I was driving in rush hour traffic one evening when I heard the "real" version of this song on the radio. No way to stop and write it down, so I just sang as much of it as I could remember, over and over again til I got home, and then wrote it down. That's why there's only a fragment on the DT.

About a year ago, I started messin' with it and came up with another verse. NOT authentic, if you can have authenticity in a situation like this. Here is the song, as it ended up after I meddled with, revised and expanded the original approximation of the original parody by an unknown author & performer:

1. Take the rosebush from my hair
Lord, it has a lot of thorns
What's the sprinkler doin' on
At this hour of the morn?

Comin' home at five a.m.,
Lord, the sidewalk sure is hard
Guess I drank too much again,
Help me make it through the yard.

I can't see what's right or left,
I'm too drunk to even stand,
I ain't askin' your assistance,
But you're standing on my hand.

Left my keys locked in the car
Hope my wife ain't sleepin' hard
Lord, that kitchen door looks far,
Help me make it through the yard

2. Well, how did beer get in my hair?
Sorta smells like Killians Red
Let me lie here for awhile
It's so much closer than my bed.

I wish the ground would just hold still
The swayin' keeps me off my guard
If I crawl, I may not fall
Help me make it through the yard.

I don't care what's right or wrong,
But let me try to understand --
How'd we get home from the party?
Drunks don't let drunks drive friends.

Put some coffee on the stove
Then we'll try to find my car
But, until I'm on my feet,
Help me make it through the yard

I was never quite satisfied with that line about "Drunks don't let drunks drive [their] friends," but love the idea. Any suggestions?