On stage patter

Subject: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 28 May 07 - 11:15 AM

I thought it might be fun to share some one-liners that you folks use to kill time while adjustments are made on stage.

eg-I was playing with a fiddle player the other night when the guitar and bass player started discussing, off mic, what tune to do next. As we were waiting for them to finish, the fiddle player said, "Let us know if we start gettin' too slick and professional for you, folks."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Scorpio
Date: 28 May 07 - 11:21 AM

"This next song has a great chorus - but that's no excuse for joining in and spoiling it!" Not mine, unfortunately.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Terry McDonald
Date: 28 May 07 - 11:27 AM

After loud applause for a song/tune - 'if we'd known you were going to like it that much, we'd have played it better.........' Not mine, though - I think I heard the jazz trumpeter Ruby Braff say it at a televised festival session.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 28 May 07 - 12:04 PM

Who the hell a re YOU looking at?

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: erosconpollo
Date: 28 May 07 - 02:12 PM

"I tried to write a drinking song once...gave up after four bars." (that's an old one, I know)

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 May 07 - 02:33 PM

I'm still puzzled by the association of the Greek god of love with chicken !
G.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Fidjit
Date: 28 May 07 - 02:47 PM

The trouble with me sitting up here and singing to you is that I can't fully hear what you're talking about.

Chas

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 28 May 07 - 03:16 PM

No no lady in the middle there, I'll wait till you're finished talking. After all it's rude to interrupt a private conversation.
I still get paid whether I sing or not, so feel free.
G.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Greg B
Date: 28 May 07 - 04:27 PM

Leo Kottke: "This song begins like most of my songs...with a
lot of tuning."

(After a lot of tuning)

"How many of you would like to see me shove this thing up my ass?
(Loud applause) Security...cover my ass."

My personal favorite sad-but-true line is, as I stand there with
my melodeon: "I used to be the banjo player, but got tired of all
the dumb banjo jokes, so I bought this."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: JennyO
Date: 28 May 07 - 11:18 PM

"We've had a request - but we're going to keep playing anyway."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Sharon G
Date: 29 May 07 - 12:33 AM

My band mate's usual sound check banter: "Testing, testing, 1, 2, 3. If this was a real emergency, you'd be dead by now".

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Stephen L. Rich
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:20 AM

I do a variation on that :
This has been a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. Had this been an actual emergency our announcer would have paniced and begun screaming,"Oh, My God! We're going to die!"

The line has maximum effect if you can approximate a deep, dignified radio announcer's voice throughout.

Stephen Lee

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:51 AM

They're on your head!

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:16 AM

To the man, holding his menu at arm's length.

"They're on your head!" as many times as it takes.


The sweetest thing, I ever saw while playing in a restaurant was an older couple from New England I think, who removed their glasses to read their menus. She placed her glasses on the centre of the table and he placed his on top of hers. All tangled up, legs all over the place. I caught them smiling and they caught me looking. One of the few times, I've been speechless, behind a mike. Just three stupid grins in a crowded restaurant.

One more line that I'll never forget using was simply "Go Ahead!"
Three families from the South pulled a few tables together in this same restaurant. They ordered their meals and when they arrived I noticed that the man at the head of the tables was looking over his shoulder, kind of self conscious is the way I'd put it.
I stopped singing and said "Go Ahead!"
At this, the whole table joined hands, bowed their heads and said Grace. When they were done, I started playing again.
Sometimes, you just know.
No-one in the restaurant paid the slightest attention. I take comfort in that.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:43 AM

Hey! I just remembered.
The guy who led the prayers gave me his card later on. Turns out he had his own ministry. Pastor Bob or something like that. (I'd have to look in one of the card boxes) Could even be one of yous!
Said he'd have a room for me if I was down his way.
Funny, the things you remember.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Bernard
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:30 AM

Could I have your address, please? I'd like to come around to your house and walk around talking loudly whilst you're  performing!

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Ned Ludd
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:36 AM

At an outdoor gignear a stream. I'd just like to thank all the audience....for distracting the midges!

