ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)

Subject: garden hose from Sears
From:
Date: 03 Jun 98 - 02:55 PM

Looking for a song called tain't it a beauty. The song is about a length of garden hose from sears but when it is sung everyone thinks he is talking about something else. I have a old tape done by Johnny Corcoran and I belive it has been featured on Dr. Dementos

Subject: ADD: Oh! What a beauty! (Music hall)
From: AndyG
Date: 04 Jun 98 - 07:17 AM

Well, I don't know the song you mention but I do recollect Oh! What a Beauty! UK Music Hall I think, which I heard many years ago.

Oh! What a beauty!
I've never seen one as big as that before.
Oh! What a beauty!
It must be three feet long or even more.
It's such a lovely colour, and it's nice and round and fat,
I never knew a marrow could grow as big as that.
Oh! What a beauty!
I've never seen one as big as that before.

Spoken (metrically):
I was leaning on the garden gate the other day,
When I beckoned to a lady who lives across the way.
I took her down the garden path and showed it her with pride,
And when she saw the size of it the little lady cried.

Oh! What a beauty!
I've never seen one as big as that before.
Oh! What a beauty!
It must be three feet long or even more.
It's such a lovely colour, and it's nice and round and fat,
I never knew a marrow could grow as big as that.
Oh! What a beauty!
I've never seen one as big as that before.

I mean me Marrow!
I've never seen one as big as that before.

Marrow is prounounce "Marra" throughout. Heard on BBC Radio Round the Horne longer ago than I care to remember. There's probably more but I don't know it.

AndyG

Subject: Garden Hose Song
From: GUEST,Thomas
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 04:03 PM

I'm searching for the lyrics/tune/recording of a seemingly baudy song, that is till the end when we discover it's about the "greatest garden hose ever sold by Sears".

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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Sweetie Bugs
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 05:18 PM

Dont know, but hope you find the answer soon.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 20 Aug 01 - 11:47 PM

Well, somebody asked the same question here some time ago, and didn't get an answer, then. You might want to email him/her and see if anything turned up. Says there the song might be called "Ain't it a Beauty" or something like that. There's nothing in the Digital Tradition. You might try a Google search on "Ain't it a Beauty" and see what happens. Good luck, and welcome to the Mudcat! (This is the same idea as "The Naughty Lady of Shady Lane" and a host of others -- I'd like to see it!)

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: paddymac
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 01:49 AM

I've got it on a cd by Cahir Doherty. If nobody comes up with in the interim, I'll transcribe in a day or so. It's a fun song for an "innocent' audience.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 04:34 AM

In a somewhat similar vein is the old story about The Wayside Chapel.

I must say I'm impressed with Google. I saw the Wayside Chapel story once on a xeroxed sheet that was passed around my high school English class in 1968...and it took me less than a minute to find it on the web!

Aloha,
Mark

---

Wayside Chapel

An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C., "being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

Dear Madame,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,
[the schoolmaster]

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Jacob B
Date: 21 Aug 01 - 03:14 PM

It sounds similar to a song I once heard sung on The Smother's Brothers Half A Comedy Hour. In it, a young woman is coming back home with $500 in her pocket, and it seems clear that she got it by acting in a porno film - until the last line reveals that she actually made a mattress commercial for Sears.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:15 AM

What is it about Sears? And Jacob, I don't remember that show. Did it predate or postdate the Smothers Comedy Brothers Hour?

But getting back to the original question, "Ain't It A Beauty" was recorded by Cliff Ferre, and is listed on this collection, Ray Lord's 45s. I have no idea who Ray Lord is, but his record collection is awesome. You'll have to scroll all the way down to #19700 to find it; the label is Kem 128, and it's the flip side of "The Greatest Broad-Jumper". You're on your own now, Thomas!

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 12:22 AM

Just kidding...paddymac will post the words if nobody else does. I found it on a number of Dr. Demento playlists, as well as an apparent sequel, "Garden Hose #2". But Ray's site has an address for ordering the real thing...

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Jacob B
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 10:19 AM

The Half A Comedy Hour came after the other incarnations of the show.

