voted best scottish joke

Subject: voted best scottish joke
From: GUEST,G.I. Joe
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:29 PM

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a bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian
Excuse me miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?

To which she looks at him over the top of her glasses and says
"Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!"

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:47 PM

I vote for Murray!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: artbrooks
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 08:01 PM

I like the one about kilts, sheep, zippers and Seamus Kennedy myself...

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: gnu
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 08:14 PM

I like the one above. Haven't heard Seamus' yet.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Jeri
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 08:58 PM

I like the one about the guy in court, the goat, and the jury.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 09:50 PM

I like the one about the army sergeant and the broken condom.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Q (Frank Staplin)
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 09:51 PM

An oldie.
Two Scots lassies have just arrived in the U. S. One says, "I hear the people here eat dogs."
The other replied, "Oooh, I guess we will have to do as they do."
They see a hot dog vendor and order two dogs.
Excited, the lassies unwrapped their 'dogs.'
One lassie stared at hers for a moment and whispered, "Which part did you get?"

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 10:36 PM

Why is it a public service for a Scotsman to move to England?

It raises the average of intelligence in both countries.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Sorcha
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 10:45 PM

I like the McKenzie for it.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Don Firth
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 11:37 PM

The Irish invented the bagpipes, introduced them to the Scots, and told them it was a musical instrument.

The Scots haven't caught onto the joke yet!

Don Firth

P. S. Historically incorrect and completely slanderous, of course, but not a half-bad joke. . . .   I believe the pipes are considered to be an instrument of war.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Amergin
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:39 AM

That's only because they would play them so the enemy would cover their ears in an attempt to stifle the screaching.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 02:45 AM

Hey Jock, is the that a doughnut or a meringue ?

You're nae wrang laddie, it's a doughnut.

eric

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 06:43 AM

Disgraceful and blatant racism. You should be ashamed of yourselves - if these jokes were aimed at muslims, or dark-skinned people, or homosexuals, you'd have all the Usual-Suspect-Mudcat-PC-Thought-Police tearing at your throats and calling for you to be hung, drawn and quartered. :-) :-)

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: artbrooks
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 08:03 AM

Perhaps so, Backwoodsman. However, unlike the others mentioned, the Scots deserve to be abused. The invention of haggis, in and of itself, justifies almost anything.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 08:06 AM

I like the joke about the 2 friends and the "parting dram".

(I also like the one about the condom, if it's told right....the one that has been copied 419 times on the WWW is a bit condensed and weak....but I am known for being WAY too critical about jokes.)

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: MaineDog
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 09:13 AM

I like the one about old MacP-- getting himself a twenty-something wife.
MD

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Bert
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 09:56 AM

Then there's the one about the kangaroot. Or should that be on the Christmas cracker thread?

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 11:27 AM

AMATEURS !!



A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair. "Comfy?"
asks the dentist.
"Govan," she replies.


A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: "How much for the set of
antlers?"
"Two hundred quid," says the bloke behind the counter.
"That's affa deer," says the guy.

Did you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement? He's awa'
noo. (work on it, you'll get it)

After announcing he's getting married, a boy tells his pal he'll be wearing
the kilt. "And what's the tartan?" asks his mate. "Oh, she'll be wearing a
white dress," he replies.

What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays? A skean
dhu.

How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Just Juan.

A man takes a pair of shoes back to the shop and complains that there is a
lace missing.
"No," argues the assistant, "look at the label - it says Taiwan ."

What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect? A wee fly b*****d.

While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked: "What
would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?"
"I'd put him off at the next stop," he says.
"Good. And what would you do if you couldn't get the fare?"
"I'd take the first two weeks in August," he replies.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a
negative - "Aye right."

A Glasgow man - steaming and skint - is walking down Argyle Street when he
spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car. "What's up, Jimmy?" he
asks. "Piston broke," he replies. "Aye, same as masel..."


Must start a thread about Irish or Jewish jokes.

Giok

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 11:32 AM

AND............................


An elderly Scotsman lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs. He gathered his
remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the
kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in
heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were
literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits, freshly baked.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish
wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in crumpled posture. His aged and withered hand
trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly
smacked by his wife with a spatula.............

"Fuck off" she said, "they're for the funeral."

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Don Firth
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:27 PM

Now, that's a good one!!

Don Firth

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: coldjam
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:35 PM

That Is a good one, and a trans-ethnic one.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: john f weldon
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:35 PM

This is very old, about a very old couple:

Maggie: Perhaps, Jock, we should think about gettin married?
Jock: Aye, Maggie, but at our age who would have us?

...or the one that ends "...but I see you won first prize"

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Geordie-Peorgie
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:41 PM

Aah like the one aboot "Why could the' not hev the nativity in Glesga?" (They had the crucifixion in Gallowgate (not Galillee) - near The Cross!!!!

And the sweat that smells of coconut is another cracker!

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: artbrooks
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:46 PM

...or the one that ends "I naarly spook when the wifie fell oot."

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Jim Lad
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:55 PM

Yin, seevin and forty twa are my favourites but not necessarily in that order, ye ken!

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 02:20 PM

Here's my fave. I won't try to type with a brogue. You can imagine that in your head if you like.
   A Scot was giving directions to his house for a party. After explaining how to find the house he says to come to the front door and "ring the bell with your elbow." "Why with my elbow" he's asked.
   "Well you'd not be coming empty-handed now would you?"

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Greg B
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 03:41 PM

A Scotsman lies dying on the bed, and calls for his last
dram of whisky. Drinking it down, he asks that that those
gathered about open the window. "I'll toss this empty glass,
and where it lands shall be my final resting place."

He tosses the dram glass, and breathes his last.

He was interred on top of the wardrobe.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 08:24 PM

There are, of course, also *anti*-Scottish jokes:

A Scotsman sends his pants to the laundry with his socks in the pockets.

A Scotsman & a Jew went to a meeting together. Unexpectedly, a collection was taken. The Jew fainted, and the Scotsman carried him out. (George Orwell, who told this joke in his essay on antisemitism, remarked that it would have seemed vaguely wrong if it had been the other way about.)

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 09:16 PM

Okay....Where the hell is Murray at anyway? I go to the trouble to trash his plaid ass as the best Scottish joke and he doesn't even show up. Before this it WAS a joke but now I'm gettin' right serious!

BEST SCOTTISH JOKE?????

MURRAY MACLEOD

.....fockin' A damn straight Bubba................

Spaw

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: GUEST,Norman Bates
Date: 22 Dec 07 - 02:36 AM

Copper wire was invented by a Scotsman and a Jew arguing over a farthing.

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: eddie1
Date: 22 Dec 07 - 03:02 AM

An old Scotsman was on holiday in the South of England with his family. They decided to give him an extra treat and took him to France on a day trip. Afterwards he was asked how he enjoyed it. "France is a great place!" he said, "If ye ask fur twa whiskies, they gie ye three!"

Eddie

Subject: RE: voted best scottish joke
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 22 Dec 07 - 04:37 AM

True story, the great Jimmy Shand was staying at a hotel somewhere in Scotland and at breakfast he asked the waitress for some honey for his last piece of toast, when she gave him the smallest portion he had ever seen, he remarked " ah see ye keep a bee "

eric