BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 11:17 AM

That "100!" is a sign of compulsive-obsessive disorder.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Amos
Date: 04 Dec 07 - 05:44 PM

>One of the partners of the accounting firm, Pincus, Markus and Bailey,
>is going through the accounts and suddenly realizes that Pinkus has
>been cooking the books. Since Pincus is right there, Bailey tells
>Marcus he's got something to tell him and to meet him outside. Once
>they're out on the street, Bailey turns to Markus and says, "Markus,
>Pincus fucked us." Just at that moment, two nuns happen to pass by.
>One of the nuns turns to the other and says, "My! They're talking
>Latin!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 02:54 PM

Latin, Eh?

Like the two nuns in the maternity home and one says,

"Longsince Benedictus"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 05:04 PM

Hello, Harper, Harper, Harper and Harper, may I help you?

   Can I speak to Mr.Harper?

   I'm sorry, his with a client.

   Well Mr.Harper, then?

   Sorry, he's in a meeting.

   How about Mr.Harper?

   He's away ill.

   Perhaps, if it's possible, Mr.Harper?

   Speaking.



    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 06:51 PM

supposedly found as graffiti in Pompeii:

Barber: "Sir, was your shirt red when you came in here?"
Client: "No."
Barber: "Well, then, I'm afraid I've cut your throat."

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Walrus
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 07:34 PM

A man gets home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"I'm leaving you! I've just found out that you're a paedophile"
"Paedophile?" said he, "Paedophile? - That's a very long word for a nine year old"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 05 Dec 07 - 08:49 PM

An old man in the stands at the football game is staring at the young punk with his pants hanging down his butt, throwing his chest around, looking all tough, with a big ol' mohawk.

Kid catches his eye and says, "What you starin' at, old man?"

After a long pause, the man says, "Well, a long time ago, I f*&%@$ a chicken, and I'm just thinking you might be my son."

Dani (I'll be getting my hat,now)

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 06:31 PM

How de ye pull a fat lass?

Piece of cake!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Neil D
Date: 06 Dec 07 - 09:58 PM

Two guys walked into a bar, so the third one ducked.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 07 Dec 07 - 08:01 AM

As it's the cold season, I thought this might amuse the ladies!
G

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 05:59 AM

Merry Christmas everybody.
G.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 08:54 AM

"Gravely Gift"

One year, a particular harried husband decided
to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you
still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 08:55 AM

"Real Christmas Gift"

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for
Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of
those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the heck was
I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Someone who ought to know better!
Date: 08 Dec 07 - 07:05 PM

I bought a teddy bear for $10
I named it Mohammed and sold it for $20
I think I made a prophet!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 04:17 PM

"Going, going,.... gone!"

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with
a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong
the saying, "You can't take it with you."

After much thought and consideration, the old
ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take
at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw
enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed
her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave
them directly above his bed. His plan was that when
he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags
on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife,
up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow
cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he
should have had me put the money in the basement."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Peace
Date: 09 Dec 07 - 09:50 PM

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying over the Pacific Ocean when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their village. The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that person his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.
He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"
The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"
He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"
The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks him as hard as he can. With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and say: "If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient provocation?"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 07:05 AM

"Saying Grace At Holiday Meal"

Toto, the pastor's son is taken aside by his
mother who asks him to say grace at the
table before all the quests invited to the noon
meal.

He rebels: "But, Ma, what do I say?"

"Just repeat what you've heard me say so
many times..."

Toto stands and says in a loud voice:

"DEAR LORD, WHY DID I INVITE ALL THESE
PEOPLE?"


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 10 Dec 07 - 12:52 PM

Why do we put an angel on top of the Christmas tree? What are we commemorating. Once, eons ago the angels were decorating heaven and one angel was running around with a pine tree bugging everyone. "Where should I put this tree" she cried, over and over, until finally someone told her.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 11 Dec 07 - 07:36 PM

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'

The father, surprised, answers,'Well, son, there are three kinds of
breasts.

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.
After 50, they are like onions.'

'Onions?'

'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree.'

'A Christmas tree?'

'Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.'

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 04:20 PM

"Moonlighting"

Sometimes there's not much work around. In times like
these, this is often especially true for ventriloquists. One
day, two out-of-work ventriloquists are talking on the
phone to each other and lamenting their condition. The
older one says, "Just between you and me, I've been
moonlighting lately as a medium."

