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BS: Stupidest Question Asked!

Peter T. 27 Aug 99 - 10:59 AM
JedMarum 27 Aug 99 - 11:14 AM
Rick Fielding 27 Aug 99 - 11:59 AM
Cara 27 Aug 99 - 12:51 PM
Steve Latimer 27 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM
erinmaidin 27 Aug 99 - 01:14 PM
Allan C. 27 Aug 99 - 01:29 PM
Neil Lowe 27 Aug 99 - 01:31 PM
Jen 27 Aug 99 - 01:38 PM
Marion 27 Aug 99 - 02:08 PM
Mike Billo 27 Aug 99 - 04:09 PM
Roger in Baltimore 27 Aug 99 - 04:12 PM
Peter T. 27 Aug 99 - 05:07 PM
Neil Lowe 27 Aug 99 - 06:18 PM
Bev and Jerry 27 Aug 99 - 06:52 PM
Jeremiah McCaw 27 Aug 99 - 07:40 PM
Pelrad 27 Aug 99 - 07:49 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 27 Aug 99 - 07:50 PM
Banjer 27 Aug 99 - 07:52 PM
bill\sables 27 Aug 99 - 07:56 PM
Pelrad 27 Aug 99 - 07:56 PM
bill\sables 27 Aug 99 - 08:21 PM
Banjoman_CO 27 Aug 99 - 08:37 PM
catspaw49 27 Aug 99 - 08:42 PM
annamill 27 Aug 99 - 08:45 PM
Mike Billo 27 Aug 99 - 09:43 PM
JedMarum 27 Aug 99 - 11:29 PM
catspaw49 27 Aug 99 - 11:56 PM
bseed(charleskratz) 28 Aug 99 - 12:22 AM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 12:47 AM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 01:14 AM
Sandy Paton 28 Aug 99 - 02:04 AM
Jeremiah McCaw 28 Aug 99 - 05:54 AM
Banjer 28 Aug 99 - 08:16 AM
Roger in Baltimore 28 Aug 99 - 09:07 AM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 09:14 AM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 09:20 AM
Jeri 28 Aug 99 - 09:22 AM
28 Aug 99 - 09:37 AM
WyoWoman 28 Aug 99 - 10:51 AM
Sandy Paton 28 Aug 99 - 10:55 AM
Alice 28 Aug 99 - 11:18 AM
JedMarum 28 Aug 99 - 11:43 AM
annamill 28 Aug 99 - 12:09 PM
bob schwarer 28 Aug 99 - 01:47 PM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 07:08 PM
Bill D 28 Aug 99 - 07:08 PM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 07:50 PM
catspaw49 28 Aug 99 - 07:52 PM
Jen 28 Aug 99 - 08:55 PM
snookadive 28 Aug 99 - 10:19 PM
campfire 29 Aug 99 - 12:16 AM
O'Boyle 29 Aug 99 - 02:52 AM
bob schwarer 29 Aug 99 - 07:02 AM
Bill D 29 Aug 99 - 10:46 AM
Bill D 29 Aug 99 - 10:59 AM
Jeri 29 Aug 99 - 12:19 PM
WyoWoman 29 Aug 99 - 01:07 PM
Dave Swan 29 Aug 99 - 08:08 PM
Bill D 29 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM
sophocleese 29 Aug 99 - 09:49 PM
Andres Magre 30 Aug 99 - 02:20 AM
Andres Magre 30 Aug 99 - 03:08 AM
Den 30 Aug 99 - 09:17 AM
Lady McMoo 30 Aug 99 - 11:25 AM
Peter T. 30 Aug 99 - 11:26 AM
catspaw49 30 Aug 99 - 12:06 PM
annamill 30 Aug 99 - 01:21 PM
Bert 30 Aug 99 - 01:32 PM
Dave Swan 30 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM
Margo 30 Aug 99 - 02:14 PM
Roger in Baltimore 30 Aug 99 - 03:12 PM
Bert 30 Aug 99 - 03:17 PM
kendall morse (don't use) 30 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM
Lonesome EJ 30 Aug 99 - 04:37 PM
Bert 30 Aug 99 - 05:06 PM
sophocleese 30 Aug 99 - 07:17 PM
Margo 30 Aug 99 - 07:25 PM
sophocleese 30 Aug 99 - 08:27 PM
Banjer 30 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM
bbc 30 Aug 99 - 09:57 PM
catspaw49 30 Aug 99 - 10:22 PM
Art Thieme 30 Aug 99 - 11:27 PM
Lonesome EJ 30 Aug 99 - 11:53 PM
Joe Offer 31 Aug 99 - 03:46 AM
bob schwarer 31 Aug 99 - 07:29 AM
catspaw49 31 Aug 99 - 09:50 AM
kendall morse (don't use) 31 Aug 99 - 10:03 AM
kendall morse (don't use) 31 Aug 99 - 10:11 AM
kendall morse (don't use) 31 Aug 99 - 10:12 AM
Peter T. 31 Aug 99 - 10:16 AM
Bert 31 Aug 99 - 10:19 AM
Dave Swan 31 Aug 99 - 11:41 AM
Margo 31 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM
catspaw49 31 Aug 99 - 01:42 PM
catspaw49 31 Aug 99 - 01:51 PM
Bert 31 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM
kendall morse (don't use) 31 Aug 99 - 02:44 PM
catspaw49 31 Aug 99 - 02:53 PM
Dave Swan 31 Aug 99 - 03:09 PM
Lonesome EJ 31 Aug 99 - 03:11 PM
Marion 31 Aug 99 - 04:16 PM
MMario 31 Aug 99 - 04:26 PM
KathWestra 31 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM
MMario 31 Aug 99 - 04:45 PM
SandyBob 31 Aug 99 - 05:09 PM
Bill D 31 Aug 99 - 05:44 PM
Jen 31 Aug 99 - 05:55 PM
MK 31 Aug 99 - 07:37 PM
Art Thieme 31 Aug 99 - 11:09 PM
Alice 31 Aug 99 - 11:42 PM
KingBrilliant 01 Sep 99 - 12:49 PM
KingBrilliant 01 Sep 99 - 12:52 PM
BILL MCGOWAN 01 Sep 99 - 05:37 PM
10 Sep 99 - 02:39 PM
Bert 10 Sep 99 - 03:03 PM
bill\sables 10 Sep 99 - 09:11 PM
wildlone 10 Sep 99 - 11:32 PM
Escamillo 11 Sep 99 - 05:51 AM
poet 11 Sep 99 - 07:28 PM
Ma-K 12 Nov 99 - 11:43 PM
Lonesome EJ 12 Nov 99 - 11:59 PM
Liz the Squeak 13 Nov 99 - 02:25 PM

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Subject: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Peter T.
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 10:59 AM

Rick's posting about Pete Seeger on CNN not being asked "How did you write 'Where Have All...?" reminded me of a small hobby I have of collecting the stupidest questions asked of famous people. Some favourites (all true, or reported as true by the victim):
Once asked of Arlo Guthrie: "What kind of name is Arlo?"
Once asked of Luciano Pavarotti: "If you weren't an opera singer, would you be Luciano Pavarotti?"
Once asked of Sigourney Weaver: "Those scenes in Alien -- could you do those on a full stomach?"
An old favourite, asked of Lily Pons: "When you aren't using your stage name, are you anybody?"
Anyone got any, maybe even asked of you?
The performers among us must have gotten really stupid requests....yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: JedMarum
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 11:14 AM

... well I suppose many performers have similar stories of 'stupid questions' but once upon a time, when I told a pretty young woman who requested a song that I know her her request, she asked for another, and another - I knew none of the ones she ask for ... when she said, 'well just play something good,' I jokingly told her I didn't know any good songs - undeterred, she simply said; well play something that you know!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 11:59 AM

Yeah, as a performer you get some astonishingly stupid questions, usually asked by radio hosts on so called "Folk Programs". As a Canadian you kind of get used to American interviewers making "Canada = Cold" questions, but my all time favourite happened a number of years ago. In an un-named City (that could have been Boston) a folk host asked (humourously) "Hey, how'd you learn to play guitar while wearing mittens?" I took it as a joke and replied (also joking) "yeah, it was difficult", then added " Do you ever reach for your capo and get your automatic weapon instead?" Naturally, he took an instant hatred to me.

