An Irish Tale

Subject: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 12:19 AM

OK someone laid down a challenge……. so I've started it, (obviously to be read in your best Irish brogue)

Once upon a time in a beautiful faery land there lived a leprechaun by the name of Bodhran O Shea. He was a grumpy wee man, for, to be sure, no one ever pronounced his name properly.

One day Bodhran was heading to market to sell a cow, which was an odd thing to do seeing as he was a faery shoemaker. On the way who should he meet but………

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Cap't Bob
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 12:56 AM

... an evil looking banshee who was apparently up to no good. He'd spent the morning tormenting trolls and checking to see if all the Irish Washerwomen were cleaning their blood stained clothes at the rivers edge.

"Bodhran.....Aye you Bodrhan....what be a man like you up to with that there cow. Most likely it only gives sour milk I would say". The banshee rapped the cow three times on its head with his shillelagh. The cow turned and ran between two large stone pillars and vanished.....

"Mr. Bodhran....you run through that portal and you'll vanish just like your old worthless cow."

Bodhran did not hesitate but ran after the cow through the portal where he....

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 01:35 AM

found himself in a lushious green valley filled with the most beautiful creatures he had ever seen. One of these beautiful creatures came up to him and spoke in the most seductive tones he had ever heard. "Faith and begorrah, but aren't you the finest looking faery I ever did see, but tell me fair one, where did you get that amazing accent?"
She looked up at him with her big hazel eyes and purred, "I'm from North of here, a place by the name of Be/al Feirste."

As he stood there enthralled he suddenly remembered the cow. But before he could start his search he heard a low rumbling sound behind him.Slowly he looked around and saw.......

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 02:09 AM

Mighty Cuchullain, astride his war chariot pulled by his mighty stallion Black Sanglain."Hold there,Stranger," bellowed the Hound," for none shall enter this place but must pay homage to my own self. Do ye not know where ye are?" Bodhran was awe-struck at this sight. The bright sun blazed in the Heroes bold breastplate, his silver sword shone glittering." In truth, sir, I do not," stammered Bodhran," I have merely come in search of a cow that..."

"HA!" shouted a gleeful Cuchullain," A Cattle-Raid! Then ye shall ride wi' the Hound, for surely we will steal these cattle this very day, even should they belong to Forgall the Wily! Come and ride beside me, wee man. Today ye shall ride the Warrior's Way with the Son of Lugh!"

Bodhran doffed his hat and said...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 02:41 AM

what the.......

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Night Owl
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 04:03 AM

..blue blazes is.....

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 04:08 AM

that animal mounting my cow?

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 09:09 AM

it was that strange Irish creature the Pooka, strange combination horse and beast.

"Get off my cow you big lump!" yelled Bodhran.

As the creature turned it's huge eyes towards Bodrhan, he began to wish he hadn't said anything.

"Do you realise who I am?" it asked. "Do not trouble me little man for I am...........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 10:35 PM

Meanwhile the fair faery of the North sensing danger flew to where her friend the Giant Mi/chea/l Mo/r, more commonly known as Big Mick lay asleep.

"Get up you big eejit, the Pooka's going to kill Bodhran the leprechaun."

Mick was a huge man, and as he awoke and realised what was happening...........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Big Mick
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 10:44 PM

"Bejazus, Fair One," sez he, "but I was just enjoying a lovely bit of sleep, and I don't need to tell ye what Ole John O' Dreams was showing me. Could ye not wake up Finn for this one?" Grumbling he raised his giant body up and prepared to enter the fray. When he saw what the pooka was doing to the cow, he smiled and turned to the Fair Faery of the North, with a wry smile, and said.........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From:
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 10:56 PM

ye should never interup' a pokin' pooka!

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 11:06 PM

the faery looked at Big Mick with that lecherous glint in his eyes, and said, "would you look at the size of you ye big eejit, we'd need some very strange magic for that to work."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From:
Date: 01 Jul 99 - 11:12 PM

Meanwhile, across the lush green valley, the beguiling fair maiden, Briget O'Quinn, raised her lilting voice in a tender love song...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: gargoyle
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 12:55 AM

However, having been planted wtih a Big Shot of Seed, the entire process of gesticulation fully materialized, and the days were accomplished that she should be delivered and she brought forth....

