BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!

Subject: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

---

Well - where is it?

I expected that by 9.50am here in Lincolnshire UK, someone would have got this started! It must already be January 2nd somewhere in Mudcat Land.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:06 AM

Pleased to be of service!!!


----
"Natural Born"

The following is a funny and true story shared
by KC Williams who teaches government at
Santa Fe High School.

In one of KC's classes, they were discussing
the qualifications to be president of the United
States. It was pretty simple, the candidate must
be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of
age.

However, one girl in the class immediately started
in on how unfair was the requirement to be a
natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was
this requirement prevented many capable
individuals from becoming president.

KC and the class were just taking it in and letting
her rant, but everyone's jaw hit the floor when
she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What
makes a natural born citizen any more qualified
to lead this country than one born by C-section?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 10:50 AM

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?"

The little boy nodded again..

He continued, "And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a dumb ass' is it?"

Again, the little boy nodded.

"Good," said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:28 AM

Guy walks into Bedroom with a Sheep under his arm . Says "This is the Pig I sleep with when you have a Headache"
His wife says "Thats NOT a pig , its a Sheep !"
Guy says " I wasn't talking to you!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 12:03 PM

Thanks guys - the world is now a better place!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 04:12 PM

What happens when a fly falls into a coffee cup?

The Italian - throws the cup and walks away in a fit of rage.

The Frenchman - takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.

The Chinese - eats the fly and throws away the coffee.

The Russian - drinks the coffee with the fly, since it was extra with no charge.

The Israeli - sells the coffee to the Frenchman, the fly to the Chinese, buys himself a new cup of coffee and uses the extra money to invent a device that prevents flies from falling into coffee.

The Palestinian - blames the Israeli for the fly falling in his coffee, protests the act of aggression to the UN, takes a loan from the European Union to buy a new cup of coffee, uses the money to purchase explosives, and then blows up the coffee house where the Italian, the Frenchman, the Chinese, and the Russian are all trying to explain to the Israeli that he should give away his cup of coffee to the Palestinian.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 07:48 PM

I'm an admirer of yer jokes, Dave, and you outdo me at every turn, but I'm not enamoured of the Palestinian bit in the one above. Peace.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Riginslinger
Date: 01 Jan 09 - 11:36 PM

DaveO - Because they were in Santa Fe, I was certainly surprised by the ending.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:06 PM

Deficient contact with reality is called mania. Excessive contact with reality is called depression.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:53 PM

A young woman was about to finish her first year of college. Like so many others
her age, she considered herself to be a very liberal Democrat, and among other
liberal ideals, was very much in favor of higher taxes to support more
government programs, in other words redistribution of wealth.

She was deeply ashamed that her father was a rather staunch Republican, a
feeling she openly expressed.

Based on the lectures that she had participated in, and the occasional chat with
a professor, she felt that her father had for years harbored an evil, selfish
desire to keep what he thought should be his.

One day she was challenging her father on his opposition to higher taxes on the
rich and the need for more government programs. The self-professed objectivity
proclaimed by her professors had to be the truth and she indicated so to her
father. He responded by asking how she was doing in school.

Taken aback, she answered rather haughtily that she had a 4.0 GPA, and let him
know that it was tough to maintain, insisting that she was taking a very
difficult course load and was constantly studying, which left her no time to go
out and party like other people she knew.

She didn't even have time for a boyfriend, and didn't really have many college
friends because she spent all her time studying.

Her father listened and then asked, 'How is your friend Audrey doing?' She
replied, 'Audrey is barely getting by. All she takes are easy classes, she never
studies, and she barely has a 2.0 GPA.

She is so popular on campus; college for her is a blast. She's always invited to
all the parties and lots of times she doesn't even show up for classes because
she's too hung over.'

Her wise father asked his daughter, 'Why don't you go to the Dean's office and
ask him to deduct 1.0 off your GPA and give it to your friend who only has a
2.0. That way you will both have a 3.0 GPA and certainly that would be a fair
and equal distribution of GPA.'

The daughter, visibly shocked by her father's suggestion, angrily fired back,
'That's a crazy idea, and how would that be fair! I've worked really hard for my
grades! I've invested a lot of time, and a lot of hard work! Audrey has done
next to nothing toward her degree.

She played while I worked my tail off!'

The father slowly smiled, winked and said gently, 'Welcome to the Republican
party'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Susu's Hubby
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 09:57 PM

A new supermarket opened here. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the dairy cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bakery department features the tantalizing aroma of fresh baked bread.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 09 - 10:04 PM

Some years back, when the Oakland A's were still in Kansas City,
my dad took me to a baseball game. I don't remember who the visiting
team was but I do remember the pitcher - Melvin Randolph Phamey.
Well, anyway, it was the bottom of the ninth, the bases were loaded,
and Kansas City was behind by three runs with two outs.

Suddenly, a strange little man jumped up in the front row and began
to chant. Quickly, people near him joined in and, soon, the entire
stadium was thundering with his chant. I guess that the noise got to
the opposing pitcher and he walked in a run. The chant continued.
Another run was walked in. The opposing manager was at wits end for he had used up his entire bullpen and was forced to go with this pitcher.

Another run walked in. The chant continued. Finally, the winning run
came in on base on balls.

To this very day in Kansas City, the chant that was sung that day is
known as, "The cheer that made Mel Famey walk us."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 01:25 AM

*groan* LOL, Rapaire!

(UDO, I love ya, too, but I agree with Steve, esp. during these terrible times in that region.)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 11:42 AM

Is that an American in joke?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 03 Jan 09 - 02:20 PM

Yes. It's based on an old advertising slogan: "Schlitz--the beer that made Milwaukee famous."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:30 AM

An absent minded man went to see the psychiatrist.
"How long has this being going on?" asked the psychiatrist.
"How long has what being going on?" the man replied the man.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man with a bad inferiority complex went to see the doctor.
"Doctor, please help me. Nobody ever notices me."
The Doctor said, "Next patient, please.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A small boy swallowed a £5 note. His mother rang the doctor in a panic. "What'll i do doctor? "Oh," said the doctor, "give him these pills and give me a ring in two days time if there's no change."
-----------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:43 AM

...an old advertising slogan: "Schlitz--the beer that made Milwaukee famous."

Was there once a country song entitled "The beer that made Milwaukee famous has made a wreck out of me", or did I imagine it?

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 10:32 AM

If there wasn't such a song, there should have been!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: breezy
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:12 AM

Oh yes there is

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: breezy
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:21 AM

jerry lee lewis

made a fool out of me

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 11:55 AM

What made Milwaukee famous
Made a loser out of me

I could be wrong but I have this hazy recollection of Rod Stewart "singing" it.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 03:07 PM

WHAT'S MADE MILWAUKEE FAMOUS (HAS MADE A LOSER OUT OF ME)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 05:13 PM

Father caomes home from work and asks mother what their son is doing in the Chemists shop at that time.....
"Silly boy" she said " I sent him to get some 'Fresh Lettuce'! "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: frogprince
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 06:01 PM

I actually got that one, after a few seconds...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Joe_F
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 08:59 PM

Macree01: Cf.:

"Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film."
"You may as well wait and see if anything develops."

*

Investing is not the same as gambling, and downtown is not the same as uptown.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:25 PM

"Three Camels"

Noah was standing at the gangplank checking
off the pairs of animals when he saw three camels
trying to get on board.

"Wait a minute!" he said. "Two each is the limit.
One of you will have to stay behind."

"It won't be me," said the first camel. "I'm the camel
whose back is broken by the last straw."

"I'm the one people swallow while straining at a
gnat," said the second.

"And I am the one that shall pass through the eye
of a needle sooner than a rich man shall enter
heaven," said the third.

"Well, I guess you had better all come in," said Noah,
"the world is going to need all of you."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 04 Jan 09 - 09:31 PM

The other day I developed DeJaVu and Amnesia at the same time, I think I forgot all this before!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mr Red
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 08:20 AM

Uncle_DaveO

bitter coffee ? strong and dark for sure - but why no Englishman?
He would be drinking tea anyway.

So what do you call a nun on a washing machine?







As one aquaintance (she works in an SID/STD clinic) said - happy!
Funnier than the intended answer - a sistermatic.
but that one is funnier when you tell it to kids with their parents listening - parents laugh out of relief. Kids groan.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peter T.
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 10:01 AM

As a long-time Kansas City Athletics fan, I appreciate the joke, but don't remember the incident from my KC youth. (Doesn't mean it didn't happen).

But the A's were a wonderful joke all by themselves. The best thing was the donkey that Charlie Finlay put into the back bleachers to graze.   Oh yes, and there were also Charlie's coloured balls......



yours,

Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Alice
Date: 05 Jan 09 - 11:05 PM

Due to the high cost
of energy
the light
at the end of the tunnel
has been
turned off.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 01:31 AM

If you can see a light at the end of the tunnel .....



...... get off the track, there's a train coming.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 04:49 AM

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: HuwG
Date: 06 Jan 09 - 09:23 AM

If obscure sports references are in vogue, how about the high-spending but (currently) poorly-performing Manchester City Football Club, in North-West England.

One day, the manager, Mark Hughes, strikes up casual conversation with the groundsman. He says, "The pitch is growing well."

"So it ought to" replies the groundsman. "You put two and a half million quids' worth of shit on it every weekend."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 12:56 AM

Telling jokes is a wonderful skill and hilarious when masterfully done.

Sometimes I prefer playing jokes, such as my many pretend cell phone conversations in public. (Sort of a Newhart meets Carlin thing)

Today I heard that Sanjay Gupta is probably going to become the next Surgeon General. It is rumored that he plans to accept the appointment by the Obama transition team by weeks end.

This got me thinking, so the first thing I did was get the front desk number of the Hay Adams Hotel. Then I got contact emails for Judge Judy and Dr. Phil and sent them messages asking them to call the hotel number no later than January 13th and ask for Rahm Emanuel regarding any interest in an appointment by President elect Barack Obama. I added my real name and a concern that due to recent twitter security issues not to respond electronicly.

