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Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! (Joke
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: katlaughing Date: 01 Jun 99 - 12:01 AM NOI!! I am LMAO!
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: No Offense Intended Date: 31 May 99 - 11:09 PM This topic is outdated, but might be funny for those downunder: Given the sudden emergence of the One Nation Party as a political force in Australia, the government has indicated that all universities should go about estimating the number of One Nation voters in their student catchment, as a potentially new equity group (the "morally embarrassed"). To assist in this task the Australian Bureau of Statistics has just released a relevant demographic profile, stated in a form that can be added as a question directly to university's enrolment forms. Please action as appropriate. "Please cross out the incorrect response: I am / am not a redneck. As a guide to respondees, you can say that you are a redneck if: ... your bicycle has a gun rack ... you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it ... your mother keeps a spittoon on her ironing board ... the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day ... you think prime entertainment is a sixpack of beer and a bug zapper ... the directions to your house include 'turn off the paved road' ....* your richest relatives just bought a new house and you helped take the wheels off ...** hailstorm hits your house and you have to take it to the body shop for an estimate ...* you have curtains in your truck but not in your house ... the window on the passenger side of your car is a "hefty" bag .. you have a denim leisure suit." *
Please feel free to complete this questionnaire and send to Pauline -----Original ONE NATION MEMBERSHIP APPLICATION =======================================
Name: ________________ (_) Billy-Bob (_) Billy-Joe (_) Billy-Ray (_) Billy-Sue (_) Billy-Mae (_) Billy-Polly (Check appropriate box) Age: ____ Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ N/A Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: (_) Dirt Farmer (_) Dirt Producer (_) Dirt Eater (_) Fish and Chip Shop Owner Spouse's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: (_) Sister (_) Brother (_) Aunt (_) Uncle (_) Cousin (_) Mother (_) Father (_) Son (_) Daughter (_) Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number that are yours: ___ Mother's Name:_______________________ Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure,leave blank) Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed) Do you (_)own or (_)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) ___ Total number of vehicles you own ___ Number of vehicles that still crank ___ Number of vehicles in front yard ___ Number of vehicles in back yard ___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them: ____ truck ____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ kitchen ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_ Do you have a gun rack? (_) Yes (_) No; please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to: (_) The Truth (_)Exposure (_) TV Guide (_) Soap Opera Digest (_) Rifle and Shotgun ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis ___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe: (_)Weekly (_)Monthly (_)Not Applicable Colour of teeth: (_)Yellow (_)Brownish-Yellow (_)Brown (_)Black (_)N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: (_)Red-Man (_)Skoal How far is your home from a paved road? (_)1 mile (_)2 miles (_)what's a 'peved road'? What do you admire most about Pauline? (_) her policies (_) her her skill with interviewers (_) her hair-do (_) the fact that she says just what I think I want to say when I want to say or think what to say ... what was the question again? IF YOU HAVE BEEN ABLE TO ANWARE THIS QUESTIONNAIRE THEN YOU ARE FAR TOO LITERATE FOR OUR ORGANISATION - SO PISS OFF! IF YOU HAVEN'T MANAGED TO GET THIS FAR THEN YOU'RE THE ONE FOR US AND SO SEND YOUR APPLICATION TO PAULINE C/- PAULINE'S FISH SHOP, IPSWICH. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 31 May 99 - 12:19 AM Marc, You have buried two requests in an unrelated thread. I see you did finally post for "Morning Again." And you received a quick reply. I have started a thread entitled Loudon Wainwright III's First 2 Albums to help with the second request. Welcome to the Mudcat. Specific requests do best on specific threads. Many of us Mudcatters do not read every thread. Instead, we read the one's that interest us or one's we feel we have an answer for. That's the best way to get our attention, a specific thread with the specific request in the title. Roger in Baltimore |
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Subject: Tom Paxton's "Morning Again" From: Marc Feingold Date: 30 May 99 - 10:34 PM Does anyone out there have the lyrics to "Morning Again" by Tom Paxton? I cannot find this anywhere and would be forever greatful. My email address (if you got the goods) is: feingold@att.net) I'm including this email address because I'm a novice at the internet and don't want to venture a bet that I'll find myself back at this forum in the near future unless I trip over it. Also -- does anyone know if Loudon Wainwright III's first two LPs are available anywhere...? And/or if they've made it to CD yet? (There would be the one's that came out prior to "Dead Skunk") |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 30 May 99 - 09:49 PM Darkriver, you have a creepy sense of humor--and I love it. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: darkriver Date: 30 May 99 - 09:36 PM Warsaw (UPI)--Poland's worst air disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening. -30- |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Art Thieme Date: 30 May 99 - 02:55 PM A tale: A Pacific Northwest tribe is said to have captured bigfoot. They burnt him at the stake and the sparks that flew into the air from that fire turned into mosquitos. And they've been biteing the people ever since! Art |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 29 May 99 - 08:19 PM No, seed, but he and his brothers live next door. :) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 29 May 99 - 05:47 PM And Alice, the Weekly World News' current issue claims that a bigfoot has been captured alive in Montana. Was he chasing any of your friends? --seed |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Art Thieme Date: 29 May 99 - 05:27 PM Alice, That's amazing!!! Cajun cook, Justin Wilson tells of a fellow from the bayou asking him one day, "Where on the female body is the place called THE YET???" He told the man he had no idea what part of the body would be "the yet"---and he asked the man why did he want to know. The man said, "No real reason, but this newspaper article I'm reading says a woman was shot yesterday and the bullet is IN HER YET !" Alice, I'd refrain from telling your story in Louisiana if I were you! Affectionately, Art |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 29 May 99 - 12:06 PM THE YETI
An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly halfway up the side of the mountain, a member of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow. "Yeti tracks," the sherpa said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do not, under any circumstances, touch the yeti." The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope. Night fell, and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night, the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half-asleep, he looked up to see an enormous eight-foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.
