 sj |
||
|
||
BS: Stupidest Question Asked!
|
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: snookadive Date: 28 Aug 99 - 10:19 PM Way ,way back in high school we were discussing curren t affairs in my history class and my teacher asked if anyone knew what the price of the pound was. I brilliantly answered that it was about $2.40 and the all-met football lineman sitting behind me inquired "Hey Dave, $2.40 a pound for what?" On a distantly related topic, "Best straight line you ever lucked into on a first date" , when my lady friend and I were seated in a restaurant last Saturday night the hostess told us that our servers' name was Summer and she'd be right with us . Five minutes passed and the hostess returned and asked if Summer had been with us yet . I responded,"No but if she doesn't get here soon her name will propbably change to autumn.". Watching all those You Bet Your Life reruns finally paid off. Did I get lucky due to that snappy rejoinder. A gentlemen never tells and neither do I. Regards , Snookadive |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: campfire Date: 29 Aug 99 - 12:16 AM I'm sure I'm not the only one this happens to, but: I work at the Milwaukee Zoo. I wear a uniform that has printed, in letters 2 inches tall, on the left breast "Milwaukee County Zoo". I wear a windbreaker with "ZOO" in letters 9 inches tall on the back. I usually wear knee high rubber boots, and more often than not have that "animal aura" about me. And how often do you suppose I get asked: "Do you work here?" No, I'm making a fashion statement! campfire |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: O'Boyle Date: 29 Aug 99 - 02:52 AM I worked at an amusement park at the tour booth. About 25 times a day someone would ask, "how long is the 90 minute tour?" My answer was always, "About an hour and a half." Most of the people did not get the joke and wnet on their way. I didn't last long there. Rick |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bob schwarer Date: 29 Aug 99 - 07:02 AM At the old work place we had a daily 2 o'clock meeting which was apt to be changed for any number of "reasons". Standing gag line: "When is the 2 o'clock meeting"? Bob S. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bill D Date: 29 Aug 99 - 10:46 AM when I was in high school, I played in the band...and because the marching band had early morning rehersal in the fall, band class was always first hour of the day so we could have up to 2 hours and not be late to other classes....well, the rest of the year, the band room, with all the expensive stuff, was always locked until someone with the key arrived...often just minutes before class..so, the first person to arrive would go to the door and try the knob............then #2 would arrive and ask, "is the room open?"...#1 would answer, "no, no one is here yet"...whereupon, # 2 would go to the door and try the knob...#3 would arrive and ask.."is the room open?"...#1 & #2 would reply, "no...still locked.." and # 3 would go to the door and try the knob.....well, you get the picture...sort of like a bench with a "wet paint" sign, only more so...you wonder what person 9 or 10 was thinking when they arrived to find people standing in the hall, arms full of boooks and musical instruments....and STILL asked "is the door open?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bill D Date: 29 Aug 99 - 10:59 AM just remembered!...though YOU may decide whether the question was stupid...or the questionee..*grin* years ago, I had just returned to Wichita Kans from my first foray to Wash DC, and I had acquired a bumper sticker reading.."Take an AUTOHARP player to dinner"...which I put on my 'harp case. One day, I was sitting in the park, waiting my turn to play in the local pick-up volleyball game and playing tunes, the case in front of me...up rides a pleasant young coed on a bicycle...stops in front of me...looks at me, the 'harp, the case...and as I finish the tune I was playing, asks..."What do you eat?" It took me a long few moments to connect the question to the bumper sticker, and to this day, I have NO idea what I answered! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Jeri Date: 29 Aug 99 - 12:19 PM Bill D, if you didn't get invited to dinner, you probably gave the wrong answer! Re the doorknob testing - I have arrived at a meeting to find a bunch of other attendees standing outside. "We're waiting for someone to bring the key." I turned the knob and opened the door for them. (The room was normally kept locked.) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: WyoWoman Date: 29 Aug 99 - 01:07 PM Campfire -- funny, I wear the same outfit, only I'm a journalist. Not a discernible difference between your place and mine ... WW |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 29 Aug 99 - 08:08 PM When I volunteered at a wildlife re-hab facility, following the complete screaming, flapping snit of a red-tailed hawk who took a couple minutes of handling to calm down, a visitor asked "Is he real?" As I stood on the sidewalk outside of a burning building in helmet, gloves, coat, boots, covered in soot and replacing my air bottle with a new one, a bystander asked, "Are you a policeman?" "No sir, they are the ones who are still clean" My favorite, which I have heard at shootings, plane crashes, smoke scares, medical emergencies, auto accidents and suicides: "What happened?" As there are no train tracks in my district I now give the same answer every time. "Locomotive derailed." E.S.