In Judge Judy's case I asked if she would be interested in a United States Federal Judge appointment and for Dr. Phil it was regarding his interest in being director of the National Institutes of Health with a special PS saying "say hello to Oprah for me".

Now what should I "offer" Bill O'Reilly ?


___________________________



When Mr & Mrs Obama met President Bush and his wife a couple months back Barack asked about using the only already secure facilities at Blair House for his family to make a smooth transition to the White House. George said he would look into it.
For whatever reason George told his staff to tell Obama that Blair House was booked.

Thing is, It wasn't. In fact just in case anyone asked they sought to get someone booked in the 135 rooms with 35 bathrooms Blair House so George's refusal to give the White House "guest house" to Barack would not seem so crude.
White House staff asked if George could call around and see if he could ask some one he knew to stay in Blair House.
Everyone he called was unavailable. That is until just this week he got a bite from former Prime Minister of Australia John Howard. In return for his trip to DC John will get a medal of Freedom ceremony on January 13th. John will be staying at Blair House for a day and a night.

Barack and his family are currently at the Hay Adams Hotel.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 06:56 AM

Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her
look years younger. After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the
"miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say
I look?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen; your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 08:08 AM

"Auto Hazards, and Excuses for Speeding Tickets"

1. A guy was driving down a country road, at night, in a
convertible and he heard a loud noise in the back of his
car. Apparently a deer was jumping out of the bush into
the road and landed in the back seat of his car. Needless
to say the man was very startled and was lucky not to
get into an accident.

2. When I was 16 I was pulled over for running a
yellow light. When the officer (male) asked why I
had done it, I replied without thinking. "My dog was
neutered today and I have to get home and check
him out." Needless to say, I didn't get a ticket that day."

3. I was driving Braille in a old VW bug coming home
from San Francisco late one night with a friend and
we had been drinking. A California Highway Patrol car
stopped us and asked why my car was swaying back
and forth and if I had been drinking. I told him that the
front-end of my car was in really bad shape and couldn't
help driving like that. I told him I had one drink and wasn't
drunk. He gave me a sobriety test and somehow I passed
and he believed my story. He turned to the other patrolman
and said..." I told you he probably had something wrong
with his front-end." Then he let me drive on home. There
wasn't anything wrong with my car!

4. "Oh, officer, I've been living in Germany for so many
years that I forgot how to read the signs in miles per
hour. I sure am glad to be home and have someone
remind me!" He let me go with a warning.

5. Oh, I know what happened, my brother told me
that he had some really good tires for my old car here,
but they were a little bit bigger than the old ones. That
must have thrown off the cruise-control, because I had
it set at 67 mph, like usual." I was scolded for trying to
go two miles over the speed limit, and let go.

6. This guy was driving down the freeway and was
stopped by the California Highway Patrol for talking
on his cell phone, shaving with his electric razor and
steering the car with his elbow all at the same time!

7. Please excuse me from this speeding ticket. My
wife ran off with a state policeman and when I saw
your flashing lights I didn't stop because I thought
you might be the trooper who is trying to bring her
back to me.

8. This excuse I have actually used and it worked. I had
gotten pulled over for speeding, and I told the cop I had
dropped a cigarette in my lap, and while lifting my butt up
to retrieve it, I must have inadvertently pushed down on
the gas pedal...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 09:40 AM

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident.

In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked
the solicitor.

Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving
down the road....'

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the
scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to
sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the
question.'

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the
solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded.

'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the
trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came
through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one
ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and
didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I
knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a
policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out
his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and
said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the F**k would you say?'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 11:17 AM

A couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though
they were far from rich, but managed to get by because they watched their
pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the
wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation
and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He
took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a
fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bathroom. A maid could be
seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why,
nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship
golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with
every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to
exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all
free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the
decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much
as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
                                          
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing Bran
Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:37 PM

For those intereseted - the previous thread was
6th Joke thread of 2008


There are seven Kinds Of Sex ....

The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.
This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called ... Oral Sex.
This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'

The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.
Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more. She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And - Last .. But not least ....

The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy your self.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jan 09 - 07:40 PM

If I could tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, I'd *be* God.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 05:18 AM

A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and left her,
hoping she would be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathed
her, fed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window
overlooking a lovely flower garden.

She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in
her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed up to catch her and
straighten her up. Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly
started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once
more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.

Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjusting to her
new home.

"So Mum, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"

"It's allright," she replied. "Except they won't let me fart."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 06:14 AM

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was
drafted into the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber shaved off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist extracted seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Jan 09 - 09:42 PM

Yanks think 200 years is a long time, and Brits think 200 miles is a long way.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:01 AM

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day, an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied, 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his missus.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 01:31 PM

The Theory of Intelligence

Coupla guys, leaning wearily on the bar over their next-to-last (6th) beers of the night.

'Well you see, Charlie, it's like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Charlie, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:09 PM

Jerry Garcia is sitting there tuning his guitar. John Lennon is
warming up on the piano. Janis Joplin is loosening up as Jimi Hendrix does a few practice riffs.

Jerry says "Man, there IS a rock & roll heaven!"

Elvis is next to him "What do you mean heaven?"
Just then Karen Carpenter takes a seat at the drums, and says "Okay people. 'Close To You' ..1..2..3"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 06:35 PM

Mary was leaving Church when Father Kelly stopped her.

"Ah, Mary, and how's Patrick?"
"Sure, and Patrick died last night, Father."
"Mary, that's awful! Did he have any last words?"
"He did indeed, Father. He last words were, 'Now Mary, put the gun down.'"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jan 09 - 09:35 PM

The church is near, but the road is icy.
The tavern is far, but I'll go carefully.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jan 09 - 02:10 PM

Okay, Joe, I understand the two statements.

But what's the joke? ;-)

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Jan 09 - 10:08 AM

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
channels.
   She asked, 'What's on TV?'
   I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

   I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

   When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
   The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
   When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

And then the fight started...

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

   I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
   "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."
   He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
   "Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- ---

   A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
   The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- ------

   My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- ------

   A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at three o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.
   The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!' So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked, and jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.
   A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'
   The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the noat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
   I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'
   My loving wife of ten years replied, 'Can you believe that my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started .....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
   "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
   So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

   My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered.
   I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
   She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."
   So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

------- ------- ------- -------

   My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunk n lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
   'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
   'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Jan 09 - 09:11 PM

Those of you who think you know it all are a source of amusement to those of us who do.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 08:48 AM

The fly-in-the-coffee joke was told, back in the 60's, about how long people had been in Africa.
New arrivals - send the drink back.
Been there a few weeks - take the fly out, drink the drink.
Been there a few months - drink the drink, fly and all.
Been there a few years, get a drink with no fly in it, Hey waiter, where's my fly?!?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 09:42 AM

GUEST,Mrr, you left out one of the stages:
"Fish out the fly, wring the beer out of it, throw it away, and drink the beer."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Jan 09 - 11:23 PM

If wishes were horses, there would be an easy explanation for all this horseshit.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Naemanson
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 05:01 AM

And then the fight started...

ROTFLMAO!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 06:26 AM

Having won the lottery I told my wife she could have anything she wanted for Christmas..... She said she wanted something with a whole lot of diamonds in it... so I bought her a pack of playing cards... and then the fight started LOL

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 09:48 AM

"Fashion Guidelines"

Many of us [those over 40, WAY over 40, or
hovering near 40] are quite confused about how
we should present ourselves.

We are unsure about the kind of image we are
projecting and whether or not we are correct as
we try to conform to current fashions. Despite
what you may have seen, the following combinations
DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirt and support hose

5. Ankle bracelet and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly ring and a gall bladder scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirt and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirt and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. Inline skates and a walker

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your
mind when you shop!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 Jan 09 - 08:47 PM

It is easier for a camel to pass thru the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 01:41 AM

"C" senoir

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: open mike
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 05:03 AM

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, & finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic & searched, & down into the basement. Then I went through every closet & checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, & finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack & died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.

***********************************************************

Kids Are Quick
____________________________________

TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:       Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS:       Maria.
______________________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
____________________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:       K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN:       Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________ _____________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:    Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:       Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:    Because George still had the axe in his hand..
_______________________________________________
   
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________________________________________
   
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE :       No, sir. It's the same dog.
_______________________________________________-_____
TEACHER:    Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher
___________________________________________

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 11:48 AM

Oh, DaveO, we didn't have any scottish people in post-colonial West Africa ;) !

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jan 09 - 08:00 PM

Be sweet, and you'll be eaten.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sooz
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 04:23 AM

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came over and took their drink order.

'I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

'I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner

'I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy.

'I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

'I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

'I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy.

'I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy.

'Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'


You're gonna LOVE me for this....


The third piggy says -


'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 08:44 AM

"Wishing Genie"

A man was sitting alone in his office one night
when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.

"And what will your third wish be?"

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh?
How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't
had a first or second wish yet?"

"You have had two wishes already," the genie
said, "but your second wish was for me to put
everything back the way it was before you made
your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing,
because everything is the way it was before
you made any wishes. You now have one wish
left."

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but
what the heck. I wish I were irresistible to women."

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and
disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Jan 09 - 11:19 AM

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

= You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!
= There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
= The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and Are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, Are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 08:17 AM

Blonde phones home:
"Honey can you pick me up from the Emergency Ward."
"What have you done now?"
"Nothing, just obeying instructions. I got this new stick deodorant and it said: Remove cap and push up bottom. Oh, and can you put a rubber ring in the car"

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 10:17 AM

Nothing succeeds like a toothless budgerigar.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Jan 09 - 09:24 PM

First you go to hell, then your body rots, and then you die.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Jan 09 - 03:59 PM

"Protection"

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying
a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a
friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get
drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of
snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for
protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are
imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend
the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Jan 09 - 09:21 PM

Cf.:

"I wish I had a million dollars."
"Would you give me some?"
"Hell, no! You can do your own wishing."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 01:00 AM

Bryn, is someone breeding Budgies with TEETH?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 08:39 AM

A Murder Mystery (true story) ...

