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BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.

Wilfried Schaum 11 Oct 07 - 09:50 AM
Wilfried Schaum 11 Oct 07 - 09:54 AM
Peace 11 Oct 07 - 09:58 AM
Peace 11 Oct 07 - 10:07 AM
GUEST,BobL 11 Oct 07 - 11:26 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Oct 07 - 04:31 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:24 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:28 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:31 PM
Roger the Skiffler 12 Oct 07 - 10:06 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Oct 07 - 10:51 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Oct 07 - 08:34 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 13 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM
Mickey191 13 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Oct 07 - 09:04 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Oct 07 - 04:49 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 16 Oct 07 - 01:07 PM
topical tom 16 Oct 07 - 04:20 PM
gnu 16 Oct 07 - 07:04 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Oct 07 - 06:36 PM
wlisk 21 Oct 07 - 09:13 PM
Wesley S 24 Oct 07 - 10:12 AM
The Fooles Troupe 28 Oct 07 - 09:00 AM
Roger the Skiffler 01 Nov 07 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 01 Nov 07 - 01:56 PM
topical tom 01 Nov 07 - 05:20 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 01 Nov 07 - 08:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Nov 07 - 06:45 PM
bobad 04 Nov 07 - 06:52 PM
The Fooles Troupe 05 Nov 07 - 02:10 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 05 Nov 07 - 02:28 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Nov 07 - 08:38 PM
topical tom 06 Nov 07 - 05:26 PM
Wesley S 07 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:37 PM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:39 PM
GUEST,Les B. 07 Nov 07 - 11:28 PM
Wilfried Schaum 09 Nov 07 - 05:34 AM
bobad 13 Nov 07 - 09:57 PM
topical tom 13 Nov 07 - 11:40 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 14 Nov 07 - 06:54 AM
Mrrzy 14 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM
Sooz 14 Nov 07 - 12:39 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Nov 07 - 01:14 PM
autolycus 15 Nov 07 - 04:47 PM
PeadarOfPortsmouth 15 Nov 07 - 05:48 PM
dick greenhaus 15 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM
JeZeBeL 16 Nov 07 - 04:25 AM
PeadarOfPortsmouth 16 Nov 07 - 09:57 AM
Mrrzy 16 Nov 07 - 01:02 PM
Ernest 16 Nov 07 - 01:47 PM
Wilfried Schaum 17 Nov 07 - 06:04 AM
wysiwyg 21 Nov 07 - 12:22 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 21 Nov 07 - 04:03 PM
GUEST,ashamed to say 22 Nov 07 - 10:12 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Nov 07 - 01:15 PM
autolycus 25 Nov 07 - 03:12 PM
Rog Peek 25 Nov 07 - 04:17 PM
Bert 25 Nov 07 - 05:32 PM
Jim Dixon 25 Nov 07 - 06:28 PM
frogprince 25 Nov 07 - 10:27 PM
Bert 25 Nov 07 - 11:25 PM
The Fooles Troupe 25 Nov 07 - 11:48 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 26 Nov 07 - 03:45 PM
Donuel 26 Nov 07 - 08:21 PM
Bryn Pugh 27 Nov 07 - 09:41 AM
Uncle_DaveO 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM
autolycus 27 Nov 07 - 12:51 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 27 Nov 07 - 04:50 PM
The Walrus 27 Nov 07 - 08:50 PM
Uncle_DaveO 28 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM
autolycus 28 Nov 07 - 10:07 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 28 Nov 07 - 02:43 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Nov 07 - 09:27 AM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Nov 07 - 09:44 AM
GUEST,Neil D 29 Nov 07 - 12:53 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 29 Nov 07 - 04:56 PM
Wesley S 30 Nov 07 - 09:14 AM
Wesley S 30 Nov 07 - 09:15 AM
topical tom 30 Nov 07 - 12:43 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 30 Nov 07 - 05:49 PM
The Walrus 01 Dec 07 - 06:18 AM
autolycus 01 Dec 07 - 10:30 AM
Bentley 01 Dec 07 - 10:43 AM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Dec 07 - 03:38 PM
autolycus 02 Dec 07 - 04:38 AM
GUEST 02 Dec 07 - 08:13 AM
autolycus 02 Dec 07 - 06:41 PM
GUEST 02 Dec 07 - 07:51 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Dec 07 - 07:55 PM
Steve Shaw 02 Dec 07 - 07:57 PM
Joe_F 02 Dec 07 - 09:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Dec 07 - 08:30 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Dec 07 - 08:32 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Dec 07 - 09:05 AM
Bainbo 03 Dec 07 - 04:33 PM
The Fooles Troupe 04 Dec 07 - 07:33 AM
The Fooles Troupe 04 Dec 07 - 07:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Dec 07 - 11:17 AM
Amos 04 Dec 07 - 05:44 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 05 Dec 07 - 02:54 PM
autolycus 05 Dec 07 - 05:04 PM
Bill D 05 Dec 07 - 06:51 PM
The Walrus 05 Dec 07 - 07:34 PM
GUEST,Dani 05 Dec 07 - 08:49 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 06 Dec 07 - 06:31 PM
Neil D 06 Dec 07 - 09:58 PM
John MacKenzie 07 Dec 07 - 08:01 AM
John MacKenzie 08 Dec 07 - 05:59 AM
Uncle_DaveO 08 Dec 07 - 08:54 AM
Uncle_DaveO 08 Dec 07 - 08:55 AM
GUEST,Someone who ought to know better! 08 Dec 07 - 07:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 09 Dec 07 - 04:17 PM
Peace 09 Dec 07 - 09:50 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 Dec 07 - 07:05 AM
GUEST,Neil D 10 Dec 07 - 12:52 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 11 Dec 07 - 07:36 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Dec 07 - 04:20 PM
Mrrzy 12 Dec 07 - 10:07 PM
Mrrzy 12 Dec 07 - 10:11 PM
Schantieman 13 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Dec 07 - 05:13 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 13 Dec 07 - 08:15 PM
dick greenhaus 14 Dec 07 - 05:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM
Mrrzy 15 Dec 07 - 08:52 PM
autolycus 16 Dec 07 - 02:10 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 08:33 AM
Bert 17 Dec 07 - 04:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 07:12 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 17 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM
Jim Dixon 17 Dec 07 - 07:30 PM
Wilfried Schaum 18 Dec 07 - 02:10 AM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 09:11 AM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 01:17 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 04:48 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 18 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 07:41 PM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 09:37 PM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Dec 07 - 11:54 AM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Dec 07 - 04:29 AM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Dec 07 - 01:57 PM
Doug Chadwick 20 Dec 07 - 07:19 PM
John MacKenzie 21 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM
autolycus 23 Dec 07 - 07:39 AM
Doug Chadwick 23 Dec 07 - 09:38 AM
autolycus 23 Dec 07 - 10:28 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Dec 07 - 05:00 PM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Dec 07 - 09:08 AM
The Fooles Troupe 26 Dec 07 - 07:41 AM
autolycus 26 Dec 07 - 07:50 AM
wlisk 26 Dec 07 - 11:48 AM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Dec 07 - 05:05 PM
The Fooles Troupe 30 Dec 07 - 07:34 AM
autolycus 30 Dec 07 - 09:04 AM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Dec 07 - 09:25 AM
autolycus 30 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Dec 07 - 03:23 AM
autolycus 31 Dec 07 - 06:29 AM
Uncle_DaveO 31 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM
Donuel 31 Dec 07 - 09:50 AM
Wilfried Schaum 07 Jan 08 - 03:44 AM

