BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010

Subject: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:02 PM

"Great Benefits"

A woman, applying for a job, inquired about the
benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her
they had group health and life insurance, but the
costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage,
as well as five year's salary for life insurance and a
month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I cannot help but ask why you would leave a job
with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said,

"The company went bankrupt."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:14 PM

Is this thread like a juke joint?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Juke Thread of 2010
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 06:20 PM

Is that one of those "ha ha ha we should all be Republicans because taking care of the poor costs us too much" jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:03 PM

Somebody's looking too hard for things to disagree about.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:09 PM

no, it's just funny.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A happy pit bull.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 09:17 PM

Male Jews are often named after their (deceased) grandfathers, and such was the case of a certain respected rabbi, who, as is customary, drank to excess at a Purim celebration, and fell asleep on the floor. The other celebrants conspired to lay him out on his grandfather's grave, reasoning that he would be sure to say something wise when he woke. So they did, and concealed themselves nearby. When he woke, he had a careful look around, and said: "I am either alive or dead. If I am alive, why am I in a graveyard under a tombstone bearing my name? But if I am dead, why do I have to piss?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Rapparee
Date: 03 Jul 10 - 10:44 PM

I like it as a juke thread...we need more juke joints.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 02:13 PM

I'd settle for more joints...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 04:35 PM

Juke of Edinburgh? Smokes joints?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Jul 10 - 08:44 PM

"The Talking Parrot"

A lady is looking to purchase a pet for companionship,
and so she goes to the local pet shop to purchase a cat or
such. However, when she arrives, she is intrigued by
the beautiful young parrot on a perch by the counter.

"Will this parrot talk?" she asks the owner.
   
"Oh yes, this parrot comes from a long line of excellent
talkers. In two weeks, he will be mimicking your
speech like he's having a conversation with you."

The lady excitedly purchases the bird in a large cage
(for a handsome fee) and takes it home.

Two weeks later, she comes into the store.

"This bird you sold me hasn't said a word!"
   
The owner looks puzzled.

"I can't understand it, that is our best talker. He
should talk when he swings. "
   
"What? You didn't sell me a swing!"

The owner happily sells her a swing for the bird's
cage.

But, two weeks later, she returns with the same
complaint.
   
"I really can't understand it, he should talk after
exercising on the ladder," the owner says.

Frustrated that he didn't tell her this before, she
buys the ladder.

Two weeks later, ...you know.
   
The owner says, "something is wrong, because
when he climbs on the stairs, and gets on his swing,
and looks into the mirror, he definitely should be
talking!"

She buys the mirror, and in two more weeks.
In she walks with the cage, containing the swing,
ladder, mirror... and one dead parrot with its legs
up in the air.

"Here's your mute bird and all the junk you sold me -
all I want is my money back!"
   
The owner was dumbfounded.

"Lady, this is the first parrot that has ever come back -
didn't the parrot say any words at all??"
   
"Well, now that you mention it, he did, say one thing,"
she said.

"He said, 'Doesn't... that... shop... sell.... Bird food?!?'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 08:30 AM

"Letters on the Collar"

A priest was walking along the school corridor near
the preschool wing when a group of little ones were
trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad
of about three or four stopped and looked at him in
his clerical clothes and asked,

"Why do you dress funny?"

He told him that he was a priest and that this is the
uniform priests wear.

The boy pointed to the priest's little plastic collar insert
and asked, "Does it hurt? Do you have a Boo-boo?"

The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him
the collar insert looked like a Band-Aid. So the priest
took it out to show him. On the back of the collar are
raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.

The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked,
"Do you know what those words say?"

"Yes I do," said the lad who was not old enough to
read.

Peering intently at the letters he said, "It says,
'Kills ticks and fleas for up to six months!' "

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jul 10 - 07:28 PM

I forgot to add to the motif of my previous post:

What's the difference between a rich Scotsman, a puir Scotsman, and a deid Scotsman?

A rich Scotsman has a canopy over his bed. A puir Scotsman has a can o' pee under his bed. And a deid Scotsman canna pee at a'.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Jul 10 - 09:39 AM

"Conflicting Proverbs "

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come
all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Jul 10 - 02:12 PM

The Real Story of the 3 Little Pigs

Once there were three little pigs who lived together in mutual respect and in harmony with their environment. Using materials that were indigenous to the area, they each built a beautiful house.

One pig built a house of straw, one a house of sticks, and one a house of dung, clay, and creeper vines shaped into bricks and baked in a small kiln fired from methane gas from his environmentally correct outhouse. When they were finished, the pigs were satisfied with their work and settled back to live in peace and self-determination. But their idyll was soon shattered.

One day, along came a big, bad wolf with expansionist ideas. He saw the pigs and grew very hungry in both a physical and ideological sense. When the pigs saw the wolf, they ran into the house of straw. The wolf ran up to the house and banged on the door, shouting, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The pigs shouted back, "Your gunboat tactics hold no fear for pigs defending their homes and native culture!"

But the wolf wasn't to be denied what he thought was his manifest destiny. So he huffed and puffed and blew down the house of straw. The frightened pigs ran to the house of sticks, with the wolf in hot pursuit. Where the straw house had stood, other wolves bought up the land and started a banana plantation using petroleum-based fertilizers and pesticides which contaminate the groundwater.

At the house of sticks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

The little pigs shouted back, "Go to Hell, you carnivorous, imperialistic oppressor!"

At this the wolf huffed and puffed and blew down the house of sticks. The pigs ran to the house of bricks, with the wolf close at their heels. Where the house of sticks had stood, other wolves have now built a time-share condo resort complex for other vacationing wolves. Each unit was a fiberglass reconstruction of the house of sticks, as well as native curio shops, snorkeling and exploitative shows featuring dolphins captured from the wild.

At the house of bricks, the wolf again banged on the door and shouted, "Little pigs, little pigs, let me in!"

This time in response the little pigs sang songs of solidarity and wrote letters of protest to the United Nations. By now the wolf was getting angry at the pigs' refusal to see the situation from the carnivore point of view. So he huffed and puffed, then grabbed his chest and fell over dead of a massive heart attack brought on by eating too many fatty foods. The three little pigs rejoiced that justice had triumphed and did a little dance around the corpse of the wolf.

Their next step was to liberate their homeland. They gathered together a band of other pigs who had been forced off their lands. This new brigade of "porcinistas" attacked the resort complex with machine guns and rocket launchers and slaughtered the cruel wolf oppressors, sending a clear signal to the rest of the hemisphere not to meddle in their internal affairs.

Then the pigs set up a model socialist democracy with free education, universal health care, and affordable housing for everyone.

Author's note:
The wolf was a metaphorical construct. No actual wolf was harmed in the writing of this story.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Jul 10 - 09:53 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"   

"Information? I need the number of Caseway
Insurance Company."

"Would you spell that, please?"

"Certainly. That's C as in cadence. A as in aye. S as in sea.
E as in eye. W as in why. A as in are. Y as in you."

"Just a minute, sir. I'll connect you with my supervisor."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 13 Jul 10 - 03:03 AM

He Uncle Dave, ya forgot one,

Laughter is the best medecine, unless you've got asthma, then it's Ventalin.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 05:01 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"

I'm sorry but I do not get that one...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Michael
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 05:58 AM

"How Do You Spell That?"

When the letters are used in the words given they sound like other letters;
C in cadence = K, A as in Aye = I, S as in sea = C etc.
So they are no help in spelling.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Jul 10 - 08:43 AM

"Lottery Ticket"

I was working on my retirement plan at my desk yesterday
(scratching lottery tickets) when TZ walked up behind me.

"Did we win anything?" he asked.

"What do you mean 'we?'" I answered.

"Do you mean to tell me you wouldn't cut me in on any big
winnings?"

