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DTStudy: Seven Old Ladies

DigiTrad:
SEVEN OLD LADIES


Related threads:
Lyr Req: Old Ladies Nattering Happily (10)
Lyr Req: Ladies in the Lavatory... (52)
BS: Oh Dear What can the Matter Be? (6)
Lyr Req: Oh Dear What Can the Matter Be (40)
Lyr Req: Women in the bathroom (5)


pr6snc@fs2.ballarat.edu.au 31 Mar 97 - 11:52 PM
Murray 01 Apr 97 - 03:45 AM
BillD 01 Apr 97 - 10:25 AM
gargoyle (Golgart) 03 Apr 97 - 12:43 AM
GUEST,Longbeach cutey 05 Aug 02 - 08:34 PM
John Hindsill 05 Aug 02 - 08:58 PM
MMario 05 Aug 02 - 09:16 PM
masato sakurai 05 Aug 02 - 09:36 PM
GUEST,LONGBeach gal 06 Aug 02 - 03:48 AM
Jeanie 06 Aug 02 - 05:20 AM
George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca 06 Aug 02 - 07:19 AM
EBarnacle1 06 Aug 02 - 10:43 AM
Walter Corey 06 Aug 02 - 10:50 AM
George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca 06 Aug 02 - 02:42 PM
SINSULL 06 Aug 02 - 05:13 PM
Wincing Devil 06 Aug 02 - 06:10 PM
GUEST,Crazy Eddie 07 Aug 02 - 07:09 AM
masato sakurai 07 Aug 02 - 08:12 AM
masato sakurai 07 Aug 02 - 11:38 AM
Charley Noble 07 Aug 02 - 05:43 PM
Charley Noble 07 Aug 02 - 05:58 PM
Bill D 08 Aug 02 - 12:01 PM
GUEST,Lynn 11 Apr 10 - 09:19 AM
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Tiger 05 Aug 11 - 05:43 PM
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Subject: info RE: seven old ladies..
From: pr6snc@fs2.ballarat.edu.au
Date: 31 Mar 97 - 11:52 PM

I am looking for any info RE the old English rugby song, "Seven old ladies". The words to the song and how to act it out would be appreciated.

Thanking you in advance

Simon Connolly


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Subject: ADD Version: Seven Old Ladies
From: Murray
Date: 01 Apr 97 - 03:45 AM

Simon, I'm not at all sure how this could be acted out! The mind boggles at the thought, and I've never heard of such a thing. Anyway: look up Ed Cray's excellent "The Erotic Muse" (2nd, improved, edition out quite recently). EC gives notes on the tune and the nursery rhyme, and a text as follows [which the flyleaf assures us is in public domain]. [I abbreviate a bit.] [From first edition]

SEVEN OLD LADIES

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Seven old ladies were locked in the lavatory;
They were there from Monday 'til Saturday,
And nobody knew they were there.

The first old lady was Elizabeth Porter;
She was the deacon of Dorchester's daughter.
She went in to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.

The second o/l was Abigail Splatter;
She went there 'cause something was definitely the matter,
But when she got there, it was only her bladder, And...

The third o/l was Amelia Garpickle;
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle.
She hurdled the door; she'd forgotten her nickel, And...

The fourth old maiden was Hildegard Foyle;
She hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil, And...

The fifth o/l was Emily Clancy;
She went there 'cause something tickled her fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy, And...

The sixth o/l was extremely fertile,
Her name was O'Connor, the boys called her Myrtle.
She went there to repair a slight hole in her girdle, And...

The seventh o/l was Elizabeth Bender;
She went there to repair a broken suspender.
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender, And...

The janitor came in the early morning,
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

This is obviously an American text [collated from two from California]--see the rhymes in stanza 7; in Britain "fertile" rhymes with "smile." I have heard only three verses of this beyond the first (which serves as chorus), namely Elizabeth Porter, "the Bishop of Chichester's daughter/ Who only went in to get rid of some water"; Elizabeth Bender, who only went in to fix up her suspender, But it somehow got mixed with her feminine gender"; and [not in the above text] Elizabeth (notice they all have the same forename?) Humphrey, who "only sat down 'cos the seat was so comfy, When she tried to get up, she couldn't get her bum free". I've always thought this was the original way of it, later expanded to seven, the various names and predicaments being varied according to the ingenuity of the singer. [My text heard UK, 1952. There's another text in the British collection "Rugby Songs", edited it seems by Harry Morgan, published in London, Sphere Books, 1967 [and a reprint or two]--page 118, "Seven Old Ladies", which has the Bishop of Chichester's daughter, Abigail Humphrey, and Elizabeth Spender, and four others, including "old Mrs. Bickle" who hadn't a nickel. I can copy this if you like. I bet there are about as many variations on this productive theme as there are singers.