The young ventriloquist is quite impressed. "Really?"
he says. "I didn't know that you were psychic!"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I'm not," confesses the older
man. "But what I did was rent a storefront and bought
a small round table, a crystal ball, and a turban. Then,
when people come in, I throw my voice and they think
that they're talking to their dead relatives."

"What a great idea!" says the young ventriloquist.

"You should try it too," suggests the first man. "You'll
see, it works great."

The next day, the young man goes out, rents a little
storefront, and buys a table, a crystal ball, and a turban.
He opens up for business, and an hour later a middle-
aged woman walks in. She sits down at the table across
from the ventriloquist and asks him, "Can you put me in
touch with my long-lost husband?"

"I sure can!" he answers. "Why, for just a hundred
dollars, you can hear your husband speak to you from
behind that curtain over there. Now I must warn you
that his voice might sound a little different, but that's
because he's talking to you from the spirit world."

"That's wonderful," says the woman eagerly.

"For a hundred and fifty dollars," the ventriloquist says,
"you could have a two-way conversation with your
husband, and talk back and forth with him."

The woman's voice rises in anticipation as she asks,
"You mean, I could communicate directly with my dear
departed Hubert?"

"Not only that," says the ventriloquist, getting just as
excited as the woman, "but for two hundred dollars,
you could actually carry on a two-way conversation
with your husband while I'm drinking a glass of water!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:07 PM

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Dec 07 - 10:11 PM

A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.

"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"

The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.

"Screw the boys," shouts the lawyer.

"Is there time?" asks the priest.

(ducking and running for cover...)

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Schantieman
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 10:13 AM

The jokes above about a boy not talking until the age of five are derived, I believe (possibly erroneously) from John Stuart Mill who, apparently, performed exactly that feat. His first words were reputedly voiced at dinner one day when he exclaimed, "This soup has too much salt!" One of his astonished parents inquired why he had never spoken before to which the answer came, "Until now everything has been perfectly satisfactory."!

Or perhaps it was someone else.


Steve

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM

"Fishing"

A boy was taking care of his baby sister while
his parents went to town shopping. He decided
to go fishing and he had to take her along.

"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother
that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"

"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and
not scare the fish away," his mother said.

The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 05:13 PM

Some good tips to follow during the Holiday party season:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an 'eggnog-aholic' or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it! Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think.

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hell-lo-oh!

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat - have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert -- Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have SOME standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips: Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember: 'Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body. But rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming 'WOO-HOO what a ride!'

Happy Holidays!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 13 Dec 07 - 08:15 PM

Guess who I bumped into at the opticians?

Everybody!!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 14 Dec 07 - 05:48 PM

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving
together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his
apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled
with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute,
cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It
was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and
she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into
organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf,
medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge,
enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange
for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy
Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by
his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she
finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe
he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him
lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in
his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's
clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity,
more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never
done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy,
they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently
strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles
at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and
says......................

..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 09:44 AM

"University Traditions"

Here is a "true story" someone found regarding
exams at Cambridge University. It seems that
during an examination one day a bright young
student popped up and asked the proctor to bring
him Cakes and Ale. The following dialog ensued:

Proctor: I beg your pardon?

Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes
and Ale.

Proctor: Sorry, no.

Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and
require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.

At this point, the student produced a copy of the four
hundred year old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin
and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section
which read (roughly translated):

"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and
require Cakes and Ale."

Pepsi and hamburgers were judged the modern
equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his
examination and happily slurping away.

Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds
for not wearing a sword to the examination.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Dec 07 - 08:52 PM

What did one snowman say to the other?












...do you smell carrots?

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Dec 07 - 02:10 PM

Loved the optician and Sensitive man ones.


A woman gets into a rail carriage and sits down. There's also a man reading the paper.

After a while of looking at him, she says, "Excuse me." he puts the paper down. "Yes?" She says, "Sorry ro bother you but are you Jewish?"

"No", he says, and resumes reading.

After a few minutes she says,"Sorry, but aren't you Jewish?" "No" he says again, more firmly and reads on.

A longer pause then she says,"Really sorry to bother you." "What is it?" thus he testily, putting down his paper. "Are you sure you're not Jewish."

"Well", he says, "If you really must know, yes actually I am."

"Funny," she says,"To be honest with you,you don't look it."


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 08:33 AM

A couple was walking down the street in Hawaii one evening, and the husband says, "I'm really glad we chose Havaii for our Anniversary vacation!"