The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.
So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.
The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate. Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Horrified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.
After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it -- somehow the yeti had followed him to England! The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view. Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more. With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight-foot tall yeti towered above the man, who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and in a low rumbling voice the yeti said, "Tag! You're it!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: katlaughing Date: 28 May 99 - 12:25 PM Read in Reader's Digest this month: A young Scotman left home to live on his own for the first time. When his parents phoned after a few weeks to ask how he liked living in his flat, his mother asked what his neighbours were like. He said they were a bit strange, as the man on one side kept banging his head against the wall, while the woman on the other side kept crying and moaning. His mother told him to keep to himself and never mind about such things. He said, "Oh, I do. I just stay in my room and play my bagpipes all day!" kat |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: manylodges (inactive) Date: 28 May 99 - 12:47 AM catspaw49 How do you know when an elephant is having a period? When you wake up in the morning and find a quarter on your dresser and your mattress is missing. A lady has a parrot she purchased from an adopt-a-pet program. She puts the parrot on a beautiful perch in her bedroom. when she starts to take her top off, the parrot straightens up. When she removes her bra, the parrot says: "Nice boobs!" She grabs the parrot, takes him downstairs, and puts him in the freezer for a couple of minutes. She then takes him back upstairs and says: "Now, we'll have no more of that kind of talk." She then unzips her skirt, and the parrot straightens up. When she removes her panties, the parrot says: "Nice ass!" She grabs the parrot, heads downstairs, and puts him back in the freezer for ten minutes. When she opens the door to the freezer, the parrot is covered in frost and shivering. She says: "Now do you have anything to say for yourself?" He says: "Yeah, what did this turkey do? Ask you for a blow job?" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: katlaughing Date: 27 May 99 - 07:22 PM Actually I saw a fer real study in which a favourite area for bears was sprayed heavily with so-called bear repellent; I think it was either pepper spray or something related. Seems it is to bear, as catnip is to cats. They stated it would probably work if aimed right in the face, but spraying it on one's body or one's children as a "repellent" would merely attract the bears, making them want to roll around on you, lap at your clothes and most likely maul you like a cat does a mouse! kat |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bert Date: 27 May 99 - 04:47 PM But ALL my brain cells were slow and weak!! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Allan C. Date: 27 May 99 - 04:46 PM BEAR ADVISORY
In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Santee Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: annamill Date: 27 May 99 - 04:35 PM Hi, This cut and paste again. I hope it works this time. annap
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass. Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates. Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years. So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars! Quaff that pint! Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldn't deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be!
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 27 May 99 - 06:32 AM The chalk mark awakens another story!!! It seems these two fellows, not among the higher IQ set, had rented a boat to go fishing. Their day was a huge success, catching the limit on everything. As they were rowing back to shore one said to the other, "We should have marked that spot so we can find it again next time." His partner replied, "I'm way ahead of you, I put a mark on the side of the boat!" Came the retort, "Well that was stupid, what if we don't get the same boat next time?" Or this one: Two boys had inherited a very small farm on the passing of their father and they decided that they would split everything evenly. There were two horses, and it was decided that in order to identify ownership some sort of distiguishing mark should be used. The one lad said, "Let's crop the tail of one so that we can tell them apart!" Good Idea!" Said the other. The chore having been accomplished, the two were walking back toward the house when one turned and looked back. He said to his brother, "You know, we didn't have to crop the tail on that horse, the white one stands a whole head taller than the black one!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger the zimmer Date: 27 May 99 - 06:14 AM The Pat & Mike joke I remember my Irish grandfather telling me was as corny as the rest: Pat & Mike were arranging to meet in town. "How will I know if I've missed you or not?" "If I get there first I'll put a chalk mark on the wall and if you get there first you can rub it off" It amused me at the time but then I must have been 8 or younger! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 27 May 99 - 03:19 AM Ron Thomason of the Dry Branch Fire Squad came up with a couple for the banjo jokes list: talking about their cds and other stuff for sale at intermission--"Also we've got our brain shield hats over on the table. Wear one and you can look a banjo player right in the eye without losing even a point off your IQ." [as best as I can remember it}, and [likewise], describing a tedious experience the band had endured: "It was awful...bad enough even to bore our banjo player." --seed |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Barbara Date: 27 May 99 - 01:47 AM And then they come down with Toxic Flock Syndrome. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: catspaw49 Date: 27 May 99 - 12:08 AM Uh, how old are you Bri? Know why God invented sheep? Yeah, that's right, tampax for elephants. catspaw |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bri Date: 26 May 99 - 07:40 PM Ok, this has to be one of my all time fav. jokes... Why do ducks have flat feet?? To stamp out burning forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet?? To stamp out burning ducks!! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: JZG Date: 25 May 99 - 07:35 PM What's the difference between a rock? (A: The more you polish it.) What's worse than biting an apple and finding a worm? (A: Biting an apple and finding half a worm.) And what's worse than biting an apple and finding half a worm? (A: Getting hit by a train.) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 25 May 99 - 07:22 PM An older gentleman having recently moved to another part of Ireland where he was not know goes into the local pub and orders three pints of Guiness. He then takes the three pints, finds himself a table and proceeds to drink the pints after tapping them all together and giving a toast. This goes on each night therafter. The innkeeper, bursting with curiousity at this nightly ritual, finaly asks the man, "Why do you perform tis routine each evening?" The oldtimer explains that in his previous home he and two of his mates had agreed that no matter where any of them moved that they would each drink three stouts a night in their honor. One went to Australia, one moved to Canada and this old timer had relocated here, continuing the agreed upon ritual. Time passed and one day he came in and ordered only two stouts, taking them to his table and slowly drinking them down. The next night, the inkeeper having noticed the change in routine went to the old man's table and told him he was sorry to see that he was now only getting two pints, and commiserating with the old gentleman on the loss of one of his mates. "Oh, you've got it all wrong," said the old timer, "all three of us are still very much alive!" "It's just that I've given up drinking!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Terry Date: 25 May 99 - 07:03 PM Mary and Annie are sipping tea at a table by the kitchen window when Mary says, "Now, will you look at that, Annie? Here comes your man up the garden path and he's carrying with him a dozen red roses." "Oh, no!" cries Annie in despair to her friend. "You know what THAT means. He'll expect me to be lying flat on me back, with me legs spread wide apart for a WEEK!" "Why Annie!" exclaims Mary in horror. "Don't you have a vase?" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 25 May 99 - 06:46 PM Oh, that reminds me of another. An old drunk man falls to the floor of the pub, and the barkeep tellshim he'll have to leave. He can't pull himself up so he drags himself out to the sidewalk and starts pulling himself and crawling to his home. When he gets there, he pulls himself up to his door and opens it, pulls himself in, and crawls into bed and passes out. Next morning, his wife wakes him rather unfriendly like, and bellows "You've been at the pub again, haven't you??" He say "how did you know that??" She says "Well, the bar called and you forgot your wheelchair again!!!" NOI - apologies to anyone offended. Love, Anna
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 25 May 99 - 06:36 PM An Irishman staggers home from the tavern late one night with a pint of good whiskey in his back pocket. As drunks will do, he stumbles and falls. When he slowly gets up again, he feels some liquid running down the back of his leg. He mutters a short prayer, "Lord, let it be blood." He finally gets home and his wife is asleep. He goes to the bathroom to assess the damage. Sure enough the pint is OK, but as he pulls down his pants and looks in the mirror he sees several cuts on his rear that are still bleeding. He cleans himself off as best he can and gets some bandaids from the medicine cabinet. He has to use the mirror to see where to put the bandaids, but eventually he is successful at covering the damage and goes off to bed. The next morning, his wife wakes him up much too early. Shesays, "Ah, you were drunk last night!" He pleads innocence, but she presses on. "Oh, I knew you were drunk as soon as I saw the bandaids on the bathroom mirror!" NOI toward anyone of the Irish persuasion. Roger in Baltimore |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: John OSh Date: 25 May 99 - 05:58 PM Thought this one was a riot... An American tourist is sightseeing in Scotland and stops into a pub to get a pint. As he sits at the bar, he sees and old man sitting there, muttering angrily to himself. Suddenly, the old man looks at the tourist and says to him: "Ye see that stone fence out there." The tourist replies: "Why, yes, that's a might long stone fence" "Well" says the old one, "I built it myself, dug up the stones, and laid it out, stone by stone for a mile. And do they call me McGregor the Fence builder! Hell No!" Taken aback by the oldtimers passionate reply,, the American say "Sorry to hear that." "And do ye see that big barn across the field" says the old one. "Mighty big barn" say the American. "Aye, and I cut down the trees, planed the wood, and built it, plank by plank. And do they call me McGregor the Barn Builder! Hell No!" "Sorry to hear that." again replies the American. Then McGregor says "But you have sex with one sheep..." No offence to any sheep is meant :). |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 25 May 99 - 04:13 PM Proverbs re-written by first graders.
A first grade teacher provided his students with the first half of well-known proverbs and asked the kids to complete them. Here are some of the best:
Better to be safe than................punch a 5th grader
Strike while the......................bug is close.
It's always darkest before............daylight savings time
Never underestimate the power of......termites.
You can lead a horse to water but.....how?
Don't bite the hand that..............looks dirty.
No news is............................impossible.
A miss is as good as a................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you........will stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.......................me.
The pen is mightier than..............the pigs.
An idle mind is.......................the best way to relax.
Where there is smoke, there's.........pollution.
Happy is the bride who................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is......................not much.
Two is company, three's...............The Musketeers.
None are so blind as..................Helen Keller.
Children should be seen and not.......spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed.........get a new battery.
You get out of something what you.....see pictured on the box.
When the blind lead the blind.........get out of the way.
