BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Tangledwood
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 02:40 AM

It's more an observation of our society and it is funny.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Ref
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 06:30 PM

...Except that these are observations first made about twenty years ago and they weren't funny then. They're supposed to make people yearn for bygone days when minorities were afraid to raise their heads in public. You're entitled to your own opinion, but not to my respect of it.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Oct 09 - 08:43 PM

Goodnight Prayers

A father put his 3-year-old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers -- which she ended by saying: "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa." The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence, but a few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which ended like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side! He made sure he listened to her prayers every night.

Sure enough, several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch, and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it -- I've just spent the worst day of my life."

"You think you had a bad day?" she replied. "You'll never believe what happened to me: This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Sooz
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 04:16 AM

Phil the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs.

Phil kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Phil could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

Farmer Phil's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Phil noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all!

Phil went to investigate. All the other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Phil amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do the business and walk on to the next one.

Phil was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a pulletician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention..

Do you know a Pulletician called Gordon?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 02:07 PM

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

"You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome
to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few
strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and
says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: theman
Date: 03 Oct 09 - 10:46 PM

Thoughts for a Day

1. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

6. A penny saved is a government oversight.

7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

10. He who hesitates is probably right.

11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

14. Did you ever notice: When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Oct 09 - 04:10 PM

You Can Learn SO Much from Headlines!

From my files, dated 1995.

Real newspaper headlines, excerpted from the 'Notebook' pages of /New
Republic/ magazine

*Study Finds Sex, Pregnancy Link*
Cornell Daily Sun

*Whatever Their Motives, Moms Who Kill Kids Still Shock Us*
Holland Sentinel

*Survey Finds Dirtier Subways After Cleaning Jobs Were Cut*
New York Times

*Larger Kangaroos Leap Farther, Researchers Find*
Los Angeles Times

*'Light' Meals are Lower in Fat, Calories*
Huntington Herald-Dispatch

*Alcohol Ads Promote Drinking*
Hartford Courant

*Malls Try to Attract Shoppers*
Baltimore Sun

*Official: Only Rain Will Cure Drought*
Herald-News, Westpost, Massachusetts

*Teenage Girls Often Have Babies Fathered by Men*
Portland Oregonian

*Low Wages Said Key to Poverty*
New York Newsday

*Man Shoots Neighbor With Machete*
Miami Herald

*Tomatoes Come in Big, Little, Medium Sizes*
Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia

*Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows*
New York Times

*Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies*
Los Angeles Times

*Scientists See Quakes in L.A. Future*
Portland Oregonian

*Wachtler Tells Graduates That Life in Jail is Demeaning*
Buffalo News

*Free Advice: Bundle Up When Out in the Cold*
Lexington Herald-Leader

*Prosecution Paints O.J. as a Wife-Killer*
Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel

*Economist Uses Theory to Explain Economy*
Collinsville Herald-Journal

*Bible Church's Focus is the Bible*
Saint Augustine Record, Florida

*Discoveries: Older Blacks Have Edge in Longevity*
Chicago Tribune

*Court Rules Boxer Shorts Are Indeed Underwear*
Journal of Commerce

*Biting Nails Can Be Sign of Tenseness in a Person*
Schenectady, New York, Daily Gazette

*Lack of Brains Hinders Research*
Columbus Dispatch

*How We Feel About Ourselves is the Core of Self-Esteem, Says Author
Louise Hart*
Boulder, Colorado, Daily Camera

*Fish Lurk in Streams*
Rochester, New York, Democrat & Chronicle

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 05:13 PM

To Change a Light Bulb

Q: How many chiropractors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes 20 visits.

Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb
itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective
reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out
toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: What do you mean, "change"!?

Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.

and...

*Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?*

A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a
timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the
following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and
the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do
hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current
position as a result of failure to perform previously
agreed-upon duties, i.e., the illumination of the area ranging
from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating
at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated
by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being
at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and
not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be
limited to, the following steps:

1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool,
ladder, or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) in a counterclockwise direction, said direction
being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of
the first part (Lawyer) with every reasonable caution by the
party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the structural
integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary
and agreed-upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however,
both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform, and in such case the party of
the first part (Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such
structural failure insofar as this agreement is concerned.
provided that the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counterclockwise) is observed by the party of the first part
(Lawyer) throughout.

2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part
("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have
the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local,
and federal statutes.

3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning
installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").
This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the
reverse of the procedures described in Step 1 of this document,
being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a
clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable.

