Lyrics & Knowledge Personal Pages Record Shop Auction Links Radio & Media Kids Membership Help
The Mudcat Cafesj

Post to this Thread - Printer Friendly - Home
Page: [1] [2] [3] [4]


BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.

Wilfried Schaum 07 Jan 08 - 03:44 AM
Donuel 31 Dec 07 - 09:50 AM
Uncle_DaveO 31 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM
autolycus 31 Dec 07 - 06:29 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 31 Dec 07 - 03:23 AM
autolycus 30 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM
Uncle_DaveO 30 Dec 07 - 09:25 AM
autolycus 30 Dec 07 - 09:04 AM
The Fooles Troupe 30 Dec 07 - 07:34 AM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Dec 07 - 05:05 PM
wlisk 26 Dec 07 - 11:48 AM
autolycus 26 Dec 07 - 07:50 AM
The Fooles Troupe 26 Dec 07 - 07:41 AM
Uncle_DaveO 24 Dec 07 - 09:08 AM
Uncle_DaveO 23 Dec 07 - 05:00 PM
autolycus 23 Dec 07 - 10:28 AM
Doug Chadwick 23 Dec 07 - 09:38 AM
autolycus 23 Dec 07 - 07:39 AM
John MacKenzie 21 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM
Doug Chadwick 20 Dec 07 - 07:19 PM
Uncle_DaveO 20 Dec 07 - 01:57 PM
The Fooles Troupe 20 Dec 07 - 04:29 AM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Dec 07 - 11:54 AM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 09:37 PM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 07:41 PM
Bill D 18 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 18 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 04:48 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 01:17 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Dec 07 - 09:11 AM
Wilfried Schaum 18 Dec 07 - 02:10 AM
Jim Dixon 17 Dec 07 - 07:30 PM
GUEST,TJ in San Diego 17 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 07:12 PM
Bert 17 Dec 07 - 04:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Dec 07 - 08:33 AM
autolycus 16 Dec 07 - 02:10 PM
Mrrzy 15 Dec 07 - 08:52 PM
Uncle_DaveO 15 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM
dick greenhaus 14 Dec 07 - 05:48 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 13 Dec 07 - 08:15 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Dec 07 - 05:13 PM
Uncle_DaveO 13 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM
Schantieman 13 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM
Mrrzy 12 Dec 07 - 10:11 PM
Mrrzy 12 Dec 07 - 10:07 PM
Uncle_DaveO 12 Dec 07 - 04:20 PM
Geordie-Peorgie 11 Dec 07 - 07:36 PM
GUEST,Neil D 10 Dec 07 - 12:52 PM

Share Thread
more
Lyrics & Knowledge Search [Advanced]
DT  Forum
Sort (Forum) by:relevance date
DT Lyrics:













Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 07 Jan 08 - 03:44 AM

Time, ladies and gentlemen, to close this thread and continue with the First Joke Thread for 2008


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 09:50 AM

Build up: Describe depravity as only you can for 3 minutes

Punchline: they call themselves the aristocrats.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM

"Generous Offer"

A newspaper writer, after working for 17 long
years, was finally granted two months leave,
during which time he would be fully paid.
However, he turned down his boss's kind offer.

The boss asked, "Why would you turn down such
a generous offer?"

The newspaper writer said there were two reasons.

"Well, what are they?" asked the boss.

"The first," he said, "is that I thought that my taking
such a long leave might affect the newspaper's
circulation."

The boss asked him what the other reason was.

"The other reason," replied the writer, "is that I
thought my taking such a long leave might NOT
affect the newspaper's circulation."

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 06:29 AM

marvellous Bee-dubya.

please allow my enjoyment to be my present on your birthday

Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Dec 07 - 03:23 AM

A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a female friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a male friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM

LOLOLOL,Uncle.

Does the heart good of anyone with Moon in Libra.

Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 09:25 AM

"Health Alert"

There is a dangerous virus being passed around
electronically, orally, and by hand.

This virus is called Weary-Overload-Recreational-Killer
(WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your
colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means
DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your
private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your
jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest
grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as
Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK
has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you
do not have 5 friends, you have already been
infected and WORK is controlling your life.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 09:04 AM

The husband explains he and his wife have solved the contraception problem.

"We just keep a wooden board the length of the bed between us."

he's asked 'what happens if you and your wife have a desire for each other.'

"It's quite simple. We move the board out of the way."

Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 30 Dec 07 - 07:34 AM

A man took his Rottweiler to the vet and said to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for it?"

"Well," said the vet "let's have a look at him" The vet picks the dog up by the ears and has a good look at its eyes.

"Well," says the vet "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Just because he's cross-eyed?" say's the man.

"No, because he's heavy," says the vet.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 07 - 05:05 PM

"Calling the Doctor's Office"

Mrs. Jones called the doctor's office and was
met with this response by the secretary, "This
is Dr. Whitman's office. What would you like
to talk about?"

