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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: PeadarOfPortsmouth Date: 16 Nov 07 - 09:57 AM Collectors out there may be interested in the following listing on eBay: FOR SALE Item: Genuine French Infantry Rifle Description: Never fired, dropped once. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Mrrzy Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:02 PM Maybe not exzactly a joke, but I was watching a TV show on cannibalism, and apparently the British pronounce it ca-NIBBLE-ism - I just about wet my pants laughing! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Ernest Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:47 PM Peadar, that rifle would be worth a fortune if only it came with the appropriate flag of war: a white cross on white ground |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Wilfried Schaum Date: 17 Nov 07 - 06:04 AM The manager to one of his employees: "You are working well, and normally you were up for promotion. There is only one problem: So often you are too late! You have been in the army! What did your sergeant major say when you were too late?" "Good morning, captain, sir." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: wysiwyg Date: 21 Nov 07 - 12:22 PM These are great. I'm printing a bunchh of them for a joke-spreading pal who's not having the best time these days, but keeps himself and everyone else laughing because, as he says, if you can't laugh you might as well give up. ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 21 Nov 07 - 04:03 PM Q. What is the medical term for the fatty area of flesh around the vagina? A. The Wife |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: GUEST,ashamed to say Date: 22 Nov 07 - 10:12 AM So, people kept telling me I looked hellish; but I felt great. After a time, it got to me, so I went to the doctor. I told him everyone was saying I looked hellish, but that I felt great. He got down a big book, and began flipping through it. "Looks great, feels great; no, that's not it- looks hellish, feels hellish; no, that's not it; looks hellish, feels great- here we are; yep, that's what it is - you're a c**t". |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 25 Nov 07 - 01:15 PM I was in a customer's home one afternoon and while I was talking to the customer, their 4 year old little girl whose name was Michelle, tugged on my pants leg and excitedly exclaimed, "I got a new bicycle, do you want to see it?" I said, "Sure Michelle." So off to the back yard we went. Upon getting into the back yard, I saw a brand new girl's bicycle. "Boy, Michelle!! That's a beautiful bicycle." I complimented. "Can you ride it?" "Yeah, I can ride it," she said, then with a sad face he pouted, "but it's broke." I looked at the new bicycle and couldn't see anything wrong with it, so I asked her, "What's wrong with it?" "I don't know," she shrugged, "but every time I ride it, it falls down!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 25 Nov 07 - 03:12 PM I'd appreciate feedback on these which come from the same Irish comedian. (WARNING If you KNOW who the comedian is, well, ....just.. y'know...don't,please.) I'd like to see if there are others who like this one. Casey: I'm a member of the Irish Secret Service, and I don't care who knows it. The teacher asked the little boy, "Who in greek mythology was half man,half bull?" "Would it be Buffalo Bill?" My wife reads the death column in the paper every morning, and can't understand how people manage to die in alphabetical order. Murphy was telling me that when he was in London, the taxi driver took him took a topless place. It was a pub with no roof on it. It rained all thru the meal and it took him two hours to finish his soup. There was a notice on the door of O'Malley,the vet. "Will be back shortly. Stay! Sit!" Flanagan knocked on the door of O'Callaghan's house. The wife opened the door. Flanagan asked,"Is himself in?". The wife replied,"I'm afraid he passed away last week." Flanagan said,"Oh,I'm sorry to hear that but, before he passed on, did he say anything about a tin of brown paint?" Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Rog Peek Date: 25 Nov 07 - 04:17 PM Being British Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish Kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV. And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything Foreign. Oh and...... Only in Britain .... Can a pizza get to your house Faster than an ambulance. Only in Britain .... Do supermarkets make sick People walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions While healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. Only in Britain ... Do People order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke. Only in Britain .... Do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the Counters. Only in Britain ... Do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on The drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage. Only in Britain .... Do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call Waiting so we won ' t miss a call from someone we didn ' t want to talk to in The first place. Only in Britain .... Are there disabled parking places in Front of a skating rink. NOT TO MENTION... 3 Brits die each year testing of A 9v battery works on their tongue. 142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not Removing all pins from new shirts. 58 Brits are injured each year by using Sharp knives instead of screwdrivers. 31 Brits have died since 1996 by Watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in. 19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Cracker pulling accidents. 101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of Plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet. 18 Brits had serious Burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth. A Massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening Bottles of beer with their teeth. 5 Brits were injured last year in Accidents involving out of Control Scalextric cars. And finally......... In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Bert Date: 25 Nov 07 - 05:32 PM ...took him two hours to finish his soup... I love it Autolyccus. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Jim Dixon Date: 25 Nov 07 - 06:28 PM Only in Britain? No, all those things happen in America, too. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: frogprince Date: 25 Nov 07 - 10:27 PM I was ready to say that every one of these sounded like "only in America", until I got to the Scalextric cars, wotever those are... |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Bert Date: 25 Nov 07 - 11:25 PM Slot racers. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 25 Nov 07 - 11:48 PM "Slot racers." that's the little electric cars that race on a track ... :-P |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 26 Nov 07 - 03:45 PM Aye, Autolycus! The same bloke (aah think) used te tell the one aboot deein' the Irish Times Crossword 1. A Mythical Animal, half man & Half beast (7,4) 2. A maritime Mammal (5,3) 3. What a seaside donkey has for lunch (4,2,4) Answers 1. Buffalo Bill 2. Ships Cat 3. Half An Hour (aah just love that one!) |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Donuel Date: 26 Nov 07 - 08:21 PM actual encounter at the supermarket. Have you tried these micro wave dinners called eating right, they have so much flavor I find them positively delicious. OH yes I make them for my dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Bryn Pugh Date: 27 Nov 07 - 09:41 AM If you are ever chased by a police dog, don't crawl through a tunnel, run across a seesaw, or jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 27 Nov 07 - 10:51 AM "Tae Kwon Do (and Don't!)" A little guy was sitting in a bar, drinking his cold draft and minding his own business when, without provocation, a great big dude came in and *WHACK!* knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. Then big dude blurts out, "That was a karate chop from Korea!" The little guy thinks to himself, "GEEZ," but all he does is gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again. All of a sudden - WHACK!! -- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan." The little guy has had enough of this unruly martial artist. He gets up, brushes himself off and quietly leaves the bar. The little guy is gone for about 25 minutes. Then he returns to the bar. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the big dude and BONG! -- knocks the big dude off his stool, knocking him out cold. The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him. 'That was a crowbar from Sears'." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 27 Nov 07 - 12:51 PM Just to get it off my chest, that little crop of jokes are from Hal Roach, contemporary not the silent film comedy director. Hal is just funny to me and not too well known. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 27 Nov 07 - 04:50 PM There's aalwez somebody worse off than you!! Imagine bein' a siameze twin and your other twin is gay but you're not. And.... His lover is coming around tonight And..... You and your twin only have one arse between you |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: The Walrus Date: 27 Nov 07 - 08:50 PM Stolen from another site Paris trip An on duty Gendarme spots a hire car approaching the Champs Elysées with a rear light out. He beckons the driver to pull over, which he does and winds his window down. The Officer has a good look inside the car and notices that the driver and passenger are conjoined twins, Bobby & Davy. Instead of making an issue over the light out situation he begins to engage in some friendly chat. Gendarme: Ah, you are on holiday my friends? Davy: Aye, that's right big yin. We've been coming every September weekend for the last 9 years. Gendarme: So I guess you come to France to get away from ze rainy weather you have in Ecosse? Davy: Naw, it nearly always pishes doon when we come here. Your weather's nae better than oors, in't that right Bobby? Bobby: Aye. Gendarme: Zen I take it you are here to enjoy our delicious French food, very healthy. Davy: Naw, yer food's rotten big man, everything reeks of garlic. We've brought a box full of pieces to avoid eating your crap. Gendarme: Zen you must be here to drink our famous wines and cognac, surely. Davy: Yer swally's boggin, we've hid tae bring a kerry oot. In't that right Bobby? Bobby: Aye. Gendarme (by now ever so slightly bemused): Well in that case you must be here to see the Parisienne madamoiselles, ze most beautiful women in Europe. Davy: Yer kiddin in't ye! The burds here are dogs Gendarme (by now rather irate): Zen why do you people come to our country if everysing ees so bad? Bobby: It's the only chance oor Davy gets tae drive! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 28 Nov 07 - 09:39 AM "How To Correctly Date Dinosaur Bones" Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are three million, four years, and six months old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 28 Nov 07 - 10:07 AM In a Goon Show from the 50s, they were excavating in the London Underground in one show. Suddenly, "Look at this skull." "How old is it?" "Two million years old." Eccles," Ha ppy birthday to youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, ha......" Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 28 Nov 07 - 02:43 PM By heck, Walrus! That's a cracker and nee mistake |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Nov 07 - 09:27 AM Senior Sex The husband leans over the tavern table and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern, where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Okay," he says, "how about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman is still watching, and thinks to himself, "This is truly amazing! I've got to ask them what their secret is." So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 29 Nov 07 - 09:44 AM A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol - Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive. So the Minister asked the congregation - "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine was setting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: GUEST,Neil D Date: 29 Nov 07 - 12:53 PM A preacher based his sermons on teh evils of strong