Song Challenge! 2.0 - Fit 3

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 12:46 AM

Song Challenge! 2.0 - Fit 3

Welcome back, Challengees! This week we have a twofer, about a subject near and dear to all of our hearts -- er, bums -- ridiculously expensive toilets.

The first by way of Amergin:

Have a million dollars just lying around, and not sure what to spend it on? why not a used toilet? That's right, kids, for just a million dollars and an ebay account you can wow all your friends with the ownership of a used toilet? Now you may ask yourself what could be so special about a toilet, to cost a million bucks...does it surf the net, play video games, chess, or even wipe your ass for you? Well, no. Well, then what's so special about it? Well this toilet was owned and used by JD Salinger and if you listen and smell closely you may even hear the ruptures of gas and smell the ghostly remains of the shit that once graced this bowl. (eBay listing here)

The second from an old Challenge! of the past:

Hong Kong jewelry company Hang Fung's golden toilet is certainly not the first toilet to become a tourist attraction: New Zealanders even make a contest out of interesting public bathrooms.... But Hang Fung's golden toilet is certainly the most valuable toilet you'll ever come across, as it's made out of solid 24-carat gold. (Full story here)

Let's see what you can doo, Challengees! (like that pun? I've got a million of 'em) Get crappin' -- er, crackin'!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:02 AM

O Jenny's a' weet, poor body,
Jenny's lookin' wan.
She's piddled in her petticoatie:
Can't afford a can!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Young Buchan
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:05 AM

Sorry. The above was from me.
Someone stole my cookie!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:28 AM

Whether it cost you a million,
No matter if pot or gold.
We all have to use the toilet,
(particularly when cold).
Who cares who's used the thing before,
When you want to crap or pee.
Just get yourself to the nearest one,
Average Joe, you and me.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 10:00 AM

Someone surely should include "Two Loos Lautrecht" into their effort.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Newport Boy
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 11:01 AM

This topic must be catching! Today's Guardian carries the news that
John Lennon's toilet is up for auction. There's your verse 3!

Phil

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Genie
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 12:57 PM

O Golden MouseGod O' the Song Challenge!s, what happened to the lovely(?) ditty I submitted in response to Amergin's news article?

Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Genie
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 12:58 PM

PS
If you find it and add it here, please delete this post and the one before it. Thx.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 02:08 PM

Imagine there's no toilet,
It's easy if you try.
No porcelain to go on,How would you get by???
Imagine all the people,
Queueing for the ho--o-o-ole

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Genie
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 03:00 PM

Oh o - o - oh,
You may call me party pooper,
But I'm not the only one.
I hope someday we'll find it
And the world will use the John.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 03:50 PM

Genie's song from the other thread:

Milion-Dollar Potty

Tune: Million-Dollar Baby
Parody lyrics by Genie

It was a throne to match my shower,
And Salinger owned it before,
I found a million-dollar potty
At the online e-Bay store.

The smell continues with some power,
And grunts are heard there near the floor
Around the million-dollar potty
That ol' JD used before.

He was writing novels
And when he had to go,
He'd keep writing novels
As inspiration flowed.

If you should need to use my toilet
Just step inside my bathroom door
And smell my million-dollar potty
From the online eBay store.
--Genie

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:19 PM

That loo will not do
For that loo is far too new.
It's not the kind of loo
I long to own.
I like to contemplate
The motions of the great
Who have sat in solemn state
Upon my throne.
I can't abide a loo that's got no mystery
I've got to have a loo that has a history.
Where the memories crowd by
Of the Catcher in the Rye
Or young Lucy in the Sky
Or Judas Priest
So my loo must be old,
With stories to be told,
Or be made of solid gold
At very least.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 08:33 PM

Yay! Quick off the mark, this week's Challengees are rarin' for some Silver BLOBs! And here they are -- a Silver BLOB to:

Young Buchan for the unfortunate:

She's piddled in her petticoatie:
Can't afford a can!

Georgiansilver for the very earthy:

Who cares who's used the thing before,
When you want to crap or pee.

as well as for the very frightening:

Imagine there's no toilet,
It's easy if you try.