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Subject: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:50 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I don't find the title Koke Thread funny anymore. So everybody using the search machine will find the jokes and clicking away from here the Koke Thread, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:54 AM

- I've seen your wife with another man more than once!
- Yes, I know.
- Won't you beat him up?
- I'm waiting.
- What for?
- Till I meet her with a smaller one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:58 AM

I don't get it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 10:07 AM

I don't get the first post.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 11:26 AM

Of course you don't, they're on strike


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 04:31 PM

"Brake Fluid"

A mechanic was working under a car and some
brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.

The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the
brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll
have a little more today."

His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say
anything.

The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake
fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more."

A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.

"You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is
poison and really bad for you. You better cut out
drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:24 PM

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:28 PM

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai.

A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding * 1. a Japanese Samurai, 2. a Chinese Samurai and 3. a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


(semi-funny, if you allow the silly premises that there WERE Samurais other than japanese)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:31 PM

one more:

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:06 AM

Not sure if these have been posted before...

Everything I need to know about life,
I learned from Noah's Ark...


One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:51 AM

"Hormone Treatments"

A man went to an internist and complained of
listlessness. After a thorough examination, the
doctor said, "You ought to try some hormones."

"Like they give to women?" the patient asked,
dumbfounded. "Are you serious?"

"Everybody uses hormones and for different purposes.
They even give them to racehorses." replied the doctor.

The patient agreed to a shot and returned two weeks
later for a follow-up visit. The Doctor asked if they worked.

The patient replied, "You bet they did but, not exactly as
I planned. Yesterday, I ran six furlongs in one-ten !"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:34 AM

"Worst Speller"

Fourth-grader Larry was an "A" student in arithmetic,
but he was the worst speller in the class.

The teacher had him at the blackboard one day,
trying to teach him to spell. He was really having
difficulty with a word when one of his classmates
blurted out, "Add an 'e', Larry."

Frustrated, Larry said, "I'm not adding... I'm spelling."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM

Two American soldiers on patrol at 4am in Baghdad

One says, "It's chilly this morning"

The other replies, "No! I don't think we've finished in Afghanistan yet"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM

Two for Free!

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming?
That was me." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A couple meet in a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego, says,

"Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
She replied .... "I Didn't feel a thing"  


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM

"Becoming a Member"

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local
church. When the invitation was given at the end of the
service, she went forward wanting to become a member.
The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted
Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of
the church. The pastor thought to himself, "Oh my, she is
so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not
clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the
members think of her?" He told her that she needed to go
home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor
that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized.
"I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and
I truly want to become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.

A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor
saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was
ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen
you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not
to worry about becoming a member of your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to
get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 09:04 AM

"Tough Ice Fishing"

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about
it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake
was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got
to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours,
one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going
to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the
shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He
sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to
need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way,"
he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the
boat in the water yet."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 04:49 PM

"Chinese Surprise"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant
and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 01:07 PM

Running Doe , a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called...
>
>
>
>
>
The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred"
===========================


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 04:20 PM

Bill D, in reference to the joke about the bodies I also heard Utah Philips tell it about Bella Apzug, the activist. In his version she said, "For God's sake, don't dig up the back yard; that's where the guns are buried.
       Thanks to the FBI, Utah recounted, Bella was at last able to plant her potatoes. Just another version.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: gnu
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 07:04 PM

And another.... call to the RCMP that Garge has grass hidden inside the firewood that was delivered... not spilt or piled.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 07 - 06:36 PM

"Original Hollywood Squares"

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Oct 07 - 09:13 PM

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 Oct 07 - 10:12 AM

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet ... After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win the bet.

A year later they got together. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied, "Screw you, towel head."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Oct 07 - 09:00 AM

As I've Matured...   


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.   

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 10:32 AM

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY AND FINALLY TRUEST TRUISM OF ALL

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !




RtS
(and one on a card I got for my birthday on Oxi Day : "We can't get rid of women, who else would remember birthdays?")
"Now I'm 64"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 01:56 PM

A man's ideal vacation is to drive 100 miles into the wilderness, sleep in a tent, get up at the crack of dawn, cook bacon and eggs over a campfire, and spend the rest of the day hiking, hunting or fishing.

