Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy

Subject: Origins: Christopher Columbo / Christofo Colombo
From: and e
Date: 19 May 24 - 09:03 PM

I did a search for a thread of this song using Google and the Mudcat
thread search for all time and see no discussion of this song.

This is a bawdy song. If you are easily offended, please don't post
this this thread and it will disappear faster. I'll be posting bawdy
texts, references and clean versions.

CRISTOFO COLUMBO

In fourteen ninety-two,
Down in the Spanish Alley
A dego took his cock in hand
And shouted hot tamale.

Chorus:
He said the world was round-o;
His balls hung down to the ground-o;
That masturbatin', fornicatin'
Son-of-a-bitch Colombo.

A girl ran from an alley
And who was it that pursued her.
The vitamin egg ran down her leg,
Columbo sure had screwed her.

Chorus

At that time that in Spain
There reined a queen called Isabella
She knew by a glance at the bulge in his pants
That Chris was a fine young fello

Chorus

Columbo had a one eyed mate,
He loved him like a brother,
Every night 'til very late,
They'd masturbate each another.

Chorus

For forty days and forty nights
They sailed in search of booty.
Upon the shore they spied a whore
By God, she was a beauty.

Chorus

They went over the rail by head and tail ,
A-shedding coats and collars;
In fifteen minutes by the clock,
She made nine thousand dollars.

Text above is transcribed from The Unexpurgated Folk Songs of Men
LP. Recorded in 1959 and issued in 1960.

More texts to follow.... when time allows.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Robert B. Waltz
Date: 20 May 24 - 04:15 AM

and e wrote: This is a bawdy song.

Oddly enough, by origin, it may not be, although it certainly is best known as one. Here is the Ballad Index entry, with what we know about the origin:

Christopher Columbo
DESCRIPTION: Columbo, that navigating, masturbating son-of-a-bitch, sails the world round-o, master and crew engaging in a variety of sexual practices on land and sea.
AUTHOR: A (clean) version was copyrighted by Francis J. Bryant (see NOTES)
EARLIEST DATE: 1893 and the Columbian Exposition in Chicago
KEYWORDS: bawdy sex humorous whore exploration | Christopher Columbus
HISTORICAL REFERENCES:
1451-1506 - Life of Cristoforo Colombo (who went by the Spanish name Cristóbal Colón), known in English as "Christopher Columbus"
1492 - first of Columbus's four voyages to the New World, which he never figured out was not the coast of Asia, because (although everyone knew the world was spherical) he used a blatantly wrong figure for its diameter and never thought to do an experiment to check the correct figure, which was known to everyone but him, He was indeed brave. He was also an extreme racist, so quarrelsome that his subordinates usually hated him, a credit-stealer, a money-grubber, and a bigot.
FOUND IN: Australia Canada US(MW,Ro,So,SW)
REFERENCES (10 citations):
Harlow-ChantyingAboardAmericanShips, pp. 55-58, "Christopher Columbus" (1 text, 1 tune)
Cray-EroticMuse, pp. 308-315, "Christopher Columbo" (3 texts, 1 tune)
Randolph/Legman-RollMeInYourArms I, pp. 502-505, "Christopher Columbo" (2 texts, 1 tune)
Hopkins-SongsFromTheFrontAndRear, pp 152-153, "Christoper Columbo" (1 text, 1 tune)
Shay-AmericanSeaSongsAndChanteys, pp. 207-212, "Christofo Columbo" (1 text, 1 tune)
Shay-BarroomBallads/PiousFriendsDrunkenCompanions, pp. 18-22, "Christoforo Colombo" (1 text, 1 tune)
Kinsey-SongsOfTheSea, pp. 173-174, "Christopher Columbus" (1 text, 1 tune)
Niles/Moore-SongsMyMotherNeverTaughtMe, pp. 106-107, "Columbo" (1 text)
Morgan/Green-RugbySongs, pp. 186-187, "Christopher Columbo" (1 text)
DT, COLOMBO COLUMB2*
Roud #4843
RECORDINGS:
Anonymous singer, "Christopho Columbo" (on Unexp1)
Arkansas Charlie [pseud. for Charlie Craver], "Oh Christofo Columbo" (Brunswick 410, 1930)
Billy Jones, "Christofo Columbo" (CYL: Edison [BA] 5008, prob. 1925)
Billy Jones & Ernest Hare, "Christofo Columbo" (OKeh 40397, 1925)
Andy Kirk & his Mighty Clouds of Joy, "Christopher Columbus" (Decca 729, 1936)
Old Ced Odom & Lil "Diamonds" Hardaway, "Fourteen Hundred and Ninety-Two (Christopho Columbo)" (Decca, uniss.; rec. 1936)
CROSS-REFERENCES:
cf. "The Good Ship Venus" (lyrics)
cf. "The Sailor in Nagasaki" (tune, according to Niles/Moore-SongsMyMotherNeverTaughtMe)
cf. "Christopher Columbus Sailed the Ocean Blue" (character of Christopher Columbus)
cf. "Christopher Columbus Was a Very Brave Man" (character of Christopher Columbus)
NOTES [171 words]: This song frequently borrows verses -- identifiable by their internal rhyme in the third line or "limerick form" -- from "The Good Ship Venus."
This would not pass muster as a history of Christopher Columbus' voyage of 1492. - EC
A distinct understatement.
Incidentally, it is not clear whether this was originally clean or dirty. The 1893 date cited above is for a clean version, of which John Garst writes, "We all know 'Christofo Columbo' as a bawdy ballad, but in the Robert W. Gordon papers at the University of Oregon there is a 'clean' version, 'Written and Composed by Francis J. Bryant,' 'Copyright, 1893, by M. Witmark and Sons. Entered at Stationers' Hall, London....
If you wonder how the chorus could be 'clean,' here it is:
He knew the earth was round, ho! that land it could be found, ho!
The geographic, hard and hoary navigator, gyratory Christofo Columbo."
Shay's clean version has the chorus
Oh, Christofo Columbo,
He thought the world was round-o;
That pioneering, buccaneering,
Son-of-a-gun, Columbo! - RBW
Last updated in version 6.5