There is no fool like.................Aunt Edie.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and.....................you have to blow your nose. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bert Date: 25 May 99 - 03:57 PM I'm a Jedi Knight and I'M OFFENDED!!! Good though. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Cara Date: 25 May 99 - 03:43 PM Timely. No offense to any rednecks. You Might Be A Redneck Jedi Knight If: 1. You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." 2. Your Jedi robe is camouflage. 3. You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. 4. At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored. 5. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. 6. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. 7. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. 8. Wookies are offended by your B.O. 9. You have ever used the force to get yourself another Bud Light so you didn't miss a NASCAR interview with any of the Allisons. 10. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. 11. Your father has ever said to you,"Shoot, son, come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot." 12. You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. 13. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. 14. You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. 15. You have the doors of your X-Wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. 16. Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. 17. You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. 18. You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with a redwood deck. 19. You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. 20. If you hear: "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle." 21. If you're wife has to ask you to get the Hyperdrive motivator out of the Bathtub. 22. If when addressing the Jedi Council you use "Bubba" for more than half of them. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Steve Latimer Date: 25 May 99 - 01:23 PM Banjer, loved your supermarket joke. It reminded me of an old one that I repeat for the benefit of the few of you who haven't heard it. A man was the human Cannonball for the circus for twenty five years. One day he goes to the circus owner and says "You have to find another job for me, I'm getting too old to be the human cannonball, my ears hurt from the bang, my bones ache from the landing, my bruises last longer. I'm willing to do anyhting else, juggle, sweep up, sell tickets anything." The circus owner looks him straight in the eye and says "but where will find someone of your calibre?" Sorry folks, but I love a really bad joke. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bert Date: 25 May 99 - 12:49 PM Stick with your VAX Anna, at least it has an operating system. Bert. (on NT. Where oh where has my command line gone?) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 25 May 99 - 11:57 AM Ha ha, Thank you Allen. I didn't know how to get the carriage return in the right place. Sound pretty dumb for a programmer/analyst, huh? I work on vax and stratus minis. I'm painfully unknowledgable about PC's. I'm getting there though. Annap aka APAVAO |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Allan C. Date: 25 May 99 - 10:50 AM Aw heck, Anna! Lets give it one more shot. It is pretty darn good. Anyone who has done much traveling has run into similar conversations. Of course, I would hate to think what my poor attempts at other languages might sound like to those who speak it well...
This was nominated "best email of 1997":
Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bill D Date: 25 May 99 - 02:37 AM I see I am late getting to this thread due to my recent computer problems...so I will just note my favorite Unitarian hymn..."We Would Rather Not Be Moved" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: catspaw49 Date: 24 May 99 - 10:46 PM Roger I love those 90's lists......they are the classic, "T'wouldn't be funny if it weren't true" things. Very painful!!! catspaw |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 24 May 99 - 09:33 PM No offense intended to those of you in law enforcement or Texas. ------
TOP 12 THINGS NOT TO SAY TO A PATROL OFFICER
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Jeri Date: 24 May 99 - 08:31 PM Is it just me, or has anyone else felt compelled to change channels on the TV periodically so the screen saver doesn't kick in? |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 24 May 99 - 08:13 PM Well, here's one for all you "older" Mudcatters. 10 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90'S!! - You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years. - You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. - You try to enter your password on the microwave. - You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted." - You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?" - Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site. - You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year. - You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for your e-mail buddies via a web page. - Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play, called "Rocking to the Oldies" - You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea. Enjoy. Roger in Baltimore |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: LEJ Date: 24 May 99 - 06:46 PM Well APAV, I thought it was quite funny both times!Some of the punctuation was a bit Aggie -nizing. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Indy Lass Date: 24 May 99 - 04:11 PM I went to Michigan State. I thought we were the original "aggies." Anyway, you ought to call this thread "The Mudcraic." ;-)) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bert Date: 24 May 99 - 03:50 PM It was BK who started the Aggie jokes. However I used to work in Dallas and I can assure you that they are not jokes, they are all true stories:-) Bert |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 24 May 99 - 03:35 PM Oh Bert, I didn't mean to make an 'aggie' joke! If this offended anyone I'm sorry. My friend Victor (actually Cheng-wen) loved it. I thought the fun was in trying to interpret it. I hate ethnic jokes. Again, my apologies. Annap aka APAVAO |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 24 May 99 - 03:10 PM Is it true that, after the praise heaped upon The Full Monty, that in Canada they are making a more risque version, called The Full Mountie? |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Bert Date: 24 May 99 - 01:57 PM There are no Aggie jokes. Bert. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 24 May 99 - 01:46 PM Ok, ok, ok. RS: = room service, G: = guest. Oh, never mind. It's very funny.....maybe... L.A.
