Second Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:31 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

This is to continue the First Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:42 AM

... and now when I want to start this thread with a joke I cannot remember any new one. What a pity. I am so sorry.

Maybe an old one will do:

Abel had children, Kain had none.
Why not?
Kain wasn't Abel.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:24 AM

Okay, to get tis thread rolling, a joke whipped from another site

Three Little Pigs - "Family" Style   

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw his body into the lake, then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:28 AM

Sheeple or Peeps ? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=444436

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 12:09 PM

_Quiet Desperation_

Middle age lady sitting on a park bench is joined by a stranger. They exchange some small talk-he mentions that he used to live in this town years ago. She: Oh, where have you been living?
He: I've been in prison.
She: Why were you in prison?
He: I murdered my wife.
She: "Oh, so you're single?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 09:05 PM

What did the ocean say to the sand?

Stop being such a be-ach!

(My son Tim, aged 11)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:37 PM

Seaweed.
Wet Sand.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 01:12 PM

Red Rory o' th' Glen

The story is told of the English Regiment marching through the Highlands of Scotland (when English Regiments were wont to do such). As they passed through a very narrow defile, a voice mocked them from above.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen," the voice called. "And I challenge you! Send up your best man."

The Colonel of the Regiment looked up to the hilltop and beheld the BIGGEST Scot he had ever seen. His kilt-girthed form must have stood 7 foot and the Claymore in his hand would dwarf most men.

Again the challenge echoed across the hills. "I'm Red Rory of the Glen and I challenge you! If anyone amongst you would dare to call himself 'Champion', then send him up!"

The Colonel, unwilling to let this challenge to the flower of English Soldiery pass unanswered, called over his Adjunct. "Major," he seethed, "send up the Regiment's champion. I want this Scot's head!"

And so the Champion went forth. Up the hill he strode, confidence in every step, to do battle with this Challenger. The Challenger roared his mirth and stepped over the crest, out of site; the Champion followed. Soon the sounds of battle rolled over the hill and the Regiment waited. And then, THUMP Thump thump.... A head! Rolling down the hill came a head. And then, from the hilltop, came the rumble of the Challenger's laughter. "I'm Red Rory of the Glen! Again I challenge you! Send up your best Squad!"

"Major," shouted the Colonel! "This cannot be stood! Send up the best Squad." Up the hill forged the Squad, then over the crest to face the Challenger. Soon the sounds of battle were heard again and then THUMP THUMP THUMP Thump Thump thump! The heads of the squad came rolling down the hill.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen," came the voice, "and I challenge you! Send up your best company!"

Rage contorted the Colonel's face as he screamed, "Major! Send up Company C. I want that man's head and I want it now!" "Yes, sir," was the only response, and soon Company C was advancing up the hill. Again, from over the crest, came the sounds of terrible battle but this time, floating above them, came the sound of the Challenger's laughter!

Slowly, the sounds of battle died away but still the laughter continued. And then, from the top of the hill, came an avalanche of heads to pile up around the Colonel's feet.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen, and I challenge you! I have beaten the best you have to send, now come yourself!"

"Major," said the Colonel, his rage now turned icy cold. "Take the Regiment up that hill and destroy him! I don't want anyone to return without his head!"

So, in good form, the Regiment marched up the hill and out of the sight of the Colonel waiting at the bottom of the hill. This time the battle raged for hours. Then as the sun sank into the hills, the Adjunct came hurtling down the hill, his uniform disarrayed and splattered with blood. His eyes spoke books of terror. "Colonel," he screamed, his terror edging his voice with panic, "RUN, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:08 PM

One of my favorites:

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,"Giorgio- Beverly Hills, $200 an ounce!"

Next, another beauty gets on & also has an expensive aroma.She turns arrogantly to the poor old woman and says, "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old woman is about to get off the elevator. She looks at both women,bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart.

She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 89 cents a pound."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 11:00 PM

So, those Neanderthals -

-were they all Jewish?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 03:09 AM

A blonde with her Volkswagen stops on the autobahn, opens the bonnet and starts crying.
Another blonde with a Volkswagen stops also coming to help.
"What's the matter, dear?"
"Look at my bonnet - I've lost my motor!"
"Don't despair, I have a spare one in my boot."

For Americans: Bonnet = hood, boot = trunk

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 07:00 PM

Late Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show:

Old lady walking home from her job in the garment district, approaching her is a young man in a a raincoat. A few feet from her he flashes himself - as he passes she says "Lousy Lining."


