Songs of Flanders and Swann

Subject: Lyr Add: THE WARTHOG (Flanders and Swann)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 29 May 21 - 08:10 PM

THE WARTHOG (THE HOG BENEATH THE SKIN)
As recorded by Flanders and Swann on “The Complete Flanders & Swann”

The jungle was giving a party, a post-hibernation ball.
The ballroom was crowded with waltzing gazelles, gorillas, and zebras, and all.
But who is that animal almost in tears, pretending to powder her nose?
A poor little warthog who sits by herself in a pink satin dress with blue bows.
Again she is nobody's choice,
And she sings in a sad little voice:

“No one ever wants to court a warthog,
Though a warthog does her best.
I've spent a lot of money for a warthog.
I am kiss-proofed and prettily dressed.
I've luster-rinsed my hair,
Dabbed perfume here and there.
My gums were tinted when I brushed my teeth.
I'm young and in my prime,
But a wallflower all the time,
'Cause I'm a warthog, just a warthog; I'm a warthog underneath.”

(Take your partners for a ladies’ excuse-me!)

Excited and radiant, she runs on the floor to join the furore and fuss.
She taps on each shoulder and says “Excuse me!” and each couple replies: “Excuse us!”
Then having no manners at all,
They sing as they dance round the hall:

“No one ever wants to court a warthog,
Though a warthog does her best.
Her accessories are dazzling for a warthog.
She is perfumed and daringly dressed.
We know her 'these and those'
Are like Marilyn Monroe's.
Her gown is just a scintillating sheath,
But she somehow fails to please
'Cause everybody sees
That she's a warthog, just a warthog; she's a warthog underneath.”

Head hanging, she wanders away from the floor,
This warthog whom nobody loves,
Then stops in amazement, for there at the door
Stands a gentleman warthog impeccably dressed, in the act of removing his gloves.
His fine chiseled face seems to frown
As he looks her first up and then down.

“I fancy you must be a sort of warthog,
Though for a warthog, you look a mess.
That makeup's far too heavy for a warthog.
You could have chosen a more suitable dress.
Did you have to dye your hair?
If that's perfume, give me air!
I strongly disapprove of scarlet teeth,
But let us take the floor,
'Cause I'm absolutely sure
That you're a warthog, just a warthog
The sweetest little, neatest little
Dearest and completest little
Warthog underneath.”

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 May 21 - 04:28 PM

Jim Dixon, I too think it sounds like "bottle-noseD Whale."

My order was just delivered, in the form of a CD, of
At the Drop of Another Hat.
I got through my entire childhood without this album
or the songs on it,

and so I was an adult when I was introduced to
The Gas Man Cometh,
Twenty Tons of TNT,
the one about thermo-physic- heatisworkandworkisheat ...

Subject: Lyr Add: THE WHALE (MOPY DICK) (Flanders & Swann)
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 May 21 - 07:47 PM

THE WHALE (MOPY DICK)
As recorded by Flanders & Swann on “At the Drop of a Hat” and “The Complete Flanders & Swann”

The bottlenose whale is a furlong long,
And likewise wise, but headstrong strong,
And he sings this very lugubrious song
As he sails through the great antarctic ocean blue:

“Oh, why do I swim through seas antarctical, ooh!
Freezing cold in ev’ry particle, ooh!
Some porpoises invited me to come and join their school.
They brought me here then swam away and shouted: ‘April fool!’

“If ever I catch that school of porpoises, ooh!
They won’t get no habeas corpuses, ooh!
I’m lost alone in a frozen zone and I'm almost frozen, too,
A shivering quivering bottlenose whale,
The bottlenose whale with the flu-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-choo!

“Oh, I used to play like a gay leviathan, ooh!
Squirting up jets like a soda siaphon, ooh!
Now ev’ry time I try to lift my hankie to my nose,
A great harpoon goes whistling by to a shout of ‘There she blows!’

“I like my oceans equatorial, ooh!
Where the water’s warm and the breeze less boreal, ooh!
It’s Fahrenheit minus twenty-nine and I don’t know what to do,
A rubbery, blubbery bottlenose whale,
The bottlenose whale with the flu-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-oo-choo!.”