drink. He said "I'd like to take all the beer in the county and throw it in the river. I'd like to take all the wine in the county and throw it in the river. I'd like to take all the whiskey in the county and throw it in the river. Why, if I could I would throw all the alcohol in the state right in the river." Then the song leader got up and led the congregation in the singing of ..."Shall We Gather At The River". |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 29 Nov 07 - 04:56 PM For anyone who might be interested, there is to be a Seminar on 'Time Travel - Myth Or Possibility' The seminar will take place at The Festival Hall, London, UK last Thursday |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Wesley S Date: 30 Nov 07 - 09:14 AM While I was visiting in a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them. The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them. "This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few bars and always looking for the key." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Wesley S Date: 30 Nov 07 - 09:15 AM One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?" "Ten years," replies the Irishman. With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!" "And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him. Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years." She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!" At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?" With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: topical tom Date: 30 Nov 07 - 12:43 PM A policeman noticed an older woman walking along the street.She was carrying two large bags and twenty-dollar bills were falling out of one of them. "Excuse me, ma'am," said the policeman, "But why are those twenty-dollar bills in the bag?" "Well, officer", replied the woman,"You see, I live near a park behind a tavern and when the men come out for a piss I pull out this knife and say sixty dollars or I cut off your dick." "Well", relied the officer, laughing,"I guess there's really no law against making money that way but what's in the other bag?" "They don't all pay" she answered. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Geordie-Peorgie Date: 30 Nov 07 - 05:49 PM The first rule of driving across the desert is..... If ye break down, DO NOT LEAVE THE VEHICLE - Stay on the road! Well one bloke, driving across the desert broke down and he thought, "I'll just walk over that sand dune and see if there's an oasis close by" Well! There isn't and as one sand dune looks like another - He gets lost After two hours of stumbling around trying to find the road he sits down to wait for help, or death! An hour later he sees a speck on the horizon and it appears to be moving. After half an hour he can see that it IS moving towards him and it's another human being so he starts to run towards it. After a further hour they meet and the the figure turns out to be an eskimo n full 'skins' driving a dog-sled. "Am I glad to see you!" said the guy as the dog sled comes to a halt. "I'm lost!" The eskimo looks at him and says, "YOU'RE lost???????" |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: The Walrus Date: 01 Dec 07 - 06:18 AM Lenin's Return to Russia Germany 1917, and the Germans were putting into effect their plan to knock Russia out of the Great War. Lenin and the Bolsheviks were being sealed in their train to be transported across Germany and home to Russia. As the War was still raging, they were forbidden from trying to speak to anyone outside of the train until they arrived Eventually the train set off, held up at almost every junction as war material and troop trains had priority. Naturally, after a day or two, the inhabitants of the train were getting a little impatient and wanting to know where they were. When the train next stopped, Lenin opened a small hatch, pushed his hand out, waited a few minutes, pulled it back and announced "We're still in West Prussia" The journey went on, many hours later, the same enquiry and the same procedure, the train stopped at signals, the hatch was opened and Lenin pushed his hand out, he pulled it back "We're in East Prussia, the bit that saw fighting" Hours passed and again the cry went up "Are we there yet?" Again when the train stopped, Lenin thrust his hand out and withdrew it quite quickly, rubbing it on his trousers "We're in Poland!, I don't know if it's the German or Russian bit" The train rumbled on and on and inevitably the question was asked again, once more, at signals Lenin thrusts his hand out, pulled back, looked at it and announced "Comrades - We are in Mother Russia!". There was much cheering as the word passed down the train, all except for Trotsky who sat thet looking puzzled, eventually he leaned over "OK Vlad, you've got me beat, how did you know where we were by just putting your hand out?" "That's easy" replied Lenin, "The train is marked as a sealed train from Berlin to St Petersburg, to the Germans, that means it is important to the war. When I put my hand out in West Prussia, the locals shook it, "When I put my hand out in East Prussia, the war weary people kissed it "And when we were in Poland, I put my hand out and the locals spat on it" "And how did you know we were back in Russia?" asked Trotsky "That's easy " said Lenin "I put my hand out ... and some bastard stole my watch!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 01 Dec 07 - 10:30 AM "Oi belong to the Irish Secret Service, and I don't care who knows it." Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Bentley Date: 01 Dec 07 - 10:43 AM A health warning for Christmas: DRINK! ITS GOOD 4 U As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 01 Dec 07 - 03:38 PM On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed. Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!" That's when she shot him. You know, sometimes men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 02 Dec 07 - 04:38 AM PS And alas, men too often don't know when speaking would be a good idea. Little Johnny doesn't start speaking at the normal age. His parents assume he will, eventually. At five, he does, at breakfast, when suddenly he says," Can you pass the jam, please." His parents are amazed. Dad says, "Johnny, you spoke, you can speak! Why have you not spoken before?" The boy replies,"Up to now, I didn't have anything to say." Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: GUEST Date: 02 Dec 07 - 08:13 AM Another version of this goes: Little Johnny doesn't start speaking at the normal age. Not a single word has ever passed his lips. His parents have had him to child psychologists, speech therapists, the lot, and they are nearly at the end of their tether. One morning at breakfast, when he's seven years old, he suddenly blurts out, "Jeez, this porridge is bloody shite!" His parents are amazed and delighted. Dad says, "Johnny, oh, thank God, you can speak! But tell us, why have you never spoken before?" The boy replies, "Everything's been all right up to now!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: autolycus Date: 02 Dec 07 - 06:41 PM Music joke. background. Composer Gustav Mahler was thought in his day to lean too heavily on the tradition to the point of stealing stuff. ok, A boy is seen making his way up to Mahler's composing hut, carrying a load of scores of the masters of the past. A wag comments, "I see Herr Mahler is composing again." Goodnight you lovely people. Ivor |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: GUEST Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:51 PM Hello? I'm the last post but one and I'm a "Guest?" No I'm not! I'm Steve Shaw, I am a member and I post under my own name and have had dozens of posts so assigned. Who's nobbled me?! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:55 PM Hello? Am I back? |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Steve Shaw Date: 02 Dec 07 - 07:57 PM Thank you! Who did that! I am doggedly anti-anonymity. I am the last two guests in this thread due to I don't know what. Humph! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Joe_F Date: 02 Dec 07 - 09:13 PM A soul has just arrived in heaven, and St Peter is showing him around. They go past a banquet table where a bearded man is doing the honors with a roast suckling pig. "Those are pious Jews," St Peter explains. "They were not allowed to eat pork on earth, so they get to make up for it here." Soon they pass a big round table with people sitting around it with steins of beer, singing hymns. "Those are hardshell baptists," he explains. "They were not allowed to drink beer on earth." Then they find themselves walking by a formidable high wall with no gates and spikes on top. Sounds of roistering come from behind it. "Oh!" exclaims the newcomer. "Who lives there?" "Shhh!" says St Peter. "Those are Catholics. They think they're the only ones here." |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:30 AM I was tempted to post this as a song challenge, but here it is as a joke. "Quality Control" When you have one of those "I Hate My Job" days, try this: On your way home from work stop at your local pharmacy and go to the thermometer section, and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed. Change into some very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken. Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it very carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement: "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized." Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, "I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control at Johnson & Johnson." Have A Nice Day And Remember, There Is Always Someone Else With A Job That Is More Of A Pain In The Butt Than Yours! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Dec 07 - 08:32 AM "If My Body Were A Car" If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull .... But that's not the worst of it. My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather. My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ..... either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 03 Dec 07 - 09:05 AM Male Customers At Lowes: A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Lowes customers. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends. Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag & Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No", and instead ask you for a ride to another store. You agree, and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat & starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen Aug 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also Sept 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, three times just yesterday and very likely this coming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful. |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: Bainbo Date: 03 Dec 07 - 04:33 PM Province of Inhambane Ministry of Fish and Wildlife MOZAMBIQUE WARNINGDue to the rising frequency of human-lion encounters, the Ministry of Fish and Wildlife, Inhambane branch, Mozambique, is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen, and any motorcyclists who use the out-of-doors in a recreational or work-related function to take extra precautions while in the bush. We advise the outdoorsman to wear little noisy bells on clothing so as to give advanced warning to any lions that might be close by so you don't take them by surprise. We also advise anyone using the out-of-doors to carry pepper spray with him or her in case of an encounter with a lion. Outdoorsmen should also be on the watch for fresh lion activity, and be able to tell the difference between lion cub shit and big lion shit. Lion cub shit is smaller and contains lots of berries and dassie fur. Big lion shit has bells in it, and smells like pepper. Enjoy your stay in MOZAMBIQUE |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:33 AM CHRISTMAS DISORDERS and CAROLS 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, 11. Oppositional Defiant Disorder-- You better not cry - Oh yes I will You better not Shout - I can if I want to You better not pout - Can if I want to I'm telling you why - Not listening Santa Claus is coming to town No he's not!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: The Fifth Joke Thread for 2007 cont. From: The Fooles Troupe Date: 04 Dec 07 - 07:49 AM 100! |
