BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly

Subject: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:49 AM

The New Simian Monthly, the most influential magazine devoted to the doings of apes and monkeys across America, has devoted its latest issue to dispelling nasty rumors that have been swirling around Chongo's campaign for the presidency.

The cover shows a tasteful and inoffensive picture of Chongo Chimp accompanied by members of his staff, including Renata Carson, an important human member of Chongo's team.

Ms Carson has been in the news for the last few days after this other much more controversial picture surfaced on the Internet: Renata Carson and Chongo Chimp in a casual moment?

The scandalous picture purports to show a naked Chongo Chimp sitting beside Ms Carson on a public beach in California. Now, while it is normal for chimpanzees who are being held in captivity to go about in the nude (as we often see at zoos), it is definitely not normal for those other chimps who, like Chongo, have taken up an equal role with humanity as proud participants in today's multicultural North American society.

Chongo has vigorously denounced the Internet photo as a retouched, edited forgery.

"It's true that me and Renata was takin' a break on the beach that day, okay? Everybody needs a break now and then, and we had been workin' hard in the campaign office for many hours, catchin' up on the paperwork and plannin' strategy. In fact, we was up half the night. So in the morning we decided to go relax on the beach for a bit and we did meet some press people who took photos and you can see some of those photos and I ain't nude in any of the real ones. The part that ain't right, you see, is that someone doctored that one photo and they airbrushed out my swimming trunks, my flipflops, and my panama hat that I wear when I'm on the beach. Some crummy jerk is tryin' to make me look like some uneducated bush ape that don't know any better than to go around in the nude on a public beach in America! Furthermore, they are implyin' an improper behaviour on my part in regards to Ms Carson. This is rank specism and I ain't gonna stand for it. The man that altered that photo is gonna pay dearly for this."

Questioned about Renata's role in the campaign Chongo said that he had full confidence in her character and her expertise.

"I have known Renata for the last 7 years in downtown Chicago where she has worked as a highly respected paralegal and a fundraiser for various progressive causes. I met her a few times here and there on some cases I was workin' on. I knew she was someone you could rely on...but I was still quite surprised and flattered when she volunteered to serve on the Chongo election team in this great election year of 2008. Renata was one of the first human beings to come on board with the APP and she has rapidly moved straight to the top of the command structure at Chongo HQ. She don't look down on apes or monkeys at all, but sees us as complete equals, and those are the kind of people who are goin' to turn this country around and end specism once and for all."

"I am so disgusted at the slurs that have been thrown at this fine woman, and I am outraged that my enemies would go so far as to alter a photograph to impugn my character and hers. I can forgive their attacks on me...but I cannot forgive their scurillous efforts to besmirch the name of this brave young woman who has served her community tirelessly and unselfishly for years and is now serving her country in the same way. I am gonna expose these jerks, these cowardly scandalmongers for what they truly are, and they will rue the day they tried to pull a fast one on Chongo Chimp!"

The New Simian interviewed Ms Carson as well, and she had nothing but praise for Chongo. "He is a breath of fresh air in an election year tainted with the usual crass political games and dirty tricks. I had frankly given up on both the Democrats and the Republicans quite some time ago. They have sold their souls to their corporate donors and they'll say anything to get elected. Then they'll usually do the opposite once they're in power. I could not countenance voting for either one of them. Still, I found myself uninspired by what the Green Party had to offer, and I am no Libertarian. It was a leap of faith that took me to the APP, and that faith has been fully justified in the leadership and vision of Chongo Chimp. Chongo is a man...yes, I think I can use that word without hesitation...he's a man of remarkable courage and honesty. He's not afraid to live by the ideals he truly believes in no matter what others may think about it. Do you know how rare a quality that is in politicians these days? Chongo won't back down. He won't compromise on his ideals. He won't abandon Americans the day after he's elected, and he'll get the job done. That's why I'm working for his campaign. It's time to put a REAL chimp in the White House...not a poor imitation of one."

Well, we've heard that slogan before, haven't we? Are George Bush's ears burning? ;-)

The New Simian Monthly has been endorsing Chongo enthusiastically ever since he announced his candidacy, and their cover art, which shows a well-dressed Chongo Chimp seated with the key members of his election team around him, Renata Carson standing immediately to his left and wearing a very stylish blue dress and jacket, should help to dispell the furor caused by that troublesome photo that's been getting so much attention on the Net.

The New Simian is known for its tasteful and inoffensive coverage, being a publication which always tries to focus on positives rather than negatives. "We don't monkey around" is the motto proudly displayed under their banner, and they have held to that, refusing to stoop to the sort of negative attacks that many of Chongo's political opponents seem much more eager to employ.

We can only wonder which of Chongo's adversaries in the race is behind this latest attempt to derail his campaign. The smart money says it could well be the Democrats...or the Republicans...or it could even be both of them. They both have a lot to lose.

And if Chongo has his way they will both have a lot to learn as well in this election year.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 09:27 AM

Just like a monkey to send one of his apes to shut down the site you linked. I gave it about five minutes and all I got was a white screen and about a quarter of a load bar.

Dirty politics, puttin' the muscle on the reasonable and rational opposition. What you'd expect from a simiocrat (or is that spelled "slimeocrat?").

If he can't produce the picture he's claiming to be so upset about, of course reasonable people are not going to believe he has nothing to hide, especially after his lame explanation of the "sheep picture" that circulated earlier in the campaing.

