A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:43 PM

May I join as well? 4:15 would work for me...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:40 PM

Could we make it 4:15? I just had a cancellation for tonight that I had to reschedule for Sunday at 3:00 -   just in case the session runs a little over?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:13 PM

So...maybe I should start a thread, set a time and get us all humming in unison?

How about Sunday at 4PM Mudcat time? That's 9PM UK and 1PM west coast.
What do you think?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:09 PM

I am in, if I am able.

I just spoke to my new doc's nurse. What a nice person and what a nice change from the fortress my old doc has built up around himself.

She is going to give my new doc the notes she just made of what I told her re' zoloft and the increased dose. She will have her call me this afternoon so we can talk about it and perhaps change meds. I'm not happy about doing that because of my sensitivity to drugs and I hate trying out new ones, but I am not sure zoloft is right for me, as some of you have noted.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 10:23 AM

Count me in also. Early in the morning or rather late at night would work best for me. Or a Sunday, anytime.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 08:28 AM

I'm in - just give me a time.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 08:22 AM

We really do need to set a day and time and convene a circle of Mudcat women to work together on mutual support and strength. Who's in? How do we set a time? Just 15 minutes of being together.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: LilyFestre
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 02:06 AM

(((((((((((((kat)))))))))))))))

Check your PM.


:) Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 01:51 AM

love & hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: RoyH (Burl)
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 04:24 PM

Hello Kat.Greetings, good wishes, prayers and virtual hugs from over the sea. Think clouds, think silver linings. Burl.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 04:16 PM

Dearest Kat, you have been so supportive to me and to so many others here. I'm grateful that you reach out when you need a little back. Here am I, joining the bunch who are stopping in to offer a hug, a smile, a story, a song- me, I'm not good for much except a little company today. Love you, my dear!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:57 PM

Thanks, Janie, for everything.

(cross-posted:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:37 PM

Will, how lovely, esp. that smile at the end! Thank you so much! Considering what I've been through in my life, I do feel lucky, most of the time, but I need to gather some more, so yours is certainly welcome!

Oh, Spawdarlin'...that's what I do with Rog. Have him hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. And, I know what you mean about this place, recently. I figure the new therapist might give homework of staying off Mudcat for a day or two to see if I can!:-)

Rog will be at the cardio's with me and will remember all of things I don't.

maeve, Dear One, thank you so much, from amidst your own tragedy, you turn and give to a friend. Amazing woman, you are.

VTam, thanks for the info, but there is no anaemia now. I took care of it, partly by taking Folic Acid. It works much faster and better and is safer than iron tabs which I do not take.

Rog came home for lunch so I feel a little less isolated and lonely. A little better. Still haven't call my little guy and I feel badly about that. I feel a bunch of responsibility to have him over as often and as long as possible because I don't like some of the influences at home. (Another thing to talk with the therapist about because I know I can't change it.) Too much video games, esp. World Warcraft and too much tv and movies. Last night he and his "dad" watched Behind Enemy Lines...NOT something I think a 6 year old should see! My daughter knows better...she was at work, but knows what they watched. Bah! I've gone on too long. I'll do the meds until I see the new therapist and get started on really tackling this stuff.

Thanks, again, my dear friends, for listening.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:35 PM

Eyup. There is very little that is not helped at least a little bit by a good, deep breath:)

(Wonderful stories, Don.)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Will Fly
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:47 PM

Kat - I've been looking over this thread and then thinking about how lucky I am: retired in comfort, a wonderful wife of 43 years, a marvellous son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, good (mainly) health, musical appetite (however you rate it) undimmed, creativity (however you rate it) also undimmed.

Life has been good, and I can't complain. So, I'm going to take some of this luck and pass it to you, dear Kat. You've been very complimentary about my YouTube stuff on several occasions, so I've done a little dedication to you on this tune. (Check the "more info" link...).

Keep those spirits up!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:25 PM

I am still here with you, Kat darlin. I rather like Donuel's, parables. I think they are lovely.

