BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!

Subject: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:36 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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Continued from 5th Joke thread

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 07:39 AM

Did you know that swords are classified by size in roman numerals?


King Arthur had the Grand daddy of 'em all,


his was a size ten.....


or.........



X calibre!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 10:18 AM

Go to your room !

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Oct 08 - 06:25 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 25 Oct 08 - 01:17 AM

Usher!!! This man's annoying me!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 06:24 PM

While I was guest-preaching in a church in Mississippi,
the pastor announced that their prison quartet
would be singing the following evening. I wasn't
aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I
looked forward to hearing them.

The next evening, I was puzzled when four members
of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor
introduced them.

"This is our prison quartet," he said, "behind a few
bars and always looking for the key."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 09:29 PM

What's the difference between a barmaid in the daytime and at night?
In the daytime she's fair & buxom.

What's the difference between a church and a bathtub?
In church you have hope in your soul.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 26 Oct 08 - 10:40 PM

What's the difference between Cirque du Soleil and the Miss America pageant?

Cirque du Soleil is a collection of cunning stunts.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Gurney
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 01:25 AM

What's the difference between a good vacuum cleaner and a Swiss Admiral?
A good vacuum cleaner sucks and never fails.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 05:15 AM

When I was younger I hated going to weddings.

It seemed that all of my aunts and the grand-motherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle 'YOU'RE NEXT.'

They stopped that shit after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:44 AM

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

Her husband said, "Omigod! What should I pack -- beach stuff or mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," said his wife. "Just get out."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:45 AM

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard; I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head; he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out..

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I please come with him tomorrow?

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 08:06 PM

"Waiter! Come over here and taste this soup."
...
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Two old Jews come into a deli. One says, "A glass of tea, please." The other says, "Also a glass of tea -- and make sure the glass is clean." The waiter comes back with two glasses & asks "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

After the fare has left, the cabbie sees that the desperate man has left a huge turd on the seat. He pulls up to a cop and says mournfully "Look at what my last fare left." The cops says "You know the law. Keep it for two weeks, and if nobody claims it, it's all yours."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:12 PM

BillD, I'm getting a strong sense of deja vu on those two jokes...

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 10:35 PM

*wry smile*... well, good humor usually does hit a nerve somewhere. My favorite jokes are ones which say something relevant about being human.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Oct 08 - 11:07 PM

I meant:

Subject: RE: BS: 5th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Foolestroupe - PM
Date: 11 Oct 08 - 02:01 AM

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife...

I know I've seen the tired dog one here too, but it's not from the 5th or 4th thread, so I guess the statute of limitations has run out on that one!


... still good 'uns though!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 08:06 AM

As a plane was flying over the Atlantic Ocean, all of a sudden the engines stop't, the captain said to the passengers "ladies and gentlemen i'am a fraid we or going to have to crash land" one women got out of her chair and started to rip her blouse open and said "i want to be a real women before i die" a man across from her stood-up took his shirt off and said to her "here iron this".

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 03:39 PM

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the United Nations.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion
about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a massive failure, because:

in Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant;
in Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant;
in Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant;
in China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant;
in the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant;
in South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant;
and in the United States, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world'
meant.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:54 PM

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Cluin
Date: 29 Oct 08 - 09:57 PM

It is the spring.

Baby Bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

Mama Bear says, "Baby! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 09:31 AM

"Halloween Costume at Office"

Everyone at the company where I work
dressed up for Halloween.
One fellow's costume stumped us.

He simply wore slacks and a white T-shirt with
a large 98.6 across the front in glitter.

He was a temp.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 10:01 AM

I've been trying to remember the joke about the guy that had a car crash and had a glass eye...does anyone remember this...I think it was a Jimmy Jones joke

Thanks

Quokka

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,The Walrus (on a library machine)
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 12:20 PM

What's the difference between a pigeon and an investment banker?





The pigeon can still afford to leave a sizeable deposit on a Ferrari

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 31 Oct 08 - 09:44 PM

Polly Nomial and Curly Pi

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.

Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point she tripped over a square root which was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she was differentiated once more she found herself alone, apparently in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking inner product. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear co-ordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. Was she still convergent, he wondered. He decided to integrate at once.

Hearing a vulgar fraction behind her, Polly turned round and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and his dissipative terms that he was bent on no good.

"Eureka" she gasped.

"Ho Ho" he said, "what a symmetric little polynomial you are. I can see you're absolutely bubbling over with secs."

"Oh Sir", she protested, "keep away from me, I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator, "your fears are purely imaginary."

"i,i," she thought. "Perhaps he's homogeneous then."

"What order are you," the brute demanded.

"Seventeen", replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on yet", he said.

"Of course no," Polly exclaimed indignantly. "I'm absolutely convergent".

"Come, come," said Curly, "lets off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit".