(And what about that hamster?)

John

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 09:50 AM

And what about Joan Baez' love child? He hasn't even begun to explain THAT!

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 12:40 PM

I don't know why you would have trouble loading that picture, John. It takes about 1 second for me to load it off the same link.

Well, anyway, here's the link again:

Renata and Chongo? Altered Photo?

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 12:43 PM

By the way, notice how this thread is drawing very little comment? That's because the title contains the word "inoffensive". No one is interested in anything inoffensive!

I guess I am going to have to get a Joe Clone to change that title so that it has some word like "scandal" in it. ;-) The media are obviously right to be so negative and sensational in their coverage. Shit draws flies.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:01 PM

I've tried the New Simian Monthly and found it rather dry and tasteless unless you put a good salsa on it. Ketchup is okay too and catsup is a little better, but Lea & Perrins does nothing for it at all. Stick with the salsa.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:02 PM

Little Hawk,

Do you think I should actually READ all of that writing you started out with, or can I just start slinging swinging?

Stilly River Simian

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:02 PM

Hawk, I for one take great offense to that thread. I suggest Chongo become a candidate for president on the Monkeying Around ticket. But somebody will accuse him of being a knuckle dragger, and will have to apologize for stereotyping. Somebody telling a joke about three hairy apes going into a bar will be called a bigot. And of course if that picture shows up on YouTube, everybody against inter-species relationships will call for him to disavow Renata as a friend and mentor.

Sheesh, LH, what a can of spaghetti you've opened up! BTW, is Chongo a he, or would she become both the first of her species and sex to run?

JotSC

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:09 PM

Speaking of scandal, I'm surprised that the Chongo campaign has had no response to the recent newas story about John McCain telling an Ape Rapes Woman joke back in the 80's. It was discussed on "Countdown" last night.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: CarolC
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:13 PM

Wow. Chongo really looks pissed.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:15 PM

That was back when he was a Republican....

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 01:25 PM

Chongo is extremely male, John. He's as masculine as Humphrey Bogart combined with Chuck Norris. You can't get any more masculine than Chongo.

People already HAVE accused him of knuckle-dragging, poop throwing, and monkeying around. They have accused him of these things frequently, and that just goes to show how our society is still riddled with specism of the worst sort. People think their jokes about apes and monkeys are funny, but they're not funny! They're outrageous and demeaning examples of bigotry of the worst sort.

It will take a lot more enlightened souls like Renata Carson to turn things around, but if we can get a REAL chimp into the White House this time it will cause a sea change in people's attitudes. After that I think we can move forward and put all this kind of gross stereotyping behind us.

Chongo is prepared to reach out to every demographic out there in a way that is inclusive, not divisive.

It has been a confusing election for people who are concerned about these issues of fairness and equality, because after all you had a strong female candidate in Hillary, a strong candidate of mixed racial heritage in Obama, and a strong primate candidate in Chongo. Thus progressive people everywhere have been torn between these 3 very progressive candidates, not knowing which one they should give their support too.

In a way, it's too bad that Chongo and Obama could not join forces now, run on the same ticket, and bring all their supporters together in one grand rainbow coalition that would leave John McCain comatose in the dust! But I don't see that happening, because I doubt that Obama would be willing to run as Chongo's VP. He hasn't given any indication that he would.

Stilly River Simian - Kree-Gah! Get down to your local APP offices at once and lend a hand. YOU can make a difference to the future of your country! Free bananas are given out at the door to all volunteers.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: GUEST,Jack the Sailor
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 02:54 PM

Three hairy apes walk into a bar. Jay Lemur is on stage telling Jimmy Durante jokes about proboscis monkeys. They go to another bar.

Three hairy apes walk into a bar. A penguin tells them he blew a seal and that's just some ice cream on his beak.

Three hairy apes walk into a bar and start talking about bananas.
"I like 'em a bit green" says one.
"No the riper the better" says another.
"I like to mush them before I eat em."
"I like em firm, erect and slightly curved."
"Not me. I like arugula"
"Arugula? What are you? Some kind of elitist?"
The discussion goes on for a while, until a weasel, overhearing the conversation from the street walks in and says. "I knew a Panda who spent untold hours talking about bamboo. What an idiot! Wasting his life talking about bamboo when he could have been talking about hunting small rodents. You all remind me of him."
The apes were kind, there was only pee in the bowl when they flushed the weasel down the toilet.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 03:03 PM

LOL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 03:38 PM

The glossy paper doesn't hold sauces well. I'm suing Chongo because the salsa slid off the magazine and ruined my good pants.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 03:41 PM

You will have to sue the editors instead. Chongo does not own or manage the New Simian Monthly. It's run out of Cincinnati by two chimps, a gorilla, a barbary ape, and an orangutan.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: GUEST,Jack the Howler
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 04:40 PM

The barbary "ape" is actually a monkey. Just because their tails are small there is no need to insult both monkeys and apes by lumping them together. It is a Humocentric term deemed offensive by all lower primates.

And what about the term "New World Monkey"? These innocent Hispanic simians have no involvement with the World Bank or the IMF.

Subject: RE: BS: Tasty and inoffensive New Simian Monthly
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Jul 08 - 07:26 PM

Points well taken, Jack. Yes, Barbary Apes are indeed monkeys. And proud of it.