Corny Music Hall Jokes

Subject: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,bernieandred
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:04 AM

We've got a "Good Old Days" ggig coming up & I'm trying to remember some of those old chestnuts, which, hopefully, most of the audience members will shout out the punchline.
So far I've remembered......
I say I say I say, my wife's gone to the West Indies. Jamaica? No she went of her own accord. boom boom!
also,
I'd like to bu some talcumn powder. Walk this way sir.
If I walked that way I wouldn't need the talcumn powder.
Can any one help with any others?
Thanks

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: The Fooles Troupe
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:48 AM

I say I say I say, my wife's gone to Indonesia. Jakarta? No she went by boat. boom boom!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:54 AM

What did the Bank Of England say to Big Ben?
I don't know; what did the Bank Of England say to Big Ben?
'If you've got the time I've got the money.'
Boom-boom.


And don't forget the standard riposte to any of these ~~
"I do not wish to know that: kindly leave the stage".


~Michael~

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 02:43 AM

"My dog's nose has dropped off"
"That's terrible; how does he smell?"
"Bloody awful"

"I'm going to the doctors, I don't like the look of my wife"
"I'll come with you, I hate the sight of mine"

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 02:44 AM

What did the Bank Of England say to Big Ben?
...................

What did Big Ben say to the Leaning Tower of Pisa? ...
... I've got the time if you've got the inclination!




My dog's got no nose.
Your dog's got no nose? How does he smell?
Awful!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 02:48 AM

Oops! Took to long to post that last one.



I met a man with one leg called Smith.
You met a man with one leg called Smith? What was his other leg called?

What goes 99 clomp, 99 clomp?
A centipede with a wooden leg!

What's the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law!

What lies at the bottom of the sea and shakes?
A nervous wreck!

DC

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 05:24 AM

Man in Chemist's shop: 'Have you got cotton wool balls?'
Assistant: 'What do you think I am a teddy bear?'

Mike

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 05:30 AM

In-laws.. huh.. I'd rather be an outlaw than an in law... at least outlaws are 'wanted'.

I took my Mrs out for tea and biscuits yesterday.. great... but she didn't like the bit where she had to give blood!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 08:56 AM

I say, do you like Kipling?

I don't know - I've never kippled.

Ruddy-ard Kipling!

Yes, it must be!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Waddon Pete
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 09:45 AM

Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!

Oh, pull yourself together!

Doctor, Doctor, no one takes any notice of me!

Next!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,Bligger
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 11:45 AM

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

For more funny stuff click here.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Young Buchan
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:12 PM

Don't forget all the Daughter jokes:
She was only a photographer's daughter but she was very well developed.
She was only an artist's daughter but she knew where to draw the line.
She was only an optician's daughter but she made a spectacle of herself.
She was only a drover's daughter but she kept her calves together.

Am I right in thinking that 'She was only a gravedigger's daughter but she liked to lie under the sod' made it to the big time and got used in Look Back In Anger?

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:34 PM

She was only the morse code operatives daughter but she didit didit didit.
She was only the pilots daughter but she had a fur lined cockpit.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bob the Postman
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:38 PM

She was Shostakovich's daughter but she certainly knew how to conduct herself.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Michael
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:50 PM

They exhumed Beethoven last week, when they opened the coffin he was lying there crossing notes off a score. "What are you doing Ludwig?"
"Decomposing"

Mike

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: fat B****rd
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 12:53 PM

"I've been playing cards with some African chappies"
"Zulus?"
"No, actually, I won five pounds"

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Young Buchan
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 02:42 PM

My husband plays football for a Welsh team.
Wrexham?
Doesn't do them a lot of good.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:09 PM

I say conductor, is this the Barking bus?
No, madam, this one just goes "toot toot".

I say, conductor, is this bus going to Dagenham?
I don't think so, sir, it's never Daggened anyone before.

I say, conductor, is this bus going to Clapham?
Only if they're very good, sir.

I say, conductor, do you stop at the Hilton?
What, on my wages?

I say, conductor, does this bus stop at the Embankment?
If not, madam, there'll be a very loud splash.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:17 PM

I asked the lady cabin crew on my plane.. "Do these planes crash often"? She replied "No... only once"!!!!
She said "Where would you like to sit?" I said "On the black box"
I got worried when the control tower asked the pilot "Paddy Paddy, can you give us your height and position"?   and he replied... "Yes sir, I am 5"6' and at the front of the airplane"!!!
Anyway we landed OK somewhere near Dublin Airport.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:20 PM

I would now like to perform a song entitled I Met Her On A One-Way Street, But She Looked Good To Me.

I would now like to perform a song entitled Hold The Candle Steady, Mother, While I Shave The Chicken's Lip.

I would now like to perform a song entitled Get Down Off The Gas Stove, Granny, You're Too Old To Be Riding The Range.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 04:49 PM

From the great Liverpool music hall comedian Billy Bennett:

Father said: "When my hand gets better, will I be able to play the piano?" The doctor said: "Certainly you will." Father said: "Well you're a wonderful doctor - I could never play before."

Into the same ward they brought a Scotchman who was suffering with the gathering of the clans. The doctor painted his back with whisky and he broke his neck trying to lick it off.

In the bed opposite to my father was a commercial traveller brought in from one of the hotels, stabbed in the eye with a hat pin. I thought it was through an accident, but it wasn't. It was through a keyhole.

On the day of my visit the doctor was very very busy on a big case. There were only two bottles left.

