A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010

Subject: BS: A request from Kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 04:52 PM

Some of you have known I've been a bit under the weather ever since contracting pneumonia last April. I thank you for your discretion. I had a delightful doctor's visit, today, with the woman doc who does OMT, osteo-manipulation-therapy and also some spiritual counseling/work...hands on kind of stuff. I was asking about coping with a lot of anxiety I've been having lately. (My mind has been latching onto every little thing, going off on tangents.)

There are many reasons for this not least of which is my Rog having to work every weekend and a lot of late nights this past month as they moved the television station where he is chief engineer. This coming weekend is the first he will have had off in over a month. THAT has completely messed up our home routines and I have felt very alone. As a consequence errands have piled up as has housework, etc. We do have clean clothes and food, at least.:-)

But, other factors have had their impact, too, losing our soul mate friend in April, Sandy and his grandson, and now Barry, as well as various Mudcatters being in hospital, two of whom I am very close to, and having some major complications with side effects of the pneumonia and the meds they prescribed for it.Also, feeling as if I had to gird up for a fight every time I went in to see my regular doc. (That will be changing, soon.) Plus, certain family members have been projecting their own major anxieties which I feel I have picked up on.

In talking with the doc this morning, it came to me I have not asked my Mudcat friends for help as I thought there was just too much for us all to already cope with and I didn't want to add to the burden. I now realise this was rather stupid, so here I am, hat in hand, so to speak, asking you, please, for some good energy, calm, peacefullness, etc. The docs say my lungs and heart are fine. It's that old bugaboo panic/anxiety that needs to be gone.

Another good thing we determined...I want to be playing my dulcimer to help folks heal, so I am going to try going to a Peace Garden at a local hospital and just sit and play...I find nursing homes and hospice too sad for me, right now, but the garden is nurturing and any one who wants may wander in for a listen, i.e. it feels *safe* for me, too. (I've been really anxious about germs, lately!*bg*)

I've got to take baby steps, but it feels good to do so and it feels VERY good to come to my friends. Thank you, very much,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 04:58 PM

My darling, you have my love, positive thoughts, good vibes, healing energy, light and love and kitten cuddles to call on any time you want! I'm setting up the beams of energy to point westward from this moment on!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 04:59 PM

As always, my love, good thoughts from Maine.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: ClaireBear
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:03 PM

Oh, poor kittykat!

Sending you psychic bundles of catnip and golden bowls of cream -- and of course a soft-cushioned, sunny window seat to lie on as you purr yourself back to the best of health.

(Oh, and strong, healing thoughts, white light, and all the conventional goodies as well. Want my church to pray for you, too?)

Cheers,
Claire

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:03 PM

{{{{{{Kat}}}}}}}

way didn't ya say something before?

Poor little petal. Sit ye down, lean back, relax, deep cleansing breaths, imagine autumn leaved wood, deep blue sky, clean air and the only sound a gurgling stream with mossy smooth stones, water so clear you can little fish in the still places.

hugs again just because

~t~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:07 PM

Miss Kitty, you are always in my thoughts and prayers. Hammer away at that dulcimer and heal.
Much love,
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Hollowfox
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:09 PM

Kat m'darlin', remember that there are a whole bunch of us on the 'Cat who are well and sound. (And you've helped a bunch of us stay that way.) Loving juju and a $#@!-reduction candle for you, coming right up. And if you run across it, you might want to curl up and reread Blue Cat of Castle Town again. That helps me through the rough patches. Love, Mary

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: ranger1
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:20 PM

OK, sweetie. Lotsa love and white light coming your way. And a big cyberhug, too.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:22 PM

Ah Kat, Thank you for telling us and do remember the ehlp we wing your way doesn't come from us only through us --- there's plenty to share away.

Listening, loving, lightness,winging your way

tinker

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Neil D
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:29 PM

Sending back some of the positive energy and good thoughts that you sent to Neil and myself over the last year as we dealt with his cancer.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Amos
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:29 PM

IT helps sometimes to recall that copying the stresses emanated from others serves no good purpose, but merely invites multiplications of duress.


A

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:38 PM

T&Ps.... hang tough, darlin. Youse will be okay. The nerves thing can be the worst of it all and the hardest to overcome. Just try as best you can to be positive... that is all you can do, and know that it is.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Guy Wolff
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:43 PM

Oh Kat thanks for saying all this .. I have been so sad about our losses here at mudcat and your reaction is such a correct and honest thing <><< this really has me crying and I dont do that . Old New England go in the closet type . BArry just took this over the edge for me ... I love hearing what everyone is saying to you who has been such a large centerpiece of mudcat . / Tons of love from your old friend in Connecticut . All is well and as it must be .. Warm warm Hugs . Guy

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Gurney
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 05:59 PM

Can't bring myself to do the feminine supportive thing, Kat, but a bit of typical blokely advice: If you play your box at a Maternity Hospital, you will be surrounded by ladies who are AWASH with positive feelings.   Chris.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Amergin
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:06 PM

Katdarlin...my extremely OLD friend....you only need to ask...be thinking about you.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Allan C.
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:11 PM

Kat, I'm sure that you are on the right track with your desire to share your music. What could be more therapeutic than that?

Best wishes!

Allan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: MMario
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:33 PM

Not much I can add...Wrap yourself in your KatLaughin shawl and give yourself a good cyber hug from me...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Peace
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:46 PM

Kat,

Go play for people. In the process of lightening their burdens you'll lighten your own.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 06:51 PM

Guy has a good point, kat. We are all grieving for Barry and worrying about Tom.
Let's focus light and love on your beautiful soul (I don't know what else to call it). Be strong and healthy and happy.
Much more love,
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Genie
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 07:03 PM

Kat, I think the Bear has a good idea:
"Sending you psychic bundles of catnip and golden bowls of cream -- and of course a soft-cushioned, sunny window seat to lie on as you purr yourself back to the best of health.

(Oh, and strong, healing thoughts, white light, and all the conventional goodies as well. Want my church to pray for you, too?)"

And Peace is right, too.

My kitty and I send you love and warmth and healing purrs. Please do let us know what else we can do.   

Genie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Morticia
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 07:11 PM

You have been our central pillar of support for so long here, it is good for you to ask back,I think. Makes me feel the circle is more balanced and I, like so many others I am sure, am so glad of an opportunity to pay back just a little of what I owe.

All the spare everything I have, dear.

xxx

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Becca72
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 07:14 PM

Kat,
You were so very supportive during my family's horrible ordeal this past spring. The least I can do is return the favor! :-)

{{{{{Kat}}}}}

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: bfdk
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 07:16 PM

Good thoughts from Denmark, too.

Bente

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 07:35 PM

good wishes & lots of hugs from me, too

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Rowan
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 08:22 PM

And some more from the other New England.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 08:42 PM

Now look......Rog is about to see light at the end of the tunnel.....Tom's okay but has a long haul ahead......I've used up another life but I'm doing great again........The problem in making a lot of friends here is the potential for losing them and for me at least, the trade-off is pretty good. I miss them all but each enrichened my life.......and yours.

Now throw that dulcmer across your back, see if you can grab your ass with both hands, then take your fine self out there to the hospital and play for some folks........go on now......git with ya'.......

We'll all be here pulling for you.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 09:22 PM

The pictures, Spaw, the pictures...


What Spaw said, kat. Mostly. Except that part about grabbing.

Go with a light heart and a steady mind.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Azizi
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 10:01 PM

katlaughing, l wish you well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TA936_uwb0&feature=related
Desiderata

-Azizi

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maire-aine
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 10:12 PM

Dear Kat,

First, here's a big non-contagious, un-contaminated ((((hug)))) for you. Thank you for sharing with us. We're here to help any way we can. The more we talk about what's bothering us, the more we can take control of it. We also find that others are going thru the same thing, and we don't need to go it alone.

Maryanne

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Louie Roy
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 10:20 PM

Kat you over the years you have helped and encouraged many of us when we were down and out.there isn't enough words in the dicionary to thank you for all the help you have given me.Here are a few phrases that I remind mtself of ever day and maybe you can use some of them. Worry looks around--Sorry looks back--Faith looks up---Life is short---When need be break the rules---Forgive quickly---Kiss slowly but with passion---Love truly---Never take someone for granted---Hold every person close to your heart---Because some day you might wake up and find you've lost a diamond in the rough. All your friend here in Mudcat are pulling for you and our love and our prayers are with you 24/7. LUVYA Louie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Art Thieme
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 10:53 PM

Ah, Kat, even on the phone, directly linked this week past, I never picked up on the depth of your needs. (I can be dense often--and that's a certainty.)

You do know of the many problems Carol has had through all the years. She has to be the bravest person I know. Also, through the years, I've watched her struggle to calm herself, and then, go deep and do deep breath machinations with progressive muscle relaxation until, amazingly, in a few minutes, she is, hopefully, relaxed and a new person -- with real relative calm. ------- Do look for a CD to help you start with breathing exercises. It is real -- and it seems actually to help. And you can do them whenever you need to.

The scores of ECT treatments she has had have done wonders, we think, for the on-going drug-resistant depression -- but the anxiety is a tough old bird. Learn Leadbelly's good song---"Relax Your
Mind!" There was one clued-in dude who KNEW ABSOLUTELY that he, for his own good, had to be able to relax. After singing his way out of prison TWICE, I do suspect he decided to quit tempting fate!

Love to you and Rog,

Art

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Phil Cooper
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 11:10 PM

My best thoughts for you, Kat. I've found music always helps.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 11:40 PM

Ah, Sweetpea,

Breathe.

Be in the moment with awareness and without attachment or judgement.

And in that moment, sense all the light, love, mercy and good intentions winging your way from points known and unknown.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 21 Oct 09 - 11:48 PM

Gee Garg. Obsession with Kat kicking in again? By now some one as bright as you ought to have the insight to know that is an indication you are decompensating. If you are off your meds, get back on them. If on them, get them adjusted.

You owe it to yourself.

(And if Garg's post gets deleted, please delete this one also.)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 06:37 AM

Lots of good vibes coming to you from Suffolk, England, Kat.

Interestingly there was a piece in our local paper just yesterday about how one person dealt with anxiety and similar things. This particular writer had realised that they had responsibility for how they felt each day. OK, they may not have been able to do much about it at first, but over time they had developed a positive outlook which started with waking up and saying to themselves, "Oh goody, another day to enjoy!" rather than "Oh crikey, another long dreary day, how am I doing to get through this one as well."

Playing the dulcimer in the Peace Garden sounds ideal.

Best wishes,

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 07:50 AM

Kat, you know I wish you only the best.

And I believe that what is best for each of us does ultimately serve the highest good for all-- that there is no rational conflict between the greatest/highest good for one and the greatest/highest good for another. Interwoven, life is, and human beans in it.

And I bet you are thankfull that the anxiety is giving way not only to peace, but to confidence and strength.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 08:47 AM

I suppose I could spare a bit of that good ol' Idaho healing air. Breathe deep, deep...I've turned the valve full on.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bryn Pugh
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:14 AM

Oh, sweet girl, Friend and Sister :

All love and blessings from Erica and Bryn.

We have rattled the cage of the Great Mother and the AllFather, for you.

So Mote it be.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: My guru always said
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:35 AM

Sending positive thoughts, love & hugs fromc across the pond!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Deckman
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 09:54 AM

"Mina Raakastaan Sinua" to you, Kat ... Roope

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 11:58 AM

I can finally type through the tears. You are all such a wonderful, loving bunch of friends. I can feel your help and have done since last night...just couldn't post. I will answer each of you, later, but please know I am most thankfull and some better thanks to you all, even garg and his backhanded expression of concern. (Thanks, Janie for addressing him:-)

To give you an idea of where my head has been: when I read Spaw's comment about Rog seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, my immediate thought was "Where did I say my Rog was dying?!" THEN I reread it and went, "duh"..at work, at work...no relatives waiting in the Light, just a work job getting done! Phew!

Last night, my mind was on all of you instead of any doom and gloom. Thank yew! More personal responses later. For today, I have Morgan all day and he brought over his dulcimer, too. So, I am taking baby steps, each minute of the day. Thank goodness you are here, my friends.

I love you,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Severn
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 12:15 PM

Best thoughts coming from one who's never met you, but considers you one of his favorite Forum posters, possessing great wisdom and always dispensing vast amounts of friendship and support to those who have needed it, one of the most essestial people in an internet community full of such folk.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: LilyFestre
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 01:09 PM

Hey Kat,
   
      (((((((((((Lots of Love comin' atcha!!!))))))))))))))

I wish I could come sit in the peace garden and hear you play, it makes me smile just thinking about it!!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SharonA
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 01:24 PM

Kat: I don't want to come across as sounding mean or unsympathetic -- far from it -- but sometimes one has to just muster the determination to slog on through the sorts of issues you describe. Strangely enough, if one tries to act happy, it can be infectious, not only to others but to oneself as well.

Of course, effective medical care is essential, and it sounds like better times are on your horizon with regard to that. Establishing a regimen of stress-reducing activities (yoga, meditation, tai chi, or whatever you're into) and sticking to that regimen is enormously helpful too.

Don't forget to count your blessings! Among them: Rog has a job when so many have lost theirs; you made it through the pneumonia; you've got the basic housework covered; you've got friends to help with other house-ly duties and errands (don't be hesitant to ask 'em!); you still have the ability to make music! Of course you miss your loved ones who've passed on, but you'll continue to remember them fondly, and life is all about change and adaptation to change. Nobody said it would be easy, fair, etc.; just that it would be life.

I'm not convinced that hanging around the local hospital is a good idea for you if you're still dealing with the effects of pneumonia, especially with the H1N1 flu going around (not to mention the regular flu season starting up!). Hospitals are notorious for having surprisingly poor regimens for cleaning and disinfecting. Why hang out where all the illnesses are? There must be safer venues where you can find peace in performing -- your local library or community center, perhaps? A coffeehouse or bookstore?

Another idea is to find some volunteer work you could do without taxing yourself physically -- something that would take your mind off your situation and let you feel that you're making an immediate, positive impact to help others or to further a favorite cause. For instance, I'm the current President of a local folk song society and co-chair of a local songwriters' organization and so I have plenty of duties I'd be happy to delegate to some additional volunteers; maybe your local music organization has similar needs!

So there ya go -- my version of good energy. (My interpretation of "good thoughts" = hopefully-helpful suggestions!) Don't worry, be happy now! Oooooh, oo-oo-ooh oowah oooh de doo de doo de doo [the Bobby McFerrin tune]... :-)

Sharon Ayyyy

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Charley Noble
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 02:13 PM

Kat-

I do recall those days long past when I thought my circle of friends would orbit together forever. The loss of any one of them is stressful (as will be my loss to them (whenever!)). So I've learned to value every moment when they're there, and value the memories when they no longer walk this earth; my life would be so much less bright without those memories.

Here's a hug from me (((Kat)))!

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 02:38 PM

((((((((((((((((((katbeinghugged))))))))))))))))))))

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 02:49 PM

Kat - I've been so tied up with my own petty s**t that I havn't seen anything else. As you know I'll be on the road for the next couple of weeks moving but rest assured that you'll be in my thoughts often. Lots of hugs coming your way from wherever I am here in the South.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: mouldy
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 03:24 PM

Now then (as they say in Yorkshire when they are going to tell you something they think you need to know)...

You have bottled all this up for far too long, and opening out to us
all can only do good. Over the time I have been on this forum I have seen you holding up and embracing innumerable people, myself included, despite your own problems, and it's our turn to repay the love and care you have shown to us.

Don't you ever let yourself get this low again, my girl! You know where we are!

Andrea xxxxx

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Zany Mouse
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 04:29 PM

Oh Kat, I wish you had said something earlier, although I DO understand why you didn't.

I hope your music soothes and calms you and helps you heal.

Love and positive thoughts winging their way from Worksop.

Blessings
Rhiannon and Mick

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: GUEST,Ebbie, at the library
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 05:21 PM

Kat, my heart melts for you. I see you immersed in music and love and laughter. Be well.

{{{{hug}}}}

Eb

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bobert
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 06:22 PM

First of all {{{{BIG HUG}}}} from this ol' hillbilly...

Secondly, LACIBI!!! That's right... LACIBI...

Translation: "Life's a cinch, inch by inch"... But there is a seocond part to this little nugget of wisdom and that is, "Life is hard, yard by yard"...

Think this is purdy much what we all need to keep in our daily lives... We tend to look too hard at all the things we'd like to do, or have to do and that becomes cumbersome... It's only when we break down our goals into little bits and pieces of do-able stuff that coping with life becomes manageable... I have to remind myself several times a week about LACIBI...

Hope this helps, Kat, and know that you are not alone here... There is an entire community of folks here who can not only relate because they also have burdens but care deeply for one another...

Peace...

Bobert

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 11:05 PM

Kat,

When things are tough sometimes it means you have to look to smaller increments for moments that are purely pleasant and peaceful. When I move into a new place (as I've done many of times over the years) the first place I set up is in the kitchen, a place to heat water and brew a cup of tea, so I guess that means I have my own important tea ceremony of sorts. And I like serving tea to friends and family, it is a small nurturing gesture, whether for myself or others. I hope some similar personal ceremony comes to mind that you can use to focus and pamper yourself.

Do us a favor, if you can. If the leaves are turning or snow is falling on to tops of the hills or ridges, some beautiful seasonal place you like to visit, please take the time to go there and photograph it. If you post it so we can all take a look at it, I think you'll be providing an even richer conduit to your friends out here. It could be a favorite photo from before, but I think it might be more powerful to have a fresh photo of a beautiful place or subject.

I have a cup of tea brewing. . .

Maggie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 22 Oct 09 - 11:38 PM

I think Luke needs to join Gargoyle.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Anne Lister
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 04:25 AM

Sending lots of love and warm hugs from this corner of Wales. We're having a tricky year, too, but friends are what makes it possible to keep seeing the positive, wherever possible. I'd suggest printing off this thread to read - maybe a copy in the bathroom and another in the kitchen?
Hug, hug, hug, hug, hug ...

Anne

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 06:32 AM

Hugs 'n' positive thoughts coming across the pond from me, too katluv.

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: sing4peace
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 03:58 PM

Love and light and all things positive. From my house to yours.
Prrrrr Prrrrrr Prrrrr Prrrrrr Prrrrrr Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Joyce

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 05:55 PM

My apologies for not addressing each of you...your messages mean a lot to me and I would respond in kind, just don't have the focus, yet. I have made it, mostly, through another day, esp. another afternoon without too much "flight" going on. Did go out to a store just to get out and about. I will probably meet Rog at the grocery store in a little bit. SRS, I took the camera but didn't see anything. I tried to get one of some baby alpacas but they had them in the barn away from the road and photo ops, so...maybe this weekend. I am looking forward to a whole day with Rog tomorrow and Sunday.

I thought I was stronger about coming to MUdcat then I just saw two BS thread titles which really bothered me and conjured up horrible images, so I will have to continue to be careful.

I would say it does no good to have more reasons to be fearful piled on when one is feeling so anxious already...no matter how well meaning that kind of *tough* love might be.

Thanks to you all,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SharonA
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 07:01 PM

Wow, kat, if thread titles are sending you into a tizzy, then things are more serious than I thought. Time to ask your doc to change your medications to something that won't cause such a high level of anxiety. No, don't ask him -- tell him.

True confessions time: I find that cartoons for young children are relaxing for me when I'm on edge. The soft colors, simple songs and cute characters calm me, and the problems faced by the characters are simple and always solved by the happy ending of the show. If you have cable, try tuning in to the Nick Jr. channel. If not, borrow some videos/DVD's at your local library or buy 'em cheap at a thrift store.

Awwww, you've got baby alpacas nearby in your neighborhood? Lucky you!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: topical tom
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 07:12 PM

All best wishes to you, Kat. Please, listen to your friends here on Mudcat. We have you in our prayers and in our hearts. Rest assured, we all wish you the very best and please, stay with us!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: open mike
Date: 23 Oct 09 - 10:15 PM

here are some dulcimer tunes to get you goin

turkey in the straw
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugyUXC6L_c0

whiskey before breakfast
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=INu3UQ35yVk&feature=related

amazing grace
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v3Z63rYU0lI&feature=related

greensleeves
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4_D81tMLpFY&feature=related

farther along..on a bowed dulcimer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pWKGfn63in0&feature=related

and as sung by the peasall sisters...who were in O Brother...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sc6mcKUucaw&feature=related

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 05:30 AM

Heya Kat

maybe ya should hang out here for a bit.

Take a comphy chair and a picnic lunch with flask of your fav hot beverage.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 05:56 AM

Great list, open mike, thanks! VTam, looks nice!

Don't know why, but here I am, not a lick of sleep since my head hit the pillow at 1130p, so I gave up, for now at least. Excited about Rog and I having the weekend together, again and all that we will do. My mind keeps trying to go off on a tangent of doom and gloom so I've been busy reining it back in...I think I will have a good nap this morning when Rog is driving us around to our errands!