"Never" gasped Polly.

"EXCHLF" he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He started at her significant places and began smoothing her points of inflection. Poor Polly, all was up. She felt his digit tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence was gone for ever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a Heavyside operator. He integrated by partial fractions. The complex beast even went all the way round and did a contour integration. What an indignity. To be multiply connected at her first integration. Curly went on operating until he was absolutely and completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that evening her mother noticed that she was truncated in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly increased monotonically. Finally, she generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place until she was driven to distraction.

The moral of the story is this: If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom.

http://www.isg.rhul.ac.uk/~sdg/story1.html

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Nov 08 - 09:44 AM

"Seeing Faces"

A man charges into a bank wearing a bandana
and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the
floor!!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a
brave customer yanks off his bandana . The robber
immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts..

"Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering
from behind a counter and goes over and shoots
him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,
waving his gun around. There is silence for a few
seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant
corner..

"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 08:41 AM

What's the difference between a cross-eyed marksman and a constipated owl ?

A cross-eyed marksman shoots but can't hit, and a constipated owl doesn't.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Fifer
Date: 03 Nov 08 - 11:25 AM

what is the capital of Iceland?
about £12.50!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: quokka
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 08:14 AM

oh that's just mean.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 05:14 PM

"Cooking Turkey"

A new young bride calls her mother in tears. She
sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it
was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," the young woman laments. "I bought
a frozen turkey loaf and he yelled at me about the
price."

"Well, that is being miserly," the mother agreed,
"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey roll,
it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane
ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the
directions on the back and it said, 'PREPARE
FROM A FROZEN STATE,' so I flew to Alaska."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 04 Nov 08 - 05:22 PM

Two women chatting over coffee. One says "What's your husband getting you for your birthday?".

"Roses" replied the other, "Its always roses" - with a grimace.

The first lady asks what's wrong with that and she gets the reply that when the husband has given roses he has certain expectations and she didn't like spending three days on her back with her legs in the air.

"Haven't you got a vase?" asked her friend.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Riginslinger
Date: 05 Nov 08 - 05:20 PM

gawd!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 07:58 PM

"Ending Troubles"

"Son, I just know you'll do the right thing by this little
girl," said the preacher. "You just marry her, and you'll
be at the end of your troubles."

So he did the right thing, and he married the girl, and
about six months later when he saw the preacher again
he tried to murder him.

"You miserable liar!" shouted the young man. "You told me
if I married her, I would be at the end of my troubles.
Well, I married her, and she has made my life miserable."

"That may be true, son, but you can't blame me," replied
the minister. "I said you'd be at the end of your troubles,
but I never said which end."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 07:59 PM

"Home Games"

At long last the good-humored boss was
compelled to call Fisk into his office.

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed
out, "that every time there's a home game at the
stadium you have to take your aunt to the doctor."

"You know, you're right, sir," exclaimed Fisk.
"I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's
faking it, do you?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Nov 08 - 09:37 PM

An old Jew on his deathbed asked for a priest. The family was scandalized. "What do you want a priest for?" "I want to be converted. Better that one of them should die than one of us."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 08 - 04:12 PM

"Mathematics vs Morals"

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious
job. To make sure he has the right morals, the
interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across
a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose
lying across the street. What do you do?"

The mathematician responds:

"People's lives are more important than the meeting.
I screw the fire hose into the hydrant and put out
the fire before coming to the office."

The interviewer is impressed, but asks him a follow up
question just to make sure:

"You're late for a meeting when you pass a fire hose
connected to a hydrant, next to a perfectly safe
house. What do you do?"

The mathematician thinks for a moment, then replies:

"I unscrew the fire hose, carry it across the street,
and set the house on fire. Then I've reduced it to a
problem I've already solved."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 08 Nov 08 - 09:40 PM

A professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to try to make it a bit more relevent.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
"Oh, I dunno," she replied, "probably fishing & drinking beer with his mates."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Nov 08 - 07:44 PM

"New Ears"

A man lost both ears in an accident. No plastic
surgeon could offer him a solution.

He heard of a very good one in Sweden, and
went to him. The new surgeon examined him,
thought a while, and said, "Yes, I can put you
right."

After the operation, bandages off, stitches out,
he goes to his hotel. The morning after, in a
rage, he calls his surgeon, and yells,

"You swine, you gave me a woman's ears!"

"Well, an ear is an ear. It makes no difference
whether it is a man's or a woman's."

"You're wrong! I hear everything, but I don't
understand a thing!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:40 PM

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was
having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
woman told her about her fears and handed her a box of condoms.

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that!

'I'm dating Susan!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:42 PM

A Damn Good Sermon at Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand.. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put
five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'

The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 03:44 PM

The Virtues of Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the
doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about
his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the
table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are
for your father.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 06:57 PM

Did you know that eagles mate for life?