"Why would I?"

"You're in my will."

"I doubt that."

"You are!" he exclaimed. "I'm leaving you all of my under-
wear that are too small for me anymore."

"Do you wow your wife with this kind of humor?"

"All the time." he answered.

"And you're still married. The generosity of women never
ceases to amaze me."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Jul 10 - 10:04 AM

"Miracle"

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for
speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol
on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle
on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's
done it again!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 10 - 10:36 AM

The doc told my friend that the best way to lose weight was to eat slightly less over two days than normal and skip the third day... that way he could lose up to a kilo in a fortnight.
When he went back to the doc a fortnight later.. he had lost three kilos ... the doc asked "Did you follow my instructions"? " Of course I did" said my friend.. the doc couldn't understand why he lost so much weight...... My friend told him "I was feeling really ill at the end of the third day doc"... the doc replied.. "I guess that was the hunger".... "No" replied my friend "It was all the skipping"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Jul 10 - 09:08 PM

"Questions Most Often Asked At A 99-Cent Store"

10. "How much is this?"

9. "Is this necklace real gold?"

8. "Do these Tampa Bay Devil Rays sweatshirts
come in medium?"

7. "So let me get this straight -- everything
here is 99 cents?"

6. "How much is this?"

5. "Do you have anything nicer for $1.99?"

4. "How much is this 'Best of Ray Stevens' CD?"

3. "Didn't this used to be a White Castle?"

2. "Do you have change of a dollar bill?"

1. "Can someone go to the bank and get more
pennies?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Jul 10 - 09:25 AM

"Five"

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw
my buddy Doug. I walked up to him and mentioned
that I had the most bizarre dream the night before last.

Doug listened intently as I told him that the dream
consisted of one thing and one thing only. So I told him
that all I had dreamt about was a huge glowing number
"5." It made of gold and sparkled with diamonds.

Doug's curiosity was piqued. I went on to say that the
first thing that I did in the morning was to grab the daily
racing digest and look up the fifth race. Doug raised an
eyebrow. So I told him that the #5 horse in the fifth race
was named "The Fifth Element." Doug started grinning.
Then I told Doug point-by-point what I did that day.

I ate five bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank five
cups of coffee - I went for a five mile jog to clear my head -
I took a five minute shower - I dressed in the fifth suit I
found in my closet - I sat in my car for five minutes before
starting it up - I drove to the racetrack and parked in the
fifth stall in the fifth row - I entered through the fifth
admissions gate - I bought five programs - I went to the
fifth betting window and bet $555 on the fifth horse in
the fifth race - I went and sat in the fifth row of the
bleachers making sure there were five people sitting
on either side of me. I settled in and waited for the
race to start.

"Well," said Doug. "Did the horse win?"

I smiled at Doug and said, "Of course not, he came in fifth."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Jul 10 - 02:17 PM

"My Knee Hurts"

Old man Johnson limped into the doctor's office and
said, "Doc, my knee hurts so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused
and then said, "Mr. Johnson, just how old are you?"

"98!" Johnson announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed, and looked at him again. . .

Finally he said, "Sir, I'm sorry. I mean, just look at you.
You're practically one hundred years old, and you're
complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you
expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old
too, and it don't hurt!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Jul 10 - 08:02 PM

In the beginning there was nothing, which decayed.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 12:13 AM

A man who needed to borrow some money went into a bank.

"Are you the loan arranger?" he asked the man behind the window.

"No, sir," the teller replied, "I'm Wyatt Earp."


{Reminded of this 1950s tv-refd pleasantry by some remarks in the recently revived Billy·the·Kid thread...}

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 01:58 AM

My sisters heard this and thought my grandson would like it:

Do you know why sharks swim only in salt water?



























Because they don't like pepper!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 02:13 PM

Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

This evening the doorbell rang. We live in a predominantly Jewish suburban neighborhood of single family houses, a demographic fact known far and wide. I opened the door and was greeted by a nicely dressed man.

"I have come to bring Jesus to your home," he said.

I reacted almost immediately and asked, "Is he coming for dinner?"

The man said, "He will come any time you are ready."

A-ha, I had a live one. "Well, tonight we're having a stir fry. Does Jesus like chicken?" I asked. The man's eyes glazed slightly. "I don't know if he still keeps kosher, after all these years," I continued, "but this is a kosher home, so he'll be able to eat."

He gulped, "What?"

"You mean Jesus Christ, don't you?" I asked. He nodded. I continued, "Born in Bethlehem?" He nodded and started to back away from my door. I smiled and said, "If that's the guy, he's Jewish." As he started to turn away, I said, "You're invited too, but no butter on your dinner roll," and the guy almost ran down the walk.

My wife asked me who was at the door and I told her, "Some friend of Jesus."

She knows me. She shrugged. "And did you invite him in?" she asked.

I nodded, "Sure. I invited him and Jesus to dinner, but the guy ran away."

She walked back into the kitchen and said over her shoulder, "You don't speak Aramaic, dummy. Jesus would have a lousy evening here."

I told you, she knows me. I forgot all about the language problem.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Aug 10 - 07:18 PM

What's the difference between a medicine bottle and a penis?

A medicine bottle you "Shake well *before* using".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 10:02 AM

"It's a What?"

A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a
beer just as former President George Bush, Jr. aired
on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at
the television and mumbled ,"Now, there is the
biggest horse's ass I have ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up,
walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer,
former President Ronald Reagan appeared on the
television. "He is a horse's ass too!" the man said.

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar
quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked
him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the
bar. "This must be Republican country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied, "Horse country!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 03:17 PM

The Longest Password

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: katlaughing
Date: 04 Aug 10 - 11:30 PM

Those last two are great! LOL!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Aug 10 - 10:07 AM

"Something For The House"

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and
the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and
later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at
the front door, and as she stood at the top of the
stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk,
trying to navigate the stairs.

"Do you realize what time it is?" she said.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because
I bought something for the house."

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran
down the stairs to help him, she said, "What did
you buy for the house, dear?"

His answered, "A round of drinks!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Aug 10 - 05:44 PM

"Don't Blame The Doc, Doc"

A patient was waiting nervously in the examination
room of a famous specialist.

"So who did you see before coming to me?" asked
the doctor.

"My local General Practitioner."

"Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a waste of
time. Tell me, what sort of useless advice did he
give you?"

"He told me to come and see you."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ron Davies
Date: 19 Aug 10 - 09:23 PM

Dave O--

Your 3 Little Pigs story is one of the best things I've read in years--an instant classic.   And I'm not alone in this. Where did you get it?

Ron

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ron Davies
Date: 19 Aug 10 - 09:25 PM

Or did you write it?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Aug 10 - 02:20 PM

No, more's the pity, I didn't write it.   

I'll PM you.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 21 Aug 10 - 01:39 PM

"Inoculations"

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client
had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered,

"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 04:48 PM

A married Irishman went into the Confessional, and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 05:41 PM

"You see that white animal with the silver horns ~~ isn't it a water buffalo?"

"No; it's a wash bison."

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 06:02 PM

Old Buddies Get Together

A group of 50-year-old buddies meet in their college town for a reunion, and discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the food there is very good and the wine selection is the best in town.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Chez Snooty because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible, and they even have an elevator.

Ten years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets for one last reunion, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty, because none of them have ever been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 06:28 AM

{Probably the most un-PC joke I know, which for some reason came back into my mind just now after must be 50 or so years & still made me smile at the recollection}


What is the definition of a wife?

It is a gadget you screw on the bed and it does the housework.


Sorry.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 03:14 PM

Classifieds

    These classifieds actually ran in a
    Minneapolis newspaper -
    a smile for your day....
   
    FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER
    8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
   
    FREE PUPPIES
    1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog...
   