No tylenol, no albuterol,and no claritin for almost two weeks now and I am getting better sleep, when I get it. This is really the only very l-o-n-g night I've had since giving those up. I am convinced some of the anxiety is from PTSD over the past six months, esp. in dealing with an authoritarian doc with whom I feel I had to fight tooth and nail when he wanted to go off on tangents with a bunch of unnecessary tests when I knew what the problem was and had to prove it to him. When I think of that, I am determined to get a new doctor, but the anxiety then rears up and says...ugh...having to explain everything...get up to speed with a new doc...so much work and what if...then I yell "STOP" and redirect my mind. IF I can give myself some time and take each day then I don't feel so anxious. For those of you who may be very concerned, I have an appt. on Nov. 2nd to see a therapist recommended by the woman doc I go to for OMT. I trust her judgement implicitly, so am looking forward to the appt. Now I am getting sleepy, so maybe I am off to dream.:-) Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 05:57 AM

comfy not comphy chair... too much pain not enough pain killer last night.

brain not engaging this morning... time for a nap.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 08:27 AM

Kat, if you read all of this post I think you will see a lot of things that might appeal. So go with me here a moment, OK.

Therapy (I am not arguing with you) is a two-edged sword. MOST therapists are so wedded to their particular discipline that it can be hard to make use of it without treading hard on one's own core beliefs and valuable learned experience.

A discipline that I think offers great promise for high-functioning, highly-evolved people is CBT. CBT combines well-- really well-- with a peer counseling discipline I know well and trust through experience both from the counselor role and the client role.

CBT is particularly effective with anxiety loops. If one uses the CBT tools to reach the threshold of feelings which can then be dissolved (healed) via co-counseling tools (see www.rc.org), then one can harness the spiritual side of redeeming difficult areas (from whatever is one's particular spiritual discipline. (RC lacks the spirit side.)

In other words, these are three highly practical tools that can be used synergistically in a self-directed way (highlightng intentionality), and combined so that a multiplicity of goals are reachable in a surprisingly fast way and also in a seriously FUN way.

With all three tools, which can be used simultaneously and/or serially as desired, the focus can be kept on the positive.


So--

You might want to look into CBT (google it) and RC and see if they might be a good fit. Of course you already have the third tool in the set I'm describing. You're close on the RC-- but the postulates it's based upon are at the site I referenced above and there's a lot of personal power wrapped in there that you may not fully know about as yet.

If you have any questions I prefer phone or PM.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 12:37 PM

Susan reminds me of a couple of times when something was bothering me to the point that I couldn't get to sleep, that I was dwelling on the issue and lay sleepless in bed, going over the loop because I couldn't see an answer. When the answer finally did dawn on me I was able to sleep. (In one instance it was a simple post office box question, actually, but the friend who was supposed to check it told me she was locked out after I forwarded mail from it. I finally in the wee hours realized they must have closed it when I didn't put an end date on the forwarding. I ran a small business with that box and was afraid I'd lose mail if my friend didn't check it for me.)

I'm also thinking of how long it took me to take control of my finances. I'd set up an IRA in the main brokerage in our very small town, and it seemed to languish for years. And then, again after the move, and after a divorce, about 10 years ago, I took control. I set up a new account with Vanguard and wrote a letter with the online form I'd printed from Vanguard, and waited. And pretty soon the paper work came saying I had a new account and the old Dean Witter account was closed. And my money began to grow quickly, no longer burdened by the fees and charges and nonsense of the original brokerage. I felt so good, so in charge, finally.

Kat, if you're just thinking about changing doctors, then give yourself permission and just do it. Plan to take the time to fill out the forms (and speak up for some kind of medical records reforms soon so we don't have to go through all of the paperwork shit every time we see a new doctor). You'll feel so good about making the change, getting away from that doctor you don't like. You'll be able to sleep again. It will make you a lot happier instantly, to have that weight off your mind. You don't need our permission, but I hope our encouragement helps you make that big step.

Finally, my thought about the picture wasn't to make more work for you in looking for a place of beauty; it can be very small or even a gorgeous flower in your yard. I wanted to give us a focal point of beauty through your eyes. That photo a couple of posts up is gorgeous, but it's taken by someone else. I'd like to look at your photo and know that you took time to visit this beautiful place or object, to breathe deep, and to just enjoy the moment. We should all do this, actually. I'll go look for a pretty spot today. Our creek out back is quite full after all of the rain, and there is some pretty color over on the far bank near the bridge. I wonder if there is a good reflection?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 01:37 PM

And SRS reminds me of a sleep issue I had a HELL of a time sorting out. I sorted out the worry side. I sorted out the not-enough-exercise side. I sorted out the too-warm side. I sorted out the pre-per-post- menopause side. I sorted out the caffeine side. I sorted out the full-spectrum lighting side. ALl these were good for me, but there was still a sleep issue....

I had forgotten to honor my body's demand for calories. After an hour of trying to go back to sleep I'd realize I was hungry. But with a timely, tiny health-snack-- I dropped right back off.

Not dysfunctional, stay-fat calories. Calories I'd rushed past in the busy day, that left me short on the new, higher activity level.

Hardi was having the same trouble, from a different metabolic starting point.

For both of us the solution was mini-meals (I've written about them before). We divided the small, planned dinners in half. Half at dinner, half at bedtime. Weight loss AND sleep occurred.

NOW the only sleep issue is a spiritual one-- something will be tugging at me to grow/learn/stretch. Not a worry. An invitation to explore something without distraction. So the other sleep aid is an MP3 player left waiting by the spare bed, where I can curl up for my latest spirituality book, and drop off or not, as the spirit moves me. Very productive time, that. I understand human beans left to their own devices often DO divide up their sleep, just like we now divide up our calories-- wisdom time, magic time. In dark or dimmed lighting, like a smoldering Native campfire in the teepee in he long, dark winter.

But this can leave me dangerously short on sleep-- I still have to live in the normal world and at least attempt to shadow Hardi's insanely non-predictable ministry schedule-- SOMEbuddy has to feed him when he forgets to eat, and he's T2 diabetic now on top of it.

So to make full use of that wisdom time, I also had to solve a vision issue. Turns out a good portion of my mentally-scattered thing, post-stroke, has had to do with a wandering eye that uses far more brainpower than normal vision does. Fixed that best I can-- it's not an exact science-- and now I can do fine for a night or two of short sleep before catching up. Used to were, a short night left me absolutely nuts. Pretending to have a working brain. Very dangerous way to operate!!! :~)

Better to "fix" than to "cope." :~)

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 02:07 PM

Kat dear, as I write this it's early evening, I'm looking out at a large beautiful crescent moon rising over the trees on the back field, and thinking of you, sending hugs and healing harp music from Ireland. I'm going to aim them at the moon and then bounce them down to you.

It's a waxing moon, growing fuller and brighter with every passing day. And so will you.


B   xxxxx

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 04:14 PM

Thanks, Bonnie...sounds very lovely and peacefull.

SRS, I didn't feel any pressure...just didn't see anything which struck my fancy except the magpies and I didn't have my camera then. I'll keep an eye out on tomorrow's ride. I did post some past fav. in the old cemeteries thread.

I don't want to get into trying to answer each person in a post or two as I will miss someone. I am reading and appreciate what folks are suggesting though I may not always agree. I am most grateful for the expressions of care, support, love. I have a lot of good tools, already and key folks with whom I already communicate; this time I think they could use a respite or additional backup so to speak...thus here I am and thus the therapist for a few trips.

So far, today, I am feeling more at ease, I suppose because Rog is here and we did get some errands done this morning. I will be glad of a good night's sleep tonight. Part of last night's problem was dehydration...still having some effect today, but getting better.

I was going to post the long, dreary story of all that has gone on, but I don't think I want all of that "out" there. It's enough to say every week from the first of April to end of Sept. was the doc wanting more blood tests, wanting many more invasive tests, etc. with me saying no wait, let's see, I know what this is...we've been here before, to him warning me with all kinds of dire predictions, his nurse calling to say he really wanted me to reconsider because WHAT IF...they gave no credit for what a person can really know about their own body...no pollyanna shite in sight, based on past medical records of past 5 years. (Looks as though I am going to blither anyway:-)

On top of all of that, when I said no to all of the extreme tests he wanted to get done, he sent me to the cardio to make sure THAT wasn't causing the "problem." The cardio scared the hell out of me muttering something about loose stitches AND open heart surgery to fix any they might find! AFTER all of that, my regular doc's in-house tests show the heart and lungs doing fine and well and I proved I know my body, but they put me in a horrible tailspin and I became fearful and dependent thinking I had to look to them for every little thing which bugged my body...they undermined my confidence and I am just now starting to get it back. To be fair to the doc, I did confront him at one point and he apologised, but it's the authoritative way of him that I will not deal with any more.

The other thing which really pushed me over the top in the past two weeks was a friend with whom I have counselled before...she is not as skilled in non-threatening, non-accusatory language as I am, but she is brilliant and comes up with good and helpful stuff, usually. Not so recently. She went off on how much she hates allopathic medicine and how it had made me a hypochondriac, though she agreed it had only been in the past few months that she heard me talking so much about my health and the docs, and a bunch of other crap. I felt as though I'd been sucker-punched and it took me a week to get her out of my head. She sent an email apology, but again had to just "reiterate" what she meant, as if I did not get it! Okay, that's enough. Thanks for listening. And, thanks for your support...better, but still fragile.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 05:09 PM

With that kind of friend, as they say, one doesn't need enemies. :-(

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 05:45 PM

Kat, I think it's safe to say that those of us posting here trust you to take the best and leave the rest. You will know what you need.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 07:53 PM

Fragilé.... that's Italian...

Line from an old movie. If you saw it, you would appreciate that. If not, you wouldn't.

Don't mind me. If you did, you wouldn't.

I have no words of wisdom at add. Just wanted to say I am still hear...ing you.

Take care.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Rowan
Date: 24 Oct 09 - 10:14 PM

There was a time, when I teaching and stressing a bit with my inability to solve global problems, when I found it very useful to go home for lunch (ie, take myself away from the location where the problems were ever-present) and sit in the sun, on a stump in the front garden (it was planted with lots of Oz natives and had leaf-litter mulch instead of a lawn), and watch the ants going about their business. A bit like Stilly's and Bonnie's images, if not as beautiful

It cleared the mind, allowing me to relax. It might be something to add to your armoury of techniques.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Gweltas
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 12:55 AM

Here is a ((((((((((((((GREAT BIG ELECTRONIC HUG)))))))))))))) from Cornwall, UK....... all you gotta do is add water !!
Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and remembering with gratitude how kind and helpful you were to me earlier this year, bless you.
Best wishes,
Anne XX

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: KT
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 03:25 AM

katdarlin' - you may not be realizing this right now, but you ARE going to come through this and feel good again! Just wanted to remind you of that, 'cause at times like this, it's easy to forget.   In the meantime, DO sing.   Sing loud and long and with gusto! Singing helps heal many ailments, and can really help with anxiety.
I'll take you with me on another lovely walk tomorrow.
kt

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 01:36 PM

Thinking of you, Darlin' Kat.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 06:57 PM

Thank you, KT. It IS important to be reminded that this is temporary. I spoke with my niece last night. She is a very wise, genius-type with both feet planted on earth and an incredible bit of experience. She talked me through a nasty attack and called back today to help me with my confidence and doc issues. The major thing today is we finally moved the computers. THAT, I think, is going to make a BIG difference. I will post most about it in the declutter thread.

My plan for tomorrow is to call for an appt. with a new doc to go meet her and see if we would be a good "fit." I will also start putting my old office back together...it is a huge mess!

Thanks for all of the PMs. I managed a tiny walk and did some qi gong and that helps. My Rog is worn out beyond belief..if you have any spare energy to send him, it would be appreciated. The move is now in the put-it-all-together and make it all work even better AND install some other all new systems which have learning curves.

Right now, I am typing this in the dining room, just across from the kitchen where Rog is, while we listen to NPR on the radio and it is really nice to be out here instead of feeling so isolated back in the office. Now it will be strictly for writing, jewellery-making, and meditation.

Thank you, my friends.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 07:50 PM

Thanks for sharing.... said it before... like Red Green says, "We're all in this together."

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 25 Oct 09 - 10:33 PM

Goodnight, Kat. Wishing you peaceful sleep and sweet dreams as I head off to bed.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 01:19 AM

I generated a few endorphins this afternoon and evening by rearranging furniture while some sauce simmered and was processed (canning). Studies show that work that involves a strenuous workout that generates an immediate effect (like a new look in the room, or mowing a lawn, etc.) is very good for you. Maybe you and Rog can look for just one modest thing to move around the house, to give a little exercise and give the house a new look.

Just a thought. One step at a time! Take care, and sweet dreams.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: mouldy
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 07:31 AM

Many years ago I suffered a lot from panic attacks - I was afraid to sleep, because I was needing to be aware of my heartbeat (you know how sometimes you can hear it when you lay your head on the pillow). I thought I might die if I lost "control" of that. Add to that the panic attacks during the day when I felt I could hardly breathe, the pulse rate of 120, etc...
It was all brought on by a cumulation of stressful events, and triggered by Ian falling on our guinea pig whilst trying to catch it, and sadly killing it - two days later the panic attacks started.

All this preamble is merely to say that I started to recover from the minute I was told by one of our local doctors that I would get better, but that it would take time. He said I had had a lot on my plate (newly married, long journey to and from work on public transport, husband working shifts, visiting mother in law with terminal cancer), and the event with the guinea pig had been like a rock thrown into a pond which creates a big splash and waves. In time the ripples get further apart and smaller, till they eventually disappear. It took a few months and some pills (which I weaned myself off asap), but I did recover.

Kat, love, you have been through a lot of late, and it is bound to have some knock-on effects, especially when you have had emotional trauma on top of having to take so many drugs. You may have been feeling some of the withdrawal effects from them, or some delayed reaction to the emotional load. I really hope you are starting to move forward, but don't beat yourself up if you find that some days you stand still! All you want is that the days moving forward at some point outnumber all the rest!

Andrea x

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 11:10 AM

Kat - I'm afraid I haven't read through the whole thread so I might be repeating others comments.

Remember Valerian for night-time, to get through those early hours lying awake stressing nights. Works very well.

Passiflora is super for daytime, very calming.

Check out the wonderful Thich Nhat Hanh's Walking Meditation
Great little book for learning a gentle walking version of Zen Sitting - or clearing the mind and maintaining a state of calm mindful presence, while staying fully centered in the body.
Zen Sitting or traditional sitting meditation sounds all well and good for relaxation, but if you're stressed, sometimes *trying* to sit still and *just* breathe can actually make things worse! Plus you might chill out for half an hour, but what about when suddenly the phone's back on, the dogs barking and there's other stuff going on that you have to deal with? This book is a little gem. And one of my favourite books for getting to grips with a form of very simple wholistic meditative practice that has real results. I must confess my own practice has dropped off through laziness in recent months, but once you get into it for a few weeks, it starts to come together and helps *everyday* activities become calming.

Another book I have on a similar theme is called Transforming Housework, basically about the art of utilising everyday housework chores as mindful practice to centre in the here and now and gain mastery over all that OCD mind spinning stuff.

Such methods of using ordinary daily activities as calming mindful practice work for me anyway (though one does need to keep at it.)

Hope you find something that helps you.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 11:58 AM

Ooops, actually make that: "The Transformation of Housework" - for what it's worth!
SRS mentions 'Tea Ceremonies' below, again another practical way to create and "anchor" calm mental states, onto ordinary everyday activities. Another plus is that you can use soothing herbs such as Chamomile and Lemon Balm in conjunction with the routine. And two further little books I really like: Healing Aromatherapy Bath & Herbal Dream Pillows for practical wholistic approaches to managing difficult mental & emotional states, including stress & insomnia. This is probably more "stuff" than you need, but I've found all these approaches helpful - so throw them up in case..

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 10:48 PM

I had some major anxiety last night. This morning, I called Dr. Jeri's office, the woman who does OMT. I was going to just ask her for more xanax (I've had two, one each the past two nights and it has helped) until I see the therapist on Nov. 2. They said she had an opening this morning, so I went in to see her. She thinks the serotonin levels in my brain were depleted and haven't caught up to how much better I am doing physically. She would have preferred putting me on a anti-depressant, but I don't feel that depressed and also don't like the idea of taking something new. At least with xanax I know what to expect and can get some sleep. I only have 20 tabs and my docs know I don't have a problem with getting off of it. I am also going to look into natural remedies for the serotonin. She also recommended another doc in their practice whom she thinks I would like a lot better that my PCP. The guy she recommended is more wholistic, spiritual,. and calm...so, though I feel some anxiety about just making the call, I am going to call and see if I can get into see him in the next month. If I can't or don't like him for some reason, she has also given me the name of a woman who is coming to a new practice in Dec. or Jan. Either way, I will be getting a new doc!

I know I don't need permission from any one about what to do with my body, but she suggested that I could take a half of a xanax during the day if I felt an attack coming on; I've been using them at night only. I think just her "giving me permission" to do so had a big effect as I have not had any anxiety of any significance today. Of course, I know that has a lot to do with you all, too. So that's me...an update and being cautiously optimistic.:-)

Thanks and luvya,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 11:28 PM

Miss Kitty - see pm.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Oct 09 - 11:37 PM

Sometimes the act of "giving permission" is simply a reassurance, a way to tell someone that their own instincts are correct.

I've been giving my son a cup of tea in the evening, chamomile usually. I was giving him one for a sore throat while he was under the weather, and thought I'd continue the practice now. As Crow Sister mentions, it's a soothing tea and I'm hoping to get him to eventually change his homework pattern, doing it earlier in the evening and getting to bed at a decent hour. I'm building the tea ceremony into easing toward bedtime.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:17 AM

This therapeutic film has been scientifically proven to cheer up anyone, no matter how deep their depression. I prescribe that you watch this twice, and then practice repeating the entire song/mantra until you can repeat it word for word.

namaste, and the Blessing of the Green Fedora on you

LEJ

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: KT
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 01:41 AM

Even more delightful than the film, LEJ, is imagining you watching it! How in the world did you find that?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Crow Sister (off with the fairies)
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 03:28 AM

For sleepless nights do check out:

Valerian Root

It Works (has a recorded history of use with war-trauma victims) though like me - you might want to err 'experiment' a little with dosage, is non-addictive and if bought in capsule form can be used as a night-time tea. If I'm having a very crap night, I keep some by the bed - or I might simply get up for half an hour for a cup of valerian tea and end up dozing off for the rest of the night on the sofa with a book and blanket (a 'change of scene' can help to break the anxiety cycle too). It should help ease you off the drugs, without it causing such a shock to the nervous system.
It does however smell of poopydoo! And my cats (for some mysterious reason??) seem to just love it...

Try St. Johns Wort for the happy stuff. It Works too, has been successfully tested in trails. After a couple of weeks it's like the sun coming out from behind clouds - was better than Prozac for me. In fact I believe Dr.s in Germany prescribe it for depression/anxiety.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 11:46 AM

OH thanks, LeeJ! Now I am going to wonder if the weasel gets the baby!**bg** I will try singing it. One of the things i haven't mentioned is I don't have much of a voice right now, surprise, surprise, right? Rog and I both had colds. I am over it except fora very dry throat, some congestion which has settled in my throat, so I am kind of raspy at the moment. Drinking lots of water, etc. for it.

Crow Sister, thank you so much for the information. I am unable to do either of those for interaction reasons, BUT I really appreciate your input about them. Before heart surgery, herbs were absolutely where I would first turn; I even went out on St. JOhn's day for gather the flowers, etc. to make my own oil of St. John's wort for treating bruises, etc. I also used only herbs when going through men o'pause.:-)

I still feel better this morning, folks. The greetings here and PMs are helping a lot. Thanks so much and wish me luck for the day, please?

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 11:54 AM

Anxiety and panic attackes can be a sign of depression, Miss Kitty. St. John's Wort can help but with clinical depression a prescription drug may be in order. Watch what you are doing just before going to bed. I play online poker and it exhausts me but when I play word games I get too hyper to sleep. Not sure why. But find your sleep inducer and keep it in your schedule.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 11:56 AM

A trick I use to fall asleep when it just won't happen is to relax and count backwards from 2000. I picture each number as I count and eventually fall asleep. Worth a try.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 12:32 PM

Thanks, Sins. I have changed what I do when I go to bed; for the first time in my life I am not reading in bed. There have been a few books, lately, which have kept me awake because I wanted to know what happens next! The only thing which helps, right now, is music, specifically Native American flute, some tapes I've had for umpteen years which evoke some happy memories. St. John's Wort is out due to the warfarin. Thanks to another Mudcatter who shared their experience, I am going to talk with my doc more about antidepressants, but i am still going to see what else I can do about the serotonins, on my own.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 02:47 PM

Kat, if your Vitamin D levels haven't been check please add that to your list to check with the Doctor. Those who have multiple medical issues are likely to have this one slide in with the others and it can set the pot stirring all sorts of issues, especially as we get less and less sun this time of year.... (And it's not too difficult to treat....)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 03:22 PM

I've always preferred the Talking Cure for depression. It seems to get more to the heart of the matter rather than just treat symptoms. So far it has worked. And they (a nebulous group, "they," but I can probably dig up a citation) say that having a good friend to talk to can be as good as a psychotherapist.

