BS: Yorkshire Jokes

Subject: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: theleveller
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 04:04 AM

Never let it be said that us Yorkshire folk can't laugh at ourselves - but if other buggers laugh at us they'll ger a smack in t'gob.

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."
Vet: "Is it a tom?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay, ah've browt it wi' me."

***

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller, to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "Nay I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

***

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?"
Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?"

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Will Fly
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 04:22 AM

Four Yorkshire men playing dominoes - all afraid to knock in case the waiter came.

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 09:22 AM

Always said it,

You can always tell a Yorkshire man, but you can't tell him much.

Even now, years later, I get the occasional opportunity to be in the right place when somebody asks "Where's the bin?"

"Av' bin forra shit, where's tha bin?"

First time my son thought it spontaneous wit, the fiftieth time he was bored with his old Dad....

Didn't somebody write a song around that exchange?

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 10:22 AM

Knock on door - "I'm from 't council, doing a survey, Wheere's thi'bin?"
"I've bin on me 'olidays"
"No, tha misunderstands me,I'm from 't council, wheere's thi wheelie bin?"
"All rate , Iv'e bin in't nick but don't thee tell no bugger."

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 12:15 PM

"Never ask a man if he comes from Yorkshire. If he does, he will tell you. If he does not, why humiliate him?"

Canon Sydney Smith

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Paul Burke
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 04:30 PM

A went tsee a forchune teller, an she sed "You will meet a stranger, and his words shall be comfort!"

An just a cupla days later, thur wus this knock at door. An this bloke ses "Ah've comfort cut gas off."

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: katlaughing
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 05:07 PM

LOL!

magnum or cornetto flavours of ice cream? Eewwww!:-)

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Seayaker
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 06:33 PM

Northener and an American travelling on a train and get talking. The American says "I'm fascinated by your English accents, I guess you're from Yorkshire"
"Nay lad, I'm from Lancashire but I've not been that well recently"

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Mar 10 - 07:59 PM

Man of Constant Aggro

(to tune of "Man of Constant Sorrow")

Eeh, I am a man of constant aggro
In fact ahm a right miserable git,
Tha can put it down to coming from a certain Northern English county
Where we espouse plain honest speaking and demonstrate true grit!

Eeh lad, ah wish ahd never wandered
Down that motorway through't Watford Gap ahd never strayed
Eeh, ah can't cope wi al them southern pooftas
Take me back noorth where we call a spade a spade!

Eeh take me back noorth o Leeds oor Ilkley Moor
Where men are men, women are women and sheep are sheep
Where we dawn't mince ower words, or beat around t't bush
And to the point we allus speak

Eeh where we tell it to thee straight, and put ower cards ont table
Deal only in t plain honest truth
Ah what thar sees is what thar gets , lad
(although some folks might say as we're just plain bloody rude!)

Where we're all blunt, upfront and fewrethrart
And tell it to thee to thy face
Don't use unnecessary elaboration
So let me tell thee plainly, lad …eeeh
Ee up, ah've forgotten what it was ah had to say now!.

So if yewer shewer thar bound for that Northern English county
We'll happily sell thee plywood by the foot
But don,t expect us to saw it up fewer thee
So thou can put it in thy car boot !

So, if thar thinks thar can get owt fer nowt found ere
I will surely answer thee nay
Cos if buggers don't come from around these parts
Then make t'buggers pay!

So that's why I am a man of constant aggro,
And ah'll stay a right miserable sod,
Because ah come from that certain English county
Truly the last place on earth made by God!

Aw brother, whar art tha?

"(This song war brought ta thee bart Yorkshire Tourist Boord!)

PS: I've already applied for police protection!

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 03:15 AM

A shepherd in North Yorkshire taking his driving test-

Examiner, can ta mek a U turn ?