Buxom blonde sidles up to a fellow in a bar, she whispers in his ear "I'll do anything for you for a hundred dollars." His reply: "Paint my house."

His delivery made everything funnier!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 08:28 AM

This one I brought from North Africa. It shows the different effects of the drugs.

Three addicts come back in the night to their home town and find the gate closed.
"Let's lie down and sleep until the gate is opened in the morning" says the opium eater.
"No, lets's smash the gate and go in" says the drunkard.
And the hashish smoker: "Why don't we simply slip through the keyhole?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,sinky
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 09:34 AM

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her left thigh,if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 01:31 PM

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"

"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Balls.'"

"Oh. You know anything else?"

The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.

"It's called 'Would ya check out the tits on that one!'"

"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."

So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.

"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"

"Know it?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:35 AM

George Bush is not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 09:22 AM

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50 and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA [Health Insurance]."

RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 02:32 PM

there was this Dog convention ready start, like the one that they have in Geneva, every breed of Dog attended it,there was over a hundred thousand attending. As the Dogs were walking in, they would take off their Tail's and hang them on a hook and leave them there, then they would go into the big Hall to take their seats. An hour into the convention the fire alarm went off. every Dog got up out of their seats and made a run for the entrance door, as they were going out they just grabbed any tail they could get their paws on, they all got out saftly, and it was just a hoax, there was no fire. But they all got their tails mixed-up and had to put on the one's that they had grabbed going out. And that is why that when you see a Dog sniffing another Dogs Ass, he is not really, he is looking for his Tail.   Sniff Sniff Sniff no thats not mine.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 06:25 PM

There's a song about this that puts it very well.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 09:32 AM

Sounds like a banjo joke recycled but this was in Jazz UK this month:
Guy left his car unlocked with trombone in it. Realising his mistake he rushed back- car was gone but 'bone and case neatly deposited on pavement (sidewalk).

RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 05:25 PM

The Cardiologist's Funeral......

A cardiologist died, and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 03:28 AM

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.






       "REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE

       IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"


RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 12:15 PM

In that vein...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 03:20 PM

"A Problem With Bicycle Mittens"

I have a pair of "lobster claws"; thickish bicycle gloves
which hold my index and middle fingers in one sleeve,
and my pinky and ring finger in a second. This keeps
all my fingers warmer.

However, my daughter asked how I could bike in
these gloves.

I explained to her that you don't really need much
manual dexterity to ride a bicycle.

The sweet little thing that she is, she said,

"But what do you do if a driver cuts you off?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 09:48 AM

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 05:42 PM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 11:52 AM

One for the scientists.

A Maths (short for mathematicS) lecturer begins thus,

"As you all know,a plus and a plus can never equal a minus,"

At which a weary and cynical voice pipes up,

    "Yeeeaaah,yeeaah."






       Ivor

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 03:07 PM

Simple

Knock, knock

"Who's There"

"Avon, your doorbells broken"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 03:09 PM

Two old ladies sat on a park bench, when a man stood infront of them and flashed

One had a stroke, the other couldnt reach

Subject: Lyr Add: THE DOGS' PARTY
From: Schantieman
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 01:39 PM

"There's a song about this that puts it very well. "

It's a Rugby song and appears in 'Forty Years On' by Alan Bennett. I sang it in a production of this great play when in the Sixth Form back in 1976, would you believe?...

The tune is the (not very) well-known hymn, "The Church's One Foundation"

The dogs, they had a party, they came from near and far;
And some dogs came by aeroplane, and some dogs came by car.
They came into the courtroom, they signed the vis'tors' book
And each dog took his arsehole and hung it on a hook.

The dogs they were all seated: each mother, son and sire
When a dirty little mongrel stood up and shouted, "Fire!"
The dogs were in a panic - they had no time to look
And each dog took an arsehole from off the nearest hook.

dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, dum dum de dum dum dum....
dum dum dum dum dum dum...dum dum dum de dum dum dum...
And that, is is the reason dum dum de dum de down
To sniff each other's arsehole in the hope it is his own.


I'm impresed that I can remember that much of it 33 years on but does anyone know the rest of it?

Steve

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 01:40 PM

impressed, even

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 02:05 PM

I remember a 70s cartoonin Private Eye.

A woman on a park bench faces the artist.