I've seen that cartoon before, I probably have it on a tape here somewhere. I think it's safe to say that the weasle gets it in the end. I made tapes from the television when the kids were small so I could pop one in when needed to provide a little old fashioned entertainment. Amazing how well those still work, isn't it? What a laugh!

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 10:04 PM

G'night, Kat.

Rest well.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Oct 09 - 11:38 PM

Thanks, Janie, I will.

Tink, back when all of this started, I had some terrible few weeks of horrible muscle cramps..all of my electrolytes, etc. were off. I'd been doing vitamin D, have done for years, but they added magnesium and calcium to the mix and finally, checking the blood tests about every week, it seemed, got my levels to an acceptable level. I think they still are, esp. the D because, in Colorado, we never get less sunshine, or at least it seems like we don't!:-)

I figured the weasel would lose, SRS, thanks, though.:-)

Had a bit of a down this afternoon, but had to run a couple of errands which got me out of the house and better. G'night and thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 12:50 PM

It's amazing how much of an effect physical activity, even gently done, can affect mood. That and being with other people can be very efficacious.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 12:54 PM

I KNOW that you know what you are doing, Kat (GO KAT!), (and this is not an argument or a power-struggle statement), but it keeps coming into my mind to reiterate that CBT and RC are both qualitatively different from the things you are doing, and that they would be worth a short look online if you have not looked at them.

Vitamin D needs your skin to be outdoors to make it, hope you know that....


Hey. See my declut-thread post just posted. Come see us sometime? Olddude lives not too far... Mmario..... Max is 2 hours from here....

Hm..... spring WILL come, even here......

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Dorothy Parshall
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 03:01 PM

Some thoughts which have cheered me on:

may the sun bring you new energy by day.
may the moon softly restore you by night.
may the rain wash away your worries.
may the breeze blow new strength into your being.
may you walk gently through the world and know its beauty all the days of your life.
an apache prayer


This poem by a wonderful musician person gave me a lift on a blue morning:
"Like the power of the ocean
You may feel you are falling
But it's been there all the time
You may think your boat is sinking
But it's not it's just you've been thinking
You have been drifting on another tide

If you look to distant horizons
The answers you may find them
Don't expect them to wash ashore
Your dreams will last forever
And one day you will remember
The life you lived here once before"

David Valentine Taylor 1994

You may encounter many defeats, but you must not be defeated. In fact, it may be necessary to encounter the defeats, so you can know who you are, what you can rise from, how you can still come out of it. ~ Maya Angelou ~

May you come to this:
All the agony that threatened to destroy my life now seems like the fertile ground for greater trust, stronger hope, and deeper love." Henri Nouwen

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Little Hawk
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 04:08 PM

Taking vitamin D and magnesium certainly seems to have helped me combat depression. Physical exercise is good too, but my innate laziness sometimes interferes with that... ;-)

Watching a really funny movie now and then can always help too. I wish I had a whole library of Charlie Chaplin's classic films here.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: RoyH (Burl)
Date: 28 Oct 09 - 05:41 PM

Dear Kat, please accept good thoughts from Elaine and me. I've had something of what you have. I came through it, and music was a great help. Go play for the people, they'll love it and you will benefit too. Look for the silver lining. Burl

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:15 PM

refresh.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:19 PM

Probably too early for your bedtime in your time zone, Kat, but just right for mine. (At least, if I'm wise, I'll head for bed soon.) I wish you peaceful rest.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 10:46 PM

Thanks so much, Janie and everyone else. I have been much better this weekend. Today's is Rog's birthday. Our dau. and her family took us out to lunch. Rog is home, again, knock on wood that nothing goes wrong so he won't get called out. We skipped house chores today...will do them tomorrow.

Still feel rocky when certain family members do their usual thing and late afternoon is still kind low energy/anxious time, but I am working at getting busier to try to head it off at the pass. It is a comfort to know my Mudcat friends are thinking of me. Thanks.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 31 Oct 09 - 11:25 PM

Gentle reflections on a wild northern night.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 05:56 PM

Not a bad night, thanks for the beautiful visions.

I meet with the therapist tomorrow morning. I've been doing pretty well, but am starting to feel some anxiety about meeting him...just about what I will say and his response, etc. I want to go and I won't have any trouble getting there...it's just my mind leaping ahead.:->

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 05:57 PM

Down, Mind!

:~)

Think of Morgan.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Joybell
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 06:04 PM

My thoughts to you too, Kat. And from my True-love too.
Sunshine and flowers and songs from us.
Joy

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 06:19 PM

Leaping ahead.... no worries. Be s cool as you can. It's all good. It can only help. Breath deep and just keep faith.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 07:12 PM

Go with confidence, kat. All will be well again...and so much more joy awaits you!

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 01 Nov 09 - 07:20 PM

Most therapists are going to expect you to be somewhat anxious about a first meeting. (And will probably have a little initial anxiety themselves.) If they are good, by the time you leave that first meeting you will feel understood and validated.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:49 AM

I've been bitten by the black dog recently - and the damn thing seems to want to move in, like a stray that you feed once...

all I can suggest is to just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and to 'make memories'... one thing is to have a nice meal, either alone or with company - you have nice things to draw on then...

no, I don't mean the napkins, silly....

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 05:49 AM

Thinking of you - let us know how it went.

B xxx

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 11:53 AM

Holding you close....

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: sing4peace
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 12:01 PM

Dear Kat -

In addition to the good advice above, I hope your doc has tested your thyroid levels. Most of the women I know are on thyroid meds. Don't know why that is, but it does make a difference. Thyroid problems can make you feel like the whole world is crashing around you, no sleep, autonomic nervous system problems (temperature, heart beat, etc.).

Re: therapist - If you don't feel comfortable - try a different one. It took me a few tries to find the right person. She made all the difference.

Sending light and love -
Joyce

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: eddie1
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 12:16 PM

Hi Kat
We've never "talked" on Mudcat but I've read lots of your stuff and feel I know you.
Can I share something that sounds stupid - but works?

I'm very much involved with Community Radio and right now am up to the neck in doing pre-records for a 4-day broadcast at end of November.
I am working with a lot of folks who are brand new to radio and are often nervous, worried about their performance. I pass on a tip I was given years ago. When talking, smile in between sentences. This certainly comes over in your voice but you yourself start to feel "smiley" and happier!

LUV'N'HUGS

Eddie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 02:24 PM

Hope the anxiety has gone away now....!

All best wishes and hugs

Kitty

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: fat B****rd
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 03:18 PM

I'm late coming to this one but my thoughts are with you. All the very best from Charlie Stenger.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:03 PM

Phew! I made it, a lot thanks to you all giving me courage!

What a wonderful man I met with this morning. We have a lot in common and I really like him. I will see him next week when we will talk more, of course.

I have some "homework." I don't really want to talk about it publicly, but it is all stuff I feel good about and can do...it may take a bit of thinking but I can do it.

I did get really antsy this afternoon and had to get out of the house. Morgan and I were just getting ready to go to the store when his dad came to get him after work. I went to the store alone and was okay, but then had that awful feeling about 5p. Went out to the car and sat waiting for Rog to get home and go to the grocery store with me. He is a good and patient man. I am better now.

I found it is not such a bad thing to *listen* to the anxiety and see what it wants, i.e. get out of the house, etc. AND one strategy the doc gave me was to plan things to do out of the house in the later afternoon when I know I may feel badly. One thing I may do is, after Morgan goes home, take my new mini-laptop to the library/bookstore/coffeeshop and work on my NaNoWriMo novel. This is day two, technically and I only have about 4000 words!

Thanks, again, my dear, dear friends. I am overwhelmed at your kindness and would only remind you I give out what I receive, so right back atcha all the kind and wonderful things you have said.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:06 PM

Knew ya could do it, Kat. Posilutely.

Now that you are talking about all this, it's practically gone. :~)

I'm gratefull you got hooked up with a good 'un today.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:30 PM

Hey, Kat, I'm happy to tell you that after weaning off of it for about six weeks, I finally left that medication of mine behind (changed to the new, simpler small dose). I had a bit of an iffy weekend, but I think I'm pretty well past it now. This has turned up in a couple of our threads where you participate, but this seemed like a good place to report a positive outcome.

I hope you keep up with your homework. If you're establishing a new routine it will take a little while. Weil says it takes about 8 weeks to made some new activity into a habit. That's what I'm working on right now, adding in healthy eating and breathing exercises.

Good luck! (And how's the writing coming along?)

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Nov 09 - 10:46 PM

That's great, SRS! I have already started one new routine..completely new to me, in my whole life. I no longer read when I go to bed. It's been about two weeks and it still feels weird, but I think it does help me to get to sleep...though it may also be the medicine.:-)

I'll post an update on the nanowrimo thread. I don't want to start posting to specific folks in this thread as I don't want to miss anyone.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 06:55 AM

Wonderful, Kat! I don't post much but I've been thinking of you every day and sending healing thoughts. You are doing all very good things- the therapist sounds like a wise one.

I had to stop reading at bed time some time ago for sleep reasons (although sometimes I "bore myself to sleep" with dense non-fiction) but I switched to crossword puzzles- they absorb enough of my brain to stop it chewing over any niggling anxieties, but they don't engage me with new things to chew over. Usually it's about 5 minutes and then


ZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz!


Love love love to you!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 06:48 PM

Crossword puzzles make me want to stay up to finish them!:-)

I didn't know which thread to put this in, but I think more folks will see it here than in the nanowrimo one, so...in an effort to ward off any afternoon anxiety, I headed out to Starbucks after Morgan went home, today. He whipped my socks off in a marathon game of Monopoly (the kid is a land Baron!) I had my mini-laptop with me and was going to work on my nanowrimo novel. Got there, almost didn't go in, but decided I owed it to myself to do so. Got my hot chocolate and a single seater table.

Set up the laptop, switched eye glasses and started to write. The keyboard is 89% the size of a regular one, so it's not too bad, but the touch mouse pad is super sensitive, so we had to get used to one another. I hope no one heard me threaten it. finally found a starting place and commenced. I did pretty well with about 450 words in a half hour but then I got sandwiched between a new teenage mother giving a blow by blow account of her son's entrance to the world (he was adorable and she wasn't too obnoxious, just a little hyper talking about her water breaking etc.)and a poor guy behind me who, when the server asked him if he was okay, blurted out how he hasn't been able to get work in over a year and can't buy things for his little girl, and has a college degree and experience.

My heart was smooshed between the elation of the new mom and the sorrow and anguish I heard in that good man's voice. My first instinct was to turn and commiserate with him, but, right now I know that is not best for me, so I packed up, quietly, and left. I don't think Starbucks is the place for me to get away to write. Next I will check out the library and bookstores. I hope I can get to the point where I can just stay home and write as it is much faster for me on a regular sized keyboard and easier on my neck and shoulders, too. I am giving myself a pat on the back for even going and trying. I could think of a zillion reasons not to.:-) Thanks for listening.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 07:18 PM

I give thanks for your courageous boundaries.

I give thanks for your compassion to yourself.

I give thanks for your great use of accumulated good judgment and life experience.

I give thanks for the choices you are making, large and small.

I give thanks that you have given this thing voice fearlessly and thereby reduced it to a mere annoyance (to yourself, not to us).

I give thanks for your confidence in wrapping up this challenge the smartest way you know how.

I give thanks for your smarts. :~)

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 10:54 PM

'night, Kat.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 10:56 PM

I give thanks for a peacefull night, sleep or no.

And a good strong heart to trust.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 11:24 PM

Kickin' myself a little for not checking in here sooner, to let you know that one more is thinking of you and wishing better days ahead. My mother had a spell of pretty bad anxiety attacks, and my sister has had a bit of it; I realize it's no joke at all. So far as advice, you've had much better here than I know to give. Sounds like you have the right therapist, and a good grasp of how to take care of yourself.
            Dean

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: frogprince
Date: 03 Nov 09 - 11:36 PM

Hope this gives you a chuckle; I haven't put it on my website, since the tune is borrowed; do you know Si Kahn's "Wild Rose of the Mountain"? I've got Si's permission for singing it with the tune, so long as I don't record it, which isn't apt to happen; the title is kind of a tongue-in-cheek bow to "Lilly, Rosemary, and the Jack of Hearts".

       Me 'n' Sheriff Brown 'n' the Piper

Sheriff Brown came round to see me in a Buick Regal;
Said, "That grass is nice and green, but, son, that grass ain't legal";
From the jailhouse telephone, I called a legal eagle;
He said, "Friend, you better face it, your defence is feeble".

Chorus: Guess I'll have to do the reapin, 'cause I did the sowin';
                If I have t' pay the piper, how much do I owe 'im?

Cooked some corn up in a mash; came back a little later;
Ran it through an antique copper Reo radiator;
Some skunk told the revenouers where my little still sat;
Truth be told, I'm just as glad I missed the one I shot at.

Chorus:

Maggie liked to have some fun, and Maggie was my buddy:
We decided all that fun could fetch us in some money;
Sheriff Brown showed up again; ( his Regal's gettin' rusty);
'nother month of good behaviour, I can be a trustee...

Chorus:



                Melody: "Wild Rose of the Mountain" c. Si Kahn
                Lyric c 2002, Dean Elkins

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 04 Nov 09 - 11:05 PM

'night Kat.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Nov 09 - 10:48 AM

G'morning, Janie and everyone else.

Frogprince, that DID give me a chuckle!! Thanks, I'd love to hear you sing it, but understand about not recording it.

We were both so tired last night, we went to bed at 845p! And, Rog slept in a tiny bit this morning until 730p. He has been so tired out from the move and subsequent problems with equipment and morons...it will be good when it settles down.

I did pretty well yesterday. We had to drop off the car for an estimate, so I was home all day without transportation. I had plenty to do, worked on my nanowrimo novel, did some laundry and such. Rog came home for lunch which was nice. Then I took a nap after working on the computer a bit more.

Work up not feeling that upbeat, but no real anxiety. BUT, just about that car repair place called; it wasn't an engine compression problem, thank goodness, but it did need a tune-up with plugs, new plug wires, etc. to the tune of $350.00! It's been a long time since we've had to pay for such and I was a bit surprised and dismayed. I shouldn't have been, that car always knows just how much little extra we might have and waits to spend it for us at just the moment when we've both sighed with relief at having a little extra. As I said on another thread, i guess we should be happy it is so accommodating and waits until we actually have it!

By this time it about 330p. Rog had promised to be on standby if i felt really anxious and needed to get out of the house. I called him, not in too much of a panic, just wanting to get out of the house and comfirm what they said about the car. He started for home at just about 5p..we were going to go to the store together. A few minutes later he called to say he had to go back to work to make sure the kids knew how to run the remote truck for a live shot (no pun intended) at a possible bank robbery. He didn't have to go to the site, just back to the station. So, I was still stuck in the house, still no outright panic. I did go outside and sit on the steps landing for a few minutes, but that got cold. Came in and watched Tom Brokaw who was in town touting the health care system here. (I had a few choice words for him and was reminded why I dont' watch tv news.) By that time I was over any tinges of anxiety, Rog called and went to the store without me, which was okay, and then he was home. So I made it without freaking out over no wheels and Rog being here later than expected. Whatever you are all doing, THANK YEW, and please keep doing it, at least for a short while longer?!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 12:15 AM

Good night, Darlin' Kat.

May the long time sun shine upon you
All love surround you
And the pure light within you
Guide your way on.

variously attributed as a yoga or old Irish blessing.

Blessed be.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 12:49 AM

one more victory, kat

keep up the good work

love from
sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 07:57 AM

You GO, girl!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 01:08 PM

It's a lovely day here in Texas, and I heard from a friend in New York City that it is a gorgeous fall day there. It would be great if we all, each of us, had a fabulous fall day as our benchmark for this Friday.

Exercise will help with your mood and energy level, and for sleep, maybe a walk around the block after dinner, or before bedtime? Do you live in an area where you're comfortable with that?

Have a good productive weekend, Kat! And scribble scribble scribble!

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 04:27 PM

Well... it's snowin and blowin here... and the hundreds of crows that roosted in my trees last night (massing for migration somewhere warmer, like Texas) lifted at daylight and shat all over the lawn, the barn, the patio, the driveway, the truck... I had to pick my steps around and between it just to go for milk and bread this morn.

Me dear old Mum said she figured the crows mass up in my trees and roost in same in spring is because we are kindred spirits.

I hope your kindred spirits are much kinder, kat. T's & P's at ya yet again.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 04:48 PM

Just last year gnu was arrested for sitting in his trees and taking a shit.............


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Hollowfox
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:04 PM

Lovely weather here in northeast Ohio. (thinking of you)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 05:24 PM

Ya' know Fox.............What with gnu joining the crows and all, I think if I were you I'd be checking something out. I mean, it wouldn't be much of a stretch for the boy to move up to buzzard status and wind up next March 15 s(h)itting in a tree over in Hinckley. I was thinking maybe we ought to meet up there and see if he shows up. Then again, if he does, is that anything I really want to see?

.............geeziz................makes me shivver just to think about it.....................


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:03 PM

Buzzard? RAVEN lad, raven. The top bird. The wise one. Crows are a mere substitute for a city boy... alas... I don't get up to the bog country these days.

(Of course, the king of all birds is still the hummer.)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:13 PM

kat.... that there Hummer is some bird. Smallest little thing on the go and can put a lickin on robins, cats, crows and many others. Just because it's small doesn't mean it's not mighty. It's the fortitude and attitude.

Keep hummin along, kat.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:13 PM

Gnu, you might want to reconsider........I know you're a trad sort of guy and the Buzzards of Hinckley Ohio are certainly a tradition......a really fuckin' weird tradition, but a tradition nonetheless!

The Annual Return of the Buzzards


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 06 Nov 09 - 06:27 PM

Sounds like a hoot, Spaw. I would try to say sommat halfway halfassed, but I am whooped from being awakened early by the spirits.... kindred or not.... I am falling asleep at the keyboard.

gnightfernowgnu

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 12:13 AM

Oh, the images you two have conjured up! I have a big smile on my face and in my heart, right now. I love crows and ravens ergo I must love gnu, too!:-) Oh, and this IS just for gnu: hmmmmmmmmmmmm (big breath) hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, etc.!

Janie, that is beautiful, thanks. HFox, thanks and Sandra, too and everyone else.

I had a very busy day which was fun, but I am ready to fall in bed. Had Morgan for breakfast at 730a as his mom had to go to an early mtg. So I dropped him off at school at 830a, came home did a few things, then it was time to pick him up for lunch. We went to the park for a fast-food picnic, then he played on the slides, etc. with another little kindergarten boy who was there. Then we headed to town to look at shoes. I went out on a limb and decided to try birkenstocks, again, for the first time in about five years. They feel very strange to me, but I love their look and they are just ME, so I hope that I can wear them. I put tape on the bottoms so they won't scuff. I will only try them out at home for a few days as they will refund my money if they don't work out. I am hoping the work Dr. Jeri has done with my feet is enough for me to tolerate them again.

Then we stopped at the other shoe store to get my deposit back for some shoes which are on backorder for who knows how long, so i wasn't going to wait. Then, we hit the road with Morgan complaining that I was wearing him out! Then we went to a small newspaper's office to pick up rolls of unused paper for art projects. They just give them away for free. They are really great for a kid to have a blast with. We got one for his house and one for ours. About then, I realised my tank of O2 was empty, so we hightailed it to the O2 place which wasn't far away and got another bottle. By then, I was getting tired, too, so we headed home. Morgan managed to stay awake. We dropped off one roll of paper at his house, came home, went potty, he got out the UNO cards as that's what he'd been asking to do all day, and I got us half bagels and OJ. He'd just dealt the cards when his mom called him. He thought she said she'd be here soon, then we heard a beep-beep...she was in the driveway. By this time it's 330p, but we're having so much fun, he begs to stay she says yes, I beat his socks off a couple of hands of UNO, then he went home. It's okay, he beat my socks off this morning before school about six games worth.

All in all it was a pretty good day baring a couple of twinges sof anxiousness and some aches and pains and feeling tired, but you know what? It is a good tired because it is from being so active instead being tired from illness etc. Wow, what a new and welcome feeling.

I have not worked on the novel today or yesterday except in my head. I have a bunch of stuff I need to add in. On Sunday, there is a NaNoWriMo Write-In Event at the local library...four hours of nice quiet space filled with writers tapping away on their greatest hope. I've always eschewed getting into groups like that because I write well on my own, but I think it will be fun to just meet others and, if someone is fairly new, who knows, maybe I can show them the ropes.:-)

Tomorrow we may take Morgan to see a classical guitarist and a Native American dancer and singer at the library's culture fest.

Thank yew, thank yew, one and all!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 07:46 AM

an excellent day

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 07:58 AM

Wonderful, Kat! I know you appreciate the precious time with Morgan, and you are filling his days with wonderful future memories. AND keeping yourself centered and balanced and healthy and all that very good stuff.

