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Song Challenge! 2.0 - Fit 8

mousethief 26 Sep 10 - 12:26 AM
Georgiansilver 26 Sep 10 - 02:51 AM
Matthew Edwards 26 Sep 10 - 09:08 AM
Amos 26 Sep 10 - 11:47 AM
Amos 26 Sep 10 - 01:17 PM
mousethief 27 Sep 10 - 03:23 PM
GUEST,Neil D 28 Sep 10 - 10:08 AM
Matthew Edwards 28 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM
Georgiansilver 28 Sep 10 - 03:48 PM
Amos 28 Sep 10 - 04:10 PM
mousethief 28 Sep 10 - 04:21 PM
Matthew Edwards 28 Sep 10 - 04:26 PM
Georgiansilver 28 Sep 10 - 04:32 PM
Amos 28 Sep 10 - 05:13 PM
mousethief 28 Sep 10 - 06:20 PM
Matthew Edwards 28 Sep 10 - 07:26 PM
mousethief 28 Sep 10 - 08:54 PM
Neil D 28 Sep 10 - 11:45 PM
mousethief 29 Sep 10 - 04:56 PM
Amos 29 Sep 10 - 05:55 PM
mousethief 29 Sep 10 - 05:57 PM
mousethief 29 Sep 10 - 06:14 PM
Amos 29 Sep 10 - 07:15 PM
GUEST,Ceto 30 Sep 10 - 05:47 AM
Matthew Edwards 30 Sep 10 - 02:04 PM
Georgiansilver 30 Sep 10 - 03:11 PM
Matthew Edwards 30 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM
mousethief 01 Oct 10 - 12:25 AM
GUEST,Ceto 01 Oct 10 - 09:41 AM
mousethief 01 Oct 10 - 10:30 AM
Matthew Edwards 01 Oct 10 - 01:07 PM
mousethief 01 Oct 10 - 03:50 PM
mousethief 02 Oct 10 - 09:32 PM
mousethief 04 Oct 10 - 12:44 AM
mousethief 04 Oct 10 - 01:14 AM
VirginiaTam 04 Oct 10 - 02:34 AM
Trapper 28 Oct 10 - 12:18 PM
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Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Sep 10 - 12:26 AM

SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8

I'm having a great time reading all of the clever songs that are being written for the Challenge! -- I hope y'all are too! Here's this week's story. I actually heard about it before I went looking up weird news stories for this week's Challenge! Certainly we can think of some funny things to sing about it:

Mont. woman fends off bear attack with zucchini

FRENCHTOWN, Mont. ? Police say a Montana woman used an unlikely weapon to fend off a charging bear ? a zucchini.

Missoula County Sheriff's Lt. Rich Maricelli says a 200-pound black bear attacked the woman's 12-year-old collie just after midnight Wednesday on the back porch of her home about 15 miles west of Missoula.

When the woman, whom police did not name, screamed to draw the bear's attention, it charged her and swiped at her leg.

Maricelli says the woman jumped back into the doorway and reached for the nearest object on her kitchen counter ? a 12-inch zucchini from her garden.

The woman flung the vegetable at the bear, striking it on top of the head and causing it to flee.

Maricelli says the woman did not need medical attention. Wildlife officials were trying to locate the bear on Thursday.


Is that a twelve inch zucchini in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 26 Sep 10 - 02:51 AM

This giant bear attacked my dog, without a thought I shouted out,
And backed away towards my kitchen door.
That bear it took a swipe at me, I grabbed a 12 inch zuccini,
That bear it sure aint comin' back for more.

I've got the bare necessity, that bare necessity,
Forget about your troubles and your strife.
My super 12 inch zucchini, is my bare necessity,
It saved me and my lovely Collies life!

I was pretty scared you know, when that big bear came at me,
I grabbed out at the first thing I could touch.
Through the air zucchini sped, hit that big bear on the head,
He was not expecting that, not much!!!!

I've got the bare necessity, that bare necessity,
Forget about your troubles and your strife.
My super 12 inch zucchini, is my bare necessity,
It saved me and my lovely Collies life!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 26 Sep 10 - 09:08 AM

That was a fast response, Georgiansilver; very neat to think of that song.

I read through Bobert's thread on Livin' with Black Bears, and nobody there came up with the advice of using zucchini as a defence. He could have saved himself a lot of worry by just planting rows of ground squash!

Most encounters with bears follow the pattern of this traditional verse:

Algernon and the Bear

Algy saw a bear,
The bear saw Algy.
The bear was bulgy;
The bulge was Algy.

However if the Montana woman's discovery is to be trusted perhaps we should now use this guidance:-

If you meet a bear (genus Ursus),
It's no good shouting threats or curses;
Don't forget
To use a courgette,
Or you may come off much the worsest.

Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 26 Sep 10 - 11:47 AM

LOL Matthew!! Very funny!!


