Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)

Subject: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 03:26 PM

Dear Fellow 'Catters,

First I would hasten to point out that this thread is Jeri's fault and not mine. As you all know, I am the pinnacle of taste and decorum around here. I simply made an observation on another thread about female/male 'Catters and Jeri responded with a logical and well thought out (and probably true) response. Please see the "Mudcat Resources" thread if you have any questions. In any case, this thread is the result. Don't blame me. And as you can see, I used an appropriate thread title. Fart doesn't seem quite so vulgar with a PH instead of an F---sorta' refined like.

That said.........What few friends I have left will tell you I'm one of the Gas Kings of all time. But let me tell you a different tale about my first college roommate.

Dale led a sheltered life in a small town in SW Virginia and the first time anybody mentioned lighting air biscuits, he couldn't believe it. So naturally, being 18 year old males, we all did.......he was amazed, but was too shy to try it. Several days later, Matt and I walked into the room and were confronted with a sight that's hard to forget. Laying on the bottom bunk, in his u-trou, with feet on the top bunk rail like a hairy legged V, lay Dale........complete with lit match held to his ass. Evidently our surprise entrance was just the incentive he needed as a large rip and flame shot out across the room. I think there is nowhere in my experience, before or since, that I have received such a greeting.

Of course there was another friends uncle who was a bit deaf and untroubled by his prodigious flatulence. I was warned, but the first time I met Jimmy, we shook hands and he said, "Hey there Buddy (FFLLEEEEPP), Good ta' meetcha' (BRAAWWMMPP). Glad y'all (PPRROOOOOTTT) could make it." Never met anybody quite like Ol' Jimmy.

Got more of course, but (butt?) Jeri, it's all yours.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Peter T.
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 03:47 PM

Recently when I visited Uruguay (a country in South America) there was a significant controversy concerning Uruguay's contribution to global warming. Since the population is 3-5 million, the carbon dioxide contribution to the greenhouse gas problem is insignificant, but Uruguay is a beef growing country, and has more cattle per capita than any other country on earth, and therefore higher methane gas emissions per capita than any other country. It was pointed out in a semi-official protest that this was an insult to the Uruguyan people since the official UN documents did not specify that the "capita"s involved were calculated from cattle, not people. This figure is under revision, as suspicion from new calculations suggest that Canada and Iceland, with their significant emissions from peat bogs, may well be out in front in the methane stakes. Methane is a much more powerful greenhouse gas than carbon dioxide. I have not seen any figures on whether flaring it off in the manner suggested would contribute to solving this urgent global problem.
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Peter T.
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 03:49 PM

Sorry, that should be Ireland. I apologise to skarpi.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Dave Swan
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 04:46 PM

Now kids, don't try this at home without adult supervision. Get a grown up's permission to roast those little stinkers. Everyone should have the proper safety gear, so no flimsy nighties, fringe on the bedspread or fuzzy slippers. Keep a safe barrier between your cheeks and the flame. Nomex boxers or panties work best, cotton is O.K., nylon is right out. Have a good long match, the kind Daddy uses after he's poured gasoline on the Bar-B-Que. Zippos are a bad idea. Keep good, positive pressure once you've got a flame going. Push, push, push, then take the match away. You don't want Mister Flame following the fuel up your fanny. Experiment with different foods to see what colors of flame you can produce. Keep a big bucket of ice water nearby just in case. Remember, never put butter on a burn, even if it's your buns. You can send us pictures of your experiments and we'll show them to all the other little scientists here at the Neal Young Center. Be safe, be scientific, and remember, methane is your friend.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: LEJ
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 05:07 PM

Frankly, Catspaw, I'm not sure what flatulence has to do with folk music, except that there are a lot of old farts playing it. But I do think this thread's a gas, and quite thought-provoking. If this natural resource could be harnessed, one might not only have his baked beans, but be provided with a cheap source of cooking them. Cattle who must be housed during long stretches of freezing weather might be utilized to heat their own lodgings. Long haul truckdrivers could power their vehicles by refueling at Taco Bell instead of Exxon. I think that you should use your influence at the Neil Young Center to create a grant to study this emerging technology, Catspaw.