The bottlenose whale is a furlong long,
And likewise wise, but headstrong strong,
And he sings that very lugubrious song
As he sails through the ocean blue.

Though red your nose, though your toes are froze,
Though cold it seems to you,
Remember the tale of the bottlenose whale,
Who has not even got his own hot water bot,
The bottlenose whale with the flu-oooooooo. Ah-choo!

* * *
Sometimes it sounds like they’re singing “bottlenosed whale” but since Wikipedia uses the spelling “bottlenose whale” I have decided to omit the “d.”

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: The Doctor
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 04:58 AM

If it is of interest to anyone I have the complete recording of F & S, as above, on video(keberoxu 16 Aug - my birthday), now transferred to DVD.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,keberoxu
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 07:58 PM

There is much information about
Flanders and Swann at this website,
which, alas, you can't get to without using an archive webpage capture,
as the site has, I suppose, been allowed to expire or something.

Flanders and Swann Online (capture)

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,keberoxu
Date: 16 Aug 16 - 04:03 PM

If the following link works, a live performance of Flanders and Swann, I mean an excerpt of same. This includes:

All Gall (as in De Gaulle)
My Horoscope
a shambolic monologue by Michael Flanders
The Armadillo

video of Flanders and Swann performance a little under ten minutes

Subject: Lyr Add: TO KOKORAKI (trad. Greek)
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Mar 16 - 07:30 PM

One of the longer bits from At the Drop of a Hat was Donald Swann hamming it up with "To Kokoraki, Kikirikiki!"

In terms of lyrics, though, there isn't much to the little song. It is a Greek alternative to Old MacDonald Had A Farm, and like the latter, there is much repetition, and only a short phrase that is new at each repetition. So why not attempt to put it here? If anybody has an author for this, PLEASE speak up. I failed in my attempts to locate an author. Numerous Greek artists have made recordings of the song. For all I know, the author is the Greek version of Anonymous. Here goes.

TO KOKORAKI (?? ????????, lit. "The Cockerel")

Otan tha pao keera mou sto pazari                When I go, Madame, to the marketplace
Tha sou agoraso ena kokoraki                      I shall buy for you a rooster
To kokoraki ki ki ri ki ki                        The rooster goes ki ki ri ki ki
Tha se xipnaee kathe pro-ee                      And every morning it will wake you up

That's -- almost -- it.
Here's what you add:

ena petinari                                     a wee chick
To petinari tsiu tsiu                            The chick goes tsiu tsiu....

mia kotoula                                       a hen
Ee kotoula ko ko ko                               The hen goes ko ko ko....

mia gatoula                                       a cat
Ee gatoula miaou miaou                            The cat goes miaou miaou....

ena skilaki                                       a dog
To skilaki bow wow                               The dog goes bow wow....

ena arnaki                                        a sheep
To arnaki baa baa                                 The sheep goes baa baa....

ena gaidouraki                                    a donkey
To gaidouraki hee haw                            The donkey goes hee haw....

ena gouranaki                                     a pig
To gouranaki SNORRRRRRRT                         The pig goes SNORRRRRRRT....

and I can't find the Bee who goes BZZZZ BZZZZ, which only pops up when Swann gets loose of Flanders on occasion.

"I have left out the last EIGHT verses..."

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Nov 15 - 08:52 PM

"The Reluctant Cannibal!" Tricky thing about that song is that it is largely spoken monologue, and monologues change from show to show; thus, on recordings of different evenings of "Drop of a Hat" there were striking changes in recorded versions.

I grew up listening to the recording of The Reluctant Cannibal in which, after said cannibal a/k/a "Junior" hollers (Donald Swann in his very high voice),
"I Won't Let Another Man Cross My Lips!" ,

Michael Flanders (Chief Assistant of the Assistant Chief!) rants about what a coward Junior is, afraid of ending up in a pot himself: and,
"You're going the right way about it, too, son. They'll eat you even if they can't digest your opinions!"