Shepherd, mek a ewe turn ? ahl mek it's fucking eyes water.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 04:07 AM

It's quite easy to tell the difference between a Yorkshireman and a Scot.
You'll notice that a Yorkshireman doesn't have that nasty little streak of extravagance.
Cheers
Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 04:20 AM

Q What is the difference between a Yorkie and a cocoanut?
A You can get a drink out of a cocoanut

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Emma B
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 06:02 AM

An American tourist visit's the UK and when in London goes to Saint Paul's Cathedral.
Tucked away in one corner is a red phone with a sign saying 'Direct line to God £1000'
Being aware that this is just the beginning of a holiday the visitor thinks this is a little too expensive and passes by

A couple of days later while admiring Bath Abbey the visitor seems a similar phone with a card saying 'Direct line to God £500'
Having just been ripped off for a Jane Austin 7 vintage car hire he decides to pass by this offer too

A week later he finds himself in the beautiful York Minster; sure enough, there is the same phone with a sign saying 'Direct line to God 40p'

Now this tourist had been on mudcat for advice before this trip and had read the jokes about the notorious meanness of Yorkshire tykes so he asked why the call was so much cheaper in Yorkshire

'Ah' came the reply 'Theur norrz it's just eur local call fra 'eear.'

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: The Sandman
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 06:06 AM

Malcolm Storey.Fred Trueman.Geoff Boycott.

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 06:48 AM

You forgot Dickie Bird,

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Paul Reade
Date: 06 Mar 10 - 06:41 PM

There's a poem "The Tightest Tyke in Heckmondwike", written by Lancastrian Keith Scowcroft (Scowie) - see earlier thread thread.cfm?threadid=104786&messages=7

The joke is that a lot of Yorkshiremen took it as a compliment!

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: bubblyrat
Date: 07 Mar 10 - 08:29 AM

Who was it,from the Lancashire Dialect Society,who said that a Yorkshireman was a Scotsman stripped of his generosity ??

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 07 Mar 10 - 10:07 AM

Copper wire was invented by a Scot and a Yorkshireman arguing over a farthing.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Mar 10 - 11:11 PM

There seems to have occurred a PC change of stereotyping: in the old days, Yorkshiremen were regarded as hard-headed & obstinate, but NOT financially stingy, as now seems to be the case on this thread ~~ it was the Scots & the JEWS, not the Scots & the Yorkies, who were supposed to fit those stereotypes in jokes.

Is it terror of accusations of antisemitism that has led to this development; or what?

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 02:45 AM

Yes.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 03:54 AM

Nah, it's just an attempt to get closer to the truth. ;-)

Steve (Lancashire lad)

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: GUEST,padgett
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 04:14 AM

Very funny, laughed me socks off!

Scowie is quite a funny guy from Lancashire and is due to visit Barnsley at Easter singaround

A great play on the English/Yorkshire dialect and pronounciation

However you should check out Roy Blackman from Rotherham, a memory man and writer particularly on UK sports a real character too!

Try also the concertina player Chris Sherburn and his caustic wit!!

Ray

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Acorn4
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 04:45 AM

...and then of course there's Bernard Wrigley's "There's Always Some Bugger from Yorkshire!".

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 06:05 AM

Tourist wandering around Yorkshire comes across an old sheep farmer sat on a gate rolling small round pellets on his thigh.

"What are those?" asks the tourist.

"Them's larnin' pills." Answers the farmer.

Well, thinks the tourist, must be a local thing. "Can I try one?" He asks.

"Aye. £5 each." Replies the farmer.

So the tourist hands over his fiver and pops his newley aquired pill in his mouth.

"Yuk!" He cries, spitting it out. "That's sheep shit!"

"Tha's larnin'" says the farmer...

:D (eG)

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: theleveller
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 06:41 AM

Then, of course, there's the old chestnut about the Yorkshire farmer visiting a ranch in Texas.

Ranch owner: So just how big is your farm?
Farmer: Aaaah, weel, it's aboot two 'undred eccers.
Ranch owner: Hey, that's tiny. I can get in my station wagon and drive all day and not reach the other side of my ranch.
Farmer: Aye, bloody wagons, I've gorra Land Rover like that.