File: EM308

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Lighter
Date: 20 May 24 - 08:08 AM

Frederick E. Harlow's "Chanteying Aboard American Ships" prints an expurgated bawdy version that he seems to have heard in 1876.

Intriguingly, one of Herbert Canfield's informants (1926) believed (on no known evidence) that the song was known "before the Civil War."

It's certainly possible that Bryant had heard the bawdy song in some version and cleaned it up to cash in on the World's Columbian Exposition of 1893 in Chicago.

A clear case of cashing in was "Christofo Columbo Thought the World was Round-o," music & lyrics by “Speed” Langworthy, performed by vaudevillians Gus Van and Joe Schenck (Chicago: Will Rossiter, 1924).

The sheet music calls it "A Popular Version of an Old Sea Chantey." Including encores, Langworthy manages no less than 52 stanzas, only two or three of which are recognizably based on those in the bawdy song.

Langworthy's chorus calls Columbus "That persevering, buccaneering,/ Sailor man Columbo."

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 20 May 24 - 09:54 AM

Here's the two DT references above, cited in Waltz's Ballad Index entry:

CHRISTOFO COLUMBO

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBO

Here's my transcription of an uncredited version on YouTube, [Christopher Columbo (bawdy song)] - Plain White Label - Party Record

(spoken) Talking about Italy, their grand, old songs... did you ever hear about the grand old man of Italy, old Columbus? Boy, what a man, with his cock hanging down to his knees out in the ocean breeze, he sailed that broad Atlantic. Boy, what a man was he. Well here's about the ocean voyage that old Columbus undertook. When men were men, women were women, on the high, high, seas

Now in Fourteen hundred and ninety two
A wop came from Italio
Walked down the streets of Spain, but hey
Yelling "hot tamale-os!"

CHORUS
Columbo, Columbo
He thought the world was round-o
Ah, there's high-fanatical, geographical
Sonofabitch, Columbo

He ups into the Queen of Spain
And he asks for ships and cargo
And he swore he'd be a sonofabitch
If he didn't bring back Chicago

"Well, Columbus," she says, the Queen
"Uh -- you've asked for things a-plenty
Now, you've asked for cargo ships and men
But son, what about the women?"

CHORUS

Now for weeks and months and months and weeks
They sailed the broad Atlantic
And for a piece of poon-tang
Heh, that whole damn crew went frantic

The skipper came on deck one day
His cock was like a mast fold
He grabbed the first mate round the neck
And shoved it up his asshole

CHORUS

Why, the skipper's wife come on deck one day
A-selling shirts and collars
Ah, but with her cunt-- yeah, in five minutes
She made five thousand dollars

Now there was a monkey on this deck
This monkey's name was Jumbo
He cornholed everything on deck
And even, too, Columbo

And then they saw some Indian gals
As they started in swimming
Columbus yelled "We won't have to jack off
Cause here comes the women!"

CHORUS (x2)

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Lighter
Date: 20 May 24 - 01:02 PM

Thanks for the transcription, Carter. Here's what I hear:

"Spain by day,"

"tamale-o!"

"Ups unto"   

"like a mastpole."

(The singer's intro and its delivery sound like an imitation of Burl Ives's on his late forties radio show.)

Significantly, a "monk" named Jumbo also appears in Harlow's version as well as in one found by Randolph in Missouri in 1929 from a man who said he'd learned it in 1898. Jumbo is absent from the ten stanzas in Immmortalia - and from all others printed AFAIK. In both Harlow and Randolph, "Jumbo" is a victim - though in Randolph he's described as both a "monk" and a "sailorman."

"Jumbo the Elephant" was a famous Barnum exhibit. According to Oxford:

"Jumbo... A big clumsy person, animal, or thing; popularized, esp., as the individual name of an elephant, famous for its size, in the London Zoological Gardens, subsequently sold in February 1882 to Barnum."

Once established in English, "Jumbo" would seem to be an inevitable rhyme for "Columbo." Wikipedia dates the elephant's appearance at the London Zoo to 1860. ("Dumbo," of course, was yet unknown.)

