H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs

Subject: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: GUEST,Mike of Hessle
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 03:00 AM

I was sent the below Health & Safely Guidance yesterday after someone heard me singing 'While Shepherds'



Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.


While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around

The union of Shepherd's has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.   Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.


Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load

The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.


We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels hooves.

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: BusyBee Paul
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 03:11 AM

No more running with Torches then!

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: Young Buchan
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 06:08 AM

Then up spoke young Mary
In a voice oh so mild
Pick me some cherries Joseph
For I am with child

A tree or shrub belongs to the owner of the land on which it grows even if its branches go over adjoining land. This includes the branches and the fruit of any tree or shrub and applies even to windfall fruit.

Whilst fruit is generally good for pregnant women, later on in the pregnancy avoid fruit with a high acid content as it may affect the baby's skin.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: paula t
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:29 AM

Mike,
I was rather concerned to see that your guidelines for "Jingle Bells" do not mention the need for everyone to wash their hands after the sleigh ride - obviouly ther risks of contacting E-coli are quite high.

Goggles should be worn by passengers at all times, due to the risk of grit etc. being kicked up by the horse.

There is also the problem of the bells constantly jingling and causing both a noise nuisance to the surrounding area , and distress to the horse.

If the sleigh is to carry children, the driver should have undergone a full CRB check.Teachers should ensure they have carried out a full risk assessment which includes details such as the appropriate clothing to wear,how to walk up to the sleigh, staffing and of course the safest method to climb into and out of the sleigh. It would be appropriate to have a full safety briefing, and perhaps a parents meeting beforehand.A full first aid kit should be carried by each teacher, along with a list of parent contact numbers and of course a mobile 'phone. They should also have a list of pupils with specific allergies etc.They should have produced a detailed lesson plan, stating the learning objectives and differeniated outcomes.Obviously the learning experience will be assessed back at school.

Public liability insurance certificates should be available for checking.

I hope this is of use.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: GUEST,Mike of Hessle
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:36 AM

Thank you Paula

I shall inform the person who sent me this guidance of their short-comings in the advice sent.

I will of course be carrying on with singing and no I won't be issuing Ear Protectors to those unfortunates who have to listen.

Mind you when I am next at the local Folk Club I may well be wearing a pair - especially if the Wilsons are ever booked.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: kendall
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:37 AM

This is very funny! Thanks.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: Folkiedave
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:39 AM

There are some for traditional carols too!

Sheffield Carols Health and Safety Guidelines 2010.


Jacobs Well.

Unless suitable fencing is placed around the well this is considered too dangerous. A stranger is hoping to cheer his drooping frame. Has the well been checked for parasites known to be present in unfiltered water? And although the carol does indeed urge us to know the stranger, participants are advised that it might just be advisable to ask for an up-to-date CRB Check.

Living waters flowing are regarded as particularly dangerous. Test all bridges. (See Lake District)

Hark Hark

We have the ever present danger of angels again. Bringing news is fine, email would perhaps be better for no-one seems to have asked for a risk assessment as they land with this news. A clear space at least twenty metres by twenty metres should be provided with no nearby objects higher than five metres. (Does anyone know precisely how angels land? This may help)

Tinwood

Has sufficient space been provided for these weary travellers? It might be advisable to hold a local sports centre or village hall in readiness just in case more than anticipated turn up. I understand this sometimes happens in other religions. And whilst reliance on the Lord to bring people through many dangers is fine, a stout pair of boots is also recommended.

Soft landings for anyone who faints on the enchanted ground ought to be provided. Rubber matting is recommended. Any grapes, especially in clusters, pleasant or not, should be washed first.

Holmfirth Anthem

All passports should be checked and visas for walking abroad for pleasure obtained. Anyone seen resting and then viewing lambs for pleasure should be reported to the RSPCA immediately.

Reapers

Consideration to what has whitened the harvest and why those surrounding it are feeble, faint and few should be urgently reported; it may be the result of asbestos. Waiting around for anyone is considered dangerous. Vacate the area please. Do not rely on eagles. By all means run or walk, but remember those not used to sudden physical exertion may faint.

Back Lane

People are reminded of the carbon footprint of flying to see an infant. A young infant does need piece and quiet. Please stay serene at all times, at least look that way. Beware if a flaming troop appears. Do not hang around waiting to hear if the shepherds sing.

St. Winifred

Feeding a child where oxen have been lying is not recommended unless the area has been scrupulously cleaned with disinfectant.

Holly and the Ivy.

Especially dangerous. There is the plants themselves, one is poisonous, the other particularly unpleasant to eat, even if boiled first. There's deer running about. Prickles and thorns, bark, bitter root, galls etc etc. Beware all of these plants unless you really do know what you are doing. Report any blood to the authorities immediately. Wear gloves.

Mistletoe Bough.

This song illustrates the dangers of having no proper risk assessment. Please ensure any old oak chests have a safety mechanism operable from the inside. And be careful when seeking people, be it this day or the next one. A week can quickly go by.

Star of Bethlehem

Please ensure that sufficient stewards are provided on the mighty plain to help with the marshalling. State how Equal Opportunities and LGBT issues have been considered. They need radio communication in case there are any sinners eyes start wondering. Once moored please test regularly. The perils may not be over yet.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: paula t
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 08:50 AM

Mike,
I have today received further guidance from the county council that it is now deemed too dangerous to carry children in an open sleigh.They should only be carried in closed top sleighs which are fully fitted with seat belts.
Adults-only parties may continue to travel in open topped sleighs, but only if the sleighs are fitted with roll bars.

Sory to pass on yet more bureaucracy, but obviously thought you needed to be able to cover yourself in case of accident and subsequent sueing.

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: paula t
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 09:05 AM

Oops! Speling trubble!I meant to say "sorry" not "sory".

Subject: RE: H&S Guidance when singing Festive Songs
From: SINSULL
Date: 15 Dec 09 - 09:06 AM

Frosty The Snowman

Frosty the Snowman
Is a jolly happy soul
With a corncob pipe and a button nose
And two eyes made out of coal.



The last Snowman ended up in the federal penitentiary - that white stuff isn't all snow. How do you think he stays so jolly and happy around all those screaming kids? Besides, that pipe is filling children's lungs with carcinogins. And i ask you, who in their right mind allows their children to play in traffic with strangers?