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Folkiedave
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:45 AM

Last Nights Fun (Chris Sherburn is brilliant at this) were playing and a table on the stage had a tea cup and saucer on it and this gradually moved with the foot stamping time keeping until it fell off.

Without breaking a note or even looking Chris said "I think that was meant for you Nick".

Roy Bailey on forgetting words "I am getting old. In my house the office is upstairs and sometimes I get halfway up the stairs, stop and can't remember why I am going upstairs. Sometimes I am coming downstairs and can't remember why I am coming downstairs. But sometimes I stop in the middle of the stairs and can't remember whether I am going up or down".

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: synbyn
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:04 AM

back to the gutter:
set-up routine 'Articles, particles, Test...ing'.........

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Trevor
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:14 AM

Last Night's Fun came out with a brilliant one when they played our local village hall. Chris was rattling on about something or other, Denny looked up just as a herd of cattle passed by the window and said 'Ok, Chris, the cows have come home.....'. Brilliant timing!

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: guitar
Date: 29 May 07 - 06:30 AM

sit back and we'll plug it in

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Splott Man
Date: 29 May 07 - 07:52 AM

"Here's one you can all tap your watches to."






I've had good mileage from one of Mike Harding's for when a glass drops on the floor -

"contact lens?"

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Chalkie
Date: 29 May 07 - 08:18 AM

We were performing on the riverside at Yarmouth one year and upon my turn I opened up with a song and pitched it right through the roof. Upon realising what was coming next I stopped to pitch it lower just as a couple of coppers on the beat were walking past the front of the stage and one of the lads piped up "scuse me officer, but would you please arrest this man, cos what he's doing to us is criminal!"

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Snoozer
Date: 29 May 07 - 08:21 AM

One I've heard from someone in the midst of tuning:
"This is an old traditional Chinese song (pause), Tu-Ning"

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Greg B
Date: 29 May 07 - 10:42 AM

Tommy Makem has some brilliant ones, that never get old.

On getting little response on a chorus: "Let's all join hands and
contact the living."

When something crashes in the back of the room: "Hit him again!"

Or "...the Irish gals, they go out sowing their wild oats
all week then go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure."

At a Boys of the Lough concert, after a particularly long introduction
to a tune, one of the other lads said that resident scholar Cathal
McConnell had been diagnosed by his physician as suffering from
'Alcohol induced verbosity.'

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 29 May 07 - 10:59 AM

Thanks guys & gals. While reading these I was reminded of a Doc Watson quip to a loud audience member, "Yah, I remember my first drink too, Buddy."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Bernard
Date: 29 May 07 - 11:27 AM

Somebody drops or kicks something... 'Sack the juggler!'...

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Scorpio
Date: 29 May 07 - 11:37 AM

More from Mike Harding:
"I wrote this song for my ex-girlfriend, Back Entry Bertha. Very friendly woman, Bertha, used to walk about with a mattress strapped to her back in case she met someone she knew."

"My landlady's a terrible cook! Found her up on the roof yesterday, with a piece of flypaper and a knitting needle - catching seagulls for breakfast!"

etc, etc, for a couple of hours!

Fancy a new thread, luv?

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: kendall
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:06 PM

"I picked this one up on the road. My wife said I should have left it lying there."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Marje
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:31 PM

AAAAARRRGH! Stop it!

I've heard a great many of these. Some I've heard many times. Most I didn't find very funny even the first time. I really don't want to hear them again.

It's interesting that most of the truly remarks things quoted above are things that arose from the situation at the time, and were responded to with spontaneous wit. That's very different from telling a second-hand joke or anecdote. Some people can be naturally witty. Telling old jokes is not the same thing; in fact it more or less proves, to my mind, that you're not capable of original wit.

It's not a stand-up comedy club, it's (presumably) a folk club. Please, don't feel you have to crack a joke. If you can't be spontaneously, naturally funny, forget it. You can still be charming, or interesting, or engaging, or charismatic, or well informed, or have a sense of fun about what you do.