For those who have served on jury...this one is something to think about...Just when you think you have heard everything!! Do you like to read a good murder mystery? Not even Law and Order would attempt to capture this mess. This is an unbelievable twist of fate!!!

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given for The American Association of Forensic Science, (AAFS)President Dr. Don Harper Mills astounded his audience with the legal complications of a bizarre death. Here is the story:

On March 23, 1994 the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus, and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head. Mr. Opus had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide. He left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter nor the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

The room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast emanated, was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing vigorously and he was threatening her with a shotgun! The man was so upset that when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife, and the pellets went through the window, striking Mr. Opus. When one intends to kill subject 'A' but kills subject 'B' in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject 'B.'

When confronted with the murder charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant, and both said that they thought the shotgun was not loaded. The old man said it was a long- standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her. Therefore, the killing of Mr. Opus appeared to be an accident; that is, assuming the gun had been accidentally loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the fatal accident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.

Since the loader of the gun was aware of this, he was guilty of the murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger. The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now for the exquisite twist... Further investigation revealed that the son was, in fact, Ronald Opus. He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23rd, only to be killed by a shotgun blast passing through the ninth story window. The son, Ronald Opus, had actually murdered himself. So the medical examiner closed the case as a suicide. A true story from Associated Press

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 03:26 PM

(No joke.) When something seems too bizarre to be true, it's worth checking Snopes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Jan 09 - 09:37 PM

Speaking of budgies:

A little boy went into a hardware store and asked for some detergent. "What do you want it for?", asked the proprietor. "To wash my budgerigar", said the boy. "That won't do it any good", said the proprietor. Nevertheless, the boy bought a box of detergent. A week later, the boy came in again. "How is the budgerigar?", asked the proprietor. "Dead", said the boy. "What did I tell you?", said the proprietor. "It wasn't the detergent that did it", said the boy. "It was the wringer."

A Welsh joke, I believe.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 09:55 AM

"Qualified Twins"

The chief of staff of the US Army decided that he
would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis
affecting all of our armed services. He directed a
nearby base to be opened and that all eligible young
men and women be invited. As he and his staff were
standing near a brand new M-1 Battle Tank, a pair of
twins, well built, neatly kept brothers who looked like
they had just stepped off an Army Corps recruiting
poster walked up to them.

The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his
hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first
young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring
to the best Army in the world?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says,
"Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything,
do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks
at the second young man and asked, "What skills to
you bring to this man's Army?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood
choppers in the Army, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening
to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 21st
century and our battles are fought with our minds as
much as with our bodies!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Well, I have
to 'chop it' before he can 'pile it'!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 09:41 AM

Prince Charles was driving on his mother's estate when he accidentally ran over her favorite dog, killing it instantly. He jumped out of his car and sat down on the grass, distraught.

Suddenly he noticed a lamp half buried in the ground. He dug it up and polished it off.
A genie appeared and said, 'You have freed me from thousands of years of captivity. As a reward I will grant you one wish.'

'Well,' Prince Charles said, 'I have all the things I need, but I just killed this dog. Is there any way you can bring it back to life?'

The genie looked at the dog and said, 'The dog is too mutilated to bring back to life. Is there something else you would like?'

The prince thought for a moment, reached into his pocket and pulled out two photos. 'I was married to this beautiful woman named Diana,' Prince Charles said, showing the genie the first photo. 'The whole country loved her. But we divorced and then she died. A few months ago I married this woman, Camilla.' He showed the genie the second photo, then said, 'Camilla isn't the beauty Diana was, and everyone hates her. Do you think you can make Camilla as beautiful as Diana?'

The genie studied the two photographs and after a few moments said, 'Let's have a look at that dog again.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 10:07 AM

"Safe Banking"

A young college co-ed came running in tears to
her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible
financial advice!"

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank,
and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the
largest banks in the state," he said. "there must
be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned
one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient
Funds'."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 10:18 PM

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?

The rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. The puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. The deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Nickhere
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:06 PM

A friend told me her dad said this to a guy in a cafe. She and her dad (who's quite outspoken) were having coffee together and at a nearby table was a young punk, full rainbow-coloured mohican, safety pins etc., Her dad was staring at him for ages and my friend was getting worried "oh no, he's going to say something smart, I can just feel it"

Eventually the punk realised he was being stared at and angrily demanded "what are you staring at?"

Her dad said "well i was staring at your hair"

The punk answered "I suppose you were always boring and never did anything in your life?"

Her dad replied "Oh yes, I did. I got drunk once and think i had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Nickhere
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:25 PM

This one is rather old, but I still love it -

A frog goes into a bank and hops up to the counter. He coughs once or twice until the cashier, a young woman called Patricia Whack leans over the counter top and sees him. What can I do for you? she asks. The frog replies, I'd like to get a loan.

A loan? For a Frog? That's highly unusual. Do you even have any ID?

Don't need it, replies the frog, everyone knows who I am.

Who are you? she asks

Frog rolls his eyes and wearily replies "I'm Kermit - Kermit Jagger"

What? She asks, you mean you're Mick Jagger's son?

Yeah, that's him. That's my dad alright, replies the Frog. Anyway, how about that loan?

Well, says Patricia, how much did you want to borrow?

About 20,000 ought to do it, says the frog.

20,000???!! That's a lot of money, may I the purpose of the loan?

Oh, I thought I'd live it up a bit, maybe buy a small yacht, do a bit of cruising, says the frog.

I dun't know says Patricia, trying to think of some way of turning the frog down. Do you have any collateral?

Yeah, sure. says the frog, pulling a small, porcelain elephant, perfectly formed, from his pocket (don't tell me you didn't know frogs have pockets?).

Patty takes the elephant, looks at it carefully and says. well Kermit, I'll have to ask the manager about this. Mind if I show him the elephant?

Not at all, says Kermit.

Patty goes in to the manager:

There's a frog outside who says he's Kermit Jagger and wants a loan to buy a boat and gave me this as collateral, what is it anyway?

The manger looks at her and says -





"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 24 Jan 09 - 11:29 PM

A conversation

_Man_: God?
_God_: Yes!?
_Man_: Can I ask you something?
_God_: Yes.
_Man_: What is for you a million of years?
_God_: A second.
_Man_: And a million of dollars?
_God_: A penny.
_Man: God, Can you give me a penny?
_God_: Wait a second!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: MudGuard
Date: 25 Jan 09 - 02:52 PM

I hope I got the translation right, I just read this in German ...

Dialog between a couple:

Before marriage:

He: Finally! I waited so long!
She: You want me to leave!
He: No! Why do you think that? It is awful for me to think of that!
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! At every time of day or night!
She: Have you ever been unfaithful to me?
He: No! Never! Why do you ask?
She: Do you want to kiss me?
He: Yes, every time I get the opportunity!
She: Would you ever beat me?
He: Are you crazy? You know me better!
She: Can I trust you completely?
He: Yes.
She: My darling!


Some years after marriage:
read from bottom to top!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 09:38 AM

"Learning to Swim"

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard
how he might go about teaching a young lady to
swim. "It takes considerable time and technique."
replied the guard. "First you must take her into the
water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her
tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member.
"I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case,
just push her into the deep end of the pool.
She'll learn in a hurry."

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 06:40 PM

Moms in group therapy

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young Mothers and their small children. 'You each have an obsession,' he observed.
   
To the first mother, Mary, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'   
   
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: 'Your obsession is with money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'
   
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child's name, Brandy.'   

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, quietly got up, took her
little boy by the hand, and whispered, 'Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about. Let's go pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jan 09 - 08:36 PM

An American at a diplomatic reception in Paris approached the bar with some trepidation. A native standing next to him asked if he could be of assistance. "Well", said the American hesitantly, "I was hoping for a bourbon". The diplomat gave a little bow & asked "Would a Hapsburg do?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Jan 09 - 10:12 AM

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll
be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a
philosopher."
-- Socrates

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Jan 09 - 09:01 PM

A Bachelor's Prayer

O Lord, may I never be married. But if I must marry, may my wife be faithful to me. But if she must be unfaithful, may I not know about it. But if I must know, may I not mind.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Feb 09 - 02:54 PM

"Fishing Drunk"

A drunk decides to go ice fishing, so he gathers his
gear and goes walking around until he finds a big patch
of ice. He heads into the center of the ice and begins
to saw a hole.

All of sudden, a loud booming voice comes out of the
sky, "You will find no fish under that ice."

The drunk looks around, but sees no one. He shrugs and
starts sawing again. Once more, the voice speaks, "As
I said before, there are no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks all around, high and low, but can't see
a single soul. He picks up the saw and tries one more
time.

Before he can even start cutting, the huge voice
interrupts: "I have warned you three times now. There
are no fish!"

The drunk is now flustered and somewhat scared, so he
asks the voice, "How do you know there are no fish?
Are you God trying to warn me?"

"No," the voice replied, "I am the manager of this
hockey rink."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Feb 09 - 12:07 PM

"Pork Breakthrough"

Pig farmers have never done well in the United States.
Most Americans prefer beef to pork. Hamburger is an
American favorite but contains no ham.

The porcine raisers were hopeful to see a significant
increase in their business after the scares about
health over beef, but most of the benefits had gone
to the poultry and fish industries; sale of ham and
bacon remained virtually unchanged.

Because of this, The National Porcine Association hired
a major Madison Avenue advertising firm to boost sale
of pork products. They decided on an intensive
campaign to saturate magazines, television, and radio
with ads urging people to eat pork patties.

The campaign was given an extra boost when Congress
was convinced to designate the second of February as
the day when every family would be urged to eat pork
sausage.