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 21 May 24 - 08:46 AM

Thanks for the corrections, Jonathan. All sound correct to my ear -- except I do think he says "tamale-os" plural, but that's small potatoes.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Lighter
Date: 21 May 24 - 10:23 AM

Ewan MacColl recorded a wholly expurgated version on "Bless 'em All and Other British Army Songs" (Riverside, 1957).

MacColl's tune is closer to "In and Out the Window" than, say, Oscar Brand's tune.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 22 May 24 - 07:27 PM

Thanks cnd for posting the transcription of

Christopher Columbo (Version #1)

Anyone that has done transcription knows one can can get word-blind
when listening to something over and over. It's not easy work.

BTW, I'm the one that posted the record to youtube. Collecting
party records (and posting them to youtube) is tangential
to my primary research. I have posted another blank label
"Christopher Columbo" online here:

Christopher Columbo (Version #2) - 78 Party Record

It is a better performance and longer than the first one.
cnd if you (or anyone else) would have a go at transcribing,
it would would be appreciated...

Here is a limerick party record. It's not the usual limericks
and a good performance:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38kv6tFgrvg

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 22 May 24 - 11:03 PM

3907

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBO

In fourteen hundred ninety-two
A dago from Italia
Roamed and roamed the streets of Rome
Selling his hot tamales.

Christopher Columbo,
He knew the world was round-o
That urinating, masturbating, son of a bitch Columbo.

He said to the king, to the king said he,
Just give me ships and cargo
In fourteen days you son of a bitch
I'll bring you back Chicago.

The Queen she hocked her family jewels
To get Columbus started
And on the decks she wept with tears
But Columbus only farted.

Columbus piped, "All hands on deck."
And tied them to the mast pole
Then he took down all their pants
And fucked them in the ass hole.

The cabin maid ran down the deck
The villain he pursued her
The white of an egg ran down her leg
Columbo he had screwed her.

In fourteen days they sighted land
It was the isle of Cuba
A big fat whore ran down to shore
With legs just like a tuba.

Columbus he jumped overboard
The crew they stripped and followed
In forty-five minutes by the clock
She'd made ten thousand dollars.

Columbus he came back on deck
His tool was sore and fiery
He wiped it off on the tablecloth
And logged it in his diary.

In Spain the doctors they were few
The syph doctors not many
The only one Columbus knew
Was a God damn Jew named Benny.

Columbus went up and that Jew
His face was calm and placid
The God damn fool filled up his tool,
With muriatic acid.

Van Hook

Gordon "Inferno" Collection, #3907. No date (1920s). Notes say part of manuscript is missing.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 22 May 24 - 11:07 PM

3908

In fourteen hundred ninety two
There lived Queen Isabella ('Twas then)
She had to do with a god damned fool
Said here's your dago feller.

She wanted him to leave the land
And for a damned good reason
For he had screwed her husband's wife
And that you know was treason.

Columbus stood upon the deck
And gazed out o'er the ocean
The god damned crew ran down below
Because they lacked emotion.

Columbus stood upon the deck
And gazed out through his glass hole
The second mate crept up behind
And goosed him in the arsehole.

Columbus stood upon the deck
And there he took his station
The god damned crew went down below
And practised masturbation,

Columbus stood upon the deck
And gazed out o'er the ocean
When on the shore he saw a whore (And)
Which filled him with emotion.

The god damned crew jumped in the boat
Their cocks were red and - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The sailors jumped into the boat
And doffed their coats and collars (Undid)
In fifteen minutes by the clock (Fifty)
She made six hundred dollars.

Columbus too would have his piece
His cook was red and fiery
He rammed it down into the ship
And wrote it in his diary.

Of doctors in those good old days
There were not very many
Except one god damned little Jew
Who went by the name of Benny,

Columbo went to Benny
His cock was red and flaccid
The god damned fool filled up his tool
With hot sulphuric acid.

His balls they went around oh
Until they touched the ground oh,
That geographical son of a bitch
That Christopho Columbo.

Gordon "Inferno" Collection, #3908. No date, no location, no contributor.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 22 May 24 - 11:10 PM

3909

April 2, 1918

In fourteen hundred ninety two
A dago from I-tal-y
Was walking down the streets of Rome,
A-selling hot tamales.

Christopher Colombo,
He knew the world was round O!
That masturbating, fornicating,
Song of a bitch Colombo!

He went up to the Queen of Spain,
And asked for ships and cargo,
And "I'll be a son of a son of a bitch,
If I don't bring back Chicargo!"

The Queen of Spain, she hocked her clock,
To get Colombo started,
She wept and cried all over the dock,
Colombo merely farted.

Colombo piped all hands on deck,
And tied them to the mast O!
And then he took their panties down
And screwed them in the ass, O!

The cabin girl ran down the deck,
The villain still pursued her,
The white of an egg ran down her leg,
Colombo he had screwed her!

Colombo had a one-eyed mate,
He loved him like a brother,
And every night at seven bells,
They hopped upon each other!

And when at last they spied the shore,
It was the coast of Cuby,
Upon the shore there stood a whore,
By God, she was a beauty!

Colombo, he jumped overboard
The crew shed coats and collars,
In fifteen minutes by the clock,
She made nine hundred dollars.

Back to the ship Colombo went.
His prick was red and fiery,
He wiped it on the table-cloth,
And logged it in his diary!

