BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Gluon!!
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 06:48 PM

Quark!!

Quark!!

Quark!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 06:34 PM

Watch out for Doctor Who on TV this Christmas in the UK, the Christmas trees do more than self launch!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 04:09 PM

Blimey - was the self launching Christmas tree TWO years back?
I'm still shaking in my boots whenever I smell pine needles!!!!!!!
QUACK!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 03:53 PM

Sage reenters the room and glances around. A warm glow from the fire, a warm buzz from the booze, and she can see that Rapaire has fallen asleep on the warmly-hued fine old walnut bench in the corner reading nook with his head resting on a copy of Oliver Twist. Turning back to the door, she signals to some casual laborers from the neighborhood to haul a large silver fir into the room and securely mount it in it's assembled tree stand. One of the smaller in the group scrambles into the rafters and secures some guy wires. He also tosses down a harness that is still attached to the rafters from two years ago. The harness has dried sap on it from a misadventure with the tree from 2003.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 01:57 PM

And he quietly picks up his Purple Jesus and retreats, sword in hand, roasted weenie on sword, to the corner where he proceeds to eat his weenie and sing his traditional songs of the season:

"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

and

"Oh by gosh by golly, it's time for Mary and for Holly,
Jessica, Erin, Samantha, Sharon --
All presents waiting for me."

and

"You'd better watch out, you'd better not pout,
You'd better be good I'm telling you why,
Santa Claus is dead."

All the songs he learned as a tender young lad as, clad in tattered rags, he sold burnt matchsticks to bloated oppressors of the laboring classes...and his mind drifts back to his student days, shivering in a garret whilst his stub of a candle guttered in the drafts, a moldy crust of bread and ditchwater his food and drink, but his mind hungering and thirsting for knowledge even though he couldn't afford the textbooks needed for the classes he snuck into, much less a warm coat or something other than a pallet on the floor..

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 11:53 AM

The salmon isn't coming into the room until cats STOP peeing on squirrels.

Sage scoops up the injured squirrel, erases the chaulk board on her way out to the porch, where the squirrel is quickly soaped, rinsed, and released into the rafters.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:33 AM

I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:29 AM

GtD waves across at SINSULL.
Put out a chair and sit down, the leather topped ones aren't burning as badly as the velvet covered ones.
Have yourself a pint of Rudolph's Revenge and put your feet up for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 10:16 AM

Fresh from squirrel roasting, he moseys over to a door and peeks through. There, sure enough and just as he suspected, is a sign that reads:

Mudcat Holiday Tavern
Warning: May contain nuts & seafoord. Also may contain alcohol, which may cause dizziness, pregnancy, logorrhea, off-key music, and coyote dating.

He quietly closes the door, doubtful that he will become pregnant, and so quietly consumes a flip.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 09:36 AM

Alice the cat strolls carefully over to the smoking squirrel, sniffs its tail with great interest, turns and pisses on it. "That will have to do until Micca shows up", she muses as she goes back to see if the salmon is ready.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 03 Dec 05 - 09:29 AM

GtD glanced down towards the wall at the far end of the bar. Somebody had written with chalk on the menu board -


    Starters....
                Roast Squirrel
            (WARNING - this product may contain nuts)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:14 PM

Too bad about Santa! Poor guy's going to be bald until his beard and hair grow back. He'll go around the planet in 23 days looking like Yasser Arafat with his uniformly short stubble.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:02 PM

Because someone (who shall remain nameless at the moment) had taken a mouthful of 151 proof rum and spewed it forth through the flame of the lighter.

Yes, it was the infamous drink called...an Afterburner!!

(Too bad about the squirrel.)

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 08:23 PM

WHOOSH?

What was all that about, then?
As soon as it seemed safe to move, GtD sidled towards a gap in the bar. He knew when to get out of the line of fire (And when the fire is hot and directional - getting out of it takes on greater meaning...).
He slipped behind the bar and found a half full barrel of porter which appeared to be unattended and in need of company. After sampling it, in the nature of being a good deed on behalf of later visitors, GtD peeked over the counter (oh yes - a peeking duck) to see a squirrel, with the charred remains of a bushy tail, staring wide eyed at the soggy Santa.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:56 PM