Love you~
Allison

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: KT
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 08:51 AM

Wow, kat! You're wearing me out just reading about your day! Ain't no moss growin' under THOSE birkies! Goodonya!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 11:23 AM

Thanks, gals, with moderation in mind, I hope those kind of days won't be such rarities any more.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 12:04 PM

My post has disappeared?

Evermore, quoth the raven.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 04:22 PM

I don't see any missing, gnu?

So far, another great day here, although my house is a mess. We played today! Did go get cat food and mail at the post office, but then we picked up Morgan and went to a culture fest at the downtown library. We were there for about 3-4 hours. It was small, but jam packed and wonderful. There were booths with country info, ethnic food & clothing, and some with musical instruments for China, Uganda, Nepal, Mexico, Navajo Nation & Lakota, Congo, Thailand, and some others which I missed.

We spent an hour listening to a guitarist talk about the classical guitar through the ages, playing beautiful examples and passing around copies of the sheet music, complete with tablature from the 1500s. Then we spent another hour listening to a Native American drummer/singer and his friend who makes and plays NA flutes. Beautiful! He even had a flute made from a sunflower stalk! Morgan did pretty good at sitting and listening. He was esp. interested in seeing all of the notes on paper and realizing the guy was playing all of them. He also drummed with the Ugandan guy who was really good with him.

We are home now, so it's catch-up time on housework, but I don't care. It was so much fun to just go play.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 07 Nov 09 - 05:28 PM

Wow, what a fantastic day! I'm jealous of your culture fest. I want one of those here! (Oops, be careful what you wish for, I know, I know!)

The housework can wait! Keep up the good work!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: mouldy
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 03:28 AM

I'm filling with admiration for you, my girl! You are achieving great things, even though they may only seem small.

Keeping the good thoughts coming!

Andrea x

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 03:43 AM

what's housework?

tho I might just have to move some books so the electrician can have a clear path to the light when he gets here tomorrow.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: chazkratz
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 04:21 AM

I just found this thread, Kat, not having been around for a while. I'm glad you are feeling better. It's great to see how many people recognize how much of yourself you have given over the years and have given back thoughts and prayers and electronic hugs and so on.   I too have a doctor whose diagnostic abilities I occasionally question, but he's an awfully nice guy with a delightful Danville accent, so I keep going back.

Music is much of what keeps me going, particularly my Monday night jams and my mini performances in the waiting rooms of the cancer center--I finished my treatment a couple months ago, but I still go with my banjo and just sit in one of the chairs and play and sing. So I strongly recommend it as a personal therapy as well as as helpful for the patients and their families.

Charles

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 07:00 PM

That's the one thing I haven't done, yet, Chasdarlin'...good to see you and thanks, gals! I am going to talk with the therapist, tomorrow, about that and about keeping an even keel. I remember I tend to go great guns then crash, so I am trying to temper myself and stay in balance.

I may have done this subconsciously today. I was to help clean house then go to a nanowrimo write-in event, to write for four hours on my novel, in a nice quiet library space.

We did clean the house. We took Morgan a rocking chair as part of his b-day present for next week. I was going to put something on ebay today which left my clothes full of sticky fibers, so at about 11a, I stripped, put them in the wash and decided what else I could wear to meet my fellow nano-ers.

Along about 1145a, Rog was gone for beer and to bring me back lunch when I put on the other trousers which I fixed, I go to fill my pockets and realise my cellphone is being washed, squeaky-dead clean in the washer, in my pants' pocket, along with my poor crystal, lapis and a couple of other stonepeople! They are okay, the phone is toast.

I find out Rog was planning on driving me in anyway, so that's okay, but then I realise I will have to find a phone to call him when i am ready and I will have too much to carry around to do so, SO, I call my almost six year old grandson and ask if I might borrow his cellphone!**bg** Of course, he said "Sure!"

About that time, I realise it is after twelve o'clock, the event starts at 1p and I haven't washed my hair, eaten, or finished getting dressed. So, I wash, I dress, I sit down to eat. It's okay, it's only 1230, I thought. I tell Rog I'll be ready in a minute, which I am, but the clock says 1240p! We take off. He's found me a nifty little bag for the mini-lap and he carries it, my water, and extra O2 tanks out to the car and we are off with a quick stop at Morgan's for the cellphone. We get a ways down the road when I remember I forgot my weakest glasses for using with the mini-lap, so we go back with Rog getting instructions of where to find them and to grab the external rollerball mouse. All the while, I am trimming and sawing away on my fingernails with a file as they bug me on the keyboard if they are too long (besides when playing instruments like the fiddle and dulcimer, I know!) THEN, we start off once more.

Twenty minutes later and we are there. Only the library lady is in the special room set aside for nanowrimo. Silly me, on a beautiful Sunday, I expected scads of insane people, pulling their hair out with bleary eyes, mumbling two thousand, four hundred and ninety three, only forty-seven thousand and some to go. Oh gawd! I'll never do it! And/or, some zippy thing flouncing in and singing out, I am over the hump and on the down slope at thirty-five thousand, nine hundred and ninety-nine! Instead there is a nice library lady who says a couple more folks said they'd be in sometime and, there's me. Rog helped me get set up. I visited with her for a few minutes then put the stick in the USB to upload the latest version of Ranch on Poison Spider hot off my PC at home, when I see I saved it in the wrong format...ALL of the html is showing. I'll never be able to write with all of that muck. (I have Open Office on my mini-lap.) So, I start looking for how to convert. (I am new to OO.) By the time I figure out, I think, how to use the OO converter, I have saved all versions with the html showing, so now the converter thinks it is supposed to be part of the rtf or some such, so I get the same thing. The librarian offered to look for a converter online, but didn't find anything quickly and by that time I figured something was telling me I wasn't supposed to be there, so I called The Knight in Shining Armour Services. They sent over their oldest, most experienced champion who loaded my gear and me into the chariot and brought me home, although it was in a roundabout fashion, past a couple of other places where he was employed. So, here's my writing fo the day...for you, my friends. I hope it made ya laugh, at least. And, not to worry, I have the formatting all figured out and am going to check with the branch library about having a write in nearer to home.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 08 Nov 09 - 08:40 PM

Oh yeh, Kat.   I can relate!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 06:16 AM

Kat, I was going to send you this link via email but I think some of the folks posting here will appreciate it. It's a song Animaterra chorus has sung many times, and our hospice singers sing it often.

How Could Anyone (Libby Roderick)

(caution- kleenex alert!)

love you-

Allison

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Nov 09 - 01:20 PM

In fact, you tear-jerker-you! I have a CD with Animaterra singing that very song! Thank you so much for the reminder. I was singing along until the pictures and the words got to me, too much, then I just blubbered along.:-)

Janie, I went to post s reply last night just as Max took it offline. Thanks so much.

I think I am going to move over to my blog, AlterKATE and let this thread go along, accessible for emergencies, if any, and/or reinforcement. A lot of what I have written here could be part of my blog (and may be, as I may copy and paste some of it)...so the bulk of my writing of recovery will be there from now on.

Thank you all so very, very much. I met with the therapist yesterday. He has a giant, two year old golden retriever named Gus, who stands about 31-32 inches at the top of his head. BIG, quiet, loving Gus. His "dad" plays guitar, just bought a mando, AND once made a dulcimore from a kit! I will get a group going, yet! More on my blog, later, I think, about how things went. It was very interesting...it's all about balance with me..now where have I heard that before!? Ha ha ha!

Love you,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Nov 09 - 08:21 PM

This is probably a sleep issue, as in I never do well the day after no sleep, but if any of you could send a few thoughts my way tonight, I would really appreciate it. I am feeling anxiety and depression trying to move in.

Rog was called out at 130a last night. I went with him as he thought it would be a problem he could resolve at the station, but had to go up the mountain. Lots of very dark, winding, paved and dirt roads. Takes about an hour to get to the site. It was cold and windy. We finally got to be about 530a. Neither of us is used to that any more!

Go away vague feelings of disquiet.
Go away aura of malaise.
I shall call on my friends,
Take a deep breath
And, blow you out!

Thanks for your support and inspiration, my friends.

luvyashakykat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 14 Nov 09 - 08:30 PM

On the way, Katluv.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 14 Nov 09 - 09:38 PM

Here, kat. I'll play my newest song once more before I wander off to bed. Gather these thoughts for to build a well...piece by peace.

All is well.
Water running over stones
Water slipping between shadows
Water carries silver light
Water deep within the well
Fill the well of dreams
Goodnight.


maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 14 Nov 09 - 11:52 PM

I love it still and forever, maeve. Thank you so much.

Janie, PM on the way. Thank YOU, too. I love my two goodnight *angels*.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Nov 09 - 01:42 AM

I'm often up late on Friday and Saturday nights. It is a bit of a rebellion from the early hours I must keep during the week. Tonight I've been moving the living room furniture into what *feels* like the most logical places. You know it when you see it--a chair in front of the fireplace, with a good reading lamp beside it. The dining room table moved to a spot where it will look good and can expand for company, and for day-to-day meals, we'll use the lovely antique oak round table in the kitchen. The dining table will be set with beautiful china and crystal that has been coming out of trunks this year.

So I think you should visualize your house exactly the way you think it will look best, and think about a setting in it that already fits that vision. A good chair in a corner, or your computer desk in exactly the right spot. Sit there for a little while this evening and read, then head to bed; tomorrow when you awaken and head into the rest of the house for breakfast, you'll look at that spot and know it is perfect, and you'll build out from there.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 15 Nov 09 - 06:19 AM

sending hugs

love from sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Nov 09 - 03:18 PM

Thanks, SRS, I may try that, though I have already done the desk move and it is still something I really like, so that worked.:-)

Thanks, Sandra! Sorry I have neglected my blog! (I know I need to add to it.)

Did get a huge heart smile this morning. Morgan came over with his mp3 player one; the one we gave him yesterday for his birthday. I loaded some folk and trad on it, all Mudcatters, of course. Imagine how good it felt then when I heard him wailing away at the top of his lungs, "Hey-ho, nobody home, no ..eat..no..." and then, "a sold, a sold, a sold cake, please...tress, a sold cake, apple a pear, plum or ...ree...anything ...TO MAKE US ALL MERRY!" I sang along, so he now knows more of the words. But he announced it was his FAV. except that I haven't loaded Bill O'Shea, yet, which also a fav.:-)

So far, doing better today. Thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 15 Nov 09 - 09:55 PM

Remember, 99.9% of the things most of us worry about never happen.

Remember, the only function of worry is to make you feel bad.

Remember, every moment spent fully in the moment is a moment fully lived.

Remember, the present moment is where we are most powerful and have the maximum potential.

Night Kat. Sweet Dreams.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 16 Nov 09 - 01:20 PM

I remember three days and nights without sleeping or eating. When I closed my eyes I saw the source of my fear and couldn't face it so I didn't.

If only anxiety was worry. Worry is about a specific thing. Anxiety is the world flipping on its axis.
When it flips, Miss Kitty, we will be here to catch you.

Deep breaths...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Nov 09 - 05:03 PM

I have such eloquent and beautiful friends. Thank you so much.

I have let go of a large hunk of anxiety today. I called Doc Jeri, the one who does my OMT. She has agreed to be my interim doc until I get set up with a new one who is coming in Dec. THIS is a HUGE relief to me as I needed advice/direction on several things which she addressed, today. I will still take xanax at bedtime for a little while longer as it is really working for me as far as sleep is concerned. I had cut back to 1/2 pill over the weekend as I didn't know when I would be able to get a refill, but 1/2 really didn't do much. I think that lack of sleep really didn't help this weekend, at all, so I expect the next few days to improve. I will also be seeing the therapist on Wed. and we will talk about depression etc. then. Just knowing I have a doc to rely on makes me feel so much better.

I have also decided to cut myself some slack and not worry about getting the 50,000 word novel done in Nov. I am up to about 23,000 words; should be at least to 30,000 by now. Not sure i have it in me this time to finish that quickly, so...if I do, I do, if not, it's okay. I did it in 2006 & 2008. Maybe I was supposed to wait and only do it on even years...2010, here I come.:-)

Thanks, everyone.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 Nov 09 - 07:26 PM

not every famous author writes a novel-a-year!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 12:15 AM

fwiw (and maybe not much, Sins) I would say that anxiety (fear) is the emotion. Worry is the cognitive process. Thing is, we talk to ourselves in short-hand, and so automatically that we often do not recognize the cogitating is happening.

A panic attack is a very intense and discrete episode of anxiety where the "old brain" kicks in and floods the system with adrenalin and cortisol. (More here and here Although many people experience panic attacks as coming "out-of-the-blue," they do not occur, at least initially, except in response to stimuli and a person's interpretation of that stimuli.   It can all happen literally in the blink of an eye. My experience is that regardless of the original causes of panic, the experience is so emotionally and physiologically intense, and so frightening, that a person quickly begins to fear having a panic attack, the baseline level of anticipatory anxiety goes up (the system stays more aroused and vigilant), so panic gets triggered even more readily, and the person often begins to avoid situations in which panic occurred, even when the setting in which the panic occurred was coinsidental to the original fear or conditions, or becomes hypersensitized to sometimes very subtle triggers in the environment, the body or the cognitions. When that has occurred, there may well be very little cognition happening in the higher brain as it relates to intense and/or chronic anxiety and/or panic attacks. One could characterize this as the "mind" controlling you instead of you controlling the mind.

Extensive research has shown that some form of Cognitive Behavioral therapy with a skillful CBT therapist is the most effective treatment for anxiety. I think a mindfulness practice such as is taught in DBT, or a Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) practice is also very useful, and most skillful therapists will incorporate mindfulness training in the therapy.

Sorry for the thread drift.

Back to topic.

G'night Kat. May you sleep well tonight and laugh with joy on arising.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 12:26 AM

Janie, thank you. I will talk with Lloyd-the therapist about this, as I find it very interesting and helpful.

Sandra, tks for the reminder.:-)

I love you, my friends.

G'night,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 02:39 AM

Dearest Kat

Still here with you. Been reading of your progress and hoping for resolutions.

Write as many words as you feel like writing at any given moment. Quantity goal setting is not as important as quality goal setting. Blah blah blah... you know this.

Maybe your brain/spirit is stretching for that little bit better rather than that little bit more.

HUGS!

awww hell

HUGS again

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 08:23 AM

A lot to think about, Janie. I have a mild panic attack everyday at the same time in the same situation. I don't have it on weekends when my schedule changes because I don't work. Wonder how I figure out exactly what is causing it. As I said they are mild. I once suffered the real thing and this is nowhere close. But it is frightening - the idea that the edge is close and I might cross the line.
Brains are hard things to have.

Meantime, kat - I wonder if the book is the cause of the sleeplessness. Until it is finished you can't rest???? You're not famous enough yet to get away with that kind of craziness.

Well, reading through this thread, at least you have friends to fall back on.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 10:45 AM

Thanks, again, m'dears. VTam, the whole thing about NaNoWriMo, is you commit, to yourself, and show it to all the world, to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of Nov. It's completely mad, you turn off the Inner Editor completely and just go for it. It is also a lot of fun as the group puts out fun pep talks, plot started kits and all kinds of funs tuff, PLUS the money they recieve in donations go to fund literacy for children. They even have a junio division for kids who are writers. Check it out at nanowrimo.org.

Naw, Sins, I don't think it is the book, though I don't think fame has the corner on crazy.:-) The trouble with sleep has been there forever it seems, though worse lately. The writing will come, it's me, physically and mentally, which has put a stop to it...I just don't have the wherewithal to sit down and do it, at the moment. I had been so successful the first two times, it has been hard for me to accept and admit that this time maybe I won't make it to the *finish* line.:-)

I had a much better night of sleep last night. Only up twice and able to get right back to sleep both times. Now, I am off for an OMT! That is going to feel so good!

Thanks...I really AM going to get to my blog and move some of this!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 11:00 AM

Kat, this thread is a form of therapy, where you're able to hash some of this out with friends, and I can see you relaxing as time passes. I don't always write, but I do drop in to read. Keep thinking and writing.

I've encountered a couple of panic attacks, I suppose everyone does at some point during a lifetime. It was usually associated with some stage of depression (for me) at times when I was feeling particularly vulnerable. Interestingly, I've been able to talk myself out of them, if I stop right when it hits and cast my mind to what might have been the trigger.

And here's a tidbit to help with your progress: A good belly laugh. You need to read the reviews on this product and you'll see what I mean.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 01:59 PM

Sorry Kat - missed the novel writing marathon post. Good luck with that. Sounds like a hoot.

SRS - love that laptop steering wheel desk. Want to propose them for the NHS and County Council travelling clinicians. Both entities are so keen to squeeze as much work out of the workforce, if they have to pay travel expenses, they may as well invest in this device and get their money's worth out of all those lazy nurses and social workers.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 02:17 PM

That may actually be a product, but if you read the 85+ remarks and look at the photos that reviewers posted, it's a long-running gag over at Amazon, and is really very funny.

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 02:32 PM

Fortunately that poor woman had insurance on her husband. Hadn't rwealized that the air bag really could slice you in half.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 06:33 PM

Oh my gosh! Here's me a week or two ago, out in the mini-van, in the driveway, not knowing where to go, but knowing I had to get out of the house. So I am sitting there thinking....hmmmm...wonder if I could prop the mini laptop on the steering wheel and sit here and write? Not, it wouldn't fit right. I tried the day I went to Starbucks with it, before I drove anywhere! Too funny!

ONe of the constant sources of anxiety is family, esp. my brother who lives in town and two of my sisters who live in WY. I have to constantly set boundaries, esp. with him. He has a way of making everything sound like everyone else's fault...really into a victimhead...has been most of his life. He hates his part-time senior jobs and wants someone to listen to him piss and moan. When I shut him off, he always says, "I knew you wouldn't want to hear about it!" Usually I just hang up; today I said, "then why do you start?" It gets worse then, so I ALWAYS hang up. The only reason I called was to tell him he got some important mail in our mailbox which neither of us can figure out why...where they got our addy. He'll sort that out, at least.

He is very toxic for me to be around. He is all alone. We are tied up in his music with him, to some extent. So...I don't feel as though I can disown him, but I will continue with very ltd. phone calls and very infrequent in-person visits. He is a genuis composer...too bad that seems to go hand-in-hand with social disfunctions. It is very upsetting to even speak with him when he is like this.

I can tell Lloyd and I will have much to work on tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 10:07 PM

Goodnight, kat. I'll be working on some more music in the morning. I'll let you know what I wind up keeping.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 17 Nov 09 - 10:36 PM

Envisioning you having a deep and peaceful sleep tonight.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 01:18 PM

I DID get some sleep! Went to sleep about 1130p, may have slept the night through for the first time in recent and long memory, but Rog woke me wiht some coughing. The good news is we both got back to sleep and even overslept a tiny bit!

Saw Lloyd this morning. He's such a good guy. He's given me some things to do. More later. Thanks, my friends!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 05:43 PM

Just a note: I've copied and pasted most of what I posted here into my blog. As I am finally caught up, I will post there now and let this go where it will or no. Thanks, again, you beautiful, beautiful people.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 05:46 PM

Well done, kat. See you over there.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 07:58 PM

I've been away for the past week but have been paying attention and holding you in my thoughts. It looks as though I've left you in very good hands! Thanks for the blog link- I'll keep track in both places. I know about toxic siblings, although mine have mellowed with the years.
This group of care-givers in this thread feels like a wonderful circle of strong women, gathering strength and pouring it out so that each of us feels stronger! Thanks to all of you!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: frogprince
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 08:47 PM

'Scuse me, but approx 29 "tomcats" have tried, in our bumbling male ways, to express our appreciation and concern for Kat. : )
Happy to hear things are going better; no one wants to see a good heart so troubled.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 11:03 PM

tomcats are welcome, too, of course, even if they claim to be frogs princes! Will a kiss of gratitude change that frog?*bg*

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 18 Nov 09 - 11:15 PM

May you sleep so soundly and restfully that Sealy Posturpedic calls and offers you $5000 to sleep for an ad!

'night Kat.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 05:41 AM

frogprince- I had noticed the strong men as well as strong women who have been supportive and kind in this thread- no bumbling at all that I can see.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 07:20 AM

Sorry, tomcats- I'd been away and just read the last 3 or so threads when I was inspired to write this. Mudcat is a wonderful family of ALL sorts who offer strength, love, support and healing.


I should know!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:26 AM

Looks like forward momentum continues!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 02:14 PM

Poor Kat

I went through period of thinking I was supposed to "fix" dysfunctional parents and siblings. I had to back off for self-preservation, but it came with gnawing guilt. "Was I being selfish?" I finally came to terms with it. Yes I was and it was about damned time. Nobody else was going to do it for me.