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bill D Date: 29 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM An old friend of mine was a policeman for awhile...one day he was directing traffic...when he walked over to the curb during a light change, a small boy looked at him and asked.."What are you doing?"...my friend answered, with tongue in cheek.."I'm sitting on the curb, sewing buttons on a cake of soap. What are you doing?" without missing a beat, the kid replied.."I'm sitting there with you, helping." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: sophocleese Date: 29 Aug 99 - 09:49 PM My husband is a piper. After a particularly smoky night in a bar his kilt and sporran stank so next morning I hung them on the line to air out. One of my sons friends came home with him after school. He took one long, startled look at the sporran hanging there and asked, "Do you have a pet?" I smiled sweetly, answered "No dear" walked inside and howled with laughter. I wish I knew exactly what he was thinking. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Andres Magre Date: 30 Aug 99 - 02:20 AM In this world of globalization, employees are carefully trained to ask stupid questions to people. This is a kind of dramatization of what the employee asks, what the customer replies, and (in parenthesis) what the customer really thinks: E : Hi! C : Hi (Don't you know to say Good Evening?) C : One medium Combo #3, with Coke (I'm anticipating to questions, eh? ha! nothing left to doubt !) E : With Coke ? C : Yes (Are you deaf ? or just silly ?) E : Do you want to enlarge your meal for 50 cents more ? C : No, nothing else (If I wanted, I would have told you, stupid, because the size is clearly announced in all signs, and I told you MEDIUM ! AAARRGGHHHH!!) E: Do you want some desert, a chocolate sundae ? C: No, thanks (JUST GIMME THAT S**T OR I'LL KILL YOU NOW!) E: For here, or to carry ? C: For here (NOOOO, NOOO !!! IT'S ONLY TO SLAM IT ON YOUR HEAD!) E: It's $4.50 C: ... (and my time is $40.85) E: Your change is $5.50 Sir, wait a minute Here comes an interludio, during which the customer can listen to a similar dialog with the next two persons in the line, and try to calm down. E: Your Combo #3 medium with Coke, Sir. Do you want ketchup for your fries ? C: No, grmpff (YES, AND SOME CHOCOLATE FOR MY BEEF, AND A BIT OF AMMUNITION FOR MY MAGNUM - BAANG!! BAANG !! BAAANG!!!) More seriously, I think that modern managers hold long and expensive meetings to discuss and find the most stupid words to deal with customers, because they beleive that we, the public, are all morons and like to be treated like morons, we always ask for what we don't want, never know the price of things, never read signs, always pour down our meals, always suffer accidents at their stores, always forget important details, and always build up a discussion about our change. I propose them to be condemned to 20 years of forced repetition of their stupid dialogs. It would be justice. Best regards - escamillo@ciudad.com.ar
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Andres Magre Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:08 AM aahh.. did I separate those lines correctly using the line breaks ? Thanks |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Den Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:17 AM Can you sing the Maple Leaf Forever? No after four hours I get tired.