Whilst still musing on his time spent in the strange mystical Nether Universe, GtD was vaguely aware of the arrival of a strangely large and familiar multi-legged and somewhat squidgey shape. As the squid embraced the portly handcuffed gentleman, he was half dreaming of the castle at Caer-Para-Diff where he first met the "front row" before retiring to the steak house on Caroline Street. His mind drifted over the muddy bay of tigers whilst a small and defenceless merganser was viciously assaulted at the bar.
His attention was suddenly drawn back to the present when a door smashed open. Strange, he thought, there seem to be a lot more doors in this place than there ever used to be, and not two the same shape, size or colour! Has a mad carpenter been on the loose since my last visit.
As he tried to make sense of the new arrivals, several members of the party flung themselves flat on the ground. If there is one thing to be learned from a lifetime of experience, and nominal predetermination, a good one is "Know when to DUCK", and he did....rapidly!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 06:48 PM

At that moment, a bedraggled Santa was entering the tavern from the southern door.

Whoosh!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:25 PM

Dear God In Heaven Above!

It's the RALPHS!!!

Thank goodness I have my smallsword!!!

And...the rum...the lighter...it's AFTERBURNER TIME!!!!


Whoosh!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:19 PM

Har!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 05:18 PM

Rapaire, are you planning to run someone through with that pig sticker of yours? Stop running in the tavern with it--the barkeep has some more marshmellows for you. Settle down by the fire. That is Rapaire running with the sword, right? Wait, maybe it isn't. . .maybe it's. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 11:33 AM

The squirrel sat in a corner of the fireplace contemplating his nuts slowly roasting by the fire when he was awakened from his reverie by the smell of burning hair and a warm feeling in his nether regions. A piece of smouldering Santa hat had landed on him. Quickly brushing himself down and closely inspecting the damage he headed for the bar and a stiff drink. Damn, the bottle opener had gone again so grabbing the duck by the legs he upended it and used its beak to lever off the cap of a bottle of St.Bernadus Quadrupel 12%. Dropping the duck in an undignified heap (no change there), he headed off towards the gaily painted MDF door, reached out and turned the handle...........

The sound of an empty bottle spinning on a stone floor echoed through the half empty doorway!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,The Giant Squid
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 10:35 AM

Shuffling off behind the threesome, the squid is heard to mutter "direct pressure. Didn't anyone teach these two about direct pressure?" A moment later there is a giddy laugh, a small shriek, then a muffled curse as the squid seizes Santa around his middle so [not] small and tumbles him into the sea. Where he has enough purchase that he can stop the bleeding but nearly drowns Santa in the process. Hauling Santa back onto the beach, it can be seen that the squid's mighty beak has cleanly sheered off the handcuffs, ropes and chains.

"Remember, Santa, I want a REAL Rolex for each arm, not any of those cheesy Chinatown knockoffs."

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 09:48 AM

Blood always brings out a feeding frenzy of some sort...Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 09:35 AM

"Rum, please. Pusser's Admiral, if you have it. Straight up, svp. The 151 proof stuff, gracias. And a lighter. Right, thanks."

He watches as Liz and Morticia drag the bleeding Jolly Old off, screaming, to a private room. Hmmm, he thinks, probably something about the chains and handcuffs. None of his business, though.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:57 AM

Don't go through the oak one, you never know where you might get stuck!
You should have tried brandy butter, it being seasonal and such likes....
Quack!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Morticia
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:35 AM

you know Liz, that's awfully close to his...........ooooops...which door leads to the Emergency Room again?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 02 Dec 05 - 07:16 AM

Shame about that handcuff key.. .anyone got a hacksaw?

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 10:11 PM

One of the ducks drops down from the rafters and stomps out a burning spot on the Jolly Old Elf's hat and collar, then flys over to sit on the bar next to a calico cat.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 09:04 AM

Overhead, the roof echoes with the tramp of thirty-two tiny hooves and the sound of sleigh runner crunching the crust of the snow. Two footsteps echo downward, the sound of a heavy body and an "AAAAAAAAHHH!" like you make when you stretch after stopping during a long drive to loose your muscles and empty your bladder.

Then, other sounds, other voices, from on high and everyone becomes still and looks aloft, as if they could peer through the Olde Oaken Roofe Beams.

"Outa the bag and grab him, boys!" and the sounds of a scuffle, the sounds of small, elven, fists smacking into rotound flesh.