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Subject: Lyr Add: SEVEN OLD LADIES
From: BillD
Date: 01 Apr 97 - 10:25 AM

Here's something I copied from the rec.music.folk newsgroup several weeks ago...I 'dump' it just as I got it...it had some stuff new to me...have fun. (When I first started singing this 30 yrs ago, we were already up to about 9 or 10 old ladies)

In answer to the original post, here is what I've accumulated over the years. Does anyone have the rhyme for the two partial verses down at the end? I heard them on a ski bus trip years ago and only remembered half.

SEVEN OLD LADIES Time: 3/4 Tenor: D Bass: C
- Traditional: English Rugby song?
- Tune: Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Be
- Record: Oscar Brand, Bawdy Songs #3

CHORUS:


1 * * *
Oh dear, what can the matter be
2m * 57 *
Seven old ladies locked in the lavatory
1 * * *
They were there from Sunday till Saturday
2m 57 1 *
And nobody knew they were there

1 * * *
The first was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter
2m * 57 *
She went in to pass some superfluous water
1 * * *
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her
2m 57 1 *
And nobody knew she was there

The next to come in was Abigail Humphrey
She sat on the seat and arranged herself comfy
When she tried to get up, she could not get her bum free...

The third old lady was old Mrs. Bickle
She hurdled the door 'cause she hadn't a nickel
Caught her foot in the bowl, what a helluva pickle...

The next to come in was Elizabeth Spender
Who was doing all right till a vagrant suspender
Got all tangled up in her feminine gender...

The fifth old lady was Abigail Prim
She only sat down on a personal whim
But she somehow got pinched 'twixt the cup and the brim...

The next to come in was Elizabeth Carter
She was known as a world-renowned farter
She went in and played a Beethoven sonata...

The last to come in was dear Mrs. Mason
The stalls were all full so she pissed in the basin
And that is the water that I washed my face in...

The janitor came in on Saturday morning
And opened the door without any warning
The seven old ladies came out a-swarming
At last somebody knew they were there

NOTES:
- L4: "seemed to care" for "knew they were there."

SYMBOLS:
- Asterisk (*) = new measure, play same chord
- Period (.) = 1/8 note rest at start of a measure
- Underline (_) = sustain note into next measure

CHORDS (Number System):
- The numbers are the notes of the diatonic scale (do-re-me-fa-so-la-ti-do)
- The system lets you play a song in any key, using the same chart


Common Keys: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7
Key of C C D E F G A B (no sharps)
Key of G G A B C D E F# (1 sharp)
Key of D D E F# G A B C# (2 sharps)
Key of A A B C# D E F# G# (3 sharps)


SEVEN OLD LADIES - ADDITIONAL VERSES
- Variations and extras

The first one's name was Elizabeth Porter
She went in to be rid of some overdue water
And she stayed there far more than she ought to...

The **** to come in was old Mrs Flynn
She prided herself on being so thin
But when she sat down, the poor dear fell in...

The **** old lady was Emily Clancy
She went there 'cause something tickled her fancy
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy

The **** to come in, it was old Mrs. Draper
She sat herself down, and then found there was no paper
She had to clean up with a plasterer's scraper...

The **** was the wife of a Deacon in Dover
And though she was known as a bit of a rover
She liked it so much, she thought she'd stay over...

The **** old lady was extremely fertile
Her name was O'Connor; the boys called her Myrtle
She went there to repair a slight hole in her girdle...

The **** old maiden was Hildegard Foyle
She hadn't been living according to Hoyle
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil...

The **** old lady was Eloise Geck
Who could not decide which hole to select
She got for her pains, a pipe organ effect...

The **** old lady was Emily Clancy
She went there cause something tickled her fancy
But when she got there, it was ants in her pantsy...

The *** old lady was Mrs. McBligh
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry...

The **** to go in was old Mrs. Murray
She had to go in a hell of a hurry
But when she got there it was too late to worry...

The **** to come in was old Mrs. Brewster
She could not see as well as she used ter
She sat on the handle and swore someone goosed her...