A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 26 Sep 10 - 01:17 PM

I am a poor black bear, my story is sad.
For I have always been generous and gave what I had,
I've tried to be helpful, and not act too posh,
'Til the day I was ruined by a zucchini squash.

The story's a strange one, i am sure you'll agree,
I was minding me business and rambling quite free
In the hills of Missoula, where the air is so clear
When a mating call reached me, and struck my heart queer!

Oh, I've mated before, for I am not a sprat,
But I never had heard such a sweet call as that!
It was faint, it was high, floating down through the night
And my soul, it responded, like a moth to the light!

So I trundled and barged through the high piny hills,
And the call it continued, still giving me chills!
And at last to a clearing I followed it down
And I could not believe what a shock there I found!

For there in the clearing, a humanoid home
And a foolish domestic dog, chewing a bone
And whimpering loudly his stomach;s delight!
And this was the lure I had heard in the night!

Oh wicked deception, to so cruely deceive!
Such callous betrayal, could not be believed!
ANd my dreams of bear rollicks, they vanished like mist!
And you'll understand why I was terribly pissed!!

For a she-bear's flirtatious, a she-bear's a tease
And we learn how to deal with such antics as these,
But it's all too insulting, when your dreams turn to smog
Because of the whimpers of an uppity dog!!

Swept up in my anger, my wrath to expunge
To bite of that young collie's head I did lunge,
But a scream of defiance it soon split my ears
From a humanoid woman who was hovering near!

A curse on such wenches, they deserve to be crushed!
For disturbing the course of a black bear in lust!
And crush her I would have, and left her for dead,
Except for the missile she lobbed at my head!

Confusion and pain from a dog and a squash!
And a little old lady!! Such terrible tosh!
If this tale in the forest was to circulate round,
My repute would be ruined! I'd be run out of town!

In fury and pain, my erection disbanded
And my eyebrow a-bleeding where the zucchini landed
And in fear for my name in the black-bear community,
I fed for the deep woods, and prayed for impunity!

So listen, you black bears, take warning from this
And learn who it is first that offers the kiss!
Or you'll end up betrayed by deception and bosh,
And a screaming damned human, and a zucchini squash!!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 27 Sep 10 - 03:23 PM

Off to a great start and it's only Monday! Here's three Silver BLOBs:
  • A Balloo-worthy BLOB to Georgiansilver for the toe-tapping:
    My super 12 inch zucchini, is my bare necessity
    It saved me and my lovely Collies life!
  • A short-but-sweet BLOB to Matthew Edwards for the colloquial:
    Don't forget
    To use a courgette,
    Or you may come off much the worsest.
  • And finally an ursine BLOB to Amos for the lovelorn:
    A curse on such wenches, they deserve to be crushed!
    For disturbing the course of a black bear in lust!
Keep up the good work! Hope to hear soon from our other usual Challengees! and maybe some new ones too!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: GUEST,Neil D
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 10:08 AM

There's a cross-eyed bear
With shaggy black hair
Who goes by the name of Gladly

Seen dancing the hula
Outside of Missoula
And otherwise behaving quite badly

At this time of year
When autumn is near
And bears are grown all fat and sassy

This particular bear
Went out on a tear
And had a go at faithful old Lassie

Bears usually don't eat
Tough collie meat
This bear was just an old meany

But that Montana housewife
With no fear for her life
Attacked with her foot-long zucchini

Now Gladly has fled
Being bonked on the head
His eyes are now permanently crossed

He was almost a rug
Nearly SQUASHED like a bug
His battle with produce quite lost

He ran off all surly
To hibernate early
And dream away his momentous scare

Just one final word
Now you all have just heard
About Gladly the Cross-eyed Bear


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM

Neil D, your song is just unbearably brilliant!!!!

Welcome to the Song Challenges; I hope you'll stick around and contribute some more verses as you clearly have a wicked sense of humour and a genuine knack with words!

Matthew

Warning: Comic verse can be seriously addictive, resulting in premature mirth.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 03:48 PM

Need to be careful how it is apportioned then eh??


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 04:10 PM

And don't be writing your verses with imperious attitudes, or you may end up suffering Caesarean mirth, too!


A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 04:21 PM

Wait! Are you two practicing mirth control?


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 04:26 PM

Its ok Pope mousethief - we only use the rhythm method!!!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 04:32 PM

mirth control?? That is reserved for the condom inium!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 05:13 PM

Is that what we used to call the funny house? Only downsized?


A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 06:20 PM

If you both have the same misdeed in your heads, you're sin-co-pated. Which is not the rhythm method at all.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 07:26 PM

Dear Auntie mousethief, I'm sorry to have to confess its not just the both of us; sometimes we are a Ménage à trois, or occasionally there are even more of us!

I sincerely hope you will BEAR with us.

Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 08:54 PM

Yeah yeah but what about the bear and the twelve-inch --erm-- weapon?


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Neil D
Date: 28 Sep 10 - 11:45 PM

I think he ran off into the woods because he was suffering from zucchinus envy.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Sep 10 - 04:56 PM

I try not to judge a woman by the length of her zucchini.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 29 Sep 10 - 05:55 PM

That's noble of you, Alex!! LOL!!!!

How about her thumbs?



A


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Sep 10 - 05:57 PM

I was going to make a pun using the word "thumbscrew" but thought better of it.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Sep 10 - 06:14 PM

Running Bear

(SFX: stereotypical racist Indian "woo woo woo" sounds; continue with stereotypical racist Indian "oonga oonga" chant throughout as continuo)

Running Bear lived in Missoula
Eating berries on the sly
Running Bear thought he'd like collie
So he looked for one to try

Running Bear walked up I-90
Ever westward he did track
When he came to little Frenchtown
He thought he'd find a doggy snack

(chorus)
Running Bear came to Frenchtown
Looking for a dog to eat
Running Bear came to Frenchtown
For a crunchy collie treat

Running Bear saw him a collie
On a back porch in the town
Running Bear walked through the garden
For to gulp that collie down

When his claws reached, and his lips drooled
He was ready to be fed
When a small, obnoxious lady
Threw zucchini at his head!

(repeat chorus)

(close with SFX as at beginning)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Amos
Date: 29 Sep 10 - 07:15 PM

(I remember the humduddahumdeehumdee Injun chorus on that 45 as though it were yesterday. )


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: GUEST,Ceto
Date: 30 Sep 10 - 05:47 AM

Yesterday
All my troubles seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly
I'm not half the bear I used to be,
A zucchino banging over me
Has changed my whole life suddenly.

For hot dogs I'd go,
Then, you know,
A girl would say:
"It's not right, it's wrong!"
Now I long
For yesterday.

Yesterday
Eating meat kept me alive and gay,
Eating veggies now is all I may,
Oh, I believe in yesterday.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 30 Sep 10 - 02:04 PM

Some great contributions here; a plaintive tribute to the Native American traditions by the noble Sir Mousethief, and the welcome return of guest Ceto and an ode to Sir Paul's vegetarian principles. Frank Zappa himself couldn't have called any vegetable to any greater deed than to lay down its life in protection of a lady and her dog.

The Black Bear and the Zucchini

There was a black bear who lived in the woods;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
He coveted some of his neighbours' goods.
Raddledee umbo dairy

The bear wooed his neighbour's twelve year old collie;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
And he swore he would have her by gosh and by golly.
Raddledee umbo dairy

Now the bear loved the dog with devotion and ardour;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
At the sight of the collie his passion grew harder.
Raddledee umbo dairy

Now a bear and a dog it isn't like Disney;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
For the combination can be rather grisly.
Raddledee umbo dairy

But the neighbour's wife (whom the bear didn't covet);
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
Graphically told the bear where to shove it.
Raddledee umbo dairy

The bear rose up, a two-hundred pound meanie,
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
While she brandished at him a twelve-inch zucchini.
Raddledee umbo dairy

(It may be peculiar to the town of Missoula;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
That a one-foot courgette is a real passion cooler.)
Raddledee umbo dairy

She threw the squash straight at the bear's head;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
And the bear he took to his heels and he fled.
Raddledee umbo dairy

The bear retreated over the hill;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
And if he isn't dead yet then he's living there still.
Raddledee umbo dairy

If you want any more of this ludicrous tale;
Hi ho ransom diddy dum
You must buy me another flagon of ale.
Raddledee umbo dairy


Matthew Edwards

I humbly apologise to the memory of Cecilia Costello whose delightful version of the tale of 'The Frog and the Mouse' inspired the lines above.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Sep 10 - 03:11 PM

You may be thinking of me as a meany,
Hi ho ransom diddy dum.
But all I can offer is a zucchini!
Raddledee umbo dairy.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 30 Sep 10 - 03:28 PM

Thanks Mike! Thats one courgette I shall never forget!

"My vegetable love should grow
Vaster than empires, and more slow."


Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 12:25 AM

Funny you should quote that poem, as I just yesterday read the Ursula K LeGuin story named after it.

Anyway we need some Silver BLOBs here! And here they are!
  • A punny BLOB to Neil D for the inarguable:
    Bears usually don't eat
    Tough collie meat
    This bear was just an old meany
  • A Merseyside BLOB to Ceto for the demiursine:
    Suddenly
    I'm not half the bear I used to be
  • A hey-nonny BLOB to Matthew Edwards for the eyebrow-raising:
    At the sight of the collie his passion grew harder.
  • And finally, a whiff of Matthew's BLOB to Georgiansilver
Keep up the great work, Challengees!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: GUEST,Ceto
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 09:41 AM

Matthew, your enthusiasm is contagious. Your Olde English folksong last week was truly outstanding, it demonstrated that a Lewis-and-Clark County Sheriff and a Sheriff of Nottingham have more in common than we usually think. Golden Fiddle Rosin Dust!