Well one day Bob the eagle waited at the nest for Mary, his darling of 10 glorious years. After a while when she didn't return he went looking and found her.   

She had been shot. Dead!

Bob was devastated, but after about six minutes of mourning he decided that he must get himself another mate but since there weren't any lady eagles available he'd have to cross the feather barrier.

So he flew off to find a new mate. He found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was good but all the dove would say is   

'I am a DOVE, I want to love! I am a DOVE, I want to love!'

Well this got on Bob's nerves so he kicked the dove out of the nest and flew off once more to find a mate. He soon found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Again the sex was good but all the loon would say is,

'I am a LOON, I want to spoon! I am a LOON, I want to spoon!'
So out with the loon.

Once more he flew off to find a mate. This time he found a gorgeous duck and he brought the duck back to the nest. This time the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.....



(scroll down)   







No, the duck didn't say THAT Blocked image

... Don't be SO disgusting. !


The duck said,            
'I am a DRAKE ,
You made a MISTAKE !!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: peterfirth
Date: 11 Nov 08 - 08:38 PM

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist, "I hope the porn
channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's just regular porn................... you sick bastard."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 02:47 AM

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You are on the other side.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 10:34 AM

What's the difference between a street trader and a dachshund ?

A street trader bawls out his wares on the pavement (US : sidewalk), and a dachshund doesn't.

What's the difference between a seagull and a diarrhetic pup ?

A seagull flits all over the shore, and the other one doesn't.

The difference between True Love and Dubya ?

True Love is a Cupid's stunt, and Dubya isn't.

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Nov 08 - 09:08 PM

A gritty pearl is just like a titty prune.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bainbo
Date: 14 Nov 08 - 06:23 PM

Q. How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?








A. We don't want to change the light bulb. We want to smash the light bulb.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 14 Nov 08 - 11:39 PM

Reminds me of the shrink one - One, but the light bulb has to *want* to change.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 15 Nov 08 - 11:43 AM

Change !!!!!
(EFDSS)

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 09:27 AM

Oneliners Redux

Flying is the second greatest thrill known to man.
Landing is first.

I try to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

There is no time like the present for postponing
what you ought to be doing.

Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?

I get six miles per gallon with my new car . . .
my son gets the other twenty.

If money won't make you happy, you won't
like poverty either.

Cease and desist! Don't make me use uppercase.

Many people's tombstones should read died
at 30, buried at 60.

The generation that criticizes the younger
generation is always the one that raised it.

I had a nostalgic English teacher who found
the past perfect and the present tense.

Happiness has one great advantage over Money.
People don't try to borrow it.

At my age, getting a second doctor's opinion
is kinda like switching slot machines.

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons.

The missing link between man and monkey can be
found in today's politicians.

What will happen to work when the trend toward
longer education meets the trend toward earlier
retirement?

I just saw the animals in my neighborhood lining
up two by two. Should I be worried?

There's probably nothing wrong with the younger
generation that the older generation didn't outgrow.

My doctor says I've got something going for me.
However, he can't stop any of it from going.

What the caterpillar calls the end, the butterfly calls
the beginning.

Health is wealth. . . . and it's tax-free!

Few things upset my wife. It makes me feel rather
special to be one of them.

She thinks that tactics are a new kind of breath mint.

I just got my bill for my stay in the hospital. Now I
know why surgeons wear masks!

If it wasn't for plumbers, you'd have no place to go.

Most would rather be ruined by praise than saved by
criticism.

Katrina victims are learning the Law of Diminishing
Compassion.

Force without justice is tyrannical.

Kamasutra Kamikaze: Willing to try every position in
one night or die trying.

When they say "instant credit," they actually mean
"instant debt".

I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters.

Boredom is a sign of unused potential.

Kraft Foods laid off six thousand workers and
profits are up. Now they have six thousand more
people living on macaroni and cheese.

Man does not live by words alone, despite the
fact that sometimes he has to eat them.

When someone asks you a question you don't
want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you
want to know?"

Dogs and cats, like humans, are either right or
left handed... or is that "pawed"?!

A father is a man who carries pictures in his billfold
where money used to be.

I either want less corruption, or a chance to participate.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 02:56 PM

If you want to find out who loves you most, your wife or your dog, lock them both in the car for an hour and see how you are greeted when you let them out.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Celtaddict
Date: 17 Nov 08 - 11:51 PM

I heard a clip from I believe Jay Leno's show, interviewing John McCain; he asked how McCain was doing since the election. McCain responded, "I sleep like a baby every night.



Sleep two hours, wake up and cry, sleep two hours, wake up and cry..."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Nov 08 - 09:07 AM

"Truck Stop"

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed
his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair
of headlights and a pair of running boards.'

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to
appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to
the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running
boards. What does he think this place is, an auto
parts store?'