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Jun 15 - 12:20 PM

I don't know may of their songs but one I remember from school was Ostrich song

this one is new to me.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Ted Crum (Steamchicken)
Date: 03 Jun 15 - 11:05 AM

Swann's music sounded wonderfully complex and full, but in fact is very simple in it's construction, and many of their songs are perfectly playable on D/G melodeon. I've been singing many of them for years in folk clubs to the delight/horror of my friends, and am surprised that so few other singers have taken up such gems as The Bedstead Men, All Gaul and January brings the Snow. Might even have enough for an evening: anyone want to book me!?

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Will Fly
Date: 02 Jun 15 - 09:58 AM

Apologies Owen - I've been away in Devon and Derbyshire and just had a 3rd grandchild added to my tribe! F&S went out of my head with all the excitement.

Will try and dig out the music shortly...

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 02 Jun 15 - 09:37 AM

Swann
From: GUEST,Ray - PM
Date: 02 Jun 15 - 08:54 AM

So impatient and he also wants to deprive musicians of their royalties!

Well, the relatives of F&S anyway, not sure what they did to deserve it...
But there is a ~$6 version of the sheet music here
sheet music and actually 50% of it seems to be on the illustration page, maybe you could get a friend to work out the remaining chords?

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 02 Jun 15 - 09:28 AM

Have you tried googling the "gasman cometh sheet music"? No? I did and found this

http://www.musicnotes.com/sheetmusic/mtdFPE.asp?ppn=mn0127398

Ok, you still have to pay but only a couple of quid!

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Ray
Date: 02 Jun 15 - 08:54 AM

So impatient and he also wants to deprive musicians of their royalties!

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Owen Smith
Date: 01 Jun 15 - 03:18 PM

Hi, any updates??

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Owen Smith
Date: 09 May 15 - 02:30 PM

Not a problem :) no rush just yet!

If you do happen to find it, and you happen to have a version of 'A song of the weather', I'd love that too! But the Gasman Cometh is still on my wishlist as it's been written into the script as a definite!

Best wishes

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Will Fly
Date: 09 May 15 - 12:08 PM

Still checking, Owen - the book is in a heap of music books in the music room and I haven't been able to get to wade through it yet. I'll do it as soon as I can!

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Owen Smith
Date: 09 May 15 - 09:09 AM

Hi Will,

Thanks ever so much! Quick reply too! If you need my email it is
[e-mail]

Thank you!

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Will Fly
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:18 AM

Hi Owen - I have a Flanders & Swann song book. I'll check it out for "The Gasman Cometh".

Watch this thread.

Cheers,

Will

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Owen Smith
Date: 09 May 15 - 06:05 AM

Hi all, glad I came across this thread. I am a young drama student (16 from Kent, UK!) and really need the sheet music for 'The Gasman Cometh', but it is not available on its own. I really want to avid spending £18 on a songbook considering I only want one song from it!! I was wondering if anyone who had the book would mind scanning in the sheet music for just that song? I realise the last post on this thread was some 3 years ago now, but 'GUEST,Skipper Jack' or 'John in Brisbane' or anyone else who has a copy, if you're out there, please help me out!!

Thanks very much in advance

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 Jan 12 - 07:44 AM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOA_SUKEZRE&feature=share

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Skipper Jack
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 02:24 PM

I have the book: "The Songs of Michael Flanders & Donald Swann."
Forty One songs contained therein complete with the music scores!

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Amos
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:35 AM

Flambe:

AMazon will ship their book to you in good time--it includes scores and lyrics. The book includes A TRansport of Delight (The Omnibus).


A

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Stringsinger
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:34 AM

I always liked "It all makes work for the working man to do".

I appreciate Laura Flanders (daughter) as well. Bright lady.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: flambe
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:30 AM

Just joined this site and still working out how it works. John in Brisbane said way back in 1999 that he would be happy to send Flanders and Swann songs if people requested. I really need to get hold of the sheet music for A Transport of Delight - can you JohninBrisbane or anyone help?

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: flambe
Date: 10 Jul 11 - 10:24 AM

I've just joined this site and I'm not quite sure how it works. I am desperately looking for a copy of the sheet music - voice and piano for Flanders and Swann's A Transport of Delight. I want to take it to the States with me for an engagement in just a few days. Can anyone help?

