First attempt at a complete song

Subject: First attempt at a complete song
From: Simon G
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 03:35 PM

I have no songwriting ability, at least I haven't developed any yet. Comment and criticism of my first attempt to complete a song below would be welcome. The song celebrates the stories about Lawrencetown's little ice rink. If you want to follow the advice of the chorus follow the stories link or read this thread.

Don't hold back now on the criticism, thanks

Simon

Lawrencetown Rink (tune - Sloop John B )

The year was, seventy two
Hockey rink, brand new
Lawrencetown kids could skate inside
The rink it was small
On the ice some would sprawl
Heart of the valley, this little rink will be

Chorus
Hockeyville, in the last twelve
Lawrencetown, a wildcard
A town so small, the underdog of them all
Vote the web zone
Vote on the phone
That's all the rink needs now, then it will win

Started to play a squirt
'til twenty-four wore the shirt
A coach, a dad and now a grandpa
Lawrencetown was the place
The puck he did race
Heart of the valley, this little rink can be

Chorus

Girls of Lawrencetown
Hockey or they would frown
No others to play, they played the peewee
Bridgetown joined in
The girls learn't to win
Heart of the valley, this little rink must be

Chorus

People with a tale to tell
In Lawrencetown they dwell
Hockey, skates, friends and good times
No arena staff here
Just a neighbour to cheer
Heart of Canada, this little rink gonna be

Heart of Canada, this little rink gonna be
Heart of Canada, this little rink gonna be

Subject: RE: First attempt at a complete song
From: GUEST,suzi.....
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 05:43 PM

Hey thats cool man...congrats on ya first attempt. Im sure thre ll be many more.

Subject: RE: First attempt at a complete song
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 06:03 PM

I like it!

Subject: RE: First attempt at a complete song
From: olddude
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 06:18 PM

Heck I like it to, get some music get er recorded, I would see if you can come up with your own melody ... I bet you can ... for me anyway the lyrics are always the hardest part and you got em down already ...

cool

Subject: RE: First attempt at a complete song
From: Sandy Mc Lean
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 06:42 PM

The best of luck from Cape Breton to Lawrencetown in the contest since Mabou didn't make the cut!

Subject: RE: First attempt at a complete song
From: Simon G
Date: 17 Mar 10 - 09:12 PM

Thanks for your comments. I sung it tonight and it seemed to work :)