The **** old lady was old Mrs. Hart
... fart

The **** old lady was old Mrs. Hemingway
... ???

Sort of like "Ninety-nine Bottles of Beer," isn't it!

- Barrie


---------------------------------------------------------------------------
| Barrie McCombs, MD, CCFP | Family Physician by day |
| bmccombs@acs.ucalgary.ca | Folk Musician during full moons |
| Calgary Folk Music URL: http://www.ucalgary.ca/~bmccombs/calfolk.html |
---------------------------------------------------------------------------


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Subject: RE: info RE: seven old ladies..
From: gargoyle (Golgart)
Date: 03 Apr 97 - 12:43 AM

Working as a guide in the North Maine Woods one summer, I had the pleasure of canoeing with a crew of Scouts from the British Isles for two weeks. This was one of their favorite songs. A couple variants are close to same words but:

"...Mrs. John Brewster,
Who sat, and sat, and sat like a rooster,
'Til Neptune came up with his trident and goosed her...

"The last one in was old Mrs. Draper,
Who got so darn hungry she had to eat paper,
And all that came out was an obnoxious vapor,
And EVERYONE knew she was there.


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Subject: ZDTStudy: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,Longbeach cutey
Date: 05 Aug 02 - 08:34 PM

Help! An old high school teacher of mine in Norwalk used to sing this song! I can't remember the words! cutey

Seven Old Ladies in the Digital Tradition


SEVEN OLD LADIES

Oh, dear, what can the matter be
Seven old ladies got locked in the lavat'ry
They were there from Sunday 'till Saturday
Nobody knew they were there

The first to come in was the minister's daughter
(The first was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter)
She went in to pass some superfluous water
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her
And nobody knew she was there

The next to come in was dear Mrs. Mason
The stalls were all full so she pissed in the basin
And that is the water that I washed my face in
And nobody knew she was there

The third old lady was Amelia Garpickle;
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle.
She hurdled the door; she'd forgotten her nickel,
And nobody knew she was there

The forth to come was old Mrs. Humphrey
She shifted and jiggled to get herself comfy
Then to her dismay, she could not get her bum free
And nobody knew she was there

The fifth to come in, it was old Mrs. Draper
She sat herself down, and then found there was no paper
She had to clean up with a plasterer's scraper
And nobody knew she was there

The sixth old lady was Emily Clancy;
She went there 'cause something tickled her fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy
And nobody knew she was there

The seventh old lady was Elizabeth Bender;
She went there to repair a broken suspender.
(But how in the world she got a suspender)
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender,
(Caught up in the site of the feminine gender)
And nobody knew she was there
( I 'aven't the slightest idea.)

The janitor came in the early morning.
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

alt:
(The __ old lady was Abigail Quimm
Who crossed her legs on a personal whim,
But her thigh got caught twixt the bowl and the rim
And nobody knew she was there.)

(parenthetical additions by RG
@bawdy
filename[ SEVENOLD
Tune file : ODEARWHA

CLICK TO PLAY
BR




PLEASE NOTE: Because of the volunteer nature of The Digital Tradition, it is difficult to ensure proper attribution and copyright information for every song included. Please assume that any song which lists a composer is copyrighted ©. You MUST aquire proper license before using these songs for ANY commercial purpose. If you have any additional information or corrections to the credit or copyright information included, please e-mail those additions or corrections to us (along with the song title as indexed) so that we can update the database as soon as possible. Thank You.
From the Traditional Ballad Index:

Seven Old Ladies

DESCRIPTION: Seven old ladies, to the tune of "Oh, Dear, What Can the Matter Be," encounter various difficulties in the lavatory.
AUTHOR: unknown
EARLIEST DATE:
KEYWORDS: humorous scatological age derivative
FOUND IN: Australia Britain(England) US(MA,SW)
REFERENCES (2 citations):
Cray, pp. 119-122, "Seven Old Ladies" (1 text, 1 tune)
DT, SEVENOLD*

Roud #10227
CROSS-REFERENCES:
cf. "Oh, Dear, What Can the Matter Be" (tune & meter)
File: EM119

Go to the Ballad Search form
Go to the Ballad Index Instructions
Go to the Bibliography
Go to the Discography

The Ballad Index Copyright 2011 by Robert B. Waltz and David G. Engle.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: John Hindsill
Date: 05 Aug 02 - 08:58 PM

Dear G,LBC

Are you thinking of a naughty [bg] varient of "Oh Dear, What Can the Matter Be"?

