BS: When did you loose your virginity?

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 11:50 AM

If the $5000 is in American money, I will first have to visit a bank, leave the motor running, and leave real fast. While many of these ne'er-do-wells have scoffed at and made light of my pitiable condition, the satisfactory resolution of which I can but pray for, I see that one person of an interesting sex has profferred a possible solution, albeit beyond my meagre resources at present. Regarding the "it never hurts to carry a big banana" (chuckle, chuckle) from my friend in Ontario--OK, so it's only 2 3/4", but some girls would probably like it that wide. Alas, I will likely never know. Death, where is thy sting?

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:00 PM

Amos: Shit, I spewed my coffee. I haven't heard "get yer ashes hauled" for a number of years. Out here, it's "get yer oil changed". Good one. Still laughin' about it. The joke, not the condition.

OK, I'll bite: I too want to know what it feels like to have a stampede of swallows fly out my ass.

Where is the compassion for which the 'cat is known? Why will Little Hawk release but one doll? I'm 56. I need this resolved before I die.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:03 PM

Hey, brucie, don't go out on a limb for me, no matter WHAT it's width! Hang in there (or on there). There is an old saying that there is a someone for everyone...look at William Shatner.

My offer stands, but the foreign exchange rate isn't in your favour. Better try to settle this on your own turf..xx..e

(PS-Come on, guys, don't be stingy with your sisters...at least tell them that he loves cats.)

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: GUEST,Bill Clinton
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:08 PM

Brucie, I FEEL your pain! In fact, I got so upset about your plight that I posted to the wrong thread a minute ago. I hope you resolve this soon.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:08 PM

BRucie:

Ya pays yore money, an' you takes yer cherce. The options so far seem to be:

1. Ellenpoly -- $5000 plus plane fare
2. Local carrier -- Hell, I don't know -- maybe $100?
3. Local DIY Remedies: Various depending on the price of Dial or hamburger. Say, $3.00?
4. Normal hetero ramp-up including dating, biting tongue, bending over backwards, pulling hair out, French kissing and eventual culmination: average $3800.

All estimates in Canadian dollars.

Price of therapy needed as sequel to various choices from above list not included.

A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:09 PM

Hey, I have a nine inch tongue and I can hold my breath for thirty-seven minutes. You guys, listen to the nice lady above.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:09 PM

There's a certain low moral tone creeping into this thread, [and I like it!] Then again the title of the thread isn't exactly highbrow.
John

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:12 PM

Ellenpoly,

Do you seriously believe that after 4 decades of Feminism that any of the thoughtful, sensitive, woman-affirming men here at the Mudcat would even think of offering the women in their lives for sex?

Where's the Mudcat women (other than your kind offer - and hell, I'm looking into raising $5,000 for myself)?

Brucie - check out local AA meetings. There's something that's called the 13th step you might like.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:15 PM

The perfect lady's man: A man with a nine inch tonuge who can breathe through his ears.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:16 PM

LOL you guys. About the hamburger . . . .

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:25 PM

Blackcatter, of course you're right, the feminists in the world might take a dim view of my offering up other catter's wimmin, but then again, being a feminist myself, I thought my suggestion was an enlightened one...providing one of you had your sister's agreement, were not planning on cutting them out of the $5,000, and were ready to admit that the only thing holding you back from telling them that brucie loved cats was jealousy over his 9 inch tongue.

Oh, and um, brucie...for YOU, I'd make it $4,999..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:31 PM

We need to create a folk music dating service.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:36 PM

pedantic point: Mary herself was the immaculate conception, not Jesus.

And that's all I'm saying on this thread - my ma reads these threads and I would hate her to think I'm anything other than pure as the driven snow...
In fact, I'm quite sure I don't know what you're all talking about...

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:37 PM

But you don't understand, my dear, the only way I could possibly post such nonsense it in the safe knowledge that most of you are on the other side of the world..xx..e
(PS-Anyway, my prices go up if the proximity is any closer.)

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:43 PM

Remember that bestiality killed the cat.

Also remember that cats have very sharp claws.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:47 PM

There's some complex math there -- when the proximity goes negative the price stabilizes at its last agreed point (since negotiation is moot at that point) but at all incrememnts of distance down to zero the price goes up proportionally to the inverse of distance times the inverse of the affinity factor. Bat your eyes and the price goes down. Up to a point, anyway... :>)

A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Ellenpoly
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:52 PM

Ah, Amos, for you...a lot more for giving me a headache (as in, "not tonight,dear") reading your post..xx..e

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: GUEST,Martin Gibson
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 12:56 PM

This thread has turned into a fever for beaver.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:01 PM

Ellen:

You're the one who introduced complex co-dependent variables into the equation!! I was suggesting a fixed-fee provider!! SImplifies the book keeping, and no residuals!