    FREE PUPPIES
    Mother, AKC German Shepherd
    Father, Super Dog. Able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
   
    FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG
    Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
    Better be a big reward.
   
    COWS: NEVER BRED
    Also 1 gay bull for sale..
   
    NORDIC TRACK
    $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
   
    GEORGIA PEACHES
    California grown - 89 cents/lb.
   
    JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
    Must sell washer and dryer $300.
   
    WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
    Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
   
    And the best one?
   
    FOR SALE BY OWNER:
    Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.      
    Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer
    needed, Got married last month. Husband knows everything.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 04:11 PM

An elderly man went into a brothel and told the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looked at the ancient man and asked, 'How old are you?'

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'You're 90!' replied the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' said the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 09:06 PM

Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears.

Seeing their dire situation, the genie figures he can get away with granting only one wish, and tells them so.

"Just one?" the lamp finder says.

"Just one," the genie confirms.

"I've always known what my one wish would be if I got it," the man says: "Turn the entire ocean into VB!"

The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.

The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, "Nice going, mate! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Aug 10 - 03:26 PM

Fantastic Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. It's an invention of mine I've been working on. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake.

"Zoom out," Jake says, and the display changes to show all of eastern New York State.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor.

"But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with laser paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 3000 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."

"I'll give you $1,000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you $5,000 for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8,500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.

They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute!" calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station.

"Don't forget your batteries."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 12:16 PM

"Cows"

A city slicker was visiting a dude ranch and being
shown around. As they were walking the visitor
said to one of the cowhands. "Are we going to be
driving that big bunch of cows over there?"

The hired hand replied, "Not bunch, it's a herd."

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure I've heard of cows," exclaimed the slicker,
"There's a bunch of 'em right over there."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: RangerSteve
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 06:25 PM

A variation of Uncle Dave-O's last entry, my brother and I do this as a dialogue:
Look at that bunch of cows.

Not "bunch", it's a Herd.

Herd of what?

Herd of cows.

Sure I've heard of cows.

No, no, a cow herd

What do I care, I've got no secrets from a cow.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 05:28 PM

Old Buddies Get Together for Dinner

A group of 50-year-old buddies meet in their college town for a reunion, and discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the waitresses there have low-cut blouses and nice breasts.

Ten years later, at 60 years of age, the group meets again, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because the food there is very good and the wine selection is the best in town.

Ten years later at 70 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty because they can eat there in peace and quiet, and the restaurant is smoke free.

Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group meets again and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Chez Snooty because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible, and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 90 years of age, the group meets for one last reunion, and once again they discuss and discuss where they should meet. Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at Chez Snooty, because none of them have ever been there before.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 09:15 PM

A metajoke, Uncle DaveO? (see 23 Aug 10 6:02pm, above)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Aug 10 - 09:16 PM

23 Aug 10 - 06:02 PM to 31 Aug 10 - 05:28 PM. About 8 days. Does that qualify as short-term memory loss?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 05:52 PM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Sep 10 - 06:17 PM

"Forgive me, father, for I have sinned. I've become a prostitute."
"You've become WHAT?"
"A prostitute, father."
"Praise the Lord! I thought at first you said a Protestant."

*

A graduate student came around a blind corner in the cafeteria and nearly collided with his professor. "My God!" said the student, "I nearly hit you." "I told you not to call me that in public," said the professor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Sep 10 - 06:48 PM

"Dog Words"

The teacher was telling the class about plants
that have the word "dog" in front of them:
dogrose, dogwood, dog violet.

She asked the class if they could name another
flower with the prefix "dog."

Steven raised his hand and said, "Sure, Miss
Jones, a 'collie' flower!"


------


"Inoculations"

A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies
to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one
another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to
tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on
the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened
each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client
had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head,
the woman leaned forward and whispered,

"I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 04:15 AM

Senile dementia setting in?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 05:26 PM

Probably.

But I didn't think everybody would get the joke, so I ran it by again.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Sep 10 - 06:27 PM

In a convent, two nuns are gossiping. One says, in a whisper, "I hear there's a case of syphilis in the kitchen." "Good!" says the other, "I've been getting tired of Beaujolais."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 02:24 PM

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 08:52 PM

The Queen of England knighted Rush Limbaugh and dubbed him Sir Osis of Liver.

When doctors did a sonogram on LImbaughs Liver, it was so dead, shrunken and black that they distinctly heard his liver say "Wachu talkin bout Willis."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Sep 10 - 01:47 PM

12 Ways E-mail is Like... a Male Reproductive Organ

Some folks have it, some don't.

Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.

Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.

Those who don't have it agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.

Many of those who don't have it wish they did (aka, e-mail envy).

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it more difficult to get any real work done.

In the long distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species.

If you don't apply the appropriate measures, it can easily spread viruses.

If you use it too much, you'll find that it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrants.

Most people play with it way too much.

and...

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Sep 10 - 07:00 PM

California Drivers License Test Answers (Allegedly)

California supposedly has the best drivers -- but there are always exceptions.

These are supposedly real answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders). Riiiiight.

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Drive like minamoto.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Sep 10 - 12:46 PM

Wedding Night Photos

On their first night to be together, the newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."

The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh," he exclaims, "you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?"

He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe. "We are married now," the new wife says. "You can open your robe!"

At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "Oh, my! Let me get a picture."

He beams and asks, "Why?"

She answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 01:31 PM

A Day in Hell

A young man from Tampa dies, and, unfortunately, goes to Hell. As per routine, he's assigned to work in the sulfur pits. Lucifer comes by on a tour one day, and he sees the boy whistling and laughing and enjoying himself. Well, Lucifer walks up to the young man and says "Boy, why are you so happy? Aren't you hot enough?"
The young man answers: "Well, it's sure hot down here, but it reminds me of July back in Tampa!"

Lucifer thinks about this for a bit, and decides to raise the temperature in the sulfur pits, just to show the boy who's boss. Well, he comes on by on tour again a few days later, and finds the boy still laughing and whistling and having a grand old time.

So Lucifer goes up to the boy and says "Boy, I turned the heat up -- why are you so happy?"

The young man smiles and says "Well, sir, it is hotter now than it was, but this isn't any different than a warm day in August. It feels just like home."

So Lucifer goes away, and starts to thinking, and then he gets a big grin on his face. (I'd call it a devilish grin, but that's kind of redundant).

Lucifer thinks to himself, "Let's see how that Tampa boy likes the cold." So he goes and turns the heat way down in the sulfur pits, so it gets icy cold, and there's snow and ice everywhere and the winds howling and the tortured souls are getting frozen left and right.

He goes and checks on the boy, and the boy is still laughing -- in fact he seems to be laughing even harder than before!

"Boy," says Lucifer. "You were happy when it was hot, and now you're happy that it's cold. Why are you so happy?"

The boy answers, with a big grin on his face. "It's a cold day in Hell! The Bucs must be in the Superbowl!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: quokka
Date: 15 Sep 10 - 05:17 AM

„X        John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious...
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure."

So he sat down and emailed his mother, he wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received an email from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Sep 10 - 01:56 PM

According to Alfred Denning (1899-1999), a British soldier, mathematician, lawyer and judge:

-----
"When a diplomat says yes, he means perhaps.

When he says perhaps he means no.

When he says no, he is not a diplomat.

When a lady says no, she means perhaps.

When she says perhaps, she means yes.

But when she says yes, she is not a lady."

--From his Speech to the Magistrates Association
October 14, 1982

(Another great Lord Denning quote:

"The House of Commons starts its proceedings with a prayer. The chaplain looks at the assembled members with their varied intelligence and then prays for the country."

--In the Daily Telegraph, October 12, 1989)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: LadyJean
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 12:16 AM

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The size of the dirt bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Midchuck
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 09:43 AM

From Lady Jean:

What's the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The size of the dirt bag.

