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BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.

Wilfried Schaum 11 Oct 07 - 09:50 AM
Wilfried Schaum 11 Oct 07 - 09:54 AM
Peace 11 Oct 07 - 09:58 AM
Peace 11 Oct 07 - 10:07 AM
GUEST,BobL 11 Oct 07 - 11:26 AM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Oct 07 - 04:31 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:24 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:28 PM
Bill D 11 Oct 07 - 07:31 PM
Roger the Skiffler 12 Oct 07 - 10:06 AM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Oct 07 - 10:51 AM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Oct 07 - 08:34 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 13 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM
Mickey191 13 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 14 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Oct 07 - 09:04 AM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Oct 07 - 04:49 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 16 Oct 07 - 01:07 PM
topical tom 16 Oct 07 - 04:20 PM
gnu 16 Oct 07 - 07:04 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Oct 07 - 06:36 PM
wlisk 21 Oct 07 - 09:13 PM
Wesley S 24 Oct 07 - 10:12 AM
The Fooles Troupe 28 Oct 07 - 09:00 AM
Roger the Skiffler 01 Nov 07 - 10:32 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 01 Nov 07 - 01:56 PM
topical tom 01 Nov 07 - 05:20 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 01 Nov 07 - 08:26 PM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Nov 07 - 06:45 PM
bobad 04 Nov 07 - 06:52 PM
The Fooles Troupe 05 Nov 07 - 02:10 AM
Geordie-Peorgie 05 Nov 07 - 02:28 PM
Steve Shaw 05 Nov 07 - 08:38 PM
topical tom 06 Nov 07 - 05:26 PM
Wesley S 07 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:37 PM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM
Schantieman 07 Nov 07 - 01:39 PM
GUEST,Les B. 07 Nov 07 - 11:28 PM
Wilfried Schaum 09 Nov 07 - 05:34 AM
bobad 13 Nov 07 - 09:57 PM
topical tom 13 Nov 07 - 11:40 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 14 Nov 07 - 06:54 AM
Mrrzy 14 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM
Sooz 14 Nov 07 - 12:39 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Nov 07 - 01:14 PM
autolycus 15 Nov 07 - 04:47 PM
PeadarOfPortsmouth 15 Nov 07 - 05:48 PM
dick greenhaus 15 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM
JeZeBeL 16 Nov 07 - 04:25 AM

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Subject: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:50 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I don't find the title Koke Thread funny anymore. So everybody using the search machine will find the jokes and clicking away from here the Koke Thread, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:54 AM

- I've seen your wife with another man more than once!
- Yes, I know.
- Won't you beat him up?
- I'm waiting.
- What for?
- Till I meet her with a smaller one.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 09:58 AM

I don't get it.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 10:07 AM

I don't get the first post.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 11:26 AM

Of course you don't, they're on strike


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 04:31 PM

"Brake Fluid"

A mechanic was working under a car and some
brake fluid dripped into his mouth.

"Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting," he thought.

The next day, he told his buddy about tasting the
brake fluid. "It was pretty good, really. I think I'll
have a little more today."

His friend was a little concerned, but didn't say
anything.

The next day, "Hey, I drank a whole glass of brake
fluid. Great stuff! I'm going to have more."

A few days later, he was up to a bottle a day.

"You know," said his buddy, "that brake fluid is
poison and really bad for you. You better cut out
drinking that stuff."

"Hey, no problem. I can stop any time!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:24 PM

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:28 PM

Back in the olden days when Samurai were important, there was a powerful Japanese Emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world of that time that he was searching for a CHIEF Samurai.

A year passed, but only 3 people applied for the very demanding * 1. a Japanese Samurai, 2. a Chinese Samurai and 3. a Jewish Samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief Samurai.

The Japanese Samurai opened a match box, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword, and the bumblebee dropped dead on the ground.

The emperor exclaimed "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese Samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.

The Chinese samurai also opened a match box and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, Whoosh! Whoosh! Whoosh! And the fly dropped dead on the ground in four small pieces.

The emperor exclaimed: "That is VERY impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish Samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the Chief Samurai.

The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh! But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said: "Very ambitious!, but why is that gnat not dead?"

The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said: "Circumcision is not meant to kill."


(semi-funny, if you allow the silly premises that there WERE Samurais other than japanese)


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 11 Oct 07 - 07:31 PM

one more:

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:06 AM

Not sure if these have been posted before...

Everything I need to know about life,
I learned from Noah's Ark...


One: Don't miss the boat.

Two: Remember that we are all in the same boat.

Three: Plan ahead. It wasn't raining when Noah built the Ark.

Four: Stay fit. When you're 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.

Five: Don't listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.

Six: Build your future on high ground.

Seven: For safety's sake, travel in pairs.