A woman's ideal vacation is to fly to a distant city, check into a first-class hotel, sleep late, order breakfast from room service (she'll have the fruit compote), and spend the rest of the day shopping.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 05:20 PM

An older man walked into a medical centre and the secretary asked him "Can I help you?"
   "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
   "Oh, sir,"she said, "You mustn't talk like that here.You could say "There's something wrong with my arm or my ear orleg."Now go out and come in again and try."
    Dutifully the old man went out, came in again and said"There's something wrong with my ear."
    "What seems to be the problem?" she asked.
    "Well" he replied, "I can't piss out of it."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 08:26 PM

Man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"

His wife is intrigued and wants to know more

He says "I dreamed you got hit by a train and I pissed myself laughing"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 06:45 PM

"Relationships Are Hard"

Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was
looking really down in the dumps.

"What's the matter?" Bill asked.

"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is
so confusing. There are so many damn people you
have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me,
her mom liked me, but her father hated me.

Then there was this other woman, both of her parents
really liked me, but SHE didn't like me.

And then there was this woman I met last night. She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really
like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: bobad
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 06:52 PM

1st. guy - "I'm seeing spots"
2nd. guy - "Have you seen a doctor?"
1st. guy - "No, just spots."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 02:10 AM

A grandmother phoned the local hospital and timidly asked "Is there someone I could speak to so I could find out how a patient is progressing?" The operator replied "I'll be glad to help, what is the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay. room 302."The operator said "Let me place you on hold for a minute while I check with the Nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned with "Oh! good news her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine and her Doctor has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said "Thamk you, that's wonderful. I was worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied "You are more than welcome, is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said "No. I'm Norma Findlay in room 302. No one tells me a #@^&* thing."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 02:28 PM

Bloke goes for an eye test.

The oprician says "Have your eyes ever been checked before"

Bloke says, "No! They've always been blue"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 08:38 PM

From The Guardian mag on Saturday.

Bloke goes to fancy-dress party, but he's in his normal clothes except that he's carrying a young, completely naked woman on his back.

The host says to him, "What have you come as, then?"

Chap says, "I've come as a tortoise!"

Host says, "How do you make that out then? You're in your normal clothes but you just have a naked girl on your back!"

"Yeah," says the bloke. "That's Michelle!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 06 Nov 07 - 05:26 PM

Woman in the pediatrician's office;" Doctor, Cecil doesn't want to breast-feed any more."

    The doctor asks the woman to strip to the waist and he examines her breasts thoroughly. He then tells her that all seems to be in order and asks her as the mother if her eatng and drinking habits have changed in any way.

    "Oh, I'm not her mother<" she replied. "I'm her grandmother but I'm sure glad I came."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.   So, one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:37 PM

So this fellow goes to the doctor, with one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard. As he sits down the doctor says to him,

"Do you know you've got one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard?"

"Pardon?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM

....he says,

"Do you know you've got one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard?"

"Sorry," replies the patient, "You'll have to speak up - I'm a trifle deaf."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:39 PM

Then the doctor notices that his patient also has a carrot up his nose and mashed potato smeared over his forehead.

"I can see what's the matter with you", remarks the doctor

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"You're not eating properly"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 11:28 PM

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist,
"I got a hot date tonight and I need some pertection. How much is a
pack of dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds, "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

      "TACKS" the shocked redneck responds.

      "Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Nov 07 - 05:34 AM

A joiner is mending some pews in his local church. Hitting his thumb hard ye yells: "Heavenscrosstempestgodsbloodsacramentanddamnedagain ..." when he is interrupted by his minister and reproached: "My son, are you not ashamed to swear so blasphemingly in The Lord's Own House? Can you not, like any other decent Christian, simply say: shit?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: bobad
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 09:57 PM

These Weapons Of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 11:40 PM

A tv repairman was called to a house one day. The woman of the house said to him, "I own a huge, vicious-looking dog but he will not harm you.But for God's sake do not speak to the parrot I own. Promise, okay?"
       The repairman assured her that he would follow her orders.
       Upon entering the house the repairman was not bothered by the dog but the parrot screamed vulgarities and insults continuously.
       "Oh, for heaven's sake," shouted the repairman,"Will you shut your filthy mouth!"
       To which the parrot screamed, Sic 'im, Bruno!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 06:54 AM

There was a teacher arrested for carrying a slide rule, book of logarithms and a calculator

He was charged with having instruments of maths instruction


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM

Bobad - now THAT's funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Sooz
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 12:39 PM

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes
for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go
and give it a try!"


The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an
alligator.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed she takes aim, shoots the creature dead, and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead alligators, all lying on their
backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in stunned amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out ..


"SHIT!!! ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 01:14 PM

A child once explained why Adam and Eve were
expelled from the Garden of Eden. His explanation
went like this:

"One day Cain and Abel were talking to their father,
Adam, and asked him just why it was they couldn't
go back to the Garden.

"After thinking for a moment, Adam said, 'Well, boys,
it's like this: Your mother and I sort of ate ourselves
out of house and home.' "


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:47 PM

Why do men have transparent lunchboxes?





   So they know whether they're going TO work or coming home FROM work



       Ivorrrrrrrr


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: PeadarOfPortsmouth
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:48 PM

Two drunks are sitting in the local pub, enjoying a leisurely afternoon of drinking.

After a while, the pub owner's dog -- a big German shepard of a thing -- comes in the door, circles the pub a few times and finally settles down by the fireplace. The dog starts to clean itself and eventually gets to its nether regions.

After watching the dog for a minute, the first drunk says to his friend "You know, I wish I was able to do that."