A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:04 PM

Martin Gibson: I AM CANADIAN. BEAVER IS OUR NATIONAL ANIMAL. GOD, I LOVE THIS COUNTRY.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: kendall
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:12 PM

Ellenpoly, don't forget, some of us don't STAY on the far side of the Atlantic!

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: GUEST,Hillbilly Bob
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:17 PM

Ah likes to keep mah sisters for mahselves.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:19 PM

That's right Billy Bob. She ain't good enuf fer her own family, she ain't good enuf fer me.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:19 PM

ROFL Fibs! You shouldn't be trying to fool yourself... ;)

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:31 PM

If I weren't a gentleman Fibs, I'd remind you of your little new year 'mistake'!
John

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 01:50 PM

Who's Fibs?

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:34 PM

brucie, I have a couple of cats you may be interested in..

my old cat Baxter (15, scrawny, cranky, and three legged, has been known to hiss when feeling grumpy)

and socksy - feral, beats up other cats, lives in our back yard, has never let a human come near it, apart from dropping off the food, totally self interested..

..

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:39 PM

Brucie:

I have known a couple of ladies similar to the cats described above, and all I can say is I would take a pass if i were you...the initial outlay may be cheap but the repairts are horrendous.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:40 PM

You've known a 15 year old three legged woman that hisses when grumpy?

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:44 PM

Scrawny, cranky, hisses when grumpy and acts as though she were missing a leg, yes... :>))

A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:48 PM

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 02:51 PM

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, come and see your uncle brucie.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: GUEST,Felina Magnifica
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:14 PM

Are you sure you're quite ready for this, Bruce ? I promise to be gentle with you.

Felina Magnifica at your service, Sir.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:26 PM

OUCH. I LOVE CATS. I LOVE CATS. I love CATS. i LOve cats. Love those cats. Love those cats.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:27 PM

I gotta go round up a pussy, right now. Hee Haw.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:28 PM

Meant to say posse.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:30 PM

This virginity thing is driving you right plumb out of reason, there, Bruce. Deep breaths, cold showers, I always say.

A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 03:37 PM

There was a student in an all-boy class who put his hand up in answer to the question, "How many times a year do you have sex?" The teacher ignored his waving hand. Several other guys answered with things like 'once a week', 'twice a day', 'five times a month.' That fellow was still waving his hand and making noises. Finally, the teacher said, "Yes, Amos, tell us, please do." Amos replied, "Just once." When the class finally stopped laughing, the teacher inquired as to what he was so excited about. Amos said, "Tonight's the night!"

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 04:20 PM

I'll never forget my first date

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: GUEST,Chongo Chimp
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 04:52 PM

Kree-Gah!!! Chongo bundolo tarmangani cross-dresser! Rak!

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Fibula Mattock
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:02 PM

(I'm Fibs, brucie.)
Dammit John-Giok, I'd forgotten I ever mentioned that little mishap! Still, if I can't remember it and he can't remember it, it probably never happened...

As for you Nathan, it's WAY too late for you to claim innocence!

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:10 PM

Thank you, Fibula Mattock, whom I shall now call Fibs.

BM

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:11 PM

And Bwucie, if you're gonna start sticking names into ole jokes, I think I can find a few that might explain your predicament, but I'm not that kind of guy...


A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amergin
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:12 PM

Well I have no idea what you're talking about, I am as innocent as an unborn babe..

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: freda underhill
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:29 PM

i lost my virginity (actually) when i was 15.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 06:35 PM

Gawd, Amos, if you're old enough to remember that one, we are probably near the same age. My condolences.

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Amos
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 07:41 PM

I commiserate with you, Bruce. But at least I had an answer to the thread question! :>)


A

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Peace
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 07:42 PM

LMAO and crying on the floor

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Blowzabella
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 08:08 PM

I was 17, and I was on the pill and they were made in Maidenhaed!!!   That always struck me as ironic....

Subject: RE: BS: When did you loose your virginity?
From: Blackcatter
Date: 26 Mar 04 - 09:05 PM

That's actually just an interesting coincidence.

Now, not being able to find a single virgin in Maidenhead would be ironic.