TSO's mum was having issues with anemia along with a hiatus hernia. She did not experience the hernia as heartburn, but as an annoying niggling cough. Doc ordered endoscopy and barium xray. Doc was about to order colonscopy because she feared lower gastrointestinal bleed - the upper GI tract did not show any bleed.

The Mum in law did not want the colonscopy and kicked the hernia and the anemia by laying off the coffee, caffeine tea, red wine and all sugar for a while. She also swallowed chopped up clove raw garlic everyday with a glass of water. She is 82 and her doc was amazed that hernia eased and anemia went away. She did not take any iron tablets. Feels much better, though she misses her Earl Grey.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:23 PM

MAy not be the drug you need kat.   But I gotta' tell you that hangin' around here can be a bit depressing lately with at least a half dozen 'Catters going through "something."   Add to that your upcoming visits.............Yeah......You know you're not alone in that particular "panic."   I have several upcomings in the next couple of weeks with cardio, pulmonary, urology, and my new family Doc with CAT scans, x-rays, bloodwork, etc...........and I am becoming a wreck myself. Taxes are upcoming, we need some costly repairs around the house...............I hold onto Karen and have her tell me we'll get through it all because we always have and it helps a little.

Tough times........Take whatever feels good and ride the hell out of it.


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:11 PM

I'm in your corner too, kat. Breathe, smile, know you are loved.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:08 PM

Naw, Sins, Donuel has the right thread...I think he's entertaining me and trying to talk me into breathing. Sure did put a big smile on my face. Thanks, Donuel!

Thanks, Sins and Jacqui,too. The anaemia is no longer a problem, nothing seems to be except still using the O2 during the day and that, I think, is mostly because I forget to breath deeply enough and need to lose about ten pounds more to be where I was when I got sick and didn't have to use it during the day.

It was the bully doc whom I got rid of who was really causing the fear. The cardio just kind of stepped in it without thinking, i think. I feel nervous about seeing him because of what went on, then. He never called me back to get the echo, so I know he doesn't think I am in dire straits...it's just some ptsd, imo, that is coming up from last summer. Yes, I think it is cathartic to write about it. I am most gratefull to you, my friends, for listening.

I do wonder if zoloft can make a person feel more depressed than not, when the levels are raised. I'll call the pharmacist and ask him; he is a very knowledgable guy and will get me an answer faster than my doc. Right now all i feel like doing is eating lunch and taking a nap. Morgan hasn't called to come over and I know I should call him...he wouldn't enjoy it much anyway, right now.

Thanks, again,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:52 PM

The next time Donnie saw the little Irish man, he showed him how to fall from great heights, "All ya do is float the last 10 feet",(You wouldn't believe it but we were using umbrellas!) and from then on Don loved heights best.

Now fixing a stitch may never be your favorite challenge, but av ya tried? Try it to the tune You've got to pick up every stitch.
From then on instead of kerplunkitty plunk kerplunkitty plunk, it went buda buda buda buda buda buda forever after.

All the best.
Don

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:39 PM

Hey Kat - you are always there for others in need, of course we are here for you melove.

Just know - this too shall pass. Getting to talk about the cardio may have been therapeutic. Keep talking and we will keep listening.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:35 PM

Hopefully, Donuel is in the wrong thread...


Sounds like he was trying to rule out something that was no longer a problem. If you know what causes the anemia, can you chart it, kat,and prove your point.

I used to have to fight with my doctor about blood transfusions. For a week after the onset of my period (which lasted 21 days) I was severely anemic. Big surprise. AIDS was being found in the blood supply and I was too anemic to put aside blodd for myself. But I knew what the cause was.

They don't listen. And they do want to avoid lawsuits.

Sounds like you are dreading the meeting with your cardiologist. Maybe, writing down everything you want to say and answers to everything you expect him to ask/say will help relieve some of the stress. Can Roger sit in on the meeting? An ally?

M

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:04 PM

Donnie couldn't go in the deep end of the pool because he still hasn't learned how to float or swim properly in the shallow end yet.
The other kids seemed to effortlessly move from one lesson to the next. He worried that he might be the only one limited to the shallow end.

