irresistable, possibly funny song?

Subject: Lyr Add: THE LION AND ALBERT
From: Arkie
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 11:07 AM

This is kind of long and a poem rather than a song, but it makes me laugh. The poem is by Mariott Edgar and Stanley Holloway has recorded a recitation. There are also other Albert poems including one in which Wallace regurgitates Albert.

The Lion and Albert

There's a famous seaside town called Blackpool,
That's noted for fresh air and fun,
And Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Went there with young Albert, their son.

A grand little lad was young Albert
All dressed in his best; quite a swell
With a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle
The finest that Woolworth's could sell.

They didn't think much to the Ocean
The waves, they were fiddlin' and small
There was no wrecks and nobody drownded
Fact, nothing to laugh at, at all.
So, seeking for further amusement
They paid and went to the zoo
Where they'd lions and tigers and camels
And old ale and sandwiches too.

There were one great big lion called Wallace
His nose were all covered with scars
He lay in a somnolent posture
With the side of his face on the bars.

Now Albert had heard about lions
How they was ferocious and wild
To see Wallace lying so peaceful
Well, it didn't seem right to the child.

So straight 'way the brave little feller
Not showing a morsel of fear
Took his stick with its 'orse's 'ead 'andle
And shoved it in Wallace's ear.
You could see the lion didn't like it
For giving a kind of a roll
He pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im
And swallowed the little lad 'ole

Then Pa, who had seen the occurrence
And didn't know what to do next
Said "Mother! Yon lions 'et Albert"
And Mother said "Well, I am vexed!"

Then Mr and Mrs Ramsbottom
Quite rightly, when all's said and done
Complained to the Animal Keeper
That the lion had eaten their son.

The keeper was quite nice about it
He said "What a nasty mishap
Are you sure it's your boy he's eaten?"
Pa said "Am I sure? There's his cap!"

The manager had to be sent for
He came and he said "What's to do?"
Pa said "Yon lion's 'et Albert
And 'im in his Sunday clothes, too."

Then Mother said, "Right's right, young feller
I think it's a shame and a sin
For a lion to go and eat Albert
And after we've paid to come in."

The manager wanted no trouble
He took out his purse right away
Saying "How much to settle the matter?"
And Pa said "What do you usually pay?"

But Mother had turned a bit awkward
When she thought where her Albert had gone
She said "No! someone's got to be summonsed"
So that was decided upon.
Then off they went to the Police Station
In front of the Magistrate chap
They told 'im what happened to Albert
And proved it by showing his cap.

The Magistrate gave his opinion
That no one was really to blame
And he said that he hoped the Ramsbottoms
Would have further sons to their name.

At that Mother got proper blazing
"And thank you, sir, kindly," said she
"What waste all our lives raising children
To feed ruddy lions? Not me!"

Subject: Lyr Add: THE DROVER'S DREAM
From: Don(Wyziwyg)T
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 05:45 AM

Here's an Australian one, which I used to sing to my kids.

The Drovers Dream

One night while droving sheep, my companions lay asleep,
There was no star to illuminate the sky,
I was dreaming I suppose, for my eyes were partly closed,
When a very strange procession passed me by,
First there came a kangaroo with a swag of blankets blue,
A Dingo ran beside him as his mate,
They were travelling mighty fast, but they shouted as they passed,
We'll have to run along, it's getting late.

The Pelican and the Crane had come in from off the plain,
To amuse the company with a Highland Fling,
The dear old Bandicoot played a tune upon his flute,
While the Koala bears sat round him in a ring,
The Drongo and the crow sang us songs of long ago,
While the flute necked lizard listened with a smile,
And the Emu standing near, with a claw up to his ear,
Said, "The funniest thing I've heard for quite a while".

Three frogs from out the swamp, where the atmosphere is damp,
Came bounding in and sat upon some stones,
They each unrolled their swags, and produced from little bags,
The violin, the banjo, and the bones,
The field mouse and the snake, and the Bunyip, wide awake,
With an alligator danced the Soldiers Joy,
In the spreading silky oak, the old Jackass cracked a joke,
While the Magpie sang the Wild Colonial Boy.

Some Bolders darted out from the tea tree all about,
And performed a set of Lancers very well,
Then the parrot green and blue, gave the orchestra its cue,
To strike up The Old Cabin In The Dell,
I was dreaming I suppose, of these entertaining shows,
For it never crossed my mind I was asleep,
Till the boss beneath the cart, woke me up with such a start,
Shouting "Drover where the hell are all the sheep"?

If you PM me with an E-Mail Addy, I can send you an MP3.

Don T.

Subject: Lyr Add: VALERIE WILKINS
From: GUEST,Fantum
Date: 29 Mar 10 - 03:32 AM

Valerie Wilkins (The square Crows)

Who's that knocking at my door?
Big Valerie Wilkins and she lives next door'
Curses, curses she wants to play at nurses
And I want to play at war.

When Valerie Wilkins comes to play she is always the leader,
She always gets her own way the rotten selfish bleeder,
The reason she bosses me I'm 3ft 7 she's 4ft 3.
Besides she's 3 months older than me so I do what I'm told
Cos she is six and a quarter and I'm only six years old


When she's in a good mood she lets me play at cowboys
But she's got her nurses apron on so I'll have to play at hospitals now boys
And there's no fun for me in store she makes me lie in bed for an hour or more ...
Pretends I've got pneumonia ... instead of just a cold
Cos she is six and a quarter and I'm only six years old

Then one day at tea time I said I want to play with me rifle.
Valerie through a tantrum spit right in me trifle
And then she screamed at me, she pulled my hair then kicked me on the knee.
Causing me to spill my tea all on my sausage roll
Coos she is six and a quarter and I'm only six years old

Then one day it occurred to me I was six and a quarter,
I'd caught up with Valerie, could hardly hold me quarter,
I was happy as can be and then me ma explained to me
I could never be as old as Valerie and then began to laugh,
Cos I am six and a quarter but she is six and a half.