NOTE: The above-described steps may be performed, at the option
of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the
first part (Lawyer), by his heirs and assigns, or by any and all
persons authorized by him to do so, the objective being to
produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization
of commerce and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also
known as "The Firm."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Oct 09 - 08:17 PM

"shall, with or without elevation, at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder, or any other means of elevation"

Oh dear! there's several pages of clauses omitted there - safety regulations as to approved types of ladders, approved construction material - if metal ladders are used, then there must be special insulation procedures, a second person to brace the ladder, especially if over a certain height, etc...

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 09:17 AM

"Bad Virus"

There's a new potentially harmful virus doing the rounds.
Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee
cannot take care of this one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1950.

Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it
to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

It's called the "C-NILE VIRUS."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Oct 09 - 08:50 PM

Pat, a strapping young Irishman, saw a "Help Wanted" sign at a construction site. The foreman looked at him skeptically: "This is no job for a common laborer. You have to have the knowledge. You have to know a joist from a girder." "Sure and I have the knowledge," says Pat. "Joist wrote Ulysses, and Girder wrote Faust."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Tangledwood
Date: 10 Oct 09 - 06:12 AM

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pork pie and half a pint. Naturally the publican was somewhat taken aback and said "You're a duck. You can talk."
"That's right" the duck replied, "now can I have my lunch?"
The next day the duck returned for lunch so the publican asked where he was from.
"I work on the building site just across the road." he replied.
The lunch time visits became routine.

The following a week a circus arrived in town and after setting up the performers came to the pub for a few beers. The publican got talking with the circus manager and told him about the duck. The manager was very excited, saying that he thought they would be able to use him so the publican promised to ask the duck if he was interested.

Next day the publican told the duck "The circus down the road is very interested in you and would like to offer you a job."
"Hmmm," said the duck, "the circus. That's the place with the animals and the big tents isn't it?"
"That's right." the publican replied
"And they want to offer me a job?"
"Yes."
"Why?" the duck enquired "what do they want a bricklayer for?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 12:23 PM

"Ellis Island 101"

Yehudah Tzvi Windweher arrived at Ellis Island and
asked his friend, "What would be a good American
name for me? I want it to be Jewish, but more American."

His friend replied, "Sam Cohen, that's a good American
Jewish name."

Yehudah Tzvi began his long walk up a massive flight
of steps leading to the immigration office. With each
step he said, "Sam Cohen, Sam Cohen", in an earnest
effort to learn his new name.

When he finished carrying his luggage to the top of the
flight, he was winded and tired. A large immigration
officer caught Yehuda Tzvi off guard when he said
"NAME?" in a booming voice.

A flustered Yehudah Tzvi replied "shoyn fargesin" ("I
already forgot" in Yiddish).

The immigration officer replied, "Sean Ferguson, welcome
to the United States of America!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 09 - 08:21 PM

The lady of the house pulled out the produce drawer of her refrigerator and saw a rabbit snuggled up to a head of lettuce -- no less a rabbit than Bugs Bunny himself! She asked, "What are you doing here?" "Isn't this refrigerator a Westinghouse?" "Yes." "Well, I'm westing."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 06:48 PM

I dont see any schedule of fees. Dont tell me that lawyer was changing that light bulb for free?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 09 - 07:15 PM

Andrez, the question of fees is not between the lawyer and the light bulb. The lawyer is changing a bulb in his own law firm's office.

But lawyers live by billable hours, and his time will be split up among all his current cases, after being multiplied by some indeterminate figure between ten and a hundred.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 02:44 PM

The Psychiatric Hotline

Due to a huge upswing in call volume, the Psychiatric Hotline
has had to get an automated menuing system to route the incoming
calls to the correct department. For our clients' convenience,
the text of the greeting is copied here.


If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you
want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice
will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you
press -- no one will answer.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 04:02 PM

If a Polack is a child molester, shouldn't he sleep with grown-ups?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Oct 09 - 11:34 PM

The exquisite fairhaired young woman approached the desk at the Public Library, and said, "Please, I would like a quarter pounder cheeseburger with regular fries and a Coke."

"Madam," replied the astonished librarian, "this is a library."

"Oh, I am sorry," she said, sinking her voice to a whisper; "I'd like a quarter-pounder cheeseburger..."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Oct 09 - 05:03 AM

I bow to the Master, Uncle Dave O!

Please accept these two small offerings at the altar:

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: No one knows because when the light comes on they all scatter

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It depends, how much money do you have?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 02:43 AM

A topical joke:

Better than a Flu Shot!

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness
And kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor
Came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea..

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,
The young minister
Noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled
With water, and in the water
Floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones,
They began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its strange floater,
But soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through
The Park a few months ago
And I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said
To place it on the organ,
Keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven't had the flu all winter.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:33 AM

LMAO !