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 24 May 99 - 01:43 PM Ok, one more time!! I hope this one comes out better. Annap This was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review..... Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish do odor sunteen??" G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" RS: "Ow July den?" G : "What??" RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please." RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" G : "Crisp will be fine" RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" G : "What?" RS: "San tos. July San tos?" G : "I don't think so" RS: "No? Judo one toes??" G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means." RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?" G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine." RS: "We bother?" G : "No..just put the bother on the side." RS: "Wad?" G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side." RS: "Copy?" G : "Sorry?" RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??" G : "Whatever you say" RS: "Tendjewberrymud" G : "You're welcome" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 24 May 99 - 01:39 PM Thanks Paw. I was feeling even stupider than normal, figuring you all knew what this was about. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 24 May 99 - 01:33 PM I'm sorry!! I just cut it out of my e-mail and pasted it here. I had no idea. Let me see if I can clean it up. I think it might be worth the trouble. Annap |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 24 May 99 - 01:32 PM It's The Attack Of The Killer Vees. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: catspaw49 Date: 24 May 99 - 01:13 PM >>Just>>what in t>>he>>everlast>>ing hell is>> goin>>>>g >>on>>>> with th>>e>>>>>Tont>>>>o effe>>ct>> here>>?>?>?>?>>>? ca>t>>>s>pa>>w |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Date: 24 May 99 - 12:41 PM This is really annap. Hope you all had a great weekend. Do any of you sleep?? Wonderful thread!! > > This was nominated "best email of 1997". A telephonic exchange > > between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in Asia, > > which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic > Review..... > > > > Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees" > > Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service" > > RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??" > > G : "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs" > > RS: "Ow July den?" > > G : "What??" > > RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?" > > G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled > > please." > > RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?" > > G : "Crisp will be fine" > > RS: "Hokay. An San tos?" > > G : "What?" > > RS: "San tos. July San tos?" > > G : "I don't think so" > > RS: "No? Judo one toes??" > > G : "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo > > one toes' means." > > RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish > > mopping we bother?" > > G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' > > > Fine. > > Yes, an English muffin will be fine." > > RS: "We bother?" > > G : "No..just put the bother on the side." > > RS: "Wad?" > > G : "I mean butter...just put it on the side." > > RS: "Copy?" > > G : "Sorry?" > > RS: "Copy...tea...mill?" > > G : "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all." > > RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease > > > baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and > > copy....rye??" > > G : "Whatever you say" > > RS: "Tendjewberrymud" > > G : "You're welcome" > |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: danl Date: 24 May 99 - 07:58 AM hmm. that didnt work too well did it. never mind, if you ignore all these >>> things its not too bad. sorry about that. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: danl Date: 24 May 99 - 07:09 AM the below is actualy not too sick or perverse, i have been sent some very amusing but frankly rather foul emails which i MIGHT share depending on just how far this thread goes. the below is still funny though! tee hee hee love ivy b. >An anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or > >rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are > >exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to > >waste or is deadly at Scrabble. > > > >Dormitory Dirty Room > > > >Evangelist Evil's Agent > > > >Desperation A Rope Ends It > > > >The Morse Code Here Come Dots > > > >Slot Machines Cash Lost in 'em > > > >Animosity Is No Amity > > > >Mother-in-law Woman Hitler > > > >Snooze Alarms Alas! No More Z's > > > >Alec Guinness Genuine Class > > > >Semolina Is No Meal > > > >The Public Art Galleries Large Picture Halls, I Bet > > > >A Decimal Point I'm a Dot in Place > > > >The Earthquakes That Queer Shake > > > >Eleven plus two Twelve plus one > > > >Contradiction Accord not in it > > > > > >This one's truly amazing: > > > >To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind > >to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. > > > >And the Anagram: > > > >In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, > >Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten." > > > > > >"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." > >Neil Armstrong > > > >The Anagram: > > > >"A thin man ran; makes a large stride, left planet, pins flag on moon! > >On to Mars!" > > > > > >And for the grand finale: > > > >The following phrase is a perfect anagram to start the impeachment > >trial: > > > >PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA > > > >It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter > >only once) into: > > > >TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS tee hee hee! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 24 May 99 - 06:40 AM The 'Spaw is right!! All of those that feel qualified are asked to raise their right hand, place their left hand on the monitor and read the following: I, (insert your name), do solemnly affirm that I am SICK and PROUD of it! I further attest that I will continue this practice and work hard to sharpen my skills at sickness and perversity! I will share the fruits of my labors at any opportunity and always defend my right to do so. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 23 May 99 - 11:01 PM Catspaw, I know I asked folks to keep this one for irony and humour only. No serious stuff - but dammit I'm SO GLAD TO HAVE YOU BACK! rick (a bit embarrassed at the emotion, but fuck it!) |
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Subject: Lyr Add: TALKING SOCIALIZED ANTI-UNDERTAKER BLUES From: catspaw49 Date: 23 May 99 - 09:22 PM You know, as someone who takes a bit of flak for being whatever I am, I must say that some of you know some really perverse jokes!!! I can't remember jokes to save my ass. Sarcastic rambling is a bit more down my alley. But I gotta' say that Rick really started one here......some of you need to step up and take the "I'm Sick and Proud of It" oath. Y'all are hidin' your lights under the proverbial bushels. But as I was taking a shower (stall's clean Alice) I got to thinkin' about "Irony" and a song I've been singin' for about thirty years. Considering my recent problems, it suddenly hit me how ironic this thing really was. Not a Talkin' Blues, but kind of a "talker" the song is by one of my favorite people, Patrick Sky. It also occurs to me that I'm a sorta' Pat Sky Juke Box......anyway, I'm sure I've changed a word or two over the years ( and specifically the price, but basically it goes like this:
Now I'm just a plain old country hick,
Well it all started a couple years ago
Now friends as you can plainly see,
"Joe's Undertaker's..We have lots
So I went in and sat right down
Now friends, as you can plainly see,
catspaw