And standing on the doorstep was a fellow with a white smock. It looked to me like a student going in for a doctor. It wasn't - it was a patient going out for a drink.

Father was very ill indeed. He could keep nothing on his stomach. He tried one of their pills, but it rolled off during the night.

A funny thing, the doctor turned out to be my wife's cousin twice removed - once for debt and once by a sanitary inspector - and he's told my wife so much about hygiene and the impurities in water that before she'll allow a drop of drinking water in our house to be touched, first of all it's drawn through a hygienic filter, it's chlorinated, boiled, she allows it to cool, then we throw it away and drink Guinness.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bainbo
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 05:05 PM

Waiter, there's a fly in my soup.
Don't shout so loud, sir, they'll all want one.

Waiter, what's this insect doing in my soup?
Looks like the butterfly stroke, sir.

Waiter, you've got your thumb in my soup.
Don't worry, sir, it's not very hot.

And, from the Two Ronnies:
A waiter in a top London restaurant was sacked today for having his thumb in the soup when he served it. A topless waitress has been dismissed for two similar offences.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Sep 10 - 05:35 PM

Two drunks on a train that has just stopped:
"I say, is this Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I. Let's have a drink."

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 04:41 AM

She was only...

...the programmer's daughter but her software needed no support
...the pig farmer's daughter but she went the whole hog

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: banjoman
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 05:53 AM

I stopped at a boarding house in Blackpool - My room was so high up it overlooked Blackpool Tower.

The Landlady said I had to make my own bed - I said OK and then she gave me a bundle of wood and a box of nails.

My room was so small that even the rats were round shouldered. Sorry - the rats in my room were not round shouldered.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: MikeofNorthumbria
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 06:10 AM

If I offered to peel you an orange, would you think I was taking the pith?

Wassail!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:19 AM

I say I say I say, what do you call a man who leaves his raincoats in cemeteries????
I don't know, what do you call him??
Max Bygraves!!!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,Patsy
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:21 AM

'Dad, dad, do you know the pianos on my foot?

'No son, you hum it and I'll play it, boom boom!

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Desi C
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:29 AM

Modern version

"I say I say I say" My wife's gone abroad, "jamaica" "yes"

"I say I say I say" My Dog's nose dropped off "Radiation?" "yep"

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Hesk
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:31 AM

She sits amongst the lettuces and leeks.
She sits amongst the cabbages and peas.

(Genuine examples)

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 07:48 AM

"Where did you get the money to have three weeks holiday in Barbados?"
"Its my husband's job; he works for Cunard"
"So does mine but we can't afford Skegness!!"

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 11:52 AM

What did the policeman say to the 3-headed criminal?

Hello hello hello

~Michael~

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 12:30 PM

My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
Worse than the joke.

2 caterpillars on a leaf and a butterfly comes flying past.
1 turns to 'tother and says "You'll never get me up in one of them things"

2 caterpillars on a leaf and a butterfly comes flying past.
1 turns to 'tother and says "Aye, Aye, here comes the stork again".

"Waiter waiter there's a fly in my ice cream".
"Yes I know, they are going in for winter sports this year."

She was only a telegraphist's daughter but my how she didit ditdit.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: clueless don
Date: 03 Sep 10 - 04:09 PM

I locked my baby in the trunk of the car, and now she's wallowing in de'spare.

Who built the shore so close to the ocean?

Let's go down by the rocks, baby! Maybe we'll get a little boulder.

A lady decided to take a milk bath. She phoned up the dairy and asked for a delivery of their best milk. "Pasteurized?" "No, up to my neck will be fine."

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,kwijibo
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 05:09 AM

She was only the hardware store owner's daughter but she gave me a circular saw.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: G-Force
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 09:10 AM

She was only the greengrocer's daughter, but she showed Sir Geoffrey how.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 05:55 PM

She was only a gravedigger's daughter, but she liked lying under the sod.

"Sir, you are prevaricating. Did you or did you not sleep with this woman?"
"Not a wink, your honour."

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: JohnB
Date: 18 Feb 12 - 06:38 PM

I say I say I say my dog is a Blacksmith.
A Blacksmith!
Yes! if I shove a red hot poker up his ass, he'l make a Bolt for the Door.
She was only the Welders Daughter but she Acetylene Tips (work it out for yourself)
Visual Joke, How does a Policewoman part her hair. (Followed by a slight crouch down with knees apart)
Song, It was on the Bridge at Midnight.
JohnB

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,Paul Slade
Date: 19 Feb 12 - 04:49 AM

My husband plays football for a Welsh team.
Wrexham?
Doesn't do them a lot of good.

There's a playground variation on this:

Teacher: "What did you do this weekend, Billy?"
Billy: "Stuck a banger up a cat's arse, Miss."
Teacher (correcting him): "Rectum."
Billy: "Yes, Miss. Blew 'em to pieces."

Aye thang yew.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,Tony Cox
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 06:49 AM

I say, I say, I say, Who was that Lady I seed you with last night.
No, no, no, it's I saw, I saw!
OK. I say, I say, I say, Who was that eye sore, I seed you with last night.
Boom Boom.

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: GUEST,Desi C
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 08:38 AM

"Doctor doctor, people keep ignoring me"
"next please"

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 08:31 PM

"What happened to your dog?"

"I had to shoot him"

"Was he mad?"

"Well, he wasn't very happy about it!"


Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Corny Music Hall Jokes
From: Mark Ross
Date: 05 Oct 12 - 09:17 PM

"Heard you buried your wife."
"Had to, she was dead you know."

Mark Ross