Actually, I'm not certain of the name of the incarnation of the show I saw it on. It was on years after the other versions of the show, I saw it for two weeks in a row and never again, it had on it the stand-up comedian Gallegher, a delightful ventriloquist, John Hartford, and the singer of that Sears song.

(And this has nothing to do with music, but - does anyone else remember the Smothers Brothers Show? NOT the Comedy Hour, but the sitcom, in which Tom played the dead brother who comes back as an inept angel to try to help Dick?)

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 07:01 PM

Oh, my, yes...but only since you mentioned it! No specific memories of the show at all, which is probably a good thing.

Aloha,
Mark

Subject: Lyr Add: AIN'T IT A BEAUTY
From: paddymac
Date: 17 Nov 01 - 12:43 AM

Gee, it's been three months since I promised to get these lyrics posted. Sorry it took so long. Just got involved in living life to its fullest. This really is a fun song. Our audiences love it.

AIN'T IT A BEAUTY
(As performed by Cahir O'Doherty; author unknown)

There aren't many men as lucky as me to have one as big as mine.
I've used it all of me lifetime, and still it's doing fine.
Sometimes I think to myself, it's going on the blink.
But after careful scrutiny, it proved to be in the pink.

I always treat it carefully, never leave it hanging about.
And every time I use it, I remember to shake it out.
And sometimes when I use it, I hold it in the air.
I've instructed me wife to handle it with tender loving care.

CHORUS: O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty! I have used it proudly all me life (all me life).
Oh, ain't it a beauty! And if you don't believe me, ask me wife.

Danny O'Toole came over one day. He couldn't believe what he heard:
That mine was bigger than his was. He didn't believe a word.
I bet him a pound, I took him outside, and laid it on the street.
He couldn't believe his eyes. It was nearly a hundred feet.

Last summer while I was out of work, to idle away the hours,
I used it in the neighborhood to water the neighbors' flowers.
A wee girl said she needed it bad. Could she have it for a week?
And though abused daily, it never sprang a leak. CHORUS

I've used it in the summer. I've used it in the fall.
It's just around the springtime I use it most of all.
I've used in December on a cold and wintry day.
I wrote me name in a snow bank half a block away.

ALT. CHORUS:
O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty! All the fellas envy my technique (it's unique).
Oh, ain't it a beauty! They get jealous every time they take a peek.

I must admit it hasn't been used in three or four days or more,
But it's hanging there and it's ready as it ever was before.
If the good Lord's willing, I'll be using it for years,
'Cause it's the best length of garden hose was ever sold by Sears. CHORUS

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: Charley Noble
Date: 17 Nov 01 - 10:16 AM

Lovely! Reminds me of a new verse for "When Jones' Ale Was New":

The next came in was a firefighter,
And there was no one brighter,
Yes, there was no one brighter,
For to join in the jovial crew;
And he hauled out his nozzle with all his might,
And it was a totally awesome sight,
And the landlady's daughter squealed in delight...

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Garden Hose Song
From: paddymac
Date: 17 Nov 01 - 06:56 PM

Charlie - Did you create that verse. Hillarious! There are two versions of "Jones' Ale" in the DT, but neither has your verse.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST,Tom Good
Date: 24 Jun 14 - 09:28 PM

I learned this song while the person that wrote was writing it. Some of the lyrics I was able to put in as it was written. I still play this song and everybody still loves it. That was about 47 years ago give or take a year.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST,Tom Good
Date: 24 Jun 14 - 09:30 PM

The posted lyrics are not the original lyrics someone has changed them.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: NightWing
Date: 24 Jun 14 - 11:58 PM

Tom,

Then PLEASE give us the original lyrics!!!

Please, please PLEASE!!!!!

BB,
NightWing

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Jul 14 - 08:02 PM

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: garden hose from Sears(Ain't It a Beauty)
From: GUEST,This song is under copyright laws
Date: 14 Nov 15 - 08:41 PM

This song was written in 1964 by my father George Miller and was released by Gusto Records in 1978 by The Boyer Twins. No one has rights to record or sell the lyrics. If you have any questions please do not hesitate to respond. The title is Oh Ain't It A Beauty by the way.

Subject: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 14 Nov 15 - 09:26 PM

We get a lot of posts from unnamed people who are certain that a song was written by their father on such-and-such a date and "is under copyright laws." These undocumented allegations often conflict with the information we have developed over the years.