Facing her is a bloke holding his coat open,flashing.

She has a weary look on her face,and she says,

"Oh,not THAT old cliche."






      Ivor

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bainbo
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 03:21 PM

"does anyone know the rest of it?

And that's the reason why, sir, when walking down the street,
And that's the reason why, sir, when doggies chance to meet,
And that's the reason why, sir, on land, or, sea, or foam
Each dog will sniff another's arsehole in the hope it is his own.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 04:22 PM

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher :

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing
a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten.Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered inyucky stuff that they all
said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 04:48 PM

Kids are great aren't they.... my favourite from the classroom was the kid who wrote:-
Christopher Columbus circumcised the world with a 90ft clipper.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Nancy King at work
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 08:55 PM

Dave O -- LOL! What a great story!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 09:56 PM

A tender-hearted sixth grade girl who had been waiting for a school bus saw a cat who was injured and bleeding. She gathered up the poor thing in her coat and brought it to school and straight to my classroom. Her sympathetic friends gathered around her as she prepared to show me the cat so that I could work my magic and help the poor thing. When she unwrapped the cat,............three kittens! And two more came shortly. Everyone in that classroom, including me, were dumbfounded. Needless to say, there was a lengthly discussion in science class followed by many discussions in several homes that night. Even the most worldly and wise kids in that class were taken totally off guard.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 01:38 AM

On kids,

A freind was at playschool, when her 3yr old saw someone breast feeding, on meing told that he used to be fed like that he thought a while

When you was a cow mummy

Excellent reasoning :)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 05:26 AM

Bill & Ben were in a pub, Bill said to the Barman "Flobalob libble Weeb",

Ben said "Don't mind him mate, he always acts like this when he's had a few jars."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 10:56 AM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers. Makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.....


Her First Paycheck

A young family moved into a house, next door was a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl proudly took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking dry wall....."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 07:50 PM

Three Scottish women in Inverness, in the highlands of Scotland, were fed up of being left alone every weekend while their menfolk went out drinking. They decided that they, too, would go out drinking together on Saturday night. As they lurched back at two in the morning, on a lonely road on the edge of town, they heard a strange noise, and stopped. It was a Scotsman, in full Highland dress, who was lying snoring in a ditch into which he had fallen, drunkenly.
    "Oh! My word," said one woman. "Do you think he's one of ours?"
    "How could we tell?" said another. "He's covered in mud and unrecognisable!"
    "Well," says the third. "Just get down in the ditch, and look up his kilt!"
    So the first one gets down in the ditch, and looks up his kilt, then returns.
    "Och, no!" she says "That's no my Angus. I'd know him anywhere! Why don't you have a look too, Jeannie?"
    So Jeannie goes and has a look, and comes back.
    "Och, no! That's no my Hamish, that's for sure!"
    So they both turn to Mary, suggesting she check to see if it's her boyfriend, and she gets down in the ditch.
    "Well, Mary, is it him?" they ask.
    "Och, no!" says Mary, indignantly. "He's not even from Inverness!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 02:12 AM

Good One Bubblyrat.

Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer & a mop.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 04:26 AM

One Upmanship

An old Submarine Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the Veterans of Foreign Wars Club arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty Puller, pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we charge the enemy with bayonets".

"Ah," said the Navy Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Lucky ba*d, all shore duty, huh?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 10:43 AM

Nice one, Walrus----once I"d translated it !! Wasn"t Chesty a famous lady with lots of top-hamper and a fair bit of tumblehome ??

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 11:01 AM

Hi! Mickey 191—That reminds me!
A drunken sailor was walking through the Naval Cemetery, and lay down on a tomb to sleep it off. Before he could get to sleep, he heard a strange rattling noise, and sat up, to see a skeleton heading toward the entrance gates. “Hey!” says Jack, “I’m trying to get some sleep here!”
“Gosh, I’m sorry!” says the skeleton. “Only I just got a 48-hour pass and I’m going ashore for the weekend.”
“OK!” says Jack. “Have a great time!”
But, within minutes, Jack hears the rattling noise again, and looks up to see the skeleton hurrying back the way he just came. “What an asshole (arsehole)!” thinks Jack.
Well, do you know, blow me down if poor tired Jack doesn’t get woken up AGAIN by the skeleton, coming back down the path!—but this time, he is carrying a huge gravestone on his shoulder!
“What the F—k is going on?” says Jack.
“Sorry to wake you again!” says the skeleton, “But the pricks on the gangway wouldn’t let me ashore without my ID card!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 01:16 PM

Good one Bubblymouse--You can't be a rat!!