Genie for the punny sequel:

You may call me party pooper,

Genie also for the TMI:

He was writing novels
And when he had to go,
He'd keep writing novels
As inspiration flowed.

and finally the great McGrath of Harlow for this grunter groaner:

I like to contemplate
The motions of the great

Holy crap! You guys rock!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: GUEST,Jane
Date: 23 Aug 10 - 09:17 PM

While he tarried with adverbs and vowels
With adverbs and vowels wrote he
He still would perchance move his bowels
Or answer temptation to pee
And so it with greatest pleasure
This treasure of measure sell I
His very own vessel
Which was not for wassail
And had nothing to do with rye

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Barbara
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 12:01 AM

I think Young Buchan's effort could be improved thusly:
"She canna afford a can."
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Young Buchan
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 01:38 PM

Aye. Yon lassie's right!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Young Buchan
Date: 24 Aug 10 - 01:39 PM

Sorry - richt!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 12:12 PM

A wry Silver BLOB to GUEST Jane for the delightful:

While he tarried with adverbs and vowels
With adverbs and vowels wrote he
He still would perchance move his bowels
Or answer temptation to pee

Keep up the good work, Challengees!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Aug 10 - 05:03 PM

Thanks!
I just stumbled on this fabulous thread while looking for lyrics to an actual song! I guess that's proof you never know where your internet search will lead you! Never would have imagined I'd be writing a ditty about JD's toilet! Wonderful stuff!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Melissa
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 11:49 PM

Second Hand Rose


The sweet little lady
who lives across the way
goes online shopping
nearly every day.
She portions out her fortune
to the sellers on ebay
and that's why all the gentlemen say

Second hand booze
Second hand car
(she even bought a used cigar)
Women say she's clever, the fellas think it's hot
that Rose installed a second hand pot.

She comes home from the drive-in
in Roy Rogers' car
pours a glass of whiskey
found in antarctica
lights up the cigar and while she's smoking that
she takes a seat where Salinger shat


The whole town's charmed by the things she's bought
and now she has a second hand pot

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Aug 10 - 11:54 PM

Nicely done, Melissa! A biweekual Silver BLOB for:

pours a glass of whiskey
found in antarctica

Clever, working in last week's Challenge! :)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 09:43 AM

Kudos to Young Buchan for the reference to Robert Burns's poem Comin Thro' the Rye!

All I can offer is:-

"all that David Copperfield kind of crap"

J D Salinger
On his crapper would linger and linger;
After laborious contemplation he concluded, with his customary insight and wit,
"Life's shit!"

Matthew

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 12:16 PM

Writer's Block; for JD with love and squalor

Of all the ills of the universe,
Constipation is one terrible curse;
You sit on the throne for hours and hours,
Calling on all the heavenly powers.
O move along, get along, move along, get along,
Go! Move! Shift!

You plead and beg with desperate howls,
For the emancipation of your bowels;
While your intestines their duty shirk
At your own evacuation of Dunkirk.
O move along, get along, move along, get along,
Go! Move! Shift!

While purgatives of every kind
Within your stomach provoke great wind,
Emitting odours of intense repulsion,
But nothing close to an expulsion.
O move along, get along, move along, get along,
Go! Move! Shift!

Still as the years and ages roll on,
Nothing at all gets past the colon:
And while you yearn for just one small plop
Peristaltic motion comes to a full stop.
O move along, get along, move along, get along,
Go! Move! Shift!

Matthew Edwards (with profound apologies to EM & PS)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Amos
Date: 28 Aug 10 - 02:55 PM

Did he live out in the country where h eused that toilet? It may have inspired the title of his masterpiece, The Catcher in the Rye.


A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Aug 10 - 12:42 PM

Yay! Let's hear it for this week's Challengees!

(waits for applause to subside)

(continues waiting)

(waits a bit more)

Yes, aren't they excellent! And now here's the moment you've all been waiting for, the presentation of the Golden Cow Chip Awards!

(waits again for applause to subside)

First, the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (given for being able to make the Judges fall on the floor laughing OR make them short out their keyboard with tears) is awarded to:

   Young Buchan for "O Jenny's a' weet, poor body"
   Georgiansilver for "Whether it cost you a million"
   Genie for "Milion-Dollar Potty"
   Matthew Edwards for "all that David Copperfield kind of crap"

Next the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song) is awarded to:

   Matthew Edwards for "Writer's Block; for JD with love and squalor"
   
Next the Golden Cow Chip Award with Mt. Rainier Medallion (awarded to the parody that most closely and hilariously follows the pattern of its original) is awarded to:

   Georgiansilver for "Imagine there's no toilet"   

Next the Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (awarded to the Challenge! entry which evokes an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Judges and onto their monitor screen) is awarded to:

   Genie for her continuation of Georgiansilver's "Imagine there's no toilet"
   GUEST Jane for "While he tarried with adverbs and vowels"
      
Now, the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster (awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song) is awarded to:

   McGrath of Harlow for "That loo will not do"
   
Turning now to the Golden Cow Chip Award with Two-Fer-One Coupon (awarded to those Challengees who use two or more Challenge! topics in one song), this is awarded to:

   Melissa for "Second Hand Rose"

Woohoo! Let's hear it one more time for our great Challengees!

