Second Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:31 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

This is to continue the First Joke Thread for 2007

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 04:42 AM

... and now when I want to start this thread with a joke I cannot remember any new one. What a pity. I am so sorry.

Maybe an old one will do:

Abel had children, Kain had none.
Why not?
Kain wasn't Abel.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:24 AM

Okay, to get tis thread rolling, a joke whipped from another site

Three Little Pigs - "Family" Style   

Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The straw pig, the stick pig and the brick pig. One day this nasty old wolf came up to the straw pig's house and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig went running over to the stick pig's house and said, "Please let me in, the wolf just blew down my house." So the stick Pig let the straw pig in. Just then the wolf showed up and said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." And he did !!!

So the straw pig and the stick pig went running over to the brick pig's house and said, "Let us in, let us in, the big bad wolf just blew our houses down!"
So the brick pig let them in just as the wolf showed up. The wolf said, "I'm gonna huff and puff and blow your house down." The straw pig and the stick pig were so scared! But the brick pig picked up the phone and made a call.

A few minutes passed and a big, black Caddy pulls up. Out step two massive pigs in pin striped suits and fedora hats. These pigs come over to the wolf, grab him by the neck and beat the living crap out of him. Then one of them pulled out a gun, stuck it in his mouth and fired, killing the wolf. Then they tied cement blocks around his feet, threw his body into the lake, then got back into their Caddy and drove off.

The straw pig and stick pig were amazed!!! "Who the hell were those guys?" they asked. "Those were my cousins... the Guinea Pigs."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:28 AM

Sheeple or Peeps ? http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=444436

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 12:09 PM

_Quiet Desperation_

Middle age lady sitting on a park bench is joined by a stranger. They exchange some small talk-he mentions that he used to live in this town years ago. She: Oh, where have you been living?
He: I've been in prison.
She: Why were you in prison?
He: I murdered my wife.
She: "Oh, so you're single?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 09:05 PM

What did the ocean say to the sand?

Stop being such a be-ach!

(My son Tim, aged 11)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Mar 07 - 11:37 PM

Seaweed.
Wet Sand.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 01:12 PM

Red Rory o' th' Glen

The story is told of the English Regiment marching through the Highlands of Scotland (when English Regiments were wont to do such). As they passed through a very narrow defile, a voice mocked them from above.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen," the voice called. "And I challenge you! Send up your best man."

The Colonel of the Regiment looked up to the hilltop and beheld the BIGGEST Scot he had ever seen. His kilt-girthed form must have stood 7 foot and the Claymore in his hand would dwarf most men.

Again the challenge echoed across the hills. "I'm Red Rory of the Glen and I challenge you! If anyone amongst you would dare to call himself 'Champion', then send him up!"

The Colonel, unwilling to let this challenge to the flower of English Soldiery pass unanswered, called over his Adjunct. "Major," he seethed, "send up the Regiment's champion. I want this Scot's head!"

And so the Champion went forth. Up the hill he strode, confidence in every step, to do battle with this Challenger. The Challenger roared his mirth and stepped over the crest, out of site; the Champion followed. Soon the sounds of battle rolled over the hill and the Regiment waited. And then, THUMP Thump thump.... A head! Rolling down the hill came a head. And then, from the hilltop, came the rumble of the Challenger's laughter. "I'm Red Rory of the Glen! Again I challenge you! Send up your best Squad!"

"Major," shouted the Colonel! "This cannot be stood! Send up the best Squad." Up the hill forged the Squad, then over the crest to face the Challenger. Soon the sounds of battle were heard again and then THUMP THUMP THUMP Thump Thump thump! The heads of the squad came rolling down the hill.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen," came the voice, "and I challenge you! Send up your best company!"

Rage contorted the Colonel's face as he screamed, "Major! Send up Company C. I want that man's head and I want it now!" "Yes, sir," was the only response, and soon Company C was advancing up the hill. Again, from over the crest, came the sounds of terrible battle but this time, floating above them, came the sound of the Challenger's laughter!

Slowly, the sounds of battle died away but still the laughter continued. And then, from the top of the hill, came an avalanche of heads to pile up around the Colonel's feet.

"I'm Red Rory of the Glen, and I challenge you! I have beaten the best you have to send, now come yourself!"

"Major," said the Colonel, his rage now turned icy cold. "Take the Regiment up that hill and destroy him! I don't want anyone to return without his head!"

So, in good form, the Regiment marched up the hill and out of the sight of the Colonel waiting at the bottom of the hill. This time the battle raged for hours. Then as the sun sank into the hills, the Adjunct came hurtling down the hill, his uniform disarrayed and splattered with blood. His eyes spoke books of terror. "Colonel," he screamed, his terror edging his voice with panic, "RUN, it's a trap. There's two of them!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 08:08 PM

One of my favorites:

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,"Giorgio- Beverly Hills, $200 an ounce!"