LEJ

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Jeri
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 05:35 PM

It is NOT my fault! All I did was mention lighting farts where Catspaw could read it, and...yeah, I guess it is my fault.

I never learned how to do this - I don't think it's something girls do. I think it's a "welcome to masculinity" thing for guys - a sort of coming-of-age ritual. I never even knew it was possible until I was about 17, and a friend's uncle demonstrated for a bunch of us kids. Does it have to be an uncle who shares these things? I'm curious how you incendiary butt-bomb specialists learned the art. (Wouldn't this make one hell of a thesis topic?)

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 05:51 PM

Ah Jeri, it is an art...and we have to thank Dave for posting the necessary safety precautions!!! Failure to observe some of these basic rules can resault in serious injury. (And unlike the McDonalds hot coffee affair, who gets sued?)

Leej, I been thinkin' maybe there is something gainful in this too! Like I was thinkin' that maybe them folks down Uruguay way might have an unemployment problem. If as Peter suggests, we might fix the ozone problem through lighting cattle farts, perhaps unemployed Uruguayans might be used to stand at each bovine butt prepared to ignite the blasts. Like the WPA or the CCC here during the depression. Gainful employment...might work here, but we'd probably have to pay big bucks.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bbc
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 06:05 PM

Thank you, catspaw, for your consideration in moving to your own thread, rather than profaning the sanctity of my serious one!

bbc (grinning & reading it, anyway!)

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Margo
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 06:21 PM

Hey, I know I put this story in another thread a long time ago, but since we're on the subject, here it is again:

Which reminds me of the day that I ought to have stayed home instead of going to my Judo class. At the time, I owned a small Cafe in southern Oregon. I was the owner, cook, waitress, dishwasher, and anything else that needed to be done person. It was a consuming job, and I was pretty well exhausted by the time I closed the doors. My dinner would generally consist of whatever I could quickly grab in the restaurant.

Unfortuneately, that's not very healthy. I got away from cooking good food for myself and became run down. The doctor, after interviewing me, said that my body had become a cesspool of bad things and that I needed to change my diet, which I did right away.

Have you ever suddenly began eating a high fiber diet after not having done so? It has a definate effect on the digestive system. Lots of gas. You can see where this is going.

I really liked my Judo class. The instructor was one of those gentle giants. His grand stature and buzz cut might initially give the impression of a tough guy, but not so. I came to class as usual, and as we gathered and stepped on the mat, I had my first clue that I ought to leave. Part of the ritual of Judo is bowing.

You bow before stepping onto the mat, you bow to your partner before you attempt to send him flying through the air. I bowed at the edge of the mat and whoops! A humdinger of air pollutant escaped from my shocked intestinal system. I figured I'd wait a minute there at the edge of the mat.

But you know how it is. When you walk, the vacuum sucks the air in behind you and the putrescent air follows. With the exertion of the excerises and hitting the mat with an odiferous splat I managed to create quite a cloud of undesireable atmosphere. Finally, waiting in line and standing next to my teacher, my secret got out.

Yes friends, the old childhood acronym of SBD's was applicable that day. (SBD=silent, but deadly) My teacher wrinkled his nose and turned to me saying, "It smells like a sewer pipe broke!" Now at this point, you would think that no self respecting person would admit to being reaponsible for perfuming the air in such a manner. But not Margo, no.

I sheepishly admitted that I had changed my diet......I think his embarassment was at or above my level. Maybe I wanted to share that too!

(I'm not really such a stinker)

Margarita

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Banjer
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 07:42 PM