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Thomas Stern
Date: 15 May 11 - 01:54 PM

The Flanders and Swann recordings are available in many forms -
of particular interest are 2 CD box sets which comprise all the available recordings, and a video.
The songbook appears to be out of print, but copies are readily available on the secondary market.

Flanders and Swann: THE COMPLETE

Flanders and Swann: HAT TRICK

Flanders and Swann (VIDEO)

The Songs of Michael Flanders & Donald Swann (BOOK)

The links given are to Amazon (US) - this is NOT an endorsement.
Their prices are frequently excessive, and their customer service abysmal.

Best wishes, Thomas.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST
Date: 15 May 11 - 12:48 PM

Kari, a Brit in NC: I desperately need the musical score of their song, Ill Wind. I was googling it and your post came up. You said you could scan the music. Do you still have it? Thanks so much! My email is [e-mail]. I appreciate your kind attention.
Kari

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Jan 11 - 06:11 PM

The Gasman Cometh on YouTube. :-)

~ Becky in Tucson

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Barbara
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:55 PM

Here's another mudcat thread where we were sussing out the lyrics for F & S's The Gay Gondolier
It also contains some links to YouTube recordings of other F&S songs.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Gurney
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 04:10 PM

Gerry, I think that is the one I remember, judging from size. However, after I posted I did Google 'Scientific songs' and found a site called that, that does just them. Smaller, but very focussed, and soliciting augmentation.

Websites change so much, if you leave them for a while, you don't recognise them when you return.

I used to do 'Madeira, M'dear' m'self.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Tunesmith
Date: 09 Feb 09 - 03:06 AM

Back in the 60s, John Kaneen was a singer/guitarist who was everywhere on the Liverpool folk scene and he used to do a great version of Flanders and Swann's song " Have some Madeira, my dear". John moved to the Isle of Man ages ago and runs a folk music radio show.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Gerry
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 11:47 PM

Gurney, maybe you're thinking of http://www.science-groove.org/MASSIVE/searchbrowse.html where MASSIVE stands for Math And Science Song Information, Viewable Everywhere.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: fumblefingers
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 08:08 PM

I have "And Then We Wrote" that I've converted to MP3. It contains:
"In the D'Oyly Cart"
"Guide to Britten"
"Last of the Line"
"Pillar to Post"
"Prehistoric Complaint"
"Rain on the Plage"
"Rockall"
"The Album"
"The Royal Chamberlain's Regulations"
"The Seven Ages of Woman"
"There's A Hole In My Budget"
"Fragments"

Very entertaining.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Gurney
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 02:43 PM

Chatterbox, there is, or was, a site called something like 'Scientific Songs.' It contained LOTS of them, includind 'First and Second Law' and Lehrer's 'The Elements,' along with every song like them I've ever heard, and lots that I haven't.

Sorry about the vague naming, I haven't been there for some years and it may take some finding, but it does/did exist.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Bru
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 02:04 PM

There is a a book called The Songs Of Michael Flanders & Donald Swann currently available, which contains lyrics and piano score for all their songs.

I have this book, but it's presently out on loan.

However below is an Ebay link to the same book.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=370119064155&cguid=72d2dabf11e0a0aad5416101fd389f59

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Pete
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 10:17 AM

Still, the Stuttering Bum also came as a nice surprise.
Who is that Roy?
Do you by chance have the lyrics of that song?

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: HuwG
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 09:51 AM

Aaaaagh! Cut and paste wrong link from my stored list, so anyone clicking on it is in for a surprise.

Try Have some Madeira, m'dear instead.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: HuwG
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 05:49 AM

Better yet: the masters themselves, live in New York, (so with translations) 1967

Have some Madeira, m'dear

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Weasel
Date: 08 Feb 09 - 03:15 AM

There's a superb performance of "Have Some Madeira" here (sung by a chap called Eric)

have some madeira

Cheers,

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: JennieG
Date: 07 Feb 09 - 08:00 PM

Recently I found the boxed 3 CD set of Flanders and Swann at an op shop (thrift shop) - cost me $6 Ozzie - great buy!

