BS: Confused

Subject: BS: Confused
From: Louie Roy
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 04:34 PM

Iwent to church this morning and the minister said for Jesus Christ stand up so I stood up. this afternoon I went to a ball game and the man behind me said for Jesus Christ sit down.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: autolycus
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 04:39 PM

The answer is    context.   Prize?



Ivor

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 04:42 PM

and Guest...post with a NAME for Christ's sake, if you want to insult someone. (since when have old jokes been off limits around here?)

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 04:52 PM

since when have old jokes been off limits around here?

Since officious editing started I guess

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 05:07 PM

Excellent T-shirt seen recently:

I'm confused.

Wait - maybe I'm not.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 06:14 PM

It's how you tell 'em. Or not, in this case.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: gnu
Date: 20 Nov 07 - 06:45 PM

Okay with me. I'm cool.

Why, I was just chatting with Giok and he said he must be the Lord as whenever he entered a room, many said, "Jesus Christ! It's him again."

I thought it was me, as, "they" say, "Oh Lord, deliver us." when I enter.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: GUEST,Ian cookieless
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 11:37 AM

Saw a great t-shirt at a festival this year: "I found Jesus". Then in small letters underneath, "He was behind the sofa all the time".

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: GUEST,Kim C
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 11:40 AM

A friend of mine told me a story about the time the Jehovah's Witnesses visited his son's house. They said, "We'd like to talk to you about Jesus."

And the son said, "What's he done now?"

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Wesley S
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 01:23 PM

Who says that Jesus has to be consistant? To quote another T-shirt: "Jesus Loves You - But I'm His Favorite"

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Amos
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 02:03 PM

Should children witness childbirth?

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place.....smack his ass again!"

If you don't laugh at this one, there's no hope for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: PoppaGator
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 03:03 PM

It's simple: Stand up in church, and sit your ass down at the ballgame. At the game, people want to see.

Bumpersticker wisdom:

"Jesus Loves You; everyone else thinks you're an asshole."

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 03:21 PM

Well...if you had a personal relationship with Jesus, you could ask him, couldn't you, Louie Roy?

(Heh! Drives 'em nuts when someone says that...)

Why rely on the minister or the guy at the baseball game to tell you what you should be doing? Go straight to the source, man!

As for the JW's, they talk about Jesus some, but I find they are more interested in talking about Jehovah most of the time.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 03:21 PM

Jesus saves...Green Stamps.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Becca72
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 03:37 PM

Jesus saves....but Gretsky picks up the rebound, shoots and SCORES!

From a bumper sticker a few years back. :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: bobad
Date: 21 Nov 07 - 03:46 PM

Jesus saves....Moses invests, but only Buddha gives dividends.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: GUEST,Crystal
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 09:45 AM

I'm bad,
I've been asked several times, by pamphlet wielding persons in the street, if I have "Found Jesus?".
My answer; "I didn't know he was lost".
An oldie, but a goodie! I have no objection to christians, but I do object to them trying to shove it down my throat.
I was once told I would burn in hell for not believing in Jesus, I just laughed, but there HAS to be a better comeback to that one!

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 09:51 AM

Hell for the company, heaven for the climate, as Mark Twain said.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: GUEST,PMB
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 10:22 AM

Whose love is given over-well
Shall look on Helen's face in hell,
Whilst they whose love is thin and wise
May view John Knox in paradise.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 12:48 PM

An old joke is always new to someone.

A riposte to the 'you'll burn in hell' comment that I've used in the past is 'save me the seat next to you then!'... would have been fantastic if I'd thought of it when the guy was still on the train, but I'd been home for half an hour before I thought of it.

Always the way.

Jesus saves - especially in Windows98.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 04:49 PM

Jesus saves? Not on my salary...

Jehovahs witnesses or Mormons, can't remember which, came round to our door (This is genuine - Mrs P is still laughs). They asked me about life the universe and everyting and the only way I could get rid of them was promosing that I would pray to god for guidance and they would come back tomorrow.

They duly returned and asked if I had prayed. I answered in the affermative. And what did god tell you, They innocently asked. I responded...

"That I would be visited by the children of Satan this very day! You are evil! You are sent here from hell to corrupt the true worshippers. Begone from this place, never to return!"

I think the finaly got the message when I was chasing them up the street with a huge crucifix in one hand and spinkling them with 'holy' water from a bottle in the other.

Yes, I know, I will burn in hell. As long as I am not visited by holy-joes, I don't care:-)

Cheers

D

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 07:45 PM

No shit, John???? For gosh sakes! I think it was our very own merry pranksters you pulled that one on! Let me explain. We go around door-to-door pretending to be Jehovah's Witnesses and/or Mormons and/or Born-agains, etc. We do it basically for laughs and just to see what weird things people will do or say to get us to go away, and we tell them all kinds of wild stuff to see whether they'll buy it too. If they do buy it, all the better. That's just as funny as if they don't. But you, John....you were a special case! You are listed in our Hall of Fame. The bit with the crucifix and the holy water was simply the crowning touch. Marvelous! Frikkin' hilarious!!! Be proud, man, you are remembered in our annals.

