BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Jul 08 - 03:08 AM

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep. The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains, "I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5." Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50! " Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?" The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50, turns away, and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to the question?" Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 08 - 10:56 AM

"Fireworks"

One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state. (because they are illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin called, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic—they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it was discovered that he was a police officer. The father turned as innocently as he could to Johnny, and whispered to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappeared, and the father changed the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father told then the gas grill was all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They headed out the back just as Johnny came back in through the front door. The father hurried to him and said "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 08 - 10:50 AM

"Instant Reaction"

A father took his 5-year-old son to several
baseball games where The Star-Spangled
Banner was sung before the start of each
game.

Then the father and son attended a church
on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.

The congregation sang The Star-Spangled
Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little
boy suddenly yelled out,

"PLAY BALL!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Jun 08 - 12:19 AM

As part of the present UK celebrations of serving and retired armed forces personnel, Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall is visiting a hospital ward full of soldiers injured in Iraq and Afghanistan.

She goes to the first, who has arms and legs swathed in plaster. "What happened to you?" she asks. "Land mine, Ma'am" he replies. "And what happened to you?" she says to the next man, also covered in bandages. "Anti-tank rocket launcher, Ma'am" he says.

The next man appears to be uninjured, but is staring rigidly ahead. "What happened to you?" asks the Duchess. There is no reply. Thinking the soldier might be hard of hearing, the Duchess repeats the question in a louder voice. The soldier in the next bed says, "Beg pardon Ma'am, but he doesn't speak. He's not been quite right since he got a bullet in his a**e."

"Tut, tut, such language", says Camilla. "Rectum, my good man, rectum!"

The soldier replies "Rectum and no mistake, Ma'am. F***ing near killed 'im!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Midchuck
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 09:07 PM

McCain fathered a child when he was 8?

Wow! Maybe I'll vote for him after all.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 10:59 AM

John McCain's daughter is in the news. John McCain's daughter says that a lot of guys don't want to date her because her dad makes her too high-profile. Yeah. That's part of the reason. It's also because McCain's daughter is 63 years old.


:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Schantieman
Date: 27 Jun 08 - 08:37 AM

Waitstaff?

Waitstaff?

Good grief!

S

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Jun 08 - 11:02 PM

The pocketbook I bought recently had a small laminated card inside which had the various percentages calculated for tipping waitstaff. My daughters did not learn to do figures in their heads. Not sure why but I do know it drives them nuts when I do. Still, they don't make stupid mistakes like some of those in the jokes above.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Helen
Date: 26 Jun 08 - 06:32 PM

I was in the music shop a couple of weeks ago, listening to another customer explaining to the 2 young men behind the counter that she wanted ensemble arrangements for Happy Birthday. First she asked what key the clarinet sheet music should be written in if the other instruments are playing the key of C Major. (A fair question, since clarinets, I think, are B-flat instruments.) Then she asked what key the cello plays in. The young men scratched their heads and couldn't answer.

I wanted to reply with the punch line of the following joke:

Q: What do you feed a 200lb budgerigar? A: Anything it #$%@! wants.


MarkS,

Your story reminds me of when I worked in a public library and a man came in to find a book on a specific subject. He possibly had never been in a library before.

After asking what he was looking for I walked down the length of the library to find the section where those books were shelved. As I was walking I was mentally reminding myself of the specific Dewey Decimal Number that the book would be shelved under, and looking at the shelves to find the right section. I went straight for the shelf I needed, reached up, pulled a relevant book from the shelf and as I handed it to him he looked at me in total awe and said, "How did you do that?" I said, "Magic!" (But then I explained about the numbering system and the categories.)

To him it must have looked like I just reached at random for any book and happened to pick the right one first time.

(A note about calculating numbers: when I was teaching at a TAFE (in Oz - post-school college where people go to upgrade their school qualifications or to learn vocational and/or technical skills) I was pleased to see that in the numeracy classes the teacher made a point of teaching "guestimating" i.e. doing a quick mental calculation to get a rough idea of the likely answer, to double check the calculators or cash registers.