Once I listened to this introduction. "Hey, remember those days of protests, coffee houses, long hair and LSD? Well, we're going to speak to R. F. right now who's been strumming his guitar all the way through it! Hey Rick, bet you can't wait for those Hootenany days to come back!"
My evil twin immediately took over. (it appears in the form of my own personal anti-stupidity super-hero to be rude when neccessary). I proceeded to mention every obscure folk musician I could think of over the (very) short interview and did my best to confuse him totally. He ALSO took an instant hatred to me...but it was worth it!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Cara
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 12:51 PM

But, those Canada=cold jokes are so funny...

If you'll consider waitresses as performance artists for a moment, this is the stupidest/funniest question anyone ever asked me:

During a convention at the hotel across the street, the modest "Irish" pub I work(ed) in was jam packed. This convention boasted some particularly annoying and needy attendees, so everyone's temper was a bit short. A man asked me for a Chardonnay, but whemn I brought it back to the table he said he had ordered a red wine. "I'm sorry, sir," I said, "but I'm pretty sure that you ordered a Chardonnay." "Yes," he replied, "but I wanted a RED Chardonnay." I was a little irritated, but I'm no wine expert myself so I brought him a "red Chardonnay" (a burgundy) and asked if they were ready to order. He said they were, but he had one question first: "What type of fish do y'all use in your New York strip?" (this while pointing at the section of the menu clearly labelled STEAKS AND CHOPS)

Second runner up, when I worked at a very busy Starbucks (briefly) a woman asked me if she could set her medium sized dog on the counter while she looked for change. People at Starbucks also often inquired, "Do you sell coffee?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM

Rick,

A scathing but brilliant comeback. Everyone knows we play in gloves with the fingertips cut out.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: erinmaidin
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 01:14 PM

I'm by no means or stretch of the imagination, famous..however...after singin' my heart out one night...some fella approached me and told me he thought I was brilliant....then asked me "Is that your real voice"? Can they be got at Wal-Mart now and I've just not been told???!!!!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Allan C.
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 01:29 PM

Once I entertained a women's organization by playing a raftload of traditional songs. I included information about the histories, folk idioms, and such. I was about to finish, so I asked if there were any questions. "Yes." replied one young woman, "Do you know 'Last Kiss'?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Neil Lowe
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 01:31 PM

".....testing, testing... Is this thing on?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jen
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 01:38 PM

"Can you play that?" Asked when I got my harp out of her case at a festival. Noooo... I just carry it around to look cool....*g*

"Do you have any books here?" Asked at the library where I work--seriously.

"You didn't really make that, did you?" Asked at a craft show after reading the sign that said "handmade by Jennifer St.Clair..."

"What is that thing?" Asked at same festival about my harp. I've been asked that about my flutes too, and ocarinas, of course. No one seems to know what an ocarina is.

and my #1 favorite, while sitting at the circulation desk reading the latest Stephen King...

"You don't read *that* kind of book, do you?" No, I'm just sitting here staring at the pages.

Jen


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Marion
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 02:08 PM

I live in an thin-walled apartment building and I'm a novice fiddler, so I often practice outside at a distance to prevent my neighbours from shooting me. One day when I was playing (this was less than half a year after I started fiddle) somebody walking by asked me, "Are you a professional?"

Dumb question maybe, but I liked it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Mike Billo
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 04:09 PM

Recently while playing at a local bar a fellow came up to me and asked, "You're Brian, aren't you?" to which I replied, "No. My name's Mike. Mike Billo". He said, "Are you sure?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 04:12 PM

Reminds me of a song....

I think it was in a Tom Glazer songbook. It was called "Foolish Questions". A sample:

You just fell down the (elevator) shaft,
And you're lying there inert.
Some fool comes up and asks you,
"Hey Buddy, are you hurt?"

CHO:
Foolish questions, what is there to say?
Foolish questions, you hear 'em every day.

For those of you wondering about additional lyrics, I must tell you my brain is empty. The song is not in the DT (probably a C&W song) and not on COWPIE. I am leaving work and won't be back on the 'Cat until Monday.

Roger in Baltimore


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Peter T.
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 05:07 PM

Hilarious! More!
A student of mine asked last year if the compulsory final exam was optional.
yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Neil Lowe
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 06:18 PM

...only if he had tested out of Semantics 101, it appears....


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 06:52 PM

We perform mostly in schools. One morning, after we had hauled in all of our stuff and set up the sound system, we were sitting on the stage tuning our instruments. A teacher came in and, after watching us for a little while, she asked, "Do you tune those every day?"

We managed to stifle our urge to reply,"Only on the days we want to sound good!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:40 PM

"Have an accident?"

"No thanks, I've already had one."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Pelrad
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:49 PM

This is totally off the topic, but the stupidest question I ever heard was when I worked in a pet store. A woman had come in with her children, and after much deliberation, purchased a little pet and some accessories. About two hours later, she called the shop to ask, "Do hamsters need water?" (Nah, they just suck the moisture out of the wood chips.)

Similarly, I once overheard a woman telling her son that they would get a goldfish because you didn't have to feed them. She left the store with fish, bowl and food, and an education. :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:50 PM

What do you mean by is? --seed


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Banjer
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:52 PM

For every stupid question is of course a swift reply. If you can keep your wits about you it can be a lot of fun. Having lost my balance attempting to carry an awkward load over a pile of material laying in our shop floor and taken what appeared to be a rather nasty fall, I was asked by several would be rescuers, "Are you all right?" My quick reply was "No dammit, I'm half left!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bill\sables
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:56 PM

Not a musical question but some years ago I was an assistant parachute instructor and spent part of the lecture explaining that on the aircraft we were using (a Cessna)we took off the doors before the flight so as to make it easier for exits, One student then asked "If there are no doors on the plane how do we get in?" Later while showing parachute landing falls students were required to twist at their waists so as to land on their five points of contact (feet, calf, thigh, shoulder, shoulder) This same young lady said "If I was supposed to twist like that I would have a thing in the middle for screwing" Cheers Bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Pelrad
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 07:56 PM