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: The Sandman
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 07:16 AM

Pickering folk festival

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: fat B****rd
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 07:24 AM

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were Thine" engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were Thin".
He explodes - good grief, man, you've left the flamin' "e" out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you"..
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She were Thin".

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 07:29 AM

Same widower. Placing an obituary he said he wanted to keep it 'simple' and just put 'Elsie's dead'. The clerk told him he gets 5 words for the same price. OK, he says. 'Elsie's dead. Bike for sale.'

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: theleveller
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 07:48 AM

One Friday afternoon two Barnsley women were talking about nothing in particular when one of them spotted the other's husband and exclaimed excitedly: "Eyup, Gloria! Yooer Martin's bought thee a reet bunch of flowers!"

Gloria turned to look and replied, "Oh bloody 'ell, that's me flat on me back wi' me legs apart all t'weekend."

Her friend looked surprised and asked, "Dun't tha 'ave any vases, then?"

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 07:52 AM

You may also be interested in this song about the largesse of a particular Yorkshire farmer. Collected in 1965 and probably dating back before that it also knocks the idea that this is a new and somehow 'PC' thing on the head!

DeG

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: mikesamwild
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 08:37 AM

favourite Yorkshire pub tune
Don't get a round much anymore

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: mikesamwild
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 08:49 AM

Yoerkshire couple on holiday in Benidorm. He's dying for a sunday roast and goes round to a couple in the nearby appartment for some gravy browning

'Na then pal 'ast any bisto ?

'Fxxk off tha Spanish txxt!'

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: MikeL2
Date: 08 Mar 10 - 03:20 PM

A Yorkshire farmer working in the fields all day comes home to find his wife in bed with his best friend.

The farmer stomps out of the room and returns with his shotgun. He aims carefully at his mate and fires both barrels and kills him stone dead.

His wife aghast shouts at him, " wot thee ell did tha do that for...eef tha keeps goin on like that tha''ll ave no mates left".

cheers

MikeL2

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Mar 10 - 01:52 AM

Yorkshire farmer walking into town looks over a wall and see the local shepherd shagging a sheep, he thinks, I'll have a laugh here and shouts out, " 'ey up Seth at ta shearing ? " he replies " no fuck off and get yer own "


Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Edthefolkie
Date: 09 Mar 10 - 07:28 PM

Re Yorkshire care with money, do they still sell those mugs in York Market? (Used to be just off Stonegate). The mugs have a nice picture of the interior of a Yorkshire farmhouse with an owd lad with a long clay pipe addressing his son:

See All Hear All Say Nowt
Eat All Drink All Pay Nowt
And If Ever Tha Does Owt For Nowt
Allus Do It For Thisen.

Great jokes by the way.

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: paula t
Date: 10 Mar 10 - 05:03 PM

I was telling these jokes to a Yorkshireman friend last week .He reminded me that Yorkshiremen call us (Lancashire folk) "Long Necks"........because we are always stretching our necks to see what's happening across the Pennines!

The cheek!

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: GUEST,buspassed
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 06:52 AM

Two Yorkshiremen attending a Peter Kaye concert. At the interval one of the blokes asked his mate what he thought of the comedian to which came the reply " Aye, alright I suppose, if yer like laughing.

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: ced2
Date: 11 Mar 10 - 05:33 PM

One night, when I was a kid, just as it were coming dark, I was walking through the graveyard between Previdence Lane and Dock Royd in Oakworth when I heard the sound of a hammer on a mason's chisel. Being a nosey little bugger I had to go and see what was going on. There at the front of a new headstone was a little greyish fella, bent double, hammering away and altering the inscription. "What's tha doin'?" I asked.
Without turning round or looking up he replied, "Them gormless buggers 'ave spelt me name wrong."

Subject: RE: BS: Yorkshire Jokes
From: Arnie
Date: 12 Mar 10 - 07:36 AM

My local paper has an obituary today to a Yorkshireman who died last week having spent his last few years in East Kent. A Kentish friend said of him "He had a great sense of humour and introduced me to the concept of the Yorkshire kebab - five meat pies on a knitting needle!"