"Got the old bastard!" "Tie him up good, Jocko!" "Death to the bloated exploiter of Elvish labor!" and other cries in high-pitched voices echo through the room below. Even the squid and the cats are temporarily silent.

"Okay, boys! Shove him down the chimney! Do it headfirst and let's get back to the Pole! You Know Who's Waiting There For Us!"

And a large, white-bearded, soot-covered, Carhart-clad body thumps headfirst into the fire. Tied with ropes, cuffed with handcuffs, chained with chains, it quickly rolls out of the fire, smothering any burning spots on the way.

"Say, friends," says the old man, "Could you untie, uncuff, and unchain me? Hijacked on a pre-Yule test flight by the elves. Who would have believed that the little Commies had it in them?"

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 09:01 AM

Geoff the Duck is sitting quietly in a warm corner near to the Southern end of the bar. He is still re-setting his bearings, as the Mudcat Tavern was the last place he expected to find behind the thick oaken door he had recently discovered blocking his path. In fact, he had been in the dark so long that he had almost forgotten his original mistake of leaning too far over the outpulled drawer of a shiny new white ash dresser, down at the furniture warehouse.
It seemed like he had been there for years, what, with the weeks wandering through the winter rimed woods, past the ruins of the deserted castles, the extended sessions drinking with those strange creatures, half man and half goat with funny shaped balls, what did they call themselves? Ah yes! Rugby players...
Finally, he recalls, one day a wrong turn led him into a thicket, and as he turned round to go back to the woods, there seemed to be a distinctive noise and a strange light, the World seemed for an instant to have turned blue and clicky, and instead of the bushes, he was sudenly facing cold stone walls. He had found himself in a circular chamber with a domed ceiling. At intervals along the wall, there were doors. Each was diferent, one was varnished pine, another walnut veneer, a third was dark oak and yet another might have been fine grained plywood with a coloured stain applied expertly to make it look more expensive.
Realisation had suddenly dawned. The forest concealed somehow within the furniture must have been the Magical World known to the select few visitors as Ikea....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: GUEST,Mingulay at work
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 07:51 AM

Thank god the Tavern's open again, I was beginning to wonder what I was going to do this year. Anyone mind if I stay till Boxing Day.

Hmmm. Might be a rash decision, that duck seems to have regrown its sharp and pointy bits and it's pissed already! Is there still a squid in the jello? Do we have sufficient stocks of Owd Roger to last the night? Why do the incontinent ones always have to stand nearest the fire? Answers to these and many more questions are to be found inside the Christmas cracker next to your plate. Ah well, better make the best of a deteriorating situation - barsteward a pint of 6x please and one of those chewy looking bar snacks.

Retires to a quiet corner sips beer and ponders the meaning of life, the university and dried whelks.

A tinsel wrapped christmas spatula floats by and looks at the top of the tree in a knowing way.

December again sheesh.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 04:21 AM

Has anyone actually seen Bert since 2003? He must still be around and making payments, because the card hasn't been eaten by the machine.... but it would be nice if we bought him a drink to say thanks.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:56 AM

BTW: Someone asked about the tab. We have Bert's credit card, and it still works. Keep on ordering whatever concoctions or confections you can dream up!

Bugger! I thought I'd cancelled that card - Bert

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:41 AM

Wow! You must have come in by the northern door! I heard about that weather!

SRS hands Lonesome EJ a tray with a saucer holding a toothpick with a singed brown and black chunk of what looks like a nugget of jerky. "Try this--you might want to dip it to cut the salt of the soy sauce marinade. MMario went to all the tribble to cook it." The tray with the plate of intergalactic delicacies also holds a bowl of duck sauce.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 01 Dec 05 - 12:00 AM

In headlights, the snow flakes come at you like like swirling stars set free from winter gray galaxies, betraying any sense of speed into a perceived suspension of space and time. To shed the trance effect you cast down your tired eyes. Swirling across the snow-packed highway, ground blizzards seem to gasp up in frozen breath out of snowpacked pavement. Mighty drifts of snow are heaped up here in Northern Nebraska, drifts that lie in the lee of any object with strength to stand against the wind. Crystalline streams rush down the busted corn rows to eddy and twist into the road ahead. A figure is backlit briefly against light shed through an open door, hunching in to sanctuary, the door swings quickly shut.
Miles slide slowly by, then up ahead the tavern, strung lights of red and green and gold. The tires shift unsteadily at the turn, then bite into the frosty crust as the car stops in the parking lot. Buttons fastened, a deep breath drawn and held, and I am in the storm for the brief dash, then inside, closing the door against the blast. I turn and before I can place gloves in pockets, a warm mug of mulled wine is in my hands, and a friendly voice says Merry Christmas, Friend.
A Very Merry Christmas.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 10:49 PM

The menu? Roasted archeopteryx, perhaps? With a nice roasted sweet pepper dressing? And some lovely sauteed Amorphophallus titanum for the veggies and vegans in the crowd?