As for stupid questions asked of celebrities, I saw an interview with Harrison Ford on the Today Show (or something of that genre) when he was hyping Six Days, Seven Nights. The interviewer asked him if it had been difficult to play a character in love with a woman played by a lesbian. I thought it was a stupid question to be asking a professional actor, particularly when you consider the sexual preferences of much of Hollywood (As if Mr. Ford were the first actor ever to kiss a gay person playing a straight character). Gimme a break!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bill\sables
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 08:21 PM

We get an Irish programme on TV in the UK called The Late Late Show hosted by Gae Burns. On night he was interviewing Ronnie Drew of the Dubliners He asked Ronnie "Tell me mr. Drew are you an alchoholic?"
Ronnie answered "No I'm a heavy drinker"
Gae Burns; "What's the difference between a heavy drinker and an alchoholic then Mr Drew"
Ronnie Drew; "I don't go to the meetings"
Cheers Bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Banjoman_CO
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 08:37 PM

Back when I was playing in coffee houses,one night I was warming up in the back room getting ready to go on. A very pretty young woman walked into the room and asked, "do you play banjo?" I didn't know what to say. Was this an evaluation of my playing or what? Needless to say, I thought about that question all the way through my set. Fred


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 08:42 PM

What is this thread about?

catspaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: annamill
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 08:45 PM

Good one, Catspaw!

L.,A.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Mike Billo
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 09:43 PM

For stupid questions asked of celebrities, and snappy retorts, I've heard a story (that may, or may not, be true)that I love. It goes as follows,

Before JFK was president, he was a Senator from Massachusetts(sp?), one night he and Jackie( who, of course, we remember as a beautiful and very fashion concious woman) were dining in a restaraunt, and Groucho Marx was eating at the next table.

Jackie leaned over and asked, "Pardon me, aren't you Groucho Marx?'

Groucho replied, "I was about to ask you the same question".


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: JedMarum
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 11:29 PM

How about a stupid answer .... I was working a construction job many years ago, building a swimming pool for a woman who seemed to carry the weight of the world on her shoulders. I had tried to be friendly in the few conversations we had, but she didn't seem to respond to normal humor ... so when she offered me a cup of coffee at one point during my visit there, and offered to prepare it for me, I thought I had my chance. "How do you take your coffee," she asked.

"Orally," was my simple rely.

"No," she deadpanned, humorlessly, "I mean what do you put in it?"

My best and brilliant, if impromptu commentary had fallen on comic-deaf ears! I must admit, I enjoyed a quiet lonely laugh over my own retort ... but otherwise, have I been forced to save the story for y'all many years later ... in case there's a chuckle or two left in it!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 27 Aug 99 - 11:56 PM

I know that Banj can probably relate better to some of these, but anyone who repairs anything gets some well meant, but sorta' sillyass questions!!! Before returning to my younger days, most of my life was spent in the auto repair business; either doing it or selling the equipment used in garages. Don't ask how a guy with a BA in Philosophy spends a career in the automotive repair business...... Anyway, people can ask the best intentioned questions which come off as absolutely stupid to the guy (me) at the other end. When asked in an innocent manner, Denny and I always did our best to be courteous and explanatory..............HOWEVER--it seems to be un-American for a male NOT to know all about cars and these guys drive you nuts. These are some questions with answers that were used more than once in our shop. Pardon the language, but being "phonographically" accurate adds the true flavor of sarcasm (like Rick, I have a low stupidity boiling point.

What do you think's wrong?
I think it's broke, whaddayou think?

What's it gonna' cost?
Probably about a buck two ninety eight give or take.

Can you fix it?
Your car? Hell no, we got a couple hundred thousand invested in this place so we can fix TV's.

Can you fix it here?
Well either here or up on the roof if it don't rain.

It won't "turn over."
Oh....Does it normally do tricks?

Here's a common one from MR.SHADETREE:
I can't get it figured out, think you can just take a quick look at it?
Sure, no problem. Yep, looks kinda' like a car.

No, I mean whadaya think's wrong?
Well, the first problem is that you been fuckin' with it.

Whaddaya mean?
I mean it'd have been a helluvalot easier to figure out if you hadn't fucked with it.

Well do you think it will take long?
A lot longer than it would've if you hadn't fucked with it.

Well whaddaya think you can do for me?
(Glancing out at what was once perhaps a car, but now looks like something out of "Mad Max")I could jack up your radiator cap and slide a new car underneath it.

I gotta' stop.........There are a hundred of these, and oddly enough, these jackasses were rarely insulted. I quit trying years ago to bullshit "specialists." If I can't do the job, I call a reputable service person and say....."Just fix it."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 12:22 AM

Catspaw, are you trying to be funny? --seed


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 12:47 AM

Using best Italian-American voice inflection, Catspaw responds:

"Noooo--I wuz fockin' tryin' ta evacuate my fockin' bladder, but I couldn't find your banjo, ya fockin' douchebag."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 01:14 AM

Geez seed, I just had to come back here a minute. Growing up in a heavily Ital/Amer community, I always loved that kind of humor. It seemed like every guy my Dad knew was constantly on the lookout for ANYTHING that sounded the least bit stupid, even good questions were fair game!!! Then the "Nooo--I wuz......." part and it was never the same (or so it seemed to me), always included some genital/sexual reference, and the word "fockin'" two or three times as a kind of "punctuation."

Consequently, the word "Fockin'" was a significant part of my vocabulary for most of my adult life.......and to a small (very small) extent, it still is. But at a late age, I became a Dad...................SOOOO......we're having supper one evening and one of our foster girls, about 6 at the time was acting like a complete goof. My son Michael, then age three, turned and stared at Britt for a few seconds, and then said, "FOCKin' ASShole" in a voice I knew I'd heard "somewhere" before. Karen gave me a look that would have killed a normal man, but I had already fallen off the chair laughing. Mom had a talk with Dad and Dad had a talk with son and things improved.......some. A month ago, when I met Mudcatter Cara from DC who was home in Ohio visiting parents, my same darling son voluteered, completely out of the blue, "My Dad made an Easter Egg that said 'BITE ME' on it."

This will give you some idea what it's like to grow up in this house.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 02:04 AM

Not so stupid, I suppose, but pretty naive: A young reporter from a paper in Pittsfield, Mass, was interviewing my wife and me for a story on Folk-Legacy. I had explained that we were able to start the company because Lee Haggerty, our partner in the enterprise, had a small inheritance that he was willing to invest (read: throw away on folk foolishness). I, on the other hand, had some experience collecting folklore in the field and running tape recorders. Fair enough, says I, we pooled his resources and began producing records. The young reporter then says, "Did you call the company Folk-Legacy because you had the folk and he had the legacy?" I'd have thought that was clever, except he wasn't making a joke; he was dead serious.

A few years ago, Caroline and I spent a week at an "arts conference" on Star Island put on by the Unitarians. We sang traditional songs, ballads, new songs that reflect the styles of the old, etc., for about five hours a day for five days (proudly repeating none except when there was a request). After all this, and some background talk about our sources, the elderly lady who played "pop" piano before the dinner hour asked, "Don't you know any real songs?" I didn't offer to croon "Red Sails in the Sunset" for her, but I imagine she would have liked it. (Art's version: Red snails in my sunsuit...)

