BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:38 AM

Continued on 6th Joke thread

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:59 AM

Too early n a morning. First posted the "Stock Market Monkey" story of course.

I suppose it isn't a joke really. Sorry.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 02:51 AM

I first posted on September 30th and I claim my £5.00 ($8.00 approx.)

I wonder - time for a 6th joke thread to take us up to Xmas?

At the moment I don't have a joke to start it off.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ernest
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 01:54 AM

Are you expecting the price of the monkey joke to rise?

Do we have a monkey joke bubble?

And where is Chongo when we need him?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 01:05 AM

That's a triple on the monkey joke...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 23 Oct 08 - 04:52 PM

What's the rate of folk processing? How does the text of Kat's post immediately above compare with Cluin's 20 Oct 08 - 03:02 AM ? ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Oct 08 - 04:43 PM

Subject: Monkeys for Sale

Once upon a time a man appeared in a village and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10, and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He next announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further, and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each, and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort even to find a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would buy them on his behalf.

While the man was absent, the assistant told the villagers: 'Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.'

The villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

They never saw the man or his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 08:11 PM

Cheers Dave. Somehow I feel that the moment has passed...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 04:16 AM

FYO

A piñata is a brightly-colored paper container filled with candy and/or toys. It is generally suspended on a rope from a tree branch or ceiling and is used during celebrations. A succession of blindfolded, stick-wielding children try to break the piñata in order to collect the sweets (traditionally sugarcane) and/or toys inside of it. It has been used for hundreds of years to celebrate special occasions such as birthdays, Christmas and Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 22 Oct 08 - 02:43 AM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for any answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium.

She said, "I have a Praise'. Two months ago, my husband Jim had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, "Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time and rest, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Jim and I want to remind my wife that the word is sternum."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Justin U
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 07:49 PM

I broke into and robbed a large shop in Ireland last week.
I nearly got caught, the police had covered all the exits, so I escaped through the entrance.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 07:23 PM

Dunno, Dave, what IS a pinata? It's late and I'm on the Doom Bar you see...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 05:11 PM

"Bungee Jumping In Mexico"

While Al and Joe were bungee jumping one day.
Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own bungee jumping service
in Mexico."

Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their
money and buy everything they'll need: a tower,
an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to
Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather
to watch them work. When they had finished, there
was such a crowd they thought it would be a good
idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps.

He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he
comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts
and scratches. Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch
him, and he falls again, bounces again and comes
back up again.

This time he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses
him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he
comes back pretty messed up. He's got a couple of
broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily Joe
catches him this time and says, "What happened?
Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord
was fine. It was the crowd... WHAT THE HECK IS A
PIÑATA?"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 01:23 AM

A mouse looked through the crack

In the wall to see the farmer

And his wife open a package.



What food might this contain?'

The mouse wondered - - -
He was devastated to discover

It was a mousetrap.



Retreating to the farmyard,

The mouse proclaimed the warning :



There is a mousetrap in the house!
There is a mousetrap in the house!'




The chicken clucked and scratched,

Raised her head and said,

'Mr.Mouse, I can tell this is a grave

Concern to you, but it is of no consequence

To me. I cannot be bothered by it.'





The mouse turned to the pig and told him,



'There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!'





The pig sympathized, but said,

'I am so very sorry, Mr.Mouse,

But there is nothing I can do about it

But pray. Be assured you are in my prayers.'




The mouse turned to the cow and said,

'There is a mousetrap in the house!

There is a mousetrap in the house!'




The cow said, 'Wow, Mr. Mouse.

I'm sorry for you,

But it's no skin off my nose.'

So, the mouse returned to the house,

Head down and dejected,

To face the farmer's mousetrap . . . Alone.

That very night a sound was heard

Throughout the house -- like the sound

Of a mousetrap catching its prey.

The farmer's wife rushed to see what was caught.

In the darkness, she did not see it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught.

The snake bit the farmer's wife.




The farmer rushed her to the hospital,

And she returned home with a fever.




Everyone knows you treat a fever

With fresh chicken soup, so the farmer

Took his hatchet to the farmyard

For the soup's main ingredient.




But his wife's sickness continued,

So friends and neighbors came to sit

With her around the clock.

To feed them,

The farmer butchered the pig.







The farmer's wife did not get well;

She died.




So many people came for her funeral,

The farmer had the cow slaughtered to

Provide enough meat for all of them.