'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three
pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp
bacon.

'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it
for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of
beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for,
Blondie?'

She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for
the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you
might as well gas up!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 08:37 AM

"Lawyers on the Bus"


A bus-load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted
road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree,
and catches fire.

The owner of the field, a farmer, runs up, surveys the
scene, and buries all the lawyers.

A week later, two policemen are traveling down that
same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to
the house and ask what happened.

"A bus-load of lawyers crashed into the tree and the
bus caught fire." replied the farmer.

"But what happened to all the lawyers?" asked the
policeman.

"I buried them," the farmer said.

"They were all dead?" cried the officer.

"Some of them said they weren't," replied the farmer,
"but you know that lawyers are very good at lying."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Nov 08 - 05:13 PM

"Pepperoni Pizza"

An American businessman goes to Japan on a
business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so
he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any
place around where he can get American food.

The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a
pizza place that just opened, and they deliver.
The concierge gives the businessman the phone
number, and he goes back to his room and
orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up
to the door with the pizza.

The businessman takes the pizza, and starts
sneezing uncontrollably.

He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did
you put on this pizza?"

The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We
put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 03:51 AM

Threat Levels

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists themselves have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Sing Marching Songs."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia has increased the level from "What the fuck?" to "Who the fuck?". The next level for Australia will be "Well, fuck me" and then it goes all the way up to "Righto, enough is e-fuckin'-nough".

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 09:54 AM

A POOR IDIOT.

A natural fool, who lived in Kirkcaldy, well known over a great part of Fifeshire, as "Daft Willie Law," was a pretty regular attendant on tent preachings, at a time when these discourses were in fashion. One very warm day in summer, Willie was attending the preachings at Abbots-Hall, he being nigh-sighted, and having a short neck, stood very near the tent, gaping in the minister's face, who, greatly irritated at a number of the hearers being fast asleep from the heat of the weather, beating on the board of the tent, bawled out, "For shame, Christians, to lie sleeping there, while the glad tidings of the gospel are sounding in your ears, and here is Willie Law, a poor idiot, hearing me with great attention." — "Eh go! Sir, that's true," says Willie, "For if I hadna been a puir idiot, I wad been sleepin' too!"

—from "The Scotch Haggis; Consisting of Anecdotes, Jests, Curious and Rare Articles of Literature, with a Collection of Epitaphs and Inscriptions, Original and Selected." Anonymous, Edinburgh: D. Webster and Son, 1822.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 20 Nov 08 - 10:48 AM

The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair . .. . Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.

He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Nov 08 - 02:53 PM

"Golf and a Heart Attack"

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green
when she collapsed from a heart attack. "Please dear,
I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help." A
little while later he returned, picked up his club and
began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said,
"I may be dying, and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole
who said he come and help."

"The second hole?? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told you not to worry." he said, practice
stroking his putt. "Everyone's already agreed to let
him play through."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Nov 08 - 05:30 PM

"Blondes and the Telephone Pole"

A phone company put an ad in the paper in order to
recruit workers. The next day, two groups of workers
show up - a crew of five men and a crew of five blonde
women.

The company can not decide who to give the job to, so
they give the two groups a test. The company boss says,
"Each crew will receive a telephone pole that must be
installed into the ground. Whoever is able to hammer it
in first will get the job."

Both groups agree that this is a fair test, so off they
go in the Company trucks with the long telephone poles
sticking out the back. A few hours pass, and finally,
at 5:00, the male crew returns. "Yes!" they shout. "We
came back first, so we get the job!!"

"Good work, men," says the boss, "However, we must wait
until the other crew comes back to make sure that the
reason they're delayed is not because of traffic or the
truck breaking down."

"Fine, no problem," say the men. An hour passes, two
hours pass, three hours. Finally, at 8:30, the Blonde
crew arrives. All the group is flushed and breathing
hard, as if they had just gone through harsh labor.

"What happened to you? What took so long?" asks the
boss incredulously.

"What do you mean, 'what took so long'?? Do we get the
job?"

"YOU get the job? No way! The men were back here HOURS
ago!"

"Well, of course they were," say the blondes. "They
only put the pole in halfway!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 08:34 AM

"Thanksgiving Pie"


The new bride had spent two hours preparing
pumpkin pie for their first Thanksgiving dinner
together.

During desert, she watched her husband
slowly savor each forkful.

"How was it, Honey?" she asked when
he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his
lips, "you probably could have beaten the
eggshells a little longer. But on the whole,
it was a good start."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Nov 08 - 04:44 PM

"Basic Guide For Scientists"

I.   Science Classification

1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's part of Biology.