Of all the doctors in Cadis,
There weren't so very many,
The only one Colombo knew,
Was a goddamn Jew named Benny.

So to this doc Colombo went,
His face was calm and placid,
But the goddamn fool filled up his tool
With muriatic acid!

Gordon "Inferno" Collection, #3909; Arch., Monastery, 4/2/18.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 23 May 24 - 09:46 AM

I should have figured you were associated with the party records page, John. It's too 'you' not to have been! Anyhow, here's my transcription of the Christopher Columbo #2 recording which you linked above. It's very, very close to the lyrics of the other recording.

(spoken) Strike up the band.
(spoken) Up your ass, Butch
(spoken) Fuck you, you sonofabitch.
(spoken) What the hell is this?

In Fourteen Hundred and Ninety Two
A dago from Italio
Walked down the streets of Spain by day
Yelling hot tamalio

CHORUS
Columbo, Columbo
He thought the world was round-o
That high fanatical, geographical
Son-of-a-bitch Columbo

He went unto the queen of Spain
He asked for ships and cargo
Swore he'd be a sonofabitch
If he didn't bring back Chicago

Queen Anne, she says, "Columbus dear
"Please, now, don't get frantic
But what will you do for poon-tang
When you sail the broad Atlantic?"

CHORUS

For weeks and months and months and weeks
They sailed the broad Atlantic
And for a piece of poon-tang
That whole damn crew was frantic.

The skipper came on deck one day
His prick was like a mastpole
He grabbed a sailor round the neck
And he shoved it up his asshole

CHORUS

The skipper's wife come on deck one day
Selling shirts and collars
But with her cunt in just five minutes
He made five thousand dollars

There was a monkey on this deck
This monkey's name was Jumbo
He grabbed Columbus by the neck
And threw it up his asshole

CHORUS (x2)

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 09 Jun 24 - 01:45 PM

Found a third Chistopher Columobo:


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xYttoOo7I50


Plain white record with no text. The singer is probably Gladys Bentley and recorded ca 1936.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 10 Jun 24 - 01:34 AM

The posthumous T.S. Eliot anthology "Inventions of the March Hare" includes several variant "Columbo" verses that echo the better-known versions. It also includes a few verses of "The Jolly Tinker," ditto. The compilers of the anthology seem to have assumed these verses were wholly original to Eliot.

--

[Columbo and Bolo verses]

Let a tucket be sounded on the hautboys. Enter the king and queen.

Columbo he lived over in Spain Where doctors are not many The only doctor in his town Was a bastard jew named Benny To Benny then Columbo went With countenance so placid And Benny filled Columbo’s prick With Muriatic Acid.

One day the king & queen of Spain They gave a royal banquet Columbo having passed away Was brought in on a blanket The queen she took an oyster fork And pricked Columbo’s navel Columbo hoisted up his ass And shat upon the table.

Columbo and his merry men They set sail from Genoa Queen Isabella was aboard That famous Spanish whore.

Columbo and his mariners They were a merry chorus One Sunday evening after tea They went to storm a whore house. As they were scrambling up the steps Twas then Columbo his got
Molto vivace [musical direction]
A great big whore from the seventh story window She floored him with a pisspot.

Variant [at the foot of the page] A great big whore with blood shot eyes She bitched him with a pisspot.

The cabin boy they had aboard His name was Orlandino A child of upright character But his language was obscene-o. “Fuck Spiders” was his chief remark In accents mild and dulcet. They asked him what there was for lunch And he simply answered “Bullshit.” [Variant above, then end of leaf]

King Bolo’s swarthy bodyguard Were called the Jersey Lilies A wild and hardy set of blacks Undaunted by syphilis. They wore the national uniform Of a garland of verbenas And a pair of great big hairy balls And a big black knotty penis.

King Bolo’s swarthy bodyguard They numbered three and thirty An innocent and playful lot But most disgusting dirty. King Bolo lay down in the shade His royal breast uncovering They mounted in a banyan tree And shat upon their sovereign. [end of leaf]

One day Columbo and his men They took and went ashore Columbo sniffed around the air And muttered “I smell whore” And ere they’d taken twenty steps Among the Cuban jungles They found King Bolo & his queen A-sitting on their bungholes. [end of leaf]

She put the question [?] to the lad [?] The first mate, cook, and bo’sun, But when she saw Columbos balls She jumped into the ocean —

One Sunday morning out at sea The vessel passed Gibraltar Columbo sat upon the poop A-reading in the psalter. The bosuns wife came up on deck With a bucket full of cowshit Columbo grabbed her round the neck And raped her on the bowsprit.

Now when they were three weeks at sea Columbo he grew rooty He took his cock in both his hands And swore it was a beauty. The cabin boy appeared on deck And scampered up the mast-o Columbo grasped him by the balls And buggered him in the ass-o.

One day Columbo and the queen They fell into a quarrel Columbo showed his disrespect By farting in a barrel. The queen she called him horse’s ass And “dirty Spanish loafer” They terminated the affair By fucking on the sofa.

Before another day had passed Columbo he fell sick-o He filled the pump with argyrol And rammed it up his prick-o. And when they touched Cadiz he cried (And let down both his anchors): “We’ll see if there’s a doctor here Can cure the whistling chancres.”