I know Ireland is a small country but in a number of Irish clubs I've played in Canada I'm asked so your from Ireland do you know the Murphys from Dublin? I always say yes, I know everyone in Ireland and then make up really awful stories. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lady McMoo Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:25 AM A few years ago I was playing in a session and we were surprised to receive a request for "Varnish Me Foreskin" from a rather inebriated punter...it took a few minutes to work out that he wanted "Banish Misfortune" and a few minutes more before we could actually play it! mcmoo |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Peter T. Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:26 AM I am still getting out of traction from: "If there are no doors on the plane, how do we get in?" -- it is going to take me weeks to survive this thread. yours, Peter T. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 30 Aug 99 - 12:06 PM It'll give you plenty of time to make heron outfits. Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: annamill Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:21 PM I have one pet peeve about this question. When I'm doing something totally obvious, like washing dishes, or watching TV, or making a bed, or sweeping the floor the question "What are you doing?" always results with the answer "Picking strawberries". People who know me well have come to expect the answer and just say "oh", others are usually nonplussed(I love this word). Love, annap |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:32 PM I was in Wal-Mart yesterday and I asked if they had any recordable mini-discs. The 'Stupid Answer' I got was "No, but we have the rewritable CDs" So I just said "Yeah, but THEY won't fit in my mini-disc recorder" Bert. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 30 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM When I built theatrical scenery for a living, the frequent question was "Is it going to look like that?" "Well no, that's why I'm still working on it." "What are you doing?" was always met with the standard scene shop response: "Building a rudder for a duck's ass." E.S. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Margo Date: 30 Aug 99 - 02:14 PM Jeramiah, that is too funny! And once in a dory. Rick, If someone asked me how long the 90 minute tour was I'd be tempted to answer, "That depends on who is buried in Grant's tomb!" McMoo: LMAO! You could tell him that viagra would be easier!!!!
Oh you guys, I almost got fired for a retort of mine to an irritating customer at the cafe where I waitressed. He was being a general smart ass the whole time. When I walked by with a family's meals,plates up and down both arms, he yelled out, "Hey, you gotta match?" Without missing a beat I quipped, "Yeah, my dog and your face". I don't know why I wasn't fired that day. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:12 PM Such a small world! Margarita once waited on Catspaw's table! Big RiB |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 30 Aug 99 - 03:17 PM I know it sounds like him butit couldn't have been OUR 'Spaw - He'd have rolled up laughing if he'd received such banter from a waitress. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:35 PM Many years ago, my good friend Gordon Bok did a concert in Camden Maine, and, as we were leaving, an elderly lady said to him"You have a lovely voice, you really should do someting with it." When I was in the US Fish & Wildlife service checking catches on a Portland dock, a tourist was interested in the goings on, and he asked me "How far off shore do they have to go to catch Finnan Haddie?" honest. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 30 Aug 99 - 04:37 PM A very mediocre Denver Broncos center was taking listener questions on a local talk show. One caller says " Tom, I wonder if you can tell me what size shoe Howie Long wears?( Howie being the All-Pro Oakland Raiders linebacker)." Tom replies "I wouldn't have a clue." The listener responds " why don't you just measure the imprint in the middle of your chest." Maybe not such a stupid question after all. Once a business associate and I were checking out of a hotel. We were halfway to the car with our bags when the desk clerk came running up with my friends American Express card, exclaiming "Hey! You forgot this!" As my friend reaches out to take it, the guy pulls it away and says "sorry. I'll have to see some I.D. first." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 30 Aug 99 - 05:06 PM OK! OK! Seeing as we're talking about stupid questions ....I'll ask it.... Sophocleese - Are you married to John Cleese? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: sophocleese Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:17 PM Gee, I don't know Bert. Does he pipe? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Margo Date: 30 Aug 99 - 07:25 PM You don't know whether or not you're married to someone??? I think there is a room reserved for you at the Niel Young Center...... :0o |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: sophocleese Date: 30 Aug 99 - 08:27 PM Oh Goody!! Is it BYOB? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Banjer Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:03 PM Yes it is, that is of course if you're saying 'Bring Your Own Bed' Catspaw could tell you more about that. When he was in the hospital and moved out of ICU it was reported that he had been put on the floor. I bet he wished he had brought his own bed! |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bbc Date: 30 Aug 99 - 09:57 PM In my case, I was the one who asked the most stupid question, but we've always enjoyed the answer. I was at a big mall, shopping w/ my best friend. As we walked toward the door of a large store, preparing to leave, & were trying to figure out the location of my car, I turned to my friend and asked, "Where am I?" A child who was playing nearby overheard me & volunteered the helpful information, "You're in Sears, lady!" We have chuckled over it many times through the years. How often we express ourselves imprecisely! bbc |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 30 Aug 99 - 10:22 PM You're right about the waitresses Bert.....or waiters. I tip based on sense of humor and personality and not on service.........I know, A)You're surprised I tip at all; B)No I don't give tips like "Avoid the Clap" or "Don't play the ponies";C)Yes, I'm aware that tipping for laughs isn't really the way to do it............Now all that said, I do love those people who will joke right back atcha'!!! My favorite "gauge" comes from a line used repeatedly by Elwood Dowd in "Harvey." When the waitress asks, "Can I get you anything else?" my question back is, "What did you have in mind?" The real players are great, the dimbulbs stare.........Such is life and the "Catspaw Tipping Method" Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Art Thieme Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:27 PM When I was working as the resident folksinger on a couple of excursion steamboats on the Mississippi River, a newly boarded passenger came up to me and asked, seriously, "What river is this???"-----I mean, she and her husband had to have long-standing reservations for this trip. They had to drive several hundred miles to get to the boarding town in Iowa. But she had no clue what they were doing there. I was pretty amazed. Art |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Lonesome EJ Date: 30 Aug 99 - 11:53 PM Art, you reminded me of another one. I once made a whitewater canoe trip down the Rockcastle River in Southern Kentucky with my friends Dennis, Bob, and Bob's girlfriend Marti. We rented canoes from a company that insisted on "experienced whitewater canoeists ONLY", although Marti had never been in a canoe in her life. We rode to the put-in with the Canoe rental guy, and assured him that all four of us were seasoned rapids-runners. We loaded up just above the first rapids,were wished good luck by the rental man, and had pushed out from the bank when Marti turns to Bob and says " Which way do we go?" Dennis and I couldn't stop laughing for about 5 minutes. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Joe Offer Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:46 AM A long, long time ago, we had a thread on the song called Foolish QuestionsGood song.-Joe Offer- |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: bob schwarer Date: 31 Aug 99 - 07:29 AM "You need to back up your hard drive" "How do I put it in reverse"? Bob S. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 09:50 AM So it's a pleasant summer afternoon and I've had to run out to our freeway station to fix a stranded traveller's car. Before going back to the shop, I'm having a coke and BSing with a couple of our gasjocks out front. Remember those days? Complete underhood check, clean windshield and rear window, and you sat in your car and didn't have to do a thing, all for about 35 cents a gallon! Anyway, a new Buick deuce and a quarter drives in and the guy gets out dressed in expensive sports clothes, the woman waits in the car. He looks distastefully at us and asks,
"How much farther is it to St. Louis?" This wasn't really a stupid question, but one we didn't hear often since we were on the far east side of Columbus, Ohio. I'd just been out that way a little before, so I answered, "Oh, I'd say it's about 500 miles or thereabouts." Stanley Snappy looks at me like I'm an idiot and quite nastily says, "That's ridiculous." I'm immediately pissed, but keep it "quiet." Stanley continues, "It can't be that far!" The rest of the conversation was close to this:
ME: Well, I dunno', it's something like that. .......and for the first time, I actually empathized with this idiot. His personality had changed about 180 degrees in 10 seconds and I had a feeling it was going to be a REAL LONG DRIVE to St. Louis. As they drove out, we watched to see if they got on 70 West...they did. Dan turned to me and said, "He must have borrowed the car." I asked why he thought so. "Anybody that dumb couldn't have a job to pay for it." He was probably right. Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:03 AM A young woman bought an old Jaguar to be different. First trip out it died on the road. Really pissed, she called the dealer. Out came a mechanic. While he was fixing it, she took a walk. Short time later it was purring like a kitten, she asks, "What was wrong with it?" "oh, just shit in the carburetor." "Well, damn.. how often do I have to do that?" |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:11 AM A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:12 AM A couple driving through eastern Maine were argueing about the proper pronunciation of the name of the next town. We natives pronounce it CALLIS and the husband was a native. However, his wife was an outsider, and she insisted it was pronounced CALLAY spelled CALAIS so, he got a little pissed, drove into the parking lot of a business, took her by the hand, walked into this place, approached the counter, addressed a little clerk and said "Slowly and clearly, so my wife can understand, Where are we?" answer from clerk "Dunkin Donut." |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Peter T. Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:16 AM Spaw, hilarious, at least as funny as heron jokes!!yours, Peter T. (p.s. Did you have a neat mechanics uniform and everything?) |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 31 Aug 99 - 10:19 AM neat? 'Spaw??? |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 31 Aug 99 - 11:41 AM IMPORTANT SAFETY TIP : Do not read 'spaw's posting while drinking your morning coffee, as this could lead to burns in the hypopharynx and nares as you do the nose trick with the A.M. french roast. LMAO. I'm with Peter T. here, I want to know about the uniform. I can imagine an overseas cap, bow tie, striped short-sleeve shirt, Snap-on Tools pocket protector with tire gauge and two ball points, belt buckle worn to the side so as not to scratch the fender, pressed pants of a dark-don't-show-the-smudges-color, and stout shoes. Uh, wait a minute, that's about what I'm wearing at work today. 'spaw, you got any pictures? E.S. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Margo Date: 31 Aug 99 - 12:52 PM Dave's advice is sound. With each outburst of laughter this morning, my daughter came and looked curiously in my face, echoing hehe. Funny girl.
That story by Kendall was something that actually happened to some friends of mine. They were coming into Kissamee Florida and wondering how to pronounce it. They stopped off to eat, and asked the kid behind the counter to pronounce clearly and slowly the place they were in, and the kid said Bur-ger Kiiinngg. They still laugh about it to this day. My dad asked a waitress while ordering breakfast what was the difference between Canadian bacon and ham. The waitress said that there really wasn't any difference, but that's what they call it in Canada. Hmmmmmm. We thought that was pretty funny.
|
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:42 PM Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry. We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words but it's better using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell. Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:51 PM Sorry guys......after we moved to the shop, we went to a uniform that was a little different. Same Blue Don't Show the Grease pants, but a little classier looking shirt. Never wore a cap/hat at work even in the winter, never carried a pocket protector, belt buckle had a leather cover, no bow ties...........Sorry. We used to change shirts about three times a day in the summer since Denny and I were both heavy sweaters (wool, cable knit, yeah I know). Pants were of course acid resistant. Of course one day Den had a battery slip and the acid spilled down the front of his pants. He wiped it off and finished the job but an hour later he said he was going to grab a quick shower 'cause he was getting a burning sensation........Those aren't the words, but it's better than using his words at the time, "I think that acid's about to burn my fuckin' dick off!!!" A few minutes later I hear him laughing in the shower room and I called in, "What's so damn funny?" He replied. "Come here, you won't believe this." He was holding this white rag that had once been his underwear and laughing like hell. Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Bert Date: 31 Aug 99 - 01:59 PM Seeing as we're (well I am anyway) including funny answers. We were shopping in a supermarket in Huntsville Alabama and I asked the girl "Do you have any imported Romano Cheese?" She says "This is imported" I pointed out that the label said "Product of USA" She replied "Well we get it from Atlanta" Bert. |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: kendall morse (don't use) Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:44 PM I got that story from Gordon Bok's brother Tony, so, cant vouch for its authenticity |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: catspaw49 Date: 31 Aug 99 - 02:53 PM No comment Bert Spaw |
|
Subject: RE: BS: Stupidest Question Asked! From: Dave Swan Date: 31 Aug 99 - 03:09 PM Thanks 'spaw, I mean really, thanks. Don't know how many nose tricks the ol' sinuses can take in one day. Laughing like hell myself. E.S. |