It starts, "Oh dear, what can the matter be, seven old ladies locked in a lavatory, they were there from Sunday to Saturday, nobody knew they were there."

The song then describes each old lady. As I have not heard nor sung this ditty in more than 40 years, I cannot remember the rest of it...but, for sure, somebody will, here.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: MMario
Date: 05 Aug 02 - 09:16 PM

Seven Old Ladies is in the DT - if you click on the link it will take you to the lyrics.


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Subject: Lyr Add: SEVEN OLD LADIES
From: masato sakurai
Date: 05 Aug 02 - 09:36 PM

Another version.

SEVEN OLD LADIES
(To the tune of "Oh, Dear, What Can the Matter Be")
The seventh lady's stanza is lacking.

Chorus:
Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Seven old ladies were locked in the lavat'ry;
They were there from Monday till Saturday,
And nobody knew they were there.

The first old lady was 'Lizabeth Porter;
She was the deacon of Dorchester's daughter.
Went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.

The second old lady was Abigail Splatter.
She went there 'cause something was definitely the matter,
But when she got there, it was only her bladder,
And nobody knew she was there.

The third old lady was Amelia Garpickle;
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle.
She hurdled the door; she'd forgotten her nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

The fourth old maiden was Hildegard Foyle;
She hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
[She was relieved it was only a boil,]
And nobody knew she was there.

The fifth old lady was Emily Clancy;
She went there [when it] tickled he fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy,
And nobody knew she was there.

The sixth old lady was Elizabeth Bender;
She went there to repair a broken suspender.
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.

The janitor came in the early morning.
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

From: Ed Cray, The Erotic Muse, 2nd ed. (U of Illinois Pr., 1992, pp. 119-120)

~Masato


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,LONGBeach gal
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 03:48 AM

Thanks for these words! My teacher used to sing something about Elizabeth Draper eating paper! Oh, I see it now! That DT is nifty! Thanks, me


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Jeanie
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 05:20 AM

While you're at it, have a look at the Five Constipated Men - they're in the DT, too !

- jeanie


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 07:19 AM

HEre are the other threads including one of the oldest in the Forum:

Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be
info RE: seven old ladies..
Lyr Req: Ladies in the Lavatory...
Lyr Req: Women in the bathroom


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: EBarnacle1
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 10:43 AM

Part of another verse I used to hear is:

The _____ old lady was the bishop of Chichester's Daughter, She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught 'er [I don't remember the other line, but] Nobody knew she was there.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Walter Corey
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 10:50 AM

The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter
She went in to pass some superfluous water
She pulled on the chain & the rising tide caught 'er
& nobody knew she was there


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: George Seto - af221@chebucto.ns.ca
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 02:42 PM

Barnacle & Walter,

It's in the DT version (alternate for the first verse) as well as in a couple of the threads.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: SINSULL
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 05:13 PM

Bert treated us to this at Annamill's. Can't be two years ago...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 06 Aug 02 - 06:10 PM

There was a verse about Margaret Thatcher, but I can't remember the particulars...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 07:09 AM

The next old lady was little miss Mason,
The toilets were locked, so she used the hand-basin.
That's the one, that YOU washed your face in,
and nobody....


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Subject: ADD Versions: SEVEN OLD LADIES
From: masato sakurai
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 08:12 AM

From This French site, with "Seven Old Gentlemen".

Titre de la chanson : Seven old ladies (oh dear what can the matter be)

-- Tune: Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be)
-- Note: Versions exist called 'Six Old Ladies'; a schoolyard version is 'Three Old Ladies'

Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.

They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.

The first was the wife of a Deacon in Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was old Mrs Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
Who went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free
And nobody knew she was there.

The next old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
Who was doing all right 'till a vagrant suspender
Got all twisted up in her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.

The last was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim
But somehow got pinched 'tween the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there.

But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,
She went in to sip from a bottle of rye,
She slipped through the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.