[verso of this leaf]

Columbo and his merry men They went to storm a castle A bullet came along the road And up Columbo’s asshole. Columbo grew so angry then He nearly shit his breeches. “Come on, my merry men,” he cried “We’ll kill the sons of bitches.”

“Avast my men” Columbo cried In accents mild and dulcet “The cargo that we have aboard Is forty tons of bullshit.” The merry men set up a cheer On hearing this reparty. And the band struck up “The Whore House Ball” In accents deep and farty.

On Sunday morning after prayers They took their recreation The crew assembled on the deck And practiced masturbation. Columbo being full of rum He fell down in a stupor They turned his asshole S.S.W. And he cried “I’ll die a pooper!”

Now when Columbo and his ships Regained the Spanish shores The Spanish ladies swarmed aboard By twos & threes & fours. Columbo hoisted up his [?] And then his shirt and drawers He spun his balls around his head And cried “Hooray for whores!”

Flourish. Skirmishes and alarums. Cries without. Exeunt the king and queen severally.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 11 Jun 24 - 09:42 AM

Thanks for linking the above, Guest. It appears to come from "Inventions of the March hare : poems, 1909-1917 by T. S. Elliot (Appendix A)

John, here's my transcription of #3, the "Gladys Bentley" recording. The tune is very differently sung (in a swung manner) and has a strange choppy section at the end different from any of the above versions. A few questionable spots: about 0:45, "But the sailors knew if they didn't screw" and about 2:28, "He found the man, man, man was cool and lumpus" but otherwise fairly confident in this one.

Fourteen hundred and ninety-two
A dago from I-taly
Was walking down the avenue
Selling hot tamales

CHORUS
He knew the world was round-o
Sailors shouldn't frown, though
Navigating, masturbating
Sonofabitch Columbo

He went to the Queen of Spain
Says "I'll get a ship and cargo
I said I'll be a sonofabitch
If I don't bring back Chicago"

The Queen, she put her jewels in hock
Said "I'll get Columbus started
But she broke out in tears when she stood on the dock
Columbus merely --

CHORUS

Forty days and forty nights
They sailed the broad Atlantic
But the sailors knew if they didn't screw
That they surely would go frantic

On the ship, Columbus had a mutt
And he tied him to the mastpole
For every night at ten o'clock
Columbus shoved it up his [scat sounds]

CHORUS

The sailors dived into the surf
Started shirts and collars
But in an hour by the clock
That whore made nine hundred dollars

Columbus, he dived in there, too
Thought he could pursue her
But the white of an egg went down her leg
Some sonofabitch did suit her

CHORUS

Oh, that governing Columbus
He went months at sea without a hump-us
He got a pain in his cucumbus
Up spoke Mr. Christopher Columbus

All it does is stand
Until I reach land
I must get a hand
From someone in the band
Fifty cooks, one gland
He quickly saw his chance
When a blush-shing man
Droped his pants for romance
Christy said "now bend down, mister"
For this here pain -- remember, it was strange
And it was not in vain
When the man bent down
Christy went to town
How the crew did cheer
As he worked from the rear

Oh that governing Columbus
He went months at sea without a humpus
He found the man, man, man was cool and lumpus
Hooray hooray, for oh, that governing Columbus

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Lighter
Date: 11 Jun 24 - 03:35 PM

Bryant's 1893 composition. I see only one line that resembles one in the bawdy song - and the tune is entirely different.



https://tile.loc.gov/storage-services/service/music/edison1/100004367/100004367.pdf

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 12:12 PM

Christopher Columbo

        In a letter to Hubert Canfield dated June 1, 1926, the American folk song collector Robert W. Gordon notes, "Your remarks on 'Christopher Columbo' surprise me. I had no idea that any version of the famous and notorious song that swept the country about 1898-1906 went back so far. The original words as I know them (entirely decent till the parody appeared) were copyright in 1894. The chorus went in part:

        "He sailed the world around-O.
        He knew land could be found-O.
        This navigator, hard and hoary,
    *    *    * gyratory
        Christopho Columbo!"

        Gordon then asks, "What was the form that appeared during the Civil War?" -- a question that suggests Canfield had located a very early version of a song later copyright and popularized.
        Unfortunately, Canfield's correspondence does not survive; his find is lost once more. However, his collection did contain four versions of the gyratory ballad. Two of the longer furnish the D and E texts here.

[D]

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two a guinea from Italee
Stalked 'round the streets of old Madrid, yelling, "Hot
        tamale!"
He took his plans to Ferdinand, that monarch fat and lazy.
Says Ferdinand, "To hell with him, the goddam wop is crazy."

Chorus:
He swore the world was round-o.
His balls hung to the ground-o.
That masturbating sonovabitch
With the syph and the clap and the seven-year itch,
Christopher Columbo!

So he went forthwith to see the queen, this dago from Genoa,
And in love he fell with Isabel, that noted Spanish ho-ah.
The disposition of this maid was anything but sainted,
The orifice between her legs was very badly tainted.