Eight: Speed isn't always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.

Nine: When you're stressed, float a while.

Ten: Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.

RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 07 - 10:51 AM

"Hormone Treatments"

A man went to an internist and complained of
listlessness. After a thorough examination, the
doctor said, "You ought to try some hormones."

"Like they give to women?" the patient asked,
dumbfounded. "Are you serious?"

"Everybody uses hormones and for different purposes.
They even give them to racehorses." replied the doctor.

The patient agreed to a shot and returned two weeks
later for a follow-up visit. The Doctor asked if they worked.

The patient replied, "You bet they did but, not exactly as
I planned. Yesterday, I ran six furlongs in one-ten !"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 08:34 AM

"Worst Speller"

Fourth-grader Larry was an "A" student in arithmetic,
but he was the worst speller in the class.

The teacher had him at the blackboard one day,
trying to teach him to spell. He was really having
difficulty with a word when one of his classmates
blurted out, "Add an 'e', Larry."

Frustrated, Larry said, "I'm not adding... I'm spelling."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 10:53 AM

Two American soldiers on patrol at 4am in Baghdad

One says, "It's chilly this morning"

The other replies, "No! I don't think we've finished in Afghanistan yet"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mickey191
Date: 13 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM

Two for Free!

Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe.
Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"
She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They're full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they're firm and don't sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming?
That was me." >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

A couple meet in a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go back to the woman's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again. Watching him, the woman says, "You must be a dentist Surprised, the guy responds, "Yes how did you figure that out?" "Easy," she replies, "you keep washing your hands." One thing leads to another and they make love. Once they're done, the woman says, "You must be a really good dentist." The guy, now with a boosted ego, says,

"Well yes, I am a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
She replied .... "I Didn't feel a thing"  


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Oct 07 - 11:08 AM

"Becoming a Member"

There was a little old cleaning woman that went to the local
church. When the invitation was given at the end of the
service, she went forward wanting to become a member.
The pastor listened as she told him how she had accepted
Jesus and wanted to be baptized and become a member of
the church. The pastor thought to himself, "Oh my, she is
so unkempt, even smells a little, and her fingernails are not
clean. She picks up garbage, cleans toilets - what would the
members think of her?" He told her that she needed to go
home and pray about it and then decide.

The following week, here she came again. She told the pastor
that she had prayed about it and still wanted to be baptized.
"I have passed this church for so long. It is so beautiful, and
I truly want to become a member."

Again the pastor told her to go home and pray some more.

A few weeks later while out eating at the restaurant, the pastor
saw the little old lady. He did not want her to think that he was
ignoring her so he approached her and said, "I have not seen
you for a while. Is everything all right?"

"Oh, yes," she said. "I talked with Jesus, and he told me not
to worry about becoming a member of your church."

"He did?" said the pastor.

"Oh, yes" she replied. "He said even He hasn't been able to
get into your church yet, and He's been trying for years."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 09:04 AM

"Tough Ice Fishing"

There were two old boys who love to fish, and they
wanted to do some ice fishing. They'd heard about
it up in Canada, and they took off up there. The lake
was frozen nicely. They stopped just before they got
to the lake at a little bait shop and got all their tackle.
One of them said, "We're going to need an ice pick."

So they got that, and they took off. In about two hours,
one of them was back at the shop and said, "We're going
to need another dozen ice picks." Well, the fellow in the
shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He
sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back. Said, "We're going to
need all the ice picks you've got."

The fellow couldn't stand it any longer. "By the way,"
he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not very well at all," he said. "We don't even have the
boat in the water yet."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 07 - 04:49 PM

"Chinese Surprise"

A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant
and orders the Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings
the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the
wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises
lightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking
around before the lid slams back down.

"Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches
for it and again, the lid rises and he sees two little eyes
looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what
is happening and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"

"Chicken Surprise."

"Ah, so sorry. I bring you Peeking Duck."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 01:07 PM

Running Doe , a young Native American woman went to a doctor for her first ever physical exam. After checking all of her vitals and running the usual tests, the doctor said, "Well, Running Doe, you are in fine health. I could find no problems. I did notice one abnormality however."

"Oh, what is that, Doctor?"

"Well, you have no nipples."

"None of the people in my tribe have nipples," she replied.

"That is amazing," said the doctor. "I'd like to write this up for The South Dakota Journal of Medicine, if you don't mind."

She said, "OK."

"First of all," asked the doctor, "how many people are in your tribe?"

She answered, "Approximately 500."

"And what is the name of your tribe?" asked the doctor.