That day would be celebrated nationally, of course, as
Ground Hog Day.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 08:37 AM

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's Department is being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says: "Your qualifications all look
good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take
before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this
pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?"

"Great attitude," says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 11:40 AM

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn.. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an air head blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple she said, by the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

(It's nice to see a blonde winning once in awhile.)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Feb 09 - 09:04 PM

DaveO: Here's an old version of the 8:37 one:

"I'm not an antisemite."
"Well, I am. All the troubles in this country come from the Jews -- and the bicycle riders."
"Why the bicycle riders?"

And as to the 11:40 one, cf.

Boy & girl are sitting on a fence watching a bull & a cow.
Boy (shyly): Gee, I wish I was a-doin' that.
Girl (shrugs): It's your cow.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 07:30 PM

Remember Dave Barry?:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies. I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet. After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough. At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like. I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER: Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 08:51 PM

Ah yes, a colonoscopy.

First they took my blood pressure. Then I went in for 'the procedure'.

When I came out the nurse took my blood presure again.

I said "why are you taking it again?"

She replied "We usually find it goes up a little"

Me "I'm not surpised!!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 05 Feb 09 - 09:00 PM

For the upcoming holiday --

A woman woke up and told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package, and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it -- to find a book title, "The Meaning of Dreams."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mickey191
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:28 AM

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed.They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, Can you tell me how to get to 1600 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mickey191
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:35 AM

WHO SAYS MEN DON'T REMEMBER ANNIVERSARIES?
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

"Do you remember when I met you and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car, making love?" "Yes, I remember" says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continues... "Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replies softly. He wipes another tear from his cheek and says.......

"I would have gotten out today."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: julian morbihan
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 04:22 AM

Carrying on the colonoscopy thread...

I now live in France and as part of a regular check-up was sent to the local hospital for the dreaded colonoscopy.

The anesthetist spoke only a little English and as the nurse approached with the needle, she said "It is alright she is just going to sleep with you".

So I drifted off to sleep with laughter ringing in my ears...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 11:05 AM

After the dance, the young man asked the young lady if he could see her home, so she showed him a photogragh of it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Patient: "Will my measles be better next week, doctor?"
Doctor: "I hope so, but i don't like making rash promises.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Andy: "Every day my dog and i go for a tramp in the woods."
Sandy: "And does the dog enjoy it?"
Andy: Oh yes-but the tramp is a bit fed up."
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Splott Man
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 11:27 AM

100!

It's no joke!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 02:47 PM

A woman who was born with no ears worked in the personnel department of a large company as an interviewer of prospective employees. Most of the time she wore her hair down to cover her lack of ears, but when interviewing applicants for jobs that involved dealing with the public she'd pull her hair back so that her lack of ears was apparent. She would use the applicants' reactions to her deformity as a measurement of their ability to be discrete and tactful.

One day she interviewed three men for a sales representative position. All three went through their interviews with flying colors and none had seemed to pay any attention to her lack of ears. So, she called each man back in and asked him one question: "Do you notice anything unusual about me?"

The first applicant replied, "No, nothing at all."
"Are you sure?" asked the interviewer.
"Absolutely!" replied the man, "Nothing at all."
"Thank you," said the interviewer, showing the man to the door.

The second applicant answered, "Well, since you mention it, I couldn't help but notice that you don't have any ears. I'd never have mentioned it, but since you brought it up...."

The third applicant looked at the interviewer and replied, "Yes, I do notice something unusual about you. You wear contact lenses, don't you?"
"Why, yes," replied the interviewer, a bit stunned by the man's answer, "I do wear contacts. But how did you know?"
"Simple," answered the applicant, "You sure as hell don't have any ears to hold glasses up!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 06 Feb 09 - 07:48 PM

Why men should NOT write advice columns...

Dear Terry,



I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my
husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile
down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a
halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely,


Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:



A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a
variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no
debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and
hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,


Terry

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Feb 09 - 12:28 PM

"Grammar"

Jimmy was having problems in English class, so his
teacher decided to stop by on her way home to
speak with his parents.

When she rang the bell, Jimmy answered.

"I'd like to talk to your mother or father," said the
teacher.

"Sorry, but they ain't here," he told her.

"Jimmy!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

"Beats me," Jimmy replied, "but dad sure was mad
that they had t'go bail her out again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM

The new supermarket near my apartment has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Feb 09 - 09:16 PM

A blond is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says, "Two Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident."

The blond starts crying to her husband, sobbing, "That's horrible!!! So many men dying that way!"

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving, and there is always that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blond, still sobbing, says, "How many is a brazilian?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Feb 09 - 10:34 AM

"Stockbroker Audit"

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS
that he was being audited.

He showed up at the appointed time and place
with all his financial records, then sat for what
seemed like hours as the accountant pored over
them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented,
"You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir
Arthur Conan Doyle."

"Why would you say that?" wondered the broker.

"Because you've made more brilliant deductions
on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes
made in his entire career."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Amos
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:29 PM

Much-forwarded, but still funny satire on scam emails:


A"heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't
be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you
are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your
windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of
their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you
for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On
the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front
seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your
wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th,
17th, 20th, & 24th 29th. Also December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th,
23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this
upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

---

A

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 07:37 PM

It's a UK joke really but nevertheless may be understood.

Q. What distinguishes well-known radio and TV broadcaster Sir Terry Wogan from:

Lord Stevenson (former chairman HBOS);
Andy Hornby (former chief exec HBOS);
Sir Fred Goodwin (former chief exec, Royal Bank of Scotland);
Sir Tom McKillop (former chairman, Royal Bank of Scotland);
John McFall M.P. (Chair of Treasury Select Committee);
Alistair Darling (Chancellor of the Exchequer.

A. Sir Terry has a banking qualification!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Feb 09 - 09:14 PM

DaveO: Cf.

A lady was walking down the street when she saw a little boy sitting on the curb, smoking a cigarette & taking an occasional swig of out of a little bottle. She stopped & said, "Young man, why aren't you in school?" He answered, "Hell, lady, I'm only four."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Feb 09 - 03:54 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their
cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and
so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the
wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser, and it's
half the price.'

On the PA system: 'Cleanup needed on aisle 25......man down!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tangledwood
Date: 20 Feb 09 - 05:04 AM

Old Dave had been at the bar since the pub opened, downing pint after pint.

As he watched, the band manhandle their speakers onto the small platform that served for a stage, he swore quietly to himself. Bloody musicians. Why did the landlord have to put this racket on every week? Couldn't a man drown his sorrows in peace of a Friday.

Though to be fair, he thought, it wasn't every Friday that his wife left him. Just this particular one. Bloody musicians. He was in an even fouler mood by the time the band started. Five more pints of bitter had earned their name, and he swore at the singer as he staggered past to the toilets.
Half an hour and eight songs later, the band paused. "Are there any requests?" said the singer. Half a dozen voices shouted out, including Dave's.

"Play Yesterday, ya' b*****ds," he shouted.

The band conferred, and after a few moments started to play "Yesterday."
Again, the band paused, and asked if there were any requests. This time, only Dave said anything.

"Play Yesterday, again" he called, a touch indistinctly. Slightly to his surprise, they did. A slightly shorter version, but "yesterday", nonetheless.

Again, came the call for requests. For a second time, Dave was the only one to speak. For a third time, he asked for "Yesterday."

"Now come on, mate," said the singer, "We've done that for you twice already.

"Sing bloody Yesterday" growled Dave.

"We just have; twice" said the singer, and turned away. At this point, Dave snapped. "Now yer b*****d you're bloody well going to sing it again," snarled Dave, as he picked up a bottle from the table, and made a lunge for the platform.

He never reached the singer, though. First, he stumbled over a stool, then slipped in a pool of beer near the stage, and fell, knocking his head against the corner of the stage, and cracking his skull.
All of which, of course, only goes to demonstrate the wisdom of the old proverb
: . . . You should never fight the band that heeds you.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:25 PM

Thank to anudder Mudder for sending me this:

MAKE SURE YOU READ TO THE END - UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!


This happened a while ago in Dublin , and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true.

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand repeatedly came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other...'Look Paddy...there's that f..king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:41 PM

Since Mudcat is a music site, here's an appropriate item:

THE BAD NOTE THEORY

This is a copy of Jim Coon's "Bad Note Theory". While it mentions the mandolin as an example, it applies to all instruments.

The more you practice, the more of the bad notes are used up.

This can be proven by correlation. Look at some of the people that have played a lot and how they sound: Dave Grissman, Neil Gladd, Sam Bush.

It comes from playing enough to get rid of the bad notes.

One caution comes to mind, I think it is one of the laws of thermodynamics: If you stop practicing, the bad
note supply tends to build back up, maybe not to the original level but they build back up.

The instrument also knows if a different person is playing it other than the one that has been using up the bad notes. In this case it calls upon its reserve of bad notes to match how much the present player has used up on another instrument.

Just remember, the more you practice, the more you deplete the supply of bad notes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 06:48 PM

So THAT'S my problem!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 09:07 PM

It reminds me of these instructions on how to carve a horse out of a block of wood:

You just cut away all the parts that don't look like a horse!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 10:15 PM

A man was passing by an old folks' home and was startled to see half a dozen old ladies lying naked on the front lawn. He went into the office and asked the manager if he was aware of what was going on. Yes, was the explanation, they're retired prostitutes, and they're having a yard sale.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tangledwood
Date: 22 Feb 09 - 11:00 PM

Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord ! Play a jazz chord !".
Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes. When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a Jazz chord". A bit annoyed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart. The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord". Really angry now that this guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smartypants. You get up here and do it!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing .....
>
>
>
" A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 23 Feb 09 - 08:17 AM

Pastor's Business Card

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.   

Therefore, he took out a business card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Feb 09 - 08:40 AM

"Speedy Service"

A lady answered her front door to find a plumber standing
there. "I'm here to fix the leaky pipe," he announced.