(allows applause to go on for as long as it likes)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Amos
Date: 30 Aug 10 - 12:58 PM

Oh, the Catcher in the Rye,
Oh, the Catcher in the Rye
I've got to pay a visit to the Catcher in the Rye.

...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Arthur_itus
Date: 30 Aug 10 - 02:44 PM

The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine

As I sit here peeeing on the lavatry
And farting like a vicar in the pew
I take a big breath of something so terrible
It smells just like dairitic poo

Oh
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine

I think i'll phone NHS Direct
And tell them what's wrong with me
But I drop my mobile in the bowl
Oh my god, this is a case of dysentree

Oh
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine

I stick a tampon up my arse
That will do the trick
Until I do a great big fart
I feel so feckin sick

Oh
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine all mine
The fog on the bog is all mine



That tired me out, can anybody finishit

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Aug 10 - 10:54 PM

A Silver BLOB to Arthur_itis for the naughty:

farting like a vicar in the pew

(what's the vicar doing in the pew?)

and the for the Golden Cow Chip, I think I shall create a new one, the

Golden Cow Chip with Red Tide Coruscation
   (the Red Tide Coruscation is awarded to the song that (intentionally) best produces the gag reflex in the judges' throat.)

Which is awarded to Arthur_itis for "The fog on the bog is all mine".

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Aug 10 - 10:56 PM

Come on over to Song Challenge! 2.0 - Fit 4 and see our new Challenge! I'm sure you'll find it uplifting.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Trapper
Date: 21 Oct 10 - 12:24 PM

Given the author involved, I almost changed the main characters to "Franny and Zoey...."

- Trapper

MILLION BUCK JOHNNY
Tune: Frankie and Johnny
New Words: Trapper (Al Boyce)

Frankie and Johnny were frantic
Oh Lordy, Where could they go?
Eight hours trapped in a Greyhound bus
And their bladders were set to blow
Where was the can? They couldn't wait very long...


The Greyhound pulled in to the station
Their seats were stuck way in the back
They twitched and jerked as they waited
For their turn in the depot shack
They needed the can - already waited too long....


The Men's room read "John out of order"
The Women's said "Under Repair"
Where could this desperate couple go
To find a toilet chair?
They searched for a can - soon it would be too long...


Frankie turned left out the doorway
Johnny he hung a sharp right
Frankie ran into the jewelry store
A museum was in Johnny's sights
They prayed for a can - they wouldn't need it too long...


Frankie ran past silver bracelets
She sprinted past fine diamond rings
A 24 carat golden stool
Was in the center of the thing
She'd found her can - now it would not be long!


John found the museum packed with people
They parted, what did Johnny see?
JD Salinger's porcelain pot
He ran, and prepared to pee!
It was his can, for however how long.


Frankie and Johnny reboarded
Both grateful for their good luck
For each of them found a place to go
That felt like a million bucks!
A million per can - that's the end of my song!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: Amos
Date: 21 Oct 10 - 12:46 PM

LOL Trapper!! A FINE piece of work indeed.


A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: GUEST,Ceto
Date: 21 Oct 10 - 04:02 PM

Trapper, we missed out originally, now the Golden Cow Chips are gone. We must take the earthenware, if not the feces. Anyway, I'll have a go as well:

Let for your solace this be told:
On this our most imperfect earth
to be a million dollars worth,
you need not be of solid gold.

It well suffices that one day
some famous arse upon you sat,
some famous arsehole on you shat,
which swiftly then has passed away.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 3
From: mousethief
Date: 22 Oct 10 - 02:26 AM

Trapper, for "MILLION BUCK JOHNNY" -- very nice! You win:

Golden Cow Chip Award with Two-Fer-One Coupon

   (The Two-Fer-One Coupon is awarded to those Challengees who use two or more Challenge! topics in one song)


And Ceto, I award you:

Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster

   (The Shamrock Cluster is awarded for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song)


Great work!