Hey Mick, how about us doing a Bob Hope/Bing Crosby routine and coming on stage with a couple of drivers, doing a few jokes and songs, and driving souvenir golf balls into the crowd?
That'd make 'em sit up and pay attention!
A bunch of golfing 'Catters in the Jam Tent. We'd have to sing Big Nellie May.

BIG NELLIE MAY (learned from the Corries, author possibly Matt McGinn)

I'll tell you the story of Big Nellie May,
She took up the golf in a serious way.
With her shiny new clubs and her big plastic bag,
She could easily pass for John Daly in drag.

Chorus: Toora loo, toora lay,
Just keep your head down boys and hammer away.

Now Nellie was handicapped more than the rest,
Her swing was impaired by the size of her chest;
Her overdevelopment was her downfall,
When she swung, they both swung and they all missed the ball.

Now Nellie decided they hampered her stroke,
So she tethered them up with a big piece of rope.
But they did not like being tied up in a noose;
And with the very next stroke both those rascals broke loose.

In sheer desperation she turned to the pro,
Who looked at poor Nell and said "I don't know...
I've only seen two that look like yours do,
And they're on the camel that's out in the zoo."

This pointed remark at the poor girl's physique
Made Nellie lash out in a great fit of pique.
Her blow caught the pro in his most precious spot,
And now he's got two just as big as she's got.

Seamus