My Queen,
I habv destermined frum yore latest despondence thet it iz yore desire to acquire huge numbers of shoes. Thar fore I sail for Taiwan with the tide and will bring as much as the johnboat will hold.

I yam obv corse, at yore beck and call. Say the word an' we hide our armys in a thousand green outhouses and set them before the gates obv Mizippi. Khandu will be hard pressed to refuse a gift ob a thousand shithouses and bring them inside. Mizippi and all it's treasures will be yore's O Queen of Squeeze!

Yore servent,
Tweed
Coot desCootz