BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland

Subject: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 03:59 PM

Daily Telegraph today:-
Man who had sex with bicycle sentenced
By Auslan Cramb, Scottish Correspondent
Last Updated: 2:48am GMT 15/11/2007



A "cycle-sexualist" caught half-naked in a compromising position with his bicycle has been put on probation for three years.

Bryony Gordon: Bicycle sex - the final instalment

Robert Stewart's unlikely perversion has been analysed in chat rooms around the world after he was caught by two cleaners who walked in on him in a hostel room.

   
Robert Stewart arrives at court
The 51-year-old was naked from the waist down and when the women opened the door he paused only to ask, "What is it, hen?", before continuing to "move his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex".

The police were called and at a hearing last month Mr Stewart was placed on the sex offenders' register after admitting a sexual breach of the peace.

The case has prompted criticism of "loony British laws", but he ended up in court because the "shocked" cleaners said they had knocked repeatedly before opening the door.

At Ayr sheriff court on the west coast of Scotland today, Mr Stewart was sentenced for the rare offence and for a separate breach of the peace charge for threatening a member of staff in a hostel in the town.

The court was told that alcohol was the cause of his problems, and he was placed under the supervision of a social worker and warned that if he re-offended he would be sent to prison.

Sheriff Colin Miller added: "In almost four decades in the law I thought I had come across every perversion known to mankind, but this is a new one on me. I have never heard of a 'cycle-sexualist'.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:03 PM

They really don't look on the porn sites, do tehy?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bainbo
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:05 PM

Does this make him a pedal-phile?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Slag
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:09 PM

Well, was it a boy's bike or a girl's bike? And should that make a difference? Was there consent? Had he had a falling out with his vacuum cleaner? Too many unknowns here to make a judgment.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: PoppaGator
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:12 PM

The guy was making love to his bike behind closed doors, wasn't he? They should have left the poor lunatic alone!

I'm trying to picture this: was he humping the seat, the rear fender, or what? Too many sharp angles and hard surfaces, if you ask me...

Maybe I don't have to rely on my imagination to picture the activity after all. Richard: if I were to take a good long look at some porn sites, would I find the answer? (Supply link if possible,. please.)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:12 PM

The man might be advised to get together with a trick cyclist.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Slag
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:17 PM

"X" cross, with knobby tires!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:20 PM

Chains....

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: John O'L
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:29 PM

He was lucky. Bikes around here aren't as slutty as that.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:35 PM

As well it should be! We can't have any little bastard bikes rolling around.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:38 PM

So is he also a psycho-sexualist?

Are there really laws on the books for the protection of bicycles? what about their less-than relatives, the unicycles? Would it be group sex with a bicycle built for two...what WAS Daisy doing with that bike!?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:40 PM

"Well, was it a boy's bike or a girl's bike?"

no matter, they said it was a bi-cycle.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:47 PM

Is it legal anywhere else then?
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: autolycus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 04:57 PM

Whay's a "bicycle illegal" doing out on the streets. Shouldn't it have been locked up?

What iiiiiis the world coming to?

Stick to bicycles legal, I say.

Not to mention the cycle-path of righteousness.

or maybe he;'s misunderstood the entire concept of riding.


    Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:01 PM

Was the saddle on the bike at the time?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:05 PM

I wondered that, Giok. Maybe he will stick to his hand pump next time? Maybe he was framed? Perhaps he is just a crank?

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: David C. Carter
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:05 PM

Sturmey-Archer is rampant in Scotland I hear.

It can cause "Drop Handlebars".

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Rowan
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:05 PM

Or was it banged from pillar to post?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: topical tom
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:08 PM

Time to put on the brakes, give him the gears,and steer him along a different path.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: GUEST,sparticus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:39 PM

Gives a whole new meaning to "On yer bike!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: David C. Carter
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:53 PM

Gives a whole new slant on"Bike it,you'll like it!"

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 05:56 PM

Scotland, huh? Now we know how much Scotch you have to drink before a bicycle starts to look like a sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Grab
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 06:14 PM

Easy on the guy, he's weely just a bit of a crank. If he'd spoke up when the cleaners knocked.... But maybe he was just tired. And it seems the police weren't prepared to soft-pedal this.

(coat-door-exit)

PS. Re another thread about strange English forenames, check out the journo's name on this one - "Auslan Cramb". There can't be many of them in the phone book!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 06:15 PM

Actually, a practice that should be encouraged, in light of the problems caused by an expanding population. Let's hear it for non-proliferative perversion!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Rog Peek
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 06:27 PM

Going slightly off the point, but still on the subject of sex and modes of transport, I was interested to see Slag raise the question of consent.

I recall a couple of years ago seeing a program on Cannel 4 which was looking at bestiality. Before you jump to any conclusions, it was not a program I had planned to watch (honest) but one I came accross while channel hopping.

Anyway, there was this fellow in some part of North America who had a long term relationship with his donkey. The thing was, when interviewing the man, the presenter raised the question of consent, whereupon the man responded by saying that if the donkey wasn't consential then she could always run away.

I couldn't stop laughing for days.

I guess the same argument could not be presented on behalf of the bike.

Rog

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Jack Campin
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 06:49 PM

Google "traffic cone sex' for an even more improbable Scottish perversion.

(I knew the guy slightly. He was a few sprockets short of a chainwheel).

The real mindboggler is that he was doing it with the *wide* end.

Perhaps this ought to be a Song Request? A love song addressed to a bicycle or a traffic cone?

