BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 10:11 PM

They're not going to cremate Michael Jackson. They're going to melt down all the plastic and make legos, so the kids can play with him.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 26 Jun 09 - 11:39 PM

Two rednecks were out hunting in the woods when one fell to the ground and wouldn't respond. The other called 911 and asked what he needed to do. She said,"first make sure he isn't breathing". There was a pause, then a gunshot. The man came back on the phone and said ,"Ok now what?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 27 Jun 09 - 09:59 AM

I just heard on the radio that Jacko had died.
It didnt say what colour?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jul 09 - 10:21 AM

"Toothpaste"

Our local paper runs a popular column called "10
Questions" that spotlights people who live in our
community.

In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation
and age, people are asked the questions that give
a snapshot look of their personalities.

Recently one woman was asked, "What's the
'strangest' thing you ever bought?"

She answered, "Dog toothpaste."

Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing
people say to you?"

Her answer: "How did you get such white teeth?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Amos
Date: 01 Jul 09 - 09:32 PM

The Ultimate Quote of the day

"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.
If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.
If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: HuwG
Date: 02 Jul 09 - 06:04 AM

UK-only ...

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Alex Ferguson (manager of Manchester United Football Club)?

Ferguson will be playing Giggs in August.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Jul 09 - 02:39 PM

"Ceremonies"

Ken and Melba had finished their breakfast
at the retirement home and were relaxing in
the library.

"You know," said Melba, "today, in most
marriage ceremonies, they don't use the
word 'obey' anymore."

"Too bad, isn't it?" retorted Ken. "It used
to lend a little humor to the occasion."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 05:28 PM

The other day it was announced that scientists had found a drug that would make older people crave more sex. Hearing this, Madonna exploded.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Jul 09 - 08:23 PM

Two old puns on one old word:

In 1933, when FDR called in all the gold, Tallulah Bankhead showed up at the bank with a huge stack of gold coins. "Why, Miss Bankhead," said the teller, "you've been hoarding!" "Never mind how I got it. Bank it."

A cartoon I never saw showed a student standing on a chair, nailing a high-heeled shoe over his door. Another student was saying "I think, Pierre, you misunderstood when we were telling you about that old American custom."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Jul 09 - 07:16 AM

Did you ever receive spam emails?

Yes?

No! You did not.
Read here why you only think that you got spam emails but did not ...

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Jul 09 - 09:07 PM

Doctor's Advice!

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't
waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live
longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat
more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?   Hay and corn.   And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain?   Eat chicken.   Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).   And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.   Beer is also made out of grain.
Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat   ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in
vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting
more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is   chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO   Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good   food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure,   explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my   lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - A glass of wine in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and   screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'   

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Jul 09 - 09:53 AM

The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now."
    The young priest nodded, and the old priest continu ed, "And you told me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the balcony."
    "Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."
    "All of these ideas have been well and good," said the elderly priest, "But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."
    "But Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"
    "Yes," replied the elderly priest, "and I appreciate that.... But the flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the church roof."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Jul 09 - 06:37 PM

Be sure to remove the screen before jumping out the window. Otherwise, you might strain yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 09 - 06:50 PM

The distressed-looking man had downed several
drinks in rapid succession before the bartender
asked him, "You trying to drown your sorrows,
buddy?"

"You could say that," the guy replied.

"It usually does not work, you know."

"No crap," the man moaned. "I cannot even get
my wife anywhere near the water!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Jul 09 - 05:02 PM

"Double Occupancy"

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll
take it."

"Okay, I'll arrange it," said the manager.

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and
he sat up all night watching me."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 09 - 03:41 PM

Subject: Places You Could Live After Retirement....

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park three blocks away because you found shade.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the
face when you open your oven door.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!

You can Live in California where....
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long
it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where....
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from
Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature,'
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own
language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty
Jean, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It
was different!'

AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind--even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: alanabit
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 04:55 AM

The 11th Husband.....

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times.?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.



"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it.

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynaecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it. --- God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".

"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the "GOVERNMENT"..
This time I KNOW I'M gonna get SCREWED!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Jul 09 - 08:26 AM

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It
was different!'

All of both of those apply to Vermont (outside of the greater Burlington area, and of Woodstock).

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he
stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

Those sound a lot like the Bozeman area of Montana - except the last one; I don't think anyone old enough to be bald is allowed to live there.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jul 09 - 03:13 PM

"Something For The House"

The husband was not home at his usual hour,
and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later
and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise
at the front door, and as she stood at the top of
the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a
skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she asked.

He answered, "Don't get excited. I'm late because
I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran
down the stairs to meet him halfway, she said,
"What did you buy for the house, dear?"

