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Song Challenge! 2.0 - Fit 5

mousethief 06 Sep 10 - 02:42 PM
Amos 06 Sep 10 - 03:09 PM
mousethief 06 Sep 10 - 03:38 PM
Matthew Edwards 06 Sep 10 - 04:15 PM
Georgiansilver 07 Sep 10 - 08:59 AM
Georgiansilver 07 Sep 10 - 12:38 PM
mousethief 07 Sep 10 - 05:03 PM
Matthew Edwards 08 Sep 10 - 09:41 AM
GUEST,Ceto 08 Sep 10 - 05:43 PM
Georgiansilver 09 Sep 10 - 02:05 AM
mousethief 09 Sep 10 - 02:26 AM
Amos 09 Sep 10 - 09:25 AM
Matthew Edwards 09 Sep 10 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,Ceto 09 Sep 10 - 02:28 PM
mousethief 09 Sep 10 - 03:34 PM
Amos 09 Sep 10 - 04:09 PM
Matthew Edwards 09 Sep 10 - 04:27 PM
Georgiansilver 09 Sep 10 - 05:02 PM
mousethief 09 Sep 10 - 05:19 PM
mousethief 11 Sep 10 - 01:30 PM
mousethief 14 Sep 10 - 12:51 AM
mousethief 17 Sep 10 - 02:52 AM
Matthew Edwards 17 Sep 10 - 10:23 AM
Amos 17 Sep 10 - 10:38 AM
Flash Company 22 Oct 10 - 11:00 AM
Trapper 22 Oct 10 - 02:56 PM
mousethief 22 Oct 10 - 10:57 PM
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Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 06 Sep 10 - 02:42 PM

SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5

Once again time to sharpen your ball-point pens and rev up your creative juices for the Song Challenge! This week we have a strange story from far Cathay...

Missing Cow Found In Manhole

China -- Farmer Sheng Hsueh spent four days searching for his missing cow and could not imagine what had happened to her. The cow was discovered in the sewer after locals were perplexed by the sound of mooing that was coming from under the ground. When she popped her head through an open manhole, witnesses realized where she was but couldn’t believe their eyes.

Weird enough for you? Let's see what you've got!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Amos
Date: 06 Sep 10 - 03:09 PM

There' a cow in the sewer, dear She-eng, dear She-eng./....

The Sewers of China




It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


Oh, come all you farmers who study feng shui
And don't let your hard-working cattle run free!
For you'll soon see them wander, as wild as can be,
And you'll end up with sewage right up to your knees!

It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


I once had a cow, sir, and a fine cow was she.
And she seemed so house-broken, I let her run free.
But she soon took advantage, and she wandered away,
And I had to go seeking for several days!

It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


I called down dark alleys and over far fields,
But all of my searching no cow would it yield.
But my wife was quite certain she was not out in the brush
For she heard that cow mooing each time that she flushed!

It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


I said she was foolish, a woman bemused
Or half-mad from woe for the cow she did lose,
Until early one morning, I went to the loo,
And as I pulled the chain there, I heard my cow moo!

It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


And now my Bright Flower, the moo-cow is home!
And I'm sure she's determined no more for to roam,
And she grazes contented where the pastures begin,
But you can bet your last dollar we keep her down-wind!

It's dark as a dungeon, it's loud as a zoo
Where the sewage runs free, and the loud cattle moo
Where the cowflops and feces of humans deploy!
Oh the sewers of China are a place to avoid!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 06 Sep 10 - 03:38 PM

A smiling Silver BLOB to Amos for the eminently reasonable:

you can bet your last dollar we keep her down-wind!

(Wouldn't that be last yuan?)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 06 Sep 10 - 04:15 PM

Er, do you think you could award some other prizes than Cow Chips on this occasion? :-)

Anyway Amos deserves at the very least a Cow Chip Chow Mein, for his high speed composition The Sewers of China and parody of 'Dark as a Dungeon'!

Anyway in fond memory of Gelett Burgess's 'Purple Cow':-

I've never smelled a sewer-logged cow.
I hope I never meet one;
But I can tell you anyhow
I'd rather smell than eat one.

Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 08:59 AM

To the tune of "The Rose Of Allendale"

The moon was bright, the night was clear,
No breeze blew over the grass.
I was graving in my Fujian home,
When something came to pass.