Before I opened this thread I gave a brief moment of thought as to who could have started it. I was not wrong!! Who else could we look to for such educational tidbits?
The mental image of the college roomie lying on the bunk in the act of attempting a horizontal liftoff is one which will probably be with 'Spaw for the rest of his days... No wonder he grew up as he did. I think we owe Dale a large debt of gratitude for contributing to the depravity of Catspaw and subsequently to our own amusement.
There is a story to share here, about an old fellow in a wheelchair who lives in a Assisted Living Facility. He had just recently been placed there when his care became too much for his family to handle. He was a very alert oldtimer, just couldn't get around as he used to. On the day following his admission to the facility an attendant came to his room, helped him into the chair and took him downstairs to the cafeteria where a wonderful meal had been prepared. As the old man sat eating he started to lean sideways in his chair. A helpful staff member rushed to his aid and sat him straight and fluffed the pillows at his side. The following day he was again taken downstairs, this time to the day lounge for some entertainment by a musical group. As he sat enjoying the music he again started to lean sideways in his chair and again a helpful attendant came to straighten him up and placed more fluffed pillows at his side. Each day saw yet another event occuring at the home, and again each day as he started to lean in his chair some one of the staff would be right at his side to help straighten him back into an upright position.
Comes the weekend and a visit from the old man's children and grankids. "So tell us Dad, how do like the place so far?" Asked his son.
"Well," replied the old man, "There ain't a day goes by that somethin' ain't happenin' somewhere. There was a big spread in the dining room Monday, and on Tuesday there was some folks called themselves Mudcatters or something like that come to play some real fine music for us, and Wednes day they had a movie set up for us in the little auditorium they have, and the people here are just fantastic!! Never have to call for them, they are always right there to help whenever they think you need it! Only one problem I have with this place it, dammit, they won't let ya fart!"

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Helen
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 08:01 PM

Okay, just to help the scientific nature of this discussion, I'd like to share with you the proper scientific jargon:

A gas emanating from the anal region is a farteous gas A minute particule of a fart, i.e at molecular level, is a farticule If you were to do a specific research study on farts it would be a farticular study

Helen

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 08:09 PM

A friend of mine in college somewhat overendowed with body hair (to make up for his rapidly receding hairline) tried to light one wearing only his Jockeys: the flame ignited the hair on the backs of his legs. Firemarshall Dave, be sure to add that to your list of cautions. --seed

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Jeri
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 08:58 PM

BSeed, Dave already mentioned Nomex shorts. You should also have a fire extinguisher near in case of flaming a**holes. (Gee, that really burns my butt.) I wonder how many people show up at emergency rooms with torched tushies. I wonder if folks who work in ERs have a cute name for the condition. I wonder why I'm wondering these things when I'm only drinking ginger beer. Gotta get me some pickled eggs and porter...

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Banjer
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 10:12 PM

Nah, what ya need is a big bowl of Pinto means (aka Manna From Heaven) with about half of a large chopped onion and a couple of big spoons of Mayonaise mixed in with it, a little pepper and salt and a couple of Bud long necks. Then, in a short while, hand me the matches and head for high ground, or upwind, whichever you prefer! (both would be the sensible thing!) ;-)

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: gargoyle
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 10:39 PM

Thankfully, never experienced them...nor had a desire to.

Have heard them referred to as "ig-narts."

Film - Scandinavian Nicolas and Alexandria

Characters - Uncle w/ young boy & girl

Scene - Christmas Celebration

Action - Uncle leads children away from party to view "fireworks."

Audience responce: cute, infantile, disgusting, vile

Catspaw - It is suggested that you have your wife edit your postings..... the "drunken-effects" of anesthesia can leave their impression for up to three months after the incident. While beans may be referred to as the "musical fruit"....as someone else noted.... is this really necessary???????

BSeed - THAT IS PRECISELY!!!! the type of room-mate I invisioned you as having in college. "Seeds of a flower, fruit together."

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Duane D.
Date: 10 Jul 99 - 11:27 PM

I must have led a sheltered life. Although I heard about *flamers* as a teenager, I never considered trying to create them and I'm not about to try it at my advanced age. Many years ago, a co-worker told us about an experience he had in a gift store (something like Spencers). The manager tried to sell him a gas lamp designed to run on human gas. The lamp had a hose attached to it with the end resembling an enema tube for easy insertion. The manager claimed you could light up the whole room.... I used to be on a mailing list for a small book distributer specializing in vintage engineering and machinist book reprints. In the back of the catalog were misc. books, which included one called the "I Love to Fart Cookbook." The description included recipe titles such as "Turkey Talkback Stuffing" and "Neanderthal Bison Blaster." The recipes were graded on their ability to create flatulance. I always thought this book would make a great gift. If I can locate it, I'll pass along the book company address to you.