Through drunken eyes his friend looks at him, looks at the dog, and then turns back to say,

"Well, you better pet him first, 'cuz he looks a bit mean."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM

Pierre, a heroic French fighter pilot home on 24-hour leave, takes his new
girlfriend, Marie, out for a picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful
day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a
bottle of Merlot and splashes some on Marie's enticing crimson lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have
red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things begin to heat up a little and
Marie says coyly, "Pierre, you may kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on
her white alabaster breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
have white wine!"

"Oh!" She exclaims, and they resume their passionate interlude. Things
really start to steam up and it's not long before Marie leans close to his
ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower -- much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"

Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 04:25 AM

What does it mean when the man lying in bed next to you is gasping for breathe and calling out your name?


.........


.......

You haven't kept the pillow on his face long enough!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: PeadarOfPortsmouth
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 09:57 AM

Collectors out there may be interested in the following listing on eBay:

FOR SALE
Item: Genuine French Infantry Rifle
Description: Never fired, dropped once.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:02 PM

Maybe not exzactly a joke, but I was watching a TV show on cannibalism, and apparently the British pronounce it ca-NIBBLE-ism - I just about wet my pants laughing!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Ernest
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:47 PM

Peadar, that rifle would be worth a fortune if only it came with the appropriate flag of war: a white cross on white ground


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 17 Nov 07 - 06:04 AM

The manager to one of his employees:

"You are working well, and normally you were up for promotion. There is only one problem: So often you are too late! You have been in the army! What did your sergeant major say when you were too late?"

"Good morning, captain, sir."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 12:22 PM

These are great. I'm printing a bunchh of them for a joke-spreading pal who's not having the best time these days, but keeps himself and everyone else laughing because, as he says, if you can't laugh you might as well give up.

~S~


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 04:03 PM

Q. What is the medical term for the fatty area of flesh around the vagina?

A. The Wife


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,ashamed to say
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 10:12 AM

So, people kept telling me I looked hellish; but I felt great. After a time, it got to me, so I went to the doctor. I told him everyone was saying I looked hellish, but that I felt great. He got down a big book, and began flipping through it. "Looks great, feels great; no, that's not it- looks hellish, feels hellish; no, that's not it; looks hellish, feels great- here we are; yep, that's what it is - you're a c**t".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 01:15 PM

I was in a customer's home one afternoon and
while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year
old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged
on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got
a new bicycle, do you want to see it?"

I said, "Sure Michelle."

So off to the back yard we went. Upon getting into
the back yard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle.
"Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle."
I complimented. "Can you ride it?"

"Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face
he pouted, "but it's broke."

I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything
wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?"

"I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it,
it falls down!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 03:12 PM

I'd appreciate feedback on these which come from the same Irish comedian. (WARNING If you KNOW who the comedian is, well, ....just.. y'know...don't,please.) I'd like to see if there are others who like this one.


   Casey: I'm a member of the Irish Secret Service, and I don't care who knows it.



   The teacher asked the little boy,
"Who in greek mythology was half man,half bull?"

"Would it be Buffalo Bill?"




My wife reads the death column in the paper every morning, and can't understand how people manage to die in alphabetical order.




Murphy was telling me that when he was in London, the taxi driver took him took a topless place. It was a pub with no roof on it. It rained all thru the meal and it took him two hours to finish his soup.



There was a notice on the door of O'Malley,the vet.

"Will be back shortly. Stay! Sit!"




Flanagan knocked on the door of O'Callaghan's house. The wife opened the door. Flanagan asked,"Is himself in?". The wife replied,"I'm afraid he passed away last week." Flanagan said,"Oh,I'm sorry to hear that but, before he passed on, did he say anything about a tin of brown paint?"


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Rog Peek
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 04:17 PM

Being British

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all?
Suspicion of anything Foreign.

Oh and...... Only in Britain .... Can a pizza get to your house Faster
than an ambulance.

Only in Britain .... Do supermarkets make sick People walk all the way
to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions While healthy
people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Britain ... Do People order double cheeseburgers, large fries
and a DIET coke.

Only in Britain .... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens
to the Counters.

Only in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on The
drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

Only in Britain .... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and
then have call Waiting so we won ' t miss a call from someone we didn ' t
want to talk to in The first place.

Only in Britain .... Are there disabled parking places in Front of a
skating rink.

NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing of A 9v battery works
on their tongue.

142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not Removing all pins from new
shirts.

58 Brits are injured each year by using Sharp knives instead of
screwdrivers.

31 Brits have died since 1996 by Watering their Christmas tree while
the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas
decorations were chocolate.

British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Cracker
pulling accidents.

101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of Plastic toys pulled
out of the soles of their feet.

18 Brits had serious Burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit
cigarette in their mouth.

A Massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after
opening Bottles of beer with their teeth.

5 Brits were injured last year in Accidents involving out of Control
Scalextric cars.

And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst
throwing up into the toilet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bert
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 05:32 PM

...took him two hours to finish his soup... I love it Autolyccus.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 06:28 PM

Only in Britain? No, all those things happen in America, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 10:27 PM

I was ready to say that every one of these sounded like "only in America", until I got to the Scalextric cars, wotever those are...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bert
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 11:25 PM

Slot racers.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 25 Nov 07 - 11:48 PM

"Slot racers."

that's the little electric cars that race on a track ... :-P


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 26 Nov 07 - 03:45 PM

Aye, Autolycus!

The same bloke (aah think) used te tell the one aboot deein' the Irish Times Crossword

1. A Mythical Animal, half man & Half beast (7,4)

2. A maritime Mammal (5,3)

3. What a seaside donkey has for lunch (4,2,4)


Answers

1. Buffalo Bill
2. Ships Cat
3. Half An Hour (aah just love that one!)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Nov 07 - 08:21 PM

actual encounter at the supermarket.

Have you tried these micro wave dinners called eating right, they have so much flavor I find them positively delicious.

OH yes I make them for my dog.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 27 Nov 07 - 09:41 AM

If you are ever chased by a police dog, don't crawl through a tunnel, run across a seesaw, or jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM

"Tae Kwon Do (and Don't!)"

