Folklore: Glastonbury 2057

Subject: Folklore: Glastonbury 2057
From: GUEST,Shimrod
Date: 25 Jun 07 - 05:15 AM

It was in 2017 that the first attempt was made to make attendance at Glastonbury compulsory for all UK residents. Eventually even politicians realised that you couldn't fit the entire population of the UK into a field in Somerset. The debate in Parliament makes interesting reading. For example, when the New Conservative MP for Reading South was reminded that "you can't get a quart into a pint pot" he replied, "I don't do technical stuff - but I do know that the Music Industry is on its last legs and consumers need to consume more music". The New New Labour MP for Hull East said, "i's really cool, man, like bling-bling innit?" - thus demonstrating his incomplete grasp of even obsolete slang.

In 2024 another attempt was made to beef up attendance. This time MPs passed a bill which made it compulsory for every UK citizen to attend once very 5 years. In the first year the resulting traffic jam lasted for 6 months and 25,000 people died of mud inhalation. Survivors said that they had had "a really great time!"

By 2039 the field in Somerset had been swallowed up by Greater London - which now stretched from Taunton to Southend and from Brighton to Grantham. The location was switched to South Humberside/North Lincolnshire- the only remaining stretch of open countryside between Greater London and The Conurbation of The North (comprising Liverpool, Manchester, Leeds/Bradford, Hull etc.). Unfortunately, this area was the focus of a bitter conflict between a multi-trillionaire property developer, another multi-trillionaire Dutch windfarm builder and BP, who wanted the land to plant biofuel crops on. Niklaus Van Rijn, the windfarm builder (motto: "we look like we're doing something about it!") won in the end - just before the area was inundated by the North Sea...

Finally, in 2055, The Ministry of Bright Ideas had a Bright Idea (the only one they were ever to have). Rather than attending an actual, physical site, citizens (or 'Pod-People' as they were now called) were required to lie in a bath of mud for a week (mud was by now a scarce resource and cost £150,000 a bathfull - thus making making massive profits for British mud producers) whilst having white noise and a monotonous drumbeat beamed into their heads. The first 'New-Glastobury' happened in 2057 and all Pod-People were programmed to state that they had had "a really great time!"

In 2059 the 'Mega-Catastrophe' happened and Glastonbury became permanently irrelevant.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Glastonbury 2057
From: GUEST,Gordon T
Date: 25 Jun 07 - 08:12 AM

When Glastonbury became compulsory in 2017 mud became the central attraction (not the band obviously) - in fact,most dutiful citizens were happy to comply with the government directive,although many objected that being bombarded with loud noises was cruel and unusual punishment,and suggested that the experience would be more worthwhile without the presence of groups of inarticulate young men playing guitars and shouting. An exception was made for the Who,headlining again,because their act,with songs like My Generation, and Cant Explain, was now considered traditional folk music,and therefore good for building nationhood.

Subject: RE: Folklore: Glastonbury 2057
From: Doktor Doktor
Date: 25 Jun 07 - 08:27 AM

Anyone remember the year Tony Benn finally resigned? I remember it was the year after the unfortunate "Two Tones" gig when he was joined by X-Blair - the mass somnambula incident - 20,000 referrals for narcolepsy during the gig itself ... dangerous in rising mud ....