He said unto the Queen of Spain, "You give me ship and cargo
And I'm a goddam son of a bitch, if I don't bring back
        Chicago."
Says Isabel, "I see a chance to gratify the passion
That I've conceived for this here wop in truly Spanish
        fashion."

They met at eight at the garden gate, Columbo scarcely knew
        her,
But he laid her flat upon her back and tossed a fuck into her.
The queen put all her jewels in hock to get Columbo started.
She shed salt tears upon the dock; Columbo merely farted.

A week or more from the Spanish shore they heard a frightful
        wailing.
They found Columbo on the bridge with his teeth sunk in the
        railing.
At last he got so very ver' bad that he could only roar,
"I've caught the clap from Isabel, the dirty Spanish whore!"

Now doctors on this lousy ship were very far from many.
The only quack they had on board was a little shit named
        Benny.
But Benny knew a thing or two, his smile was calm and placid
As he filled Columbo's pecker up with muriatic acid.

Columbo sailed and sailed along, across the rough Atlantic,
But when they found there was no tail, it almost drove them
        frantic.
And after several weeks at sea Columbo grew so rooty
His cock stood at attention as it felt the call of duty.

He took his good old whanger out and laid it on the deck-o.
The first mate stumbled over it and damned near broke his
        neck-o.
As he lay there on the quarterdeck close to the forward
        masthole,
Columbo gave his cock a twitch and shoved it up his asshole.

"Oh, spare me, sire!" the first mate cried, "and I'll give you
        my daughter."
"Bring on the bitch," bold Chris replied, "or I will give no
        quarter."
The maiden fled across the deck, the villain he pursued her.
The white of an egg ran down her leg, the son of a bitch had
        screwed her.

Upon the ship they had a monk, the monkey's name was Jumbo,
And all hands used to bugger him, especially Columbo.
The first mate swore, the first mate tore, and then the first
        mate cried-o,
"You fucka my monk, my little monk, and now my monkey's
        died-o."

For ninety days and ninety nights they sailed in search of
        booty
Till on a shore they spied a whore, my God, she was a beauty.
The sailors leaped into the surf, shedding shirts and collars.
In fifteen minutes by the clock, she made ten thousand
        dollars.

Columbo chased a nut-brown maid who resented his advances
Till he ran her up a cocoa palm and fucked her in the
        branches.
For seven hours they kept it up and made a wild commotion,
The coconuts were shaken loose and fell into the ocean.

This island maid was very sweet, but her revenge was sweeter:
Columbo got a dose of syph with chancres on his peter.
So then he journeyed back to Spain where he was needed sorely,
For there the queen, with a lengthy beam, was masturbating
        hourly.

He laid the New World at her feet but gave her greater rapture
When he laid her down upon the rug and set about to scratch
        her.
It took a whole night's labor to satisfy her passion
And he filled her up with syphilis in thorough-going fashion.

[E]

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two, a dago from Italee
Was walking on the streets of Spain, selling hot tomale.
He went up to the queen of Spain, said, "Give me ships and
        cargo
And I'll be a cock-eyed son of a bitch if I don't bring back
        Chicago."

Chorus:
For he knew the world was round-o,
And land it could be found-o,
This masturbating, fornicating
Christofo Colombo.

Now in the town of Madrid, the clapsters were not many,
And the very best clapster in the town was a God-damned Jew
        named Benny.
Columbo he did go to him with a smile both calm and placid,
And Benny filled his peter up with muriatic acid.

Columbo had a one-eyed mate, he loved him like a brother.
They used to go down in the hold and lay on oen another.
The sailors were a whorey crew, they buggered anybody.
Columbo said that was the way that they all kept so ruddy.

And when they hove in sight of land, all were intent on booty.
A whore stood there upon the sand, Great Christ! she was a
        beauty.
The sailors plunged into the deep, shedding coats and collars.
In fifteen minutes by the clock she made nine hundred dollars.

Columbo he did get last whack, his cock was red and fiery.
He started back into his ship to write it in his diary.
A mighty shout arose on board, "All hands, come weigh the
        anchor!"
Columbo couldn't move a step; his balls were full of chancre.

Last Chorus:
Oh, his balls were large and round-o.
His cock hung to the ground-o,
This masturbating, fornicating
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

The above is the research notes from Ed Cray's research for the Erotic Muse III and provide the two of the Canfield texts.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Lighter
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 04:07 PM

Harlow leaves no doubt about his claim to have sung "Columbo" on board "Akbar" in 1876-77. After noting that the words of "The Hog-eye Man" were "of the vilest" (and printing a bowdlerized version), he goes on to say:

"Another chantey that [Brooks] sang was of the same sort. He said it was sung by sailors in the navy, not as a chantey but as a fo'c'sle songs, but we sang it at the pumps as it fitted the time of the pump brakes monotonously working up and down."

Harlow's tune for "Christopher Columbus" is a little unusual but clearly resembles the one sung by, e.g., Oscar Brand.

Cf. these two clumsily bowdlerized stanzas with D above, stz. 10:

Now Chris has brought his monk aboard,
The monkey's name was Jumbo,
And all on board they liked that monk,
Especially Columbo. ...

The monk was found while poor Chris slept;
They hazed him till he died-o.
The first mate wept, the second cursed,
The third mate up and cried-o.