This song appeared on a 1956 album by Cliff Ferré titled Looks Like Fun.

Ferré also recorded the song "Ain't It a Beauty" on a 45 rpm record, Kem Records #45-128.

AIN'T IT A BEAUTY [aka The Garden Hose Song]
(Cliff Ferré)

There ain't many men that are lucky enough to have one as long as mine.
The thing is as old as I am but still it is doing fine.
Many's the time that I've been afraid 'twas going on the blink.
But then upon closer scrutiny, it proved to be in the pink.

I've always treated it carefully and don't leave it lying about.
Before I put it away I still remember to shake it out.
And if I should ever be too weak to hold it in the air.
I've instructed me wife to handle it with tender loving care.

O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty!
And I have used it proudly all me life.
Oh, ain't it a beauty!
Now if you don't believe me, ask me wife.

Danny O'Toole came calling one day to tell me that he had heard
That mine was bigger than his was, and he didn't believe a word.
I bet him a buck, then took him outside, and laid it in the street.
He couldn't believe it when he saw it was over a hundred feet.

One summer I happened to be out of work, and during me leisure hours,
I'd do a good turn by using it to water the neighbors' flowers.
I met a young lass who needed it bad and used it for a week?
Though it was abused for days on end, it never began to leak.

I use it a lot in the summer, and I use it a lot in the fall.
But I'm willing to bet in the springtime I use it the most of all.
Oh, I've used in December on a cold and wintry day.
And I've written me name in a snow bank that was over a block away.

O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty!
All the fellas envy my technique.
Oh, ain't it a beauty!
They hate me every time they take a peek.

Though I must admit that it hasn't been used for four or five months or more,
It's hanging there just as ready as it ever has been before.
And you can be sure that I will still be using it for years,
'Cause it's the finest length of garden hose they ever sold at Sears.

Transcribed from the Cliff Ferré recording:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kIHMIoweT_U

The documentation I've found is not quite clear enough to prove that Cliff Ferré wrote the song he recorded in 1956, but it's quite certain that it wasn't written in 1964 by George Miller.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Nov 15 - 09:55 PM

It was recorded By Gusto Records in 1978 and they have the song writer listed as George Miller.

Subject: ADD: Oh, What a Beauty
From: Joe Offer
Date: 14 Nov 15 - 10:40 PM

Yeah, I found that 1978 Gusto Records recording for sale at Amazon, and the label says the Boyer Twins recorded the song, titled "Oh, Ain't It a Beauty" written by G. Miller. BMI has a song by George Miller titled "Oh, Ain't It a Beauty." I have to think this is not the Sears garden hose song, but I can't find an online recording. The copyright for the recording is here (click)

I found labels online for the Cliff Ferré LP and 45 rpm records, each titled "Ain't It a Beauty."

I also found another very similar song titled Oh, What a Beauty, artist and songwriter not named, from a 1971 recording titled Ribald Classics, Vol 3.:

OH, WHAT A BEAUTY
(songwriter???)

In a town in Ireland there is a man I know,
He has the biggest peanuts anyone can show
People come from miles around and from far and wide
To see his big peanuts tied to his side

Oh! What a beauty! I've never seen one as big as that before,
Oh!! What a beauty! It must be four foot long or even more.
It's such a lovely color, so nice and round and fat,
I've never thought a peanut could grow as big as that,
Oh! What a beauty. I've never seen one as big as that before.

One day he was a-walking just across the way
He saw an old maid and beckoned her his way
He took her up the garden path and much to her delight
Then he said to her, "Behold this very sight."

Oh! What a beauty! I've never seen one as big as that before,
Oh! What a beauty! It must be four foot long or even more.
It's such a lovely color, so nice and round and fat,
I've never thought a peanut could grow as big as that,
Oh! What a beauty! I've never seen one as big as that before.

They had a competition in this little town
All the men were lined up with their pants down
Along came the judge and looked at them all
What a job, what a job to find the biggest of all

Oh! What a beauty! I've never seen one as big as that before,
Oh! What a beauty! It must be four foot long or even more.
It's such a lovely color, so nice and round and fat,
I've never thought a peanut could grow as big as that,
Oh! What a beauty. I've never seen one as big as that before.