Be warned though, that other prank organizations similar to our own will probably seek you out soon to see if they can provoke you into an even better performance.

You may get a visit from the prank Satanic Church any day, for instance. You'll know them by the red suits and pitchforks and bloodshot eyes. They arrive drunk, they are a hoot to talk to, and they will offer you some pretty intriguing inducements to join the ranks of "the chosen", I can assure you. ;-)

You may soon get a visit from the Fourth Rock people. Their premise is that Mars is the Holy Planet, because it is the original home of all homo sapiens, all of whom migrated here in spaceships about 350,000 years ago because atmospheric and ecological conditions were severely declining on Mars. They say that there are still many people living on Mars, but that they are in an underground civilization. They want to prepare the Earth population for FULL CONTACT with the Mars population in the year 2022, and YOU can be among those in the know if you listen carefully and learn from them. You could get to be among the first delegations to officially visit the Holy Planet in 2022.

Keep it in mind.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:05 PM

this sposed to be a joke?
its rubbish.
(not even a proper joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:15 PM

Rubbish? Rubbish, you say? Which part do you mean, jOhn?

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Rt Revd Sir jOhn from Hull
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:25 PM

all thread is rubbish- i explian-=
in morning, man say stand up, in night= man say stand up, but is different man, and diffrent place, so wahts funy then.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:37 PM

Well, you may have a point there. What shall we do about it?

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:45 PM

The Jehovah Witnesses showed up at my brother's home while I was watching the children for a weekend. They left a car with an infant in it in front of his house. I answered the door and said "You don't want to leave the car there with the baby. People come around the curve too fast and will hit it." THey thought I was trying to get rid of them and asked to come in. As I opened the door, a car came flying around the bend brakes screeching and narrowly missing the parked car with baby. They left.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 08:54 PM

Why is it that everyone else's J.W.'s are (apparently) idiots???

There are two that I know, they spent about the last 2 years visiting my mother once a week (whom they will NEVER convert to be a J.W....no chance), and they are among the smartest, nicest, most courteous, and most totally reliable and excellent people I've ever met in my life.

They're exemplary people, very bright, a married couple. The husband is a small business advisor, and very good at his job, the wife is a dental assistant, and very good at her job. I would trust them with anything. They're about the finest people I know around here, and they aren't stupid. Not one bit.

And I will never be a J.W. either. Depend on it. But that doesn't affect my appreciation of these two fine people one bit. I wish there were a lot more people around like them. Boy, do I ever.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Bee
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 10:36 PM

Depends on your local JWs, LH. I've known some lovely individuals, and I was quite taken with the nature lovin' JW lady who dropped by, but the men are mostly dreadful bores. There's also the standoffishness from the rest of the community of some Halls - they don't join the VFD, or the local search and rescue, or volunteer on any local BODs, and so on.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 22 Nov 07 - 10:53 PM

Oh, for sure, Bee. I've known some J.W.'s who were dreadful bores...and quite a few nice old lady J.W.'s who were fine as long as you kept them off reading to you from their little religious primers and then having you answer the questions at the end of the chapters... ;-) That's boring!!!

I'm just saying one shouldn't just write them all off, as a great many people do. They're like other people...they run the gamut from the dull ones to the very bright.

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Irene M
Date: 23 Nov 07 - 09:40 AM

Just hold the door open, step back and say "You've come for the seance?"

Subject: RE: BS: Confused
From: Little Hawk
Date: 23 Nov 07 - 10:53 AM

I have a friend who is a terrible practical joker with a hell of a lot of nerve. Plus...he's a tall, handsome guy. Well, one day he saw two elderly ladies, clearly J.W.'s making their way down the sidewalk to his residence! Being one who never fails to sieze the moment, he whipped off all his clothes except for his boxer shorts. The doorbell rang. He opened it and said, with a big grin, "Hi! Are you here for the orgy?"

They were gone in a flash.

True story. He does things like that.

He also once convinced a large restaurant's staff that I was a VERY FAMOUS folksinger, world famous in fact, and he thereby got us past a lineup of about 50 people who were waiting for tables that night. They not only got us a table right away...I was asked for my autograph by an awestruck kid from the kitchen staff. He swore that he "had all my albums". LOL! God knows where he got them...I've recorded exactly one album, and never yet bothered to have it commercially distributed.

I avoided that restaurant for a long time afterward, because I found the whole thing kind of embarrassing. I don't think I would take to being famous very well at all. People won't leave you alone when you're famous. ;-)