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 23 May 99 - 04:12 PM Three bulls were standing munching some grass. One says" Did ya hear the news? The farmer just bought a new bull, supposed to arrive today."The biggest bull snorts "Well I've got 30 cows in the north 40, and if he thinks he's takin any of em, he's DEAD wrong."The middle sized bull spits out some grass "Well I had to fight YOU for the 10 cows I've got in the south 20, and I ain't given em up." The Littlest bull, horns just barely peekin through says " I finally got a fine pair of cows over by the barn and I MEAN to keep em!" About this time a tractor-trailer pulls up, the farmer drops the gate, and a 2200 pound bull comes thundering down the ramp,ring in his nose and three feet of horns."You know", says the big bull, "it'd be selfish of me to horde all those cows. I guess I could let the new guy have a couple." The middle bull says "yeah, he seems like a nice guy. I'd split my herd with him seein as how they're so much trouble anyway." They turn to look at the little bull, who is snorting, pawing the ground and glaring at this massive new bull."WHAT in HELL are you DOING?" they shout. Little bull says "I just want him to know I'm a BULL!" LEJ |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 23 May 99 - 02:07 PM There is one almost as bad that women don't seem to laugh at as loud. It seems this couple, husband and wife, were going to a masquerade party dressed as a bull and a cow. They were driving along the country road to their destination when the car quit. The husband pointed out that they could get where they were going by taking a shortcut across the field. So they donned the rest of their costumes and started out across the field. Halfway there they were spotted by a rather large and amorous bull, heading their way. Said wife to husband, "What are we to do?" Husband replies, "Well, dear, I'm gonna stand here and act like I'm grazing, you better brace yourself!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Clarence (mawinlaw) Date: 23 May 99 - 12:15 PM My all time favorite joke: A man wants to buy a farm. A realtor takes him to a farm for sale and it is perfect in every way. The man is ready to sign the contract to purchase when a swarm of bees flies by. The purchaser says "I cannot possibly go through with the deal because I am just terrified of Bees." The realtor replies,"These are honey bees from the next farm and will not bother you at all. However, I understand your fear and I have a proposition for you. I want you to strip naked and I will tie you to that tree out in the pasture and I will come back for you in the morning. If you have so much as one bee sting on you, I will buy the farm and deed it to you, but if there are no bee stings, we go through with the deal as written." Well, the man sees a chance to get this beautiful farm for nothing so he screws up his courage, strips down, and lets the realtor tie him to the tree. The next morning the realtor returns and the man is hanging against the ropes just darned near dead. The realtor shouts, "Oh my God, did the bees sting you?" The man repllies weakly, "Never mind the bees, but doesn't that calf have a mother?" Somehow or other, men do not seem to think this joke is as funny as women do. Hmmmmmmm. hahahahahahyukyuk. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 23 May 99 - 10:19 AM Irony and Humor... I guess this is the right place. alice --------
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied only a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate needs. The American then asked, "but what do you do with the rest of your time?" The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos; I have a full and busy life."
The American scoffed, "I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise." The Mexican fisherman asked, "But, how long will this all take?" To which the American replied, "15-20 years." "But what then?" The American laughed and said that's the best part. "When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich; you would make millions." "Millions.. Then what?" The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take a siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play guitar with your amigos." |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 23 May 99 - 09:14 AM Heard about the grocery store bag boy who saw this new piece of equipment being moved into the store. It was set up near the produce department. His curiousity was getting the better of him so he asked his manager what that new device was. His manager told him it was a juce making apparatus, explaining that customers would select the fresh fruit and then take it to the machine's operator to be squeezed. The ULTIMATE in fresh squeezed fruit juices! The lad said that he would like to be the one to operate this machine. His manager had to decline his request with the explanation that 'baggers cannot be juicers' |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 23 May 99 - 04:22 AM Since we're on to dog stories I love Gamble Rogers tale of the fellow that sticks his head into the biker bar and asks who owns the Great Dane that is hitched to the lamp post outside. A large man stands up and says it is his dog, finest animal he has ever owned, most noble of beasts. "He's DEAD," says the other fellow, "my dog just killed him!" "Your dog killed my Great Dane, my Lord, what kind of dog do you own?" "A Chihuaha" "A Chihuaha killed my large Great Dane? How did he do that?" "I believe he got stuck in his throat!!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bseed(charleskratz) Date: 23 May 99 - 03:02 AM This is from Art Thieme, off his CD (from memory, so not in Art's exact words). My dog got his tail caught in a door--cut it right off. He bled to death. His ghost came back and haunted me--wanted his tail back. So I took him to a liquor store--that's where they retail spirits. --seed |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 22 May 99 - 11:51 PM Alice, I've got such a stomache ache tonight, I can barely click the mouse - let alone be sardonic or even be a teensy bit funny...but you're makin' me LAUGH OUT LOUD! ....ooooh! the agony! oooooh! the ecstasy! Rick (who ate too much in Rochester last night) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:44 PM ...notice how we haven't ignored this thread? alice ----------- A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowdalternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear..." |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:37 PM
These ideas about science were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders.
They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that "the most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."
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*The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.
*When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
*Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.
*Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.
*Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.
*Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.
*To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.
*A monsoon is a French gentleman.
*Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
*Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:35 PM CATHOLIC MATH
Little Tommy was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; tutors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last ditch >effort, they took Tommy down & enrolled him in the local Catholic School.
After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room & starts studying. Books & papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed. She calls him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.
This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great trepidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math. She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head. "Well then," she replies, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?" Little Tommy looks at her and says, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:32 PM Is There Humor After Death?
REINCARNATION Two lovers interested in spiritualism and reincarnation vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their dying. As luck would have it, a few weeks later the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, dear John; this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John; I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "Well what do you do all day," asked Martha. "Well Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but sex until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then have more sex until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11pm." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven is really like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven Martha." "Well then where are you?" "I'm a jack rabbit in Arizona."