Duane.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: WyoWoman
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 12:55 AM

I grew up in a family in which belly button was considered crude language. Pharts were "tootsies," as in; "Did someone tootsie in here? Shouldn't you excuse yourself?" Butt was also a dirty word. You should hear me now.

When a boy from my high school ended up in the emergency room because a "flamer" followed its fuel source and burned him in the nether regions, I was simply dumbstruck. Who would ever do that? Who ever thought of it in the first place? Fire and that particular function are, like, a surrealistic teaming. Who lit the first one, and WHY? Of all the cool, weird things a human body can do ...

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 02:27 AM

Gee, Gargoyle, you mean your s**t don't stink? Can you walk on water, too? --seed

BTW, don't I remember you posting a really disgusting song a few months ago?

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 03:20 AM

Uh, thank you 'seed.......I'm with you. And regarding musical attributes, let's not forget Mason Williams' hit, "Classical Gas".......I mean, what was that about? And then there was the great LePetomaine who tootled tunes for a living. And for our poetic and refined brethren, I'm sure they are familiar with the 12 stanza limerick, "The Farter from Sparta."

There was a young man from Sparta,
A truly magnificent farter.
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart "God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata.

Or closer home here at the 'Cat, I may have heard this one from 'seed.......Did I 'seed?

Gargoyle was more proper than most.
His poots didn't stink he would boast.
No tunes came from his ass,
But if you ignited the gas,
The flames would light up the Ivory Coast.

Yes, this is all in the best of taste and quite musical too. Hey Helen, what do you think?

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Margo
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 03:25 AM

Duane, your cookbook sounds really interesting.........I but did you eat the book? How else would you "pass it along" ?

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Andrés Magré
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 04:23 AM

Since I live near Uruguay (Buenos Aires is in the other side of the wide De la Plata river), I can contribute with some results of our research. Fart of the problem resides on defartures of airplanes carrying fartly people and fartly cattle to attend fartistic events and many farties, butt to put things afart, we must consider the fart that many people living in small afartments in Buenos Aires (literally Good Airs) contribute so much, that a strong counter-current of gas (or counterfart) has grown across the river and fartially obscured the sun for weeks and alarmed the Fire Defartments of both coasts, and that's the problem.

Thanks to all farticipants for allowing me to publish my opinion. I already feel fart of a team ! (sorry for my English) - Best regards [e-mail] :))

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Banjer
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 07:17 AM

LEJ asks, "What has this got to do with folk music?" Well....Allow me to try to make some sense of this for him and others who may inclined to similar thoughts!

Since the beginning of time, man has needed and 'outlet' if you will for his musical talents. When Adam got tired of blowing on the blade of grass between the thumbs and took to eating the grass he found yet another expression for his musical urge. He found that by varying the type and amount of foilage he could 'tune' his newfound instrument. (Historical note: It was not the eating of the apple that actually got him and Eve thrown out of the garden. The odor that resulted from that diet change is what did it!)
Since that humble beginning folks all over have been trying to express their musical 'inner selves' and expand on the playing of the Butt Trumpet. I have heard of many attempted variations of tuning the instrument but the most bizzare was the story of the young lad eating a roll of pennies. When asked why he did that he explained he was trying to tune the Butt Trumpet to sound more like a penny whistle.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Duane D.
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 08:15 AM

and it's good for playing airs

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Peter T.
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 11:17 AM

Hi Andres! Glad to see you hard at work!
I should point out that Argentina has a lot of cattle too (it also has the largest number of psychoanalysts per capita in the world, at least Buenos Aires does, which may have something to do with hot air emissions).
yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 11:26 AM

Compliments of Banj---Allow me to send you to this Fartistic Website where you can use up a ton of bandwidth and waste a lot of time. Enjoy----I of course DID.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: gargoyle
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 04:51 PM

For the sake of redeeming this thread and bringing it back to a musical basis, I introduce to you:

The FARTER From SPARTA!

There was young fellow from Sparta,
A really magnificent farter,
On the strength of one bean
He'd fart God Save the Queen,
And Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

He could vary, with proper persuassion,
His fart to suit any occasion.
He could fart like a flute,
Like a lark, like a lute,
The highly fartistic Caucasian.

The sparkling young farter from Sparta,
His fart for no money would barter.
He could roar from his rear
Any scene from Shakespeare,
Or Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado.