Next, another beauty gets on & also has an expensive aroma.She turns arrogantly to the poor old woman and says, "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

Three floors later, the old woman is about to get off the elevator. She looks at both women,bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart.

She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 89 cents a pound."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Mar 07 - 11:00 PM

So, those Neanderthals -

-were they all Jewish?

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 03:09 AM

A blonde with her Volkswagen stops on the autobahn, opens the bonnet and starts crying.
Another blonde with a Volkswagen stops also coming to help.
"What's the matter, dear?"
"Look at my bonnet - I've lost my motor!"
"Don't despair, I have a spare one in my boot."

For Americans: Bonnet = hood, boot = trunk

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 30 Mar 07 - 07:00 PM

Late Buddy Hackett on the Tonight Show:

Old lady walking home from her job in the garment district, approaching her is a young man in a a raincoat. A few feet from her he flashes himself - as he passes she says "Lousy Lining."


Buxom blonde sidles up to a fellow in a bar, she whispers in his ear "I'll do anything for you for a hundred dollars." His reply: "Paint my house."

His delivery made everything funnier!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 08:28 AM

This one I brought from North Africa. It shows the different effects of the drugs.

Three addicts come back in the night to their home town and find the gate closed.
"Let's lie down and sleep until the gate is opened in the morning" says the opium eater.
"No, lets's smash the gate and go in" says the drunkard.
And the hashish smoker: "Why don't we simply slip through the keyhole?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,sinky
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 09:34 AM

My wife has a tattoo of a shell on the inside of her left thigh,if you put your ear to it you can smell the sea

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Pseudolus
Date: 03 Apr 07 - 01:31 PM

A guy sees a sign outside a bar that says "Piano Player Wanted," so he goes in to apply. The bartender, who is desperate for a player, asks the man to play him something. The man sits down and plays some of the most beautiful music the bartender's ever heard.
"That was amazing" exclaims the bartender. "What was that called?"

"That was something I like to call 'A Weasel Ate My Balls.'"

"Oh. You know anything else?"

The guy plays another amazingly gorgeous piece. Impressed, the bartender applauds and asks what that one was called.

"It's called 'Would ya check out the tits on that one!'"

"Okay," says the bartender. "You can have the job. Just as long as you don't tell anyone the names of the songs."

So the guy begins working nights at the bar, playing to full houses every night, and, true to his word, never revealing the titles of the songs. One night, though, he takes a break to go to the bathroom and forgets to zip up his pants afterwards and his schlong is hanging out. A patron notices and approaches him.

"Do you know your pants are unzipped and your thing is hanging out?"

"Know it?" says the piano player. "I wrote it!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Peace
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 01:35 AM

George Bush is not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 09:22 AM

An elderly couple go to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finish, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50 and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, and then leave. Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA [Health Insurance]."

RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 02:32 PM

there was this Dog convention ready start, like the one that they have in Geneva, every breed of Dog attended it,there was over a hundred thousand attending. As the Dogs were walking in, they would take off their Tail's and hang them on a hook and leave them there, then they would go into the big Hall to take their seats. An hour into the convention the fire alarm went off. every Dog got up out of their seats and made a run for the entrance door, as they were going out they just grabbed any tail they could get their paws on, they all got out saftly, and it was just a hoax, there was no fire. But they all got their tails mixed-up and had to put on the one's that they had grabbed going out. And that is why that when you see a Dog sniffing another Dogs Ass, he is not really, he is looking for his Tail.   Sniff Sniff Sniff no thats not mine.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Apr 07 - 06:25 PM

There's a song about this that puts it very well.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 09:32 AM

Sounds like a banjo joke recycled but this was in Jazz UK this month:
Guy left his car unlocked with trombone in it. Realising his mistake he rushed back- car was gone but 'bone and case neatly deposited on pavement (sidewalk).

RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Apr 07 - 05:25 PM

The Cardiologist's Funeral......

A cardiologist died, and was given an elaborate funeral. A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral..... I'm a gynecologist."

That's when the proctologist fainted.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 03:28 AM

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...

it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O
P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15
16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%


and


K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.






       "REMEMBER SOME PEOPLE ARE ALIVE SIMPLY BECAUSE

       IT IS ILLEGAL TO SHOOT THEM"


RtS

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 12:15 PM

In that vein...

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 07 - 03:20 PM

"A Problem With Bicycle Mittens"

I have a pair of "lobster claws"; thickish bicycle gloves
which hold my index and middle fingers in one sleeve,
and my pinky and ring finger in a second. This keeps
all my fingers warmer.

However, my daughter asked how I could bike in
these gloves.

I explained to her that you don't really need much
manual dexterity to ride a bicycle.