Columbus took his drunken crew "and bound them to the mast-o" to give them "six and thirty lashes-o."

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 05:42 PM

The Duke of Plaza-Toro

In enterprise of martial kind,
When there was any fighting,
He led his regiment from behind
He found it less exciting.
But when away his regiment ran,
His place was at the fore, O
That celebrated,
Cultivated,
Underrated
Nobleman,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!
You always found that knight, ha, ha!
That celebrated,
Cultivated,
Underrated
Nobleman,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

When, to evade Destruction's hand,
To hide they all proceeded,
No soldier in that gallant band
Hid half as well as he did.
He lay concealed throughout the war,
And so preserved his gore, O!
That unaffected,
Undetected,
Well-connected
Warrior,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

In every doughty deed, ha, ha!
He always took the lead, ha, ha!
That unaffected,
Undetected,
Well-connected
Warrior,
The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

Christopher Columbo is apparently a parody of the Duke of Palaz-Toro's
braggadocio song in Sir William Gilbert and Sir Arthur Sullivan's
The Gondoliers which opened December 7, 1889 at the Savoy.

One can listen to the song here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4StLUPFDnBU&t=1904s

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 08:49 PM

Colombo

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two
A begger bound for college
Was roaming in the streets of Spain
And selling hot tamales

He said the world was round - oh
He said it could be found - oh
The hypothetical navigating son-of-a-gun
Colombo

Said Isabel to Ferdinand
His plan sounds mighty hazy
said Ferdinand to Isabel
I think the sucker's crazy!

Through the desert and across the plains
Steaming jungles and tropic rains
No mortal foe can stop me now
This is gonna be my solemn vow

I have honor and I have pride
Winning serves me as my guide
This Army shocks our enemies
Brings them crashing to their knees

Basic Training is plenty rough
To make it through you must be tough
Hey, Squad Leader, don't be blue
They're gonna make you a soldier too

From Marching Cadences pdf from the Missouri Western University ROTC. Uploaded March, 2018.

Download here: https://www.missouriwestern.edu/rotc/wp-content/uploads/sites/71/2018/03/MARCHINGCADENCE.pdf

If there is a clean cadence, there is probably a bawdy version.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 12 Jun 24 - 09:36 PM

In 1492

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two a beggar bound for college (In Fourteen hundred and ninety-two a beggar bound for college)
A-roaming in the streets of Spain a-selling hot tamales (A-roaming in the streets of Spain a-selling hot tamales)

He said the world was round-o! (He said the world was round-o!)
He said it could be found-o! (He said it could be found-o!)
A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo (A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo)

He marched right up to Isabel demanding ships and cargo. (He marched right up to Isabel demanding ships and cargo.)
He said I'd be a son-of-a-gun if I didn't bring back Chicago. (He said I'd be a son-of-a-gun if I didn't bring back Chicago.)

He said the world was round-o! (He said the world was round-o!)
He said it could be found-o! (He said it could be found-o!)
A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo (A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo)

Said Isabel to Ferdinand you're plans look mighty hazy (Said Isabel to Ferdinand you're plans look mighty hazy)
Said Ferdinand to Isabel I think the mother's crazy! (Said Ferdinand to Isabel I think the mother's crazy!)

He said the world was round-o! (He said the world was round-o!)
He said it could be found-o! (He said it could be found-o!)
A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo (A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo)

The queen she gave him three fine ships they were all triple deckers (The queen she gave him three fine ships they were all triple deckers)
The queen she waived her handkerchief Columbo waived his also (The queen she waived her handkerchief Columbo waived his also)

He said the world was round-o! (He said the world was round-o!)
He said it could be found-o! (He said it could be found-o!)
A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo (A hypothetical, navigating, son-of-a-gun Colombo)

Call and response cadence transcribed from the recording "In 1492" found on the Marching Cadences of the United States Air Force CD by Documentary Recordings. It is copyright 1989 but issued on CD in 2000. This company has issued many CDs of running and marching cadences all of which are authentic but only cleaned versions.

Available on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Marching-Cadences-U-S-Air-Force/dp/B00005OMXZ/

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 07:58 AM

Here's a couple interesting versions I found while transcribing the one I posted Tuesday:

https://www.theakforum.net/threads/anyone-remember-old-military-songs.131226/page-2

And, does ANYONE remember this one?? It was taught to our basic training course at Fort Knox, by Drill Sergeants Hunter and Anderson, both veterans of the mighty First Air Cav. Thanks, you two!!