The YMCA pool must have had half wits tend the pool since the smell of chlorine was stinging and children's eyes were ruby red as they emerged from the pool. Donnie thought, I can't do this anymore. Besides I really hate that they don't let us wear any swimming trunks. Then he just stared down at a rubber coated brick sitting on the bottom of the deep end. The blue brick wiggled, darted and flowed, but the mind knew it was motionless fourteen feet down on the bottom.

The ladder and holding the edge gave a bit of confidence but in a second Donnie could feel the terror of slipping or falling even if a rung of the ladder was just inches away.

On the ride home he looked back at the stark brick building and the vertical red neon sign YMCA but the M and C were dark probably from burned out bulbs. The sky was all pinks and purples when he got home.
"what's for dinner Mom?" Liver and onions, I bet you're really hungry after your swimming lessons, she said. Oh my, your eyes are so red.

When Dad got home Donnie still wasn't hungry, he skidded through some homework watched some TV and went to bed. In the bedroom that was added above the garage, he would stare at the knotty pine eyes saring at him from every imaginable direction. Down the hall he heard the tippytaptaptap of Dads IBM selectric tywritter. Kvetch the Siamese cat walked in and said Mow. She jumped up on the bed and Donnie said, I bet you hate swimming too. With the cat under the covers in a tent between his knees Donnie faded off to sleep.

Staring down at the blue brick, waving back and forth wiggling and waving I want to jump in and pick up the brick and walk around on the bottom of the pool like I've seen other kids do. "why don't you do it?" asked a small Irish man. Because I can't swim. "Why not?" Because I know I'll drown.

"Hmmm, 'av ya tried to breathe the water?" No I can't breathe water thats how you drown. "Aye but av ya even tried?" No of course not, what do you mean? "I mean when you get down there by that ladder over there, grab the brick and try breathen." I can do the ladder alright but. "OK lets see." All right all right, see I can hold on to the ladder just fine. "That's perfect, now can ya put your head underwater?" Sure see?

"Now go down an grab that brick and if ya run outta air jus breathe the water" Thats crazy but I bet I could touch the brick before I ran out of air. "That's great try it!" Underwater the sounds are funny and far away, but like a dart I zoom to the brick. My ears are starting to hurt and my lungs are feeling desperate, yet up close I can hear him say "Breathe laddy breathe". I take a bit of a breathe and astonishingly I can breathe. I can breathe.

There we are both of us sitting on the bottom with the blue brick breathin away. "See I told ya, whenever ya really need to breathe you can do it." This is so great.

Cat whiskers on my nose wakes me up. The clock says 7 AM. I listen for the bus but I can't hear it, so though I'm late, I have a chance to catch the bus.

From that day on Donnie could swim just fine. The deep end was the most fun. But he's still the worst diver ya ever will see. Jump, splat, more often than not.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 12:20 PM

Thanks, Sins. Took me so long to reply, I missed you!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 12:19 PM

Thanks, SRS. Just this Monday, we got the meds up to 100mg. It was 50mg from the middle of Dec., then 75mg, last week, now the 100. If anything it feels more depressing than not. They keep telling me it takes time, 30 days at least, for it to kick in and I know it did kick in, somewhat, earlier, because I had been a lot better and still am to some extent.

I've been sleeping a lot more during the daytime, I think from the meds, but also lack of motivation and lack of nighttime sleep. I cannot bring myself to do much of anything save the essentials. I haven't been sleeping well at night as I am up and down to the porcelain throne too often. (How does one regulate movement of solids with the daytime?!Arrgghhh!)

I haven't been out of the house except with Rog, not because of fear but because of meds and also nowhere specific to go which doesn't seem like more trouble than it is worth with dragging the O2 around and all.

There are some bright moments, like yesterday with Morgan, but that's the first time I've been able to have him all week due to my feeling badly.

I will be going to a new therapist early in Feb. so I am hanging on until then. The goal is to get me off the xanax and give the zoloft a chance to take effect, but I've been told he likes alternative, non-med approaches, too, so we'll see what he says. I am on the cancellation list and I hope i can see him before the 28th as that is my yearly with the cardio and it makes me nervous because of last summer.