I walked around in search of food,
When suddenly OH my soul!.
My back legs dropped and dragged me down,
Into a neat round hole.

I couldn't shout or sound my horns,
So no-one was be alerted.
But people said they heard my Moooo,
And the crisis was averted.

My owner brought a winch-like crane,
And hoisted me from my plight.
I couldn't have spent another day,
in all that pee and shite.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 12:38 PM

In first verse NOT graving but grazing.... LOL


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 07 Sep 10 - 05:03 PM

An abbreviated Silver BLO for Matthew Edwards for the short but sweet:

I'd rather smell than eat one.

And a cow's-eye-view Silver BLOB for Georgiansilver for the completely understandable:

I couldn't have spent another day,
in all that pee and shite.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 08 Sep 10 - 09:41 AM

Perhaps the poor cow was trying to join the Bovine Underground?

Here's a little tale for children about the Bad Old Days.

Long, long, ago, in the days before Abolition, people used to keep animals for their meat and ate their burnt flesh (yes, children, I know it sounds horrible, but people didn't know any better in those days). Even then there were some places where animals were treated fairly, and cows, sheep, pigs and hens could live freely and safely graze at their ease. The animals who didn't live in these free places were kept in cruel concentration camps called farms where they rarely saw the light of day. They lived their short, miserable lives in filth and squalor, until they were herded into big trucks and taken to brutally efficient killing grounds called abattoirs where they were all slaughtered for their meat.

Of course the animals who were kept in farms used to dream of escaping to the open fields, and some of the Abolitionists established a secret route known as the Underground Railroad so that the farm animals could find their way to freedom. There are lots of songs and stories about the adventures of brave animals who fled to freedom in the days before the Great Vegetarian Declaration. This is one of those songs.

I Heard a Cow Low

I heard a cow low, a bonnie cow low,
And a cow low down in the ground;
But long long will the young cows weep
Till their mothers they have found.

I heard a cow low, a bonnie cow low,
And a cow low down in the fold;
O long long will the young cows weep
Till their mothers bring them from cold.

Waken you animals of the farm,
And hear your mothers moan;
Or will you stay till you are meat
And naught but skin and bone.

O I'll not stay till I am meat,
Nor yet eaten be;
But I moan for Freedom's land
It's there I long to be.

See you not that narrow road,
Up by yonder tree?
That's the road to the open fields
Where you shall be free.

And see you not that broad broad road,
That stinks of bloody breath;
That's the road to the slaughterhouse,
And that's the road to death.

Matthew Edwards

[Based on Child#40 The Queen of Elfan's Nourice]


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: GUEST,Ceto
Date: 08 Sep 10 - 05:43 PM

The Ballad of Wang Hsia

A fruitful province is our great Fujian
with terraced fields of emerald and tan
where many farmers labor as they can.

(Intermezzo: Xiao solo, bucolic)

Let here the most heroic tale be sung
of that brave mayor whose worthy name is Wang
who dreaded neither enemy nor dung!

One day, no evil to anticipate,
he searched his desk, some papers to collate;
his chopsticks clattered while his meal he ate.

(Tiqin solo, quiet and peaceful)

Awoken by a sudden noise, he saw
his deputy and future son-in-law
in front of him, all seized with shock and awe.

"Outside the village, down from underground,
I heard a terrifying mooing sound,
such as on earth will surely ne'er be found!

My aunt, the secretary's wife, would yell:
'The evil ghosts are screaming down in hell,
destruction and disasters to foretell!'"

(Percussion solo)

The mayor, however, trained by Mao and Marx,
runs out and to the noises boldly harks,
and then at all his men as follows barks:

"These are the mean invadors from Taiwan
who dug a tunnel to our dear Fujian
to slaughter the entire root of Han!

And with them on their subaquatic way
- for sure, forsooth, do mark the words I say! -
arrived their allies from the USA!

Since these, the Yanks, are known as cow-boys too,
it must appear as evident to you
that their vile language sounds just like moo-moo!

(Banjo and fiddle solos)

The patriotic slogan is: Ban Joe,
as erstwhile did the great Fiddèl Castrò
in '61, the Bay of Pigs, you know!

So take your pitch forks, none his weapon spares,
to demonstrate that we are worthy heirs
of revolutionary bold forebears!"