Okay - My cemetery story: Young couple want to have a wee bit of quiet time to do a little necking. They end up in a cemetery. She lays on a tombstone & things get hot and heavy. Next morning she awakens with a terible back pain. Asks her Mom to take a look. Mom examines the back and says: Nothing wrong with your back darlin'-but your ass died in 1899.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 01:52 PM

A topical one: Cartoon of Don Imus being asked Why did you call those champion athletes what you did?

Caption: Imus be an idiot!

(Funnier if you have him answer in Ebonics)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM

Bob, one of the older residents at the Happy Home, has discovered that he has a slight discharge where he doesn't want a discharge, so he makes an appointment with his doctor. After an examination, the doctor asked

"Bob, do you have a girlfriend?" Proudly, Bob answered "Well yes I do, Doc."

"Have you been with her recently" asked the doctor.

"A week ago Sunday" was the pleased answer. Doc advised Bob "I think you just need to go home, you're about to come."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 22 Apr 07 - 06:54 AM

This bloke is getting some cash from a cashpoint.

A little old lady comes up to him and says, "Excuse me! Could you check my balance for me?"

So he pushed her over!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 22 Apr 07 - 09:06 AM

Thanks, Bainbo. That doesn't quite scan - probably a different tune - but that was the gist of it.   I can sleep easy in my bed now!

Steve

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 05:42 AM

A tramp (hobo) gate-crashes a big society party, looking for food. The hostess, a well-known socialite, catches him, and threatens to call the police.
  “Please, ma’am, I haven’t eaten for three days! I don’t want charity either. I can earn some food!” he says.
  “But what on earth could you do?” says she.
  “I could play the piano for you!” comes the reply.
  The hostess thinks for a moment, then decides that the guests might find this amusing, so she agrees. So the man is taken to the instrument, sits down, and starts to play. It soon becomes evident that he is a very accomplished musician, and his music brings forth both tears and cheers from the assembled throng. Amazed, the hostess insists that he will stay, as her guest, and sends for food and wine.
  “I consider myself to be quite knowledgeable about piano music, but I didn’t recognise that piece you played” she says.
  “No!” says the man. “I wrote that myself!”
  “Good heavens!” exclaims the woman. “Not only do you play beautifully, but you compose as well! You should be a rich man!”
  “Tell me about it!” says he. “I have tried to get my work published. I’ve been everywhere—Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York, London—but no publisher will touch me!”
  “But that’s ridiculous!” cries the woman. “I mean, your music is SUPERB! What was that piece that you just played called?”
  “Well” says the man, “That particular piece is called ‘I Love You So Fucking Much I Can’t Shit’”!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: wlisk
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 11:16 AM

An 8-year old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, "Grandpa, what is sex?"


The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she's old enough to know to ask the question, then she's old enough to get a straight answer. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.





Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, "Why did you ask this question honey?"


The little girl replied, "Grandma says that dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 12:17 PM

Two prawns called Colin and Christian were constantly being harassed by sharks. Colin said to Christian "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted". Lo and behold, Colin turned into a large shark. Christian and all of Colin쳌fs old mates swam away from him. They were terrified of being eaten by him.Colin was lonely and grew sad because he had lost all his mates. He went to find the cod. When he found the cod he pleaded to be turned back into a prawn. The cod agreed and Colin was happy again as his old prawn self. Colin set off to find Christian who was hiding in the coral reef. He called out "It's me, Colin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied, "No chance, you're a shark and you'll eat me.

Colin called back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed 쳌c쳌c. I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 23 Apr 07 - 03:40 PM

A little girl says to her Grandad, "Grampy? Can you make a noise like a frog?"

The Old Man asks why she wants to know

She replies, "Daddy says when you croak we can afford to go to Disney World"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 09:39 AM

"The Michigan Dilemma"
An Analogy Using A Canoe Race

A Japanese company (Toyota ) and an American company
(General Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the
Missouri River . Both teams practiced long and hard to
reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

The Americans, very discouraged and depressed,
decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat.
A management team made up of senior management
was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate
action.

Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people
rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team
had 8 people steering and 1 person rowing.

Feeling a deeper study was in order, American management
hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount
of money for a second opinion. They advised, of course,
that too many people were steering the boat, while not
enough people were rowing.

Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to
prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's
management structure was totally reorganized to 4
steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents
and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.

They also implemented a new performance system that
would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive
to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality
First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens
for the rower. There was discussion of getting new
paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation
days for practices and bonuses.

The next year the Japanese won by TWO miles.

Humiliated, the American management laid off the
rower for poor performance, halted development of a
new canoe, sold the paddles, and canceled all capital
investments for new equipment. The money saved was
distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses and the
next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.

The End

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 09:45 AM

Sequel to Bubblyrat's pianist story.

"Ah but don't you see" exclaims the woman, "That's the problem!"

The pianist gazes at her in confusion "What do you mean?" he enquires.

"The title is too long - it has to be short and catchy. If I were you, I would call it "I can't shit."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Nick
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 06:24 PM

Two flys are sitting on a piece of Shit. One of them farts. The other say "Do You Mind! I'm Trying To Eat Here!"



A young Indian brave comes to his father and asks "Father how is that you came up with my brother and sister's names?"

"On the night your sister was born, I left the teepee and the first thing I saw was the moon shining over the lake, so I named her Silver Waters. On the day your brother was born I left the teepee and the fist thing I saw was a male deer, so I named your brother Rnnning Buck...
Why do you ask Two Dogs Fucking?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Fergie
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 07:55 PM

Q. What is the name of the Irish bodyguard?

A. Liam Malone

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:00 PM

Fergie, I don't get it.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:18 PM

Uncle Dave O

To get some of these, you have to say them out loud, and let your ear "get the joke" - of course if you don't use the right accent...

This is a bit like the "whale oil beef hooked" game... :-)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:41 PM

Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
    “Who the hell are you?” demanded Dave, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”
    The mysterious man answered, “This isn’t your bedroom, and I’m St Peter.”
    Dave was stunned. “You mean I’m dead! That can’t be! I have so much to live for! I haven’t said goodbye to my family. You’ve got to send me back straight away.”
    St Peter replied, “Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.”
    Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
    A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.
    “This ain’t so bad,” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
    The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, “So you’re the new hen. How are you enjoying your first day here?”
    “It’s not so bad,” replies Dave, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.”
    “You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.”
    “Never,” replies Dave.
    “Well, just relax and let it happen.”
    And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him...ever!
    The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
    “Dave! Wake up, you drunken bastard! You’ve shit the bed!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:42 PM

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman
standing alone. He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like
most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:44 PM

President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics.
He said that,

"Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:45 PM

As he lay in bed the phone suddenly rang. He listened and then shouted down the phone "How should I know, I'm not a weather man!" then slammed the phone down.

"Who was that" his wife asked? "No idea," he said. "Some idiot asking if the coast was clear".

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Beer
Date: 24 Apr 07 - 08:48 PM

Best Short Scottish Joke

    A guy walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,

      "Excuse me Miss, day ye hav any books on suicide?"


       Looking over the top of her glasses, she stops doing her tasks and
       says, "Fauk off, ye'll no brring it back!"

   That's enough from me.
Beer

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 08:42 AM

"Three Men, A Chicken, And A Cow"

There were three men traveling together, a priest,
a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late
and they needed to find a place to sleep.

They came across this farm and they asked the
farmer there if they could spend the night. He said,
“That’s fine but my guest room is only big enough
for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the
barn.”

The priest said, “I don't mind sleeping with God's
creatures, I will take the barn.” So they all agreed
and went to their rooms.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room
door and there stood the priest. “There is a chicken in
there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to
have to sleep in the guest room.”

“That's ok,” said the farmer, “I'll sleep in the barn, after
all, I'm used to it.” So they all agreed and traded places.

About an hour later there was a knock at the guest
room door and there stood the farmer. “I can't stand
the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry
but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room.”

“Well, I guess that leaves me,” said the lawyer. So
he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later
there is a knock at the guest room door and there
stand the chicken and the cow....

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Den
Date: 25 Apr 07 - 10:14 AM

Fergie and Beer, brilliant stuff you had me in tears. Here's a couple along the lines of Fergie's.
What do you call an Irish guy with a bow and arrow?
Eamonn
What do you call an Irish guy who steals your beer?
Nick McGuinness
What do you call an Irish guy who hangs from the ceiling?
Sean DeLear
What do you call an Irish guy who bounces off walls?
Rick O'Shea

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pilgrim
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 03:20 AM

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the
penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch; and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less; and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to f*** off.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick.