Good joke, but twenty years out of date. Harley riders now are mostly executives, doctors, dentists, lawyers, CPAs and such. No one else can afford 'em.

Peter

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 05:03 PM

Lord Denning, 1982, 3 above, on diplomats and ladies. Always a favourite of my father's as far back as I can recall ~~ at least to the 1930s. Oh, well, as they say, the old ones are the best ~~ even for the Master Of The Rolls.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 24 Sep 10 - 11:24 PM

"Harley riders now are mostly executives, doctors, dentists, lawyers, CPAs and such."

I'd say the joke still works. I've known representatives from all those professions. The best one of them all was the dentist.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 25 Sep 10 - 05:27 PM

Two old men are seated in an eatery. The first one orders a glass of tea. The second says "I want a glass to tea too -- and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with a glass in each hand and says "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 11:31 AM

"The Slowest Buffalo"

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest
buffalo.

When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest
ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole,
because the general speed and health of the whole
group keeps improving by the regular killing of the
weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain
cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest
brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates
the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and
more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Oct 10 - 09:12 PM

What I Learned from the Movies

More things you would never know if it weren't for the movies.

All grocery shopping bags contain at least one loaf of French bread and one bunch of carrots with leafy tops.

It's easy to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

If you are beautiful, your makeup never rubs off, even while scuba-diving or fighting aliens. However if you are overweight or ugly, your mascara will run and your lipstick will smear.

The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty, without getting dirty, and without being heard.

You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the terrible mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.

Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. English spoken in a cheesy German accent will do.

A man will show no pain while taking the most horrific beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his resulting wounds.

If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphanous underwear, which is what they happened to be wearing when the car broke down.

If someone says "I'll be right back," they won't.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel from time to time.

All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.

A police detective can only solve a case after he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone around you will be able to mirror all the steps you come up with, and can hear the music in your head.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure each is assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 02:47 AM

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Texas when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASApage on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a senator in Obama's Government", says Bud.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?""No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ...

Now give me back my dog.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 04:19 PM

Sticking Up For Your Client

The following exchange supposedly occurred on March 5, 1997 on the show "Politically Incorrect" between host Bill Maher and lawyer Leslie Abramson, who defended the Menendez brothers in their trial for the shotgun murder of their parents:

Bill: When do lawyers give a damn about the facts?

Leslie: When did you or Geraldo give a damn about the facts?

Bill: You defended the Menendez kids. What do you care about facts?

Leslie: I don't remember seeing you in the courtroom, Bill, so you absolutely don't know anything about the trial.

Bill: I knew they blew their parents' heads off.

Leslie: No, they didn't. They didn't blow their parents heads off.

Bill: The Menendez kids didn't blow their parents heads off?

Leslie: No!

Bill: What did they do?

Leslie: They unloaded shotguns in their direction.

(Editorial note: The brothers were found guilty, and are in prison.)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: RangerSteve
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 12:01 PM

Uncle Dave - No doubt people are going to add to your list, so here's at least one: Even in the most traffic congested city, the police will find a parking space in front of the building they're going to investigate.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 01:29 PM

In American films people always have sex with their underwear on.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 05:12 PM

Georgiansilver - that's one that predates Obama, and appears mostly as a pasture in California (although the geography does vary a bit, including "New South Wales"!). Used to be "The Cowboy and the Yuppie". The technology is occasionally updated, apparently; he's no longer using his Palm Pilot, but "Dell Notebook computer"?? Oughta be an iPad. :-)

~ Becky in Long Beach

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 05 Oct 10 - 06:50 PM

For movie clichés, see the threads
BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies,
BS: Unwritten Rules of the Movies II, and
BS: only in the movies

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 06 Oct 10 - 08:39 PM

Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share
all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden..'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any
worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well, that's because we aren't married yet.'

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 11:53 AM

Puns for Educated Minds
   
    1.
    The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
    He acquired his size from too much pi.
   
    2.
    I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be
    an optical Aleutian.
   
    3.
    She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
   
    4.
    A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was
    a weapon of math disruption.
   
    5.
    No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
   
    6.
    A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
   
    7.
    A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
    Blownapart.
   
    8.
    Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
   
    9.
    A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking
    into it.
   
    10.
    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
   
    11.
    Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
   
    12.
    Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the
    other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
   
    13.
    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
   
    14.
    A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
   
    15.
    The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at
    large.
   
    16.
    The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
    veteran.
   
    17.
    A backward poet writes inverse.
   
    18.
    In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count
    that votes.
   
    19.
    When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
   
    20.
    If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .
   
    21.
    A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess
    looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per
    passenger.'
   
    22.
    Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says
    'Dam!'
   
    23.
    Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
    craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
    your kayak and heat it too.
   
    24.
    Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other
    says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
   
    25.
    Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
    canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
   
    26.
    There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at
    least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 03:08 PM

"Puns for educated minds" reminded me of Jokes by Steven Wright. He's famous for his 2-liners. Here are some of my favorites:

The sign at the café said "Breakfast served any time." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

Some people are afraid of heights. Not me; I'm afraid of widths.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Smokey.
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 04:14 PM

Q: How much beauty does it take to launch a ship?

A: One millihelen.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Oct 10 - 08:21 PM

Smokey: Whereas a microhelen suffices to arouse one sailor.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Oct 10 - 10:01 AM

Roger's #9 above reminds me of the robbery at our local police station in which all the washroom accessories were stolen. The police say they have nothing to go on.

~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ed T
Date: 09 Oct 10 - 11:06 PM

An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "Don't know" said the farmer. "Never could catch the son of a bitch!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 10:00 AM

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:


2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman


2 French men and 1 French woman


2 German men and 1 German woman


2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman


2 English men and 1 English woman


2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman


2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman


2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman


2 American men and 1 American woman


2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman



One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following events have occurred:


One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.


The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.


The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.


The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.


The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.


The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.


The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.


The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.


The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.


The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 01:48 PM

"Angel Cake"

Sarah Kay was studying the origins of foods in kindergarten.
One day, she and her mother were walking through the
grocery store discussing what ingredients went into various
products.

Sarah Kay said, "Pork comes from pigs and beef comes
from cows." Then she asked, "How DO they get the pork
from the pig, Mommy?"

Her mother felt that the truth was the only way to go, so
she explained that they kill the animal to eat its meat.

Horrified, Sarah Kay went past shelves staring at the meat
and saying, "They KILLED a cow to get THIS?" She could not
believe it, and her little heart was broken.

Then, they went to the bakery where Sarah Kay began to
check out the various donuts and goodies. She noticed
a beautiful white cake and asked, "Mommy, what is this
cake called?"

Her mother replied, "It's an angelfood cake, honey."

Immediately Sarah Kay's eyes filled with big tears and she
wailed, "You mean they KILLED an ANGEL to make this?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 03:13 PM

An american rancher visits his irish farmer cousin. He asks "How big a place have you got here?"
The irishman says, "I can set out in the morning to walk the perimeter, and I won't get back till it's dark."
The cousin says "I start out in the morning to DRIVE round my ranch, and I don't get back till midnight."
"Aye" says the paddy. "I used to have a car like that, too."


What's black and blue and floats in the Irish Sea?
The last Englisnman to tell an Irish joke in my local.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Oct 10 - 08:27 PM

DaveO: You mean they *castrated* a codfish to make these?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Oct 10 - 12:49 PM

Only if they're making codfish balls.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MudGuard
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 05:01 PM

I think I get all the puns - except

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Might be because my English is limited - but I need it explained ...

Thanks in advance.

Andy/MudGuard

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 12 Oct 10 - 05:27 PM

Mudguard, assuming that you know the word "kayak" as the small one or maybe two person skin boat made and used by Eskimoes, we'll go on to the pun involved.