The mouse looked upon it all from his

Crack in the wall with great sadness.

So, the next time you hear someone is

Facing a problem and think it doesn't

Concern you, remember ----

When one of us is threatened,

We are all at risk.




We are all involved in this

Journey called life.

We must keep an eye out for

One another and make an extra effort

To encourage one another.




REMEMBER. . . . .


EACH OF US IS A VITAL THREAD IN ANOTHER PERSON'S TAPESTRY;

OUR LIVES ARE WOVEN TOGETHER

FOR A REASON.




One of the best things to hold onto

In this world is a FRIEND!!


~~~~~~~~~~
I probably should have put this into one of the election threads... :-)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 21 Oct 08 - 12:53 AM

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.



She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.



The frog said to her, 'If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three Wishes.'



The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, 'Thank you, but I failed to Mention that there was a condition to your wishes.



Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!'



The woman said, 'That's okay.'



For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.



The frog warned her, 'You do realize that this wish will also make your husband The most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to'.



The woman replied, 'That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and He will have eyes only for me.'



So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!



For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.



The frog said, 'That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he Will be ten times richer than you.'



The woman said, 'That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is Mine.'



So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!



The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, 'I'd like a mild Heart attack.'



Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.



Attention female readers : This is the end of the joke for you.

Stop here

And continue feeling good.



Male readers :
Please scroll down.



...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

..

...

...

...

....

...

...

...

...

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife.



Moral of the story : Women are really dumb but think they're really
Smart.





Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.



PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that Women never listen.... now run along and put the kettle on, there's a love.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 11:30 PM

The first black man to move into an all-white neighborhood is out mowing his lawn on a Saturday morning. A neighbor happens by, sees him, and says "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" The black man says slowly "Well, I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ythanside
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 11:24 PM

Midwinter in the old West.
Frost-covered cowpoke rides slowly into town.
Dismounts outside the bar.
The drinkers inside watch as he breaks the icicles off the tie-rail and wraps the reins around it.
His horse coughs, and emits a stream of explosive diarrhea.
Cowpoke walks to the back end of the horse, lifts its tail and kisses its asshole.
He saunters into the bar and orders a beer.
The clientele crowd around to gawp at the liquid horseshit running down his chin.
One, braver than the rest, says 'Whut jedoothat fir, pardner?'
Frosted cowpoke points at his mouth. 'Got chapped lips.'
Clientele emit 'Ahs' of understanding, and one says, 'Does horseshit cure chapped lips, then?'
Frosted cowpoke sips his beer, then speaks slowly. 'Nope. But it stops me lickin' 'em.'


PS This is the clean version.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 10:27 PM

Jim Dixon: Not by me.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 09:42 PM

Cluin: That's the SECOND time that story has been posted in this very thread!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 08:48 PM

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener.'
'I didn't bring it,' says Les. 'I thought you packed it.'
Mick gets worried; He turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener??'
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise.
Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
'I KNEW IT...
I'm not going'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bainbo
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 07:28 PM

The saloon doors swung open and three cowpokes, still dusty from the trail, strode in. Two of them were tall, kind of handsome in a grizzled sort of way, and wore their hats pulled low over their eyes in a way calculated to start the ladies fluttering and gossping about who they might be. The third, walking between them, was five foot nothing, tobacco dripping from the end of the grey bristles that stuck out from his jutting chin, and loooked like he'd seen more days in the saddle than both of his companions put together. It was like Gary Cooper and Randolph Scott had teamed up with Gabby Hayes.

Spurs jangling, they made straight for the bar, where they noticed right away that the barmaid was wearing what must have been the shortest dress ever seen in the West - and they couldn't be sure she was wearing a great deal beneath it. It was that kind of establishment.

What they really wanted was a whiskey. But what they wanted even more was to find out what those rustling folds beneath the barmaid's belt concealed. The whiskey was right there behind the bar. But the more unusual drinks, the ones that didn't hardly ever get asked for, were way up a height, right on the top shelves. So high that any bar employee wanting to reach them would have to use a ladder. And there was the ladder, waiting to be used.

The first guy took a look along the topmost shelf. "Gimme a raisin wine," he growled. And three pairs of eyes lifted in unison as the long, smooth legs climbed ladder, and continued to watch as they descended. The owner of the lanky limbs poured the wine. then climbed the ladder to return the bottle to its niche, still with an appreciative audience.

"What are you having, Mister?" she asked the second customer. He knew what to do. "I'll have the raisin wine," he said, and so the whole routine was repeated.

After she returned to the floor level she turned to the third. "What about you, old timer? Is yours a raisin?"

"No, ma'am," he replied. "But it sure is a-twitchin'."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 20 Oct 08 - 03:02 AM