When I was anaemic, I knew why and the bully doctor wouldn't leave me alone even though my levels went up as I'd said they would. That went on for a couple or more months. When he couldn't come up with any other explanation for that and some water retention he sent me to the cardio who is a nice guy. BUT, I was so scared, bullied, tired, etc. when the cardio told me he wanted me to get an echo to see if there were any "loose stitches" around my artificial valve, I lost it. Told him he was scaring me, he said he didn't mean to, then when I said I hoped they'd use the da vinci robotics to repair it, if so, he said probably not, they'd probably have to open my chest. Then he had his staff schedule an echo.

Talk about full out panic and feeling beat down! The more Rog, who was there with me, and I thought about it, the more we figured if the doc was truly worried about loose stitches he would not have let me go home. After another week or two of worry, I cancelled the echo. All of the summer xrays, ekgs, and other tests showed my heart and lungs were doing well, so I have not been worried at all, but now, knowing I have to see him, I feel very nervous. I keep reminding myself that all has been well and is well, but seeing the therapist would be helpful.

Boy! I haven't written about the cardio before, that I remember. I think I needed to. Thanks for listening.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:59 AM

Just need to know we're here Miss Kitty? Or something more specific? You mentioned Morgan's visit - it cheered you up but I bet he wears you out too.

You have come such a long way. Maybe this is a plateau?
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:30 AM

How are you doing, Kat? You're right--we have generated a few cracks for folks to drop through while we follow the cancer threads. Have your medications reached their intended levels, or are you needing to adjust them?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:23 AM

Having a bit of a time and would really appreciate a bit of help. I know we've been full out with others who have been in much more need, but it seems things are taking their time with me.

Thanks a bunch!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Dec 09 - 02:09 AM

I used to know a bloke who always greeted his friends very enthusiastically with 'you're looking good, dunno what you're doing but keep doing it!'

keep getting better

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Nov 09 - 10:15 PM

I've been posting on my blog, rather than here and then there. There is a little bit in the decluttering thread, too. It seems the zoloft is starting to kick in. I was able to do a lot this weekend past and have made it three days without a panic/anxiety attack. I only called Rog at work once, today, for which I am sure he is grateful. He even came home early without my begging him to!

Anyway, my friends, thank you...your help is so important and appreciated. I am better.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 09:26 AM

Black humor observation--

To be well enough to "cancel hospice" instead of being IN it-- now there's a trick to be happy about! :~)

Re: ALL the fears. Well, yer alive-- just look at all you've overcome. You must be a powerful womon.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 01:07 AM

can't drive, can walk short distances? Any nearby parks or other places to sit for a short while & look at different scenery?

more hugs to you both

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 11:52 PM

Thanks so much, gals. Great dreams will come to me, I know they will. Trying to be patient with new med...stopped the lexapro and am now on zoloft which has worked before. Still side effects, no matter what. Working on getting myself out of the house more doesn't work well when I can't drive from being medicated. (I have cancelled hospice for Monday.) They say it should pass. I really need to help Rog figure out how we can afford for him to retire; his job is really over the top with stress. (Just thinking out loud here.) Thanks for listening.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 08:30 PM

The air is filled with thanks-giving, Kat; also with rain. Both have their places.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 26 Nov 09 - 10:51 PM

Goodnight, Kat. Breathing slowly, relax into the rhythm. Come morning light you'll feel refreshed.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 11:25 PM

Wishing you deep and dreamless sleep (or sweet dreams - take your pick!) tonight and a day full of blessings and thanksgiving tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 11:11 AM

Kat, while you are sorting out the medical/counselor details (marshaling those resources), please also remember:

Your own mind and spirit are the most powerful forces you can marshal toward a positive direction. Access to the positive is always, ALWAYS available to you via thoughts of Morgan.

So please be sure to leave yourself space in all this for regular contemplation/gratitude re: the best Morgan-times.

GO, WOMON.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Be OUT.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 07:45 AM

Oh, good!