Warning : this one does not translate into US English.

Three brothers had married three sisters. The mother of the sisters pretended to be a psychic, a sensitive, and wished to interview the men who had married her daughters.

John had married Penny. The mother-in-law told him he was obsessed with money.

James had married Cherie. The mother-in-law told him he was obsessed with booze.

At this, the third brother said to his wife "Come on home, Fanny - we're not staying here to be insulted !".

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 05:22 AM

Q: How many BS: 2nd Joke Thread of 2009 MudCat readers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: 2,331

1 to change the lightbulb

14 to share similar experiences of changing lightbulbs and how the lightbulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing lightbulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing lightbulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers

156 to write to the Joe or Max complaining about the lightbulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.

41 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.

109 to post that this list is not about lightbulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb

203 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing lightbulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use lightbulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.

306 to debate which method of changing lightbulbs is superior, where to buy the best lightbulbs, what brand of lightbulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URLs where one can see examples of different lightbulbs

14 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.

3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes lightbulbs relevant to this list.

33 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add "Me Too."

12 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the lightbulb controversy.

19 to quote the "Me Too's" to say, "Me Three."

4 to suggest that posters request the lightbulb FAQ.

1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.

47 to say this is just what alt.physics.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.

143 votes for alt.lite.bulb.

and of course 1000 to say Aw F*ck light bulbs are electric!


Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 07:49 AM

Andrez, you forgot the one explaining to those across the pond what a light bulb is.

Cheers
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 08:07 AM

I thought it was the same all around the globe?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DMcG
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 11:40 AM

You forget the one pointing out thet Mudcat is not a news froup so all the stuff about alt.* is misleading.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: DMcG
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 11:41 AM

... Nor is it a news group.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Michael
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:27 PM

I thought it was the same all around the globe? Globe!! good one Dead Horse.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Oct 09 - 04:45 PM

A fire chief hears that two of his men are still inside a burning building so he runs in after them. He's shocked to find them having sex with each other on the floor.

"What's going on here?" He demands

The first fireman says - "I heard Jones was still in her so I ran in and found him overcome with smoke inhalation"

"Well the proper way to treat smoke inhalation is with mouth to mouth resuscitation" the fire chief reply's.

"I know" – the fireman says - "that's how it all started"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Dead Horse
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:23 AM

Lucky Day

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

"Egg timer's broken again"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 10:06 AM

The Internal Revenue Service decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to an appointment with the toughest auditor in the office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my OTHER eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me $20,000 that he could come in here and piss all over your desk -- and that you'd be happy about it!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 05:07 PM

It's from the Northwest Indiana Times, and reads,

"Chesterton Cops Say Woman Had Merchandise in Pants"

Now, the first thing that went through my head was, "Is this a
shoplifting case, or a prostitution bust?"

It turns out that it's the former, but there's a line in the
story that just bowled me over.

Here's what the woman allegedly stole:

   * two dental kits
   * a bottle of cologne
   * one toy car
   * 12 packs of Ponds Facial Strips
   * a bottle of antifungal cream
   * two fingernail kits and two bottles of foundation primer

...which were found in her purse. When apprehended she also pulled these items out of her pants (hence the headline):

   * 10 DVDs
   * a Play Station video game
   * a pair of white tube socks
   * a black and red bra
   * a black and red pair of women's underwear with the word
"pouty" printed on them
   * three pairs of size 4T boys underwear, and
   * two women's rings

Apparently Tina Yeakey, 32, has some pretty big pants.

Now with all that in mind, here's what I want to point out --
the line in the story that "made it" for me:

"Yeakey was charged with felony theft and misdemeanor
conversion. She was taken to Porter County Jail, which has no
death row."

So, what -- they need to transfer her to a jail that DOES have a
death row? Boy: when it comes to shoplifting, we're pretty
strict in Indiana!

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:08 PM

(Rated about PG-13....)

A newlywed blonde woman goes to a divorce lawyer to say that she
wants to divorce her new husband. The lawyer, far from the
mercenary type, says that maybe they can work the problem out --
what's the problem?

"Well, it's kind of embarrassing," she says.

"It's that my husband is just so. . .well . . . big!" said the
blonde. Every time we make love, it really hurts."

The lawyer indeed doesn't see any real way to save the marriage,
so he tells her, "Well, I guess you'll just have to file your
petition, then."

The blonde turns red and jumps to her feet.

"The HELL I will!" she screams. "He'll have to sandpaper HIS!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 02:14 AM

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.

"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.

"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."

"Yes -- so what?"