Running Doe replied, "We're called...
>
>
>
>
>
The Indian Nippleless Five Hundred"
===========================


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 04:20 PM

Bill D, in reference to the joke about the bodies I also heard Utah Philips tell it about Bella Apzug, the activist. In his version she said, "For God's sake, don't dig up the back yard; that's where the guns are buried.
       Thanks to the FBI, Utah recounted, Bella was at last able to plant her potatoes. Just another version.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: gnu
Date: 16 Oct 07 - 07:04 PM

And another.... call to the RCMP that Garge has grass hidden inside the firewood that was delivered... not spilt or piled.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 07 - 06:36 PM

"Original Hollywood Squares"

If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when the "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: wlisk
Date: 21 Oct 07 - 09:13 PM

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really! What'd he say?"

"He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?' "


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 Oct 07 - 10:12 AM

Two families moved from Afghanistan to America. When they arrived, the two fathers made a bet ... After a year's time, whichever family had become more Americanized would win the bet.

A year later they got together. The first man said, "My son is playing baseball, I ate at McDonald's for breakfast and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?"

The second man replied, "Screw you, towel head."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Oct 07 - 09:00 AM

As I've Matured...   


I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...

I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.   

I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.

I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it

I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 10:32 AM

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN


NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY AND FINALLY TRUEST TRUISM OF ALL

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !




RtS
(and one on a card I got for my birthday on Oxi Day : "We can't get rid of women, who else would remember birthdays?")
"Now I'm 64"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 01:56 PM

A man's ideal vacation is to drive 100 miles into the wilderness, sleep in a tent, get up at the crack of dawn, cook bacon and eggs over a campfire, and spend the rest of the day hiking, hunting or fishing.

A woman's ideal vacation is to fly to a distant city, check into a first-class hotel, sleep late, order breakfast from room service (she'll have the fruit compote), and spend the rest of the day shopping.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 05:20 PM

An older man walked into a medical centre and the secretary asked him "Can I help you?"
   "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
   "Oh, sir,"she said, "You mustn't talk like that here.You could say "There's something wrong with my arm or my ear orleg."Now go out and come in again and try."
    Dutifully the old man went out, came in again and said"There's something wrong with my ear."
    "What seems to be the problem?" she asked.
    "Well" he replied, "I can't piss out of it."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 01 Nov 07 - 08:26 PM

Man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night"

His wife is intrigued and wants to know more

He says "I dreamed you got hit by a train and I pissed myself laughing"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 06:45 PM

"Relationships Are Hard"

Bob and Bill were sitting in a bar, and Bob was
looking really down in the dumps.

"What's the matter?" Bill asked.

"I don't get it," Bob sighed. "The dating scene is
so confusing. There are so many damn people you
have to please. Like this one woman, she liked me,
her mom liked me, but her father hated me.

Then there was this other woman, both of her parents
really liked me, but SHE didn't like me.

And then there was this woman I met last night. She
absolutely loved me, her parents seemed to really
like me too, BUT her husband couldn't stand me!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: bobad
Date: 04 Nov 07 - 06:52 PM

1st. guy - "I'm seeing spots"
2nd. guy - "Have you seen a doctor?"
1st. guy - "No, just spots."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 02:10 AM

A grandmother phoned the local hospital and timidly asked "Is there someone I could speak to so I could find out how a patient is progressing?" The operator replied "I'll be glad to help, what is the patient's name and room number?"

The grandmother in her tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay. room 302."The operator said "Let me place you on hold for a minute while I check with the Nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned with "Oh! good news her nurse has told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine and her Doctor has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The grandmother said "Thamk you, that's wonderful. I was worried! God bless you for the good news." The operator replied "You are more than welcome, is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said "No. I'm Norma Findlay in room 302. No one tells me a #@^&* thing."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 02:28 PM

Bloke goes for an eye test.

The oprician says "Have your eyes ever been checked before"

Bloke says, "No! They've always been blue"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 07 - 08:38 PM

From The Guardian mag on Saturday.

Bloke goes to fancy-dress party, but he's in his normal clothes except that he's carrying a young, completely naked woman on his back.

The host says to him, "What have you come as, then?"

Chap says, "I've come as a tortoise!"

Host says, "How do you make that out then? You're in your normal clothes but you just have a naked girl on your back!"

"Yeah," says the bloke. "That's Michelle!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 06 Nov 07 - 05:26 PM

Woman in the pediatrician's office;" Doctor, Cecil doesn't want to breast-feed any more."

    The doctor asks the woman to strip to the waist and he examines her breasts thoroughly. He then tells her that all seems to be in order and asks her as the mother if her eatng and drinking habits have changed in any way.

    "Oh, I'm not her mother<" she replied. "I'm her grandmother but I'm sure glad I came."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wesley S
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM

When Bob found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.   So, one
evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:37 PM

So this fellow goes to the doctor, with one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard. As he sits down the doctor says to him,

"Do you know you've got one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard?"