But Harry won hands down his was on the floor
It's the best peanut and that's for sure
All the maiden's far around come to Harry's bed.
They say it's the best way to lose their girlish ways.

Oh! What a beauty. I've never seen one as big as that before,
Oh! What a beauty. It must be four foot long or even more.
It's such a lovely color, so nice and round and fat,
I've never thought a peanut could grow as big as that,
Oh! What a beauty. I've never seen one as big as that before.


from view-source:http://www.horntip.com/mp3/1970s/1971_oh_what_a_beauty__ribald_clasics_vol_3_(LP)/01_oh_what_a_beauty.htm

---

And then, of course, we overlap with The Marrow Song. It's harder to sort out than one would think.

Can anybody find the Boyer Twins recording and transcription, or can George Miller's son or daughter give us a transcription of the Miller song?

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST,Arkie
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 12:29 AM

There are a couple of versions on Youtube.

Ain't it a Beauty (Shanneyganock)

Subject: Version: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: Joe Offer
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 12:55 AM

Still looking for a recording and/or lyrics for the George Miller song.


The version Arkie linked to is by Shanneyganock. It's the Cliff Ferré Sears garden hose song, but the lyrics are closer to the ones I found at http://www.horntip.com/mp3/1950s/1956ca_looks_like_fun__cliff_ferre_(LP)/10_aint_it_a_beauty_(aka_the_garden_hose).htm.



Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)


There ain't many men that are lucky enough to have one as long as mine.
The thing is as old as I am and still it's doing fine.
Many's the time  I think to myself, it's going on the blink.
But upon closer scrutiny, it proved to be in the pink.

I always treat it carefully, never leave it hanging about.
Before I put it away I always remember to shake it out.
And if ever I should be too week to hold it in the air.
I've instructed me wife to handle it with tender loving care.

O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty!
I have used it proudly all me life.
Oh, ain't it a beauty!
Now if you don't believe me, ask me wife.

Danny O'Toole came calling one dayy. He couldn't believe what he heard:
That mine was bigger than his was. He didn't believe a word.
I bet him a buck, I took him outside, and laid it on the street.
He couldn't believe his eyes -- it was over a hundred feet.

Last summer while I was out of work, to idle away the hours,
I used it in the neighborhood to water the neighbors' flowers.
A wee girl said she needed it bad. Could she have it for a week?
And though abused daily, it never sprang a leak.

I've used it in the summer. I've used it in the fall.
It's just around the springtime I use it most of all.
I've used in December on a cold and wintry day.
I've written me name in a snow bank half a block away.

O-o-oh, ain't it a beauty!
All the fellas envy my technique.
Oh, ain't it a beauty!
They get jealous every time they take a peek.

I must admit it hasn't been used it in four or five months or more,
But it's hanging there and it's ready as it ever was before.
If the good Lord's willing, I'll be using it for years,
'Cause it's the best length of garden hose was ever sold at Sears.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 09:06 AM

The Date the song was written unsure because he is on Hospice and his memory isn't that good. When I asked him for the date. He gave me a couple but it is the same lyrics. Of the Garden Hose song. (SEARS) I am in the process of going through all his writings to see if I can find exact date. I also have contacted Gusto Records and in the process of tracking down the Twins who recorded the record. I know the lyrics because he has always sung the song to us. Looking through all these different lyrics you have posted it looks like they have been changed. I do not have a copy of the song in front of me so I can not post the exact lyrics.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 09:50 AM

I should say that it is very close to the one you posted but is not exactly word for word. I have always been told he wrote this song and I do not have any reason not to believe him. He has a number of songs he has written over the years.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: and e
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 08:33 PM

The "guest" is the daughter of George Miller. She is making the claim that it was written in 1964 but there are recorded versions in the 1950s. Also the song is a variant of "The Marrow Song" which was copyrighted in London in Dec 16, 1952.


The marrow song; [or] Oh! what a beauty; by Edrich Siebert [pseud.] [For voice and piano] 1/- © Lawrence Wright Music Co., ltd., London;

See The Catalog of Copyright Entries


If anything, the song would be copyright by the Lawrence Wright Music Co. (or its successors).