"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

Cheers,

Andrez

PS: There's worse where that came from :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Young Buchan
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 02:10 PM

This joke is optional for Americans.

A Welshman died and went up to the pearly gates where he was met by a saint with a clipboard, who began to ask him questions:
Saint: Name?
Welshman: Gareth Llewellyn
S: Date of birth?
W: 19/6/46
S: Place of birth?
W: Colwyn Bay
S: Qualification for admission to heaven?
W: I have never drunk, gambled, smoked, sworn, missed chapel on Sunday …
S: Stop. You clearly haven't heard about the new regulations. We've been getting so many of you Welsh Baptists up here whose lives are just based on not doing anything wrong, that we all got hideously bored. So to qualify now, as well as not doing anything wrong, you have to prove you did at least one remarkable thing in your life to make it worthwhile and memorable. So did you ever save someone's life, or write a novel or have a flower named after you?
W: Well no. Mind you, I did play cricket for Glamorgan.
S: OK. That should do it. Of course, we'll need to get it verified, but that won't be a problem. Due to an administrative oversight we've got Wilf Wooler up here!
W: I don't think he'll remember me.
S: Don't be daft. He was Mr Glamorgan – player, captain, secretary, president….
W: Yes but I doubt if he'll remember me. The truth is I only played one game. It was a dull Thursday and I went to watch the start of a match against Essex at Colwyn Bay. Before the start they were warming up. Peter Walker hit a high ball up for fielding practice. Bernie Hedges and Jim Presdee both ran for it, crashed into each other and both got taken to hospital with concussion. There was only one twelfth man so they appealed to the crowd for someone to play. I was the only spectator under 50. I didn't bowl, didn't take a catch and made 0 and 0 not out.
S: Well you may not have been much of a cricketer, but that's a really interesting story. I reckon we can let you in on that – provided you really have led a sinless life. Is there anything you need to confess?
W: Well, yes there is. And it happened in that match. I was number 11. With the fifth ball of the penultimate over, needing 4 to win, Ossie Wheatley was out, and that was the ninth wicket down. As he met me coming back in he said, "Don Shepherd is at the other end. If he gets the last over he'll get a 4. All you have to do is survive one ball. Don't try to be a hero. Let it go if you can; if not, block it." I took guard and the bowler ran up and bowled. It looked as if it was going to be just outside off. I knew I should pad up, and leave it, but a little voice in my head said, "You could hit this for 4 and win the match!" I went to drive, but as soon as it hit the ground it cut away and I just knew it was going to take the outside edge. It was too late to withdraw the bat, so I did the only thing I could. I coughed. There was a nick, the wicketkeeper took it and all the slips went up. But the umpire wasn't sure he'd heard a nick over the sound of my cough, and gave me the benefit of the doubt. In the next over Don Shepherd got the boundary and we won.
S: And so that Glamorgan could win a cricket match, you cheated and imperilled your immortal soul?
W: I'm afraid so.
S: Well, I think on this occasion we can turn a blind eye and let you in.
W: Thank you. That's fantastic. And everyone always says what a stickler St. Peter is!
S: Oh, St. Peter is on his tea-break. I'm St. David.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 03:49 PM

I think I get it...!

~ Becky in Long Beach, Calif., U.S.A.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 06:21 PM

Golden Anniversary Truth

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something
I have to know. In all of these 50 years have you ever been
unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes,
I've been unfaithful to you on three occasions during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was stunned by his wife's confession, but said, "I never
suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

"Let's see," Martha said. "The first time was shortly after we
were married, and we were about to lose our little house because
we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I
went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the
loan would be extended?"

Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive
you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we
didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he
did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry "And you did it to save my life, so
of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the
third time."

"All right," Martha said, a little more hesitant. "So do you
remember when you ran for president of the yacht club, and you
needed 73 more votes...?"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 02:34 PM

Satan Complains God Isn't Fair

Satan was complaining bitterly to God: "You made the world so
that it was not fair."

And God said, "Yes."

"And you made it so that most people would have to struggle
every day, fight against their innate wishes and desires, and
deal with all sorts of losses, grief, disasters, and catastrophes."

And God said, "Yes."

"Yet people worship and adore you. People fight, get arrested,
and cheat each other, and I get blamed, even when it is not my
fault."

And God said, "Uh huh. So?"

"Sure, I'm evil, but give me a break. Can't you do something to
make them stop blaming me?"

And so God created lawyers.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Andrez
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 05:31 PM

And as an afterthought for Folkies, she created Morris Dancers!