"Pardon?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:38 PM

....he says,

"Do you know you've got one ear full of sponge and the other full of custard?"

"Sorry," replies the patient, "You'll have to speak up - I'm a trifle deaf."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 01:39 PM

Then the doctor notices that his patient also has a carrot up his nose and mashed potato smeared over his forehead.

"I can see what's the matter with you", remarks the doctor

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"You're not eating properly"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Les B.
Date: 07 Nov 07 - 11:28 PM

A young Alabama man goes to a drug store and says to the pharmacist,
"I got a hot date tonight and I need some pertection. How much is a
pack of dem rubbers gonna cost me?" The pharmacist responds, "A
three-pack of condoms is $4.99 with tax."

      "TACKS" the shocked redneck responds.

      "Gawd a'mighty, don't they stay on by themselves?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 09 Nov 07 - 05:34 AM

A joiner is mending some pews in his local church. Hitting his thumb hard ye yells: "Heavenscrosstempestgodsbloodsacramentanddamnedagain ..." when he is interrupted by his minister and reproached: "My son, are you not ashamed to swear so blasphemingly in The Lord's Own House? Can you not, like any other decent Christian, simply say: shit?"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: bobad
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 09:57 PM

These Weapons Of Mass Destruction cannot be displayed


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: topical tom
Date: 13 Nov 07 - 11:40 PM

A tv repairman was called to a house one day. The woman of the house said to him, "I own a huge, vicious-looking dog but he will not harm you.But for God's sake do not speak to the parrot I own. Promise, okay?"
       The repairman assured her that he would follow her orders.
       Upon entering the house the repairman was not bothered by the dog but the parrot screamed vulgarities and insults continuously.
       "Oh, for heaven's sake," shouted the repairman,"Will you shut your filthy mouth!"
       To which the parrot screamed, Sic 'im, Bruno!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 06:54 AM

There was a teacher arrested for carrying a slide rule, book of logarithms and a calculator

He was charged with having instruments of maths instruction


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 09:20 AM

Bobad - now THAT's funny!


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Sooz
Date: 14 Nov 07 - 12:39 PM

A young blonde was on vacation and driving through the Everglades

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst
way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors
were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude
of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll
just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes
for free!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go
and give it a try!"


The blonde headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an
alligator.


Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to
the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing
waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.

With lightning speed she takes aim, shoots the creature dead, and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead alligators, all lying on their
backs.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in stunned amazement.
The blonde struggled and flipped the gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration, she
shouts out ..


"SHIT!!! ... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 01:14 PM

A child once explained why Adam and Eve were
expelled from the Garden of Eden. His explanation
went like this:

"One day Cain and Abel were talking to their father,
Adam, and asked him just why it was they couldn't
go back to the Garden.

"After thinking for a moment, Adam said, 'Well, boys,
it's like this: Your mother and I sort of ate ourselves
out of house and home.' "


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:47 PM

Why do men have transparent lunchboxes?





   So they know whether they're going TO work or coming home FROM work



       Ivorrrrrrrr


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: PeadarOfPortsmouth
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:48 PM

Two drunks are sitting in the local pub, enjoying a leisurely afternoon of drinking.

After a while, the pub owner's dog -- a big German shepard of a thing -- comes in the door, circles the pub a few times and finally settles down by the fireplace. The dog starts to clean itself and eventually gets to its nether regions.

After watching the dog for a minute, the first drunk says to his friend "You know, I wish I was able to do that."

Through drunken eyes his friend looks at him, looks at the dog, and then turns back to say,

"Well, you better pet him first, 'cuz he looks a bit mean."


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:51 PM

Pierre, a heroic French fighter pilot home on 24-hour leave, takes his new
girlfriend, Marie, out for a picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful
day and love is in the air.

Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!" Pierre grabs a
bottle of Merlot and splashes some on Marie's enticing crimson lips.

"What are you doing, Pierre?" says the startled Marie.

"I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have
red wine!"

She smiles and they start kissing. Things begin to heat up a little and
Marie says coyly, "Pierre, you may kiss me lower."

Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on
her white alabaster breasts.

"Pierre!! What are you doing now?" asks the bewildered Marie.

"I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I
have white wine!"

"Oh!" She exclaims, and they resume their passionate interlude. Things
really start to steam up and it's not long before Marie leans close to his
ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower -- much lower!"

Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her
lap. He then strikes a match and sets the cognac on fire.

Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie
throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, "PIERRE, WHAT DO YOU
THINK YOU'RE DOING!?"

Our hero stands and says defiantly, "I am Pierre, the heroic French fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!"


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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: JeZeBeL
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 04:25 AM

What does it mean when the man lying in bed next to you is gasping for breathe and calling out your name?


.........


.......

You haven't kept the pillow on his face long enough!!!!


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