2. If it stinks, it's Chemistry.

3. If it doesn't work, it belongs to Physics.


II. Rules for Laboratory Workers

1. When you don't know what you're doing, do it
neatly.

2. First draw your curves, then plot the data.

3. Experience is directly proportional to the equipment
ruined.

4. Experiments must be reproducible. They should all
fail the same way.

5. A record of data is essential. It indicates you have
been working.

6. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

7. Do not believe in miracles, rely on them.

8. Teamwork is essential in the lab. It allows you to
blame someone else.

9. Always leave room to add an explanation when it
doesn't work.

III. Finagle's Laws, Creed, and Motto

1. First Law- If anything can go wrong with an
experiment, it will.

2. Second Law- No matter what result is anticipated,
there is always someone willing to fake it.

3. Third Law- No matter what occurs, there is always
someone who believes it happened according to his
pet theory.

4. Fourth Law- No matter what the result, there is
always someone eager to misinterpret it.

5. Creed- Science is truth. Don't be misled by facts.

6. Motto- Smile; tomorrow it will be worse.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 04:58 AM

Skinny Dipping...

An elderly man in West Virginia had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 08:38 AM

"Rough By Southwest"

The following was an announcement made over
the P.A. system of a Southwest Airlines flight (or
so they say)...

From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome
aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate
your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt
and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.

"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure,
oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop
screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face.

"If you have a small child traveling with you, secure
your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two small children, decide now which
one you love more."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 28 Nov 08 - 06:40 PM

A knight vassal returned to his liege's castle with prisoners, bags of gold and other riches from all of his victories.

"Tell me of your battles," said the ruling liege.

"Well, sire, I have been robbing and stealing on your behalf for weeks, burning the villages of all your enemies in the north."

The liege was horrified. "But I have no enemies in the north," he said.

"Well," said the knight, "you do now.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ron Davies
Date: 30 Nov 08 - 08:25 PM

Excellent contributions by John O' L and Bainbo. Jan loved John's post about threat levels as much as I did. And intends to pass it on to people on both sides of the Pond. Is that your original, John?--we'd like to credit the source.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Dec 08 - 09:19 PM

I heard this one at Bible study this morning.

A kid was having a terrible time with math, and his parents didn't know what to do with him. No matter how much they coached him, he flunked every test. Finally, they decided to send the boy to a Catholic school that had an excellent reputation for success in math.

Sure enough, within a week, the boy had perfect grades in math, and he continued to do well for months. Finally, his parents asked him what had made the difference.

"Well," the boy said, "They took us into a big building, and when I saw what they did to that guy hanging on the big plus sign on the wall, I knew they were serious."

OK, so there's your Catholic joke for the week.
-Joe-

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 01 Dec 08 - 11:06 PM

Ron,
I don't know where the joke originated, I got it from a joke thread on another forum.

This one too:

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 10:40 AM

An elderly couple in a small town had been dating for a long time. At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation on how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked. "Well,"she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say - I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and asked

"Is that one word or two?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 06:10 PM

"Reasons For Divorce"

A man in Tarritville, Connecticut, filed for divorce
because his wife left him a note on the refrigerator
that read: "I have gone to the bridge club. There'll
be a recipe for your dinner at 7 o'clock on Channel 2."

A man in Hazard, Kentucky, divorced his wife because
she "beat him whenever he removed onions from his
hamburger without asking for permission."

A deaf man in Bennettsville, South Carolina, filed for
divorce because his wife "was always nagging him
in sign language."

A woman in Canon City, Colorado, divorced her
husband because he forced her to "duck under the
dashboard whenever they drove past his girlfriend's
house."

A woman in Hardwick, Georgia, divorced her husband
on the grounds that he "stayed home too much and
was much too affectionate."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bert
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 08:35 PM

...duck under the dashboard... She only divorced him. It's a wonder she didn't beat the holy crap out of him.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Ed T
Date: 02 Dec 08 - 09:32 PM

Guy in his 50s visits a Dr. for a mid-life check up.
Dr. says, you must stop playing with yourself.
Why, asked the patient.
Because, I am examining you, said the Dr.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:11 AM

Three surgeons, a Russian, an American and a Briton were discussing transplants (as you do).

The Russian : "I transplanted a heart into a man, and six months later he was looking for work".

The American :"I transplanted a heart and a kidney into a man, and three months later he was looking for work".

The Briton : "In the UK we transplanted a pillock from Kircaldy to Downing Street - and now we're all looking for work".

I'll get me Barbour . . .