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 02:42 AM

her first born son, a truly angelic looking boy ....she laid him in the cradle and turning around to the fire to warm herself she heard a rushing noise behind her. Quickly she rushed back to her child and to her horror found that he had been replaced with a changeling, an ugly wrinkled old man's face looked back at her. Terrified, she gasped. He opened his mouth and said...........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Rita64
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 03:02 AM

"Inky pinky ponky
Daddy bought a donkey
Donkey died, daddy cried
Inky pinky ponky!"

And with that fair Bridget ran screaming into the dark night. Weeping and moaning (for no-one knew her shocking secret) and blinded by tears she stumbled through two large stone pillars and vanished.

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 03:02 AM

"Madam, I'm Adam." Smiling an evil, toothless smile, he added suggestively, "A man, a plan, a canal: Panama."

--seed

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Steve Parkes
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 03:28 AM

NOTLOB!

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 04:19 AM

NOTLOB, BOLTON?

--seed

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Big Mick
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 05:49 AM

Meanwhile, back across the valley, Bodhran O'Shea and Mi/chea/l Mo/r stood watching the "seein' too" the Pooka was giving to the cow. "Bedad, now" sez the wee one, "I never have seen worse, where did that wee faery go, just when I need her?". "And after waking me from a dead sleep with that piercing Belfast Brogue," sez Mick, "you would think she would stick around and help us with this mess she has gotten us into". Just then, himself the Pooka, he having finished his business, looked at them both. He shook his head and said....................

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 08:21 AM

"Right boys, who's next?"

Mick and Bodhran stood speechless.

Just then they saw the beautiful faery land between the pooka's ears. "I'll teach you, ye aul' horse. Get yer big hairy a*se out of here!" she cried in that delicate accent, as she smacked him fair right between the eyes with her wand, and he disappeared in a puff of magical smoke...... and in his place stood..........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 11:10 AM

....a bunyip, another mythological (and antipodean) beast, who stood looking around in utter bewilderment. "How did I get transported to this miserable, freezing place, where everyone talks funny?" he thought.

"Er.. G'day", he said, "Is this a closed party, or can anyone join in? Although I prefer me own kind meself......"

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Peter T.
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 11:11 AM

Shameless O'Joyce, the Nobel prize winning drunk.
"Con of the hundred bottles, that's what it is, yer all fragments of my imagination, smithy of smithereens. Cycling and cycling round the Viconian roundabout, he fuckin cannot hear the fuckoner, and yer honour, and I'm on yew, and the world returns anew, yes, I say, yes. Sure and many's the time I've been out on the roads, listening to the stars in the ditch, and kickin the little people in their Liry fairy rings. And there's the banshee and the fearshee and she may be the reason I survive, the why and wherefore I'm alive...."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alice
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 11:52 AM

...and on, and on, around about, and weaving in and out among the threads, too far back for Bruce Olson, before Max and Joe had given us numbers, or greenhaus had committed it to memory. Ho HO HO mr. gargoyle, you're going to be fined again
"While the elves in the moonbeams, feeling why, ... poor little brittle magic nation."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: LEJ
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 03:23 PM

Suddenly a gaily fiddled reel caught the ears of the entire group of unlikely creatures. Immediately they were caught up in a frantic dance. Then it was they spied Darby O'Gill. "Hee hee," the old geezer snickered, "I'll have all o' yer gold for mesel !" King Brian Boru laughed a hearty but tiny laugh himself." Sure'n yeer too late, Darby ye old sod! We fairy folk have gotten out o' the unpredictable precious metals market, and are heavily invested in No-load mutual funds!" O'Gill stopped his fiddlin, casting a doleful glance."Well then it's back to the farm fer me. I'll leave all of ye blatant stereotypes in peace..."

"Wait!" Shouted Bodhran."It's no future there is in farmin! This is Ireland man! Ye would best look into real estate, light industrial manufacture, or silicon chip tecnologies." Darby gazed uncomprehendingly at the Leprechaun. Bodhran scratched his head, then had an idea."Yer fiddle! Why sure that's worth it's weight in gold! Traditional Irish music is all the rage in Americay! Ye'll be a millionaire overnight- just ask Big Mick there!"

Mick laughed and said...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Matthew B.
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 03:40 PM

...that's what they told me when I sunk all my money into pork belly futures. And all because I'm so fond of BLT's!

The thought made his stomach growl in anger and hunger, so he started off in search of a Denny's that doesn't discriminate against Leprechauns. "I wonder if they'll take a check" he thought to himself.