The moral of the story - Pay your bills

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 10:55 AM

A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the Annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your Business Role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.""Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?""Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish,"Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 26 Apr 07 - 08:02 PM

A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift.  The surgeon told her of a new procedure called "The Knob" where a small knob is  placed on the back of her head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift.  Of course the woman wanted the knob.
 
Over the years the woman used the knob and the effects were wonderful.  After about fifteen years she returned to the surgeon with two problems.  She told him everything has been good over the years till now.  I've developed these terrible bags under my eyes for one and the knob won't work to get rid of them.  The doctor looked at them and said those aren't bags, those are your breasts.
 
She said "Well I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 12:17 PM

SOUTHERN GRANDMA

   Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer. In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

   He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

   The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

   She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him."

   The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send your ass to the electric chair."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 12:19 PM

BUSINESS NEWS:

News from Apple Computer :)

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

    This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 04:56 PM

Four Catholic Mothers

       Four Catholic mothers were having coffee together and discussing how wonderful their children were. The first mother told her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him Father."

    The second Catholic woman chirped, "Well, my son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace."

    The third Catholic woman said smugly. "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence."

    The fourth Catholic woman sipped her coffee in silence. The first three women gave her a subtle "Well....?"

    She replied, "My son is a handsome, 6 foot 8 inch, hard-bodied Chippendale stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, every woman there says, "Oh, My God!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Apr 07 - 05:04 PM

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad." With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter:
                           

Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm fifteen, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
            
Love, Your Son, John

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.
         
            I love you.
            
            Call me when it's safe to come home.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 29 Apr 07 - 03:38 AM

A new vicar arrived in town, and was settling down in the vicarage. One morning, there was a knock at the door. It was a window cleaner, looking for business. “Oh! Yes! Great!” said the vicar. “The Bishop will be calling round later to see how I’m getting on. He’s bound to be impressed!”
    So the window-cleaner gets to work, and it takes some time, as the vicarage is quite large. Eventually, he reaches the last window, a little round one high up in the roof. As he looks through the glass, he is amazed to see the vicar, sitting naked in front of his PC, watching a porno film and masturbating! Climbing back down his ladder, he rings the doorbell, and, after a delay, a rather breathless vicar appears. “I’ve finished, Reverend,” he says. “Good man,” says the vicar. “How much do I owe you?”
    “Five hundred pounds!” says the window-cleaner!
    “Don’t be ridiculous!” says His Reverence. “I’m not paying that!”
    “OK !” says the cleaner, “but I wonder what your new parishioners will say if I tell them what you get up to in that little room upstairs?” So the vicar pays up!
    Later that day, the Bishop arrives.
    “Hello!” he says -”Settling in all right, are we? I must say, the vicarage looks very clean. The windows look spotless! It’s so difficult to find a good window-cleaner these days. How much did yours charge you?”
    “Five hundred pounds!” says the vicar.
    “Five hundred pounds!” exclaims the Bishop. “He must have seen you coming!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Apr 07 - 08:55 PM

The proctologist said to the patient

"Hpw many fingers am I holding up?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 01 May 07 - 07:36 PM

The Blind Rabbit and the Blind Snake

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, ker-plop right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh please excuse me. " said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I"m blind and can't see."

"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake.
"To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, ;and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"

Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out." So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose You must be a bunny rabbit!"

The bunny said, "I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?" The snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?" The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're soft, you're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't got any balls...You must be a politician."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 May 07 - 08:32 AM

Cousin Elly is the world's worst at getting instructions
mixed up. When she got married her husband bought
her one of those fancy, electric coffee makers. It had
all the latest gadgets on it.

Salesman Riley carefully explained how everything
worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go back to
bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready."

A few weeks later Elly was back in the store and
Riley asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "However, there's one thing
I don't understand. Why do I have to go to bed every
time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 May 07 - 12:08 PM

Maybe not a joke, but pretty funny nonetheless - my twins were being vaccinated against some particularly virulent strain of meningitis, and one asked the doctor exactly what they were being vaccinated against. "Meningococcus bacteria" answers the doc. Instantly, Tim turns to me and says, um, ninja cock what?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 09 May 07 - 05:25 PM

From a newsletter just received. This one is FOR REAL.