He'd fart a gavotte for a starter,
And fizzle a fine serenata.
He could play on his arnus
The Coriolanus: Oof, boom, er-tum, tootle, yum tah-dah!

He was great in the Christmas Cantata,
He could double-stop fart the Toccata,
He'd boom from his ass
Bach's B-Minor Mass,
And in couterpoint, La Traviata.

Spurred on by a very high wager
With an envious German named Bager
He'd proceeded to fart
The complete oboe part
Of a Hayden Octet in B-major

His repertoire ranged from classics to jazz
He achieved new effects with bubbles of gas.
With a good dose of salts
He could whistle a waltz
Or swing it in razzamatazz.

His basso profundo with timbre so rare
He rendered quite often with poser to spare.
But his great work of art,
His fortissimo fart,
He saved for the Marche Militaire.

One day he was dared to perform
The William Tell Overture Storm,
But naught could deshearten
Our spirited Saprtan
For his fart was in wonderful form.

If went off in capital style,
And he farted it through with a smile,
Then, feeling quite jolly,
He tried the finale,
Blowing double-stopped farts all the while.

The slection was tough, I admit,
But it did not dismay him one bit,
Then, with ass thrown aloft
He suddenly coughed...
And collapsed in a shower of shit.

His bunghole was blown back to Sparta,
Where they buried the rest of our farter,
With a gravestone of turds
Inscribed with the worlds:
"To the Fine Art of Farting, a Martyr."

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 05:38 PM

Thank you for posting the entire limerick gargoyle...I only put up the first verse 'cause I'm a lazy gas bag. A true work of art...or that should be fart.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 06:09 PM

I can't speak for women. I know that if you allow young men to gather together for any substantial period of time the conversation will slide into the discussion of body parts and bodily functions. A little too much biology and high school chemistry and the group quickly realizes the potential for creating a flame from gas.

It is simply combining adolescence with the scientific method.

Of course, as the methane burns, it also lights up the sulphur based gases and therefore has the benefit of eliminiting much, if not all, of the smell. Quite a benefit when the males live in close quarters.

If young men don't learn this at home, they learn it at camp (Boy Scouts, YMCA, etc.) or at college (or prep school). Even with a three year hitch in Uncle Sam's Army I heard no tales of lit gas. Perhaps too many of us lived too close together.

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Jeri
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 07:16 PM

I once worked with a woman who did tell
A burnt match would cover the smell
I'd know when she farted
When the whole office started
To reek of the bowels of hell

Sorry - that's a true story. I just got stuck in limerick mode.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 07:33 PM

There was a young lady named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
They found her vagina in North Carolina
And bits of her tits in Dallas.

Aw geez, you're right Jeri........It's too easy to get in the limerick mode. I mean, well shitfire (and that is the subject)that last one is the wrong sex AND the wrong orifice! Lessee---Now here's one that's musical and has a different ignition source than the traditional match.

There was a young man named Glass,
Who had two nuts both made of brass.
When he rubbed them together,
They played "Stormy Weather,"
And lightnin' shot out of his ass!

catspaw

PS---You can, with only minimal mods, sing limericks to the tune of "Ashoken Farewell" and PO people by poking fun at a beautiful tune.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Jeri
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 07:51 PM

I can't get it to work to Ashoken Farewell.

Around here, we sing 'em to:
Aye, aye, aye, aye,
In China they do it for chili
Now here is another verse
that's worse than the other verse,
Waltz me around again, Willie.

And then you sing a verse, like:
There once was a woman named Bright
Who could f*** at the speed of light
She started one day in the usual way
And came on the previous night.
(That's the only dirty limerick I can ever remember.)

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Duane D.
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 08:29 PM

One of my favorite politically incorrect limericks:

A pansy who lived in Kartoum took a lesbian up to his room. They argued all night over who had the right to do what and with which and to whom.

Another one:

There once was a gaucho named Bruno who said, "Sex is one thing I do know." "Women are fine and sheep are divine, but the llama is numero uno."