Suddenly, his creditworthiness didn't matter, when out of the sky came a...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 07:48 PM

helicopter bearin' that cherubic Welsh-American writer, Dylan Dylan, whose tale of the last voyage of the S.S. (converted to M.V.) Possum sold ten million copies in hard cover before being made into a hit movie, Dylan clearin' twenty-five million on the sale of the film rights. The lone male survivor of the voyage had moved to Ireland for the tax benefits soon after publication of his epic. "Bodhran!" he shouted, "those friends of yours are all in my garden doing the hookah pookah--after they finished off all my brownies...

--seed

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 10:18 PM

Meanwhile back in the lushious green valley...........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Rita64
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 11:26 PM

... a fair young maid reclined beside the pond in the glen stroking her fabulous golden hair and sighing ...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 02 Jul 99 - 11:34 PM

..."Ooooh, how I wish I had never bleached it. My boyfriend won't even speak to me, he loved my red hair so..."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 12:23 AM

An aside, related to my last posting: Anyone remember how incredibly gorgeous the redheaded Lauren Holly was before she bleached her hair and became just another blonde--it happened on Picket Fences.

--seed

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Night Owl
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 12:28 AM

She no sooner finished her thought when she heard a noise behind her. She looked up and saw a....cow. "Where did you come from?" she asked. The cow stared her in the eye and to her surprise replied....

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Rita64
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 12:34 AM

"You put your right hoof in
You put your right hoof out
You put your right hoof in and you shake it all about
You do the hooka pooka ... oooo-oooh poooka ..."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Matthew B.
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 12:38 AM

"I'm you in a future lifetime. Only cows, hamsters and cats can remember their past lives, so I came back, so to speak, to warn you of what's about to happen and what you need to do about it."

She felt a bit uneasy having this unlikely conversation with her bovine future self, but she listened nontheless with rapt attention.

The cow shifted her weight from hoof to hoof, and then looked her in the eye and...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 01:54 AM

said "what the hell is that daft looking beast over there? And what has it got in it's hands?"

It was the Bunyip. On it's head between the many eyes and horns (sorry A of Oz.. having to invent what one looks like *grin*) was the daftest hat they had ever seen with lots of corks hanging off it. In his left hand was clutched an evil looking weapon, a long stick, covered in shiny bits of metal which jangled as he bounced it off the ground. In his right a smaller stick with grooves with which he kept hitting the other long stick. "I wish I could play at the Olympics," he cried as he pounded the stick into the earth. The sound was eerie.

The smaller faeries gathered around to get a closer look at where the terrible sound was coming from.

Being naughty little faeries they decided to trick this poor creature. Would he know not to eat or drink the faery food? they decided to find out.. and going up to him...........

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Peter T.
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 12:59 PM

they saw that he looked suspiciously like Crocodile Dundee.
The faeries danced around him in a ring, crying:
"Subaru, Subaru, Give it up, Paul, fer chrissake, abu. Dump the Subaru, and get on with your life, aru."

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: The Shambles
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 08:21 PM

(Building up for the BIG finale)

Suddenly the air was filled with the sound of an Australian marching band. The Bunyip on hearing this started to dance. The locals, not to be outdone tried their hardest to follow the steps, but having less feet than the Bunyip got into a bit of a tangle. But just then hope was at hand for, they could hear the sound of

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: The Shambles
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 09:59 PM

The Downballyfuckit Possum Ocarina and Tiple, Tango, Conga and Hokey Cokey, Limping Band were out on one of their 'Hunting The Ostrich', forays, as it was June 31st, or St Catspaw's day (I'm not too good with dates). They had started out with the wren but had moved on to bigger things.

The Bunyip was the nearest thing they had ever seen to an ostrich, so they made a bee-line for it and encircled it, all the time playing their version of Dancing Queen.

The Australian marching band saw this and decided to rescue their compatriot. They were not in the best of humour as they thought they been invited to Ireland to star on TV by Kerry Packer, the famous Oz TV magnate and had only just discovered that they had actually been invited by a Kerry Packer (a chap called Finbar Eidleman, who packed fish in Kerry), who just wanted to see if such a thing as an Australian marching band actually existed.