His answer was, "A round of drinks!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Jul 09 - 03:05 PM

"Blond Patient"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help
me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream
on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away
by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor,
"I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my
house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated,
"I mean on which part of your body did that bee
sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same
to me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Jul 09 - 04:27 PM

The first ship from Earth landed, and the inhabitants of the distant planet, after initial courtesies, gave their guests a tour. The Earthlings were particularly amazed at being shown a factory where babies were assembled. And how else, asked their host, would you do it? The answer led to some incredulity, and so, with some trepidation, a pair of Earthlings volunteered to give a demonstration. After it was over, one of the natives said "Remarkable. But where's the baby?" "You have to be patient. It takes 9 months." "But then why were you in such a hurry toward the end?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 02:16 PM

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe... as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.
Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance.
Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks.
A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts,"Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We've been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?"
"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is adoctor; come in and I will get him!"
Bob brings his wife in.
An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. Iam not a medical doctor; I am a scientist.. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."


With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.


After a brief examination, Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor.Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.


The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.


Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music.. Stunned, he watches as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit up straight!


Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.


He bursts in and shouts to his master:
   






"Master, Master! ..... The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 06:33 PM

To Sooz,


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!!!!

There now that feels better!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jul 09 - 08:35 PM

DaveO: Cf.

Two cool types are sitting on the end of a pier, dangling their legs in the water.

"Hey, man, an alligator just bit off my leg."
"Which one?"
"Beats me. You see one alligator, you've seen 'em all."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jul 09 - 11:31 AM

I don't usually like ageist jokes, but this one is funny, imo:

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Aug 09 - 05:36 AM

The real reason Dick Cheney disbanded his secret Black Ops unit was after a dyslexic controller ordered an air strike on a John Lewis* van carrying Osman Bed Linen**.


RtS
*A well-know Brititsh chain department store
**A well-known brand in the UK

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: heric
Date: 01 Aug 09 - 02:53 PM

A little old man was walking along the beach in Miami, when he kicked a bottle and a genie popped out. The genie granted him a wish and he asled for peace in the Middle East, with Israel existing in harmony with its neighbors. The genie sais that dispute is centuries old - it's older than I am. It may not be a prudent with can you think of anything else?

The man said well, I have been married thirty years and haven't had a BJ in twenty-five - Do you think you could get my wife to give me one?

The genie paused, sighed, and said "Let me have another look at that map."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Aug 09 - 07:42 AM

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there anyway you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 03 Aug 09 - 07:54 AM

Quick thinking electrical engineer


My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I's able to fast-talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual, since she had never before expressed in interest in my work (electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I currently trying to figure why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked.

"At the moment," I replied. I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter disbelief, mouth agape.

"I'll be back for you at five," she said.

"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!", I yelled in a hushed voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!"

"You'll think of something", she said, dropping the keys into her cleavage, "you always do".

"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom", I countered.

"Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole day without visiting the bathroom"

"But....," I tried to say.

"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye"

She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not. All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes. They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told them I hadn't the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might make it through this after all," I thought. I was even beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$# board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again fundamentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible explanation for this. Mr Solderbrain (the name we called him behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my predicament.

Finally, he spoke.

"What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!" he said.

I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it and didn't fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DaveA
Date: 07 Aug 09 - 07:03 AM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in
the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted,
"Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in
the water, shotgun in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying
nearby were several more of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated,
shouts out, "This one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Aug 09 - 07:40 PM

Man blames cat for child porn downloads

http://au.news.yahoo.com/a/-/world/5787239/man-blames-cat-for-child-porn-downloads/

AAP August 8, 2009, 6:39 am

Investigators in Florida say a man accused of downloading child pornography is blaming his cat.

Keith Griffin is charged with 10 counts of possession of child pornography after detectives found more than 1,000 images on his home computer.

According to a sheriff's report on Friday, Griffin told investigators that his cat jumped on the computer keyboard while he was downloading music. He said he had left the room and found "strange things" on his computer when he returned.