If there are moments to fill, tell us something about the song you're about to play, or make some observation about the club, or the organiser, or the local areas, or the beer. It doesn't have to have a punchline, especially not a second-hand one.

And then just get on with the music.

Marje

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:36 PM

Lou Gottlieb, of the Limeliters, once described to an audience the reaction to a previous performance: "We were modestly successful; which is to say that the audience rarely left - in groups."

A member of another group used this one after a particularly arduous session of multi-instrument tuning: "When I get this thing tuned, I'm having it welded!"

My personal favorite for talky folk: "Dammit! Don't talk while I'm interrupting!"

We would like to thank the audience for their support of our favorite charity. Part of the proceeds of tonight's performance go into a special fund. Then, we go out and buy beer with it.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Captain Ginger
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:38 PM

Thank you Marje - that needed saying. I was inwardly cringing at the thought of various club regulars assiduously practising their spontaneity. Patter should indeed patter, not gallumph in size 10 boots. If Harding's stage act really does feature the above such 'gems' then I'm so glad not to have heard him live.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 29 May 07 - 01:45 PM

After submitting my short treatise, I still have to agree with Marje. A piece of advice I once received said, "If you think you need to be funny,but find you have to think too much about what you're saying between songs, just shut up and play."

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Fidjit
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:08 PM

Thank you for having us. Anyone who hasn't had us yet. Please be patient we're working our way round.

Chas

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: BarryBlues
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:42 PM

(While putting a well known type of capo on a open D tuned guitar to get to open E) pause.."Getting a capo that never puts a guitar out of tune is a guitarist's dream".......pause and more tuning.."the shop told me this was such a miracle invention"....final tune up..."they lied!"

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 02:49 PM

"On stage patter" is the name of this particular thread. I wouldn't be too put off by someone dropping in to say they don't like it.
Keep them coming, please. Some of these are quite good.
Maybe we could start a "Things I don't like" thread for the others.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Terry McDonald
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:08 PM

In one group I was in, the 'second' guitarist looked to see on which fret I had placed my capo and said 'what key are we doing this one in? - ah, number three......'

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:14 PM

Marje and Captain Ginger - please don't tell me how to do my job, and please don't define my job for me.
If I want to tell a joke between songs, I will.
I wouldn't dream of defining your jobs, or telling you how to do them.
Thank you.

Seamu

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Greg B
Date: 29 May 07 - 03:31 PM

Noel Paul Stookey was a stand-up comedian prior to his musical
career. He's funny as hell on stage, especially during his 'solo'
segments at a PPM concert.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:08 PM

I had a comedian come up and criticize a song I wrote, during the break. I was on before him on the second half so I did 4 or 5 minutes of Stand-Up before I started singing.
A bit like riding a bike with the training wheels on.
Dead easy but somewhat limiting.


"Here's on I wrote, this afternoon!"

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: treewind
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:13 PM

Seamus, how come you chose to take that advice personally? You haven't even posted to the thread, unless it was anonymously or under a different name.

Ultimately if a performer spends too much time telling tired and bad jokes between songs just because they "want to" they won't get booked again. Of course that's your choice, but we're all entitled to an opinion even if you don't agree. And don't forget you're selling yourself and "the customer is always right"

Anyway...
I had an interesting conversation about this topic with some people at Chippenham this weekend. Somebody said that the patter between songs can be much more nerve-racking for the performer than the actual singing and playing. I pointed out that this was quite likely to be because the patter doesn't get rehearsed, while the songs do. Then somebody told me that Steve Jordan (who was doing a lot of MC-ing at the festival, and is also a very entertaining performer in his own right) practices his patter. I suppose in a way I do the same - I spend some time thinking about what I'm going to say, and sometimes I can tell a fairly coherent story, other times it's a bit of a ramble. Perhaps I should take practicing patter a bit more seriously.
Mind you, learing it word-perfoect isn't a good idea. Artisan used to have a whole lot of well rehearsed routines that looked like spontaneous wit and banter between the three of the them, until you saw them the second time and it was word for word the same.