Just then there was an amazing sound coming from the east (for they were standing by the cross-roads at Spancil Hill), they all looked to see it was -----

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 10:41 PM

...a fair young maid, loudly bewailing the loss of her hair. A natural redhead, she had wrongly heard that blondes have more fun and bleached her hair. Knowing at last that she could not get its wonderful true color back, she shaved it all off and sold it to Hair Club for Men, who used it to make hairpieces for...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 10:53 PM

bald headed pookas, who needless to say had lost their hair due to being so virile..... and who lived.. back in that lushious green valley where.......... (shameless attempt to get back to original storyline **grin**)

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: alison
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 11:07 PM

.. it was now night time. The stars filled the skies and a full moon illuminated the scene.

Across the valley wafted the haunting sound of a Low D whistle. It was the giant Michea/l Mo/r from his position on a hilltop.

The little faery smiled to herself and thought......

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alice
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 11:12 PM

where.... it was a dark and stormy night, and all those exhausted by the hooka pooka dance had fallen asleep. Sleeping creatures are fair game for the magical folk, so the mischief began, switching cow's ears with possum tails, bodhrans with banjos, and accordions with ocarinas.

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 03 Jul 99 - 11:41 PM

...and thought, smiling angelically, "Well, that's one lass who I don't need to worry about attractin' that big Mick, at least until her hair graws back (she pinched herself angrily for usin' the Braid Scots word), although I've nary an idea why I'm dreamin' on the man. Cor (she jammed herself in the leg with a nail file for lettin' slip a word she'd learned from a Cockney sailor), there's no way I could do anythin' for the man, as huge as he is...still, I can dream, can't I, can't I pretend that I'm locked in the bend of his embrace, for dreams are just like wine, and I am drunk with mine."

By this time the bald lass, moanin' pitifully, turned into the Vinegar on Cowchips pub, where she saw...

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Big Mick
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 12:06 AM

The giant of a man and the wee faery. They were at a barn and all were dancing in the lantern light, music filled the air. He thanked the stars for the harvest moon, and asked them to turn him small or make the wee faery tall. For sure and hadn't he fallen for her in spite of her piercing northern brogue, and tendency to bring horny pooka's down to his fair western land. Of course he would have to teach her to drink the lovely pints of Uncle Arthur Guinness's very finest ale, for she had referred to it as that "vile black stuff". At any rate, he gathered her up, along with the fair young and bald young maiden, the wee fella known as Benjamin Bodhran and they..........................

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: The Shambles
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 05:52 AM

Saddled up the Bunyip and staggered off in to the sunset. They looked at the back end of the Bunyip to see that a strange growth was sprouting. It was bright emerald green and changing into the shape of a shamrock, for after all this was an Irish TAIL.

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 06:06 AM

... beheld the bunyip, lagerphone held menacingly in his left hand. To Big Mick he cried (learning the local lingo fast), "Release the wee faery, for I have a prior claim, or be prepared to fight a lagerphone duel. As you appear to lack such a fine weapon you must start making it. Begin your drinking now. Be warned: the shiny metal pieces must be marked with the sign of Foster's or other antipodean equivalent. Use of metal pieces bearing the mark of Guinness will result in an inferior lagerphone, rendering the owner impot... er defenceless against the skills of Terra Australis Incognito."

To the faery he said, "I'll take you away from all this. I'll show you a land where it is not incessantly grey wet and cold. Where the sun shines long and you wear shirts of the style "tee" in winter and even less in summer. A land that is the mecca of marching bands the world over."

As Big Mick was struck speechless by the wonderful oration of the Bunyip the faery spoke up and said.......

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 06:10 AM

Whoops, that was meant to follow Big Mick's chapter.

Actually, the faery didn't say that but she did say......

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Peter T.
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 10:36 AM

"What do you think about all this, Sinead?"
"Foockin' Christ, don't you realize that this is all part of the new religion I'm fomenting, St. Brigid O'Connor, play for us on all records that come out of Ireland day!"

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Alice
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 12:07 PM

It being the feast of Imbolc, a holiday sacred to the goddess Brigid, cows were all the thing, with every gift shop printing tee shirts, selling coffee mugs and key chain tags, not to mention the furry stuffed toy versions -images of cows were everywhere. Unfortunately, the real cow of this story had been long forgotten and neglected in the corner of the page.
As the maiden gathered with the others to build a bonfire on the hill, she remembered with horror that she had forgotten to milk the sacred cow!
"Oooh, moo achin' udder!" the cow moaned.

Subject: RE: An Irish Tale
From: Peter T.
Date: 04 Jul 99 - 01:54 PM

(Who can resist this cue?) All break into: "Did Your Udder Come From Ireland?!!"