The janitor[1] came in early one morning,
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

[1] UK versions say 'caretaker' in place of 'janitor'



-- Variant verses:

The -th was the wife of a deacon in Dover,
And thought she was known as a bit of a rover,
She went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Mrs McNicholl,
Her urge was sincere, her reaction was fickle,
She hurdled the door she'd forgotten her nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Lizabeth Biddle,
She went in there, she needed to piddle,
She slipped in the pan right up to her middle,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Rosemary Madder,
She went in feeling something was the matter,
But when she got there it was only her bladder,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Hildegard Foyle,
She hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Julia Porter,
She was the Deacon of Dorchester's daughter,
Went to relieve a slight pressure of water,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Eleanor Slaughter,
She was the Mayor of Bayswater's daughter, [a ref to song of this name?]
Went in to jill off and nobody caught her,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Emily Clancy,
She went in there 'cause something tickled her fancy,
But when she got there it was ants in her pantsy,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th was called Elizabeth Liszt,
Went in with a bottle and soon was pissed,
Tried to sit down but got stuck when she missed,
And nobody knew she was there.

But another old lady was Mrs McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Elizabeth Spender,
She went in there to repair a suspender,
It snapped up and ruined her feminine gender,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th was a lady named Lillian Pym,
Went there to scratch at the spots on her quim,
She somehow got stuck 'tween the seat and the rim,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Janet McGrew,
She'd eaten senna and needed to poo,
The cheeks of her bottom got wedged in the loo,
And nobody knew she was there.

Another old lady was Marjorie Stump,
Went to the toilet, she needed to dump,
The door must have jammed when she gave it a bump,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Emily Shaw,
Known to the rest as a bit of a whore,
Went for a squat, couldn't open the door,
And nobody knew she was there.

The -th old lady was Monica Fitz,
Suffered from cramping and chronic colicks,
Went to the loo with a case of the shits,
And nobody knew she was there.



-- Schoolyard version

Oh dear what can the matter be?
Three old ladies locked in the lavat'ry,
They've been there from Monday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.

The first was called Elizabeth Porter,
Went there to get rid of some unwanted water,
The second was called Elizabeth Humphrey,
Who sat in the lav and couldn't get her bum free.
The third was called Elizabeth List,
Went in with a bottle and came out pissed.

-- also:

Oh dear what can the matter be?
Three old ladies tied to the apple-tree,
One escaped, the others stopped there till Saturday,
Oh dear what can the matter be?



Seven old gentlemen (oh dear what can the matter be)
-- Tune: Oh Dear What Can The Matter Be
-- Male version of Seven Old Ladies/Six Old Ladies/Three Old Ladies

Oh, dear, what can the matter be,
Seven old gentlemen locked in the lavat'ry,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there.

They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went in together, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavat'ry door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.

The first was the sailor who'd come up from Dover,
And though he was known as a bit of a rover,
He liked it so much he thought he'd stay over,
And nobody knew he was there.

The next old gentleman was Mr Bickle,
He found himself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth, he hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew he was there.

The next old chap was Timothy Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make himself comfy,
And then he found out he could not get her bum free
And nobody knew he was there.

The next old chappie was Anthony Spender,
Who was doing all right until his sock suspender
Snapped and tangled and damaged his gender,
And nobody knew he was there.

Another old gent was called Marmaduke Biddle,
He went in there cos he needed to piddle,
He slipped in the pan right up to her middle,
And nobody knew he was there.

The last was a gent known only as Tim,
He only sat down on a personal whim
But somehow got pinched 'tween the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew he was there.

But another old gentleman, Freddy McBligh,
He went in to sip from a bottle of rye,
He slipped through the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew he was there.

The janitor[1] came in early one morning,
He opened the door without any warning,
The seven old menfolk their seats were adorning,
And nobody knew they were there.

[1] UK versions say 'caretaker' in place of 'janitor'

-- Variant verses:

The -th old chappie was Mr McNicholl,
His urge was sincere, his reaction was fickle,
He hurdled the door he'd forgotten his nickel,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old bloke was called Sam-u-el Madder,
He went in feeling something was the matter,
He'd had some trouble with stones in his bladder,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old bloke was named Percival Foyle,
He hadn't been living according to Hoyle,
Was relieved when the swelling was only a boil,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old man he was Wilberforce Clancy,
He went in there 'cause something tickled his fancy,
But when he got there it was ants in his pantsy,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old man was Cornelius Liszt,
Went in with a bottle and soon he was pissed,
Tried to sit down but got stuck when he missed,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old fellow was Mr McBligh,
Went in with a bottle to booze on the sly,
He jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th was a fellow named Cameron Dick,
Went there to scratch at the spots on his prick,
Slid into the pan and was soon in a fix,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old gentlemen Barney McGrew,
He'd drunk too much real ale and needed to poo,
The cheeks of his bottom got wedged in the loo,
And nobody knew he was there.