"I didn't call a plumber," said the lady.

"What?" huffed the plumber. "Aren't you Mrs. Snyder?"

The Snyders moved out of this house over a year ago,"
explained the lady.

"How do you like that," grunted the plumber. "They call
you up and tell you it's an emergency and then they move
away!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Feb 09 - 10:33 AM

"Double Occupancy"

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't
care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll
take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and
he sat up all night watching me."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,machree01
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 07:33 AM

Sammy was outside pouring Beer all over his lawn,
his next door Neighbour came out, and said to Sammy
"why or you pouring beer all over your lawn",
Sammy said, "by the end of the day it will be half-cut".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 11:20 AM

"Darwin Awards"

Without further ado, here are the 2008 Darwin Awards.

Eighth Place

In Detroit, a 41-year-old man was stuck and drowned
in two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.


Seventh Place

A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who "totally
zoned when he ran," accidentally jogged off a 100-foot
high cliff on his daily run.


Sixth Place

While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8-foot hole
for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a
beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him
beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their
hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not
reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead
at a hospital.


Fifth Place

Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the
ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was
caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his
mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of
his skull as he hit the floor.


Fourth Place

Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet
with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded
with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.


Third Place

After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked
at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather &
Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full
of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the
counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber
announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a
target pistol.

The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several
customers also drew their guns and fired. Paramedics
pronounced the robber dead at the scene. Crime scene
investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the
shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot
wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from seven different
weapons. No one else was hurt. (I think this is one of
those "Only in America" ones.)


HONORABLE MENTION

Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just
driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of
dynamite to toss out the window to see what would
happen. Apparently, they failed to notice the window
was closed.


RUNNER UP

Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends
when one of them said they knew a person who had
bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew more heated and at least 10 men
trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM.

Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who
had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that
a coil of lineman's cable lay near by. They secured one end
around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge.

His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore
his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall
into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen.
Bingham's foot was never located.


AND THE WINNER IS ...

Zookeeper, Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany), fed
his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and
more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the
plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.

Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to
give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved
beast unloaded.

The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation
knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his
head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate
200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one
of those freak accidents that proves "Crap happens."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 05:53 PM

Hey, those aren't jokes, albeit funny.

Anybody read "socialism according to cows?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 06:15 PM

Husband to wife: "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

Wife to husband: "Your dick is much bigger than your friend Bill's."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Feb 09 - 08:55 PM

Be sure to remove the screen before jumping out the window.
You wouldn't want to strain yourself.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Feb 09 - 04:12 PM

A star walked into a black hole.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Feb 09 - 09:15 PM

just after I hitched my wagon to it.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 09 - 09:55 AM

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
                  ********POOF******
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.
                   *******POOF*******
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
                   ******POOF******
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 09:45 AM

"Customer Service"

The manager of a department store was training
several new Employees. He went over various
store policies including hours of work, breaks, floor
duties, stocking merchandise and employee discounts.

"But the most important thing," he said, "is customer
service. The customers are very important. Treat them
with respect. Patiently answer whatever questions
they have. And above all, Remember, 'The Customer
is Always Right.'"

With that, the new employees went to their allotted
departments. The manager walked around the store
several times that day and observed how his new
people were doing. All were doing well except one
man who just was not selling anything.

At the end of the day, the manager took him aside and
said, "I have been observing you. You assisted many
customers but you have not sold any merchandise.
Why?"

The employee replied, "I have been following your
instructions very carefully. Whenever a customer comes
in, I explain to him the details of the product, the special
features and the various prices. He then says something
like, 'This is cheaply made, overpriced, useless junk.' Since
you said the customer is always right, I tell him, 'You are
right!' And he leaves!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 02:14 PM

A nine year old boy walked into his parents' room and saw his dad with Mom bent over the foot of the bed etc etc and dad waived him away. Feeling guilty the next day and wanting to explain what's what to the boy, he walked into the boy's room and saw Granma bent over etc etc and dad said What on Earth are you doing? and Boy said:



"Not so funny when it's YOU'RE Mother, eh?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,heric
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 02:14 PM

your

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Dead Horse
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 03:57 PM

my my

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 03 Mar 09 - 04:07 PM

The Fibbies are watching you

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Mar 09 - 01:40 PM

LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 08:22 AM

"Brave Pilots"

While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered
and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

"Good Lord!" he screamed, "one of the engines just blew
up!"

Other passengers left their seats and came running
over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second
blast as yet another engine exploded on the other
side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the
stewardesses couldn't maintain order. Just then,
standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot
strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that
there was nothing to worry about. His words and his
demeanor seemed made most of the passengers feel
better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked
to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed
several packages from under the seats and began
handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

"Say," spoke up an alert passenger, "aren't those
parachutes?"

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, "But I thought you said there
was nothing to worry about."

"There isn't," replied the pilot as a third engine
exploded. "We're going to get help."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Mar 09 - 05:30 PM

Water vs. Wine

For those who wish to have a glass of wine.. And those who
don't...this is something to think about.
      
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we would be consuming 1 kilo of poop.
      
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
   
Remember: Water = Poop and Wine = Health

Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit
      
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information:

I'm doing it as a public service.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Mar 09 - 09:12 AM

"Expensive Funeral"

Bob died. His will provided $35,000 for an elaborate
funeral. As the last guests departed the affair, his
wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I am
sure Bob would be pleased," she said.

"I am sure you are right," replied Judy, who lowered
her voice and leaned in close. "How much did this
really cost?"

"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty-five thousand."

"No!" Judy exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but
$35,000?"

Helen answered, "The funeral was $11,500. I donated
$500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were
another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone."

Judy computed quickly, "$22,500 for a memorial stone?
My Lord, how big is it?"

"Two and a half carats."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Susu's Hubby
Date: 11 Mar 09 - 10:12 AM

Dr. Vincent Beraid, an expert in designer genes, specialized in creating large animals for meat production.

Dr. Beraid's death occurred during the development of a hog weighing over two tons. Dr. Beraid used almost eighty gorilla clones trained to carry out the mundane daily tasks of caring for this brute, who looked remarkably like Jabba the Hut.

One of the complicating factors in caring for this beast was his terrible bad breath. After feeding, It was necessary for several of the apes to force over 100 Chlorets down his throat before anyone could go into the lab.

On the day of the doctor's death, one of the gorillas spilled the breath freshener tablets onto the floor.

The doctor became enraged and began beating the poor ape. His brothers rioted and pandemonium ensued. It was four days before the police could enter the area with hermetically sealed Caterpillar bulldozers.

Portions of Dr. Beraid's remains were DNA fingerprinted from wall and ceiling residue. The police report summarizing the event states, ...






















"Seventy-six strong clones fed the pig Beraid with a hundred and ten Chlorets close at hand."


Hubby

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Mar 09 - 12:09 PM

This probably came from this forum somewhere, but it isn't in this thread...

So, the dude escapes from his insane asylum through the attached laundromat, raping those doing laundry before running away. Next day the headline read...















Nut Screws Washers And Bolts!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Mar 09 - 08:40 AM

Party Chatter

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing
alone.

She approached him. "Hello" she said. "My name is Carmen
Gold."

"That's a beautiful name" he said, "Is it a family
name?"

"No", she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things
I like most in life, Cars, Men and Fine Jewelry.

"What's your Name?" she asked.

He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Mar 09 - 11:25 AM

An art thief was caught by police right outside the Museum.
The thief didn't have the Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Mar 09 - 09:20 PM

Pat the Irishman is sitting in a pub having a beer. A wee green fellow comes in the door, jumps up on the bar, does a couple of cartwheels to where Pat is sitting, stickS his face down in Pat's beer, goes "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B", jumps up and scoots for the door. Just before he can get out, Pat catches up with him and grabs him by the neck. "You little @#&*#", says Pat; "I'm going to pull down your little green pants, grab you by your little green weenie, swing you around my head, and hurl you against the wall". "No yer not", says the little guy; "'cause I'm a leprachaun, and we don't have weenies".
"No weenies?" says Pat; "Then how do you pee?"

"We put our head down and go "B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 10:48 AM

A Greek is culturally bragging to an Italian, "We invented democracy, we invented great architecture and realistic statuary. We virtually invented eros and sex."

The Italian says "They may have invented sex, but we introduced it to women."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 11:30 AM

(a possible Phythonesque extravaganza)

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the EVIL award ceremonies"
Laser light show and orchestral fanfare fills the auditorium...
Marie Antoinette, Louis, please step down to these lower platforms to make make room for Bernie Madoff and his lovely wife."
"Lets have a round of applause for all our award winning CEOs.
to the tune of Miss America... Here they are, all our CEO's. Here they come, all the scum...

Please make room for The winners and still CEOs
and stand next to the CEO of Enron"
Bear Sterns, Lehman Bros. Goldman Sachs, AIG (big applause and hoots) Merill Lynch, Bank of America, Citi Group, ...(goes on for 20 minutes)
"No Mr. Hitler you don't have to step down, but we would like you to share your platform with Dick. Dick this is Adoolf, Adolf this is Dick."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Sookite
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 05:39 PM

Gynecologist

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire life".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Mar 09 - 08:51 PM

QUOTE From: Donuel - PM

A Greek is culturally bragging to an Italian, "We invented democracy, we invented great architecture and realistic statuary. We virtually invented eros and sex."

The Italian says "They may have invented sex, but we introduced it to women." UNQUOTE

Oh Jaysus. Scrape me up somebody. Keep 'em coming, old chap! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 09:35 AM

"Father O'Mally and Elvis"

Father O'Mally has been preaching at his church in
Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a
vacation. He has never been married and he is curious
as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he
decides to go to the States before it is too late.

He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in
the Airport in Las Vegas. As he is exiting the plane,
someone in the airport runs up to him and exclaims,
"Elvis! Oh my God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead
Elvis! How have you been?"