[tune: "A Red, Red Rose"]

Oh my love stands by the roadside
While Transco lays its pipes,
Oh my love is orange polythene
With bright reflective stripes.
So conical art thou, my love,
So firm thy weighted flange,
I will love thee still, my love,
Though the law may think it strange...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Megan L
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:06 PM

I once was on points duty (directing traffic) when a rather drunk man approached a street lamp, whispered something in what i presume he thought was her shell like ear then fumbled out his gear and proceeded to make thorough love to said street lamp. when he did himself up again he thanked it nicely and laid a £20 note at her (Ooop sorry) its feet. How dae i ken it wis a twenty? Weel somebody hid tae help her pick it up :)

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:06 PM

It all started with the Poet Laureate, Sir John Betjamin.

He wrote: I rather think that I would like, to be the saddle of a ladies bike.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:12 PM

"traffic cones" don't NEED Scotsmen

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Jean(eanjay)
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:29 PM

I can't believe anybody reported it and I can't believe anybody acted upon it. Poor bloke.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:32 PM

Maybe he didn't know it was a bike. Maybe he thought it was a sad ol' bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bobert
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:38 PM

Gol dang it... What next???

Gonna bust folks for havin' blow-up dolls???

Hey, as far as I'm concerned if the bike didn't mind then what the hey???

Ahhhhh, sex with traffic cones ain't like as bad as folks in Buicks ridin' at 55 mph in the passing lane... Them folks oughtta be rounded up and put on some registry...

And fir the record, I ain't had sex with either traffic cones 'er bicyles...

B~

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:49 PM

Would it have made any difference to his case had he been able to demonstrate that it was a mountin' bike?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Amos
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 07:50 PM

It raises an interesting metaphysical question as to whether sex with inanimate objects can be legally defined as consensual, even if the object is less than 18 years old. (Ouch! Rust!)



A

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: gnu
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:07 PM

".... it was not a program I had planned to watch (honest) but one I came accross while channel hopping."

Hehehe. I read the rest of the thread and I am still laughing... hahahaha. Priceless!!! Bravo! Bravo!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Bobert
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:20 PM

Good 'un, Steve...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:21 PM

I have a bike in my shed that's rusty, has busted brake and gear cables, warped wheels because of broken spokes and two bald, punctured tyres. I've been telling my mates that my bike's buggered, but I think I'll use a different word from now on in case a constable's listening...

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: gnu
Date: 15 Nov 07 - 08:26 PM

"Yes, magestrate. I distinctly heard that man say that he buggered his Bike."

"Well. THIS is serious. What have you to say before your are sentenced?"

"It was Mike, m'lord."

"Oh. Dismissed."

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Slag
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:22 AM

Still and all, I think they ought to rein this guy in. Yeah, it's bicycles now! but tomorrow it could be little tricycles and it turns out he's a pedalphile.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: autolycus
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:38 AM

Slag, Bainbo did that one yesterday.

some of us are students of this sort of thing.

And look at what the back seats of cars have to put up with.


   Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Slag
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 01:55 AM

I remembered the pedal-phile part. That was just a matter of time until someone came up with that but I thought the "Tricycle" part would be a cute addition. Sorry if I offended your scholastic sense about this sort of thing, I mean you being a student of it and all. :] Someone already did the one about rollerskates and skate keys and made a hit record out of it so that's out. Hmmm, how about an Oster blender?

   There was an old man, Pindar
   Who tried to relate with his blender
   When the blade spun
   The relation was done
   And now she has a new gender!

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Richard Bridge
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 02:58 AM

Poppagator, the porn sites I think mostly have women rather than men having sex with bicycles (or carties). Go to shufuni or youporn and search for bicycle.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: The PA
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 03:27 AM

Sorry to be serious, but surely better shaggin his bike in the privacy of his own room where he's hurting nobody, than attacking some poor child? Why is he on the sex offenders register, who has he offended, a couple of snooping cleaners who maybe should be minding their own business. Thats with him for life now and he hasn't actually hurt anyone.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: GUEST,PMB
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 03:39 AM

He should have entered he Myles na Gopaleen defence: that because of the Mollycular Theory, and much time spent cycling over rough roads, bicycle molecules had entered his body, and conversely his molecules had entered the bicycle. So it was consenting sex between adult humans or bicycles in private.

The gross and net result of it is that people who spend most of their natural lives riding iron bicycles over the rocky roadsteads of this parish get their personalities mixed up with the personalities of their bicycle as a result of the interchanging of the atoms of each of them and you would be surprised at the number of people in these parts who nearly are half people and half bicycles.

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Slag
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 03:49 AM

Come to think of it, who among us hasn't gotten all hot and sweaty pumping for all we are worth on a bicycle?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Rasener
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 04:22 AM

Did these cleaners take him in hand then, or were they just saddled with an old wanker?

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: redsnapper
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 05:28 AM

Well documented in song already (perhaps he had it on his iPod)...

I like to ride my bicycle
I like to ride my bike
I like to ride my bicycle
I like to ride it where I like...

Bicycles... bicycles...

The story doesn't say what gear the bike was in...

RS

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 05:40 AM

redsnapper - you're missing a few fat bottomed girls from that. Perhaps he was visualising Queen's video for that song and got carried away.

Call me innocent (or naeve, or just plain stupid) but ... How? And Where?

I can work out the why for myself... there's been a Honda Valkyrie I'd happily live with and as for the Triumph Bonneville....














Help.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 05:45 AM

I ended up with the local bike once, but I was drunk you honour!
G

Subject: RE: BS: Sex with a bicycle illegal in Scotland
From: GUEST,Fibula at work
Date: 16 Nov 07 - 05:52 AM

I'm puzzled why they put him on the sex offenders list. Are they going to warn other bikes in the area about him? Why can't he have sex with a bike? WHY? (I don't want to, but if I did want to, I'd like to think I was doing nowt wrong.)

Fibs (once described as a bike, but not Giok's local bike)