Another old gent there was Antony Stump,
Went to the toilet, he needed to dump,
The door must have jammed when he gave it a bump,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old fellow was Joshua Shaw,
Known to the rest as a bit of a bore,
Went for a squat, couldn't open the door,
And nobody knew he was there.

The -th old fellow was Brian O'Fitz,
Suffered from cramping and chronic colicks,
Went to the loo with a bad case of shits,
And nobody knew he was there.

~Masato


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Subject: Lyr Add: SEVEN OLD DEMOCRATS
From: masato sakurai
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 11:38 AM

There's a parody of a parody (from HERE).

The Seven Old Democrats (1972)
Tune: "Seven Old Ladies"

After Watergate, the American Public was not obliged to accept Republican wrongheadedness. An alternative was offered in the form of Democrat Total Confusion. A lot of things went wrong at that Democrat Convention.

SEVEN OLD DEMOCRATS

Refrain: Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Seven Old democrats locked in conclavity;
They were there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew they were there.

The name of the first one was Hubert H. Humphrey.
He only went there to make himself comfy.
He tried to stand up but could not get his bum free,
And nobody knew he was there.

The next was a Senator Muskie from Maine.
He tried it before, now he's trying again.
But his prospects, they all seem to slip down the drain,
And nobody knew he was there.

The name of the next one was Eugene McCarthy
Who aimed at reforming the Democrat party.
Does he think Sherlock Holmes could reform Moriarty?
And nobody knew he was there.

The name of the next one was Georgie McGovern.
When others went hawking, he went out a-dovin'.
I fear he'll get lost in the kickin' and shovin',
And nobody knew he was there.

The name of the next one was Wilbur D. Mills
Who had nothing to work with but ten-dollar bills.
'Twas a tight situation which tested his skills,
And nobody knew he was there.

Next came John Lindsay from New York's fair city
Who liked to read poems and words that are witty.
He stayed long enough just to view the graffitti,
And nobody knew he was there.

The name of the next one was Senator Jackson
Who thinks that a bus ain't a thing to put blacks on.
All bigots rejoice at the sound of his claxon,
And nobody knew he was there.

And one afterthought was Senator Kennedy.
When he got free from his work at the Senate, he
Liked to go roving but Never on-Sen-a-day,
And nobody knew he was there.

~Masato


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 05:43 PM

Masato-amazing what happens round here when someone pulls the right chain. Reminds me of that old song I once wrote entitled "Justice en Lieu," a true story about a Maine district judge who got trapped in his own private chamber. You should be able to find my posting in some sort of thread search if you're interested.

Cheerily,
Charley Noble


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Charley Noble
Date: 07 Aug 02 - 05:58 PM

Try a thread search for "justice en lieu;" I've revived the old "Toilet Humor" thread after I couldn't find the song in a search with "Justice en Lieu." I'll never figure out this search system.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Aug 02 - 12:01 PM

talk about an excess of goodies....now HOW can I sing **SEVEN** old ladies again, when I now have 38 to choose from..*grin*...40 years ago, we KNEW the song....

"A man with a good watch always know what time it is...a man with two watches is never sure"


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,Lynn
Date: 11 Apr 10 - 09:19 AM

There was a version I head as a little kid (again about 50 years ago) that included a lady named Keller, the (pot) didn''t work, but they didn't tell her, she flushed it and went clear to the celler, and nobody knew she was there. There was also a verse about a lady whose name rhymed with sooner.   . The ( )th old lady (something 'ooner) went to the bathroom and wisedh she'd gone sooner. The verse about Mrs. Draper went that she went in and found no paper, not even a corn cob could she find, and nobody knew she was there.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,SadieHawkins
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 02:10 AM

The -th one was a lady named Myrtle
Jumped over the top like a steeplechase hurdle,
Got her glasses caught in the hook of her girdle,
And nobody knew she was there.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: Tiger
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 05:43 PM

Two others I use as part of my seven:

The next to go in was old Mrs Murray
Who came through the door in a hell of a hurry
By the time she got there it was too late to worry...

The second old lady was dear Mrs Brewster
Whose eyes didn't see quite as well as they used-ter
She sat on the handle and swore someone goosed her...

Plus: Chichester's daughter, Humphrey, Garpickle, Bender, Humphrey, Draper

...just be sure you sing exactly seven :)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,Jim I
Date: 05 Aug 11 - 09:14 PM

Seems like this needs an ending - I use this one.