The sweet little thing that she is, she said,

"But what do you do if a driver cuts you off?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Apr 07 - 09:48 AM

Two Scottish nuns had just arrived to the US by boat when one said to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior pointed to a hot dog vendor and they both walked towards it. "Two dogs, please," said one. The vendor was only too pleased to oblige and he wrapped both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurried over to a bench and began to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior was first to open hers, then, stared at it for a moment, leaned over to the other nun and whispered cautiously,
"What part did you get?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Becca72
Date: 17 Apr 07 - 05:42 PM

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Oh, I don’t know”, said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass, the same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

The stranger thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”

To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know shit?”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 11:52 AM

One for the scientists.

A Maths (short for mathematicS) lecturer begins thus,

"As you all know,a plus and a plus can never equal a minus,"

At which a weary and cynical voice pipes up,

    "Yeeeaaah,yeeaah."






       Ivor

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 03:07 PM

Simple

Knock, knock

"Who's There"

"Avon, your doorbells broken"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 18 Apr 07 - 03:09 PM

Two old ladies sat on a park bench, when a man stood infront of them and flashed

One had a stroke, the other couldnt reach

Subject: Lyr Add: THE DOGS' PARTY
From: Schantieman
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 01:39 PM

"There's a song about this that puts it very well. "

It's a Rugby song and appears in 'Forty Years On' by Alan Bennett. I sang it in a production of this great play when in the Sixth Form back in 1976, would you believe?...

The tune is the (not very) well-known hymn, "The Church's One Foundation"

The dogs, they had a party, they came from near and far;
And some dogs came by aeroplane, and some dogs came by car.
They came into the courtroom, they signed the vis'tors' book
And each dog took his arsehole and hung it on a hook.

The dogs they were all seated: each mother, son and sire
When a dirty little mongrel stood up and shouted, "Fire!"
The dogs were in a panic - they had no time to look
And each dog took an arsehole from off the nearest hook.

dum dum dum dum dum dum dum, dum dum de dum dum dum....
dum dum dum dum dum dum...dum dum dum de dum dum dum...
And that, is is the reason dum dum de dum de down
To sniff each other's arsehole in the hope it is his own.


I'm impresed that I can remember that much of it 33 years on but does anyone know the rest of it?

Steve

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 01:40 PM

impressed, even

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: autolycus
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 02:05 PM

I remember a 70s cartoonin Private Eye.

A woman on a park bench faces the artist.

Facing her is a bloke holding his coat open,flashing.

She has a weary look on her face,and she says,

"Oh,not THAT old cliche."






      Ivor

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Bainbo
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 03:21 PM

"does anyone know the rest of it?

And that's the reason why, sir, when walking down the street,
And that's the reason why, sir, when doggies chance to meet,
And that's the reason why, sir, on land, or, sea, or foam
Each dog will sniff another's arsehole in the hope it is his own.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 04:22 PM

The "Middle Wife" by an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher :

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,
but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade
classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions
with my students. It helps them get over shyness, and usually
show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model
airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never,
ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it
in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid,
takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow
stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother,
and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put
a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine
months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to
laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her
in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh,
Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked
around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Now this kid is doing
a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't
have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie
down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the
wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case
he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like
psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming
water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe,breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten.Then, all of a
sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered inyucky stuff that they all
said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys
inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.
I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then,when it's
show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle
Wife" comes along.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 04:48 PM

Kids are great aren't they.... my favourite from the classroom was the kid who wrote:-
Christopher Columbus circumcised the world with a 90ft clipper.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: GUEST,Nancy King at work
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 08:55 PM

Dave O -- LOL! What a great story!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Big Jim from Jackson
Date: 19 Apr 07 - 09:56 PM

A tender-hearted sixth grade girl who had been waiting for a school bus saw a cat who was injured and bleeding. She gathered up the poor thing in her coat and brought it to school and straight to my classroom. Her sympathetic friends gathered around her as she prepared to show me the cat so that I could work my magic and help the poor thing. When she unwrapped the cat,............three kittens! And two more came shortly. Everyone in that classroom, including me, were dumbfounded. Needless to say, there was a lengthly discussion in science class followed by many discussions in several homes that night. Even the most worldly and wise kids in that class were taken totally off guard.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Tone d'F
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 01:38 AM

On kids,

A freind was at playschool, when her 3yr old saw someone breast feeding, on meing told that he used to be fed like that he thought a while

When you was a cow mummy

Excellent reasoning :)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mr Happy
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 05:26 AM

Bill & Ben were in a pub, Bill said to the Barman "Flobalob libble Weeb",

Ben said "Don't mind him mate, he always acts like this when he's had a few jars."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: gnu
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 10:56 AM

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5 year old girl and some construction workers. Makes you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.....