Sandy


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 05:54 AM

Attended a series of workshops on "Newfoundland traditions" given by superb musicians Christina Smith & Jean Hewson (there, that takes care of the folk tie-in). They tell the story of Joey Smallwood: in the days before he became a politician and Premier of the province, he was a journalist sent out on one assignment to interview a lady on the occasion of her hundredth birthday. The interview contained this gem; not necessarily a stupid question, but certainly one too many:

JS: "And you say you've never been sick a day in your life?"

Lady: "That's right."

JS: "You mean to tell me you've never been bedridden?"

Lady (looking surprised for a moment): "Oh yes. Thousands of times. And once in a dory."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 08:16 AM

'Spaw reminded me of a STUPID question I heard just the other day. Unfortunately it didn't come from a customer but from one of our employees just recently hired from another parts house claiming to be 'real good'. This guy is about 30 years of age. He asked a customer if he could help him. I recognized the customer as one who does a lot of restoration work on older cars. When the customer asked if he could get shock absorbers for a '52 Hudson, the stupid employee paused for a minute and then asked, "Is that a Chevrolet or a Ford?" Honest, this guy is dumber than a box of rocks!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 09:07 AM

'Spaw,

You wrote: "Don't ask how a guy with a BA in Philosophy spends a career in the automotive repair business...... ".

I had no need to ask that. Mostly, I was surprised they were employed at all in a job that doesn't require them to ask "Do you want fries with that?"

Big RiB (who sometimes cannot resist a jibe)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 09:14 AM

Hey General.........You might try this, worked with similar types we had out at our station. Put a tag on a key IDing it as "Vapor Lock"........Then hang it up somewhere and have him go get it. You get to screw with him either way. If he doesn't know...then it's just the old joke. But if he suspects he's being put on but gets the key, you can give him exasperated looks when he asks, "This is some kinda' joke isn't it?" If he refuses to get the key, you can get it yourself, show him, and then chastise his ass for being so "stupid." Like. "What the hell's your problem? I thought you knew something?"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 09:20 AM

You know those folks at Mickey D's really piss me off RiB. I showed them that degree and they wouldn't even give me the Fries job!!! But on the other hand they said that my coffee would only be 89 cents.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jeri
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 09:22 AM

As a newbie in the Air Force, I was always waiting for my supervisor to ask me to get some 'flight line.' I would have fetched them a kite, come back and said, "They don't sell the line separately. Do you wanna go fly it now?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From:
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 09:37 AM

...touring a zoo with my son's young friends and some other folk (!) one young man about six,saw a huge king snake and asked the zookeeper "Can he tie himself in a knot?" harpy


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: WyoWoman
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 10:51 AM

I'm printing this out and giving it to all my reporters for advice on how NOT to interview, and how we of the "media" look when we haven't had the smarts or the commitment to do our homework.

Great thread.

WyoWoman


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 10:55 AM

Responding to a DAR type discussing her glorious ancestry, Kendall Morse observed, "Well, none of my ancestors came over on the Mayflower, but I had an aunt come across in a canoe once." (See "Newfoundland Traditions, above, from Jeremiah McCaw.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Alice
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 11:18 AM

A friend of mine who is an opera singer and whose late husband was an Italian tenor used to perform duets quite a bit with her husband. At one performance, an audience member asked if they did requests and if they would sing the sextet from an opera. She looked at her husband, he looked at her, and then he leaned over to her and said, well you know the soprano part, I'll fake the other five. He also used to make up lyrics in Italian when he knew the audience had no clue what he was saying, and she would almost crack up laughing at the hilarious things he would come up with while they were singing.
This same friend works for a few hours a week at a Rest Home. The elderly who live there are far more sophisticated than the staff. One clueless staff member was told that my friend has had a career in opera. The person said to my friend, I hear you sing opera. Maybe you could do 'your little act' for us sometime.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: JedMarum
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 11:43 AM

I have to admit, the stupiest questions of all time sometimes come out of my mouth!

When I was in my late teens, my girlfriend (now wife, thankfully) owned a '62 Plymouth Valiant ... a cool little V6 with a push button automatic transmission. I had managed to break the driver's side wing vent window, during the first year she owned it ... so we went off in search of a replacement. I stopped in junk yard after junk yard asking for a wing vent for her car - with no luck, until we finally found a place that specialized in used Plymouths (they bought and resold old phone company cars). When I walked up to the spare parts manager and asked, "Do you have any wings for a '62 Valiant?" I thought the guy was going to bust a gut laughing! "Hey Bob," he shouted into the back room, laughing all the time, "You gotta hear this!" Then turning to me, still laughing and wiping away the tears he said, "Go ahead, kid, ask Bob what you just asked me."

Needless to say, by the time Bob came out of the back room I had figured out what was so funny, so Bob never got to hear the joke - from me that is.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: annamill
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 12:09 PM

'spaw, I am LMAO over your comment "I could jack up your radiator cap and slide a new car underneath it.". That's great. I know several mechs that will love it.

As for"Don't ask how a guy with a BA in Philosophy spends a career in the automotive repair business...... ".

What else would you do?? ;-) **BG**

Love, annap


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bob schwarer
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 01:47 PM

First guy goes into a lumber yard and asks for a 2x4.
Second guy says "how long do you want it"?
First guy says, "probably forever".

Bob S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 07:08 PM

Thanks annap, but my guess is, they probably already know it. It's an old "inside" line. And I was happy in that industry, but never happier than when Denny and I had the shop. Most friends never do well in business together, but he was a special man and the relationship was special. When he died last November, a part of me went too. He had also gone on to other things in the business, but we talked often about the shop and longed for those days that we knew would not return. We were both lucky men to have had those wonderful times and my thoughts of him encompass only the best of what humanity and friendship can mean.

And now, back to the thread...............

A few weeks back, we stop at Ponderosa for supper. I asked the teenage girl behind the counter for some cream for my coffee. This turned out to be a stupid question. I had looked in the stainless bin thingy and all there was left was the ice to cool the little creamer containers. She stared down at the empty bin like it had just been deposited there by aliens. Since she wasn't moving, I thought I should elaborate........a real mistake. I said, "You know, that bin there with the ice...It holds the milk, the ice keeps it cool...........It's empty." She stares at me as though I am the alien and still doesn't move. Okay, I keep trying. "You know, cream? Milk? To put in my coffee. The milk goes in there and I get some to put into my coffee???" Suddenly it seems to dawn on her and she says she'll be right back. I turned to Karen, who's a bit incredulous herself, and make disparaging comments about the girl. Karen is chastising me for being a curmudgeon when Miss Ditz returns with an open pint of milk. I'm thinking, "Okay, so they're out of creamer," and reach to take it from her when...........have you got it figured out?................yeah, that's right,....she pours it into the bin with the half-melted ice! There is a 2 second pause before Karen and I look at each other and then are convulsed in laughter. It's so bad, that it takes a minute or so to get out, "Can I see the manager a minute?" Manager arrives and I, choking with laughter, try my best to tell the tale. He finally looks down and sees the bin, full of watery, icey milk and stares at Miss Ditz, then back at the bin, and after his own "pregnant pause," starts laughing himself. Nice fella'.......gave us a 25% discount saying the laugh was worth it.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 07:08 PM

"As for"Don't ask how a guy with a BA in Philosophy spends a career in the automotive repair business...... ".