Once upon a time in a village, a flashy man appeared and announced to all the villagers that he would buy monkeys from them for $10 each. The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, left their farms and became monkey wranglers. They went out to the forest and started catching them. The flashy man bought thousands at the proposed price.

The supply started to diminish and monkeys grew much harder to find. The villagers stopped their efforts and returned to their neglected farms.

The flashy man announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 a head. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. But, of course, this depleted the number of monkeys to be found even more and meant it was even more work to catch one. So again people left off monkey wrangling and started going back to their farms.

Now the flashy man increased his offer to $30 each and the resulting supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it.

The flashy man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 apiece!

However, since he had to go to the big city on some business, his less-flashy assistant would now be buying on behalf of him.

But, in the absence of the flashy man, the less-flashy assistant went to the villagers on the side and said, "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the flashy man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 apiece. Then, when the flashy man returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50 each."

So the villagers rounded up all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the flashy man nor his less-flashy assistant again. They were all broke and surrounded by feces-hurling monkeys.

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market really works.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Oct 08 - 04:12 PM

Apparently the airfield at Kanakanak, Alaska, is to be renamed the Palindrome.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Oct 08 - 11:20 PM

There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Every day, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?"

Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her, saying "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying.

One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Humph! I'll fix her."

He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shouting everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" At hearing this, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord.

When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was. She said, "I knew the Lord would provide me with some groceries, but I didn't know he was gonna make the devil pay for them!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 18 Oct 08 - 10:02 PM

The nun in the cab...

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish..'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 08:36 PM

The daffodil gag was in Carry On Nurse. The punchline was a close-up of the daffodil in situ (the actual situ being off-camera) rapidly wilting.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 06:52 AM

A platoon of Aussie soldiers were patrolling north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.'
We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, right wing labor dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'
'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian and acts like one too!'
He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
'And so there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing and chatting away when a truck hit us.'

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 05:19 AM

To Bob the Postman -LOL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 02:01 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.



A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'



Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters ... 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.'


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 01:50 AM

Joe F - that one appeared in one of the (in)famous British Comedy Movies - not sure which one - pretty sure it was not the 'Carry On' series, but if it did, I think it was also in "Once around the daffodils"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 12:31 AM

As the farmer drove his wagonload of manure past the local insane asylum, a patient out in the yard said to him:
"What's that?"
"Manure"
"Whatcha gonna do with it?"
"Put it on my strawberries"
"Damn. I put cream on mine. And they call me crazy."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 11:51 PM

Orderly: Roll over, Sergeant, I have to take your temperature.
. . .
Nurse: Why, Sergeant, what are you doing like that?
Sergeant: The orderly is taking my temperature.
Nurse: With a daffodil?

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 09:28 PM

Words of Wisdom

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the
newspaper you are misinformed.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of
Congress.... But then I repeat myself.
-Mark Twain

I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the
handle.
-Winston Churchill*

A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the
support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which
debt he proposes to pay off with your money.
-G. Gordon Liddy

Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on
what to have for dinner.
-James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people
in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
-Douglas Casey,

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car
keys to teenage boys.
-P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian

Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to
live at the expense of everybody else.
-Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)

Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if
it stops moving, subsidize it.
-Ronald Reagan (1986)

I don't make jokes... I just watch the government and report the facts.
-Will Rogers

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it
costs when it's free!
- P.J. O'Rourke

In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
-Voltaire (1764)

Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn't mean
politics won't take an interest in you!
-Pericles (430 B.C.)

No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in
session.
-Mark Twain (1866 )

Talk is cheap...except when Congress does it.
-Larry Nevels (2008)

The government is like a baby's alimentary canal: a happy appetite at
one end and no responsibility at the other.
-Ronald Reagan

The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the
blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of