Her First Paycheck

A young family moved into a house, next door was a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl proudly took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two dollar 'pay' she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own paycheck at such a young age.

The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew building the house next door to us."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking dry wall....."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 20 Apr 07 - 07:50 PM

Three Scottish women in Inverness, in the highlands of Scotland, were fed up of being left alone every weekend while their menfolk went out drinking. They decided that they, too, would go out drinking together on Saturday night. As they lurched back at two in the morning, on a lonely road on the edge of town, they heard a strange noise, and stopped. It was a Scotsman, in full Highland dress, who was lying snoring in a ditch into which he had fallen, drunkenly.
    "Oh! My word," said one woman. "Do you think he's one of ours?"
    "How could we tell?" said another. "He's covered in mud and unrecognisable!"
    "Well," says the third. "Just get down in the ditch, and look up his kilt!"
    So the first one gets down in the ditch, and looks up his kilt, then returns.
    "Och, no!" she says "That's no my Angus. I'd know him anywhere! Why don't you have a look too, Jeannie?"
    So Jeannie goes and has a look, and comes back.
    "Och, no! That's no my Hamish, that's for sure!"
    So they both turn to Mary, suggesting she check to see if it's her boyfriend, and she gets down in the ditch.
    "Well, Mary, is it him?" they ask.
    "Och, no!" says Mary, indignantly. "He's not even from Inverness!"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 02:12 AM

Good One Bubblyrat.

Skeleton walks into a bar. Orders a beer & a mop.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: The Walrus
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 04:26 AM

One Upmanship

An old Submarine Navy Chief and an old Marine Gunny were sitting at the Veterans of Foreign Wars Club arguing about who'd had the tougher career.

"I did 30 years in the Corps," the Marine declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade.

As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty Puller, pushed the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire.

Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire by day and mortar fire all night. In a firefight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we charge the enemy with bayonets".

"Ah," said the Navy Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand. "Lucky ba*d, all shore duty, huh?"

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 10:43 AM

Nice one, Walrus----once I"d translated it !! Wasn"t Chesty a famous lady with lots of top-hamper and a fair bit of tumblehome ??

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: bubblyrat
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 11:01 AM

Hi! Mickey 191—That reminds me!
A drunken sailor was walking through the Naval Cemetery, and lay down on a tomb to sleep it off. Before he could get to sleep, he heard a strange rattling noise, and sat up, to see a skeleton heading toward the entrance gates. “Hey!” says Jack, “I’m trying to get some sleep here!”
“Gosh, I’m sorry!” says the skeleton. “Only I just got a 48-hour pass and I’m going ashore for the weekend.”
“OK!” says Jack. “Have a great time!”
But, within minutes, Jack hears the rattling noise again, and looks up to see the skeleton hurrying back the way he just came. “What an asshole (arsehole)!” thinks Jack.
Well, do you know, blow me down if poor tired Jack doesn’t get woken up AGAIN by the skeleton, coming back down the path!—but this time, he is carrying a huge gravestone on his shoulder!
“What the F—k is going on?” says Jack.
“Sorry to wake you again!” says the skeleton, “But the pricks on the gangway wouldn’t let me ashore without my ID card!”

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 01:16 PM

Good one Bubblymouse--You can't be a rat!!

Okay - My cemetery story: Young couple want to have a wee bit of quiet time to do a little necking. They end up in a cemetery. She lays on a tombstone & things get hot and heavy. Next morning she awakens with a terible back pain. Asks her Mom to take a look. Mom examines the back and says: Nothing wrong with your back darlin'-but your ass died in 1899.

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 01:52 PM

A topical one: Cartoon of Don Imus being asked Why did you call those champion athletes what you did?

Caption: Imus be an idiot!

(Funnier if you have him answer in Ebonics)

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Mickey191
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 02:14 PM

Bob, one of the older residents at the Happy Home, has discovered that he has a slight discharge where he doesn't want a discharge, so he makes an appointment with his doctor. After an examination, the doctor asked

"Bob, do you have a girlfriend?" Proudly, Bob answered "Well yes I do, Doc."

"Have you been with her recently" asked the doctor.

"A week ago Sunday" was the pleased answer. Doc advised Bob "I think you just need to go home, you're about to come."

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 22 Apr 07 - 06:54 AM

This bloke is getting some cash from a cashpoint.

A little old lady comes up to him and says, "Excuse me! Could you check my balance for me?"

So he pushed her over!

Subject: RE: Second Joke Thread for 2007
From: Schantieman
Date: 22 Apr 07 - 09:06 AM

Thanks, Bainbo. That doesn't quite scan - probably a different tune - but that was the gist of it.   I can sleep easy in my bed now!

Steve