The wife says, "I am too, but it is pronounced 'Hawaii', not 'Havaii'."

"I'm sorry, dear, but you are wrong. It is definitely 'Havaii'," says the husband.

"No, you're wrong!" says the wife.

Well, this continues for a while and gets heated.

Finally they meet a man on the street and the husband explains the argument and asks him, "Is it pronounced 'Havaii' or 'Hawaii'?"

The man says, "Havaii."

The husband looks at his wife and says, "I told you so," and turns to the man and says, "Thank you."

The man turns to leave and says, "You're velcome"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bert
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 04:13 PM

In the news today.

"Bush Says Economy is safe and sound"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:12 PM

That was indeed funny, Bert!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM

"Tae Kwon Do (and Don't!)"

A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft
and minding his own business when, without
provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!*
knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor.

Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop
from Korea!"

The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does
is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again.

All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks
him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop
from Japan."

The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial
artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly
leaves the bar.

The little guy is gone for about twenty-five minutes. Then he
returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks
up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big
dude off his stool, knocking him out cold.

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When
he comes to, tell him 'That was a crowbar from Sears'."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had consumed all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where do you want me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

(And, no doubt, the familiar phrase "Up Yours!")

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Dec 07 - 07:30 PM

Uncle DaveO: look at your own posts at 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM and then at 17 Dec 07 - 07:13 PM.

That's gotta be embarrassing! (I know 'cause I once did something similar.)

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Wilfried Schaum
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 02:10 AM

Now, now, Jim me lad - ha'e mercy, we're old men.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:11 AM

"That was a brain-fart, from left field!"

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 01:17 PM

I was depressed last night so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.


Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 04:48 PM

I was depressed last night, so I called the "Suicidal Lifeline".

Got a call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 05:52 PM

Dave O!

That's gotta be one of the longest echoes in the world!!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 06:53 PM

On the first day of the new school year, the sophomore English class had a new, very stern, teacher.

A hush fell over the room as the teacher panned his gaze across all the kids.

Finally, he spoke.

"There are two words that are unacceptable in my class, either orally or in your homework, papers, or tests. Use these words even once and your grade will be lowered one full letter. The first one is 'gross,' and the other is 'cool.' Are there any questions?"

One gawky teen raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the new teacher.

The teen asked, "So? What are the two words?"

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 07:41 PM

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated,
waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and co-pilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin
walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind.
The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he
stumbles down the aisle, and the co-pilot is using a guide dog. Both have
their eyes covered with huge sunglasses. At first the passengers do not react;
thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke.
However, after a few minutes the engines start spooling up and the airplane
starts moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among
themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance. Then
the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking.
Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the
end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally,
when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden
change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very
last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the
Captain, "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream
and we're gonna get killed!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Bill D
Date: 18 Dec 07 - 09:37 PM

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his
limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road
side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to
investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food." the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the
other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man
answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even
for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor
fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of
us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is
about two feet tall."

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 07 - 11:54 AM

Some people don't think proper punctuation is important. Here is something to set them straight:


Version I

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is all about.
You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are
not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You
have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have
no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be
forever happy--will you let me be yours?

Gloria

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Version II

Dear John:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you
are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are
not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you,
I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I
can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

q.e.d.

Dave Oestereich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 04:29 AM

Uncle_DaveO

I remember Shakespeare had one like that...

Ceaser entered; on his head
his helmet; on his breast
his ...

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 01:57 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren't overweight because, WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve t he problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, X-Boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms........

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them, CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:19 PM

No wonder we made such a mess of bringing up today's kids.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 01:01 PM

It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said,
"Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu."
Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!" said Rosita.
Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.
But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the
moon." replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me."
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time,
we'll do Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry
Christmas,
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!
NOW GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont.
From: autolycus
Date: 23 Dec 07 - 07:39 AM

Just got this as a p/c at work.


   A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.He reduced his alitutde and spots a woman below. he descended a bit further and shouted,

   "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend i would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

   The woman replied,"You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west logitude."

   "you must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

   "I am," replied the woman,"How did you know?"

   "Well," answered the balloonist,"everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

   "I am,"the woman responded." And you must be in management."

   "I am," replied the balloonist,"but how do you know?"

   "Well", said the woman,"you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are because of a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you're in the same position you were in before we met, but now. somehow, it's my fault!"


Ivor