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:22 AM

Guy visits the doctor and tells him he has a difficult sexual problem so the doc tells him to relate the prob...." Well doc, I wake in the morning and make love to my wife before getting out of bed, getting breakfast and sometimes having a 'quickie' with the wife before leaving for work. Then I get a taxi to the station.. always with the same female taxi driver, and we stop for a sex session on the way. When I get to the station it is always quiet and the ticket lady invites me round for a what is always a good sexual encounter before my train comes. On the train there is this girl who always keeps a compartment for us and we drop the blinds and make love on the way to work. When I get to work, my secretary is ready and waiting to have sex over the desk and I then do my mornings work. I have sex with my secretary before going for lunch at a local cafe... where the proprietress invites me upstairs for sex. I go back to work and have sex with my secretary again before doing afternoon work and have sex with her again before going home. On the way home, same girl, own compartment, same ticket lady, same taxi driver and have sex with them all. When I get home I find my wife waiting in her best sexy lingerie and we go upstairs and have a long love making session before she presents my tea.... after tea we sometimes make love again and I relax and watch TV for a while with a can of beer. At bedtime we always have a love making session before going to sleep.... and doctor this happens every day"!!!!!!!!!!!
"Well said the doctor, I can understand perhaps that you are very tired and under some emotional strain"
"NO!!!! you don't understand" said the guy.... "The problem is that I get very sore when I play with myself"!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:45 AM

A military advisor rushed into George Bush's office & said "Sir, three Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq."

George Bush says "My God, that's terrible"..........he then turns to the aide stood next to him and asks "how many's a Brazillion?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:51 AM

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.
One woman said, "I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does."
The second woman giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, "Say, what do you call your husband?"
She frowned and said, "The postman."
"Why the postman?"
"Because he always delivers late, and half the time it's in the wrong box."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 06:55 AM

Mickey Mouse is in the divorce court -
the judge says "having big teeth is no reason for you to divorce Minnie"

Mickey says "I didn't say she had big teeth. I said she was fucking Goofy!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 07:24 AM

When I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window guess what I saw? A gorilla in my apple tree! Well, I called the zoo and asked them if it was their's; yep, they'd lost a gorilla. So I gave 'em my address and they said they'd send someone round in a little while.
Half an hour later this chap knocks on the door, tells me he's from the zoo. We go into the back garden and I show him my tree (with his gorilla in it!) Zoo-man then goes back to his van and comes back with some stuff: a net, a jack russell and a shotgun. He then tells me the plan...
"I will climb the tree, crawl out along the branch where the gorilla is, and then shake the branch. When the gorilla falls to the ground, the jack russell is specially trained to run across and bite the gorilla in the balls. This will temporarily paralyse the gorilla, giving us enough time to sling the net over him and get him into the van, OK?"
"Er, yes - that all sounds pretty straight forward" I replied
The man from the zoo then started to climb the tree
"I've just got one question" I shouted
"What's that?" said the man from the zoo
"What's the shotgun for?" I asked
"Well," he says "if I fall out of this tree, shoot that bloody dog!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 08 - 01:55 PM

"Better To Let The Guilty Walk"

Frederick II, the eighteenth-century king of Prussia,
fancied himself an enlightened monarch, and in some
respects he was. On one occasion he is supposed to
have interested himself in conditions in the Berlin
prison and was escorted through it so that he might
speak to the prisoners. One after the other, the
prisoners fell to their knees before him, bewailing
their lot and, predictably, protesting their utter
innocence of all charges that had been brought
against them.

Only one prisoner remained silent, and finally
Frederick's curiosity was aroused.

"You," he called. "You there."

The prisoner looked up. "Yes, Your Majesty?"

"Why are you here?"

"Armed robbery, Your Majesty."

"And are you guilty?"

"Entirely guilty, Your Majesty. I richly deserve my
punishment."

At this Frederick rapped his cane sharply on the
ground and said, "Warden, release this guilty
wretch at once. I will not have him here in jail
where by example he will corrupt all the splendid
innocent people who occupy it."


Source: Isaac Asimov

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 09:15 AM

"Blonde Patient"

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and
screaming in pain. "Please doctor you've got to help
me. I've been stung by a bee."

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream
on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away
by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor,
"I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my
house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated,
"I mean on which part of your body did that bee
sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same
to me!"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Proogle
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 04:06 PM

In light of the current climate in the most part of Britain i thought this appropriate...




2 Snowmen in a field. One says to the other,
"Can you smell carrots?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Dec 08 - 08:58 PM

DaveO: Cf.:

Two cool cats are sitting on a pier dangling their feet in the water.
"Hey, man, an alligator just bit off my leg."
"No shit! Which one?"
"Beats me. You see one alligator, you seen 'em all."

*

Axiom 1. Before you do anything, you have to do something else.
Axiom 2. Everything takes at least 5 minutes.
Theorem 0. You can never get anything done.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 08 - 01:53 AM

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,


' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'


My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'


We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,


''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ..........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,
In capital letters,

'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'



My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 06 Dec 08 - 06:35 AM

Just in case you've had a rough day or you ARE having a rough day.

Here is a quick 7-Step stress management technique recommended in the
latest psychological texts.

The funny thing is - this really works.

Try this:

1. Picture yourself near a stream.

2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.