" What else would you do?? ;-) **BG**"

well, you would work in a salvage yard, or count beans, or work in a bookstore, or become a computer 'analyst', or build cabinets, or turn wood into art/craft objects..(that sort of covers the last 20-25 years..*VERY big grin*)....I got MY BA in Philosophy in 1969, and 30-40 graduate hours and ¼ of a masters thesis on Alfred North Whitehead before I realized they didn't need WANT any more Philosophers!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 07:50 PM

Yeah Wild Bill, I've also taught school, worked part time in a music store, sold tons of crappola for 2 auto equiment companies and a parts manufacturer, built dulcimers, repaired guitars and other string things, done some foster parent stuff and training things for prospective adoptive/foster parents...........but the BEST thing I did was marry Karen............and without her, there would have been no Tristan or Michael. Interesting thing on Whitehead.......It scares me when I think of some of OUR similarities, you and me. I need to go take some Zoloft.............**DOUBLE SIZE GRIN**

I think my favorite guy, as I've said before, was the great "Stand Up Philosopher" ....Lenny Bruce. Kinda' summed it all up for me with:

"There is only what is; what should be never existed."

Looking to October with enthusiastic trepidation.(:+}

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 07:52 PM

Yeah Wild Bill, I've also taught school, worked part time in a music store, sold tons of crappola for 2 auto equiment companies and a parts manufacturer, built dulcimers, repaired guitars and other string things, done some foster parent stuff and training things for prospective adoptive/foster parents...........but the BEST thing I did was marry Karen............and without her, there would have been no Tristan or Michael. Interesting thing on Whitehead.......It scares me when I think of some of OUR similarities, you and me. I need to go take some Zoloft.............**DOUBLE SIZE GRIN**

I think my favorite guy, as I've said before, was the great "Stand Up Philosopher" ....Lenny Bruce. Kinda' summed it all up for me with:

"There is only what is; what should be never existed."

Looking to October with enthusiastic trepidation.(:+}

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jen
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 08:55 PM

LOL, catspaw. That's a good ponderosa story. I'll have to share that one with my family.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: snookadive
Date: 28 Aug 99 - 10:19 PM

Way ,way back in high school we were discussing curren t affairs in my history class and my teacher asked if anyone knew what the price of the pound was. I brilliantly answered that it was about $2.40 and the all-met football lineman sitting behind me inquired "Hey Dave, $2.40 a pound for what?"

On a distantly related topic, "Best straight line you ever lucked into on a first date" , when my lady friend and I were seated in a restaurant last Saturday night the hostess told us that our servers' name was Summer and she'd be right with us . Five minutes passed and the hostess returned and asked if Summer had been with us yet . I responded,"No but if she doesn't get here soon her name will propbably change to autumn.". Watching all those You Bet Your Life reruns finally paid off. Did I get lucky due to that snappy rejoinder. A gentlemen never tells and neither do I. Regards , Snookadive


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: campfire
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 12:16 AM

I'm sure I'm not the only one this happens to, but:

I work at the Milwaukee Zoo. I wear a uniform that has printed, in letters 2 inches tall, on the left breast "Milwaukee County Zoo". I wear a windbreaker with "ZOO" in letters 9 inches tall on the back. I usually wear knee high rubber boots, and more often than not have that "animal aura" about me. And how often do you suppose I get asked: "Do you work here?"

No, I'm making a fashion statement!

campfire


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: O'Boyle
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 02:52 AM

I worked at an amusement park at the tour booth. About 25 times a day someone would ask, "how long is the 90 minute tour?" My answer was always, "About an hour and a half." Most of the people did not get the joke and wnet on their way. I didn't last long there.

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bob schwarer
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 07:02 AM

At the old work place we had a daily 2 o'clock meeting which was apt to be changed for any number of "reasons".
Standing gag line: "When is the 2 o'clock meeting"?

Bob S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 10:46 AM

when I was in high school, I played in the band...and because the marching band had early morning rehersal in the fall, band class was always first hour of the day so we could have up to 2 hours and not be late to other classes....well, the rest of the year, the band room, with all the expensive stuff, was always locked until someone with the key arrived...often just minutes before class..so, the first person to arrive would go to the door and try the knob............then #2 would arrive and ask, "is the room open?"...#1 would answer, "no, no one is here yet"...whereupon, # 2 would go to the door and try the knob...#3 would arrive and ask.."is the room open?"...#1 & #2 would reply, "no...still locked.." and # 3 would go to the door and try the knob.....well, you get the picture...sort of like a bench with a "wet paint" sign, only more so...you wonder what person 9 or 10 was thinking when they arrived to find people standing in the hall, arms full of boooks and musical instruments....and STILL asked "is the door open?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 10:59 AM

just remembered!...though YOU may decide whether the question was stupid...or the questionee..*grin*

years ago, I had just returned to Wichita Kans from my first foray to Wash DC, and I had acquired a bumper sticker reading.."Take an AUTOHARP player to dinner"...which I put on my 'harp case.

One day, I was sitting in the park, waiting my turn to play in the local pick-up volleyball game and playing tunes, the case in front of me...up rides a pleasant young coed on a bicycle...stops in front of me...looks at me, the 'harp, the case...and as I finish the tune I was playing, asks..."What do you eat?"

It took me a long few moments to connect the question to the bumper sticker, and to this day, I have NO idea what I answered!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jeri
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 12:19 PM

Bill D, if you didn't get invited to dinner, you probably gave the wrong answer!

Re the doorknob testing - I have arrived at a meeting to find a bunch of other attendees standing outside. "We're waiting for someone to bring the key." I turned the knob and opened the door for them. (The room was normally kept locked.)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: WyoWoman
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 01:07 PM

Campfire -- funny, I wear the same outfit, only I'm a journalist. Not a discernible difference between your place and mine ...

WW


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 08:08 PM

When I volunteered at a wildlife re-hab facility, following the complete screaming, flapping snit of a red-tailed hawk who took a couple minutes of handling to calm down, a visitor asked "Is he real?"

As I stood on the sidewalk outside of a burning building in helmet, gloves, coat, boots, covered in soot and replacing my air bottle with a new one, a bystander asked, "Are you a policeman?" "No sir, they are the ones who are still clean"

My favorite, which I have heard at shootings, plane crashes, smoke scares, medical emergencies, auto accidents and suicides: "What happened?" As there are no train tracks in my district I now give the same answer every time. "Locomotive derailed."