Pity your bro is wasting his life with such negativity. This is sometimes seen in people with great talent. Is there a chance he is bipolar? Sounds like a fair few of my family members.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:28 PM

Oh, there's a chance he's all kinds of things..too smart, mostly. He's been in and out of therapy most of his adult life (he's 72) and hoodwinked all but one who just kept turning it back on HIS shoulders...he finally did learn that he is responsible, but he begrudges a LOT, no, MOST of what he has to do in life to get by. I gave up trying to change him years ago, but I still have to reset boundaries almost every time we talk. My sis just called to say she spoke with him last night and he's back to what is normal for him which means not too aggravating, trying to be positive. If he'd gotten B Positive type blood like me, I'll bet his life woulda been different!**bg**

After seeing Amadeus, I could really relate to Mozart's dad and sister..at the time I was managing/promoting/producing his classical music with no money and performing with him at nothing like his level of expertise and only a few times, but that also entailed turning pages, etc. There's more but it would fill a book...maybe that should have been my novel this year!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:38 PM

The Mother's Sister - a working title. LOL

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 03:40 PM

LOL...yeah, but then there were all those years when he seemed like the best big brother in the world...too sad, sometimes!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 04:11 PM

That remembered brother is still in there, kat. Perhaps that's why the other sides of him are painful for you to see and deal with.

Boundaries are healthy.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 10:21 PM

My son just invited me to watch a brief video from the Washington Post - a short peice on a fellow who teaches Parkour in the DC area. The man was talking about what he and others get out of Parkour, and one major thing is the opportunity to deal with fears. He made a great statement which I can only paraphrase, about fear. He was saying in the context that one positive thing about Parkour is it gives you the opportunity to deal with your fear.

Again, this is a paraphase, not a direct quote Fear is natural, and is actually a good thing because it keeps you from taking stupid risks. But panic is a bad reaction to fear. It shuts the brain down and renders you ineffective.

That is a spot-on way to characterize panic that I had never thought of before - an ineffective reaction to fear.

I'm gonna pass that on to my DBT group on Monday.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Nov 09 - 11:11 PM

It certainly is a barrier to action in my experience, at least. The little bit I read on Parkour reminds me of what my sister told me about an Outward Bound for adults that she did. A lot of self-reliance, ingenuity, and confidence were needed/enabled. She's always had those, but it gave her an opportunity to prove to herself she still had the abilities, plus it involved several days of her being on her own, foraging etc. and getting across a river via hanging from a rope. She's always been my shero.:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 20 Nov 09 - 09:34 AM

Janie, Katlaughing, my first post in this thread was about combining CBT and the (all-secular) RC with great spiritual disciplines already in place. RC is a way of laughing and shaking off old, recorded fears so that a more accurate approach can come more easily to mind; CBT is (as we know) a route to finding where the laughs are, as well as an effective set of tools for trying and overcoming "scary" situations. I have found both CBT and RC essential in redrawing and re-stating boundaries that are not about what the other person is "allowed" to do but about how I respond to whatever they may do.

A nice thing about CBT is that its practitioners encourage self-directed use on one's own. Certainly a therapist skilled in it is a help to getting it going-- but it is not therapy-dependent.

Upward and forward!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: GUEST,olddude
Date: 21 Nov 09 - 09:06 AM

Lots of hugs from this old dude Kat
you know I love you

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Nov 09 - 05:15 PM

Thanks, Dan.:-)

Good news! Just got set up with appts. for both of us with the new doctor! We do not have enough docs available here. This is a new clinic opened by the hospital to alleviate some of that. There were 150 people ahead of us on the list, so, I am thankful we were able to get on her list. I've heard she is very compassionate and takes her time with each patient. My kind of doc! What a relief!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 03:35 AM

yah! finding a good doctor can be difficult - I've had 3 good doctors over the past 30 years & a few who were ok or mediocre or not good.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 07:45 AM

Oh, good!

Still thinking of you every single day!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 11:11 AM

Kat, while you are sorting out the medical/counselor details (marshaling those resources), please also remember:

Your own mind and spirit are the most powerful forces you can marshal toward a positive direction. Access to the positive is always, ALWAYS available to you via thoughts of Morgan.

So please be sure to leave yourself space in all this for regular contemplation/gratitude re: the best Morgan-times.

GO, WOMON.

YOU CAN DO IT.

Be OUT.

~Susan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 25 Nov 09 - 11:25 PM

Wishing you deep and dreamless sleep (or sweet dreams - take your pick!) tonight and a day full of blessings and thanksgiving tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 26 Nov 09 - 10:51 PM

Goodnight, Kat. Breathing slowly, relax into the rhythm. Come morning light you'll feel refreshed.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 08:30 PM

The air is filled with thanks-giving, Kat; also with rain. Both have their places.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 27 Nov 09 - 11:52 PM

Thanks so much, gals. Great dreams will come to me, I know they will. Trying to be patient with new med...stopped the lexapro and am now on zoloft which has worked before. Still side effects, no matter what. Working on getting myself out of the house more doesn't work well when I can't drive from being medicated. (I have cancelled hospice for Monday.) They say it should pass. I really need to help Rog figure out how we can afford for him to retire; his job is really over the top with stress. (Just thinking out loud here.) Thanks for listening.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 01:07 AM

can't drive, can walk short distances? Any nearby parks or other places to sit for a short while & look at different scenery?

more hugs to you both

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: wysiwyg
Date: 28 Nov 09 - 09:26 AM

Black humor observation--

To be well enough to "cancel hospice" instead of being IN it-- now there's a trick to be happy about! :~)

Re: ALL the fears. Well, yer alive-- just look at all you've overcome. You must be a powerful womon.

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Nov 09 - 10:15 PM

I've been posting on my blog, rather than here and then there. There is a little bit in the decluttering thread, too. It seems the zoloft is starting to kick in. I was able to do a lot this weekend past and have made it three days without a panic/anxiety attack. I only called Rog at work once, today, for which I am sure he is grateful. He even came home early without my begging him to!

Anyway, my friends, thank you...your help is so important and appreciated. I am better.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 Dec 09 - 02:09 AM

I used to know a bloke who always greeted his friends very enthusiastically with 'you're looking good, dunno what you're doing but keep doing it!'

keep getting better

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:23 AM

Having a bit of a time and would really appreciate a bit of help. I know we've been full out with others who have been in much more need, but it seems things are taking their time with me.

Thanks a bunch!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:30 AM

How are you doing, Kat? You're right--we have generated a few cracks for folks to drop through while we follow the cancer threads. Have your medications reached their intended levels, or are you needing to adjust them?

SRS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 11:59 AM

Just need to know we're here Miss Kitty? Or something more specific? You mentioned Morgan's visit - it cheered you up but I bet he wears you out too.

You have come such a long way. Maybe this is a plateau?
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 12:19 PM

Thanks, SRS. Just this Monday, we got the meds up to 100mg. It was 50mg from the middle of Dec., then 75mg, last week, now the 100. If anything it feels more depressing than not. They keep telling me it takes time, 30 days at least, for it to kick in and I know it did kick in, somewhat, earlier, because I had been a lot better and still am to some extent.

I've been sleeping a lot more during the daytime, I think from the meds, but also lack of motivation and lack of nighttime sleep. I cannot bring myself to do much of anything save the essentials. I haven't been sleeping well at night as I am up and down to the porcelain throne too often. (How does one regulate movement of solids with the daytime?!Arrgghhh!)

I haven't been out of the house except with Rog, not because of fear but because of meds and also nowhere specific to go which doesn't seem like more trouble than it is worth with dragging the O2 around and all.

There are some bright moments, like yesterday with Morgan, but that's the first time I've been able to have him all week due to my feeling badly.

I will be going to a new therapist early in Feb. so I am hanging on until then. The goal is to get me off the xanax and give the zoloft a chance to take effect, but I've been told he likes alternative, non-med approaches, too, so we'll see what he says. I am on the cancellation list and I hope i can see him before the 28th as that is my yearly with the cardio and it makes me nervous because of last summer.

When I was anaemic, I knew why and the bully doctor wouldn't leave me alone even though my levels went up as I'd said they would. That went on for a couple or more months. When he couldn't come up with any other explanation for that and some water retention he sent me to the cardio who is a nice guy. BUT, I was so scared, bullied, tired, etc. when the cardio told me he wanted me to get an echo to see if there were any "loose stitches" around my artificial valve, I lost it. Told him he was scaring me, he said he didn't mean to, then when I said I hoped they'd use the da vinci robotics to repair it, if so, he said probably not, they'd probably have to open my chest. Then he had his staff schedule an echo.

Talk about full out panic and feeling beat down! The more Rog, who was there with me, and I thought about it, the more we figured if the doc was truly worried about loose stitches he would not have let me go home. After another week or two of worry, I cancelled the echo. All of the summer xrays, ekgs, and other tests showed my heart and lungs were doing well, so I have not been worried at all, but now, knowing I have to see him, I feel very nervous. I keep reminding myself that all has been well and is well, but seeing the therapist would be helpful.

Boy! I haven't written about the cardio before, that I remember. I think I needed to. Thanks for listening.

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 12:20 PM

Thanks, Sins. Took me so long to reply, I missed you!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:04 PM

Donnie couldn't go in the deep end of the pool because he still hasn't learned how to float or swim properly in the shallow end yet.
The other kids seemed to effortlessly move from one lesson to the next. He worried that he might be the only one limited to the shallow end.

The YMCA pool must have had half wits tend the pool since the smell of chlorine was stinging and children's eyes were ruby red as they emerged from the pool. Donnie thought, I can't do this anymore. Besides I really hate that they don't let us wear any swimming trunks. Then he just stared down at a rubber coated brick sitting on the bottom of the deep end. The blue brick wiggled, darted and flowed, but the mind knew it was motionless fourteen feet down on the bottom.

The ladder and holding the edge gave a bit of confidence but in a second Donnie could feel the terror of slipping or falling even if a rung of the ladder was just inches away.

On the ride home he looked back at the stark brick building and the vertical red neon sign YMCA but the M and C were dark probably from burned out bulbs. The sky was all pinks and purples when he got home.
"what's for dinner Mom?" Liver and onions, I bet you're really hungry after your swimming lessons, she said. Oh my, your eyes are so red.

When Dad got home Donnie still wasn't hungry, he skidded through some homework watched some TV and went to bed. In the bedroom that was added above the garage, he would stare at the knotty pine eyes saring at him from every imaginable direction. Down the hall he heard the tippytaptaptap of Dads IBM selectric tywritter. Kvetch the Siamese cat walked in and said Mow. She jumped up on the bed and Donnie said, I bet you hate swimming too. With the cat under the covers in a tent between his knees Donnie faded off to sleep.

Staring down at the blue brick, waving back and forth wiggling and waving I want to jump in and pick up the brick and walk around on the bottom of the pool like I've seen other kids do. "why don't you do it?" asked a small Irish man. Because I can't swim. "Why not?" Because I know I'll drown.

"Hmmm, 'av ya tried to breathe the water?" No I can't breathe water thats how you drown. "Aye but av ya even tried?" No of course not, what do you mean? "I mean when you get down there by that ladder over there, grab the brick and try breathen." I can do the ladder alright but. "OK lets see." All right all right, see I can hold on to the ladder just fine. "That's perfect, now can ya put your head underwater?" Sure see?

"Now go down an grab that brick and if ya run outta air jus breathe the water" Thats crazy but I bet I could touch the brick before I ran out of air. "That's great try it!" Underwater the sounds are funny and far away, but like a dart I zoom to the brick. My ears are starting to hurt and my lungs are feeling desperate, yet up close I can hear him say "Breathe laddy breathe". I take a bit of a breathe and astonishingly I can breathe. I can breathe.

There we are both of us sitting on the bottom with the blue brick breathin away. "See I told ya, whenever ya really need to breathe you can do it." This is so great.

Cat whiskers on my nose wakes me up. The clock says 7 AM. I listen for the bus but I can't hear it, so though I'm late, I have a chance to catch the bus.

From that day on Donnie could swim just fine. The deep end was the most fun. But he's still the worst diver ya ever will see. Jump, splat, more often than not.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:35 PM

Hopefully, Donuel is in the wrong thread...


Sounds like he was trying to rule out something that was no longer a problem. If you know what causes the anemia, can you chart it, kat,and prove your point.

I used to have to fight with my doctor about blood transfusions. For a week after the onset of my period (which lasted 21 days) I was severely anemic. Big surprise. AIDS was being found in the blood supply and I was too anemic to put aside blodd for myself. But I knew what the cause was.

They don't listen. And they do want to avoid lawsuits.

Sounds like you are dreading the meeting with your cardiologist. Maybe, writing down everything you want to say and answers to everything you expect him to ask/say will help relieve some of the stress. Can Roger sit in on the meeting? An ally?

M

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:39 PM

Hey Kat - you are always there for others in need, of course we are here for you melove.

Just know - this too shall pass. Getting to talk about the cardio may have been therapeutic. Keep talking and we will keep listening.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 01:52 PM

The next time Donnie saw the little Irish man, he showed him how to fall from great heights, "All ya do is float the last 10 feet",(You wouldn't believe it but we were using umbrellas!) and from then on Don loved heights best.

Now fixing a stitch may never be your favorite challenge, but av ya tried? Try it to the tune You've got to pick up every stitch.
From then on instead of kerplunkitty plunk kerplunkitty plunk, it went buda buda buda buda buda buda forever after.

All the best.
Don

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:08 PM

Naw, Sins, Donuel has the right thread...I think he's entertaining me and trying to talk me into breathing. Sure did put a big smile on my face. Thanks, Donuel!

Thanks, Sins and Jacqui,too. The anaemia is no longer a problem, nothing seems to be except still using the O2 during the day and that, I think, is mostly because I forget to breath deeply enough and need to lose about ten pounds more to be where I was when I got sick and didn't have to use it during the day.

It was the bully doc whom I got rid of who was really causing the fear. The cardio just kind of stepped in it without thinking, i think. I feel nervous about seeing him because of what went on, then. He never called me back to get the echo, so I know he doesn't think I am in dire straits...it's just some ptsd, imo, that is coming up from last summer. Yes, I think it is cathartic to write about it. I am most gratefull to you, my friends, for listening.

I do wonder if zoloft can make a person feel more depressed than not, when the levels are raised. I'll call the pharmacist and ask him; he is a very knowledgable guy and will get me an answer faster than my doc. Right now all i feel like doing is eating lunch and taking a nap. Morgan hasn't called to come over and I know I should call him...he wouldn't enjoy it much anyway, right now.

Thanks, again,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:11 PM

I'm in your corner too, kat. Breathe, smile, know you are loved.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:23 PM

MAy not be the drug you need kat.   But I gotta' tell you that hangin' around here can be a bit depressing lately with at least a half dozen 'Catters going through "something."   Add to that your upcoming visits.............Yeah......You know you're not alone in that particular "panic."   I have several upcomings in the next couple of weeks with cardio, pulmonary, urology, and my new family Doc with CAT scans, x-rays, bloodwork, etc...........and I am becoming a wreck myself. Taxes are upcoming, we need some costly repairs around the house...............I hold onto Karen and have her tell me we'll get through it all because we always have and it helps a little.

Tough times........Take whatever feels good and ride the hell out of it.


Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:25 PM

I am still here with you, Kat darlin. I rather like Donuel's, parables. I think they are lovely.

TSO's mum was having issues with anemia along with a hiatus hernia. She did not experience the hernia as heartburn, but as an annoying niggling cough. Doc ordered endoscopy and barium xray. Doc was about to order colonscopy because she feared lower gastrointestinal bleed - the upper GI tract did not show any bleed.

The Mum in law did not want the colonscopy and kicked the hernia and the anemia by laying off the coffee, caffeine tea, red wine and all sugar for a while. She also swallowed chopped up clove raw garlic everyday with a glass of water. She is 82 and her doc was amazed that hernia eased and anemia went away. She did not take any iron tablets. Feels much better, though she misses her Earl Grey.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Will Fly
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 02:47 PM

Kat - I've been looking over this thread and then thinking about how lucky I am: retired in comfort, a wonderful wife of 43 years, a marvellous son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren, good (mainly) health, musical appetite (however you rate it) undimmed, creativity (however you rate it) also undimmed.

Life has been good, and I can't complain. So, I'm going to take some of this luck and pass it to you, dear Kat. You've been very complimentary about my YouTube stuff on several occasions, so I've done a little dedication to you on this tune. (Check the "more info" link...).

Keep those spirits up!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:35 PM

Eyup. There is very little that is not helped at least a little bit by a good, deep breath:)

(Wonderful stories, Don.)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:37 PM

Will, how lovely, esp. that smile at the end! Thank you so much! Considering what I've been through in my life, I do feel lucky, most of the time, but I need to gather some more, so yours is certainly welcome!

Oh, Spawdarlin'...that's what I do with Rog. Have him hold me and tell me everything's going to be alright. And, I know what you mean about this place, recently. I figure the new therapist might give homework of staying off Mudcat for a day or two to see if I can!:-)

Rog will be at the cardio's with me and will remember all of things I don't.

maeve, Dear One, thank you so much, from amidst your own tragedy, you turn and give to a friend. Amazing woman, you are.

VTam, thanks for the info, but there is no anaemia now. I took care of it, partly by taking Folic Acid. It works much faster and better and is safer than iron tabs which I do not take.

Rog came home for lunch so I feel a little less isolated and lonely. A little better. Still haven't call my little guy and I feel badly about that. I feel a bunch of responsibility to have him over as often and as long as possible because I don't like some of the influences at home. (Another thing to talk with the therapist about because I know I can't change it.) Too much video games, esp. World Warcraft and too much tv and movies. Last night he and his "dad" watched Behind Enemy Lines...NOT something I think a 6 year old should see! My daughter knows better...she was at work, but knows what they watched. Bah! I've gone on too long. I'll do the meds until I see the new therapist and get started on really tackling this stuff.

Thanks, again, my dear friends, for listening.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 03:57 PM

Thanks, Janie, for everything.

(cross-posted:-)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 04:16 PM

Dearest Kat, you have been so supportive to me and to so many others here. I'm grateful that you reach out when you need a little back. Here am I, joining the bunch who are stopping in to offer a hug, a smile, a story, a song- me, I'm not good for much except a little company today. Love you, my dear!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: RoyH (Burl)
Date: 21 Jan 10 - 04:24 PM

Hello Kat.Greetings, good wishes, prayers and virtual hugs from over the sea. Think clouds, think silver linings. Burl.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 01:51 AM

love & hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: LilyFestre
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 02:06 AM

(((((((((((((kat)))))))))))))))

Check your PM.


:) Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 08:22 AM

We really do need to set a day and time and convene a circle of Mudcat women to work together on mutual support and strength. Who's in? How do we set a time? Just 15 minutes of being together.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 08:28 AM

I'm in - just give me a time.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 10:23 AM

Count me in also. Early in the morning or rather late at night would work best for me. Or a Sunday, anytime.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:09 PM

I am in, if I am able.

I just spoke to my new doc's nurse. What a nice person and what a nice change from the fortress my old doc has built up around himself.

She is going to give my new doc the notes she just made of what I told her re' zoloft and the increased dose. She will have her call me this afternoon so we can talk about it and perhaps change meds. I'm not happy about doing that because of my sensitivity to drugs and I hate trying out new ones, but I am not sure zoloft is right for me, as some of you have noted.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:13 PM

So...maybe I should start a thread, set a time and get us all humming in unison?

How about Sunday at 4PM Mudcat time? That's 9PM UK and 1PM west coast.
What do you think?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:40 PM

Could we make it 4:15? I just had a cancellation for tonight that I had to reschedule for Sunday at 3:00 -   just in case the session runs a little over?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:43 PM

May I join as well? 4:15 would work for me...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 12:46 PM

I hated Zoloft, Paxil and that other leading brand. They turn you into a Zombie.
Kat, when you get knocked down the best thing is to get up swinging.However, if you get knocked UP, well......all bets are off.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 01:54 PM

Kendall, been there, done that and still have the three kids to prove it!:-) I don't feel like a zombie, but I don't feel right... or left.:-)

415p Mudcat time would be fine for me, too.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 02:55 PM

Good time for me.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 03:50 PM

Well, I started a Mudcat Women Meditation Thread but the BS didn't take. It is above the line. So far DebC and I are in.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 03:51 PM

LOL
Now it's below the line. I asked Joe to move it. He's fast!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 04:05 PM

It's above the line again.
I'm getting seasick.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 04:22 PM

Afternoon, Kat. Hope you find all that is enjoyable in it.

Janie

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 04:42 PM

Thanks, Janie. Sins has given me some smiles.

I love the Mudcat Sisters Meditation idea and will do my best. When we help others, we help ourselves, right?

I think maybe I need to be more patient. This afternoon I have been able to "get it together" for the first time, really, in ages, to do some paperwork. It's a lot of financial data I need in order to apply for a discount at the hospital for ongoing charges (doc copays, coumadin clinic, etc.) They are very intrusive and it's a bit like doing taxes. I haven't been up for it and couldn't even think of looking at it, let alone do it. Well, this afternoon I have gone printed them all out from our bank online and Roger's employer's website. Next I have to calculate all medical and pharmacy paid charges for last year. When I get done, doing the taxes should be a piece of cake! I called the gal at the hospital yesterday when they were supposed to have received our docs. I told her about depression and anxiety so she gave me a couple of more weeks.