It's a punning change on "You can't have your cake and eat it too," an extremely common folk saying in English, which means that you can't dispose of a good both by consumption and preservation; you've got to choose.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Dead Horse
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 05:30 PM

The Dentist with a good sense of humor....

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.
The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.
"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.
"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!
The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".
The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".
The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"! "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!
"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,folkiedave
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 05:47 PM

Two blokes touring Australia and have arrived at Kakadu (Crocodile Dundee Country). They see a man being swallowed by a crocodile and only his head is showing.

One turns to the other and says "Would you look at that poser in his Lacoste sleeping bag".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Oct 10 - 08:12 PM

A Bostonian and his guest from out of town were strolling in the Back Bay one evening. Said the guest, "What are all those bright lights over there?" "Oh, that's Fenway Park. There must be a game on." "But what are those big black things flitting around the lights?" "Well, the lights attract insects, and those are bats that come out to eat the insects. They're baseball bats."

*

Teacher: "The Indians had bows so strong they could shoot an arrow into a buffalo right up to the feathers. Student: "But buffaloes don't have feathers."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MudGuard
Date: 16 Oct 10 - 03:14 PM

sorry for the late reaction, Dave - and thanks for the explanation.

I didn't know the proverb about the cake - and thus was punished (SCNR) with not seeing the similarity to the heated kayak ...

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 17 Oct 10 - 05:58 AM

What's green and grows and has five legs?

Grass.






(I was lying about the five legs.)



~Michael~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Oct 10 - 04:56 PM

"Buying Hats"

My wife Carol and I were visiting her 95-year-old
grandfather when he asked us to take him to buy
a new hat.

Carol took me aside. "I'm worried that he doesn't
have enough money, and he'll be very embarrassed,"
she said. So I asked the salesperson to tell my wife's
grandfather that whichever hat he chose cost $15.
I would pay the difference.

Grandpa picked out a $60 hat and was charged $15.
After he left, I paid the other $45.

Later he said, "What a bargain! The last one I bought
there cost me $60."


--------


"Age"

An older lady is making her first visit to her new
doctor's office. Before seeing the doctor she is
required to fill out forms. A nurse in the office
offers to help her do this. The nurse starts by asking,
"How old are you, Mrs. Silver?"

"None of your business," she responds.

The nurse then says, "But the doctor must know
your age for his records."

Mrs. Silver replies, "Okay. Well, first, multiply twenty
by two, then add ten. Got that?"

"Yes. Fifty." answers the nurse.

"All right, now subtract fifty, and tell me, what do
you get?"

The nurse says, "Zero."

Mrs. Silver responds, "Right! And that's exactly the
chance of me telling you my age."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Oct 10 - 09:34 PM

"Oldest Profession"

Three friends - a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician -
were discussing which of their professions was the oldest.
The surgeon said "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a
surgical procedure."

The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was
created out of chaos, and that was an engineering job."

The politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created
the chaos?"


-----


"Suspicious Tie"

At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court
judge found a green tie that was a perfect match for
one of her husband's sports jackets.

Soon after, while the couple was vacationing at a
resort complex to get his mind off a rather
complicated cocaine conspiracy case, he noticed
a small, round disc sewn into the design of the tie.

The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was
equally suspicious that it might be a 'bug' planted
by the conspiracy defendants. The agent sent the
device to FBI headquarters in Washington, DC for
analysis.

Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington
office to learn the results of their tests.

"We're not sure where the disc came from," the FBI
told him, "but we discovered that when you press it,
it plays 'Jingle Bells'."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 24 Oct 10 - 02:37 AM

Uncle Dave, your "Oldest Profession" joke reminds me of a similar one:

Three engineers were wondering what kind of engineer God must be. The electrical engineer claims it has to be his profession. "Look at the nervous system, and incredible matrix of impulses allowing control of every part of the body."

"No," says the mechanical engineer. "Look at the blood system. It carries nutrition and hormones to each part of the body and eliminates waste the same way. It's a perfect system."

"Nope," replied the third person. "He HAS to be a civil engineer."

"What?" cry the other two. "How can you say that?"

"Who else," said the civil engineer calmly, "would run a sewage disposal system through a major recreational area?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 24 Oct 10 - 04:32 AM

A town planner?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Oct 10 - 05:27 PM

"Wish Fulfillment"

Two men are driving through New York when they
get pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walks
up and taps on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the
cop smacks him in the head with the stick. The
driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"

The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we
pull you over, you better have your license ready
when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around
here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's
clean. He gives the guy his license back, walks around
to the passenger side, and taps on the window.

The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the
cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road
you're gonna say to your buddy, 'I wish that asshole
would've tried that crap with me!'"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe Offer
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 12:25 AM

This is definite proof that we have become too dependent on our computers.

Question:

Are you Male or female?

To find out the answer, Look down...

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Look down, not scroll down !!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 08:50 AM

Usually a town planner is also a civil engineer. S/he has to be civil. Usually people are upset with him/her.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 10:28 AM

A three foot psychic has escaped from prison. Police say to be on the lookout for a small medium at large.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 10:59 AM

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried said, "Dad, I think the FedEx guy wants to buy Mom."

----------------------------------------------------------------------


On a man's 74th birthday, he got a gift certificate. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby New York reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4," he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his partner to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His girl friend was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 11:03 AM

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.
One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 11:07 AM

A precious little girl walks into a PetSmart shop and asks, in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 11:40 AM

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 11:42 AM

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "Previously, it would take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now *I* do it in seven."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 11:55 AM

President Obama goes on Glen Beck Show

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Oct 10 - 07:04 PM


"George And The Dragon"

A tramp who had tramped many miles along a
rough outback track came to a small pub named
'George and the Dragon' and made his way around
the back in search of a handout.

Before he had time to ask, the publican's wife came
on the scene and gave the tramp the greatest
verbal thrashing of his life. She called him a lazy
good-for-nothing loafer and added if he was hoping
to get even a crust of bread he could forget it.

The tramp heard her out in silence, then just stood
there.

"Well," she snapped, "now what is it you want?"

"I was wondering," said the man, "if I could have
a word with George?"


--------


"Pirate's Injuries"

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook
for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down
on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls.

Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and
ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.

The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me
ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then,
a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off."

The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them
boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he
gave me this hook."

Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"

"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just
as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business
right in me eye."

The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that
cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook..."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 10 - 03:28 PM

"Halloween Authenticity"

A Blonde went into a pet shop and asked the owner
if he had any parrots. The owner replied, "Sorry, I
don't have any at the moment."

"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I have been invited
to a fancy dress party for the first time in my life, and I
have been told to be as authentic as possible, hence
the need for the parrot." explained the Blonde.

"Well," said the owner, "if you come back here next week,
specifically on Thursday, I am expecting a shipment from
South America and I'll be able to supply you with a parrot,
guaranteed,"

"Damn and blast!" said the blonde, "I can't come on that
day or for some time after."

"Why not?" asked the owner.

"Because that is the day I'm having my leg amputated!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 07:17 AM

How's YOUR day going?

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me.

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the arsenic dissolve.

"Then some jerk shows up and drinks the whole thing!

"But enough about me, how's your day going?"


RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bainbo
Date: 03 Nov 10 - 05:29 PM

Courtesy of the English comedian Simon Evans: Three new fathers - an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani - find their babies have been mixed up at the maternity hospital. The doctor apologises, and offers to let them each go in and sort it out for themselves, picking the one they think is theirs.

First in is the Englishman, who comes out carrying a baby who is clearly Pakistani. The Pakistani father points this out to him. "That may be so," says the Englishman. "But one of those two in there is Welsh, and I'm not taking any chances."

(Please watch the clip. He tells it so much better than I do, deconstructing the joke as he goes along).