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Duane D.
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 08:32 PM

That's odd, I wrote them as limericks, but they came out as text.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Allan S,
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 08:39 PM

My God I dont believe this. But as Utah Philips said "Good Tho" Among all this research there was referance to "Le Petomaine" It is my understanding that there was a person on the stage in France? who actually could Fart "God Save the Queen" Could anyone comment on this???

Dont forget Irish Bean Soup. One used exactly 239 beans. Because if you added one more it would be two Farty [groan]

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 09:46 PM

LePetomaine was a very big vaudeville/sideshow type attraction and could, it was said, "play" over 25 songs recognizably. That's why I mentioned him above. I had an article about him that I'll try to find for you.

Duane---the Khartoum limerick is one of my favorites. I like the ones that play with the words in a "liquid" manner. Such as:

There once was a man named Magruder,
Who met a nude and he wooed her.
But she thought it was crude
To be wooed in the nude
But Magruder was shrewd...and he screwed her.

Thread creep----like it matters!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Banjer
Date: 11 Jul 99 - 11:01 PM

To Allan S. just a slight correction in your text: You say to use 239 beans because one more would be two farty. After that you say (groan). Should that not be BRAAWWMMPPP?

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Big Mick
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 12:24 AM

Geez, politically correct fella that I am, I hate to sink to a discussion of bodily functions. Yet I cannot help but to offer this up for your digestion. Lads, is there anything that is more gratifying than walking into the bedroom after a long day, letting a 12 second 4 octave fart, watching the dog get up and leave in disgust, and then chuckling oneself to sleep?

Shamelessly purloined from a forwarded joke,

Mick

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 12:39 AM

Jeri, for the sake of clarity, perhaps we should identify the source tune: Ay, Ay, Ay, Ay, Celito Lindo...

That out of the way, here's a classic--from Count Palmiro Vicarion's book of dirty limericks:

My back aches, my penis is sore,
I really can't fuck* anymore,
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And by god**, it's a quarter to four.

--seed

*Or for those of you who prefer it this way: f**k

**I know, Gargoyle, how He spells His name. I saved the capital for you; I don't think He'd insist on having His name spelled according to traditional English mechanics appear in a dirty limerick.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 02:26 AM

Here's a gem from a book of dirty limericks compiled by someone named Count Palmiro Vicarion:

My back aches, my penis is sore,
I really can't fuck* anymore,
I'm covered with sweat,<
And you haven't come yet,
And by god** it's a quarter to four.

*For those of you who prefer it that way, f**k.

**I know, Gargoyle, how He spells His name--but I thought I'd save the capital for you (I don't think He will mind the use of the generic word in a dirty limerick).

Also, folks, this Pharting contest is in the digitrad:

bodacious blue clicky thang

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 02:34 AM

sorry for the triple posting: I opened the thread after the list came back up, clicked on Sort Descending, and it sent me back to the Sort Descending I had used before my first posting instead of reversing the order of the new list. When the same thing happened again and again, finally I tried scrolling to the end of the new list, and there I am three times. Take your best shot, Gargoyle.

--seed

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Mike Billo
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 10:01 AM

How is it that nobody has made mention of that great old British recording of "The Crepitation Contest" between the Australian Paul Boomer, and the defending champion, Lord Windesphere? Also, it has been rumored that the true identity of the creator of this classic was Harry Secombe in an unauthorized use of BBC equipment. Can anyone confirm this?

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 10:18 AM

Hey Mike----Help me out here. Is that the one where the farts are named as to type and scored? The "Fleep" I think was one and the dreaded "Thundersprecht" was another. I think too that there was an Americanized version of this called, in true American fashion, "The Farting Contest."

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Mike Billo
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 10:43 AM

Yup, that's the one. His Lordship takes an early lead with a series of triple flutter blasts, but an overconfidant Lord Windesphere finally loses in one of the great moments in sports history when the immortal line is shouted, "Ladies and Gentlemen, he's disqualified. He shit"! I'm unaware of an American version, but would love to hear it.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Murray on Saltspring
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 05:58 PM

There's a good little discussion of "Fartlore" in Mary & herbert Knapp, "One Potato, Two Potato" [Norton, 1976], pp. 211-216. -- e.g. "Some children call out, 'Light a match, quick!' when they smell a fart, believing the flame will purify the air." -- which as Roger in Baltimore suggests is the idea; I always thought though that it meant one should light the emission, as I'd seen this done as an amusement in a Royal Navy mess, where the idea caught on [I hasten to add that I, as a rigidly righteous Presbyterian, did not volunteer]-- and predictably one such ignition was sufficiently vehement as to burn off the anal hair. When I told Gershon Legman about his, he replied that yes, he'd heard of such things, and that the ladies at the court of Queen Anne used to amuse themselves like this. I don't know where he got that bit of esoteric trivia; maybe a Mudcat scholar can tell me.