COLUMBO


In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
A **** from Bodello,
Went waltzing down the streets of Spain,
A selling hot tamales.
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That hypothetical, master mate,
That son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

He walked right up to the Queen of Spain,
And begged for ships and cargo.
He said, "I'll be a son-of-a-bitch,
If I don't bring back Chicago."
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That hypothetical, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

Said Isabelle to Ferdinand,
His plan sounds mighty hazy.
Said Ferdinand to Isabelle,
I think the fucker's crazy!
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That hypothetical, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

The Queen, she gave him three fine ships.
Each one a triple-decker.
The Queen, she waved her handkerchief.
Columbo waved his pecker.
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That calculating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

The Queen, she put her jewels in hock,
To get Colombo started;
She wept soft tears upon the dock,
When, at last, her hero parted
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That hypothetical, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

Colombo sighed most pensively;
He looked quite dissipated
To leave the bars which fringed the dock
Was what Colombo hated.
He said the world was round, oh!
He said it could be found, oh!
That hypothetical, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

For forty days and forty nights
They sailed the broad Atlantic
If it wasn't for the sheep aboard
The crew, they would have panicked
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, master mate
That son of a bitch, Columbo

The Skipper had a cabin boy
A dirty little nipper
He lined his ass with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

A boatswain's mate fell overboard,
The sharks did leap and frolic,
They ate him up with relish great,
But shortly died of colic.
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

The crew got tired and mutineed,
They drew their dirks a gatlins's,
Colombo drew a marlinspike,
And chased them up the ratlines.
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That masturbatingl, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

For days and days, and nights and nights,
They sailed the broad Atlantic.
If not for the thought of a piece of ass,
The sailors would be frantic.
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

The Captain lived, the Captain loved.
The Captain's name was Morgan.
He lay on the deck a physical wreck,
A' playin' with his organ.
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

They spied a whore upon the shore,
And off came shirts and collars.
In thirteen hours around the clock,
She made ten thousand dollars.
He said the world was round-o
He said it could be found-o
That hypothetical, calculating
Son of a bitch, Columbo

.......


.......This one went on and on, ad nauseum, and to the delight of every swingin' dick in the platoon! After a while, singing lustily, the verses echoing through forests and across the prairies, wherever and whenever we marched, word was not-so-quietly passed down that the officers' wives had heard, and had been offended by, the lyrics therein, and would we kindly try to keep our voices down when passing through the higher density areas of the base itself, when singing this particular song.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: cnd
Date: 14 Jun 24 - 08:05 AM

From https://www.timshome.com/css/columbo.htm (first archived in identical format to the current page in 2004)

Another early Cheap Suit Serenaders recording was the "Party Record," a 78 RPM recording with fairly risqué lyrics. The songs are "My Girl's Pussy" (click here for approximate lyrics) and "Christopher Columbus" (click here for approximate lyrics - WARNING, NOT FOR THE DELICATE or easily offended!). Here's a scan of the front cover and here's a scan of the back cover. It was on "Red Goose Records" #2016 ("Red Goose" being a pseudonym for "Blue Goose" probably because the record was on red vinyl).



Apologies to anyone who is offended - this song tries to offend just about everyone I'm afraid. All I can say is, I didn't write it nor did I record it!

The lyrics are not definitive - I just listened and tried to get them right! Sections in [brackets] are guesses.

In fourteen hundred and ninety-two,
A Dago from Eye-tally,
Went walking down the avenue,
Eating a hot tamale.

Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
[He sailed a ship around, oh!]
That navigating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

A girl ran from the alleyway,
And who was that pursued her?
The white of an egg ran down her leg,
Columbus sure did screw her.

Columbus went to the Queen of Spain,
To get a ship and cargo.
He said, “I’d be a son-of-a-bitch,
If I don’t bring back Chicago.”

Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
He sailed a ship around, oh!
That masticating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

Bridge:
Hold tight, Mr. Chris Columbus!
[Went to sea] without a compass,
Got a pain in his cucumbus,
Up spoke Mr. Chris Columbus:
"[He said I just can't stand],
Until I reach land,
I must get a hand,
From someone in the band"
Christy took one glance,
And quickly saw his chance,
When a blushing man,
Dropped his pants for romance!

Christy said now, "bend down mister,
And remember if this should pain,
It's for Spain."
And it was not in vain!

When the man bent down,
Christy went to town,
How the crew did cheer,
As he worked from the rear.

(back to main verse tune)

For 40 days and 40 nights,
They sailed in search of booty.
They spied a whore on a pagan shore,
By God she was a beauty!

Over the rails by heads and tails,
Shedding their shirts and collars.
In fourteen minutes by the clock,
She made nine hundred dollars.

Chorus:
He knew the world was round, oh!
His pants were hanging down, oh!
That flagellating, masturbating,
Son-of-a-bitch, Columbo.

Bridge again:
Hold tight, Mr. Chris Columbus!
[He said hurray for the] New World [something unintelligible] compass!

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: and e
Date: 30 Mar 25 - 09:41 AM

The "Cheap Suit Serenaders" recording was done by Robert Crumb. He had
a copy of the Gladys Bently 78 record and commissioned this 78 record
and issued it in 1974. The lyrics should match the Bently recording
pretty closely.

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 30 Mar 25 - 10:35 AM

Ouch. Dear MudElf: in the last-but-one entry above, there seems to have an </a> which has gone astray .... most confusing. Please fix. (I don't mind if this entry vanishes.)

Subject: RE: Origin:Christopher Columbo/Christofo Colombo-bawdy
From: Charley Noble
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 11:37 AM

Maybe I missed this verse from above but maybe not. It's one I learned from my shipmates aboard the ketch "Stout Heart" in 1965 while sailing in the Bahamas:

Columbus had a cabin boy,
The dirty little nipper;
He lined his arse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.

Cheerily,
Charlie Ipcar