E.S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bill D
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM

An old friend of mine was a policeman for awhile...one day he was directing traffic...when he walked over to the curb during a light change, a small boy looked at him and asked.."What are you doing?"...my friend answered, with tongue in cheek.."I'm sitting on the curb, sewing buttons on a cake of soap. What are you doing?"

without missing a beat, the kid replied.."I'm sitting there with you, helping."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Aug 99 - 09:49 PM

My husband is a piper. After a particularly smoky night in a bar his kilt and sporran stank so next morning I hung them on the line to air out. One of my sons friends came home with him after school. He took one long, startled look at the sporran hanging there and asked, "Do you have a pet?" I smiled sweetly, answered "No dear" walked inside and howled with laughter. I wish I knew exactly what he was thinking.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Andres Magre
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 02:20 AM

In this world of globalization, employees are carefully trained to ask stupid questions to people. This is a kind of dramatization of what the employee asks, what the customer replies, and (in parenthesis) what the customer really thinks: E : Hi!
C : Hi
(Don't you know to say Good Evening?)
C : One medium Combo #3, with Coke (I'm anticipating to
questions, eh? ha! nothing left to doubt !)
E : With Coke ?
C : Yes
(Are you deaf ? or just silly ?)
E : Do you want to enlarge your meal for 50 cents more ?
C : No, nothing else
(If I wanted, I would have told you, stupid, because
the size is clearly announced in all signs, and I told
you MEDIUM ! AAARRGGHHHH!!)
E: Do you want some desert, a chocolate sundae ?
C: No, thanks
(JUST GIMME THAT S**T OR I'LL KILL YOU NOW!)
E: For here, or to carry ?
C: For here
(NOOOO, NOOO !!! IT'S ONLY TO SLAM IT ON YOUR HEAD!)
E: It's $4.50
C: ...
(and my time is $40.85)
E: Your change is $5.50 Sir, wait a minute
Here comes an interludio, during which the customer can listen to a similar dialog with the next two persons in the line, and try to calm down. E: Your Combo #3 medium with Coke, Sir. Do you want ketchup for your fries ?
C: No, grmpff
(YES, AND SOME CHOCOLATE FOR MY BEEF, AND A BIT OF
AMMUNITION FOR MY MAGNUM - BAANG!! BAANG !! BAAANG!!!)

More seriously, I think that modern managers hold long and expensive meetings to discuss and find the most stupid words to deal with customers, because they beleive that we, the public, are all morons and like to be treated like morons, we always ask for what we don't want, never know the price of things, never read signs, always pour down our meals, always suffer accidents at their stores, always forget important details, and always build up a discussion about our change. I propose them to be condemned to 20 years of forced repetition of their stupid dialogs. It would be justice.

Best regards - escamillo@ciudad.com.ar


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Andres Magre
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:08 AM

aahh.. did I separate those lines correctly using the line breaks ? Thanks


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Den
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:17 AM

Can you sing the Maple Leaf Forever?
No after four hours I get tired.

I know Ireland is a small country but in a number of Irish clubs I've played in Canada I'm asked so your from Ireland do you know the Murphys from Dublin? I always say yes, I know everyone in Ireland and then make up really awful stories.

Half way through one of his concerts a large woman stood up and asked Laim Og O Flynn if he could play anything Irish.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:25 AM

A few years ago I was playing in a session and we were surprised to receive a request for "Varnish Me Foreskin" from a rather inebriated punter...it took a few minutes to work out that he wanted "Banish Misfortune" and a few minutes more before we could actually play it!

mcmoo


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Peter T.
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:26 AM

I am still getting out of traction from: "If there are no doors on the plane, how do we get in?" -- it is going to take me weeks to survive this thread.
yours, Peter T.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 12:06 PM

It'll give you plenty of time to make heron outfits.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: annamill
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:21 PM

I have one pet peeve about this question. When I'm doing something totally obvious, like washing dishes, or watching TV, or making a bed, or sweeping the floor the question "What are you doing?" always results with the answer "Picking strawberries". People who know me well have come to expect the answer and just say "oh", others are usually nonplussed(I love this word).

Love, annap


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:32 PM

I was in Wal-Mart yesterday and I asked if they had any recordable mini-discs.
The 'Stupid Answer' I got was "No, but we have the rewritable CDs" So I just said "Yeah, but THEY won't fit in my mini-disc recorder"

Bert.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM

When I built theatrical scenery for a living, the frequent question was "Is it going to look like that?" "Well no, that's why I'm still working on it."

"What are you doing?" was always met with the standard scene shop response:

"Building a rudder for a duck's ass."

E.S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Margo
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 02:14 PM

Jeramiah, that is too funny! And once in a dory.

Rick, If someone asked me how long the 90 minute tour was I'd be tempted to answer, "That depends on who is buried in Grant's tomb!"

McMoo: LMAO! You could tell him that viagra would be easier!!!!

Oh you guys, I almost got fired for a retort of mine to an irritating customer at the cafe where I waitressed. He was being a general smart ass the whole time. When I walked by with a family's meals,plates up and down both arms, he yelled out, "Hey, you gotta match?" Without missing a beat I quipped, "Yeah, my dog and your face". I don't know why I wasn't fired that day.

Another time, a fellow with three ladies came in. Looked like wife, sister, and mother in law. The meal being done, I cleared the table and came back with the coffee pot. When I asked if they'd like more coffee, he said "Oh, just a swallow." I, without thinking, said "Well, how big is your mouth?" The women all busted up laughing, but he sat fuming. I wished the earth would have swallowed me in that moment.

McMoo, I can't get over that "Varnish me Foreskin". LMAO!

Margarita


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:12 PM

Such a small world! Margarita once waited on Catspaw's table!

Big RiB


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:17 PM

I know it sounds like him butit couldn't have been OUR 'Spaw - He'd have rolled up laughing if he'd received such banter from a waitress.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM

Many years ago, my good friend Gordon Bok did a concert in Camden Maine, and, as we were leaving, an elderly lady said to him"You have a lovely voice, you really should do someting with it." When I was in the US Fish & Wildlife service checking catches on a Portland dock, a tourist was interested in the goings on, and he asked me "How far off shore do they have to go to catch Finnan Haddie?" honest.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:37 PM

A very mediocre Denver Broncos center was taking listener questions on a local talk show. One caller says " Tom, I wonder if you can tell me what size shoe Howie Long wears?( Howie being the All-Pro Oakland Raiders linebacker)." Tom replies "I wouldn't have a clue." The listener responds " why don't you just measure the imprint in the middle of your chest." Maybe not such a stupid question after all.

Once a business associate and I were checking out of a hotel. We were halfway to the car with our bags when the desk clerk came running up with my friends American Express card, exclaiming "Hey! You forgot this!" As my friend reaches out to take it, the guy pulls it away and says "sorry. I'll have to see some I.D. first."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 05:06 PM

OK! OK! Seeing as we're talking about stupid questions ....I'll ask it....

Sophocleese - Are you married to John Cleese?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: sophocleese
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:17 PM

Gee, I don't know Bert. Does he pipe?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Margo
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:25 PM

You don't know whether or not you're married to someone??? I think there is a room reserved for you at the Niel Young Center......

:0o


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: sophocleese
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 08:27 PM

Oh Goody!! Is it BYOB?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Banjer
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM

Yes it is, that is of course if you're saying 'Bring Your Own Bed'

Catspaw could tell you more about that. When he was in the hospital and moved out of ICU it was reported that he had been put on the floor. I bet he wished he had brought his own bed!