By the way, if anyone fancies performing Uncle Dave's George and the Dragon joke, it was written as a monologue in 1933 by Marriott Edgar, for the actor and music-hall comedian Stanley Holloway. Although Edgar was Scottish and Holloway was from London, it was written - as were all of the famous pieces from that partnership - to be recited in a North of England accent.

And BiilD - I did like your story about the Irishman wanting a memorial service for his pet. But offering $5,000? Would those be Irish dollars, or European dollars?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Nov 10 - 08:19 PM

"Pocket Buddy"

Rodney walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me
two shots. One for me and one for my best buddy here."

The bartender says, "You want both drinks now or do
you want me to wait until your buddy arrives to pour
his?"

Rodney says, "Oh, I want them both now. I've got my
best buddy in my pocket here." With that he pulls out
a little 3-inch man from his pocket.

The bartender says, "Wow! And you mean to say he can
drink that much?"

"Oh, sure. He can drink it all, and then some."

So the bartender poured the two shots. Sure enough,
the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing," says the
bartender. "What else can he do? Can he walk?"

Rodney flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and
says, "Hey Al, go get that quarter!" The little guy runs down
to the end of the bar, picks up the quarter, and runs back
down and gives it to Rodney.

The bartender is totally amazed by this display. "That's
amazing," he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

Rodney looks up at the bartender with a look of surprise
in his eye and squawks, "Talk? Sure he talks. Hey Al, tell him
about that time we were in down in Africa on safari and
you insulted that witch doctor!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 06:20 AM

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise
for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I
have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle
wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the
doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp
from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have
experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and
every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a
delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the
crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in
place." Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed
uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom. "Now," she
announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the
doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." All the
men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone
else had something to say.


A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just
want to tell my wife the word is sternum

RtS
PS It reminds me of thetime my dear old mum, preparing for a dinner-dance told us she had bought a "nice gold durex* blouse". Dad & I cracked up & I got my ears boxed.
*US equivalent would be "trojan" but it doesn't work with "lurex".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Nov 10 - 01:46 PM

Roger: The joke also doesn't work if you've never heard of Lurex (which I hadn't).

I had, however, heard of gold lamé, which seems to be a generic term, while Lurex is a brand name.

It might be one of those vacuum cleaner/Hoover things.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 16 Nov 10 - 09:17 AM

Jim,Lurex: I think it was a 1960s thing! I always remember a bespoke tailors in Birmingham called Zissman's which used to outfit bands & the cooler guys. They had a gold lame suit in the window which I craved. Fortunately, by the time I was earning and could have afforded it I had become more sensible! Wouldn't go with the washboard image! Or to work in the library!

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 17 Nov 10 - 08:04 PM

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target. I wish I could say I'm sorry, but she should have seen it coming.

Dear Mrs. Schulz,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Schulz, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her supervisor that in turn resulted in a union grievance, causing Management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! there's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Nov 10 - 10:28 PM

What did the snail say on the turtle's back?










-Whee!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 06:52 PM

There is the story of the Spanish peasant who decided to take his donkey to market in order to make sufficient money to feed his large family for another week.
As it was a hot day,he decided to ride the donkey,leaving his twelve year old son to walk beside him.
"Look," said the local busybodies, "That selfish man is riding his donkey,while his poor son trudges through the heat on foot.Disgusting!"
The farmer was embarrassed and dismounted,letting his son ride the donkey.
"Look at at lazy young man,riding in comfort in the heat of the day,while his poor old father struggles through the heat on foot," said the onlookers.
The father ordered his son to dismount.
As they walked through the heat side by side with the donkey ,an onlooker remarked,"Look as those two idiots,you would think one would have enough sense to ride!"
They had just reached a bridge over a deep ravine by this time.
"To hell with the lot of you"cried the farmer as he hefted his donkey over the rails into the ravine.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 07:49 PM

repaired link
http://usera.imagecave.com/donuel/barak-on-beck.jpg

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Nov 10 - 09:13 PM

Isn't that an Aesop's fable, Foolestroupe?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Nov 10 - 02:13 PM

"Ingenious Israelis"

The Israelis have developed an airport security
device that eliminates the privacy concerns
that come with full-body scanners at the airports.

It's a booth you can step into that will not X-ray
you, but will detonate any explosive device you
may have on you. They see this as a win-win for
everyone, with none of this crap about racial
profiling. It also would eliminate the costs of a
long and expensive trial. Justice would be swift.
Case closed.

You're in the airport terminal and you hear a
muffled explosion. Shortly thereafter an
announcement comes over the PA system . . .

"Attention, standby passengers! We now have a
seat available on flight number XYZ101.   Shalom!"

----------
and, just to be timely . . .

"Pilgrim Thanksgiving Picture"

Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a
family had received a Thanksgiving card with a
painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small
grandchildren, observing, "The pilgrim children
liked to go to church with their mothers and
fathers."

"Oh, yeah?" her grandson replied, "so why is
their dad carrying that rifle?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Nov 10 - 09:30 AM

"The Boss's Lunch"

I have a reputation at work of being a strict boss.

One day I was in the break room with another
manager. I reached into the refrigerator for my
lunch, which was packed in an Ace Hardware
bag.

My co-worker stopped mid-bite and stared at
me, looking a little tense. When I pulled my
sandwich out of the bag, he sighed in relief.

"What's the matter?" I asked him.

"Uh, nothing," he replied. "I was beginning to think you really do eat nails for lunch."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 05:25 AM

Why hasn't Father Christmas really got any children?


Because he only comes once a year and then it's down the chimney.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 04:43 PM

Holiday Distinctions Finally Explained…

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Hanukkah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Hanukkah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation to either the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida ) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Hanukkah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays: They tried to kill us; we survived; let's eat.

3. Christmas is a time of great gift-giving pressure. People expect special gifts. Jews are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Hanukkah.

4. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Hanukkah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

5. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come O Ye Faithful.... Hanukkah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

6. People have fun baking Christmas cookies. People burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Hanukkah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

7. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Hanukkah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything, and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

8. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Hanukkah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $300 per person.

HAPPY HANUKKAH

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Dec 10 - 11:33 PM

MtheGM: I thought it was because he had popcorn balls.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Dec 10 - 01:19 AM

No, Joe F ~~ that's Santa Claus: not the same, or to be confused with, Father Christmas of the English mummers' tradition! [Tho they are admittedly often conflated these days ~~ which presumably prevents their being "Stuck in the chimney" too often!]

achoo achoo achoo

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:29 AM

"Blind Justice"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked,

"Dad, does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes, son.
Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win
a case."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 09:30 AM

"Making The Book"

The Smith family was very proud that their ancestors
had come over on the Mayflower, so they hired best-
selling author Frank McCourt to look up and write a
book about their family history.

Horror of horrors! They discovered that great uncle
Fess had died in the electric chair for committing a
murder. They were devastated.

They didn't want that in the book, but they didn't
want to leave him out either.

McCourt said, "Leave it to me."

When the book came out, the section about Uncle
Fess read like this:

"He was a man who occupied a great seat. He was
attached to his position very firmly. His death came
as a great shock."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Dec 10 - 10:07 AM

Obama defends his compromise with Republicans

Obama is no Abraham Lincoln afterall.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Dec 10 - 08:36 AM

"Dogged Out"

A timid little man ventured into a biker bar in the
Bronx and, clearing his throat, asked, "Um, err, which
of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside
to the parking meter?"

A giant of a man wearing biker leathers with his body
hair growing out of the seams turned slowly on his stool.
He looked down at the quivering little man and said,
"It's my dog. Why?"

"Well," squeaked the little man, very nervous, "I believe
my dog just killed it, sir."

"What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the
hell kind of dog do you have?"

"Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four-week-old
puppy."

"Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my
Doberman?"