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:31 PM OK, some of you know I have fond (?) memories of being in Catholic school in the 50's and 60's, so, as kat would say, no offense intended. alice ------ Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, were traveling through Europe in their car. They got to Transylvania and were stopped at a traffic light when suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumped onto the hood of their car and hissed at them, through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouted Sister Marilyn, "what shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switched them on and knocked Dracula about, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" Sister Marilyn shouted. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," said Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turned on the windshield washer. Dracula screamed as the water burned his skin, but he hung on and continued hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouted Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," said Sister Helen. "OK! - now you're talking," said Sister Marilyn, and she opened the window and shouted, "Get the **** off our car!"
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 22 May 99 - 08:40 PM Ah, speaking of signs, I often wonder about the sign in our local grocery emporiums: SHIRT AND SHOES REQUIRED! Does that mean pants and hat are optional? |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: puzzled Date: 22 May 99 - 08:27 PM There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. The only gracious way to accept an insult is to ignore it. If you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved. He who hesitates is sometimes saved. And since we got into a little heat between USA and England in the guns thread i include this here for comic relief. Signs actually seen in England ... ( that's if you can believe all the email you get ) Sign in a Laundromat: AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT Sign in a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS In an office: WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD On a church door: THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.) Outside a second-hand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN? Sign outside a new town hall which was to be opened by the Prince of Wales:THE TOWN HALL IS CLOSED UNTIL OPENING. IT WILL REMAIN CLOSED AFTER BEING OPENED. OPEN TOMORROW. Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO Outside a disco: SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME Sign warning of quicksand: QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL Notice sent to residents of a Whiltshire parish: DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER Notice in a dry cleaner's window: ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF Sign on motorway garage: PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR Notice in a field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK) Spotted in a toilet in a London office block: TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW Sign in a Japanese hotel: SPORTS JACKETS MAY BE WORN BUT NO TROUSERS Sign in Egyptian hotel: IF YOU REQUIRE ROOM SERVICE, PLEASE OPEN DOOR AND SHOUT, "ROOM SERVICE!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 22 May 99 - 08:00 PM As an afterthought that last line could read, "only one of them is mine, the other belongs to the banjo (or bodhran, tiple, accordian or other instrument) player that rented the basement!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 22 May 99 - 07:56 PM A young feller well versed in the art of real estate sales went into an office in a very rural part of the country and asked for a job. The owner of the firm told him he had no openings at the time. The fellow argued that he couldn't afford not to hire him, that he would make him a very rich man. "OK," replied the owner,"I have listed a piece of property that I have been unable to move for five years. If you can sell it within a week, you have a job for life!" Five days went by and the young feller reappeared with a signed contract, the property, an old wooden two seater outhouse on a half acre of land had been sold! A week went by and as the new member of the firm was driving out to see another prospective buyer he noticed two TV antennas on the outhouse he had sold last week. Curiousity got the better of him, he stopped and knocked on the door of the outhouse. Its new occupant answered the door. "Why do you have two TV antennas on this small building" The owner replied, "Oh only one of them is mine, you see I rented out the basement to another feller!" |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: LEJ Date: 22 May 99 - 07:05 PM Guy walks up to Ranger Bob and says" I wanted to go fishing on Big Bear Lake, so I found an Indian guide in town who had a sign on his place that said Catch your Limit of Walleye Guaranteed . We went out to the middle and this guide, Ralph Runningdeer, opens his tacklebox and pulls out a stick of dynamite. He lights it off his cigar and throws it in the lake. Six seconds later the boat jumps a foot in the air and a dozen Walleye come floatin to the surface, along with 7 or 8 Bluegill, a catfish and a rubber tire." The Ranger frowns and promises he'll put an end to this. The next day Ranger Bob dons a clever disguise, positions his assistant Ranger Bill in the bushes by the Lake with a videocamera, and charters Ralph Runningdeer to take him fishing. Sure enough, they get to the middle of the lake and Ralph opens his box to produce a stick of dynamite with a short fuse."Hold it right there,Ralph" says Ranger Bob." I am a US Forest Ranger and I have a man in the bushes filming you right now. You are under arrest." Ralph stares at the Ranger about 5 seconds, calmly lights the fuse off his cigar and hands the dynamite to Bob. "Ranger Bob," says Ralph," do you wanna talk or fish?" LEJ |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: BK Date: 22 May 99 - 03:08 PM How about "aggie" jokes? How many aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? Answer: three; one to eat the armadillo, one to watch the highway each direction. Why don't they serve ice water at A&M anymore? The senior with a recipe finally graduated. Aggie jokes are great because you don't have to pick on any specific racial or ethnic group; you can pick on them all equally because anybody can be an aggie nowadays, all you have to do is get admitted to Texas A&M university. No longer it is the student body almost exclusively white and male, and not all are in the cadet corps. In fact men and women of any race or religion can now be admitted to Texas A&M. They even let blondes into that school, and once they are aggies, they needn't be the victims of "blonde jokes." (have to be careful - I'm married to a blond!) Cheers, BK |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 22 May 99 - 02:53 PM Ahh, that's the spirit. Now in another thread, that might get someone's religious dander up, but here in the "questionable humour" sanctuary, they can just haul off and give you a (metaphysical) pie in the faith! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: BK Date: 22 May 99 - 02:48 PM I thought that was the Unitarian dyslexic insomniac, trying to figure out if, indeed, there is a Dog? Cheers. (the slightly off-center typical/atypical, - oh, who cares? - don't know that answer either, - Unitarian), BK |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Banjer Date: 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM Is that the fellow that was up all night trying to understand dog? |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 22 May 99 - 02:26 PM Well? (delivered in an ironic tone of voice) |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 22 May 99 - 02:21 PM NO! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: LEJ Date: 22 May 99 - 02:12 PM Have you heard the one about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac? |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bbc Date: 22 May 99 - 01:29 PM I like it, Michael! Now, my son will have both halves of the joke & *he'll* be able to tell it right! bbc |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: MichaelM Date: 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM The Dalai Lama hot dog joke (make me one with everything) has a second half. The Dalai Lama gives the hot dog vendor $10. The hot dog vendor hands him the hot dog, pockets the money and turns away. The Dalai Lama objects, saying, "Hot dogs are only $3. Where's my change?" The vendor replies "Change must come from within". Michael |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 22 May 99 - 01:13 PM Our friend Musicman sent me this.