Griffin is being held on $US250,000 ($A297,830) bond in the Martin County jail. It is unclear if he has an lawyer.
~~~~~~~~

... and they say that on the internet, no one can tell you are a dog... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 08 Aug 09 - 10:14 PM

OPEN LETTER TO THE KANSAS SCHOOL BOARD.
By Bobby Henderson
http://www.scq.ubc.ca/open-letter-to-the-kansas-school-board-2/

- FROM THE ARCHIVE -

I am writing you with much concern after I read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design to be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I'm writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I'm sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don't understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I'm sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming to long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don't.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

Sphere: Related Content

Divider

Bobby Henderson is 24 years old, having recently graduated from Oregon State University with a Physics degree. He is also very much unemployed, and it is clear to him (at least in the US), the ability to think is not required, or even a desired behavior. Furthermore, he believes that pursuing work which intends to improve the condition of the world is a dead end scenario, both career-wise and financially. For that reason, he feels strongly that his best chance for "success" would be to open a one-stop shop for liquor, lottery tickets, and perhaps a spot where patrons can pour oil on trapped animals. Of course, maybe he's just overreacting.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 26 Aug 09 - 08:25 PM

Birds of a feather flock together. Then crap on your car.



I'm a nobody and nobody's perfect; therefore I'm perfect.



Eagles may soar ,but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: mayomick
Date: 27 Aug 09 - 04:32 PM

you're a perfect nobody

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 03:40 PM

An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year. Upon her return, her Father cussed her. 'Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff....Dad....I became a prostitute...'

'Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club.....(takes a breath).....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... .'

'Now what was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff....a prostitute Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 03:41 PM

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the new health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The folks at Obama health care recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 09:04 PM

57% have piles. The rest are perfect assholes.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bill D
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 11:35 PM

""The folks at Obama health care ..."

Is "Obama" supposed to make that funny? If so, it is a stupid (It sounds likejoke...if not, why include it? (It sounds like a recycled old joke with "Obama" plugged into it to make some ponit.)

The health care plan would not create that situation, and using that kind of humor to suggest that is would, offends me.

Who me? A sarcastic pedant?...nawww...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Peace
Date: 02 Sep 09 - 11:50 PM

What could possibly go wrong:
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello?"
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Sanders, this is Dr. Jones at St. Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but our health care system will only pay for these expensive tests just one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The folks at the testing facility recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Sep 09 - 12:33 PM

It was still funny, before!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:21 PM

Secret Plastic Surgery

A woman was in a terrible accident, and her face needed plastic surgery to cover her scars. The doctor told the husband that she desperately needed a skin graft, that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, no subcutaneous fat.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from hubby's buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you."

"My darling, think nothing of it," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:25 PM

The Golf Cheat

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only nine holes. Sid says to Barney, "Let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day."

"Deal!" Barney agrees.

After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball; you look over there," he says to Sid.

After five minutes neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly, "After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?"

"What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!"

"And a liar, too!" Sid says with amazement. "I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Sep 09 - 01:31 PM

University Safety Committee

Three professors, a mathematician, a physicist, and a biologist,
were assigned to be the safety committee for the destruction of
an old campus building. They watched as workers went in and out
to prepare the building, set the dynamite, etc., so they knew
they needed a plan to ensure everyone was out before they pushed
the button to blow it up.

The three professors agreed that they should lock all the doors
except one, and keep count of everyone going in and out of the
building. After hours on the second to last day, they scoured
the building to ensure no one was left inside, and the next
morning watched as the workers went in and out.

When the time came to blow up the building, two workers went in
to set the fuses, and when they came out, the safety committee
said, everyone would be out and it would be safe to blow up the
building. Except that once the fuses were set, THREE workers
came out!

The physicist says, "We must have miscounted!"

The biologist says, "They must have reproduced when they were in
there!"

And the mathematician says, "Okay, when one more person enters
the building, it will be empty!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 03:02 AM

A drover from a huge cattle station in outback Australia appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered. "Once, on a trip to the backblocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya!"


St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"



"A couple of minutes ago"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Sep 09 - 07:17 PM

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq.'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either.'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Sep 09 - 12:16 PM