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bbc
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:57 PM

In my case, I was the one who asked the most stupid question, but we've always enjoyed the answer. I was at a big mall, shopping w/ my best friend. As we walked toward the door of a large store, preparing to leave, & were trying to figure out the location of my car, I turned to my friend and asked, "Where am I?" A child who was playing nearby overheard me & volunteered the helpful information, "You're in Sears, lady!" We have chuckled over it many times through the years. How often we express ourselves imprecisely!

bbc


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 10:22 PM

You're right about the waitresses Bert.....or waiters. I tip based on sense of humor and personality and not on service.........I know, A)You're surprised I tip at all; B)No I don't give tips like "Avoid the Clap" or "Don't play the ponies";C)Yes, I'm aware that tipping for laughs isn't really the way to do it............Now all that said, I do love those people who will joke right back atcha'!!! My favorite "gauge" comes from a line used repeatedly by Elwood Dowd in "Harvey." When the waitress asks, "Can I get you anything else?" my question back is, "What did you have in mind?" The real players are great, the dimbulbs stare.........Such is life and the "Catspaw Tipping Method"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:27 PM

When I was working as the resident folksinger on a couple of excursion steamboats on the Mississippi River, a newly boarded passenger came up to me and asked, seriously, "What river is this???"-----I mean, she and her husband had to have long-standing reservations for this trip. They had to drive several hundred miles to get to the boarding town in Iowa. But she had no clue what they were doing there. I was pretty amazed.

Art


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:53 PM

Art, you reminded me of another one. I once made a whitewater canoe trip down the Rockcastle River in Southern Kentucky with my friends Dennis, Bob, and Bob's girlfriend Marti. We rented canoes from a company that insisted on "experienced whitewater canoeists ONLY", although Marti had never been in a canoe in her life. We rode to the put-in with the Canoe rental guy, and assured him that all four of us were seasoned rapids-runners. We loaded up just above the first rapids,were wished good luck by the rental man, and had pushed out from the bank when Marti turns to Bob and says " Which way do we go?" Dennis and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Joe Offer
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:46 AM

A long, long time ago, we had a thread on the song called

Foolish Questions

Good song.
-Joe Offer-


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bob schwarer
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 07:29 AM

"You need to back up your hard drive"
"How do I put it in reverse"?

Bob S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 09:50 AM

So it's a pleasant summer afternoon and I've had to run out to our freeway station to fix a stranded traveller's car. Before going back to the shop, I'm having a coke and BSing with a couple of our gasjocks out front. Remember those days? Complete underhood check, clean windshield and rear window, and you sat in your car and didn't have to do a thing, all for about 35 cents a gallon! Anyway, a new Buick deuce and a quarter drives in and the guy gets out dressed in expensive sports clothes, the woman waits in the car. He looks distastefully at us and asks,

"How much farther is it to St. Louis?"

This wasn't really a stupid question, but one we didn't hear often since we were on the far east side of Columbus, Ohio. I'd just been out that way a little before, so I answered, "Oh, I'd say it's about 500 miles or thereabouts." Stanley Snappy looks at me like I'm an idiot and quite nastily says, "That's ridiculous." I'm immediately pissed, but keep it "quiet." Stanley continues, "It can't be that far!" The rest of the conversation was close to this:

ME: Well, I dunno', it's something like that.
SS: Can't be. Can't be that far.
ME: OK, so it's 475.
SS: That's ridiculous.
ME: Look man, I just drove through St. Louis last month and it's 500 miles from HERE.
SS: It can't be.
ME: Alright, I give up.....How far should it be?
SS: It can't be more than a hundred miles. We left home at 11 this morning.
ME: Really? Well, uh......Where's home?
SS: Kokomo.
ME: As in Indiana? (Gasjocks are cracking up)
SS: Of course!
ME: Well this would be Columbus as in Ohio......of course.
SS: (Just stares---Still doesn't get it, looks at the laughing gasjocks)
ME: Well lookit here sport, I'd say you took a wrong turn in Indy.
SS: What do you mean?
ME: I guess I mean you fucked up. This is OHIO!!!
SS: Huh?
ME: Jesus Jack, you've been driving the wrong fuckin' way for 3 hours.
SS: I have?
ME: Hey, no shit!
SS: Oh God, now what am I gonna' do?
ME: Personally I'd head back WEST on 70, but that'd just be me.
SS: Yeah...No, that's not what I meant. I mean what am I going to tell my wife.

.......and for the first time, I actually empathized with this idiot. His personality had changed about 180 degrees in 10 seconds and I had a feeling it was going to be a REAL LONG DRIVE to St. Louis. As they drove out, we watched to see if they got on 70 West...they did. Dan turned to me and said, "He must have borrowed the car." I asked why he thought so. "Anybody that dumb couldn't have a job to pay for it." He was probably right.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:03 AM

A young woman bought an old Jaguar to be different. First trip out it died on the road. Really pissed, she called the dealer. Out came a mechanic. While he was fixing it, she took a walk. Short time later it was purring like a kitten, she asks, "What was wrong with it?" "oh, just shit in the carburetor." "Well, damn.. how often do I have to do that?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:11 AM

A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:12 AM

A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Peter T.
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:16 AM

Spaw, hilarious, at least as funny as heron jokes!!yours, Peter T. (p.s. Did you have a neat mechanics uniform and everything?)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:19 AM

neat? 'Spaw???


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:41 AM

IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP : Do not read 'spaw's posting while drinking your morning coffee, as this could lead to burns in the hypopharynx and nares as you do the nose trick with the A.M. french roast. LMAO. I'm with Peter T. here, I want to know about the uniform. I can imagine an overseas cap, bow tie, striped short-sleeve shirt, Snap-on Tools pocket protector with tire gauge and two ball points, belt buckle worn to the side so as not to scratch the fender, pressed pants of a dark-don't-show-the-smudges-color, and stout shoes. Uh, wait a minute, that's about what I'm wearing at work today. 'spaw, you got any pictures? E.S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Margo
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM

Dave's advice is sound. With each outburst of laughter this morning, my daughter came and looked curiously in my face, echoing hehe. Funny girl.

That story by Kendall was something that actually happened to some friends of mine. They were coming into Kissamee Florida and wondering how to pronounce it. They stopped off to eat, and asked the kid behind the counter to pronounce clearly and slowly the place they were in, and the kid said Bur-ger Kiiinngg. They still laugh about it to this day.

My dad asked a waitress while ordering breakfast what was the difference between Canadian bacon and ham. The waitress said that there really wasn't any difference, but that's what they call it in Canada. Hmmmmmm. We thought that was pretty funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:42 PM

Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry.

We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words but it's better using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:51 PM

Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry.

We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words, but it's better than using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my fuckin' dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM

Seeing as we're (well I am anyway) including funny answers. We were shopping in a supermarket in Huntsville Alabama and I asked the girl "Do you have any imported Romano Cheese?"

She says "This is imported"

I pointed out that the label said "Product of USA"

She replied "Well we get it from Atlanta"

Bert.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: kendall morse (don't use)
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:44 PM

I got that story from Gordon Bok's brother Tony, so, cant vouch for its authenticity


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: catspaw49
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:53 PM

No comment Bert

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Dave Swan
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:09 PM

Thanks 'spaw, I mean really, thanks. Don't know how many nose tricks the ol' sinuses can take in one day. Laughing like hell myself. E.S.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:11 PM

A couple were arguing about the pronunciation of the word "Hawaii" while on a flight to Honolulu. He insisted it was pronounced "Ha-VAH-ee" and she was just as sure it was "Ha-WAH-ee". He finally turns to the man in the seat across the aisle, saying "excuse me, sir, but how do you pronounce H-a-w-a-i-i ?" The man smiles and responds "Ha-VAH-ee". The man grins and says "Ah-HA! I thought so! Thanks!"