"It appears that he choked on it, sir."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Dec 10 - 12:02 AM

I heard the dog story as an incident in a tourist trap on the coast of Maine. A local enters the store and asks who owns the great Dane (Saint Bernard/Newfoundland/etc. take your pick as long as it's big) tied up out side. Mr. Tourist steps forward and says it is his dog.
"Good dog?"
"It's the best!"
"well bred?"
"It has pure bred papers going back 10 generations. Why all these questions?"
"Well, it appears my dog has killed your dog."
"What! What kind of dog do you have?"
"Chihuahua."
"No! How on Earth could a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?"
"He got stuck about halfway down his throat."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 10 - 09:26 AM

Just made a phone call to the incontinence hotline.....I was asked.... "Can you hold please"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 01:36 PM

A high-school geometry teacher started one lesson
on triangles by reading a theorem.

"If an angle is an exterior angle of a triangle, then its
measure is greater than the measure of either of its
corresponding remote interior angles."

He noticed that one student wasn't taking notes and
asked him why.

"Well," he replied sincerely, "I'm waiting until you start
speaking English."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 01:42 PM

The Magic Wand

Fred had been divorced twice after his wives cheated on him, so he decided the only way to get a faithful wife was to marry someone who knew nothing of sex. And he meant nothing! He moved to the mountains and found himself a simple, innocent girl, and married her.

On their wedding night, he told her about his "magic wand", and how no one else in the entire world had one. Sure enough, she was enraptured with the "magic" feelings it brought her, and she and Fred were very happy.

But Fred needed to make a living, and he finally had to go out of town on a business trip. But his innocent wife knew only he had a "magic wand", so he left feeling safe.

Yet when he got home he could tell there was something different about his wife, and she was ready to confront him.

"You told me you were the only man in the world with a magic wand," she said.

"Yes..." he started to answer.

"But I found out that Jerry has a magic wand too!" she said, clearly upset.

"Well yeah," he stammered. "Jerry is my best friend, and I had two magic wands, so I thought I should give him one of them."

With that, she burst in to tears.

"What's wrong?" Fred asked, perplexed.

"Well why," she said through her sobs, "did you have to give him the good one?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Dec 10 - 08:36 PM

I have probably posted this in another thread, but it follows naturally on the preceding joke. It is very old:

On his wedding night, the groom is very well satisfied with the bride, but, perhaps as a result, he is immediately consumed with jealousy. After an hour of worrying that she will be unfaithful, he manages to get to sleep, and he has a dream. A fairy appears to him, and gives him a ring, saying, "So long as you keep this ring on your finger, your wife will always be faithful to you." So he puts it on, but right away, the magic ring begins jerking back & forth on his finger, as if it were trying to get off. Then he hears his wife say "That's not right!", and he wakes up, and -- you had better not imagine where his finger is.

I think Freud cites this somewhere.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Dec 10 - 02:17 AM

A great lady was interviewing two friends who were applicants for the posts of footmen in her great house.

"Your experience sounds quite appropriate," she said. "But of course appearance is most important for above-stairs servants. You would be required to wear livery, such as knee-breeches and silk stockings; so please roll up your trousers so that I can inspect the calves of your legs. Ah, yes, that is quite satisfactory in both your cases. And now finally, please, show me your testimonials."

Said one sadly to the other as they walked slowly away down the long drive: "If you weren't been so pig-ignorant, we'd have got that job."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 10:58 AM

The Network Administrator Resigns

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP address is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Since this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation. However, I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday," you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please; I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never screw with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

(signed)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 11:23 AM

Pay Attention in Biology Class

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom.

One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me (again with the sarcasm!)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't that just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"OK, OK." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (More sarcasm? Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and eered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured.

"Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us.

"This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't ever going to happen: Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they ...um... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just... just...."

"Excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly!" the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just that I'm picturing you pulling on its its teeny little...." She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have no idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 12:04 PM

GOVSPECs (Government Pipe Specifications)

Sent over by one of my buddies who still works at NASA....

---

1. All pipe must be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length -- do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipe must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) -- otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site. (NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.)

6. All pipe over 500ft (150m) in length should have the words "LONG PIPE" clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it's a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "LONG PIPE" painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipe over 6ft (1.83m) in diameter must have the words "LARGE PIPE" painted on it, so the contractor won't mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes from bolts that are quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads. Otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 1/8in (3mm) are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: HuwG
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 05:51 PM

For the Christmas season ...


Santa Claus was loading up the the sledge with Christmas presents. As he prepared to take off, a stranger appeared. "Who are you?" asked Santa. "I'm the Civil Aviation Authority Inspector" the stranger replied. "I'm here to give you your annual certification flight inspection".

Saint Nick was furious. "I only make one trip each year" he said. "Isn't this Health and Safety gone mad?"

"Rules are rules" replied the CAA man. "Either I come with you to inspect your flight procedures, or you don't deliver any presents next year."

Santa grumbled, but hitched up Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and Rudolf, and made room for the inspector on the seat next to him. The inspector climbed aboard, holding a shotgun. "Now this is too much!" shouted Santa. "Why are you bringing that?"

The inspector said "I want to see how you deal with an engine failure on takeoff!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Dec 10 - 06:18 PM

It was Christmas Eve and all the elves were excited and one was so excited he tripped in the toy shop and broke three toys. An elf went to Santa to tell him the bad news.. that he would have to delay his delivery for one hour so new toys could be made. This stressed santa greatly. The toys eventually complete, santa slung his huge sack up onto the sleigh but as the sleigh was old a wooden support broke and the sack came tumbling off. Santa was now even more stressed and ordered the elves to get the sleigh fixed as soon as possible. He went indoors and shouted "I'm delayed Mrs Claus, make me a coffee please" but she told him they had none so he asked for a cup of tea. "We've run out of Coffee, Tea and Milk" said Mrs Claus at which santas stress level reached an all time high.
There was a loud knock on the door and santa, very angrily answered it. Outside was an angel carrying a Christmas tree.... "Where would you like your Christmas tree"? asked the angel.

So the tradition of the angel at the top of the Christmas tree started!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Dec 10 - 09:34 AM

"Hunting Dogs"

A young man from the city went to visit his farmer
uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him
the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After
three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew
was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of
things to amuse him with.

Finally, the uncle had an idea. "There's no one around
for miles, why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs,
and go shooting?"

This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and off he went,
dogs in trail.

That afternoon, the nephew returned.

"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.

"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more
dogs?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: gnu
Date: 21 Dec 10 - 07:14 AM

One for the kiddies at Xmas...

A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining", he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me", she replied.
"No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking toward them.
"Let's not fight about it", the man said, "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing".
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course", he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" to which the man quietly replied:

"Rudolph the Red, knows rain, dear".

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 12:59 PM

The Little Fly

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh horse manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pains, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate ... and ate ... and then ... she ate some more!

Finally she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away. But alas, she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall.

She had found a solution! The little fly realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly again, and work off that big meal too. So, she painstakingly climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air.

Alas, she dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

The moral to this sad story? Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of shit.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 05:04 PM

Black Crayons (A Study in Parent-School Relations)

This is a letter written by a mother to the proprietor of a blog I frequent, who regularly rails and fumes about "Zero Tolerance" policies in schools and other public functions.

She said:

Your comments about the stupidity of "Zero Tolerance" reminded me of one of the run ins I've had with the school psychologist. After our discussion, I've gained a reputation of being unreasonable and my daughter has gained the freedom to construct anything short of atomic bombs without psychological interference.

It all started shortly after my ill-fated Parent-Teacher Conference (as did my public school reputation for being unreasonable). Within a week of this conference, I received a phone call from said 'psychologist' requesting that I present myself in his office to discuss my daughter's 'problem'. When questioned, he indicated that the 'problem' was different than the one the teacher and I discussed (which was not addressing adults by first name), but coyly refused to 'discuss a situation of this magnitude over the phone'.