Cheers
JennieG

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Adrian in Charleston SC
Date: 07 Feb 09 - 07:41 PM

Can anyone supply the sheet music for piano, especially for The Gas Man Cometh, Have Some Madeira M'dear and Transport of Delight
But really as much of it all as possible.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Ed
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 02:38 PM

Dave,

Have a look here. The song is actually called 'First and Second Law'

Ed

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: chatterbox
Date: 23 Jan 09 - 02:01 PM

Hi Susan A R,

I noticed from your (now very old!) post that you had transcribed 'Thermodynamics'. I've been searching the internet for an hour and not managed to find this as it is not in any of the published collections as far as I can see. Can you let me know how I can get hold of a copy?

thanks,

Dave

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Gurney
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 04:40 PM

Guest S in Kuwait, Liz's suggestion of the box set is a good one for you. I have them, but as LPs. They are mostly of live performance, so that the full flavour of MF's humour is available, but not their full repertoire. Wonderful intro's. I've also seen a music book with many of the numbers, and cartoon illustrations.

John in Brisbane, Donald Swann was the pianist, Flanders the main lyricist, a man in a wheelchair. After MF's death, DS performed a similar act for a while with a guy called Topping. Swann and Topping.'

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Penny S.
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 12:40 PM

BBC R4 had a piece on them at 1.30 pm today. The use of zeugma in Madeira was particularly commented on, as also the skill greater than that of Coward. I was walking round Waitrose at the time, and as they played the final chorus of Transport of Delight, and the last note died, in a perfect time, a baby who could not have heard it, went "Wah". It made no other sound at any time I was there. I had to explain to the mother why I laughed.

Penny

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Aug 08 - 11:58 AM

I saw Flanders and Swann on Broadway in the mid-60s -- I think it may have been the night they introduced "Twenty Tons of TNT." Certainly no one in the audience had heard it before. This was mid-60s, when war protest was still a dangerous business -- it got me blacklisted. When the song was finished, half the audience gave them a standing ovation, half (probably a little more than half) sat on their hands in stony silence.

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 21 Aug 08 - 11:12 PM

Here are all the Flanders & Swann lyrics I've been able to find at Mudcat:

These are in the Digital Tradition database:

20 TONS OF TNT
A SONG FOR THE WEATHER (mistitled "The Months")
A SONG OF PATRIOTIC PREJUDICE (mistitled "The English")
ALL GALL (This song was recorded by Flanders & Swann, but credited by them to "Sharp")
COMMONWEALTH FAIR
DESIGN FOR LIVING
ILL WIND
MADIERA, M'DEAR (mistitled "Have Some Madiera M'Dear")
MISALLIANCE
THE ARMADILLO
THE GNU SONG
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS SONG
THE RHINOCEROS
THE WARTHOG

These are posted in Mudcat threads:
(Some are listed twice because they've been posted twice.)

A SONG OF THE WEATHER
ILL WIND
IN THE BATH
MADEIRA, M'DEAR
MISALLIANCE
PHILOLOGICAL WALTZ
SLOW TRAIN
SLOW TRAIN
THE GAS-MAN COMETH
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS SONG
THE HIPPOPOTAMUS SONG
THE SLOTH
THE SPIDER
THE WOMPOM

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,Tom Bliss
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 08:12 AM

When I bought the boxed set (Hat is a different recording to the original - same songs, different jokes) I was delighted to find that I'd correctly remembered every song (I could sing all three albums back to back for you right now)!

Saw them at the Savoy as a lad - NEVER laughed so much in my life as i did at Pee Po Belly Bum Drawers!

Flanders may have been the cleverest ever English lyricist, I think he even tips our Noel, and Swann wrote perfect tunes - and was a fine player to boot.

They loom huge in my life and I'm immensely grateful

Tom

Subject: RE: Songs of Flanders and Swann
From: GUEST,S in Kuwait
Date: 21 Apr 07 - 06:59 AM

Can any one tell me if it is possible to get music on line. I live in Kuwait and need some music for a few songs quickly.

Thanks