A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft
and minding his own business when, without
provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!*
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop
from Korea!"

The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does
is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.

All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks
him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial
artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves the bar.

The little guy is gone for about 25 minutes. Then he
returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big
dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him. 'That was a crowbar from Sears'."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 27 Nov 07 - 12:51 PM

Just to get it off my chest, that little crop of jokes are from Hal Roach, contemporary not the silent film comedy director.

Hal is just funny to me and not too well known.


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 27 Nov 07 - 04:50 PM

There's aalwez somebody worse off than you!!

Imagine bein' a siameze twin and your other twin is gay but you're not.

And....

His lover is coming around tonight

And.....

You and your twin only have one arse between you


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Walrus
Date: 27 Nov 07 - 08:50 PM

Stolen from another site

Paris trip


An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysées with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Bobby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat.

Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends?

Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years.

Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse?

Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Bobby?

Bobby: Aye.

Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy.

Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap.

Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely.

Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Bobby?

Bobby: Aye.

Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe.

Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs

Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad?

Bobby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM

"How To Correctly Date Dinosaur Bones"

Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History
are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them
asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the
dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are three million, four
years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist.
"How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones
were three million years old when I started working
here, and that was four and a half years ago."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 28 Nov 07 - 10:07 AM

In a Goon Show from the 50s, they were excavating in the London Underground in one show.

Suddenly,

"Look at this skull."

"How old is it?"

"Two million years old."


Eccles," Ha    ppy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, ha......"


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 28 Nov 07 - 02:43 PM

By heck, Walrus!

That's a cracker and nee mistake


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Nov 07 - 09:27 AM

Senior Sex

The husband leans over the tavern table and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Okay," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again
and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.

Finally they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman is still watching, and thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing! I've got to ask them what their secret is." So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Nov 07 - 09:44 AM

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -
"What can you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 29 Nov 07 - 12:53 PM

A preacher based his sermons on teh evils of strong drink. He said "I'd like to take all the beer in the county and throw it in the river. I'd like to take all the wine in the county and throw it in the river. I'd like to take all the whiskey in the county and throw it in the river. Why, if I could I would throw all the alcohol in the state right in the river." Then the song leader got up and led the congregation in the singing of ..."Shall We Gather At The River".


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 29 Nov 07 - 04:56 PM

For anyone who might be interested, there is to be a Seminar on 'Time Travel - Myth Or Possibility'

The seminar will take place at The Festival Hall, London, UK last Thursday


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 09:14 AM

While I was visiting in a church in Mississippi,
the pastor announced that their prison quartet
would be singing the following evening. I wasn't
aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I
looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members
of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor
introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few
bars and always looking for the key."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 09:15 AM

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replies the Irishman.

With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.

Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."

She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 12:43 PM

A policeman noticed an older woman walking along the street.She was             carrying two large bags and twenty-dollar bills were falling out of one of them.
    "Excuse me, ma'am," said the policeman, "But why are those twenty-dollar bills in the bag?"
    "Well, officer", replied the woman,"You see, I live near a park behind a tavern and when the men come out for a piss I pull out this knife and say sixty dollars or I cut off your dick."
    "Well", relied the officer, laughing,"I guess there's really no law against making money that way but what's in the other bag?"
    "They don't all pay" she answered.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 30 Nov 07 - 05:49 PM

The first rule of driving across the desert is.....

If ye break down, DO NOT LEAVE THE VEHICLE - Stay on the road!

Well one bloke, driving across the desert broke down and he thought, "I'll just walk over that sand dune and see if there's an oasis close by"

Well! There isn't and as one sand dune looks like another - He gets lost

After two hours of stumbling around trying to find the road he sits down to wait for help, or death!

An hour later he sees a speck on the horizon and it appears to be moving.

After half an hour he can see that it IS moving towards him and it's another human being so he starts to run towards it.

After a further hour they meet and the the figure turns out to be an eskimo n full 'skins' driving a dog-sled.

"Am I glad to see you!" said the guy as the dog sled comes to a halt. "I'm lost!"

The eskimo looks at him and says, "YOU'RE lost???????"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Walrus
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 06:18 AM

Lenin's Return to Russia

Germany 1917, and the Germans were putting into effect their plan to knock Russia out of the Great War.
Lenin and the Bolsheviks were being sealed in their train to be transported across Germany and home to Russia.
As the War was still raging, they were forbidden from trying to speak to anyone outside of the train until they arrived

Eventually the train set off, held up at almost every junction as war material and troop trains had priority.
Naturally, after a day or two, the inhabitants of the train were getting a little impatient and wanting to know where they were.
When the train next stopped, Lenin opened a small hatch, pushed his hand out, waited a few minutes, pulled it back and announced "We're still in West Prussia"
The journey went on, many hours later, the same enquiry and the same procedure, the train stopped at signals, the hatch was opened and Lenin pushed his hand out, he pulled it back
"We're in East Prussia, the bit that saw fighting"
Hours passed and again the cry went up "Are we there yet?"
Again when the train stopped, Lenin thrust his hand out and withdrew it quite quickly, rubbing it on his trousers "We're in Poland!, I don't know if it's the German or Russian bit"
The train rumbled on and on and inevitably the question was asked again, once more, at signals Lenin thrusts his hand out, pulled back, looked at it and announced "Comrades - We are in Mother Russia!".

There was much cheering as the word passed down the train, all except for Trotsky who sat thet looking puzzled, eventually he leaned over
"OK Vlad, you've got me beat, how did you know where we were by just putting your hand out?"
"That's easy" replied Lenin, "The train is marked as a sealed train from Berlin to St Petersburg, to the Germans, that means it is important to the war. When I put my hand out in West Prussia, the locals shook it,
"When I put my hand out in East Prussia, the war weary people kissed it
"And when we were in Poland, I put my hand out and the locals spat on it"
"And how did you know we were back in Russia?" asked Trotsky
"That's easy " said Lenin "I put my hand out ... and some bastard stole my watch!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 10:30 AM

"Oi belong to the Irish Secret Service, and I don't care who knows it."


Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bentley
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 10:43 AM

A health warning for Christmas: DRINK! ITS GOOD 4 U

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.   
       In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.   
    However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
   
         Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
      Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:38 PM

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
            
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 04:38 AM

PS And alas, men too often don't know when speaking would be a good idea.


Little Johnny doesn't start speaking at the normal age. His parents assume he will, eventually.

At five, he does, at breakfast, when suddenly he says," Can you pass the jam, please."

His parents are amazed. Dad says,

"Johnny, you spoke, you can speak! Why have you not spoken before?"

The boy replies,"Up to now, I didn't have anything to say."

   
Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 08:13 AM

Another version of this goes:

Little Johnny doesn't start speaking at the normal age. Not a single word has ever passed his lips. His parents have had him to child psychologists, speech therapists, the lot, and they are nearly at the end of their tether.

One morning at breakfast, when he's seven years old, he suddenly blurts out, "Jeez, this porridge is bloody shite!"

His parents are amazed and delighted. Dad says, "Johnny, oh, thank God, you can speak! But tell us, why have you never spoken before?"

The boy replies, "Everything's been all right up to now!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 06:41 PM

Music joke.

background. Composer Gustav Mahler was thought in his day to lean too heavily on the tradition to the point of stealing stuff. ok,

    A boy is seen making his way up to Mahler's composing hut, carrying a load of scores of the masters of the past.

    A wag comments, "I see Herr Mahler is composing again."



Goodnight you lovely people.

   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:51 PM

Hello? I'm the last post but one and I'm a "Guest?" No I'm not! I'm Steve Shaw, I am a member and I post under my own name and have had dozens of posts so assigned. Who's nobbled me?!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:55 PM

Hello? Am I back?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:57 PM

Thank you! Who did that! I am doggedly anti-anonymity. I am the last two guests in this thread due to I don't know what. Humph!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Dec 07 - 09:13 PM

A soul has just arrived in heaven, and St Peter is showing him around.

They go past a banquet table where a bearded man is doing the honors with a roast suckling pig. "Those are pious Jews," St Peter explains. "They were not allowed to eat pork on earth, so they get to make up for it here."

Soon they pass a big round table with people sitting around it with steins of beer, singing hymns. "Those are hardshell baptists," he explains. "They were not allowed to drink beer on earth."

Then they find themselves walking by a formidable high wall with no gates and spikes on top. Sounds of roistering come from behind it. "Oh!" exclaims the newcomer. "Who lives there?" "Shhh!" says St Peter. "Those are Catholics. They think they're the only ones here."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:30 AM

I was tempted to post this as a song challenge, but here it is as a joke.

"Quality Control"

When you have one of those "I Hate My Job" days,
try this:

On your way home from work stop at your local
pharmacy and go to the thermometer section, and
purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson
& Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand. When you get
home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and
disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

Change into some very comfortable clothing and
sit in your favorite chair.

Open the package and remove the thermometer.
Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so
that it will not become chipped or broken.

Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from
the box and read it very carefully. You will notice that
in small print there is a statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson &
Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,
"I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer
quality control at Johnson & Johnson."

Have A Nice Day And Remember, There Is Always
Someone Else With A Job That Is More Of A Pain
In The Butt Than Yours!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:32 AM

"If My Body Were A Car"

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be
thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've
got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish
and my paint job is getting a little dull ....

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially
hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I
slip and slide and skid and bump into things
even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. .....
either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 09:05 AM

Male Customers At Lowes:

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Lowes customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag & Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree, and they get in the back seat.

On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat & starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Aug 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also Sept 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bainbo
Date: 03 Dec 07 - 04:33 PM

Province of Inhambane
Ministry of Fish and Wildlife
MOZAMBIQUE

WARNING


Due to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife,
Inhambane branch, Mozambique, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any
motorcyclists who use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related function to take
extra precautions while in the bush.

We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced
warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise.

We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry pepper spray with him or her in
case of an encounter with a lion.

Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the
difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains
lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit has bells in it, and smells like pepper.

Enjoy your stay in
MOZAMBIQUE


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:33 AM

CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS

1. Schizophrenia ---
Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder ---
We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia ---
I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic ---
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic ---
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees
and.....

6. Paranoid ---
Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder ---
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry,
I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder ---
Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy -
can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells,

11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder--
You better not cry - Oh yes I will
You better not Shout - I can if I want to
You better not pout - Can if I want to
I'm telling you why - Not listening
Santa Claus is coming to town
No he's not!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:49 AM

100!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 11:17 AM

That "100!" is a sign of compulsive-obsessive disorder.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 05:44 PM

>One of the partners of the accounting firm, Pincus, Markus and Bailey,
>is going through the accounts and suddenly realizes that Pinkus has
>been cooking the books. Since Pincus is right there, Bailey tells
>Marcus he's got something to tell him and to meet him outside. Once
>they're out on the street, Bailey turns to Markus and says, "Markus,
>Pincus fucked us." Just at that moment, two nuns happen to pass by.
>One of the nuns turns to the other and says, "My! They're talking
>Latin!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 02:54 PM

Latin, Eh?

Like the two nuns in the maternity home and one says,

"Longsince Benedictus"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 05:04 PM

Hello, Harper, Harper, Harper and Harper, may I help you?

   Can I speak to Mr.Harper?

   I'm sorry, his with a client.

   Well Mr.Harper, then?

   Sorry, he's in a meeting.

   How about Mr.Harper?

   He's away ill.

   Perhaps, if it's possible, Mr.Harper?

   Speaking.