:-)

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 06:34 PM

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups,
male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether
computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was
asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 06:35 PM

LOT'S WIFE

The Sunday School teacher was describing how
Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little
Jason interrupted, 'My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,'
he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!'

GOOD SAMARITAN


A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the
roadside, wounded and bleeding, what would you do?'

A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up.'

DID NOAH FISH?

A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the   Ark ?'

'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with just two worms?'

HIGHER POWER


A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning
how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times, but there is a
Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'

One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

MOSES AND THE RED SEA

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.


'Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines
on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of   Egypt . When he
got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then he radioed headquarters for
reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the
Israelites were saved.'

'Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?' his mother asked.

'Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!'

      BEING THANKFUL


A Rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'Your mother says your
prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she
say?'

The little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

       SAY A PRAYER


Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
grandmother's house.   Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer...' said his mother.
'I don't need to,' the boy replied.
'Of course, you do.' his mother insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!'

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:08 PM

This item is in the range of 6-8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes.

It is usually found hung, dangling loosely but ready for instant action. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again, many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, white sticky substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready yet for another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What is it?

A toothbrush.

What were you thinking, pervert!?

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:22 PM

The Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth - but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. To add insult to the injury he did to his wife, he instructed the movers to take everything -- even the curtain rods....

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 04:33 PM

A little boy was sitting on a curb, smoking a cigarette and taking swigs out of a little brandy flask. A respectable woman happened by and was horrified. "Young man," she managed to say, "Why aren't you in school?" "Hell, lady," he said, "I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 07:51 PM

The same little boy walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The barmaid looked down at him and said "Do you want to get me into trouble?"

The lad replied "Cut the sex talk and just give me a beer."



DC

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 07:54 PM

"Randy Horse"

Each day a man walked into his stable to ride his
horse, John. He would call out, "Hey there, John,
old buddy, how's everything today?" and then
bridle his horse.

One day while going through this routine he said,
"Hey there, John..." when, to his surprise, the
horse turned around and interrupted him!

He said, "For months now, you've walked in here
and said, 'Hey there, John, old buddy, how's
everything today?' and I'm tired of it! You never
wait for an answer, and besides, my name is
Randy!"

And with that, the horse took off running!

Shocked, the owner took off after the horse trying
to catch it. Seeing the pursuit, his dog joined the
chase. After a while the man became tired and
stopped to rest at the side of the road. He took
out his handkerchief and wiped his face as his dog,
who had continued the chase, came back also now
breathless, and sat down beside him.

The man wondered aloud, "I've never heard a
horse talk before!"

"Me neither!" said the dog, gasping for air.

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 08:45 PM

Other way around: A respectable family had some plumbers in to take care of some problems, and the little boy listened to their conversation with interest. He repeated some of the words he'd learned, and his mother said indignantly, "Young man, go out and get a switch", to which he replied, "**** you, ma, that's an electrician's job."

*

To make up for that, here is a *pious* joke that will soon be in season:

What did the wise men say to Jesus?
"These are for Christmas *and* your birthday."

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 08:24 PM

I was at the grocery store today, and saw a older lady pushing a grocery cart with a baby in the little seat above her groceries.

"Pretty soon we'll be done, Diploma, and we can go home and I'll give you a nice bath."

"When we get to the checkout, Diploma, I bet we can find a nice piece of candy for you! I bet you'll like that, won't you, Diploma?"

I couldn't resist asking the lady, "That's a beautiful baby, but I'm curious: Why do you call her 'Diploma'?"

She told me, "I sent my daughter to college, and this is what she brought back!"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle Phil
Date: 13 Nov 09 - 06:28 PM

A man looks out his window and sees a city worker digging holes along the side of the road. Soon another city worker shows up and begins filling up the holes. And down the road they go, one worker digging holes and the other worker filling them in. The man goes out and asks the workers just what the hell they are doing. They explain, "Oh, the guy who plants the trees called in sick today,"

Subject: RE: BS: 2nd joke thread of 2009
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Nov 09 - 09:15 PM

"Irishman's Wishes"

An Irishman walking along the beach found
a bottle lying in the sand. He picked it up,
brushed it off, and out popped a genie.

"Since you have freed me from this bottle, I
will grant you three wishes."

The Irishman thought a moment and said,
"I'm feeling a might thirsty. I think I'll wish
for a pint of stout."

And poof! there was a pint of stout in his hand.
He drank it down and started to toss the bottle
away, when the genie said, "Look at that bottle
before you throw it away."

He did and watched as it magically refilled itself
with stout.

"That's a magic bottle. It will refill itself whenever
you empty it. So what are your other wishes?"

The Irishman grinned. "I'll be taking two more of
these!"