Still thinking of you every single day!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 03:35 AM

yah! finding a good doctor can be difficult - I've had 3 good doctors over the past 30 years & a few who were ok or mediocre or not good.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Nov 09 - 05:15 PM

Thanks, Dan.:-)

Good news! Just got set up with appts. for both of us with the new doctor! We do not have enough docs available here. This is a new clinic opened by the hospital to alleviate some of that. There were 150 people ahead of us on the list, so, I am thankful we were able to get on her list. I've heard she is very compassionate and takes her time with each patient. My kind of doc! What a relief!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 21 Nov 09 - 09:06 AM

Lots of hugs from this old dude Kat
you know I love you

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 09:34 AM

Janie, Katlaughing, my first post in this thread was about combining CBT and the (all-secular) RC with great spiritual disciplines already in place. RC is a way of laughing and shaking off old, recorded fears so that a more accurate approach can come more easily to mind; CBT is (as we know) a route to finding where the laughs are, as well as an effective set of tools for trying and overcoming "scary" situations. I have found both CBT and RC essential in redrawing and re-stating boundaries that are not about what the other person is "allowed" to do but about how I respond to whatever they may do.

A nice thing about CBT is that its practitioners encourage self-directed use on one's own. Certainly a therapist skilled in it is a help to getting it going-- but it is not therapy-dependent.

Upward and forward!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 11:11 PM

It certainly is a barrier to action in my experience, at least. The little bit I read on Parkour reminds me of what my sister told me about an Outward Bound for adults that she did. A lot of self-reliance, ingenuity, and confidence were needed/enabled. She's always had those, but it gave her an opportunity to prove to herself she still had the abilities, plus it involved several days of her being on her own, foraging etc. and getting across a river via hanging from a rope. She's always been my shero.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:21 PM

My son just invited me to watch a brief video from the Washington Post - a short peice on a fellow who teaches Parkour in the DC area. The man was talking about what he and others get out of Parkour, and one major thing is the opportunity to deal with fears. He made a great statement which I can only paraphrase, about fear. He was saying in the context that one positive thing about Parkour is it gives you the opportunity to deal with your fear.

Again, this is a paraphase, not a direct quote Fear is natural, and is actually a good thing because it keeps you from taking stupid risks. But panic is a bad reaction to fear. It shuts the brain down and renders you ineffective.

That is a spot-on way to characterize panic that I had never thought of before - an ineffective reaction to fear.

I'm gonna pass that on to my DBT group on Monday.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 04:11 PM

That remembered brother is still in there, kat. Perhaps that's why the other sides of him are painful for you to see and deal with.

Boundaries are healthy.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:40 PM

LOL...yeah, but then there were all those years when he seemed like the best big brother in the world...too sad, sometimes!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:38 PM

The Mother's Sister - a working title. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:28 PM

Oh, there's a chance he's all kinds of things..too smart, mostly. He's been in and out of therapy most of his adult life (he's 72) and hoodwinked all but one who just kept turning it back on HIS shoulders...he finally did learn that he is responsible, but he begrudges a LOT, no, MOST of what he has to do in life to get by. I gave up trying to change him years ago, but I still have to reset boundaries almost every time we talk. My sis just called to say she spoke with him last night and he's back to what is normal for him which means not too aggravating, trying to be positive. If he'd gotten B Positive type blood like me, I'll bet his life woulda been different!**bg**

After seeing Amadeus, I could really relate to Mozart's dad and sister..at the time I was managing/promoting/producing his classical music with no money and performing with him at nothing like his level of expertise and only a few times, but that also entailed turning pages, etc. There's more but it would fill a book...maybe that should have been my novel this year!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 02:14 PM

Poor Kat

I went through period of thinking I was supposed to "fix" dysfunctional parents and siblings. I had to back off for self-preservation, but it came with gnawing guilt. "Was I being selfish?" I finally came to terms with it. Yes I was and it was about damned time. Nobody else was going to do it for me.

Pity your bro is wasting his life with such negativity. This is sometimes seen in people with great talent. Is there a chance he is bipolar? Sounds like a fair few of my family members.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:26 AM

Looks like forward momentum continues!