3. No one but you knows your secret place.

4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."

5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

6. The water is crystal clear.

7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.

See - You are smiling already.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Dec 08 - 05:46 PM

"Wise Choice"

An angel suddenly appears at a faculty meeting and tells
the dean of the college that, in return for his unselfish and
exemplary behavior, he will be given his choice of infinite
wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean
selects infinite wisdom.

"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke
and a bolt of lightning.

Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded
by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues
whispers, "Say something wise."

The dean looks at them and says, "I should have taken
the money."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 09 Dec 08 - 12:23 PM

There are two Santa's standing on the corner. Which one is the Aggie {graduate of Texas A&M?}

The one holding the Easter basket saying "Trick or Treat"!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Dec 08 - 08:41 AM

"Christmas Cards"

I wondered if I could get my husband to address
Christmas cards, as I had so much to do. I arranged
everything we needed, then hopefully pulled up a
chair and said, "Come on, Dear, let's get these out
of the way."

He glanced at the array on the table, turned away
and went into the den, only to return moments later
with a high stack of cards, stamped, sealed, and
addressed.

"They're last year's," he said. "I forgot to mail them.
Now let's go out to dinner and relax. You've been
working too hard."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Dec 08 - 08:41 AM

"Ghostly Drive"

Two guys left the bar after a long night of drinking,
jumped in the car and started it up. After a couple
of minutes, an old man appeared in the passenger
window and tapped lightly. The passenger screamed,
"Look at the window. There's an old ghost's face
there!"

The driver sped up, but the old man's face stayed in
the window. The passenger rolled his window down
part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do
you want?"

The old man softly replied, "You got any tobacco?"

The passenger handed the old man a cigarette and
yelled, "Step on it," to the driver, rolling up the
window in terror.

A few minutes later they calmed down and started
laughing again. The driver said, "I don't know what
happened, but don't worry; the speedometer says
we're doing 80 now."

All of a sudden there was a light tapping on the
window and the old man reappeared.

"There he is again," the passenger yelled. He rolled
down the window and shakily said, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asked.

The passenger threw a lighter out the window
saying, "Step on it!"

They were flooring the gas at about 100 miles an
hour, trying to forget what they had just seen and
heard, when all of a sudden there came some more
tapping.

"Oh my God! He's back!" The passenger rolled
down the window and screamed in stark terror,
"WHAT NOW?"

The old man gently replied, "You want some help
getting out of the mud?"

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 12 Dec 08 - 11:06 AM

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning, the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would.

And that, Your Honour, is the case for the defence...

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 08 - 12:46 PM

The Beauty of a Woman

Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater.

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.

If you give her a house, she'll give you a home.

If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.

If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart.

A woman multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.

Why is this important for every man to know?

Because if you give her any crap, you need be ready to receive a ton of shit in return.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Dec 08 - 05:19 PM

"Seeing Faces"

A man charges into a bank wearing a bandanna
and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the
floor!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a
brave customer yanks off his bandanna . The robber
immediately shoots the customer in the head and
shouts..

"Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering
from behind a counter and goes over and shoots
him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again,
waving his gun around. There is silence for a few
seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant
corner..

"I think my mother-in-law caught a glimpse...."

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 Dec 08 - 07:48 AM

Not a joke exactly but funny nevertheless (received by email from colleague)

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).


We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked: 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing it would be a good one.
And in classic style he didn't bat an eyelid in his response: 'Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: John O'L
Date: 18 Dec 08 - 03:47 AM

A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast. He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable. The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you - unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.

'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first.'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.' He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.

'Gee thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... so what's the other possible good news?'

'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again!'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: freda underhill
Date: 18 Dec 08 - 10:22 AM

"I've got to give President Bush credit for this, because he's taking it all pretty well. He says that he's actually happy about the shoe-throwing episode, because he says it proves finally that Iraq does, in fact, possess foot wear of mass destruction." --David Letterman

"As you know, yesterday in Iraq, President Bush was attacked by a 'shoe-icide' bomber. President Bush was speaking at a news conference in Iraq when a journalist threw two shoes at him [on screen: the video of Bush having shoes thrown at him]. You see what President Bush did? You see what he did to keep from being hit? Something he's never done before. Lean to the left. He's never done that." --Jay Leno

"Well, here's my favorite part. Cable news just over-thinks this. On CNN, they brought in an expert on Iraqi culture. And he said, 'Let me clarify what happened here.' He said, 'In the Arab world, throwing your shoes at someone's head is considered an insult.' Oh, really? As opposed to here in America, where it's a huge compliment." --Jay Leno

"Bush is in Baghdad, he's having a press conference, and a guy, a reporter from Iraq jumps up and starts heaving shoes at the guy. And in Iraqi, or Arabic, he starts screaming, 'Here's your farewell kiss, you dog!' That's what the guy says. I mean, it was the same goodbye I got from NBC." --David Letterman