I think I also feel greatly relieved just having called my doc and spoken to her nurse.

Thanks, my friends, as always, for listening and being here.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 05:17 PM

I'm having real trouble with posts that disappear. I'm still holding you in love, my dear- savor each accomplishment!

I'll be with you Sunday at 4:15 Mudcat time!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 06:08 PM

Thanks, Animaterra...maybe your messages are under the pile of wood?:-)

I love our new doc! She just called me from home. I was so concerned about so many things. She is calm, kind, not in a rush, apologised when ehr neighbour dropped by for a second, so she called me back. I told her it is refreshing to meet a doc who is committed to time with her family as well as being there for patients.

Anyway, we've agreed to give the zoloft some more time...it is the source of the GI discomfort, but that should pass (no pun intended!) and I should feel better mood-wise. Everyone keeps reminding of it taking time. She also said she's has some pts. who had to bump it up to 150mg or even 200mg to get any effects. I am determined not to have to do that!

She also confirmed the new therapist is really good. Very direct...will identify what needs work, give some solutions to work on and expects you to do so. She was really pleased to hear I will be giving him a try.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: CapriUni
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 06:08 PM

Just found this thread, today, Kat.

First things first: {{{KAT}}} Hugs.

Second: I know we've been full out with others who have been in much more need

Ah, I know that Brain-refrain well, and boy, it sure does get to be a tired chorus! So I'll remind you, just as I remind myself:

"This is not a misery contest. There's no grand judge out there, measuring each person's need. And when we have a need, no matter how 'big' or 'small,' it is a good thing to ask for help."

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 06:12 PM

"We really do need to set a day and time and convene a circle of Mudcat women to work together on mutual support and strength. Who's in?"

I'm out. I have a penis.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 22 Jan 10 - 06:47 PM

Ah...maybe we can have a adjunct group for the guys?

CU, thanks so much, esp. for the reminder!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 04:21 PM

Things have been a lot better. But, I would like to ask for a few supportive thoughts for tomorrow afternoon around 545p Mudcat time. I have a yearly with the cardiologist. I actually will be seeing his PA who is really good and a woman, so that is GOOD.

After the fiasco last summer being bullied by my now ex-PCP, going to the cardio, then, who said we needed to check for "loose stitches" around the new heart valve, I really don't want to be involved with male docs at the moment! (He had them make an appt. for a echo three weeks from the day I saw him.) After all of the anxiety was spent, Rog and I both decided he wasn't serious as he would have sent me to hospital right then and there. So I cancelled the echo.

Tomorrow will routine ekg in the office, etc. Rog will be with me.

Thanks!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 04:28 PM

will try to remember to think at you before my bedtime which is just before you see the doc.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 04:33 PM

WE'll be here melove.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 04:36 PM

Always here for you, Miss Kitty. Try not to stress out about it.
Think about Morgan's upcoming CD.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 05:46 PM

Ah, a triumverate from the ES! Thanks, my Sisters.:-)

Morgan's CD, yes, well...seems the school sent him home, today. THEY claim he has chickenpox, but he's been vaccinated. So, I will not see him today. Will wait until he goes to the doc. He seems fine.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: LilyFestre
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 05:50 PM

I will absolutely keep you in my thoughts!!!

And I love when Jacqui says, "We'll be here, melove" because it's the absolute truth.

((((((((((Hugs for strength, peace and good news)))))))))))))

Much Love,

Michelle

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Rowan
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 06:11 PM

All the best, kat.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 07:21 PM

good wishes & hugs from me, to

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 07:36 PM

Of course, kat. I'll keep you in mind.

maeve

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 08:28 PM

You go, girl!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 09:53 PM

Blessings through the night....

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 10:29 PM

Thank you, my dear friends. I may have goofed. I didn't get a phone message from the cardio's office until this evening. They wanted to confirm and asked me to call them back. Well...I can't call them until 9a, so I may have to reschedule. So, maybe hold those thoughts, please, and I'll get back to you, though could still be on for tomorrow.

luvya and thanks!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 11:13 PM

Naw, we'll send them anyway, and more later to boot!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Feb 10 - 11:20 PM

Thanks!!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 02:40 AM

it's probably not good to hold back Good Wishes!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 05:11 AM

Keep us posted on the schedule - I'll "check in" this evening (my time) anyway.

> Rog will be with me.

So will we. All the way.

{{Kat}}

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 07:51 AM

You have my warm loving thoughts every day. I'm turning up the volume and joining the circle of love for you!

If it IS at the time you said, I'll be on my way to my wonderful womens' chorus rehearsal and will sing to you all evening through. (prolly do that anyway!)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 08:00 AM

Good morning, Miss Kitty. We await the news of your appointment and continue to send happy thoughts.
Looking back at your posts from late January, it does look as if you are coming out of the worst of your slump. Keep doing what you are doing.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 11:03 AM

If you have any problems with any of the medicos
just look at this thread and remember that the Evil Sisterhood is here at your command.:o)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maire-aine
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 11:09 AM

Sending good thoughts/wishes your way....

M

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 11:28 AM

You know, Jacqui, other than inflicting tours of the Christmas Tree Shop and the resulting hideobilia on unsuspecting visitors to Maine, we haven't done any serious harm to anyone. Kendall doesn't count. We plan, we scheme, we plot and in the end we make people happy. What are we doing wrong? And what are you promising Bobert?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 11:34 AM

You don't think that the hideobilia is enough? I don't think that we have really been trying to do the worst we can.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 11:49 AM

It is on for today. Thanks Mudcatters!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 12:01 PM

I will be on my way home from work and thinking of you, kat.
Mary

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Pistachio
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 03:58 PM

Adding my best wishes - hope they're of some use?
Hazel.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 04:19 PM

bed time prayer wish for Katlaydee coming up.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 04:56 PM

Thinking about you now Kat.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 06:26 PM

And??????

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 07:48 PM

Gee whiz, you're like a puppy that needs to pee!:-)

We got back just a little bit ago. They are happy with me in that I am 12 pounds less than when they saw me a year ago, despite all the prednisone and crap last summer.

They did an ICG, which is way better than an EKG, I guess, because it tells them a whole bunch of stuff about how the heart is working. She said they don't focus on just one of the measurements, but consider them all together and she was okay with what she saw. It was good.

Turns out I have not had an echo since before surgery which will be five years this May! I know I cancelled a couple for later in the year because of insurance deductibles and then wound up not going, but I don't know why I haven't had ANY at all. So, tomorrow they will call me with an appt. time for that and I'm to go give blood to check on my electrolytes etc. Everything seems to be fine except that I still have to use O2 during the day. I and a couple of other docs think it has mostly to do with the extra twenty pounds gained when I had pneumonia; my lungs sound fine. But, we need to have an echo anyway just because we haven't since the surgery.

I am Health and thank you, my friends.

kat (VTam, I like that spelling!)

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: frogprince
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 08:03 PM

Good to hear, Ms.Kitty!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maire-aine
Date: 09 Feb 10 - 10:54 PM

So glad to hear that. And it must be a relief to you, which will reduce your stress in return.

M

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 07:53 AM

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.... lovely.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 08:00 AM

Just what we've been waiting to hear darlin'.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 08:03 AM

:-)

xxx

{{ }}

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 08:44 AM

more Good Wishes for more Good News

hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Tinker
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 09:44 AM

Good News...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 09:47 AM

My post disappeared. Must have blotted the ink with puppy pee.
Anyway - good news, kat. Very good news.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 10:33 AM

Good news! That's bucked me up no end!

Best wishes,

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Janie
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 10:41 AM

I see my post from last night went on a walkabout.

Very reassuring news to hear, kat.

Breathe it in!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: GUEST,MikeL2
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 10:46 AM

hi kat

Great news

hugz

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 01:40 PM

relieved sigh.... just keep keeping us in the loop, kay?

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: gnu
Date: 10 Feb 10 - 02:06 PM

Good oh!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 10:42 AM

Thanks, everyone!

I see my regular doc, today, to see about changing the zoloft for something that works.

The echocardiogram is scheduled for Monday at 230p Mudcat time. Trying nt to be nervous.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: maeve
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 11:22 AM

Still here, kat.

m

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 11:31 AM

So kat - how long before we see you dancing around with Lily? Morris? Square? Line?
Liz the Squeak can advicse you on how to get the sticky stuff off after the test.
SINS

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: olddude
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 11:33 AM

keep me posted hon,
in my prayers also ... feel better soon
Love Dan

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 03:23 PM

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 07:11 PM

Thanks, friends. A joy to share from today:

Saw my new primary care doc. She is SO good, nice, calm, etc. I mentioned how calm and calming she is...she said she doesn't get upset at anything any more, she's seen it all.:-)

Anyway, she was very positive about how I am doing other than we are going to get me off the zoloft and maybe try something else OR not, depending on what she and the therapist feel with my input. This makes me very happy as the side effects have been getting worse each time we upped the dosage, really effecting my sleep and energy.

Just the echo and bloodwork results to get through now, but I am not anticipating anything but good news. The worry is gone. Thank you all.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: KT
Date: 11 Feb 10 - 10:50 PM

just tuning in here..... Hooray!! Good news, kat! Great jubilation!

KT

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: LilyFestre
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 12:56 AM

It makes a WORLD of difference having a Dr. who is calm and kind, doesn't it? I'm so glad that your doctor is both!!!!

Here's to feeling better, and FANTABULOUS reports!!!!

(((((Hugs & Love)))))))

Michelle who can't sleep because they fussed with her meds so I feel your pain!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: Bugsy
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 03:18 AM

Hey Kat,

I've just stumbled upon this thread and didn't realise what you've been going through these last few months.

Rest assured, I'm sending love, sloppy kisses and bear hugs from the Great Downunder.

luv

Bugsy

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 08:13 AM

Last night I foolishly drankl a Coke - my first in months - after 6PM. Realized it when I simply could not fall asleep. Damn caffeine. No fun counting backwards from 100,000 and reaching 59,998.

KEEP US POSTED ON YOUR zOLOFT REPLACEMENT, KAT. ooopS. dAMN cAPSLOCK...

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 12 Feb 10 - 09:16 AM

Love to you, dear Kat!

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 10:56 AM

Turns out they've decided to keep me on zoloft for a bit more. I am going to talk with them more on Wed.

The nerves could use some calming as I go for the first echo-cardiogram since surgery, almost five years ago, at 230p Mudcat time. Rog will be with me and I am taking my special pillow so I won't get a crick in my neck and shoulder. I don't mind the procedure; it's what it might show, but the other tests say all is well, so I am concentrating on that. Thanks for your help.

love,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: A request from kat - in the home stretch
From: jacqui.c
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 11:52 AM

Still here Kat - I'll keep checking in.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 12:41 PM

Me too...

xx

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 12:47 PM

Always with you, Miss Kitty.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: catspaw49
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 12:48 PM

Nothin' but good thoughts katmyluv.........but you always knew that.

Spaw

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: DougR
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 12:49 PM

kat: just don't let your mind wander to things political concentrate on your music. Think good things!

DougR

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Bill D
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 01:04 PM

Mucho positive thoughts....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Janie
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 01:24 PM

In your corner, dear....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: gnu
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 04:07 PM

Keep the faith.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 05:10 PM

I am back and I was so calm I almost fell asleep! Thank you lot!**bg**

DougeR...thanks for the laugh...politics was far from my mind. I sang little positive songs in my head, throughout (I am walking in the Light; I walk in beauty; and a couple of others.) I also watched and heard all different aspects of my heart. Saw the mechanical valve and heard it, too. It is LOUD. I also saw a shot of all four chambers. It was fascinating what little bit I could identify without bothering the tech too much. Rog watched, too.

Used to be it took longer as they put it all on videotape. Now, they do it all digitally, so they get specific shots, lots of them, the doc can bounce around looking at them, comparing, etc. without having to rewind the tape, etc.

Also turns out they normally order an echo six months after surgery which never happened with me.

I do visualizations of my heart, too. My current one is of a beautiful red rose about halfway open. In the centre is my darling grandson, Morgan, with a beautiful smile looking right at me. I could just see that in my mind's eye whilst there.

Mudcatters are awesome! Thank you, so much. I will keep you posted, but do not anticipate anything untoward just as the cardio's PA said.

love yew,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 05:21 PM

Well, I missed the whole thing, spending the day with my daughter and taking her back to college. But my day was filled with love and laughter, and some of it surely radiated your way. I'm so glad it came out the way it did- I LOVE the image of the rose-Morgan-heart.

Bless you, dear.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 05:39 PM

Sounds like you handled things just fine. And for once I agree with DougR--don't think about politics at a time like that!

I had an orthodontist appointment one morning and they put me in that nice comfy chair to wait for the next dentist or assistant to come adjust my wires and the room was dim and I was out like a light. . . I woke to hear the dentist chuckling in the doorway. I think they probably don't mind if you're so relaxed that you'll sleep, Kat! It's a good sign.

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Fe
From: KT
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 06:18 PM

Wonderful, kat ! Yours is a beautiful, wonderful heart, it is! But we all knew that.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 06:53 PM

All good news and a nap besides. LOL
SINS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 08:00 PM

Not just one nap! I didn't realise how much energy I used up. I remember lying down about 430p or so...didn't wake up until Rog came strolling in almost at 6p!

Thank you, Dear Ones.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: olddude
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 08:09 PM

I am so glad you are ok Kat, I don't know how I missed this thread. Gosh can't see anymore ... So glad you are ok

Love Dan

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: LilyFestre
Date: 15 Feb 10 - 09:57 PM

YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's over and it sounds like you did GREAT!!!!!


(((((Many hugs and happy thoughts for you!!!)))))))))

Much love,

Michelle

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 12:16 AM

an excellent way to approach a test - and good results, too!

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Fe
From: Janie
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 12:21 AM

*smile*

Ya dun good, gurl.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: ClaireBear
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 02:27 AM

Sorry I missed all the excitement; I've been out of town. Blessings on you, Kat. Be well!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 05:46 AM

Keep up the good work, Kat!

Best wishes,

Peter

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: fat B****rd
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 06:48 AM

Best thoughts, take care. Charlie

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: freda underhill
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 06:59 AM

Kat, what a process to go through. Your beautiful big heart needs some peace and music now. Lots of love to you from the other side of the planet

xxxx freda

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 10:34 AM

Clair, it sounds like Kat missed the "excitement" also!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: alanabit
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 12:17 PM

One more vote for Kat. You have quite a fan club out here in cyberspace!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 12:37 PM

Well now you all are making me blush.:-) Thanks, again, my friends.

I forgot to say, all day before the test and while we were driving to the test, I also had Max in my head singing Oh Glory How Happy I Am (youtube video). Talented kid, ain't he? The part which kept running through my head was the title line, BUT, I thought it was "You don't know how happy I am!"

Thanks, again, so very much.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: DougR
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 03:34 PM

That's great news, kat, and you got an additional weapon you never had if Rog ever accuses you (I'm sure he never would though)of beaing heartless! You can just scream, "I do so, and I know! I SAW the damn thing!"

DougR

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 03:44 PM

AACKK!! wha' did I miss?!?!?!


Must read back

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 16 Feb 10 - 03:47 PM

aawww.... like the imagery of your heart, Kat.

Fantastic that you are calm and you had good rest. I wait with others for more news.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: jacqui.c
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 09:43 AM

What good news! I am so glad that it went so well - I love your visualisation.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 11:18 AM

Oh, glory, dear kat, I'm happy for you! (great song, and I look forward to the vid when I have the time...)

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 11:44 AM

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Oh wait....It wasn't the Clap. it was an echo.....and you did very well so never mind...............


Spaw

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 11:52 AM

Cripes, Peaches, how long did it take you to do that without any typos!? Thanks!

Thanks to the rest of you, too! DougeR...you've me laugh twice in this thread, be careful...might get labelled a "softie" like me!**bg**

love you all,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: SINSULL
Date: 17 Feb 10 - 03:59 PM

To the top. Join the other wounded warriors with good news.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 04:28 PM

I gave in and call the cardio, today, as he had not called me and it's been over a week. The PA was going to call me back, but he called himself!

Anyway, the echo didn't show anything particularly new except that we have a better working valve (big surprise, eh!) The plan is to keep doing what we are with meds, weight, and exercise, all of which are helping and I go see him in August for an annual. Thanks for being here with me!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: maire-aine
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 04:29 PM

That sounds good, right? Hope you continue improving.

Maryanne

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 04:43 PM

yeppers, kittyKat... keep on keepin on.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 04:53 PM

Great news, kat. Congratulations.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 07:37 PM

what everyone said

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 07:55 PM

Oh, yay! Keep on keeping on, dear mudsister!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Feb 10 - 09:05 PM

Yes, thanks to you all! I may have sounded a little unsure or circumspect. Suffice it to say, the echo wasn't any different from the last one, pre-surgery except for very important fact there is a well-working new aortic valve with no loose stitches! (Last summer the cardio scared me with THAT as an excuse to get an echo which I said no to!)

Anyway, it IS good news because it means my heart has held its own and NOT enlarged any more than it was before. He also agreed with me that the losing weight and exercise will help regardless.

My other doc and therapist are working with me to get off of the zoloft. I will be going for biofeedback next Monday. I am really happy about that!

Thanks, again,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 25 Feb 10 - 08:27 AM

Sounds encouraging, kat. Best wishes for further recovery.

RtS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: jacqui.c
Date: 25 Feb 10 - 08:35 AM

what good news Kat. Keep it coming.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: SINSULL
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 03:19 PM

Good news, Miss Kitty. Doesn't it feel good to be right?
SINS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram today16 Feb
From: gnu
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 03:29 PM

Good to hear.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram 16 Feb 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 07:39 AM

How are you feeling today?

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram 16 Feb 2010
From: olddude
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 09:14 AM

It is so good to hear that you are feeling better, you scared me Hon
please take care of yourself

Love dan

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram 16 Feb 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 09:39 AM

As Dan says - take care of yourself, we need you here.

xxxxx

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram 16 Feb 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 10:10 AM

I think she scared Roger too. He delivered a dozen roses as a pre-celebration of their anniversary. Very neat.
M

Subject: RE: A request from kat- echo-cardiogram 16 Feb 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 03:22 PM

I think he was afraid he would forget it, Sins! We'd just been talking about it the night before. He says he thought it was two days ago and that's why he brought me flowers. He did seem genuinely surprised at my surprise since he does usually bring me some small plant, but never a dozen red roses! I guess thirty years counts for something!:-) He is also taking tomorrow off, so we'll have a three day weekend. THAT is a real treat as he never takes a day off!

I am doing so much better, my friends. Thank you, so much. The therapist doesn't need to see me for two weeks, when I will be totally OFF the zoloft which really elates me. As soon as we decided I would go off of it my state of mind was much better...relieved and eager to do so. The side effects: restless legs, low grade headache for much of each day/night, upset GI necessitating OTC remedy on a daily basis also causing lack of sleep, jerkiness, and sleepiness which has kept me from driving at all until today when Morgan and I went a short distance and back with no problem.

I've had my second biofeedback session. It is all based on breathing..when we get my breathing slowed down, on a very gradual basis, that will turn off the stimulation to the various nervous systems which cause anxiety, depression, and/or panic, plus muscle tension. It seems silly at first; I've had so many years of meditation with long, deep breaths..now I am learning to slow even that down and how to apply it a different way. I think it is going to do much more than just keep me off of drugs for those conditions.

I have been doing so much more than before; just feeling much more positive and happy. I will see the therapist and biofeedback gal in two weeks. Still need to work on mental motivation, but that is what the therapist and I are working on.

Thank you all, very, very much!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Thanks! 11 March 2010
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 12:56 PM

News this good is worth bumping up to the top again - I didn't get any real time yesterday to computerfy, so am catching up today. What a lovely thing to read Kat's very welcome message.

Take good, good care of yourself -

B xxx

{§§§}
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[that hieroglyphic is meant to be a virtual red rose...]

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Thanks! 11 March 2010
From: Rowan
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 05:31 PM

my heart has held its own and NOT enlarged any more than it was before

Just as well. Always thought you had a great heart anyway, quite big enough for all of us.

Cheers, Rowan

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Thanks! 11 March 2010
From: Dharmabum
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 09:12 AM

Great news Kat.
For all the positive energy you've created here at the cat,here's some back at you.

DB.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Thanks! 11 March 2010
From: LilyFestre
Date: 13 Mar 10 - 12:29 PM

Just a big fat MWAH to you!!!!!

:) I always knew you had a big heart!!!

XOXOXO

Michelle

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 01:54 AM

Mid-high drama/trauma in my family concerning our son, Colin, has caused me a bit more anxiety than I have felt in a long time. I haven't had any zoloft since last Friday and have been doing really well. Still take a xanax at night, but getting short amounts of good, solid sleep. (I also have biofeedback and therapist appts on Thursday.)