Unfortunately I cannot deliver an opera per week, as Rossini could. Neither can I honour all entries as they deserve, and in fact I don't feel I should, when I participate myself. Please consider yourselves Goldified altogether.

Mousethief: you are an obvious exception; I solemnly award you the Golden Mouse Fleece for Lifetime Achievement, decorated with a Silver Chieftain's Feather for your above opus!

I realize that a single courgette is a zucchini in the USA. In my little parody above, I certainly didn't want to teach that poor American bear to use an Italian singular. So zucchini at least have one property in common with sheep, deer, moose, bison, and fish, if that is any solace.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 10:30 AM

Thani you!

For what it's worth, I thought the use of "zucchino" was inspired.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Matthew Edwards
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 01:07 PM

Thank you Ceto; I'm delighted to be able to spread this kind of contagion! Good to have you back, but an occasional aria will do if you haven't time for a whole libretto.

I fully concur with your sentiments towards the Honourable Lord Mousethief, and since he is not allowed to confer awards on himself I have no hesitation in bestowing on him the following magnificent trophy:-

The Dances-With-Bears Golden Cow Chip Award with Zucchino Flower for Running Bear

Matthew


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 01 Oct 10 - 03:50 PM

Zucchini and Bears

I went to Frenchtown in the middle of the day
I saw a dog on a porch right away
I thought I would eat him, but to my disgrace
A housewife appeared and threw veg at my face

She throws zu- zu- zu- zu- zu- zucchini at bears
Any bears, many bears, one bear or two
There's nothing on earth that mad housewife won't do
She'll throw a zucchini
zu-zu-zucchini
She'll throw a zucchini, zucchini at bears

I had been hungry for many a long day
I soon will be sleeping the winter away
A collie would make a good meal, I would say
Till that veg-lobbing housewife quite scared me away

She throws (etc)

Now I am still hungry and feel quite abused
Zucchini-caused bruises don't make me amused
Next time I'll charge in and I won't be refused
I'll get me a helmet and eat what I choose

She throws (etc)


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 02 Oct 10 - 09:32 PM

bump


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 12:44 AM

Fit 8 winners -- if you can bear it!

The Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon (for making the Judges fall on the floor laughing OR make them short out their keyboard with tears) is hereby awarded to:
  • Matthew Edwards for "If you meet a bear (genus Ursis)"
  • Amos for "I am a poor black bear, my story is sad."
  • Neil D for "There's a cross-eyed bear"
The Golden Cow Chip Award with with Mt. Rainier Medallion (for closely and hilariously following the pattern of its original) is hereby awarded to:
  • Georgiansilver for "The Bare Necessity"
  • Cato for "Yesterday"
The Golden Cow Chip Award with Memorial MMario Silverplated Spittoon (for evoking an instantaneous bubbling up of frothy mirth from out of the lips of the Judges and onto their monitor screen) is hereby awarded to:
  • Matthew Edwards for "The Black Bear and the Zucchini"
Thanks, Challengees! I'm lovin' this -- I hope y'all are too. I'll post a link to fit 9 here once I've created it.


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: mousethief
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 01:14 AM

Link to: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 9


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 04 Oct 10 - 02:34 AM

Once again Mudcat makes my day! Wonderful!


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Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! 2.0 - Fit 8
From: Trapper
Date: 28 Oct 10 - 12:18 PM

Wow - TWO Song Challenges in a row about weird stuff that happens in Helena! First kids trying to buying dope from the Law (FIT 7), and now women battering ferocious animals with garden vegetables.... Helena sounds like a good place to be FROM...

For rhyming sake, I changed the breed of her dog.

- Al


BLACK BEAR CORNERED
Tune: House at Pooh Corner (Kenny Loggins)
New Words: Trapper (Al Boyce)

My dogs had to pee, so I did agree
To let them out in the back yard
Much to my despair, they surprised a black bear
As they ran back, they growled and barked hard
But the bear grabbed the oldest dog the of the three
And I've got to fight back, so to set my dog free!


CHORUS:
So, help me if you can I've got to get
back to the house to pick up my shotgun
To save my dog, put that bear on the run
Hit him square between the eyes...
Crap! No gun, I must improvise
I guess this ten pound zucchnni squash must do...


My cockapoo didn't know what to do
Got a big black bear up in his face
I screamed "I'll be damned!" as he slashed at my gam -
Grabbed the squash 'cause my gun was misplaced
What could I do to end this affair, but
Bounce a big squash off the nose of a bear!

[TO CHORUS]


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