The following day, at the appointed time, I appeared with offspring in tow. Horrified looks resulted and said offspring was shuttled off to play in the gym. Apparently these discussions are SECRET.

He began by folding his hands on top of his desk and wearing his 'saintly, patient' expression. *This* is a man who has not only READ the psych books but *believes* them.

    "Has Lauren appeared depressed or been behaving unusually at home?"

    "No, she has not."

    "Her behavior hasn't changed?!"

    "No it hasn't. Pardon my abruptness, but precisely what are you driving at?"

He is now refusing to meet my eyes and fiddling with a paperclip on the desk. Hmmm. I should have trundled my copy of 'Body Language' along with me. He could have fidgeted and I could have merrily looked up all the underlying psychological causes.

    "Well, erm...you see, Lauren is using only black crayon when she's drawing, and studies have indicated that when this occurs the child is usually depressed and attempting to deal with repressed emotions."

    "Ah."

At this point, I was having considerable difficulty repressing one of my own emotions....namely laughter. What rocks do these nitwits crawl out from under? Realizing that my original response would be a Bad Thing, I quickly pasted my Concerned-But-Amused Parental Expression on and continued:

    "Have you considered asking Lauren her reasons for using black crayon?"

Shock. Horror. Complete dismay. He actually began stammering. One does not ask the child. It could cause deep-seated emotional problems, stunt their growth, cause them to suffer from low self-esteem and possibly to begin hanging about on street corners with gangs of second graders.

I excused myself from his office, ostensibly to collect myself, in actuality to collect my offspring from the gym. I arrived at said gym to find my depressed, repressed, emotionally devastated monster attempting to deal with her deep-seated frustration at not being able to reach the rings. Was she crying, fussing or sulking? Nope. She was trying to negotiate with the custodialdrone for a stepladder. At this point, I decided she was entitled to draw with black crayons the rest of her life, if that's what she wanted.

We meandered back to the office and I ignored the look of distress that was shot at me. I parked my recombinant DNA in a chair with orders to 'Behave like a lady.' (Yeah, I know. So sue me.) The conference resumed, this time I addressed my questions to Lauren.

    "Lauren, Mr. Shit-for-Brains indicates that you only use black crayon when you're drawing."

    "Yeah."

    "Do you like drawing in black?"

    "No."

    "Then why do you do it?"

I was treated to the expression that is reserved for humouring slightly thick parents, and I watched as my offspring pasted on her Mom's-an-Old-Lady-But-Harmless expression:

    "They make us line up in alphabetical order when they pass out the crayons. And I'm always last in line...there's nothing left but black!"

I turn to witness what our psychological brainchild is making of all this. He has gone strangely quiet. Fine. This interview is over as far as I'm concerned. Although I confess, I couldn't resist lobbing one more over the fence at him.

    "Thank you sooooo much for your concern regarding my daughter's emotional well-being. I suppose your job would be much easier if all depressions could be cured by simply starting the crayon box from the other end of the queue. In the future however, do you think you could at least ask her before you haul me in here?"

He managed to mutter something which I took for assent -- neither Lauren or myself has heard anything from him since.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 09:20 AM

Terrible Weather for a Fishing Trip

One Saturday morning he gets up early, puts on his long johns, dresses quietly, gets his lunch made, grabs the dog and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck, and down the driveway he goes.

As he gets to the street he realizes it's worse than he thought: there is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later, he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it's going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses and slips back into bed.

There he cuddles up to his wife's back--now with a different anticipation--and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies, "And can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 01:09 PM

"Oh, Schnapps!"

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now
and then, but his passion was for homemade peach brandy.
One of his congregants would make him a bottle
each Christmas.

One year, when the minister went to visit his friend,
hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not
disappointed, but his friend told him that he had
to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit
the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly
agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister
suddenly remembered that he had to make a
public announcement that he was being supplied
alcohol from a member of the church. That morning,
his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face,
waiting to see the minister's embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, "Before
we begin, I have an announcement. I would very
much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of
peaches ... and for the spirit in which they were given!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 01:30 PM

Hi Dave-O,
Nice to find someone else with nothing to do on this most auspicious of days - and not a bad joke either.
The previous one reminds me of the bloke who was convinced his wife was having it off with the milkman, so spied on his house after leaving for work one morning.
Delighted to see the milkman arrive, leave the milk and immediately go back to his float, he rushed back home to find the wife at the sink, washing up. He approached from behind, stuck his hand between her legs to hear her say "Two loaves and a crusty please, baker".
Davy (junior?)

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 25 Dec 10 - 04:50 PM

And there's the guy who asked the gorgeous blonde barmaid for a date.
From immediately behind him came a voice, belonging to the 6-1/2 foot tall burly bartender: "That's my wife. Now, what'll you have?"
.....and the guy responded, "Er, I'd like a piece of beer."

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 03:18 PM

Sorry Dick, I don't get it.
Anyway, reading back through the thread I was reminded of the bloke who brought his (v. large) dog into the bar.
"This will beat any dog you've got" he says.
The barman says "Could he beat my yoke out in the yard?"
"No trouble - let's say a tenner."
Out back, the bloke's dog is polished off in ten seconds flat.
Parting with his tenner, he says "What sort of dog is that?"
"It's a long-nosed, short-legged terrier - some people call it a crocodile."
Happy Pugilism Day, Davy.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 06:55 PM

Framus, note that he didn't want "a glass/mug/bottle" of beer.

When a guy looks at a pretty girl, what does he maybe want "a piece of"?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 26 Dec 10 - 07:29 PM

Uncle.
Piece of (gl)ass?
But where does the beer come in?
Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 02:19 AM

Confucius say, "He who laughs last has to have the joke explained to him."

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 08:35 AM

Some people call Tantric Sex "The Plumber Position" ~~~ you stay in all day & nobody comes.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 08:45 AM

Framus, the guy is in a bar, and the BARTENDER challenges what he wants. What can he say that won't be objectionable to the burly bartender?

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 11:35 AM

besides, the beer comes in the glass, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: framus
Date: 27 Dec 10 - 09:44 PM

Mea maxima culpa - whatever that means.

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Dec 10 - 08:36 AM

"Bravery and Obedience"

Two generals, one from the Army, and one from
the Air Force, were having a debate with a Navy
Admiral about whose soldiers were the bravest.

To prove his point, the Air Force general calls over
an airman: "Airman! Climb that flagpole, and
once you are at the top, sing 'Wild Blue Yonder',
and then jump off!"

"YES SIR!" replies the airman. He takes off for the flagpole
like a shot, scales up it, sings the anthem, salutes and
jumps off, hitting the ground at attention.

The general dismisses him. "Now that's bravery!" exclaims
the general.

"Bravery, nothing," snorts the Army general. "Get over
here, private!"

"YES SIR!!" replies the private.

"Put on full combat gear, load your rucksack with these
rocks, scale that flagpole, come to attention, present
arms, and sing the National Anthem, salute each of us,
and then climb back down, head first."

"YES SIR!!" replies the private, and completes the task.

"Now that is a brave man! Beat that!!"

They look to the Marine. "Private," he says.

"YES SIR!!"

"Put on full combat gear. Put these two dogs in your pack.
Using only one hand, climb that flagpole. At the top, sing
'The Halls of Montezuma', put your knife in your teeth, and
dive off, headfirst."

The private snaps to attention, looks at the general and
says, "TO HELL WITH YOU SIR!!"

The general turns to the others and says, "Now THAT'S bravery!"

Subject: RE: BS: Second Joke Thread of 2010
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 04:06 PM

Okay, allabody, let's consider this thread closed, and go to the next, the 1st Joke Thread of 2011.