"You're velcome," the man says.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Marion
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:16 PM

My friend used to be a tour guide at some place in Toronto. An American visitor once asked her, "Are you close to England up here? I kept seeing signs for London."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: MMario
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:26 PM

There is a boxed in spring near my parents house, where many of the local cottagers fill water jugs.
Part of the spring is piped up to form a water fountain/ bubbler for drinking. A very "typical tourist" question was "How do you shut it off?"

Not a question, but again, tourists near my parents home, and I remember clearly trying to choke back laughter as the adults patiently explained to their children about the "Daddy Swans, Mommy swans and baby swans" as they pointed to the swans, white geese and white ducks.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: KathWestra
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM

This one's true. About 15 years ago, my ex-hubby, Joe Hickerson, was doing a concert on the Music Pier in Ocean City, New Jersey, with David Jones and Ed Trickett. The audience was mostly elderly. The guys had just paused after doing their third or fourth song when a voice piped up from somewhere in the audience: "When's the music going to start?" Stupid question, for sure, but one that's been good for years of laughs.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: MMario
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 04:45 PM

Have been expecting this one to crop up:

Can someone tell me the lyrics, tune and chords for this song I heard the other day on the radio, I can't remember what show or station and I'm not sure if it was a guy or a girl singing it, but I think there was a guitar in the background?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: SandyBob
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:09 PM

Groucho Marx and his brothers were playing the vaudeville circuit and were invited to come to the house of a local dignitary for dinner. The dignitary had several beautiful daughters. The Marx boys showed up several hours early and were enjoying the rather intimate affections of the daughters when the girl's parents arrived and found them. As Groucho climbed out a window to get away from the irate father he asked him, "this doesn't affect our dinner plans does it?"

Sandy Bob


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bill D
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:44 PM

for hours of reading about stupid questions in the computer-tech realm....try these...some TOTALLY amazing questions and comments!

http://www.auricular.com/TST//a>

http://www.ecis.com/~weasel/support/techsup.html

http://www.technogirl.net/


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Jen
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 05:55 PM

LOL. I'm glad I read these at work and not at home(there would have been tea all over my monitor at home...)

Jen


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: MK
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 07:37 PM

A man is sitting in his seat on an airplane as passengers continue boarding. He happens to notice an extremely attractive, exquisitely dressed, buxom female walk down the isle toward him, and low and behold she takes the seat next to him.

Scarcely able to control his excitement and nervousness, he decides to strike up a conversation with here.

''Business or pleasure?'' he asks.

She glances over at him non-chalantly and says ''Oh, business. I'm attending the annual nymphomaniacs convention in Chicago.''

The man swallows hard, and wipes his increasingly sweaty palms on his pants, and comments ''So what is YOUR role at this convention?''

She says, ''Well, I am one of several keynote speakers, and I will be debunking several common misconceptions about sexuality.''

''And what misconceptions are those?'' he asks.

''Well'' she says, ''the first is that a lot of people think the African American male is the most well-endowed when in actuality, it is the Native American Indian.

And another common misconception is that a lot of people think that Italian men are the best lovers when actually it is the Jewish male.'' She then stops suddenly, and blushes. ''This is really embarrassing. I shouldn't be telling you this. I don't even know your name!''

The man extends his hand and says ''Allow me to introduce myself. The name is Tonto. Tonto Goldstein!''


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:09 PM

Kendall,

Sure is good to see you here. These are good folks. But I have a question for ya!

Why is it that there are no tunes on any of the tracks on one of the two Folk Legacy LP you did??? (I asked a stupid question... Now the ball's in your court.) ;-)

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Alice
Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:42 PM

Some of you may have already heard this joke...

---

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa.' Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, 'Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!' figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer!?' Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 01 Sep 99 - 12:49 PM

I used to have a lovely 1968 camper van. There was a problem with one of the 'bits', and I phoned round a large number of classics part suppliers asking whether they could supply me with a 'waggly stick for a BMC J4'. They were very nice to me considering....

Kris (it was the indicator stick thingy, and it had nasty acrid smoke coming out of it - I'm just a girlie and I don't know technical terms).


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 01 Sep 99 - 12:52 PM

Oh God! I've just remembered an even more recent transgression. I was buying a plectrum in the local music shop, and asked the poor man 'What's the difference between a hard one and a soft one?'. Trapdoor NOW!!!!!

Kris


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: BILL MCGOWAN
Date: 01 Sep 99 - 05:37 PM

IS THAT THE PHONE?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From:
Date: 10 Sep 99 - 02:39 PM

kdfjktdgftihgmgo ]m.n'h'd n..hdhy=-,,,,,,,,,,,,,po;,p=r\,o-yr0\,rhjnmk, k kr,95w5ogr-plglpyomnk,bm,onphyl\[jlj k plp[\ llp\lk -


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Bert
Date: 10 Sep 99 - 03:03 PM

Hi anon! that would have been funny if you'd ended it with a ?


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: bill\sables
Date: 10 Sep 99 - 09:11 PM

While at a music stand in Whitby Folk festival last year a young boy came up to us and asked if we had any melodeon strings I said we had just run out but to go to another stand. Cheers Bill


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: wildlone
Date: 10 Sep 99 - 11:32 PM

I once watched an interview with Ginger Baker on TV,when he was asked"Ginger how do you play all these drums".He looked at his usual large kit and said "I hit em,with these."Holding up drumsticks the inerview seemed to fall apart after that.WL.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Escamillo
Date: 11 Sep 99 - 05:51 AM

This is also true: My friend Jorge, director of the choral ensemble of the Collegium Musicum (traditional school in Buenos Aires) gave a concert with his group at a small town school. Finalized the performance, the maintenance man approaches him, and asks:
- Maestro, didn't you bring any guitar, or accordion ?
- No, the choir sings a cappella, that is, with no instruments.
- Oh, that's a pity, cause these people like music so much !

Andrés Magré - escamillo@ciudad.com.ar


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: poet
Date: 11 Sep 99 - 07:28 PM

I walked into a book shop in Poole (Dorset) last Tuesday and asked the assistant if they have a Sci Fi section her reply

I,m not sure Sir who wrote it?

NUFF SAID I think

Graham Hyett.


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Ma-K
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:43 PM

While looking at our new baby at the window of the nursery a new father of twins(boy and girl) came up and said " I wonder if they are identical."


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 12 Nov 99 - 11:59 PM

All of my friends at school think i've become mentally ill and they always seem toask me the question," What are you doing", ifeel this is a fairly stupid comment for you can see and probably interpret exactly what I'm doing!! -Giz (LEJ's daughter)


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Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 13 Nov 99 - 02:25 PM

I think this probably counts as stupidest answer, but what the hell:

In a pub one night, I asked the barmaid what beer they had. She replied in a strong Aussie accent (nothing personal, she just was, right?) 'Ah, wey've gat Four Ix or Farsters' 'No, I mean real ale, beer'. 'Ahw, there's Wotneys' (well, it may not have been, but it was fizzy and not real ale) 'Oh,' says I, 'well could I have a bottle of barley wine please'.... blank look.... 'Is thet a house red or a Rheisling?' 'Just gimme a bottle of cider........!'

LTS


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