Without comment:

Windows or Linux: The Battle Rages On
Video by Microsoft
Download your free video now!

Almost certainly an unbiased evaluation important to all computer users and professionals.

(The link is to a page where the video can be downloaded - not directly to the video.)

Sorry, but I found it funny.

John

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 13 May 07 - 07:30 AM

there was a bomb went off in my street, and left a big hole in the ground, police are looking into it.

burglars went into a police station and stole their dogs, police say they have got a few leads

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 13 May 07 - 08:25 AM

Somebody stole the toilet from the local Police station - the police say they have nothing to go on...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 May 07 - 07:30 PM

MaizeMammograms
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast in door. Shut the door as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE TWO:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat with the other breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out there........

MENtal illness,
MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?......... And
When we have real trouble it's
HISterectomy!!!!

Send this to all women to have a laugh AND, don't forget to have a mammogram!!!!!!

A Friend Is Like A Good Bra...
Hard to Find
Supportive
Comfortable
Always Lifts You Up
Never Lets You Down or Leaves You Hanging
And Is Always Close To Your Heart!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 May 07 - 10:28 AM

So Bush is out jogging, and at one point is in the road and a truck the Secret Service didn't re-route is bearing down on him. At the last second, some schoolchildren run out, grab Bush and haul him to safety. Bush is very pleased and says to the children, well, I'm the President of the United States, the most powerful man in the world, and I can get you anything you want as a reward. What would you like? the children look at each other, and say We want a plot apiece at National Cemetary. Bush is surprised, and asks them why that is what they want. Well, say the kids, when our parents find out what we just did... they're gonna kill us!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 May 07 - 07:18 PM

For UK readers really - I went into the new St Pancras Station Ticket Office.

"Do you do tickets to Paris?"

"Eurostar?"

"Well that's very kind - hear me appearance opn the radio did you?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 14 May 07 - 08:23 PM

Good one Folkiedave - us Aussies get most of dem dere Brit Jokes...

(tug forelock, run away...)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: JennyO
Date: 14 May 07 - 11:10 PM

Here's the Oz version of an oldie but a goodie - seems apt after a budget full of handouts and with an election looming and all....


While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says Saint Peter, "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a good Christian; I'm a believer," says the PM.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But I've already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," replies Howard.

"I'm sorry ... But we have our rules," Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down ... All the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course.The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house. Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years --- Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, etc. The whole of the Liberal Party leaders were there .... Everyone laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of 'suckers and peasants.' They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a frosty drink, "Have a tequila and relax, John!"

"Uh, I can't drink anymore, I took a pledge," says Howard, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!"

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps on the elevator and heads upward. When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or bad joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn't see anybody he knows and he isn't even treated like someone special! "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself. "Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!"

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, "Well, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Deal or No Deal' theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute ... Then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all - but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, kind of like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags.

They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers a shocked John, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Steve
Date: 15 May 07 - 03:36 AM

There's a world famous actress who wore the same coat in all of her films. Know who she is?















Lassie!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:36 AM

... and what about Trigger?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 May 07 - 07:43 AM

Wasn't his trigger a bit short?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 15 May 07 - 02:06 PM

Lassie was a boy...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 15 May 07 - 08:55 PM

Wasn't his trigger a bit short too?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 16 May 07 - 02:45 AM

Trigger, Roy Rogers' horse - not what you might be thinking of

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:33 AM

Oooooo, you naughty boy - how do you know what I might be thinking of unless you have already thought it?

:-P

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Folkiedave
Date: 16 May 07 - 11:29 AM

Two women chatting and one confesses her husband has a problem.

When pressed she admits it is a "man's" problem.

When pressed even further she admits it is a problem of premature ejaculation.

Her friends asks if it is really serious with him.

It is indeed says her mate - it's touch and go.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 07 - 12:31 PM

Touch and '''''go''''......go??

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 16 May 07 - 12:49 PM

Besides, it's not him that suffers from it, it's his wife. :)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 07 - 04:45 PM

"Stairway to Heaven"

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way
to Heaven. St Peter told them that the stairway to Heaven
was 1,000 steps, and that on every 5th step he would tell
them a joke.

He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the
way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven.

The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th
step, so she could not enter Heaven.

The redhead went next and started laughing on the 100th
step, so she could not enter Heaven either.

Then, it was the blonde's turn. Step 5 joke had no impact;
she didn't even crack a smile. The same with step 10,
step 15, and 20, all the way up to step 750.