Father looks at her and says, "Get outta me face.
Can't you see I'm not Elvis? I don't look a thing like
Elvis."

The father moves on to his cab waiting outside. He
hops in his cab and he's a little upset so he tells the
cabby, "Take me to my hotel and step on it."

The cabby turns and says, "Sure thing sir - Oh my
God! It's Elvis! I knew you weren't dead! I'm your
number one fan! It's so great to see you!"

"Shut up, you imbecile." says the father "I'm not
Elvis! Now turn around and drive!" So, the cabby
speeds up to the hotel.

Father O'Malley gets his things and walks up to the
hotel check-in counter. "Oh my God! Oh my God! It's
you!" screams the hotel clerk. "You're back Elvis! I
knew this day would happen. We saved everything just
the way you like it! Free cheeseburgers, peanut butter
and banana fried sandwiches, masseurs, complementary
hookers and a full liquor bar! I'm so glad you're back!"

Father O'Malley looks at the hotel clerk and says,
"Thank you... Thank you very much!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 01:32 PM

Why is it necessary to specify that Father O'Malley has never been married?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 02:07 PM

picky, picky...

        

Short tempered couple

If there was one problem in the parish it involved the constant rows between Sean and Bridie Flynn. Fearsome were their tempers and long were their memories.

So Friday evening saw them rowing over some small happening from months before. Bridie struck Sean with the phone - Sean countered with the back of his hand. Bridie came back with a broom handle across his shoulders.

Sean grabbed the implement and pulled Bridie down the stairs. With the impetus of her fall, Sean spun her out of the open front door and into the street. He threw himself astride her winded frame and began slapping her across the face, just as Father Murphy came round the comer on his Friday visits.

Looking up and seeing the priest, Sean thought quickly and glowering at his prostrate spouse he roared: 'Now will you go to Mass?'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 17 Mar 09 - 03:06 PM

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian (Tomato, what was his name again?) go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.

'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.

'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'

'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'

'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'

'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?'

'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'

'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 05:04 AM

Little Peter asks his father one day, "Daddy, how was I born?". His father replies, "Ah, Peter my son, I guess one day you'll need to find out, so let me tell you how. Well, you see, your mother and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date with her via email and we met at a cyber cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither of us was using a firewall and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got Male."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 03:09 PM

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.

The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.

Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.

Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb").

This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Mar 09 - 09:46 PM

A computer joke in real life: A man parked his 1-month-old son on his desktop. The baby picked up a dangling USB connector and put it in his mouth. The computer then displayed the message: "A new device has been detected. Please install the driver for this device."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 09 - 12:01 PM

"Fishing Blondes"

Three blondes are sitting by the side of a river holding
fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden
comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and
says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first blonde.

"Well, if you're going to fish, you need fishing licenses."
said the Game Warden.

"But officer," replied the second blonde, "we aren't
fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines
and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure
enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the
end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it,"
said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want."
And with that, the Game Warden left.

As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the
three blondes started laughing hysterically. "What
a dumb Fish Cop," the second blonde said to the
other two, "doesn't he know that there are steel-head
trout in this river?!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Mar 09 - 10:07 AM

"Priest's Retirement Dinner"

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner
after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician
and member of the congregation was chosen to make
the presentation and to give a little speech at the
dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to
say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first
confession I heard here. I thought I had been
assigned to a terrible place. The very first person
who entered my confessional told me he had stolen
a television set and, when questioned by the police,
was able to lie his way out of it.

He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife,
taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was
appalled.

But as the days went on I learned that my people
were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to
a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician
arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately
began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

"I'll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,"
said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being
the first person to go to him for confession."

The Moral of story: Never, never, never be late!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 24 Mar 09 - 02:06 PM

A minister, a priest, and a rabbi are invited speak at a dinner for a group of deaf people. The man who invited them, who is not deaf, promises to interpret for them.

On the appointed evening there is a snowstorm. Many people arrive a bit late, but the dinner goes ahead as scheduled. By the time the dinner is finished, the minister, priest, and rabbi are getting a bit nervous, because the interpreter isn't there.

The minister's cell phone rings. It's the interpreter. He explains that he can't make it, and the three speakers should go ahead without him. "How can we do that?" asks the minister. "We don't know any sign language!"

"Don't worry," says the interpreter. "Just go slowly and make up your own signs. These people are intelligent; they'll figure out what you mean. And they're not expecting anything profound. They just want a few laughs. As soon as you make them laugh, you can stop."

After conferring, the minister, priest and rabbi reluctantly agree to give it a try. The minister volunteers to go first. He stands up and makes a few gestures. The audience immediately laughs, and he sits down.

"What did you say?" the other two ask him.

"Nothing special," he answers. "I just began a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (He holds up his left hand and makes a circle between his thumb and first finger.) '...and gentlemen....'" (With his right hand, he holds up one finger.)

The rabbi offers to go next. He stands up, makes a few gestures, the audience laughs heartily, and he sits down.

"What did you say to them?" the others ask.

"Not much," answers the rabbi. "I just began a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (He makes the same sign the minister did.) '...and gentlemen,...' (Ditto.) '...it gives me great pleasure...'" (He inserts his right finger into the circle and moves it in and out rapidly.)

Finally the priest gets up, makes a few gestures, and the audience howls. He sits down and the minister and rabbi immediately ask him, "What did you say?"

The priest said, "All I did was begin a speech the way I always do. I said, 'Ladies...' (Ditto.) '...and gentlemen...' (Ditto.) '...unaccustomed as I am....'" (He aims his finger at the circle and misses!)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: dwditty
Date: 26 Mar 09 - 04:43 PM

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.   When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

'I may look like just an ordinary man,' he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $650 million.'

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Proof that women are better financial planners than men.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 11:00 AM

Cross-cultural exchanges (shamelessly ripped from the steaming screens of Ballad-L) --

Have you heard about German Chinese food?
An hour later you are hungry for power. . .
..

Not unlike the guy who was half Japanese, half Jewish. Every December 7th, he attacks Pearl Schwartz.
..

So there's this linguists' convention in Dublin, and one of the visiting professors asks an Irish linguist if there is any word in Gaelic that corresponds to "mañana."

The Irish linguist thinks for a moment, and replies, "well, there is, but it doesn't convey the same sense of urgency.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 27 Mar 09 - 11:10 AM

Desert Dancer -Thanks, the last one caused me to pepper the screen with biscuit crumbs!

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 09:32 AM

The newly weds were only married two weeks, when the husband said to the wife, 'Honey I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be right back'.

'Where'd you say you're going, Coochy Coo?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face,' he answered. 'I'm going to have a beer..'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?' She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India , etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, Lollipop... But at the bar... You know...they have frozen glasses... '

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long.. I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

'You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?' She opened the oven and took out five dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and all that...'

'You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR SORRY ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D'OEUVRES RIGHT HERE BECAUSE YOU'RE MARRIED NOW AND YOUR SORRY ASS IS SO NOT GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER! GOT IT, DUMBASS?'

And..they lived happily ever after.
   
Isn't that a sweet story?????

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 12:36 PM

A happy ending!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 01 Apr 09 - 01:14 PM

For whom?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 02 Apr 09 - 03:08 PM

Here's something interesting. A deaf people's joke.

I have a friend who is an interpreter for the deaf. We were discussing her job, and she said that deaf people have their own, special jokes. Here's one:

A young couple were about to share the first night of their honeymoon at a small motel. You know, the kind that opens onto a parking lot. Everything was going smoothly until the groom realized he had forgotten the champagne! He went out to get some, and on his return he realized that he couldn't remember which room his bride was in.

So he thought and thought, and finally he got an idea. He went to a car and blew the horn again and again. Soon lights were going on and curtains were being yanked open in every room but one. Thus he knew that's where she was.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Apr 09 - 02:03 PM

What kind of bees make milk?

Boobies!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 10 Apr 09 - 02:13 AM

This is probably from Mudcat somewhere.


The husband leans over and asks his wife,
    'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:13 AM

Here's to all the politically correct people out there who love
to read deep thoughts into everything!

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery
were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused.
The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men
sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black weenies, but the one in the middle had a pink weenie. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. 'In fact,' he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink weenie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society. After the curator left, a young man in a Kentucky T-shirt approached the couple and said, 'Would you like to know what the painting is really about?' 'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?' asked the couple. ' Because I'm the guy who painted it,' he replies 'In fact, there are no African-Americans depicted at all. They're just three Kentucky coal miners, and the guy in the
middle went home for lunch.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:17 AM

Taking a wee break from the golf course, Tiger Woods drives his new

Mercedes into an Irish gas station.

An attendant greets him in typical Irish manner, unaware who the golf pro is...

"Top o' the mornin to ya."

As Tiger gets out of the car, two tees fall out of his pocket.

"So what are those things, laddie?" asks the attendant.

"They're called tees," replies Tiger.

"And what would ya be usin 'em for, now?" inquires the Irishman.

"Well, they're for resting my balls on when I drive," replies Tiger.


"Aw, Jaysus, Mary an' Joseph!" exclaims the Irish attendant. "

Those fellas at Mercedes think of everything."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 02:19 AM

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving
an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.   The test
features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have
to make a decision.   Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet
spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each
line.



THE SITUATION:

You are in Florida , Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you
caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of biblical
proportions.   You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper, and
you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly
hopeless. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses
and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is
unleashing all of its destructive furor.



THE TEST:

Suddenly you see a woman in the water. She is fighting for her life,
trying not to be taken down with the debris.   You move closer.   Somehow
the woman looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is. It's Hillary
Clinton!   At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to
take her under forever. You have two options: You can save the life of
Hillary Clinton, or - - - you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning
photo, documenting the death of one of the world's most powerful and
brilliant women.



THE QUESTION:

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer....

