Now, in the past couple of days, I have found it hard to focus and to empty my mind. I feel he will be okay, but he is going through hard changes, having to move out of the home he shared with what he thought was going to be the love of his life and her son whom he loves so much. This was not unexpected in some parts, but still a shock to him. There is responsibility on both their parts which brought them to this. He has an appt. with a counsellor on the 31st, but in the meantime I have great concern over the meds his doc is prescribing for him, knowing he has an addictive personality, two antidepressants + valium + blood pressure medicine and possibly others, plus he drinks too much. So far, he has managed to keep his business going. I don't know how either of them will afford to live apart, but there ya go.

It has been intense for me as he has called daily to talk and get my input and she has called a few times, too. I have been practising tough love to some extent because I recognise I do not have the energy for too much without depleting my resources AND because I've had too much experience with another family member who gets into a round robin of depression and what ifs. (And, because, bless it! I have been doing so well and will NOT give that up!) I won't go down that road anymore and I've told my son. If they have a real crisis, again (as in a week ago Sat. night), I've told them to go to urgent care or call 911. They both know I love them and also I have to protect myself, first and foremost.

Regardless, today kind of put me over the edge and I find too many thoughts of their futures roiling around in my head, so please send whatever calm, peace, etc. you are able to me and to Colin, Melissa, and Patrick (8 years old) Her mom is trying to help, too, but she is in Minnesota. These are all really good people...it's just sad that they got to this point.

Thanks so much, my friends.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 07:39 AM

Oh, my love- calm thoughts, deep breaths, candles burning, love flowing your way.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 07:58 AM

Thinking of you melove. Please put yourself first here- for everyone's sake.

xxxxxxx

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 08:28 AM

So sorry kat. Our children are always our babies and our first reaction is to jump in and make it all better.
We can't.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Your health has been a real issue lately and you finally seem to be on the way to recovery.
Hard as it is to say "No", it is often best for all concerned. These are adults with the responsibility of a child. Let them be adults and handle their own problems.
Listen, love and take care of yourself.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 08:38 AM

you've said no, & let no be no.

sending lots of love to you & your family

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Tinker
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 08:49 AM

Not a one of us can truly love others if we don't first love ourselves.... Particularly when you are all struggling with the depth of emotion you has worked so hard to stabilize, remember you are a role model as well as a mother. Burn our is never a good life choice.

I actually listened to my own advice and spent last weekend on a silent retreat...
Let's see if this will let you share a bit of the magic....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 201
From: Janie
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 10:04 AM

Thinking of all of you Kat.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: olddude
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 10:06 AM

Love you Kat
in my thoughts and prayers

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 10:21 AM

Have you suggested they try to find a family or couples counseling facility? I wouldn't advise a church (unless maybe the Unitarians have something going!) but look into their municipality, county, or state. See if this is something they can work out with some help. If both of them are calling you, clearly they need to talk to someone, and if it is someone in their immediate vicinity with good training, that might push this tipping point into the background. Even if they have to spend some money out of pocket for a few weeks to go to a private counselor, it will be money well-spent. Some of the government supported counseling is paid for on a sliding scale.

Good luck to all of you!

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 11:11 AM

Thank you, my friends, for your care and help. I did get some sleep, after an extra xanax, so got my mind to let go for a few hours of good sleep.

Tink, you have such an artistic eye for Nature's beauty; I shouldn't be surprised. Thank you for that respite and peace. I got *lost* in the photos for quite a bit.

SRS, they went to a counsellor last year, but had to stop due to finances and lack of insurance. He will be going to a county/state run facility counsellor on the 31st. I think she has just set her mind on him not being there, I don't know if it would do much good, BUT I have told them I think they should go, together, for help, regardless of what happens. I know they do love one another.

Sins, you have been in my mind...your example...I know you've been through a lot with your son and I am keeping your example in mind. You are an inspiration for me.

Everyone, thank you so very much. I love you all.

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 11:19 AM

Ah kat. You should see me when I just sit down and cry. It is as hard for me as it is for you. Happy to inspire. I just don't want you to think that you should be handling it better than you are. It doesn't get easier but you do get a little more comfortable doing what is in your best interests.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 11:43 AM

Thanks, Sins. I have not been able to cry since last October...I think my bod/mind/spirit just didn't have the energy to expend. Last night, an early b-day card my sister sent actually brought some tears. She'd written a short note about how time flies and some memories when I was a baby. It just went straight to my heart and I cried and cried...missing her, feeling a bit older which has never bothered me and the stuff going on with Colin. Thank goodness Rog was here and understood.

I will be better, too, when Morgan comes over, again. He's had a bad cold or strep, so has been home...we haven't seen him since Sunday. He goes to the doc today, so I hope he will not be contagious and can come over tomorrow. I will not have him over if there is any danger of passing on whatever he has.

Thanks, again,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 12:53 PM

I am doing a happy dance, for the moment. Morgan just called and is on his way over. He is not contagious...just has a swollen lymph gland. He's missing Mama as much as she is missing him. There's going to be a great big hug in a few moments! I can re-energise thanks to you all and him. Still taking a tough love approach to the others, though, not to worry.:-)

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 01:24 PM

I can just see him dancing around your kitchen pouring sunshine everywhere he goes. Morgan is magic - for those of you who haven't seen pictures of him. One big ray of sunshine.
AUNTIE SINS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Ebbie
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 01:29 PM

Tinker, that video of clear water sloshing peacefully at your feet... it's lovely. The sight and sound takes me back to all the rivers I have known.

{{{{{kat}}}}}}

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: ClaireBear
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 02:05 PM

Most versions of this song are too Christian for some tastes, but I think this particular one transcends belief systems and focuses on spirit. It might come in handy next time you'd like it if someone was there to help:

Angels Watching Over Me

Brightest blessings on you, Kat. You are loved.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: ranger1
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 02:23 PM

Hugs for you, my dear one. PM or call if you need to, I'm a good listener.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: mouldy
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 02:28 PM

Thinking of you.
It's true, they are still your babies, no matter what age they are.

First and foremost you MUST have a care for yourself, or else all your good work will be undone, and you will not have the strength to help them, even IF you wanted to. I think you have done the right thing to step back (although it must be so hard).
Your little ray of sunshine will be your lifebelt, I think!

Much love
Andrea

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Dharmabum
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 06:26 PM

Thinking about you Kat.
Sending positive thoughts.

DB.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: open mike
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 08:01 PM

i have an image of the instructions from an airplane..
"put on your own air mask first, then help children apply theirs"
such is the logic for life on the ground, as well...

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Tinker
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 09:14 PM

It's been a long day here but it sounds as if the sun broke through in the course of the day....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 09:34 PM

I've been thinking about you ever since we talked last and I keep trying to think of something that can help but too often the world is what it is.........and that kinda' sucks. Just be encouraged by all your friends here...........but you knew that. And grab hold of Morg every chance you get......but you knew that too.

The problem here is you already know the stuff.   

Hang in.....We got your back...........


me

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 201
From: KT
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 10:06 PM

katdarlin'.....hugs to you~

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: olddude
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 10:16 PM

Kat
do you are Rog want to take a weekend up in the rockies and stay at my kids cabin. It is beautiful there, you know and it is not very far from you and their cabin is beautiful. You could unwind and clear your mind ... PM me if you want

Dan

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Mar 10 - 11:36 PM

Oh, my friends. I am glad at least to know I can still cry, even at the good stuff like your love and kind offers.

Dan, I'd love that, but at this point I don't feel I could travel, comfortably, any length of time and my Rog is low on energy right now. It is so kind and sweet of you to offer. You have touched my heart and made it full, as the rest of you have, also.

My son understands my fragility and is trying to soldier on without being too intense. I only spoke to him, briefly, today, to find he did go to the job he had lined up and got back okay. I was really concerned about his driving, esp. as it was to a remote, palatial show house up a very muddy mtn. with narrow, switchback roads and his service van only has rear-wheel drive. He had to use chains last time he went there. He's having to travel a lot. He was in Aspen the first of the week. I am grateful for each day he is able to function and keep his business running, though he is thinking of getting a full-time job, again, and just keeping his hand in, part-time, so he is sure of a steady income.

I have felt a bit down and anxious tonight. Rog and I were out of sorts with one another, but bless him, he did take the dog and I for a short walk at a park; the dog's leash in one hand, my O2 tank with line in the other. Sometimes I even stop to sniff and wish I could cock a leg to pee like the dog!**bg** If I didn't see the humour, the tears would soon be too much.

Wisdom of Morgan - the Half Pint Sage: The other day we were talking about grandparents dying. I told him I want to see him grad. from high school, college, and maybe I'd be a great-grandma some day, that's why I've been working on losing weight and getting fit. A couple of days before we were talking about eating and how much I've lost (over 40lbs in two years) and he said, "The more weight you lose, the more life you have!" Today, talking about sticking around, he reworked it and said, "The more healthy food you eat, the more life you have!" THIS is one of my fav. pix of him, taken last summer; it was a pure Joy moment. I'll scan in some new ones, soon. There is quite a difference, in some ways, from 5 to 6 and being such a "worldly" student, now.:-)

Spawdarlin'...can we send these godblessed elephants back, do ya think?! I could do with a nice, steadier ride on something more sedate.:-)

Thank you, ALL. It helps so much just to share with you.

luvyakathleenmissinghermomanddadtonight

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Ebbie
Date: 25 Mar 10 - 01:47 AM

Wow! kat, that boy shares your spirit!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 25 Mar 10 - 06:48 AM

Morgan the Philosopher King- love him, and love you, dear! Just popping in to remind you that I'm here and thinking of you even when I don't post...

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 25 Mar 10 - 10:42 PM

Same here dear...

(((xXx)))

LTS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:42 AM

great pic of Morgan

sandra (sending more hugs & love to you)

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:45 PM

I love Open Mike's analogy. Gotta love that Morgan Man too.

What was it Aunt Eller said in musical Oklahoma? Life gives ya good things and life gives ya bad things and you just have to say "Oh well" to them both.

Or sumfin like that. Take good care of you, LadyKat. Then you will have more to give to others.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 04:03 PM

Thank you, my friends. Things have calmed down, for the moment which is all we have really, the Now, right? I ought to have more to share after tonight. Apparently Colin & Melissa are to talk this evening. I didn't get much sleep so am off for a nap, now. Not sure if Morgan will be over or not. He and his dad were downtown after school and his mom gets home early, today, so I suspect he'll just stay home.

I found a fun-keep-my-mind-off-of-things site...keep an eye out for a thread on science experiments.:-) Morgan will love it.

Can't remember if I said I had a great session at biofeedback and, also, at therapy. Both are happy with where I am at and I am zoloft free!!

More as I know. Love you,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 07:41 PM

yah!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- Family glitch 24 March 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 08:28 PM

Please send whatever you can to our son, Colin, and his girlfriend, Melissa. He has not done well...has been using anti-depressants and valium and alcohol. It has come to a head, as we all suspected it would. She is either taking him to hospital, if he will go, or calling emergency services to remove him from their house. It can no longer go on the way it is, for either of them.

Please understand, I don't have the energy nor desire to relate all of what has been done to help, including tough love, nor to answer lots of questions. We know it is a cry for help and slow suicide, well maybe not so slow if it isn't stopped, and he does have a counselling appt. this Wed. but, of course that may be moot. I am okay...I was strong with him on the phone earlier, today, and just now with her. She has my support and love, as does he, but not for the self-destructiveness. She is making the right decision.

May the Light surround them and guide them through this time. I give thanks for this or something better for the highest good of all concerned. So mote it be.

Thank you, my friends,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: maeve
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 08:32 PM

Here, Kat; waiting with you in whatever way I can.

m

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 09:27 PM

Whatever is in my power to do....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Michael Harrison
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 09:46 PM

A lot of prayers and good thoughts have been coming down here to our house, both to me and my wonderful wife, Kelly, who now has to burden the whole of keeping our ship financially and physically afloat. We will share and direct those to your house, too. God bless. harrison

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 09:55 PM

Thank you, my friends. Melissa just called to let me know he is now in hospital; they were checking his vitals when she left to take care of herself and collect her son from his friend's house. Thank goodness he didn't see or hear any of this, today. For now, Colin is safe and being cared for...that's all we can ask for at this point. It is still going to have to be him who wants to change and uses the tools available. We'll see where it goes after this day. It could be a long night for him, but I am sure there will be some sense of relief, too. I know without health insurance (he couldn't afford his Cobra payments) he didn't want to go in, but was also crying out about being so severely depressed. I am giving thanks for Melissa and her strength and love of him as well as all of you and family.

In gratitude and peace,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Ebbie
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:05 PM

{{{{{{{W I D E hug}}}}}}}

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 10:56 PM

Well, I just typed an update and it didn't take, got lost. I can't do it all right now, but he is refusing to stay in hospital and insisting he will go home. The hospital folks have deemed him fit to go home to detox (which he will not do according to past behaviour) and hadn't even notified his doc. I put a bug in their ear so maybe they will try to keep him. I have to let it go, tonight and take care of myself.

Thanks for any and all assistance,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar
From: Janie
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:05 PM

Love and Light to all of you, Kat.

Janie

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar
From: KT
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:55 PM

Exactly what Janie said.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 01:41 AM

sending love & hugs to Colin & Melissa & Kat & everyone

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: fat B****rd
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 05:32 AM

More kind regards and best thoughts to you and yours, Kat. X

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 07:25 AM

Waves of love...

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 07:59 AM

Thinking of you all my friend.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:33 AM

Here with you, my friend. I am thinking sensible logical things at the medicos, insisting they see the need to hold Colin over in hospital. Thinking some hope in the direction of Colin. Seems that is the ingredient he is missing about now.


hugs to you, dear one.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 08:36 AM

Stay strong, kat. This is a mother's worst nightmare. It doesn't matter if they are 16 or 40.
I keep you in my prayers.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Tinker
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 09:17 AM

Arms open to hold you.....all of our physical health stuff pales... welcome the morning

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:26 AM

I'm reading along, fingers crossed that he gets the help he needs. As someone with my own family loose cannon to worry about, I'm afraid I don't have any tried and true advice. We haven't sorted out how to help our sibling. I also keep my fingers crossed when I read news accounts of some violent assault in that town that he wasn't the culprit. Or the victim, after pissing off the wrong person. Good luck. The moon is full, maybe the crisis will pass soon.

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:07 PM

Thank you, my friends. He did survive the night. Slept in the driveway in his old, cold, uncomfortable Blazer with just a blanket until he went in and got his sleeping bag. I am gratefull he believed Melissa and me when we told him he could not sleep at home, i.e. in the house. He says today is "detox" day and has spoken to an AA friend who said he'd come get him to go to a mtg. Colin said he doesn't want to go open up in front of a group as he will break down and cry. Of course that is something he needs to do. He says he will with the therapist, tomorrow. We talked about his lack of self-love and how everything started going really down hill about nine years ago over a break-up. I know that is true, but I am not sure anything else he says right now. I asked him to please all the AA guy and go to a mtg. It's all I can do...will not get sucked in to the negative.

I actually slept fairly well until about 4a, then I was up and down About ready for a nap, now.:-)

Thank you for your aid, my dears,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar
From: Charley Noble
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 12:37 PM

Kat-

Best to you and your family.

I do hope Colin fully accepts the care and counseling he needs.

Charley Noble

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 05:12 PM

I can't add anything to what everybody else has already said here, only echo it. Thinking of you, wishing you peace and comfort...

xxx

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Maryrrf
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:35 PM

I don't post much nowadays, but I do check in. I hope things progress in the right direction and that things resolve for the highest good.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 30 Mar 10 - 10:39 PM

By tomorrow morning, his doctor who prescribed yet another drug for him, over the phone, without knowing he is drinking, will know he is mixing the meds and alcohol. Not sure what good it will except to keep her from doing any more prescribing without seeing him. She will also know he was in the ER last night. And, so much for "detoxing" at home...he's at it, again, and has to move out by Thursday. My main concern is his 22 year old cat and his other cat. I think there are some options, but not involving me. His bio-father is going to talk with him tomorrow and he has the counselling session tomorrow, if he goes. At this point, I do not believe anything he tells me. I am working on fully and freely releasing him to his highest, surrendering him to the Cosmic. Thank you for you help, all of you Dear Ones.

If I do not answer your PMs please do not be offended or fret...my energy is a bit low right now. Thanks for understanding.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar
From: Genie
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 03:07 AM

Kat, I haven't been online much over the last few days. Just now catching up with your thread. I am sending asking as much good energy, calm, peacefullness, as I can muster. (I have a real cat curled up beside me to help with the calm and peacefulness.) I'm glad you are getting some good suggestions from Janie and others here.

Much love,

Genie

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: mouldy
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 06:56 AM

Sending as much as I can from this side of the pond.

Here's hoping a way can be found to enable him to pour out all that he needs to. He needs to come to realise how much he is loved, shown by all the efforts that are being made on his behalf.

Easier said than done...

Andrea x

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 09:54 AM

Keep yourself whole, do what you can for everyone else and leave the rest to fate. I wish we could give you some solace but we're sending our best wishes for the best possible outcome.
                               Neil and Christina

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: Art Thieme
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 05:04 PM

Kat, Even when we talked recently I had no iidea that all this was going on. I completely lost this thread as it xhxnged and lengthened. Either that or my very real problems with recent memory have blunted my sensitivity. I'm just sorry it's all happening--as is Carol. I''l be thinking of you, and looking in here now that I've finally a bit more aware.

Love to you and Rog,

Art

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 05:47 PM

My Fine Art, you have had a LOT on your plate lately. I didn't expect you to be around much AND I didn't want to add any to your burdens. Just knowing you care, as do the others, is of great solace to me. Thank you all...Neil, there is much solace and many wise words on here which are all helpful. I am most gratefull.

In the past hour, after talking to a triage nurse at Colin's doc's office, I called EMS and requested they do a welfare check and transport him to a place which deals with these kinds of things. He had blown off his first counselling session, was drinking and taking prescription meds. His doc is now fully aware and he will be in good care, at least for the night. I told them he is suicidal, as far as I am concerned, if not quickly, at least slowly, the latter of which he has agreed with when we've talked. He has respect for the place they are taking him and promised to be honest about feeling this is the worst he's ever felt in his life. I only hope he really will be.

For now, I feel relieved and, I hope, the others involved will also. After tonight, we'll just have to see where the chips fall.

Thank you, all, again. I can never say that enough to each and everyone of you.

katonetoughmom!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 07:15 PM

You know you are held in love, my dear. So is Colin and your whole family.


Allison

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 07:23 PM

Still here Kat - hoping for the best.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 31 Mar 10 - 09:44 PM

Thanks for the PMs and offers for phone visits, folks. Right now, I feel kind of talked out, but I know there will be a time, very soon, when I will want to call and have a good visit; I hope with good news to recount.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-please29 Mar 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 07:44 PM

And, here it comes, some good news,...one day at a time, as they say and I know, but my son is at an AA mtg. as I type and I am gratefull! He went home today armed with phone numbers of counsellors, AA folks, and others he can call/see at any time; is seeing his doc, who now knows what he was doing and how serious it is, this coming week; and, has a therapy appt. this coming week, too AND, a commitment to himself and the rest of us to go to AA daily. As he said, that is what worked for him before, for ninety days until he convinced himself he could do it alone (not!) Still don't know if he can stay with Melissa and Patrick until the rental unit is ready on May 1st, (they are supposed to talk tonight) but, for now, he is sober and has taken that first step. He still feels really crappy, physically, and was just going to go to bed and go to a mtg. in the AM, until I reminded him that's what he kept doing and none of us will believe him if he promises and then puts it off. He had offers of rides, etc. no excuses. I am pleased he chose the wise way and went to the mtg.

Thank you, all!

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: gnu
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 08:11 PM

Good news! T&Ps.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 08:26 PM

Oh, Kat, that's good news. One day at a time, indeed, but it looks as though there's a chance this might work. Blessings on you and Colin and everybody!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: olddude
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 09:15 PM

I AM RIGHT HERE FOR YOU ANYTIME KAT
you call anytime

love Dan

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 10:22 PM

Thank you so much, my friends. She came home and had a fit about him being there. By law, he has one more week to get out of there, but she got ugly tonight and threatened him with her "big guns" i.e. "big, ugly guys" who work at the restaurant where she works. I know she did this out of fear and rage, disappointment, etc. and because of her own past experiences with alcohol, but nobody threatens my son; she has lost a friend and support, although I will be civil. I don't believe in kicking someone when they have been so down and vulnerable and then demonstrated they are working on rehab. Oh well. For now, he is in our driveway with his kitties, a SAFE space heater, and a snuggly sleeping bag. He is exhausted, has spoken with a counsellor and we will help him sort out some things, tomorrow, as in where to park his van, where to live, etc.

He just came in to say Melissa is calmed down and told him thank you for not being there, tonight, and apologised for not wanting to speak to me, earlier. She and I have had good communication, so I will continue to keep those lines open, but will be a bit more circumspect than I have been with her.