Recites:

If all be true that I do think
There are five reasons why we drink:
Good friends, good wine, or being dry.
Or lest we should be by and by,
Or any other reason why.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 10:28 PM

aLICE CHECKS OUT THE SALMON AND THEN THE STRAY tOM. sHE STRUTS HER STUFF BEFORE HIS NOSE, CURLS HER TAIL ALLURINGLY AND ASKS "dO YOU PLAY THE BANJO?"

dAMN cAPSLOCK!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: artbrooks
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 06:12 PM

Besides, they are hard to catch and they breed like mad.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 05:54 PM

Don't serve tribbles unless you plan to have rolls of dental floss easily accessible at the bar. The freds were pulling your leg, they're tough and really stringy--you might as well cook those packrats under the porch.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 03:09 PM

Leave me alone, you silly cow! Why did you follow me in here anyway? Hey, Punkoid! The lady with the Chardonney wants to see a Yule fire. Help her out, would you?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 12:59 PM

drat - I'm having trouble figuring out a menu - the freds offerred to bring in some tribbles - so I was thinking they would be a nearly self-replenishing buffet; but for some reason the freds can't get the blasted things through customs.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 12:50 PM

Bazookas, galoshes and ducks, oh my! Bazookas, Galoshes and Ducks, OH MY!!!


LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 11:33 AM

Turkish delight, anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: jacqui.c
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:11 AM

I knew I'd find SINS in here - just go where the booze is !

Any chance of a large Chardonnay please? I've spent most of the week being Nurse Ratched to Kendall since his cataract operation and I need to relax in a nice comfy chair by a good fire.......

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:09 AM

*goes to close the wardrobe door from which Geoff recently emerged*

Hmmmmmmm...I've never noticed this before - look, there's a little plaque on this - reading:


C. S. Lewis Memorable Wardrobe

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:03 AM

be afraid. be very afraid.

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 09:02 AM

Well, if I can't roast weenies, whatever shall I do? Waitwaitwait...it'll come to you...waitwaitwaitdrinkdrinkdrinkwaitwaitwaitdrinkdrinkdrink...

AHA! I have it!

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: My guru always said
Date: 30 Nov 05 - 08:53 AM

Flexing claws, the Stray Tabby Cat climbs gratefully down the tree, winds her way over to SRS, nose in the air and greets the Tortoiseshell Cat who got there before her. 'Salmon? Did someone mention salmon?'

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 11:44 PM

Coats with torn linings and loose buttons gradually appear in front of Geoff as he trips over a low pile of galoshes. The cupboard between the Tavern and the Recovery Ward looms in front of him, and he sees light coming from under the door to the left. . .

"Galoshes and bazookas. What will they think of next?" he mutters to himself as he rises from his knees and staggers into the room, musical instrument in one hand, whiskey glass in the other. . .

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Geoff the Duck
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 06:32 PM

[BACKTRACKS]

It's dark here......
Can't recall which tunnel I came down to reach this point, they all look the same from here.....
"Oh" something smells good! A hint of spice, perhaps nutmeg and cinnamon, maybe cloves....... I'll try to follow my beak, then.

Ah, I can hear something, soounds like people talking...... can't quite make it out...... something about quack rats?
Getting closer now.
Was that someone asking for a fondle?

It's getting warmer though....

Sounds of singing in the distance...


What's this long cold hard thing underfoot. Feels like a bozooka... didn't think you could still get them. Wonder if it still works? Whoosh.......
Well! I didn't expect balloons and flowers.......

Can't be far to go now....
I'm sure I can feel carpet underfoot....

Subject: RE: BS: Mudcat Tavern Holiday erudition (2005)
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 29 Nov 05 - 05:36 PM

Who ordered the 'Wenceslaus Pizza'?


Deep pan, crisp and even....


with chocolate.


LTS