Would you select high contrast color film, or would

you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 05:35 AM

The coach tour for the blind has been a huge success. They were talked all the way through the route and understood exactly what they couldn't see.. and now they were on their way home. The driver was forced to take his compulsory break in line with the tachometer reading and pulled into the motorway services. He explained the break to the blind group on board and they said 'It's OK we will go play football"... The driver asked how they could play football when they could not see the ball... and they explained they had a ball with bells inside which they could hear.. and with their heightened sense of direction they would know at all times where the ball was.
The driver went for his coffee and cake and left them on the car park playing football. About ten minutes later a member of the public came in.. looking flushed and agitated and exclaimed "If you are the driver of the coach that has those blind people then you better come quick... the are kicking the s... out of a bunch of Morris Dancers"

Sorry if our friends in the US don't understand that one!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 10:01 AM

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.

Who would know if he touched them?

He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."

"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Justa Picker
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 07:14 PM

The Life of a Bagpiper

As a bagpiper, I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul.

As I played the workers began to weep. I played and I played like I'd never played before, from Going Home and The Lord is My Shepherd to Flowers of the Forest. I closed the lengthy session with Amazing Grace and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "Sweet Jeezuz, Mary'n Joseph, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Midchuck
Date: 11 Apr 09 - 07:44 PM

About ten minutes later a member of the public came in.. looking flushed and agitated and exclaimed "If you are the driver of the coach that has those blind people then you better come quick... the are kicking the s... out of a bunch of Morris Dancers"

Sorry if our friends in the US don't understand that one!!!!

Oh, those of us who go to folk festivals understand it very well. Sounds like fun. Would almost make up for being blind.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 16 Apr 09 - 02:21 PM

How do Englishmen have safe sex?

They spray paint "X"'s on the backs of the sheep that kick.

*********************

What's a Yankee?

It's the same as a quicky but a man can do it all by himself.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 09 - 04:11 PM

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
             1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

       First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

       They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

       Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

       We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

       As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes.
      
       Riding in the back of a pickup truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

       We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

       We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

       We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
       WHY?

       Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

       We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

       No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were Okay.

       We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to
solve the problem.

       We did not have Playstations, Nintendos, and X-Boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVDs, no surround-sound or CDs, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms
       WE HAD FRIENDS, and we went outside and found them!

       We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

       We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

       We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

       We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

       Little League had tryouts, and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

      Imagine that!!

      The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

      These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers, and inventors ever.

       The past fifty years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

       We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
       If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

       You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government
regulated so much of our lives "for our own good".

       While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
   
       Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: curmudgeon
Date: 19 Apr 09 - 11:51 AM

World's shortest music joke:

A musician walked past a bar...

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 03:40 PM

"Calming the Teacher"

When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running
joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living,
I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes
boxing matches and horse races."

Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped
out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her
down by explaining it was a joke.

"So what do you do?" she asked.

Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company,
said, "I sell drugs."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 04:48 PM

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The pharmacist fainted.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: severed-head
Date: 20 Apr 09 - 04:49 PM

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she's angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You're next....."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 06:25 AM

A young farm boy from Saskatchewan moved to Vancouver Island and went to a huge "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.

The Manager says, 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The kid says , 'Yeah. I was a salesman back in Saskatchewan.'

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
'You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did.'

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. 'How many customers bought something from you today?'

The kid says 'one'. The boss says, 'Just one? Our salespeople average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?'

The kid says, '$101,237.65.'

The boss says, '$101,237.65! What the heck did you sell?'

The kid says, 'First, I sold him a small fishhook.
Then I sold him a medium fishhook.
Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boadepartment and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Ford Expedition.'

The boss said, 'You mean to tell me that a guy came in here to buy a
fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?'

The Saskatchewan farm boy said, 'No, the guy came in here to buy
Tampons for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot -- you should go fishing!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Leadfingers
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 02:11 PM

Any one play Darts ??

One Hundred and EIGHTY !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 09 - 04:51 PM

Cuba is selling a tea made from sugar cane and mother in law's tongue (a mild astringent) which causes your voice to be higher in pitch.
Castro-tea.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:51 AM

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway.   So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car, and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They looked so lifelike, you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men, which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course traffic started backing up.   Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulls up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

'What's going on here?'

'My car has a flat tire,' I said calmly.

'Well, what the are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?'

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him,
'Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 10:23 AM

Uncle Dave - Go to your room !

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Apr 09 - 09:42 PM

I tried Camels for 30 days.
Then I went back to Women.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 05:57 AM

Smoking Women? I'll have a pack.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Apr 09 - 09:38 AM

A Heavenly Marriage"

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married
this couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is
sitting outside heaven's gate waiting on St. Peter to
do an intake. In conversation while waiting they wonder
if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter
finally shows up and they ask him.

St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time
anyone ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sits for a couple of months and in
conversation they begin to wonder if they really should
get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of
it all.

"What if it doesn't work out?," they wonder, "Are we
stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet
another month, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in
Heaven."

"Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the
ground.

"What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple.

"Jeez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months
to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how
long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer!?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:44 AM

God is Good

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this, especially all of those who bake for church events.

Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Baptist Church Ladies' Group in Tuscaloosa but forgot to do it until the last minute. She remembered the morning of the bake sale; and, after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix and quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for Scout camp.

When Alice took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat and the cake was horribly disfigured. She thought, 'Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake.'

This cake was important to Alice because she did so want to fit in at her new church and in her new community of friends. So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom - a roll of toilet paper. She plunked it in and covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.

Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter Amanda and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.

When Amanda arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.

Alice was horrified - she was beside herself. Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed! All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.

The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.

She really didn't want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at Alice because she was a single parent and not from the founding families of Tuscaloosa but, having already RSVP'd, she couldn't think of a believable excuse to stay home.

The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust old South and, to Alice 's horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert! Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!

She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor's wife said, 'What a beautiful cake!'

Alice still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, 'Thank you, I baked it myself.'

Alice smiled and thought to herself, 'God is good.'

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 02:17 PM

A Dialogue:

I'll be right back. I have to go to the store and pick up some birdseed.

Oh, really? How many birds do you have?

None, yet. But I hope to grow some.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: jeffp
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:03 PM

Would a stepfather be a faux pa?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 03:56 PM

Do you think these a bit odd?


Have pun!


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir
Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.


3. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it
turned out to be an optical Aleutian.


5. She was a moonshiner's daughter, but he loved her still.


7. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class
because it was a weapon of math disruption.


9. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be
stationery.


11. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.


13. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in
Linoleum Blownapart.


15. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


17. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


19. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police
are looking into it.


21. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.


23. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off
the Grass.'


25. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


27.. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a
small medium at large.


29. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.


31. A backward poet writes inverse.


33. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's
your count that votes.


35. When space men land, they normally say, "Take me to your
leader." When they land in Las Vegas, they say. "Lead me to your
taker."


37. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!


If someone called you odd, would you try to get even?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Apr 09 - 09:31 PM

Two businessmen were walking out of the office to lunch, when one of them asked the other, "Do you know how the Pope keeps all the cardinals on their toes? He's raised all the urinals in the Vatican 3 inches." After they'd left, one secretary asked another, "What's a urinal?" to which the other repliedf, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."

That is a second-order joke -- a joke about a joke. I saw it quoted, back in the ages of sexism, in an essay that also gave an example of a fifth-order joke. The author speculated that jokes of transfinite order might evoke the ineffable laughter of the gods.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 03:54 PM

So the two old jews are walking down the rainy street, kvetching about this and that, and one says to the other, and you know what the worst of it is? My son is thinking of becoming a Christian! Oy, vey, says the other, you won't believe it but so is mine! At that point the clouds part, the beam of light hits them both, and a booming voice from above says...

...Tell me about it!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 07:46 PM

Children Writing About The Ocean...

   1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
       (Kelly, age 6)

   2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.
       (Jerry, age 6)

   3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island.
       If you don't have ocean all round you, you are incontinent.
       (Wayne , age 7)

   4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
       Richardson. She's not my friend any more.
       (Kylie, age 6)

   5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
       (Billy, age 8)

   6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
       pots and comes back with crabs.
       (Millie, age 6)

   7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to      
       cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the
       sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said
       they would have been better off eating beans.(William, age 7)

   8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are
       beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do
       mermaids get pregnant? Like, really?
       (Helen, age 6)

   9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
       always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big
       sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
       (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels
       can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea
       where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
       (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it
       makes my willy small.
       (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers
       can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
       (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she
       was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because   
       water fired right up her big fat ass..
       (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't
       drown I don't know.
       (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the
       ocean. What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and
       married my mom.
       (James, age 7

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Apr 09 - 08:09 PM

An old Jew on his deathbed asked for a priest. The family was horrified. A *priest*? Yes, he said, I want to be converted. Better than one of them should die than one of us!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Apr 09 - 12:23 PM

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says "Ah ... I see you regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it".

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is that it isn't cheap. It is $1000 an inch. "

The man perks up at this. "So", the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you go for the nine-inch, your wife might be a bit put off. But if you had a nine-inch before and you go for the five-inch, she might be disappointed. So it's an important decision that you and your wife should probably talk over." The man agrees to talk to his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day and says "So, have you spoken to your wife?"

"I have" says the man.

"And she has helped you in making the decision?"

"Yes, she has", the man says.

"And what is it?" the doctor asked.

"We're getting new granite countertops."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 09:43 AM

"Vet Problems"

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her
doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions,
about symptoms, how long had they been occurring,
etc., when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet -
I don't need to ask my patients these kinds of
questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking."

She smugly added, "Why can't you?"

The doctor nodded, stood back, looked her up and
down, quickly wrote out a prescription, handed it
to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if that
doesn't work, we'll have to have you put to sleep."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Apr 09 - 11:42 AM

The crowd of parents picking up their lilttle ones at school suddenly backed away from one quiet guy in jeans and T shirt in an ever expanding circle. His shirt said...