(March, potpourri of the respective national anthems)

Thus armed, the villagers, all men and boys,
walked forth in the direction of the noise,
till by a concrete-bordered hole they'd poise.

"Attack!" Wang Hsia commanded fervently,
and climbed upon the nearest mulb'rry tree,
so that the battle he may oversee.

Some silkworms nibbled at his silken tie,
that he had bought when cited to Shanghai.
"'Tis but a cow!" the crowd then came to cry.

"The cow down there is clearly Sheng Hsueh's,
who has been missing her for these four days!
She eats like starving, badly needs to graze."

Thus did report Wang's loyal deputy
and, as I said, his son-in-law to-be,
upon which news the mayor blushed heavily.

But soon Wang Hsia regained his countenance,
he realized how he might embrace his chance
by taking up his most heroic stance:

"Dear patriots, victorious in fight!
Averted is the ghastly gruesome plight!
The coward enemies are put to flight!

When we attacked them with our bravest verve,
how small their chances, did they well observe,
and thereupon they lost their very nerve.

In panic they'd resort to beating it.
They left behind a giant pile of shit
and all their loot abandoned in the pit!"

The crowd, relieved, applauded him with glee:
"Long live our mayor, who oh so valiantly
has led us to this glorious victory!"

(Full orchestral apotheosis)

And while the farmer strove to tow his cow,
Wang Hsia performed a classical kowtow
towards the monument of Chairman Mao.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 02:05 AM

Guest Ceto you are some composer!!!!! Such a class composition for a minor incident!!! Excellent!! I reckon you deserve the highest award.......


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 02:26 AM

Well, Ceto does deserve an interludinous Silver BLOB at least for the interstanziary:

(Intermezzo: Xiao solo, bucolic) and so forth. Nice!

And a revolutionary Silver BLOB to Matthew for the cows-with-guns evoking:

O I'll not stay till I am meat,
Nor yet eaten be;
But I moan for Freedom's land
It's there I long to be.


Good showing, lads and lasses! Keep 'em comin'!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 09:25 AM

Huzzah, Matthew Edwards, and huzzah to Ceto too, for fine compositions!


A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 10:14 AM

Yes a warm welcome (with full orchestral apotheosis!!!) to Ceto for a superbly performed Beijing Opera libretto in scintillating terza rima.
Mind you I'm still finding lovely tricks hidden in the rhyme scheme of Ceto's debut from the previous Challenge , especially the "sidewalk horoscope maker".

Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: GUEST,Ceto
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 02:28 PM

Thank you all for the warm welcome and your own wonderful contributions! The CHALLENGE is such a great fun for me to read, that I am very pleased if I succeed in adding to the general pleasure. The main attraction is the great variety in ways of dealing with a single topic. I'm looking forward to reading many more enjoyable lyrics, each in its distinct style!

Ceto


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 03:34 PM

Here's one just for your enjoyment :) "Niu" appears to be Chinese for "Cow" -- it's pronounced "knee-oh"

Niu Hsueh
(tune of Charles Giteau)

Come all you tender farmers, wherever you may be
And likewise pay attention to these few moos from me
I wandered from my pasture to make my getaway
When I fell in the sewer and was stuck there for a day

(Chorus)
My name is Niu Hsueh, my name I'll never forswear
To leave my Chinese owner, to go I know not where
But little did I think in my little bovine brain
I'd fall into the sewer and be hauled out by a crane

I learned from other bovines what fate had planned for me
Our owner planned to slaughter us, and sell us for a fee
This seemed to me a bad thing, and so I made my plan
Escape it seemed a good thing, and from the herd I ran

(repeat chorus)

My brother tried to stop me, he tried to hinder me
He threw himself before me, and mooed most bitterly
He argued that we're mortal, and someday we must die
So why not be digested by some shepherd in his pie

(repeat chorus)

But I would not believe him, and finally got away
I wandered up and down the hills forever and a day
But then I came upon a pipe that went down in the ground
And followed it not knowing where the other end was found

(repeat chorus)

And now you know my story, of how I came to be
Down in the lonesome sewer, and how they rescued me
They threw a rope around me, and hauled me from that place
How good to eat the grass and feel clean wind upon my face!