Who's that knocking at my door?
Big Valerie Wilkins and she lives next door'
Curses, curses she wants to play at nurses
And I want to play at war.

Subject: RE: irresistable, possibly funny song?
From: Gurney
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 06:25 PM

There are, or were, songbooks specifically produced for both the Scouting and (British)Youth Hostelling organisations. Both are suitable for youngsters and you should easily find someone who knows at least some of the tunes. EBay? Search 'songbook' in the book section?

Subject: RE: irresistable, possibly funny song?
From: GUEST,Bubblyrat
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 11:57 AM

Our Dick Frost often cheers us all up with "Throw Me Leg Over The Man In The Moon" ; great harmonic possibilities, and it always gets a laugh and/or a smirk !!

Subject: RE: irresistable, possibly funny song?
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Mar 10 - 11:51 AM

Polly, if you join Mudcat you will be able to send me a 'Personal Message' (PM) with your email address, so I can send you a MIDI of the tune if it helps. It will play on your computer so you won't need to read music or do anything remotely 'clever'!!

Alternatively, Google me... my last name is Cromarty and I'm unique!

;o)

Subject: RE: irresistable, possibly funny song?
From: Scorpio
Date: 27 Mar 10 - 10:50 PM

Irresistable, definitely funny, and in very bad taste - anything by Stephen Lynch. Try 'Down To The Old Pub Instead' on YouTube.

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 11:25 PM

The shanty 'Roll the old chariot', with half singing chorus in full ['And we'll roll the old chariot along' x3 '& we'll all hang on behind'], while rest sing 'And we'll r-o-o-oll'..., always works with adults or children [tho with latter, perhaps best to omit final 'Night with a whore' stanza].

~Michael~

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Bert
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 09:06 PM

Tom Pierce

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Jack Campin
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 07:09 PM

You don't need to read music to use ABCs - go to the converter at folkinfo.org, paste the ABC source (from the X: line on) into the appropriate box, hit "Submit" and you get a score image. Click on that and you get a MIDI file you can listen to.

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: GUEST,Polly
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 06:17 PM

Thank you! This is helpful.
Bernard, I can't read music so ABC's won't help, sadly!

Subject: Lyr Add: WALTZING WITH BEARS
From: GUEST,JHW
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 05:07 PM

How about 'Waltzing with Bears'?
http://sniff.numachi.com/pages/tiBEARWLTZ.html

I've always found this irresistible - especially sung by one Chas in the good old days of the Colpitts, Durham (before Sam Smith's Brewery banned music in all their pubs)
Chas though sang '123, 123, waltzing with bears' not the wa wa wa as written and I reckon this revision is essential as I've heard it with the wa wa's and it doesn't work half as well.

ie-original

Our Uncle Walter's not right in the head
He's been that way all his life, my mother said
Its not that he's violent or falls down the stairs
Its just he goes waltzing, waltzing with bears

    He goes wa wa wa waltzing, waltzing with bears
    Raggy bears, shaggy bears, baggy bears too
    There's nothing on earth Uncle Walter won't do
    So he can go waltzing, wa wa wa waltzing
    He can go waltzing, waltzing with bears

Chas version

Our Uncle Walter's not right in the head
He's been that way all his life, my mother said
Its not that he's violent or falls down the stairs
Its just he goes waltzing, waltzing with bears

    He goes 1-2-3, 1-2-3, waltzing with bears
    Raggy bears, shaggy bears, baggy bears too
    There's nothing on earth Uncle Walter won't do
    So he can go waltzing, 1-2-3 waltzing
    He can go waltzing, waltzing with bears

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Gurney
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 03:55 PM

'Quartermasters Store?' Although that's probably familiar to the scouting organisations in all English-speaking countries.

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Bernard
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:31 PM

A version of this song is listed in the DigiTrad database, but the link to the tune is broken, so I don't know if it's the one I know - the words are slightly different, but fit my tune.

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Rasener
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:30 PM

http://www.laughlaugh.com/RealAudio/Boss.mp3

http://www.laughlaugh.com/songs.htm

Subject: RE: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: Bernard
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:28 PM

Me ma sez to me 'Don't put beans in your ears'
Beans in your ears, beans in your ears!
Me ma sez to me 'Don't put beans in your ears'
Beans in your ears...

Verses:
Now why should I want to...

Hey, maybe it's fun to...

Hey (Polly), look at me, I've got...

I'm sorry, I can't hear you, I've got...

You can't hear your teacher with...

We think that all grown-ups have...
Always goes down well with a mixed group of adults and children!

The tune is quite simple - I could do an ABC of it if you know what to do with it!

Subject: irresistable, possisbly funny song?
From: GUEST,polly becker
Date: 26 Mar 10 - 02:18 PM

A happy folk song? I am in search of something rather effervescent, cheerful or funny that wouldn't be familiar to th e general listener/reader...I understand that this genre of music does tends naturally toward tragedy and hardship...But I am hoping to find something a bit obscure, that would be good for kids, to use as the basis for an illustration project. (Possibly a nonsense song would work?)...Anyone have any advice for me???
Thanks--Polly