Mrs. Jones was disturbed by this response and
replied sarcastically, "I want to order a hamburger
with fries. For goodness sakes, why would I call
a doctor if I didn't feel sick? I'm very sick. I need
to see the doctor."

"Fine," replied the secretary. "I can make an
appointment for you. Let me see. Ah, yes, I have
an appointment one week from next Friday."

"Great," said Mrs. Jones. "I'll have my mortician
drop me off then!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: wlisk
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 11:48 AM

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 07:50 AM

The little girl sits on Father Christmas's knee and tells him what she wants for Christmas. As she's going, she says to him, "Now you won't forget, will you?". He reassures her.

   Later in the shopping, mother remembers some thing she forgot in that shop, and returns.

   The little girl sits on Father Christmas's knee again.

   "So what do you want for Christmas, young lady?"

   She jumps off his lap, and kicks him in the shin, shouting,"I thought you would forget!"


    Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 26 Dec 07 - 07:41 AM

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Claus, "Please send me a sister."


Santa Claus wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Dec 07 - 09:08 AM

"Christmas Q & A"

Who brings the Christmas presents to police stations?
Santa Clues.

What's red and white and falls down the chimney?
Santa Klutz!!!!

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts
get?
Missile toe.

Why is it so cold at Christmas?
It's in Decembrrrrr.

What does Rudolph want for Christmas?
A pony sleigh station

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

What nationality is Santa Claus?
North Polish.

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
He wanted to sleep like a log.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer?
Because every buck is dear to him.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on
Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas
time?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

What is the Christmas message in these letters?
ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ?
No "L" (Noel)

How come you never hear anything about the
10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive, the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names..."

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the
suit gets all the credit.

What is THE main reason Santa is so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 05:00 PM

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, and all three died.

All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a Great Golden Chair. God motioned for one of them to come into the clouds. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? What did people think of you?

The first coach said, "I'm Rick Pitino. I was one of the best coaches in the nation. I won an SEC Championship and turned the program around to a fairly respectable one. The people of Kentucky think I'm great."

God said, "Fine, Rick, stand on my left side."

The second coach stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Knight, and I've won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am Games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, and I was the youngest coach ever to win six hundred games, and the people of Indiana think I am great."

God said, "Fine, Bobby, stand on my right side."

The third coach then stood before God and said, "I'm Bobby Bowden, and I've won three hundred three games and counting. I have won the Tangerine Bowl, the Gator Bowl twice, the Peach Bowl twice, the Blockbuster Bowl, the All-American Bowl, the Cotton Bowl, the Fiesta Bowl twice, the Sugar Bowl three times, and the Orange Bowl three times. I won the national championship in 1993 and 1999. I have won eight consecutive ACC championships. I am the only coach in NCAA history to lead his team to thirteen straight seasons with both ten or more wins and a top-four finish in the AP poll. As to what people think about me, well, the people down in Tallahassee think you're sitting in my chair."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 10:28 AM

"Some joke, eh boss?" (Chico Marx)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 09:38 AM

"You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west logitude."

I hope the woman was in a boat!

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 07:39 AM

Just got this as a p/c at work.


   A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.He reduced his alitutde and spots a woman below. he descended a bit further and shouted,

   "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

   The woman replied,"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west logitude."

   "you must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

   "I am," replied the woman,"How did you know?"

   "Well," answered the balloonist,"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

   "I am,"the woman responded." And you must be in management."

   "I am," replied the balloonist,"but how do you know?"

   "Well", said the woman,"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are because of a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you're in the same position you were in before we met, but now. somehow, it's my fault!"


Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:19 PM

No wonder we made such a mess of bringing up today's kids.

DC


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 01:57 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve t he problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 04:29 AM

Uncle_DaveO

I remember Shakespeare had one like that...

Ceaser entered; on his head
his helmet; on his breast
his ...


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 07 - 11:54 AM

Some people don't think proper punctuation is important. Here is something to set them straight:


Version I

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are
not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have
no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Version II

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you
are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are
not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you,
I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I
can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

q.e.d.

Dave Oestereich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:37 PM

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
about two feet tall."


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 07:41 PM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated,
waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he
stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane
starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then
the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the
end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally,
when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very
last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream
and we're gonna get killed!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM

On the first day of the new school year, the sophomore English class had a new, very stern, teacher.

A hush fell over the room as the teacher panned his gaze across all the kids.

Finally, he spoke.

"There are two words that are unacceptable in my class, either orally or in your homework, papers, or tests. Use these words even once and your grade will be lowered one full letter. The first one is 'gross,' and the other is 'cool.' Are there any questions?"

One gawky teen raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the new teacher.

The teen asked, "So? What are the two words?"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM

Dave O!

That's gotta be one of the longest echoes in the world!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 04:48 PM

I was depressed last night, so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 01:17 PM

I was depressed last night so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:11 AM

"That was a brain-fart, from left field!"

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 02:10 AM

Now, now, Jim me lad - ha'e mercy, we're old men.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:30 PM

Uncle DaveO: look at your own posts at 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM and then at 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM.