(repeat chorus)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Amos
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 04:09 PM

Oh, double Blobs upon you, good Thief of Mice!! LOL!!!



A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 04:27 PM

Dear Comrade Mousethief,

The Revolutionary Marxist-Leninist Official Provisional Continuity Fifth International Chinese Socialist Party (North West Cheshire (UK) Branch) is pleased to award you the Most Noble Medal of the Order of the Golden Cow Chip.

I am authorised to inform you that the Central Committee was unanimous in its decision (regrettably all the other members have defected to the Sixth International Socialist Party at the Rose & Crown pub where the execrable capitalist beer is served in imperialist measures).

If you are willing to accept this award, please forward your bank account details to my accountant at the First National Nigerian Bank of Lagos.

Your most humble servant,

Matthew Edwards


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 05:02 PM

LOL @ Matthew!!!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 09 Sep 10 - 05:19 PM

Most honourable thank you.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Sep 10 - 01:30 PM

bump


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 14 Sep 10 - 12:51 AM

BLOBs are going to be late this week. I have my hands full and then some. I'll post a new challenge presently.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 02:52 AM

Sorry for taking so long -- I've been working long hours at a strenuous job (strenuous for my old body, anyways) and coming home and collapsing. But I'm feeling better tonight so here are last week's Golden Cow Chip awards!

The Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (for making the Judges fall on the floor laughing OR make them short out their keyboard with tears) is awarded to:
  • Matthew Edwards for "I've never smelled a sewer-logged cow"
  • Georgiansilver for "The moon was bright, the night was clear"

The Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song) is awarded to:
  • Amos for "The Sewers of China"

The Golden Cow Chip Award with Mt. Rainier Medallion (for closely and hilariously following the pattern of its original) is awarded to:
  • Matthew Edwards for "I Heard a Cow Low"

The Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (for evoking an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Judges and onto their monitor screen) is awarded to:
  • Ceto for "The Ballad of Wang Hsia"


Thank you all for competing in our Challenge! Let's hear it for our winners! Huzzah!

The newest installment of our contest is here: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 6


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 10:23 AM

Take care of yourself with doing lots of strenuous work, and don't wear yourself out.

As Oscar Wilde said "Work is the curse of the drinking classes!", to which Ronald Reagan added "They say hard work never killed anyone, but I figured 'Why take the chance?'"

Anyway thanks for all your efforts on these new Song Challenges; they are great fun, and you've inspired a few really enjoyable verses and songs.

All the best, Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Amos
Date: 17 Sep 10 - 10:38 AM

Well done to you, Sir Mousethief!!


A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Flash Company
Date: 22 Oct 10 - 11:00 AM

Oh there was a cow fell in a sewer,
And in a sewer it died,
And at the coroner's inquest, sure
They called it sewer-side!

I'll get me coat!

FC


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: Trapper
Date: 22 Oct 10 - 02:56 PM

Dang! I wrote this before I read the other entries... didn't realize Mouse Thief had already written his prison break song. Oh well - here's another.

Trapper

CHINESE FARM BREAK BLUES
Tune: Folsom Prison Blues by Johnny Cash
New Words: Trapper (Al Boyce) 10/22/2010

I hear Sheng Hsueh a comin'
He's comin' round the bend
And I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when,
I'm a cow inside a tunnel, and time keeps draggin' on
If I were 5 stone smaller, I'd be in old Hong Kong!

We overheard the farmer
Talking to his wife one day
"We're gonna lose the farm, too many bills there are to pay
We'll have to kill the livestock, cash in, and move away.
So let's fatten them all up now, and then begin to slay."

The rooster called a meeting,
and all of us were there.
"We've got to form an escape plan to get away from here.
We've got to dig a tunnel, down by the bamboo tree.
If we hang around this farmyard, we'll all be fricassee."

The chickens ran through first,
Ducks and geese not far behind.
The goats and pigs got through, but I was in a bind
If I'd cut back on the oats now, I'd be moo-vin' on
Now I hear the farmer comin', Soon I will be Szechuan


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 5
From: mousethief
Date: 22 Oct 10 - 10:57 PM

Bravo! Bravo! I'm getting hungry already! Please accept this award:

Golden Cow Chip with Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration

   (The Doo-Lyn Ditty Digger Decoration is awarded for the best cow chip chunking Country version of a song in a Challenge!)


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