It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said, "Give me Liberty, or give me Death?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up.
"Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"?
Again, no response except from Martinez: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class,
"Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."
She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."
The teacher glares and asks, "All right! Now, who said that?"
Again, Martinez says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001."
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble!"
Martinez said, "Saddam Hussein 2003."
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My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet told the lady if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub in it's ears once a month.The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says, "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says "I'm not using it on my legs either, and if you must know I'm using it on my schnauzer." The druggist says "Stay off your bicycle for a week."
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George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk, he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and George asks him what his name is."Billy"
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have three questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts his hand; George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve."
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions: First - why is the USA invading Iraq without the support of the UN? Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth -- why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
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Once upon a time, a female brain cell mistakenly wandered into a man's head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
"Hello?" she cried, but no answer. "Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: "HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?"
Finally, she heard a voice from far, far away:
"Hello...we're down here..."