    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 06:51 PM

supposedly found as graffiti in Pompeii:

Barber: "Sir, was your shirt red when you came in here?"
Client: "No."
Barber: "Well, then, I'm afraid I've cut your throat."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 07:34 PM

A man gets home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"I'm leaving you! I've just found out that you're a paedophile"
"Paedophile?" said he, "Paedophile? - That's a very long word for a nine year old"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 08:49 PM

An old man in the stands at the football game is staring at the young punk with his pants hanging down his butt, throwing his chest around, looking all tough, with a big ol' mohawk.

Kid catches his eye and says, "What you starin' at, old man?"

After a long pause, the man says, "Well, a long time ago, I f*&%@$ a chicken, and I'm just thinking you might be my son."

Dani (I'll be getting my hat,now)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 06:31 PM

How de ye pull a fat lass?

Piece of cake!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Neil D
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 09:58 PM

Two guys walked into a bar, so the third one ducked.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 08:01 AM

As it's the cold season, I thought this might amuse the ladies!
G


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 05:59 AM

Merry Christmas everybody.
G.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 08:54 AM

"Gravely Gift"

One year, a particular harried husband decided
to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you
still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 08:55 AM

"Real Christmas Gift"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of
those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was
I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Someone who ought to know better!
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 07:05 PM

I bought a teddy bear for $10
I named it Mohammed and sold it for $20
I think I made a prophet!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 04:17 PM

"Going, going,.... gone!"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with
a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take
at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags
on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow
cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 09:50 PM

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 07:05 AM

"Saying Grace At Holiday Meal"

Toto, the pastor's son is taken aside by his
mother who asks him to say grace at the
table before all the quests invited to the noon
meal.

He rebels: "But, Ma, what do I say?"

"Just repeat what you've heard me say so
many times..."

Toto stands and says in a loud voice:

"DEAR LORD, WHY DID I INVITE ALL THESE
PEOPLE?"


Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 12:52 PM

Why do we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree? What are we commemorating. Once, eons ago the angels were decorating heaven and one angel was running around with a pine tree bugging everyone. "Where should I put this tree" she cried, over and over, until finally someone told her.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 11 Dec 07 - 07:36 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 04:20 PM

"Moonlighting"

Sometimes there's not much work around. In times like
these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One
day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the
phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The
older one says, "Just between you and me, I've been
moonlighting lately as a medium."

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. "Really?"
he says. "I didn't know that you were psychic!"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not," confesses the older
man. "But what I did was rent a storefront and bought
a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then,
when people come in, I throw my voice and they think
that they're talking to their dead relatives."

"What a great idea!" says the young ventriloquist.

"You should try it too," suggests the first man. "You'll
see, it works great."

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little
storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban.
He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-
aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across
from the ventriloquist and asks him, "Can you put me in
touch with my long-lost husband?"

"I sure can!" he answers. "Why, for just a hundred
dollars, you can hear your husband speak to you from
behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you
that his voice might sound a little different, but that's
because he's talking to you from the spirit world."

"That's wonderful," says the woman eagerly.

"For a hundred and fifty dollars," the ventriloquist says,
"you could have a two-way conversation with your
husband, and talk back and forth with him."

The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks,
"You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear
departed Hubert?"

"Not only that," says the ventriloquist, getting just as
excited as the woman, "but for two hundred dollars,
you could actually carry on a two-way conversation
with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:07 PM

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:11 PM

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

(ducking and running for cover...)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM

The jokes above about a boy not talking until the age of five are derived, I believe (possibly erroneously) from John Stuart Mill who, apparently, performed exactly that feat. His first words were reputedly voiced at dinner one day when he exclaimed, "This soup has too much salt!" One of his astonished parents inquired why he had never spoken before to which the answer came, "Until now everything has been perfectly satisfactory."!

Or perhaps it was someone else.


Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM

"Fishing"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while
his parents went to town shopping. He decided
to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother
that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and
not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 05:13 PM

Some good tips to follow during the Holiday party season:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lo-oh!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember: 'Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'

Happy Holidays!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 08:15 PM

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians?

Everybody!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Dec 07 - 05:48 PM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange
for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy
Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by
his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe
he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles
at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says......................

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM

"University Traditions"

Here is a "true story" someone found regarding
exams at Cambridge University. It seems that
during an examination one day a bright young
student popped up and asked the proctor to bring
him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes
and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and
require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin
and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section
which read (roughly translated):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern
equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds
for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 08:52 PM

What did one snowman say to the other?












...do you smell carrots?


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 02:10 PM

Loved the optician and Sensitive man ones.


A woman gets into a rail carriage and sits down. There's also a man reading the paper.

After a while of looking at him, she says, "Excuse me." he puts the paper down. "Yes?" She says, "Sorry ro bother you but are you Jewish?"

"No", he says, and resumes reading.

After a few minutes she says,"Sorry, but aren't you Jewish?" "No" he says again, more firmly and reads on.

A longer pause then she says,"Really sorry to bother you." "What is it?" thus he testily, putting down his paper. "Are you sure you're not Jewish."

"Well", he says, "If you really must know, yes actually I am."

"Funny," she says,"To be honest with you,you don't look it."


   Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 08:33 AM

A couple was walking down the street in Hawaii one evening, and the husband says, "I'm really glad we chose Havaii for our Anniversary vacation!"

The wife says, "I am too, but it is pronounced 'Hawaii', not 'Havaii'."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you are wrong. It is definitely 'Havaii'," says the husband.

"No, you're wrong!" says the wife.

Well, this continues for a while and gets heated.

Finally they meet a man on the street and the husband explains the argument and asks him, "Is it pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?"

The man says, "Havaii."

The husband looks at his wife and says, "I told you so," and turns to the man and says, "Thank you."

The man turns to leave and says, "You're velcome"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bert
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 04:13 PM

In the news today.

"Bush Says Economy is safe and sound"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:12 PM

That was indeed funny, Bert!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM

"Tae Kwon Do (and Don't!)"