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 11:19 PM

Thank you for all the information in the threads. I will be looking into all the post. It is greatly appreciated.

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 20 Dec 16 - 12:40 PM

"Oh Ain't It A Beauty" was sung by the Boyer Twins from their vinyl album "Seminole Soul" on Gusto records published in 1978. They made a 45 of that song on side A and on side B is "Margaritaville", written by Jimmy Buffett.

Subject: Lyr Add: THE GREATEST BROAD-JUMPER (Ferré-McIntyre
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 02 May 18 - 09:14 AM

This song is on the flip-side of AIN'T IT A BEAUTY. You can hear it at the The Internet Archive

THE GREATEST BROAD-JUMPER
(Ferré-McIntyre)
As recorded by Cliff Ferré with Mark McIntyre Quartet on a 78-rpm record, date unknown, Kem Records #128.

I've never been a swimmer or a horseman of renown.
I'm not a fancy fighter; couldn't win a boxing crown;
But I am just adored by women short an' tall,
'Cause I'm the greatest broad-jumper of 'em all.

I couldn't run as fast as any other kid in school,
And when I did a high-dive, it would empty out the pool,
But ev'ry gal I know is at my beck and call,
'Cause I'm the greatest broad-jumper of 'em all.

Oh, what a jumper!
And I don't mean maybe.
Oh, what a jumper!
I've been broad-jumpin' since I was a baby.

I joined a nudist track meet and when my turn came around,
Right from a standing start I covered thirty feet of ground.
I gathered from the way the ladies turned to stare
I was the greatest—

One evening in a garden with another fellow's wife,
She said: "My husband's coming, so start running for your life."
She held him back while I went leapin' through the air.
I'm still the greatest broad-jumper anywhere.

Oh, what a jumper!
I'm a real cham-pion.
Oh, what a jumper!
All the gals can't believe what they are seein'.

I've never been selected for an all-Olympic team,
But in a broad-jump contest I am always on the beam,
And once I even won the title sittin' down,
'Cause I'm the greatest broad-jumper that's around.

I've done it for an audience till I was stiff and sore,
And when I'd had enough, the ladies always yelled for more.
I finally decided it should be my trade.
Now I'm the only broad-jumper gettin' paid.

Oh, what a jumper!
I was young in startin'.
Oh, what a jumper!
I can broad-jump much farther when I'm sober.

Today was my farewell performance over in the park.
I had a hundred women lyin' forty feet apart.
I started with the first and jumped 'em one by one,
And now my broad-jumpin' days are done!

Subject: RE: ADD: Ain't It a Beauty (Garden Hose Song)
From: GUEST,Mick Pearce (MCP)
Date: 04 May 18 - 07:34 PM

Joe - you can rest happy now; the George Miller version is on youtube now: Boyer Twins - Oh, Ain't It A Beauty.

To save you the trouble I've put the words below. If I have time tomorrow I'll see if I can do the tune.

Mick

---

OH AIN'T IT A BEAUTY
(George Miller)

  Chorus:
  Oh, ain't it a beauty,
  I will use it proudly most of my life.
  Oh, ain't it a beauty,
  And if you don't believe me, ask my wife.

I've used it a lot in the Summertime, and I've used it a lot in Fall.
I'm willin' to bet the Spring of the year's when I use it the most of all.
If I should ever get too weak to hold it in the air
I've instructed my wife to handle it with tender loving care.

Last Winter it was crazy and the snow was deep and cold.
(It) was a little more stiff than usual and I was feeling bold
The nighbours watched with envy as I rolled it out to play.
I wrote my name in the snow bank that was over a block away.

Why neighbour O'Toole come by today and he told me that he had heard
That mine was longer than his was, he didn't believe a word.
I bet him a buck and I hauled it out and laid it in the street:
He couldn't believe it when he saw it was over a hundred feet.

I've used it a lot in the Summertime, and I've used it a lot in Fall.
I'm willin' to bet the Spring of the year's when I use it the most of all.
And you can be rest assured that I'll be using it for years
Cause it's the finest link of garden hose they ever sold at Sears.


Source: Boyer Twins, 1978. youtube - Boyer Twins