That's gotta be embarrassing! (I know 'cause I once did something similar.)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

(And, no doubt, the familiar phrase "Up Yours!")


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM

"Tae Kwon Do (and Don't!)"

A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft
and minding his own business when, without
provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!*
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop
from Korea!"

The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does
is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.

All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks
him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial
artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves the bar.

The little guy is gone for about twenty-five minutes. Then he
returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big
dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him 'That was a crowbar from Sears'."

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:12 PM

That was indeed funny, Bert!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bert
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 04:13 PM

In the news today.

"Bush Says Economy is safe and sound"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 08:33 AM

A couple was walking down the street in Hawaii one evening, and the husband says, "I'm really glad we chose Havaii for our Anniversary vacation!"

The wife says, "I am too, but it is pronounced 'Hawaii', not 'Havaii'."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you are wrong. It is definitely 'Havaii'," says the husband.

"No, you're wrong!" says the wife.

Well, this continues for a while and gets heated.

Finally they meet a man on the street and the husband explains the argument and asks him, "Is it pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?"

The man says, "Havaii."

The husband looks at his wife and says, "I told you so," and turns to the man and says, "Thank you."

The man turns to leave and says, "You're velcome"

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 02:10 PM

Loved the optician and Sensitive man ones.


A woman gets into a rail carriage and sits down. There's also a man reading the paper.

After a while of looking at him, she says, "Excuse me." he puts the paper down. "Yes?" She says, "Sorry ro bother you but are you Jewish?"

"No", he says, and resumes reading.

After a few minutes she says,"Sorry, but aren't you Jewish?" "No" he says again, more firmly and reads on.

A longer pause then she says,"Really sorry to bother you." "What is it?" thus he testily, putting down his paper. "Are you sure you're not Jewish."

"Well", he says, "If you really must know, yes actually I am."

"Funny," she says,"To be honest with you,you don't look it."


   Ivor


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 08:52 PM

What did one snowman say to the other?












...do you smell carrots?


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM

"University Traditions"

Here is a "true story" someone found regarding
exams at Cambridge University. It seems that
during an examination one day a bright young
student popped up and asked the proctor to bring
him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes
and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and
require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin
and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section
which read (roughly translated):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern
equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds
for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Dec 07 - 05:48 PM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange
for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy
Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by
his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe
he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles
at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says......................

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 08:15 PM

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians?

Everybody!!!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 05:13 PM

Some good tips to follow during the Holiday party season:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lo-oh!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember: 'Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'

Happy Holidays!


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM

"Fishing"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while
his parents went to town shopping. He decided
to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother
that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and
not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Dave Oesterreich


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM

The jokes above about a boy not talking until the age of five are derived, I believe (possibly erroneously) from John Stuart Mill who, apparently, performed exactly that feat. His first words were reputedly voiced at dinner one day when he exclaimed, "This soup has too much salt!" One of his astonished parents inquired why he had never spoken before to which the answer came, "Until now everything has been perfectly satisfactory."!

Or perhaps it was someone else.


Steve


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:11 PM

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

(ducking and running for cover...)


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:07 PM

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 04:20 PM

"Moonlighting"

Sometimes there's not much work around. In times like
these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One
day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the
phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The
older one says, "Just between you and me, I've been
moonlighting lately as a medium."

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. "Really?"
he says. "I didn't know that you were psychic!"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not," confesses the older
man. "But what I did was rent a storefront and bought
a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then,
when people come in, I throw my voice and they think
that they're talking to their dead relatives."

"What a great idea!" says the young ventriloquist.

"You should try it too," suggests the first man. "You'll
see, it works great."

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little
storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban.
He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-
aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across
from the ventriloquist and asks him, "Can you put me in
touch with my long-lost husband?"

"I sure can!" he answers. "Why, for just a hundred
dollars, you can hear your husband speak to you from
behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you
that his voice might sound a little different, but that's
because he's talking to you from the spirit world."

"That's wonderful," says the woman eagerly.

"For a hundred and fifty dollars," the ventriloquist says,
"you could have a two-way conversation with your
husband, and talk back and forth with him."

The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks,
"You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear
departed Hubert?"

"Not only that," says the ventriloquist, getting just as
excited as the woman, "but for two hundred dollars,
you could actually carry on a two-way conversation
with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water!"


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 11 Dec 07 - 07:36 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 12:52 PM

Why do we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree? What are we commemorating. Once, eons ago the angels were decorating heaven and one angel was running around with a pine tree bugging everyone. "Where should I put this tree" she cried, over and over, until finally someone told her.


Post - Top - Home - Printer Friendly - Translate


Next Page

 


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.


You must be a member to post in non-music threads. Join here.



Mudcat time: 22 January 3:05 AM EST

[ Home ]

All original material is copyright © 1998 by the Mudcat Café Music Foundation, Inc. All photos, music, images, etc. are copyright © by their rightful owners. Every effort is taken to attribute appropriate copyright to images, content, music, etc. We are not a copyright resource.