I have a selling checker, |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: katlaughing Date: 22 May 99 - 12:07 PM The Make Me One With Everything is on a tshirt at Northern Sun Mechandising! Got these off the net about a year ago: Why ask why? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days of the year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed would milk come out her nose? If nothing else sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why is it when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes, why can't they make the plane out of the whole substance? Why do noses run and feet smell? Why is brassiere singular and panties plural? How is it that a building burns up as it burns down? THANKS, RICK....GREAT THREAD! Kat
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 22 May 99 - 11:36 AM Rick, Be alert, lerts have more fun! RiB |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Alice Date: 22 May 99 - 11:06 AM Ok, now, are you daring to get me started again with the jokes like on the "cheer me up PLEASE" thread? I could go on forever, and you will end up begging me to stop. Here goes:
Vocabulary Builders
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa dek' strus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet yoo a' shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum cleaner one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater or on an airplane.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyoo lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even if you're only six inches away from it. alice |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Moonchild Date: 22 May 99 - 10:59 AM How do you catch a unique fish? You 'neak up on him. How do you catch a tame fish? Tame way, you 'neak up on him. moonchild |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Cuilionn Date: 22 May 99 - 09:50 AM Mak me ane wi' th' wiarks...wuidnae that be mair o' a Catholic approach? --Cuilonn, whae finds hersel' wantin' a guid hot dog th' noo, an' 'tis anely 8:00 in th' mairnin'! |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bbc Date: 22 May 99 - 08:59 AM I love it! Reminds me of the knock-knock banana joke. You say who's there--banana many times & then say "Orange you glad I stopped saying banana?!" Simple jokes are the only ones that stay in my (apparently simple) head! bbc |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Margo Date: 22 May 99 - 08:45 AM Of course! It reminds me of the one where the guy asks the genie from the lamp to make him a malted. The genie waves his hand and says: You're a malted. I'm sorry, but I really like jokes that are simple and that you can tell to children (must be my inner child) like: Q: What happened when all the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again? A: They took him to a shell station! HaHaHa :o) Margarita |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: bbc Date: 22 May 99 - 08:29 AM OK, I'm going to post my current favorite joke; probably no one will get it. The funniest part for me, though, was my mis-telling of it. It's a 1-liner, told to me by my older son. The Dalai Lama goes up to a hotdog vender & says, "Make me one with everything!" I thought that was pretty good. As I was rehearsing it in my mind to share w/ my friends, it came out, "Give me one w/ the works!" Just not quite the same, folks! best from NY, bbc P.S.--Did anybody get it?
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Penny S. Date: 22 May 99 - 05:44 AM So will I |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 22 May 99 - 05:35 AM And will continue to do so. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 22 May 99 - 05:34 AM So I have ignored this thread, as instructed. |
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Subject: RE: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: The Shambles Date: 22 May 99 - 05:14 AM Rick says. "(jokes take an alert mind)". Well that cuts me out of this one then. |
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Subject: Danger: Irony & Humour - Ignore this thread! From: Rick Fielding Date: 22 May 99 - 04:28 AM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Upon looking at some of my postings in the "religious Knockers", and "Guns-R-Us" threads I fear I have been somewhat rude to Hank, Tucker and Fayduk. If not actually rude, at least a mite sarcastic - and for that I apologise. It occurred to me that others may also at times reach that point where they feel that rational argument has become hopless in certain quarters, and just lose control momentarily. Perhaps this thread can help -or maybe it'll disappear faster than a plate of brownies. All I ask is that we vent with humour alone! Maybe a bit of sardonic wit, or an ironic aside. Perhaps a song parody, stuff like that. Nothing personal, no name calling, just humour and irony. Something to blow off steam. Use it for any thread that has you flummoxed, ie. some "traddie" has just told you that your hero, Bob Dylan can't play guitar and chew gum at the same time! Don't get mad. Don't even get even! Come here and get funny! I personally am in the process of preparing an editorial for all those liberals entitled: "As long as the Red White and Red flies over Canada, you'll never take my guitars away!" I just drove back from a concert in Rochester and I'm too tired to write it now.(jokes take an alert mind)
P.S. I actually found about 90% of the gun threads to be interesting and damn thought provoking, and I'm glad folks feel comfortable enough around here to be so candid with such a difficult issue. So saying, I hope that's the last serious thing that gets said here |
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