A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft
and minding his own business when, without
provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!*
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop
from Korea!"

The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does
is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.

All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks
him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial
artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves the bar.

The little guy is gone for about twenty-five minutes. Then he
returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big
dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him 'That was a crowbar from Sears'."

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

(And, no doubt, the familiar phrase "Up Yours!")


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:30 PM

Uncle DaveO: look at your own posts at 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM and then at 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM.

That's gotta be embarrassing! (I know 'cause I once did something similar.)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 02:10 AM

Now, now, Jim me lad - ha'e mercy, we're old men.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:11 AM

"That was a brain-fart, from left field!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 01:17 PM

I was depressed last night so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 04:48 PM

I was depressed last night, so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM

Dave O!

That's gotta be one of the longest echoes in the world!!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM

On the first day of the new school year, the sophomore English class had a new, very stern, teacher.

A hush fell over the room as the teacher panned his gaze across all the kids.

Finally, he spoke.

"There are two words that are unacceptable in my class, either orally or in your homework, papers, or tests. Use these words even once and your grade will be lowered one full letter. The first one is 'gross,' and the other is 'cool.' Are there any questions?"

One gawky teen raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the new teacher.

The teen asked, "So? What are the two words?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 07:41 PM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated,
waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he
stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane
starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then
the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the
end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally,
when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very
last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream
and we're gonna get killed!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:37 PM

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
about two feet tall."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 07 - 11:54 AM

Some people don't think proper punctuation is important. Here is something to set them straight:


Version I

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are
not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have
no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Version II

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you
are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are
not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you,
I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I
can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

q.e.d.

Dave Oestereich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 04:29 AM

Uncle_DaveO

I remember Shakespeare had one like that...

Ceaser entered; on his head
his helmet; on his breast
his ...


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 01:57 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve t he problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:19 PM

No wonder we made such a mess of bringing up today's kids.

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 07:39 AM

Just got this as a p/c at work.


   A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.He reduced his alitutde and spots a woman below. he descended a bit further and shouted,

   "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

   The woman replied,"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west logitude."

   "you must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

   "I am," replied the woman,"How did you know?"

   "Well," answered the balloonist,"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

   "I am,"the woman responded." And you must be in management."

   "I am," replied the balloonist,"but how do you know?"

   "Well", said the woman,"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are because of a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you're in the same position you were in before we met, but now. somehow, it's my fault!"


Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 09:38 AM

"You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west logitude."

I hope the woman was in a boat!

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 10:28 AM

"Some joke, eh boss?" (Chico Marx)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 05:00 PM

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, and all three died.

All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a Great Golden Chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?

The first coach said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was one of the best coaches in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."

The second coach stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight, and I've won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win six hundred games, and the people of Indiana think I am great."

God said, "Fine, Bobby, stand on my right side."

The third coach then stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Bowden, and I've won three hundred three games and counting. I have won the Tangerine Bowl, the Gator Bowl twice, the Peach Bowl twice, the Blockbuster Bowl, the All-American Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl twice, the Sugar Bowl three times, and the Orange Bowl three times. I won the national championship in 1993 and 1999. I have won eight consecutive ACC championships. I am the only coach in NCAA history to lead his team to thirteen straight seasons with both ten or more wins and a top-four finish in the AP poll. As to what people think about me, well, the people down in Tallahassee think you're sitting in my chair."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:08 AM

"Christmas Q & A"

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!!!!

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts
get?
Missile toe.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on
Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas
time?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

What is the Christmas message in these letters?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?
No "L" (Noel)

How come you never hear anything about the
10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive, the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names..."

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the
suit gets all the credit.

What is THE main reason Santa is so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 07:41 AM

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister."


Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 07:50 AM

The little girl sits on Father Christmas's knee and tells him what she wants for Christmas. As she's going, she says to him, "Now you won't forget, will you?". He reassures her.

   Later in the shopping, mother remembers some thing she forgot in that shop, and returns.

   The little girl sits on Father Christmas's knee again.

   "So what do you want for Christmas, young lady?"

   She jumps off his lap, and kicks him in the shin, shouting,"I thought you would forget!"


    Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: wlisk
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 11:48 AM

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 05:05 PM

"Calling the Doctor's Office"

Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was
met with this response by the secretary, "This
is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like
to talk about?"

Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and
replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger
with fries. For goodness sakes, why would I call
a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need
to see the doctor."

"Fine," replied the secretary. "I can make an
appointment for you. Let me see. Ah, yes, I have
an appointment one week from next Friday."

"Great," said Mrs. Jones. "I'll have my mortician
drop me off then!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 07:34 AM

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 09:04 AM

The husband explains he and his wife have solved the contraception problem.

"We just keep a wooden board the length of the bed between us."

he's asked 'what happens if you and your wife have a desire for each other.'

"It's quite simple. We move the board out of the way."

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 09:25 AM

"Health Alert"

There is a dangerous virus being passed around
electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your
colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your
jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest
grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK
has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you
do not have 5 friends, you have already been
infected and WORK is controlling your life.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM

LOLOLOL,Uncle.

Does the heart good of anyone with Moon in Libra.

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 03:23 AM

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a female friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a male friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 06:29 AM

marvellous Bee-dubya.

please allow my enjoyment to be my present on your birthday

Ivor


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM

"Generous Offer"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long
years, was finally granted two months leave,
during which time he would be fully paid.
However, he turned down his boss's kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such
a generous offer?"

The newspaper writer said there were two reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking
such a long leave might affect the newspaper's
circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I
thought my taking such a long leave might NOT
affect the newspaper's circulation."

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 09:50 AM

Build up: Describe depravity as only you can for 3 minutes

Punchline: they call themselves the aristocrats.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 03:44 AM

Time, ladies and gentlemen, to close this thread and continue with the First Joke Thread for 2008


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