BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)

Subject: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 07:35 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Just HAD to share these...

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar"
I said "Well I've been on telly, but I'm no Dean Martin.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?"
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?"
The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?"
I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: GUEST,Squeaky at work
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 08:11 AM

You have just caused my manager to spit her sandwich across her desk... I am now having my internet privileges removed...

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Arnie
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 03:13 PM

My mate looks a bit like Tommy Cooper and does some great impressions - however as they are visual it's a bit difficult getting over the humour by e-mail! TC could make people laugh just be walking on stage - even when he was dying of a heart attack the audience laughed!!

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 04:24 PM

Tommy Coopers jokes weren't bad...they made most people laugh. Those are good'uns above. Nice one.

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: TRUBRIT
Date: 09 Aug 07 - 11:03 PM

They are good.......just like that!

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: John O'L
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 12:45 AM

I've been cacking myself. I love the one about careering off the road.

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Splott Man
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 11:06 AM

Looks like Tim Vine's set to me.

He's brilliant, holds a record for the most jokes in a minute.

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Leadfingers
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 01:21 PM

This man walks into a Bar - Yells "OW!" - It was an iron Bar !

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Aug 07 - 06:30 PM

"I went through my attic the other day. Look what I found ! A Rembrandt and a Stradivarius ! Unfortunately, Stradivarius couldn't paint, and Rembrandt made rotten violins."

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Aug 07 - 08:10 AM

Funily enough (pun intended) Splott man, Many of Vine's jokes have been falsely attributed to Tommy Cooper; the West End show about Tommy Cooper actually features some of Vine's jokes. (Source - Wikipedia) I think that it is a great tribute to both of them that their jokes can be intermingled:-)
The skip outside the house joke is one of Tim's. I was another one earlier

I went to the doctors the other day.
The doctor said "You've got hypocondria".
I said "Oh no! Not that as well"

I must say I have never seen or heard his delivery but the quality of the puns certainly make me think he is up there with the man with the fez!

Cheers

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Splott Man
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 03:48 AM

I was in the library the other day and I found a trouser leg.

I thought - there's a turn-up for the books.

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Trevor
Date: 13 Aug 07 - 09:27 AM

My wife said to me 'What's the matter with you?'
I said 'I'm homesick'
She said 'This is your home'
I said 'Yeah, I know, I'm sick of it!'

Doctor: 'How did you get that bump on your head?'
'A book fell on it'
'Ah well, don't blame your shelf'

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: GUEST,Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 02:28 AM

Favourite Cooper joke and alleged real-life incident:
Man goes to his mate's house one morning and says to his wife, "Is Fred at home?"
"No", she replies, "he had a heart attack last night, he's dead".
"Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Cooper was at a Royal Command Performance, after which he lined up with the other performers to meet the Queen. As she drew level he said, "Are you going to the Cup Final this year?"
Taken aback she replied, "No, we're otherwise engaged".
"Can I have your ticket?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Splott Man
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 04:14 AM

Supply your own Tommy Cooper mannerisms...


With ceremonial hat on head - "The King of Norway"

Turning it 90? - "The other way"

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Folkiedave
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 04:44 AM

Hi Jim,

I suspect the first is apocryphal, (usually a standard test to see if someone is Yorkshire/Lancashire - if they understand it they are!!) but the second certainly sounds true!!

Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 06:47 AM

No, the first was a real Cooper joke which I recall seeing him do on the telly. I have feeling it wasn't a tin of paint - might have been a screwdriver or similar!

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: Splott Man
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 09:43 AM

I'll try again...
Supply your own Tommy Cooper mannerisms...


With ceremonial hat on head - "The King of Norway"

Turning it 90 degrees - "The other way"



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(My degrees symbol changed to a question mark twixt here and there.)

Subject: RE: BS: Tommy Cooper lives on in bad jokes:-)
From: GUEST
Date: 14 Aug 07 - 10:59 AM

Hi Dave,
The first was a joke - I suppose from the same stable that produced the Duraham miner's story MacColl and Parker recorded while making 'The Big Hewer'.
A miner goes round to his mate's house to take him for a pint; wife comes to the door and tells him her husband died the evening before.
"What happened missus?"
"He was in the garden pulling a head of cabbage and he had a heart attack and died".
"That's terrible; what did you do?"
"I had to open a tin of peas hinny".
Jim Carroll