"I went to Mexico City and all I got was this lousy T shirt."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Apr 09 - 03:12 PM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up For a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, But one day, Sam approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, "For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?"

Bill replied, "I've been in jail."

"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"

"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde
waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?"

"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at eighty-nine years old, I was so proud that when I got into court I pleaded 'guilty'."

Sam said, "What happened?"

"The damn judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Wesley S
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 12:32 PM

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 02:30 PM

"Blind Cabbie"

After knocking down a woman pedestrian who
was jay-walking, the cabby stopped and helped
the irate lady to her feet.

Refusing his assistance, she yelled,

"You stupid, reckless creature! You must be blind!"

"What do you mean, blind?" snapped the cabdriver,
"I hit you, didn't I?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Fergie
Date: 30 Apr 09 - 03:46 PM

I posted this in another thread today, so I thought I should post it here also

Fergus

There is a story about the Dublin man who was being followed home from the pub by a giraffe. He finds a cord and puts it around the giraffes neck and leads it along O'Connell St. A cop asks him where he got the giraffe and the drunk tell him that it was lost and followed him. The cop advises him to bring it to the zoo and the drunk replies "that a bloody great idea". A few days later, the cop sees the same drunk leading the same giraffe along the footpath. The cop says "hey, I thought I advised you to take that giraffe up to the zoo". The drunk says "you did officer and he bloody loved it, I'm taking him to a football match today".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Keith A of Hertford
Date: 01 May 09 - 07:25 AM

Why did the French chef commit suicide?
   













Because he'd lost his huile d'olive."

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 May 09 - 10:04 AM

"Blonde Pilot"

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane
when suddenly the pilot dies.

Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.

"Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.

Ground control receives her call for help and answers
back: "Don't worry, madam. I'll talk you down, just
do as I say. First, I need you to give me your height
and position."

"I'm 5 foot 2 and sitting in the front seat!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 02 May 09 - 12:53 AM

I've been waiting to see if this came up, but it seems to be left to me.

It used to be said, "America will elect a black president when pigs fly."
100 days into the present incumbency, swine flu!
Sounds better out loud.

Pooh and Piglet were trudging through the snow.
Piglet's thought bubble: I'm so lucky to have a friend like Pooh!
Pooh's thought bubble: This bastard sneezes, he's DEAD!

Local radio jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 03:01 PM

Sorry, Gurney, you were anticipated by something like four days on the "pigs fly" comment. I forget who did it, or in what thread, but it's there.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 May 09 - 04:35 PM

I panicked and phoned the swine flu hotline, but all I could get was crackling.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 May 09 - 08:10 PM

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

I'm just passing this thought along ....

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper's butt crack?

If not, you're wondering now.

Have a nice day .    :)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 May 09 - 10:06 AM

"The 5 O'clock News"

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work
for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news.
A man was shown threatening to jump from the
Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50
that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied,
"I'll take that bet!"
   
Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde
gave the redhead the $50 she owed.

The redhead said, "I can't take this, you're my friend."

The blonde said, "No. A bet's a bet. You won the
money."
   
Then the redhead said, "Listen, I have to admit, I
saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your
money."
   
The blonde replied,...
"Well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 11:14 AM

Pooh and Piglet wandered aimlessly through the woods. "It's great to have friends" exclaimed piglet............. If that pig sneezes... He's dead!!!! thought Pooh

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:07 PM

It's deja vu all over again!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 May 09 - 01:41 PM

oops... missed that one!! sorry!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Gurney
Date: 04 May 09 - 02:12 AM

Uncle dave, don't worry about greeblies from strippers bodies on your bills, the cocaine will sterilise them.

Deja Vu all over again? I never done nothing!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Donuel
Date: 04 May 09 - 12:14 PM

While playing with anagrams related to the next Republican ticket I combined a Jeb Bush and Mitt Romney ticket as Bush Romney and got
Horny Bums
Shrub my No
My bus horn
Born Mushy

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 09 - 05:44 PM

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. Joe pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
better!

"Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 May 09 - 09:53 PM

What's the fastest way to York?
Are you walking or driving?
Driving.
That's the fastest way.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 May 09 - 03:53 PM

The IRS Genie...

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it, and out pops a genie.

But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie, "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this," says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

POOF!
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, cowpoke, what's your second wish?"

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

POOF!
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

POOF!
He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:56 AM

Man in hospital in an oxygen mask, hoarsley whispers to the nurse....'Are my testicles black?. Being an obliging sort, she takes his acoutrements in her hands, has a good look, gives them a rub to make sure there's no dirt on them, then, with a final pat, say's , 'no, theyre fine'.
   The man pulls of his mask. 'Thanky you nurse, I really enjoyed that, but waht i said was

    'Are my test results back?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Tug the Cox
Date: 07 May 09 - 06:08 AM

Hey, I just won an all expenses paid holiday to Mexico City. I'm pig sick that I won't be able to go.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 09 - 05:58 PM

"GI Insurance"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where
he was to advise new recruits about their government
benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman
Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales,
which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the
back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the
new recruits, and then said:

"If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are
killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your
beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and
you go into battle and get killed, the government has
to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded," which bunch do you think they
are going to send into battle first?

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Folkiedave
Date: 08 May 09 - 12:48 PM

Seeing his friend packing his suitcase he says
"They won't let you take that in".

"What" his mate says. "The FLintstones video, they won't let you take Flintstones video's into the Gulf States".

"Don't be stupid", his friend says - "Of course they do!".

"You cannot take a Flintstones video into the Gulf States".

"Well certainly Bahrain don't let Flintstones videos in, and Kuwait don't either.

But I think Abu Dhabi do".

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Michael
Date: 08 May 09 - 02:43 PM

Dave, credit where its due, Vin Garbutt Eh?

Mike

Subject: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: GUEST,Guest
Date: 10 May 09 - 11:32 PM

The newspaper, "The Australian," over a period of weeks sought entries for The Great Australian yarn.
This was the winner:




Two cattle drovers were standing in an Outback bar. One asked, "What are ya up to, mate?"
"Ahh, I'm takin' a mob of 6000 from Goondiwindi to Gympie." "Oh yeah ... and what route are you takin'?"
"Ah, prob'ly the Missus ... after all, she stuck by me durin' the drought"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 May 09 - 04:09 PM

Dear Ms. Ezell:

Thank you for your letter of July 17. After careful
consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable
to accept your refusal to offer me employment with
your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate
in receiving an unusually large number of rejection
letters.

With such a varied and promising field of corporate
candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals
for employment.

Despite your company's outstanding qualifications and
previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that
your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm
immediately following graduation. I look forward to
seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

Sincerely,
Marc Taylor

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Bert
Date: 12 May 09 - 03:06 AM

Isn't it funny how rejection letters are always so polite.

You don't care about politeness.

What you really want to hear is "Get your sorry ass here on Monday at 8 O'Clock sharp or you'll be in deep shit!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Naemanson
Date: 12 May 09 - 04:35 AM

That kind of language begins AFTER the job starts!

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: CapriUni
Date: 14 May 09 - 02:22 PM

Well, this is the first actual joke I remember my mother teaching me (as opposed to knock-knock jokes and conundrums), when I was about three or four years old.

---

Man goes into the doctor's office, and the doctor asks what's wrong.

"Well, I feel fine," the man said, but when I woke up this morning, I noticed there was a screw in my belly button, and don't know how it got there, and I'm a bit concerned."

"Ah, yes. I see," the doctor said, and had the man undress and perch on the side of the examination table. Sure enough, there's a big fat shiny Phillips-head screw right where the man's belly button should be.

"Hm," the doctor said, after a moment's examination. "There doesn't seem to be any injury. Let's just see if we can get this thing out." And he digs around in his cabinets until he finds a Phillips-head screwdriver. And he starts unscrewing, and the screw gets looser and looser.

"Does that hurt at all?" the doctor asked.

"No," the man said. "It feels a bit odd, but it doesn't hurt."

So the doctor keeps going, and soon the skew is out completely.

"Thank you, doctor," the man says. That's quite a relief.

He stood up to get dressed.

...and his butt fell off.

---

I don't know which is more disturbing: the joke, or that my mother taught the joke to her four-year old daughter. ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 May 09 - 10:17 PM

"The plains Indians had bows so powerful that they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up to the feathers."
"Buffaloes don't have feathers."

*

"Close the window. It's cold outside."
"So, if I close the window, is it going to be warm outside?"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 09:07 AM

"Become A Rebel At The Barber Shop"

A man entered a barber shop and said, "I am tired
of looking like everyone else! I want a change!
Part my hair from ear to ear!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!" said the man.

The barber did as he was told and a satisfied
customer left the shop.

Three hours passed and the man reentered the
shop. "Put it back the way it was," he said.

"What's the matter?" asked the barber. "Are you
tired of being a nonconformist already?"

"No," he replied, "I'm tired of people whispering
in my nose!"

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: MudGuard
Date: 15 May 09 - 02:39 PM

For Joe F:

Royal Mail Officer: "This letter is too heavy, you need to put another stamp on it!"
Customer: "If you think the letter gets lighter then ... "

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 May 09 - 07:09 PM

A Heartwarming Senior Citizen Letter

Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster, Ohio forwarded the following letter.
            
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today.



   
Dear Kean Elementary:

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to a old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers.

She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Thank you for that opportunity..

Sincerely,
Agnes Baker

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 May 09 - 04:58 PM

Please see the 2nd Joke Thread of 2009. This one is too long already.

Emphasis added. --JoeClone 22-May-2009

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: Peace
Date: 21 May 09 - 09:35 PM

NEVER let an ad out before it's checked by a native speaker who's familiar with slang. A good friend sent me this because he knows I taught English for decades and am still a firefighter. It's a hoot.

Subject: RE: BS: 1st joke thread of 2009!
From: manitas_at_work
Date: 22 May 09 - 03:06 AM

I think the link is broken