They said they were going to have tea with the vicar
They went in together, they thought it was quicker
But the lavatory door was a bit of a sticker
And the vicar had tea all alone


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Seven Old Ladies
From: GUEST,Lighter
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 10:24 AM

I seem to remember that Oscar Brand claimed in the 1990s that he'd been personally responsible for the increase in the number of ladies from the traditional three to a spectacular seven.

He seems first to have recorded the song in the 1950s.


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Subject: Jim J
From: Tiger
Date: 06 Aug 11 - 01:02 PM

That's really the first stanza.

The ending I use is:

The janitor came in on Saturday morning
He opened the door without any warning
The seven old ladies their seats were adorning
And nobody knew they were there


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Subject: Lyr Add: 16 OLD LADIES LOCKED IN THE LAVATORY
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 09:29 AM

Who knew this had ever been recorded? This occupied both sides of a 78-rpm "party" record. You can hear it at The Internet Archive, Part 1 and Part 2.


16 OLD LADIES LOCKED IN THE LAVATORY
As recorded by Herbi Hardt and his Jesters, 1949.

[Part 1]

[First chorus:] The old ladies locked in a lavat'ry,
They were there from Monday till Saturday.
Oh, dear! What can the matter be?
Nobody knew they were there.

The first old lady, Elizabeth Bickel,
Went to the washroom in a heck of a pickle,
For she had forgotten to bring in a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there.

[Second and subsequent choruses:]
Oh, dear! What can the matter be?
The old ladies locked in a lavat'ry,
They were there from Monday till Saturday.
Nobody knew they were there.

The second old lady, Elizabeth Bender,
Went in to fix a busted suspender.
It snapped back and hit her feminine gender,
And ev'ryone knew she was there. [Chorus]

The third old lady, Elizabeth Draper,
Went to the washroom in a very light caper,
And when she got there, she found no paper,
Not even a corncob there. [Chorus]

The fourth old lady, Elizabeth Twitter,
Went to the washroom all a-jitter,
Sat down on her teeth and you know where they bit 'er,
And ev'ryone knew she was there. [Chorus]

The fifth old lady, Elizabeth Humphrey,
When she sat down she found it so comfy,
But when when she got up, she couldn't get her rump free,
And nobody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The sixth old lady, Elizabeth Moos,
Not very tall, but what a caboose!
Didn't know she went in until she let loose.
Heck, then ev'rybody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The seventh old lady, Elizabeth Crown,
Her dress went up and it wouldn't come down,
And ev'ryone said: "Isn't that Fanny Brown?"
But Fanny was nowhere around. [Chorus]

The eighth old lady, Elizabeth Spooner,
Went in to see what was caught in her bloomer,
And when she got there, she wished she'd gone sooner,
And nobody knew they were there. [First chorus]

[Part 2]

[First chorus]

The ninth old lady, Elizabeth Schmauz,
She went in as still as a mouse,
But then she was heard all over the house,
And ev'ryone knew she was there. [Second chorus]

The tenth old lady, Elizabeth Wren,
Ev'ry few minutes she got a yen,
Got in the wrong door and had to stand with the men,
And all the men thought it was rare. [Chorus]

The eleventh old lady, Elizabeth Wooster,
Couldn't see as good as she used ter,
Sat on the handle and thought someone goosed 'er,
And nobody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The twelfth old lady, Elizabeth Keller,
The plumbing was faulty but they didn't tell 'er.
She pulled the chain and went through to the cellar,
And nobody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The thirteenth old lady, Elizabeth Master,
Went to the washroom a little bit faster,
Got caught in the door and had a disaster,
And ev'ryone knew she was there. [Chorus]

The fourteenth old lady, Elizabeth Fink,
Went in the washroom just to primp,
And when she came out, oh boy, did she feel better!
And nobody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The fifteenth old lady, Elizabeth Meeker,
Along in years, control a bit weaker,
Got as far as the door and [whistle] let a sneaker,
And nobody knew she was there. [Chorus]

The sixteenth old lady, Elizabeth Smart,
Ev'ry few minutes to the washroom would dart,
And all she could do was sit there and read,
And nobody knew she was there. [First chorus]


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Subject: RE: DTStudy: Seven Old Ladies
From: Lighter
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 10:54 AM

Odd that this song, which is about nothing much beyond elderly women and their bodily waste products, should have been so terrifically popular, especially in elaborately extended versions.

Three stanzas, OK. But seven, sixteen, or more?


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