I don't think Bush really has dodged anything like that, well, since the Vietnam War." --David Letterman

"The man who threw his shoes at President Bush is being hailed as a hero in Iraq. In fact, when he dies, he'll be greeted in heaven by 72 podiatrists." --Conan O'Brien

"The shoe-throwing incident has made Sarah Palin want to be president even more. Free shoes! You betcha!" --Craig Ferguson

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Dec 08 - 10:24 AM

"Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns"

Dear Walter,


I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set
off for work leaving my husband in the house watching
the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down
the road when the engine conked out and the car
shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my
husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was
in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32,
my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22.
We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted
that they had been having an affair for the past six
months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. He was let
go from his job six months ago and he says he has been
feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him
very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he
has become increasingly distant. He won't go to
counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him
anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

----

Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can
be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel
line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses
on the intake manifold and also check all grounding
wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it
could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing
low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have
your air filters cleaned or replaced.


I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 21 Dec 08 - 10:46 AM

Apols if this has already been posted.

===

A blonde phones her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What's it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over, and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in, and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says very gently, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then...." he said with a deep sigh...


(scroll down)












".... we'll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

===

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 06:00 PM

One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast'. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!'
            
            His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.


The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What the Hell is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust' cloud appeared when he shook them out.

'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'

She replied with a snicker. 'It's not talcum powder; it's 'Miracle Grow'!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 07:10 PM

Last night, my friend and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

She got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a bitch.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Dec 08 - 10:02 PM

How the bail-out works

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news. The donkey died."

Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Chuck said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."


A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998. Less the $100 I gave you."

The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?"

Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 07:12 AM

The fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders
hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle..

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled by
her dog and her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

'That sure is a nice fire truck,' he said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the little girl said.

The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the
wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little Partner', the fire fighter says, 'I don't want to tell you how to
run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar
instead of its' testicles, I think it could run faster.'

The little girl replies thoughtfully,

'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 08 - 08:42 AM

"New Vocabulary Words"

1) Arachnoleptic fit (n.) The frantic dance performed
just after you've accidentally walked through a
spider web.

2) Beelzebug (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito
that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning
and cannot be cast out.

3) Bozone (n.) The substance surrounding stupid
people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.
The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

4) Cashtration (n.) The act of buying a house, which
renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

5) Dopelar effect (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to
seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.

6) Extraterrestaurant (n.) An eating place where you
feel you've been abducted and experimented upon.
Also known as an E-T-ry.

7) Foreploy (n.) Any misrepresentation or outright lie
about yourself that leads to sex.

8) Intaxication (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund,
which lasts until you realize it was your money to
start with.

9) Kinstirpation (n.) A painful inability to move relatives
who come to visit.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: severed-head
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 07:12 AM

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "morning." He replied, "No, just having a shit."


Mick Hucknall was arrested while trying to have sex with a rabbit. Apparently, he was "holding back the ears" but the "bunny was too tight to mention"


I've been trying to help childless couples by making anonymous donations of my sperm. However, I've
now been told I should really be doing this through a clinic and not straight through their letterboxes.

Viagra ... Now available in powder form to put in your tea. Does f*ck all for your erections, but it stops your
biscuits going soft!

One night I managed to make love for an hour and five minutes. It was when they put the clocks forward.

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!" I sent her my ironing, that'll keep the bitch busy.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 08 - 09:08 AM

"Post-Christmas: Santa's Pet Peeves"

Kids who refuse to believe that it's fruitcake
on your breath and not booze.

When the last guy to use the beard leaves
bits of his lunch in it.

Even with the costume, people recognizing
you from "Crime Watch."

Parents who get all uptight when you offer
their kids a swig from your hip flask.

Enduring the taunts of your old buddies from
Drama School.

Those dorks in the Power Rangers costumes
get all the babes.

Kids who don't understand that Santa's been
a little jittery since he got back from 'Nam.

Lap rash.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Dec 08 - 11:51 AM

What do the Dallas Cowboys and Billy Graham have in common?
Both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

How do you keep the Dallas Cowboys out of your yard?
You put up a goalpost.

What do you call a Dallas Cowboy with a Superbowl ring?
Retired.

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Dec 08 - 08:46 AM

THIS TELLS IT ALL..   I'M GETTING A GLASS BUBBLE TO LIVE IN !!! And I swear it is all the "truth" because my great-aunt who is an investigator for the F.B.I. checked it out, and it was sent to me by my brother-in-law who is a lawyer and he would NEVER lie.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.
I no longer use Plastic Wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't e-mail send this message to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.





.

__,_._,___

Subject: RE: BS: 6th Joke thread of 2008!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:26 PM

Continued in 1st joke thread of 2009