And, now to a shower, then to bed...wish me sleep, please? Colin, too. Tomorrow morning could get interesting if my daughter calls and Morgan wants to come over...he is not allowed to see Colin as my dau. has been shunning him since a year ago last Christmas. It's fucked up, as far as Rog and I are concerned, but there ya go...we raised them to be independent and she is a stubborn, judgmental person. I hope she grows up someday.

This too shall pass, eh?:-)

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: Art Thieme
Date: 02 Apr 10 - 10:40 PM

Kat,
Someone once said, "Ninety percent of life is just showing up!"

I'm glad he has begun...

Art

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Apr 10 - 12:35 AM

Oy.

Sweet dreams, Kat.

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr
From: Janie
Date: 03 Apr 10 - 01:07 AM

I second Stilly, Kat. Sweet dreams.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 03 Apr 10 - 11:27 AM

hope you and Colin had good rest.


hug

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Apr 10 - 02:51 PM

Thanks for the dream wishes. I had a difficult time settling...finally slept from about 6a-9a when my dau. called to invite us over for the Hunt and it was Nanny Dizzy's bday (the matriarchal pit bull 13 yr old lady) so she got a toy football to puncture and tease us all with. She is such a doll.

There may be a chink in my dau.'s armour...she okay'd Morgan coming over here as long as Colin is out in the caravan, his Blazer, or gone doing stuff. When she heard he is looking for a rental, she offered to talk to the friend whom they helped move yesterday. She had a small cottage downtown with a lease through Aug, which the landlord won't release, and pets are okay, so it may be doable. We'll know more tomorrow when Colin sees how much work he can line up or how quickly he can get unemployment...he's still active, just hasn't needed it recently.

The other good thing, is he did some major decluttering of my caravan as we had tons on empty boxes and stuff in there. Rog helped. It's actually a huge relief that that job has been started. Now, if only my sisters would get their junk out of it!*bg* It is NOT comfy and he will not be staying long, but his cats are familiar with it and needed to get out of his Blazer. There is a bed, lights and heat if he needs it. He cannot be here during the day and no drinking, has to go to AA, counselling, etc. He knows it is that OR he is out to the shelter...his kitties can stay. So far he's been resolved and doing well. Right now, he is over at Melissa's packing his stuff and there was a noon AA mtg. he thought he might get to...otherwise there are others.

Thanks for your continued support, my friends,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 04 Apr 10 - 03:30 PM

Always here for for you, Miss Kitty. Wish I could offer more than an attaboy.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 04 Apr 10 - 06:32 PM

love.........................♥♥♥

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 10:05 AM

Sun's up. Another warm and beautiful day. Hope all is well at the kathouse.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 10:54 AM

Thanks, Sins, 2Ls. Vtam, Janie, and the rest of you. He is up and just taking a shower. Said he didn't feel like doing anything for lack of sleep, but knows he has to go box up the rest of his stuff AND that he cannot be here during the day. Me? I am going back to bed. Third night in a row of no sleep and I've got to replenish. I don't think it is from fretting, rather emotional eating within my WW points, but still adding an .8 of a pound and it is noticeable, plus my body is a little sluggish and won't let me sleep when it gets that way.
Here's hoping he gets his paycheck, lines up more jobs, gets his unemployment, goes to AA, and etc, etc! He has been told staying here hinges on these things and I think he is motivated regardless. The caravan is not the most comfy, ideal situation. Thanks for your help and love, Dear Ones,

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 01:15 PM

Wishing restful sleep and peace to you, that the downtown cottage rental works out for Colin (let us know), and that all the visiting kitties behave themselves. Happy Easter (remember it represents a new beginning).

B xx

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 02:46 PM

Hope things work out Kat - no matter how old our children get to be we still worry about their well being.

Good thoughts coming to all of you from Maine.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Apr 10 - 06:29 PM

It sounds like he's very close to making things work again. Let's hope he manages that one step in front of the other and gets it going this time.

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: Tinker
Date: 06 Apr 10 - 09:05 AM

You've been in my thoughts dear one, but come to find out the body aches which I thought were from being on my feet so much last week preparing for Easter weekend well, it seems I also gave a tick a ride home from my retreat and have Lyme Disease..... As I rest in the sunshine you are in my thoughts....

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 06 Apr 10 - 09:19 AM

what a week, but a lot of hope.

sending more love

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: GUEST,Jaze
Date: 06 Apr 10 - 12:58 PM

Happy belated Birthday, Kat. Hope you're feeling better. James

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: mouldy
Date: 06 Apr 10 - 01:51 PM

More positive thoughts heading over to you!

Andrea x

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 07 Apr 10 - 03:02 AM

still here sending virtual care

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 2 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Apr 10 - 04:33 AM

Everyone seems to be sleeping but me...fifth night n a row. I see the biofeedback and therapy people on Thursday, so that should help.

Things are better, so far. He went to his doc today who changed some of his meds but ONLY after she spoke with me and had my assurance that I would dispense them, NOT him. I told her that was fine with me, actually a bit of a relief. He is feeling better; still very sad, esp. when he went back to clean out his space in the house he shared with M and P. Also P, the 8 year old, is a quiet, sweet kid who said he was sorry Colin had to move out, but he was sure he would be able to move back in soon. Obviously, M. needs to talk with him. There is no chance of that happening,at this point.

There is more, little things, but I don't want to write about them, just yet. Other than no sleep, I have been doing well. Even found I have some reserves and handled the entire crisis without freaking out and weeping my head off as in the past.

Thanks for your continued support!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 07 Apr 10 - 08:25 AM

The Serenity Prayer works for addicts caregivers too. The wisdom to change what you can, accept what you can't change and know the difference between the two.
Stay strong, kat.
And find a way to get some sleep. It will make a huge difference in your outlook.
Damn kids!
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Apr 10 - 12:21 PM

Thanks, Sins. I say "damn it" a lot. With "little pitchers having big ears," I have been trying to change it, consciously, from "damn" to "bless," though, as a mutual friend told me, there is always a time and place where a well-placed expletive can make one feel so satisfied.:-) The other thing I shall try, now that Morgan and I have watched The Fantastic Mr. Fox, is "cuss"...it was hilarious. For every spot where most people, today, might say "fuck" they used "cuss" as in "are you cussing with me? Made me LMAO. So anyway, bless kids!**BSEG**

I know you are right about the sleep. This is the first day in ages when I have felt a tiny bit of depression. It won't last...I really need that sleep, but I still don't like the feeling.

luvya'llkat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 08 Apr 10 - 07:29 AM

Good morning Darlin'. Hope you managed to sleep last night.

It's good that you recognise the depression creeping in and keep positive about it's staying. Having that little boy around has got to be a bonus. Morgan can do more good, I'm sure, than any medication.

Here's hoping that Colin can find the strength to stay the course.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 08 Apr 10 - 01:16 PM

Still here-
Sending you that love I keep telling you about.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 08 Apr 10 - 07:47 PM

My dear friends,

Please know that I appreciate, so much, your PMs and expressions of care, love, and support. I don't have a lot of leftover energy, right now, to answer a lot, but I am gratefull and I am doing better. We all are, it's just really intense.

Today has been tough energy-wise. It is the first time in at least 2-3 months that I drove myself to and from the therapist's and because of lack of sleep, I had to pull into a park and take a short power nap on the way home. Rog was on an emergency and at work else he would have taken me. I didn't want to ride with my son because of the meds he is on...I just don't feel comfortable. (I feel fairly picky about whom I ride with!:-)

Anyway, had a good session with the biofeedback and therapist. Took a nap, and tried to play my dulcimer for the first time in at least a year, so not a terrible day, just draining.

I will try to post an update every day or so, please do not put any energy into worry...it's not good for either of us, but I sure do appreciate the positive vibes your good thoughts, etc. send to me. Thanks!

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: Bobert
Date: 08 Apr 10 - 08:04 PM

Sheet fire, kat... Where I been... Man, you been goin' thru some heavy poo... That ain't no good at all... Light poo ain't nuthin' to ask for no doggybag either...

Hey, firget all that biofeedback stuff... Ya'll go any moonshine out there in Wyo-ming??? No??? Well, pack yer bags and move to Wes Ginny, get you a bottle of good moonshine, take you a decent sized snort when it's bed time and it's nighty-night fir 8 hours... It's guarneteed to work...

But if it don't then you go down to the local junior high school and get you a bag of evil weed... Now you take that weed back home, cook it up in some ymummy oatmeal/raisin cookies, then take you a decent sized snort of that moonshine and it will definately be nighty-night for the next 8 hours...

Can't help ya' much with yer youngin'... Mine???... Got silvar balls and things st5ickin' outta all kinds of places on his head and does rap??? Go figure??? I brought the boy up right... You know, tellin' him stories at night and takin' him to football but...

No matter... You hang in there 'cause ol' hillbilly loves ya'... Fir real...

Bobert~

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 09 Apr 10 - 01:04 AM

Kat, that Bobert has a lot of energy (unless, of course, he has been set upon by a chiropractor or masseuse from hell) so you might want to think about his Rx. Heck, it worked for him! ;-D

SRS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: ClaireBear
Date: 09 Apr 10 - 12:43 PM

Bobert's pretty much said it definitely (nice one, Beaubear!), but there's some groovy kinda love vibe streaming from California too. Just no moonshine. Peacock feathers, hot tubs, crystals we got, but no moonshine. To our sorrow...

Hugs.
C

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 09 Apr 10 - 03:09 PM

Maine has lobster and Kendall. We'll share.
Rest a bit. In fact - SLEEP.
According to a thread here Obama will hypnotize you just by you listening to his speech patterns. Doesn't work for me but you try it.
SINS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 10 Apr 10 - 09:57 PM

You folks make me smile, thanks! I slept last night through chemistry..no, not the class!**bg** My doc called in a heavy-duty old fashioned anti-depressant used for insomnia these days, trazadone. After seven nights of no sleep, I gave up and took some. Also had a mini-treatment from my girlfriend doc, yesterday. It was so good to see her. Yesterday AM was tough...I felt awful, Colin and I were both horribly depressed. We did talk about maybe picking up on each other too easily, but we both got better. He went to AA, I saw my friend/doc, etc. and my Rog took care of me. He is such a Blessing. Morgan came over for a short while and my SIL and I visited some more. I teased him, today, calling him my new "girlfriend" just down the street. He's winning me over and Morgan has a lot to do with it.

Anyway, other than an eye which was so dehydrated it woke me up and drops didn't help, today was much better. The eye doc on call told me what probably happened was my eyelid scraped off a layer on my eyeball from getting too dry at night and told me to use ointment instead of drops. Who knew?! The ointment is made up of mineral oil and petroleum jelly, so blurry-vision has been interesting today. It does feel much better. Rog also got the swamp cooler going, so the humidity is climbing which will also help. Good grief...what a bunch of I don't know what!**bg**

More later. I do think of you all and am so gratefull to *feel* you with me.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 11 Apr 10 - 08:19 AM

Sounds like progress- "sweet sleep, that knits the ravell'd sleeve of care"- Shakespeare knew!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: Jack Campin
Date: 11 Apr 10 - 06:59 PM

Trazodone (note the spelling) worked great for me a few years ago (mainly as an antidepressant, though I had disturbed sleep as well).

Cautions: it acts VERY suddenly, like being whacked on the head with a hammer. You need to time the dose right - too early and you'll be staggering around like a drunk. And it can cause reflux, so eat something with it.

I doubt if anything that strongly sedative is safe for an alcoholic. It comes with cautions about abuse potential.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- help for son-update 7 Apr 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 11 Apr 10 - 07:52 PM

Jack, thank you for your input! Staggering drunk...I felt like an elephant with not enough in the stun gun to put me out for awhile last night. The night before no problem; like Animaterra/the Bard says...great sleep. Last night, I think I took it too early and missed the "sleep by hour" 'cause two trazOdone (tks) and 1.5 xanax later, I was still awake at 330a! Great nap this afternoon, though. I have odd reactions to meds. I was titrating down on the xanax, don't like it, it doesn't help with sleep, really, and it's our goal, the docs and mine, to end use of it. It got me through the horrible panics. Now, the biofeedback will take its place, esp. in getting me some natural sleep, but with the past three weeks, esp. this past one, it's been a bit tough. I am not sure what to do, tonight. The dosage is 1-2 at bedtime and I do need more sleep, but the dry, cotton mouth and potential for no sleep may preclude any of it.

Bobert, I have heard you. I've spoken to some connections and am seriously going to look into some *medicinals* through my docs. I have other docs' I can call if need by...lookit the things ya find out when ya ask!

My dear son, may he benefit from the fact that I've been through too much repetitive crap with my bro., so he is now hearing from me, "We've already talked about that, save it for the therapist. I won't go there, again." He has been crying, a lot, and asking for hugs, which, of course, I love to give. I am gratefull he reaches out to me, I am protective of myself, though, for all good reasons, imo.

Thanks for being here and listening, m'lovely friends.

kat - oh, good things today! MY Rog took me to see the beginning of the orchards flowering AND we walked to Morgan's house and back. BIG deal for me!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 12:03 AM

spring has sprung! a walk in the spring is good

sending more hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 08:13 AM

That walk is an amazing accomplishment. Morgan must have been thrilled to see you arrive.
I never heard of the dry eye scrape before. Something else to obsess on.
Keep doing what you are doing, kat. Colin has a long road ahead of him and he has to walk it alone. You can cheer him on from the sidelines but he has to do the walking.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 08:18 AM

Sins - my last boss had a similar condition & was often late for work waiting for the cream to take affect.

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 02:43 PM

I don't think you'd ever have to be concerned about it in humid areas like New England, Sins. I'd never heard of it out here in the arid high desert, but with other contributing factors, i.e. meds, PC use w/out looking away and also blinking enough (though I am pretty good about both), pollen, weed-burning...you name it, they can all have an effect. It's better, but I still have to use the ointment, not the drops, during the day as well as at night when they are recommended. Rapidly blinking distributes it fairly quickly, so it's not too bad...definitely better than dry eyes!

Thanks, the walk was a BIG deal, though he wasn't too excited. They had to wake him up, so he was kinda sleepy. Took him shopping at Home Depot and wore the puir kid out.

I think I may be ready to post most of the rest of this on my blog in a few days. A lot has happened and is ongoing. I love this thread for thoughts and support, but would prefer not posting all of the nitty-gritty here. I do find the process fascinating, though taxing.:-)

Thanks, again,

kat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 04:10 PM

You took Morgan shopping at Home Depot????? Not Toys R Us? No wonder he was sleepy.
Auntie SINS

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 12 Apr 10 - 06:08 PM

Not I! His parents. I don't go there!:-)

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 04:53 PM

Any help would be greatly appreciated, my friends. I've been having some very low days. Things are progressing.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April
From: Bonnie Shaljean
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 05:15 PM

<<   >> 's

xxx 's

♥

Thinking of you -

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Art Thieme
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 05:52 PM

Kat,

Watch your mail. Something designed to elevate your spirits will go out to you in a few days by mail!!!!!

If you want to do that quicker, just take a bottle of booze and hold it up over your head.

A great way to elevate your spirits.

Really, though, I'm sending you an actual poultry-geist. (Another fowl joke...)

Love to you and Roger,
Art

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 19 Apr 10 - 09:41 PM

hugs

sandra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 12:24 AM

Kat, it can't get any worse than Art's puns. Chin up!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April
From: Janie
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 06:32 AM

Still here, Miss Kitty.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 07:10 AM

Me, too!

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 08:13 AM

Always.
Mary

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: catspaw49
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 01:14 PM

Everyday........

Spaw

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 02:40 PM

FWIW, hugs from me too!

Kitty

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 04:01 PM

Thanks, my friends. I don't feel so overwhelmed, today and had a good biofeedback session, plus I drove myself there and back without falling asleep. Things seem to be progressing s-l-o-w-l-y.

I am gratefull to you all.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 04:29 PM

like they said ☝, with extra ♥♥♥

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 10 - 04:41 PM

I chose not to be obcessive about the last 4 months of sleepless scream out loud incessant pain. I look back now as though it harldly happened. But I do feel that walking and riding a bike is now miraculous.

Here's to you kat, knowing that you too will look back as though it hardly happened.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 21 Apr 10 - 07:27 AM

Good morning, kat-me-luv. Sending love, as always...

Subject: RE: A request from kat- ongoing family help-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 May 10 - 05:37 AM

Phew! It's been awhile and a lot of intense stuff going on. Belated thank yews to Animaterra, Donuel and BillD for your latest postings. They all mean so much to me, as do all of the others.

I have had no energy to write about what's been going on and still have not, but I did wake at 2a to a long-dormant muse who said get up and write this or else. So...there is a new posting, finally, to my blog, Why I Hated Camping At Nighttime. Please enjoy and I will catch everyone up, soon. Thanks, again, my Dear Ones.

luvyakat

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 01 May 10 - 08:08 AM

I enjoyed the story - can people still camp in that area, or is it now so developed that the magic has gone?

may your energy & muse continue

sending a few more hugs & lots of love

sasndra

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: LilyFestre
Date: 01 May 10 - 10:43 PM

Ok. I want to go camping now!!!!! I have fond memories of camping too and remember always being cold, especially my nose and toes. It seemed like I would FINALLY warm up when it was time to wake up. Sleeping bag covered in dew and cold mornings were brutal! I'm going to bed tonight thinking about old camping adventures...thank you for that!!!!

Michelle

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 02 May 10 - 07:49 AM

Terrific story - camping has never appealed to me and I think that you have laid out the reason why. My idea of roughing it is a trailer.

So glad that you are feeling a bit better now. I have been thinking about you often.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: SINSULL
Date: 02 May 10 - 07:56 PM

I enjoyed the read, Miss Kitty. I too hated camping. Animals in the privy, rain, cold. When I was only about two I rolled out of my bed under the tent flap and away. Woke up screaming alone in the dark. I hate camping.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 May 10 - 08:51 PM

That's just cause the parents were cheap. I NEVER got cold and we all slept in the same tent too. If I got wet, so did Mom and Dad. Dad fixed it. Always.

Sorry, but the story didn't appeal to me at all.

Even in the High Unintas in Mid October we (including our 2 yr old son) didn't sleep cold. YES there was a mad daylight run for the fire and hot breakfast...but we SLEPT warm.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 May 10 - 08:56 PM

Oh, but I LOVED it the rest of the time...it was only at night!**bg**

Thanks for your comments, friends. There are still plenty of areas where one can go camping in Colorado, though I don't know if there are in the area I was writing about. Haven't been up there since I was a young adult. I also think things are more controlled as to where one may camp. Privy? What's that?**bg** We sometimes went places where there was nothing and we set up a card table with lawn chairs, dug a fire pit lined with rocks, used a designated area for toileting and proper burial of it, and took our pleasure in the solitude. I think to get to a place where one can do that now, one has to hike in a long ways, ride horses, pack in with llamas, etc. and, of course, pack it all back out.

My family has always loved camping. I have an adorable photo of my dad's cousin and her newly wed husband on horses with camp gear tied on. It was their honeymoon trip and she is grinning to beat the band, setting off on her new life.

When I met Rog and he told me his family's idea of camping was to go to Hampton Beach in the summer and stay in a travel trailer, I laughed my head off. They sent us a post card. WE went camping to get away from all of the people and there they were in the thick of them! It was a totally alien concept to me. I understand it better, now, but would still NEVER choose it. If I am camping I don't want ANYONE nearby.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 02 May 10 - 09:46 PM

My parents were NOT cheap, Sorcha. With five kids and, at the time of the story, two of them in college, there wasn't a lot, esp. as my dad worked for himself. My mom and dad spent more nights in the car or truck than any of us kids..they had the lesser of everything. If you didn't like the story, fine, but there's no need to be nasty about it.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: Sorcha
Date: 02 May 10 - 09:57 PM

OK, Kat, sory, but YOU were the one who said you were last and left out,sleeping cold or something like that. The thinnest sleeping bag, etc.

NOBODY needs to sleep cold.

Nights for me were the best times. Campfire, wrapped in blankets, toasting marshmallows, the sky and the Milky Way with no light pollution....late night S'mores....then a warm sleeping bag.

And never sleep in the clothes you want to wear when you get up. THAT will make you cold in a heartbeat.

And I didn't think I was being 'nasty'...just taking what YOU said about last,thin, etc. for what I thought it was worth.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 03 May 10 - 12:34 AM

I guess you missed the part about singing around the campfire, etc. Maybe it was a karmic thing...yeah, that's it...I *chose* to experience that to atone for freezing someone else out in a past life. My belief system only...thank goodness dad and mom won't be paying for that one, karmically, that is.

My apologies, folks. I'll be back with an update as things progress.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: kendall
Date: 08 Jun 10 - 07:33 PM

My idea of roughing it is cutting T bone steak with a dull knife while watching black and white TV.

Subject: RE: A request from kat- new blog posting-April 2010
From: jacqui.c
Date: 09 Jun 10 - 06:58 AM

Kendall and I are SO compatible!

---

I've closed this thread because it has become a target for a constant flow of spam. If you wish to continue the discussion, start a new thread and link back to this one.
Thanks.
-Joe Offer, Forum Moderator- 21 October 2010