On step 755 she grinned a little, but quickly got under
control.

All was well until she got to the 999th step.

All of a sudden she started laughing, uncontrollably.

"Why are you laughing?" St. Peter asked. "I didn't even tell
a joke."

"I know, I know," the blonde replied. "But I just got that
first joke!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:11 PM

Two men were castaways on a small island having been shipwrecked. The island was inhabited by women only and they were told to leave imediately. They pleaded for their lives basically and the elders of the women discussed it in private and came up with a solution. The solution to be in two parts..the first part was:-
"If you each go into the forest or along the beaches and collect 100 fruit, we will let you stay...no more or no less than 100 will do"
So off they went, the first man coming back just an hour later with what he said was 100 grapes.
"The second part " said the queen..."is that I am to push all the fruit up your backside...and you must not laugh or you will have to go".
The first man bent forward and the queen started to push the grapes, one by one, up his backside.....ten...twenty .......fifty....sixty......90....95...96 ....97....98....99 and he burst out laughing uncontrollably.
"That's it" said the queen "you will have to go now but why did you laugh"?
He said "I just saw my friend coming back with 100 coconuts"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Leadfingers
Date: 16 May 07 - 05:17 PM

100

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 May 07 - 06:48 PM

Florida Seniors

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida adult community.

A man walked over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were you all these years?"

"In prison," he says.

"Why did they put you in prison?"

He looked at her, and very quietly said, "I killed my wife."

"Oh!" said the woman. "So you're single..."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Another two elderly people living in Clearwater Assisted Living, he was a widower and she a widow, had known each other for a number of years. One evening there was a community supper in the big arena in the Clubhouse.

The two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal
went on, he took a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered th
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"

After about six seconds of 'careful consideration', she answered "Yes.
Yes, I will!"

The meal ended and, with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their respective places.

Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he might, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.

First, he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he inquired, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *


A little old man shuffled slowly into the "Orange Dipper", an ice cream parlor in Leesburg, and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.

After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "arthritis."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 May 07 - 02:54 PM

I heard that one with a stutterer and the answer was N-n-n-n-o - sh-sh-sh-shellshock! (Dates it, eh?)

How does the man in the moon get a haircut?

Eclipse it!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 07 - 05:16 PM

News from Apple Computer :)

    Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play music in women's breast implants. The iBreast will cost between $499 and $599.

    This is a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!!!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 24 May 07 - 08:33 PM

wHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK GUY

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 24 May 07 - 08:38 PM

Sorry, the last post 'went off half cocked', it should have read:-


What do you call a black man flying a fighter aeroplane?





V





V






V






V






A pilot, of course! Are you some sort of racist?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 May 07 - 09:49 PM

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

    The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some
embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there
is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the
problem further with the doctor in private."

    The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full
of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

    The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered.

    The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

    "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

    "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

    "I can't piss out of it," the man replied.

    The doctor's office erupted in laughter.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:32 AM

"New York Cabbie"

A well dressed businessman got into a Manhattan cab
and asked to be taken to LaGuardia. While stuck in the
traffic jam, the businessman leaned forward and said,
"How's your spirit of adventure?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I have to be in Chicago for a meeting, but the
thought of flying there just bores me to tears. Why not
drive me there? The meeting is only an hour. I'll pay the
gas, tolls, your hotel room, meals, and then you can
drive me back tomorrow."

The driver said, "Sure, why not?" and off they went.

They motored through Jersey, Pennsylvania, Ohio, Indiana,
and finally into Chicago. The businessman did his meeting
(while the cabbie waited) came out, got back into the cab
and they took off to the hotel. They shared a huge meal, the
businessman paid for two rooms. The next morning, they
took off back towards Manhattan. When they arrived, the
meter read $4,632.85.

When they got back to the businessman's office, the man
told the cabbie, "Let me go in the bank here and I'll get you
a certified check. I'll make it for $5,000 so you'll get a
sizable tip for your trouble."

"Great," the cab driver said, "Thanks."

"One last thing. When I give you the check, I'd like you to
drive me home, please."

"Where's that?"

"Brooklyn."

"No way!!! I'd have to drive back over the bridge without
a passenger!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 25 May 07 - 07:46 AM

This thread to be continued with the Third Joke Thread for 2007

Thanks for the contributions s far, make haste and don't tarry to contribute further there.