"Newly Wed"

Soon after their wedding, the bride tells
the groom, "Darling, now that we are married,
I want you to fire your secretary."

"But honey," says the groom, "you used to
be a secretary yourself."

"Yes," she replies, "that's why I want you
to fire her."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Sep 09 - 06:27 PM

Don't Mess with Mother Nature

On the 16th hole of a golf course, Fred hit his ball into the woods. Harry laughed at Fred, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods too, just a few yards beyond. It took Fred a long time to look for his ball and he was getting angrier every minute. Finally, he found his ball in a patch of yellow buttercups. Instead of simply continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.

Suddenly, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. No butterscotch sundaes, either. As a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!"

Then poof! She was gone.

After Fred got a hold of himself, he hollered to his friend, "Harry! Harry! Where are you?"

Harry yelled, "I'm over here, in the pussy willows."

Fred screamed back, "Don't swing! For God's sake, don't swing!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 11:12 AM

And Joseph went up from Galilee to Bethlehem with Mary, his
espoused wife, who was great with child. And she brought forth a
son and wrapped him in swaddling clothes and laid him in a
manger because there was no room for them in the inn. And the
angel of the Lord spoke to the shepherds and said, "I bring you
tidings of great joy. Unto you is born a Savior, which is Christ
the Lord."

"There's a problem with the angel," said a Pharisee who happened
to be strolling by. As he explained to Joseph, angels are widely
regarded as religious symbols, and the stable was on public
property where such symbols were not allowed to land or even hover.

"And I have to tell you, this whole thing looks to me very much
like a Nativity scene," he said sadly. "That's a no-no, too."

Joseph had a bright idea. "What if I put a couple of reindeer
over there near the ox and ass?" he said, eager to avoid
sectarian strife.

"That would definitely help," said the Pharisee, who knew as
well as anyone that whenever a savior appeared, judges usually
liked to be on the safe side and surround it with deer or
woodland creatures of some sort. "Just to clinch it, throw in a
candy cane and a couple of elves and snowmen, too," he said. "No
court can resist that."

Mary asked, "What does my son's birth have to do with snowmen?"

"Snowpersons!" cried a young woman, changing the subject before
it veered dangerously toward religion.

Off to the side of the crowd, a Philistine was painting the
Nativity scene. Mary complained that she and Joseph looked too
tattered and worn in the picture. "Artistic license," he said.
"I've got to show the plight of the haggard homeless in a
greedy, uncaring society in winter," he explained.

"We're not haggard or homeless. The inn was just full," said Mary.

"Whatever," said the painter.

Two women began to argue fiercely. One said she objected to
Jesus' birth "because it privileged motherhood." The other
scoffed at virgin births, but said that if they encouraged more
attention to diversity in family forms and the rights of single
mothers, well, then, she was all for them.

"I'm not a single mother," Mary started to say, but she was cut
off by a third woman who insisted that swaddling clothes are a
form of child abuse, since they restrict the natural movement of
babies.

With the arrival of 10 child advocates, all trained to spot
infant abuse and manger rash, Mary and Joseph were pushed to the
edge of the crowd, where arguments were breaking out over how
many reindeer (or what mix of reindeer and seasonal sprites) had
to be installed to compensate for the infant's unfortunate
religious character.

An older man bustled up, bowling over two merchants who had been
busy debating whether an elf is the same as a fairy and whether
the elf/fairy should be shaking hands with Jesus in the crib or
merely standing to the side, jumping around like a sports mascot.

"I'd hold off on the reindeer," the man said, explaining that
the use of asses and oxen as picturesque backdrops for Nativity
scenes carries the subliminal message of human dominance. He
passed out two leaflets, one denouncing manger births as
invasions of animal space, the other arguing that stables are
"penned environments" where animals are incarcerated against
their will. He had no opinion about elves or candy canes.

Signs declaring "Free the Bethlehem 2" began to appear,
referring to the obviously exploited ass and ox. Someone said
the halo on Jesus' head was elitist. Mary was exasperated. "And
what about you, old mother?" she said sharply to an elderly
woman. "Are you here to attack the shepherds as prison guards
for excluded species, maybe to complain that singing in
Latin identifies us with our Roman oppressors, or just to say
that I should have skipped patriarchal religiosity and joined
some dumb new-age goddess religion?"

"None of the above," said the woman, "I just wanted to tell you
that the Magi are here." Sure enough, the three wise men rode up.

"They're all male!" the crowd gasped. "And not very multicultural!"

"Balthazar here is black," said one of the Magi.

"Yes, but how many of you are gay or disabled?" someone shouted.
A committee was quickly formed to find an impoverished lesbian
wise-person among the halt and lame of Bethlehem.

A calm voice said, "Be of good cheer, Mary, for you have done
well and your son will change the world." At last, a sane
person, Mary thought. She turned to see a radiant and confident
female face. The woman spoke again: "There is one thing, though.
Religious holidays are important, but can't we learn to
celebrate them in ways that unite, not divide? For instance,
instead of all this business about 'Gloria in excelsis Deo,'
why not just 'Season's Greetings'?"

Mary said, "You mean my son has entered human history to deliver
the message, 'Hello, it's winter'?"

"That's harsh, Mary," said the woman. "Remember, your son could
make it big in midwinter festivals, if he doesn't push the
religion thing too far. Centuries from now, in nations yet
unborn, people will give each other pricey gifts and have big
office parties on his birthday. That's not chopped liver."

"Let me get back to you," Mary said.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Ref
Date: 01 Oct 09 - 09:59 PM

I guess if everyone's a fervent Christian, that's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 02:23 AM

It's not a joke about Christians, against Christians or specifically for Christians, fervent or otherwise!

DC