Helen

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: MarkS
Date: 25 Jun 08 - 10:32 PM

Really happened!
I go into a shop to buy a watch battery. Pretty young woman clerk tells me it is $ 7.99. I so OK and clerk turns her back and starts installing the battery.
While this is going on I fish around in my pockets and come up with
$ 8.47. ( 6% sales tax at the time).
Clerk hands me the watch and I hand her the cash. Following conversation ensues:
Clerk "What is this for?"
Me "To pay you for the battery."
Clerk gets puzzled look on her face, goes to the register, rings up the sale ---- $ 8.47. Counts cash, puts it in the till, takes receipt and hands it to me, and says:
"Wow. You must be some kind of genius."

Friends and neighbors, in my long and dismal life I have been called many things by young women. But I gotta tellya. That is the first and so far only time I have heard the word "genius!"

Mark

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jun 08 - 08:38 AM

Turn Off Your Cell Phone!

We went to the movie the other night. I sat in
an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels
a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start a blonde baby
boomer from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out. "Excuse me, sorry,
oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops,
excuse me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient so I
said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The TURN
OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE message
just flashed up on the screen, and mine is
out in the car."

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 07:38 AM

RFC 2550 - Y10K and Beyond

RFCs are memos that provide information for the Internet community. They do not specify an Internet standard of any kind.

Abstract

As we approach the end of the millennium, much attention has been paid to the so-called "Y2K" problem. Nearly everyone now regrets the short-sightedness of the programmers of yore who wrote programs designed to fail in the year 2000. Unfortunately, the current fixes for Y2K lead inevitably to a crisis in the year 10,000 when the programs are again designed to fail.

This specification provides a solution to the "Y10K" problem which has also been called the "YAK" problem (hex) and the "YXK" problem (Roman numerals).

http://tools.ietf.org/html/rfc2550

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 03:41 AM

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland, near Grants Pass, OR . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.

In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, 'What took you so long?

He smiled and then told her, 'Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me down.'

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Jun 08 - 01:48 AM

Moses, what difference would it have made, a knife or a peeler ?

eric

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 03:52 PM

"Playing One's Age"

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables
in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated,
she exclaims, "What rotten luck I've had today!
What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know...
why don't you play your age?"

He walks away.

Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great
commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won!
He rushes back to the table and pushes his way
through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table
operator kneeling over her. The man is stunned.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all
her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she
just fainted!"

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: DMcG
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 02:43 PM

I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy

I know a case where the opposite happened. The person concerned had a Saturday job and worked out everything in her head for weeks before she discovered the till did it automatically.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: RangerSteve
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 08:58 AM

The above piece about the Radnor, PA police dept. didn't happen. The police chief in Radnor has been disclaiming that story for years. I wish it did happen, though, since it's a great story.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Moses
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 07:52 AM

Sorry Eric, I recon the question is valid. It could have been with a potato peeler, a knife or a potato peeling machine.

Christine

(Blonde)

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 03:14 AM

This is true by the way, on a celebrity cooking show the chef asked the celebrity air head blond guest to peel a potato, what with ? was her answer, you feel like screaming at the TV, WITH A FELLING AXE YOU FUCKING MORON.

eric

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 01:05 AM

LOL

And Canada's too I fear.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:06 AM

Well, looks like the US dominamce of the world may be ending with a whimper...

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:04 AM

Screw 'em up and say no!

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Escapee
Date: 23 Jun 08 - 12:03 AM

This has happened to me three times. I went to Mc Donald's and ordered a cheeseburger and the attendant asked " Would you like cheese on that? " Really. Three times.

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Peace
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 09:49 PM

I'm amazed that so many kids don't know how to make change when they don't have a calculator handy. The item was $3.29. GST was at 5%. The poor kid was lost. I said, "The cost of the item is $3.29. Five percent of that is $.16. That's $3.45."

The kid was happy. S/he gave me a plaintive look that implored an answer. I said, "You have to give me $1.55."

Where have all the flowers gone?

Subject: RE: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:36 PM

You might have seen this before, but it's still funny!

How do they survive?
I'M PRETTY SURE I KNOW THESE PEOPLE....



ONE


Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. " You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.



TWO


I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider," looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE


A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR


I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they(pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



FIVE


Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX


I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "Cruise Control" and then went in the back to make a tuna sandwich.



SEVEN


My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



EIGHT


Police in Radnor, Pa. , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants, the dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer.....Dispatcher: Rush him in to Emergency!


"Life is Tough. It's Tougher if you're Stupid."

Subject: BS: 4th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 22 Jun 08 - 08:33 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Continued from 3rd Joke thread of 2008!