misery.
-Winston Churchill

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the
taxidermist leaves the skin.
-Mark Twain

The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to
fill the world with fools.
-Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

There is no distinctly Native American criminal class....save Congress.
-Mark Twain

What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
-Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)

A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong
enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 08:21 PM

Further to the posting above from quokka on 07 Oct 08 at 08:27 AM, here is a photo of Howard the Turtle with Michelle, along with some guy choking his chicken.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 07:29 PM

One day, a long, long time ago, there was a woman who did not whine, nag or bitch.
But that was a long long long time ago, and it was just that one day.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: julian morbihan
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 12:29 PM

Two women talking on Southampton docks

Woman One: "My husband works for Cunard"
Woman Two: "My husband works very hard too"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 10 Oct 08 - 12:11 AM

Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake - both are in intensive care.
One has a dodgy tikka and the other is in a korma.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: curmudgeon
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 03:06 PM

10. Cunard Lines will merge with Aer Lingus...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Oct 08 - 02:17 PM

Investment tips for 2008

With all the turmoil in the market today and the collapse of Lehman Bros and Acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations later on this year:

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name:
TittyTittyBangBang

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Oct 08 - 08:42 PM

Said to be J. Robert Oppenheimer's favorite joke:

A man took his car to the garage to have the tires rotated. After he had driven away about a block, a wheel fell off. The mechanic had forgotten to put the nuts on. While the driver was contemplating the situation, "Hey!" came a voice from above. Looking up, he saw that he had come to rest in front of an insane asylum and an inmate was looking out a barred window. "Hey!" he said, "Take one nut off each of the other four wheels." "Thanks!" said the driver, and then, wanting to be polite, "Say, you're not so crazy after all." "Sure I'm crazy," yelled the madman, "but I'm not stupid."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Oct 08 - 04:50 AM

This guy is looking very depressed and his friend asks him what's wrong... "i have seen a specialist and he says I must take a certain pill each day for the rest of my life"   His friend says "But surely that's not so depressing"? ..... "No said the guy but he only gave me three pills"!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 10:03 PM

What's the square root of 69?
Oh, 8-something.

*

"My car can hold 71 people: two in front, and 69 in the back seat."
A Chinese graduate student was once told that joke. He puzzled for a moment, and then asked "What does two in front mean?"

*

Once there was a man who played the cello incessantly, but he was odd in that his cello had only one string, and he never played but one note on it. Finally, his wife made bold to ask, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other cellists have four strings on their cellos, and they move their fingers around so that different notes come out?" "Sure," he replied, "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

*

A man had made an appointment to see a psychiatrist. He said "I don't think there's anything wrong with me, but my friends insisted. They think I'm crazy because I like pancakes." "Why, there's certainly nothing crazy about that. In fact, I like pancakes myself." "Do you really? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 07 Oct 08 - 08:27 AM

A guy gets an invitation to a fancy dress party, but can't think what to go as. Finally he's gets a brainwave. He turns up at the party, totally naked, carrying his girlfriend. The host looks at them in astonishment. "Er...what have you come as?"

"Oh", he says, "I've come as a turtle. This is Michelle on my back."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 08:19 PM

A man got a phone call from his doctor's office. The doctor said, "I've got some bad news, and I've got some even worse news."

"Uh oh," said the man, "what's the bad news?"

"Well," replied the doctor, "you remember those tests we ran about a month ago? They came back, and the results say you only have thirty days to live."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed the man, "If that's the bad news, what could the even worse news be?"

"Well," said the doc, "we misplaced your phone number and just found it today. The test results came back twenty-nine days ago."

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 07:56 PM

Why is 77 better than 69?









Because you get 8 more...

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 08 - 03:51 PM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his nine-year-old players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

"Yes, sir," the youngster answered.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

"Yes, sir," the player confirmed.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a peckerhead. Do you understand all that?"

"Yes, sir," the boy admitted.

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumbass, is it?"

"No, sir," the boy said, starting to look embarrassed.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your father!"

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Oct 08 - 09:58 PM

Q. Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
A. Alexander the Grape.

Q. Why need you never go hungry on the seashore?
A. Because of the sand which is there.

Q. What does a pious Jew do before he drinks tea?
A. He opens his mouth.

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Alan Day
Date: 04 Oct 08 - 12:43 PM

Sorry Becky in for a penny and in for a quid.
Al

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: astro
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 07:00 PM

Alan,

That's a joke that takes us Americans it bit more than a moment to get the laugh out of... !

~ Becky in Tucson
(Desert Dancer on astro's computer)

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Oct 08 - 06:42 PM

The cure for AIDS is in the palm of your hand.