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Art Thieme
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 11:03 PM

Hemingway is said to've told of a time in Spain when farting on the early Spring honder plants would definitely produce a better crop--especially if the farts were from having drunk absinthe. Yes, absinthe makes the fart grow honder.

Art

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 11:10 PM

Oh well just **** me..........That's worse than a beer and kraut fart!!!!

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Barbara
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 11:25 PM

Oh jeez Art, you really know how to kill a thread. who would dare follow a stinker like that?? (A: me.)
Nobody's mentioned Mark Twain's classic 1601, which is a discussion between Q Elizabeth and her court as to who cut the stunner. (Oh, nay, good mistress, quothe she, such a thunder gust as that surely would have rent my poor loins in twain). I have a recording of it read by Richard Dyer Bennett.
And from a comicbook by my friend, Lee Marrs, the history of Le Petomane:
Le Petomane, (J. Pujol, 1857-1945) the man with the musical derriere, the main attraction at the Moulin Rouge, Paris, from 1892 to 1914, "the only artist who pays no royalties.
As a littel boy Pujol learnd that water invaded his ass whenever he held his breath under water. It scared him to death. Later, in the army, he tood his good ole buddies of his experience, and they instantly demanded a recurrence, and threw him off the nearest pier.
He discovered he could take in great quantities of water through his anus and amuse his friends with a ... waterspout (the illustration shows him standing on a chair and blasting someone in the face).
Practicing with air instead, he could modulate the sound in volume and tone, and create a vast range of sound effects including booms, tweets, squeeks, hums, and plucking noises.
Pujol abandoned his career as a baker and some time music hall singer to become the foremost fin-de-siecle artiste -- Le Petomane! Outdrawing the divine Sarah, he climaxed his act with the audience singing along to his ass.
Over the years, Le Petomane, expanded his feats, smoking cigars with his nether regions, playing horns and blowing out candles.
Pujol toured Europe, Algiers and Egypt, but the highpoint of his success came during one of "private showings" where he performed for the King of Belgium.
Unfortunately, Pujol had financial and censorship problems in 1914, and never regained earlier his success. He went back to the bakery in Toulon where he died in 1945, to live on in history as -- the greatest farter of all! (Illustration shows attractive woman saying to baker, "Do I hear Melancholy Baby?"}

Oh, and guys, all you experts, I have a question of timing. Do you light the match before or after??

Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: catspaw49
Date: 12 Jul 99 - 11:42 PM

Before Barb, but you must be careful not to set your pants on fire while waiting.

Thanks for the LePetomaine post, I can't find my article anywhere.....egads, what a loss.

catspaw

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: Fadac
Date: 13 Jul 99 - 10:38 AM

I do remember this story.

It seems that this young lady goes to the Doctor.

"Doctor, I have this problem, I uh, fart...a lot. There is no noise, or smell, but, like, I'm farting all the time. Can you help me? This has been going on for some time."

"Hmmmmmm (Dr. talk for 'Your Sh*ting me.) Here, take these pills and see me tommrow."

She leaves, and comes back the very next day. Now for some reason this young lady is real upset. She is stomping her foot, kicking the walls and grinding her teath, like she's pissed.

"Doctor, What did you do to me. My farts are now thundreus, explosive, they echo from the walls of buildings down the street! All the hair on my cat fell out after one fart last night."

"Ok, looks like we got your hearing working, now let's work on your nose." Offered the good Doctor.

Happy Tuesday, -Fadac

Subject: RE: Flammable Flatulence (Phartin' Phenomena)
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 13 Jul 99 - 10:44 AM

Barbara, was that a purely academic question, or are you going to put it to a test--maybe this weekend? --seed