I don't try to be funny unless I'm certain it will work, but I do like to pick up on things that have happened earlier the same evening, like someone else's intro to a song if I have a way of following it up, because it also shows I've been listening and makes everything seem more spontaneous.

I'd never tell a stock gag - I can't do that and if it has nothing to do with the music I don't see the point.

Anahata

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: kendall
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:16 PM

If it feels good, do it. If not, don't. Your audience will feel it and you could lose them.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:27 PM

Anahata - even when the patter isn't word perfect, it's recognisable the 2nd plus time round. Dave Webber has been known to acknowledge that his audience know the patter as well as the songs.

Kitty

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:32 PM

Well, it's a "Patter" thread for those who are interested in "Patter".
Last week, someone came on to a "What's the meaning of" thread to say that meanings of songs are not important.
Another thread focused on how we could filter out the people whom we don't like. On a chat forum?
I went on to a "David Francey" thread to say that I don't like him.
Your comments have one thing in common with all of the other examples.
They were all mistakes.
Let's move on. No hard feelings.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Jim
Date: 29 May 07 - 04:47 PM

I do like to have something to say if I'm stuck on stage, but don't (yet) practice the patter so it's the same every show. I have enjoyed performers who do a "Show", complete with rehearsed patter. Fred Eaglesmith and Tom Rush immediately come to mind. Their patter changes over time, but both still tell jokes and stories that I heard them tell 25 or 30 years ago. They also still sing songs I heard that long ago. Fred's WHITE ROSE FILLING STATION wouldn't be the same without the patter that introduces it.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Folkiedave
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:02 PM

Hi Anahata - despite Artisan's rehearsed patter many people WERE seeing it for the first time - and that to me is the important bit.

Chris Sherburn is a master of the impromptu patter, also has some well used stuff, and even when I have seen him a dozen times I can still laugh at things I have heard before.

I doubt if John Foreman changed his act for twenty years - but he was and probably still is a great performer with terrific timing.

I think that is the great advantage of folk music - chances are the stuff will not be burnt out by TV and the joke that gets eaten by millions all at one go. At least it is only a few hundred at a time!!

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Jim Lad
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:09 PM

Well, now it's a debate. Looks like the naysayers win again.


Goodnight, God Bless & Have a safe drive home.
Jim
(Patter merchant, extraordinaire)

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: GUEST,Russ
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:18 PM

Words I dread to hear:

"I told that story so you would have time to retune."

I've heard it twice.

Russ (Permanent GUEST)

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: alanabit
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:31 PM

For many of us patter is an indispensable tool. It is part of the act and the framework, within which we set the songs. In my busking show, I was quite frequently able to build crowds more by talking than by playing. To make a crowd sing and clap along on the street, you have to build it up a bit like an Evangelist meeting. The same can be true of other gigs.
I have rarely got patter right at the first attempt. Some of it is ad lib, but some of it needs as much practice to get right as performing the songs. It gets adapted to circumstances according to the setting. It tends to take on its own life once it is "out there".
The performers have to be able to guess whether the same lines have been trotted out a hundred times before when they are playing a relatively small scene. If I were playing in the UK, for instance, I would avoid using anything, which sounded like a Mike Harding or a Fred Wedlock line. Everyone has known those gags for over thirty years. Those same gags could come across as very fresh somewhere else. I'd also like to make the point that patter is not necessarily the same as just telling jokes. Out of context, my patter is about as funny as a tree falling on your car. I am crap at telling jokes, but patter does seem to work for me. At the end of the day only people are funny and not the actual gags themselves. I can prove it. I can tell you the funniest gag in the world so you do not laugh…
If patter comes over as part of your own stock of storytelling, it is an important enhancement to the setting of your songs. It can also provide a very welcome counterpoint to your darker material. It is like anything else in your performance. You do not have to do it, but if you can do it well, it will make your show better.

Subject: RE: On stage patter
From: Folkiedave
Date: 29 May 07 - 05:32 PM

Seems about right to me. Well said.