Subject: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 26 Nov 10 - 07:27 PM What's the deal with "friends with benefits"? It seems to be a norm today with younger folks. I don't recall any of this when I was a young'un. Seems like I missed out on a good thing. Any of you folks have "friends with benefits", now or in the past? |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: michaelr Date: 26 Nov 10 - 07:34 PM You mean fuckbuddies? |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 26 Nov 10 - 07:35 PM I dunno, it's new to me. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 26 Nov 10 - 07:49 PM So, she offers you this doctrine: "I don't want anything from you. We can just have a purely sexual relationship." It sounds like music to your ears. You achieve the kind of happiness that Zen masters aspire to teach their students. You want to celebrate your lovemaking ability and thank God for the whorish ways of your newly acquired sex junkie. However, nothing is what it seems. So, after the next few times you do the forbidden dance, her doctrine of happiness gets sullied with the following amendments: "From now on, we're always using a condom. I don't know what diseases you have," or "Every time you sleep with another girl, I want to know about it," or "From now on, you can't come over to my apartment drunk," or "You can't call me drunk," or "I'm never doing that or wearing that or bringing you that or sharing my girlfriend with you ever again because that kind of behavior is what women do for their boyfriends and you're not my boyfriend, asshole. We're just friends with benefits." And after all that bitching and whining, you find yourself wondering what exactly the benefits are. But it's cool because her friend says that all she wants is a sexual relationship as long as you always tell her about all the women you're with and take her out to dinner, you know, once a month or something, just to be nice. At any rate, by this time, you're hooked to the sex and you want to keep the slut-friend happy (though not too happy) so you take her out for dinner and meet some of her friends. Pretty soon you're getting a call from your alleged friend-with-benefits and she's saying that she hates you and how dare you behave like this and all this drama crap usually reserved for actual relationships. Then, before you even know what happened, you're breaking up with a girl you were never even going out with. (An abstract by Nathan DeGraaf daily at The Nate Way) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: artbrooks Date: 26 Nov 10 - 08:13 PM Gee...and here I thought you meant a friend with health and life insurance... |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: katlaughing Date: 26 Nov 10 - 08:26 PM Sounds to me like Nathan needs to get fucked. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Jeri Date: 26 Nov 10 - 08:29 PM I think Nathan GOT fucked. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Jeri Date: 26 Nov 10 - 08:32 PM It seems to me this is about being intimate with someone and pretending not to be. Seems like a way to not trap the OTHER person, except, obviously, sometimes it's a way to just SEEM to not trap the other person. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: ClaireBear Date: 26 Nov 10 - 08:34 PM The concept of 'friends with benefits' is at least as old as Shakespeare, as I recently discovered. What do you think this means? Blow, blow, thou winter wind, Thou art not so unkind As man's ingratitude; Thy tooth is not so keen, Because thou art not seen, Although thy breath be rude. Heigh ho, sing heigh ho, unto the green holly; most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly: Then, heigh ho, the holly! This life is most jolly. Freeze, freeze, thou bitter sky, That dost not bite so nigh As benefits forgot: Though thou the waters warp, Thy sting is not so sharp As friend remember'd not. Heigh ho, sing heigh ho, unto the green holly: most friendship is feigning, most loving mere folly: Then, heigh ho, the holly! This life is most jolly. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: katlaughing Date: 26 Nov 10 - 09:41 PM So can we call them "Neo-Bennies?" (Perfect quote, ClaireBear!) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,cs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 02:26 AM Whoa, bitter much! "we're always using a condom." "you can't come over to my apartment drunk," "You can't call me drunk," "I'm never doing that or wearing that" He calls that "bitching and whining", when I'd call them pretty sensible ground rules for a casual sexual relationship. Not sure about the rule discussing other partners, but that's for the people involved to decide between themselves and of course it would have to apply both ways. If his attitude about simple ground rules is that uptight and immature, Like Kat, I'd be surprised he ever gets laid at all. Based on what he calls "bitching and whining", I guess he thought a casual sexual relationship meant he could stop treating her like a friend (friends of course tend to go out together "once a month" "just to be nice") treat her like shit by refusing to wear a condom, going round her apartment drunk, phoning her up drunk, expecting her to dress up in kinky outfits, and do sex stuff for him that she wasn't into herself. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: 3refs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 03:13 AM Ed T, all the while I was reading your 3rd post, I thought "you poor bastard"! Then I saw it was an excerpt. Poor bastard! Back in the 70's.....geez! Speechless just thinkin about..... |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Richie Black (misused acct, bad email) Date: 27 Nov 10 - 03:16 AM Friends ON benefits. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: John MacKenzie Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:30 AM Without benefit of clergy, surely. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Lox Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:33 AM I think Nathan has rather missed the point. Looks like he was looking for Benefits and a smidgeon of friendship. Friends with benefits is a great situation. You are friends anyway, now and again your friendship bleeds over into something else, but you know that you aren't really compatible as a couple, so you are able to withdraw to the safety and mutual reassurance of your friendship afterwards. A relationship has the tendency to magnify all that is great and all that is bad about a friendship in a way that a friendship doesn't. FwB doesn't mean an absence of responsibility, it means a different type of responsibility. As with all things in life, there is no set formula and every friendship is unique. In all cases where I have had that kind of friendship, I have continued to be close friends with the partner in queston after the benefits have stopped - in contrast to romantic relationships that I know of and have been in that have ended in bitter acrimony. and stuff ... . |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,Jon Date: 27 Nov 10 - 06:00 AM Sort of reminds me of my (unwitting) affair. I was offered occasional sex and secret meetings as part of a deal but - no I wanted both a Christian solution and a relationship on equal terms... I think although it took me years to see it, I did get the former (ie. GET OUT) but some things can be hard to get your head round at the time. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST, Richard Bridge Date: 27 Nov 10 - 10:08 AM Leave it to the Con-Dems. Soon there will be no benefits at all. Maybe we should call them con-doms, like Cameron's face. I think fuckbuddies are a good idea if it's what both parties want (and care is taken about prophylaxis) but not as often found as the daily Wail would have one believe. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Richie Black (misused acct, bad email) Date: 27 Nov 10 - 10:18 AM I see X Factor contestant Wagner Carrilho is understood to be having his incapacity benefit/D.L.A. claims reassessed after his flamboyant performances on the hit talent show. He has been told to contact the benefits office regarding his taking part in X Factor, he is currently claiming Incapacity benefit and Disability Living Allowance ! |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: olddude Date: 27 Nov 10 - 10:41 AM I never cared what others do especially two consenting adults ... I personally don't see how it will work as emotions always get into the mix when you are that intimate with another ... |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Bobert Date: 27 Nov 10 - 10:47 AM There are no free lunches... B~ |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,cs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 11:26 AM "emotions always get into the mix when you are that intimate with another ..." No, they don't, though of course they do sometimes for one or other party, and that's usually the place such agreements go wrong. It really does depend on the people involved on whether or not it works for both of them. Take the above 'excerpt' from our Nath there. Based on the poisonous way he talks of his ex "sex-slut" in that tale, he sounds like he got emotionally involved to me and was demanding much more from her than just 'friendship and some sex'. He got emotionally burned and blamed her for shutting him out when he failed to play by the rules. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,Steamin' Willie Date: 27 Nov 10 - 12:33 PM When I saw the thread, I thought it would be about friends on benefits, I have to admit. Other than the irrelevant waffle about Her Majesty's Government above, by one of Her loyal subjects, whether he likes it or not.. Sex is good. Love is good. I found the pair together to be better than the sum of the individual parts. I had a "good time" between my marriages, but once the old bastard "love" reared its head, it was time to hang up my spurs. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Jeri Date: 27 Nov 10 - 12:38 PM Cs, that was my take on it. Nathan's version seems to be about acquaintance sex, not FRIENDS with benefits. No friendship involved. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 27 Nov 10 - 01:46 PM Could it be that with "Friends with benefits" frequently one person feels a bit more attached than the other and feels much more of a loss when it ends? I suspect most of these arrangements are short term, though I am open to hearing of contrary examples if you have them to offer. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,Jon Date: 27 Nov 10 - 01:54 PM I think it gets far more complicated than that ED but to cut things short. I;d sooner be in jail me boys than be in love again (garden where the praties grow) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: John MacKenzie Date: 27 Nov 10 - 01:58 PM Is there room in that cell for another one, Jon?:) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,Jon Date: 27 Nov 10 - 02:03 PM Not sure John - there would be too many inmates! (again not to say decent relationships can not happen) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: kendall Date: 27 Nov 10 - 02:33 PM I've fallen in lust many times over the years and it was ok for the time, but, it never lasted because it was like eating ice cream. Delicious and very satisfying but so temporary. Now, I'm not knocking ice cream, I love it, but if that was all there was to eat I'd be looking for some meat and potatoes. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,daylia Date: 27 Nov 10 - 02:38 PM "Friends with benefits"? Not. The surest way to lose a friend is to have sex with one. Internationally, it seems to work better though. Canada, for example, is a "friend" of just about every other nation on the planet. Except the US. We have a "Friends with Benefits" type relationship with the US ie they screw us over, we're still friends :) |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,cs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 03:04 PM "Could it be that with "Friends with benefits" frequently one person feels a bit more attached than the other and feels much more of a loss when it ends?" Definitely! And that's the risk people take. You'll get party A who just wants fun, and party B who secretly wants a relationship. But because they're a bit desperate, party B pretends they're totally cool about it, until they start encroaching on party A's personal space and needing constant attention (which is a more or less normal thing in love relationships as it intensifies) and becoming angry and demanding - and/or manipulative and subtly controlling - when they don't get their emotional needs fulfilled. Big warning signal is casually introducing you to Mum and Dad, because "Well, we're passing near there anyway and I just need to pick up my Fatal Attraction eyeliner." Time to become 'just friends' again sharpish ..and to lock up your bunnies. Or of course, party B could simply get themselves really hurt without being any danger to bunnies. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 03:23 PM cs... "lock up your bunnies." Hahahahahahaa. In any case, bad idea. Took me a number of relationships and a marriage to realize that "money changes everything", with apologies to Cyndi Lauper, of course. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 03:48 PM Then again, there was a baptist lass that went to Bob Jones University that I had benefit with. It did end poorly when she messed up but it was rather beneficial for a while. She didn't go to BJU for long but she learned a lot. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Lox Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:07 PM Important not to confuse casual sex with strangers or purely sexual no strings attachments with friends with benefits. Friends with benefits implies friendship first and foremost. Good mutual friends generally want to try to maintain and nurture their friendships so are careful not to let them get damaged. Good friends have a way of handling things well together, even a bit of mild line crossing. Casual and sexual relationships where the sex comes first, being soulless encounters, are where the emptiness and emotional longing can be painful hurtful things. Worse still are sexual attractions and encounters between incompatible people that compel them to form ... ahem ... "relationships" ... ahem ... often leading to unhappy cold meaningless marriages as they have so little else in common. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:22 PM Casual sex with strangers has always been and will always be dangerous. But, young men in rut, which is 24/7/365, who are poorly educated, seldom learn on their own before it is too late. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST, Richard Bridge Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:32 PM "Relation ship" is a weasel word here. A friend ship is a relationship. Lots of people use the word to describe a monogamous love attachment. Misuse. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,cs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:33 PM Important not to confuse casual sex with strangers or purely sexual no strings attachments with friends with benefits. Friends with benefits implies friendship first and foremost. Good mutual friends.. All depends where you draw the line between 'friends' & 'strangers'. See, a pair of people could meet socially and get on as 'mates' and then think there might be a bit of fun there too, without either having been long term friends or there being any evident romantic interest. That's not cruising, it's "Hey, we have a good laugh together, lets fall into bed?" But in many respects, 'mate' sex is worse than 'stranger' sex or 'friend' sex, because neither party really knows the other. As for stranger sex, I think that really depends on the social etiquette of one's immediate social group. For gay men I know, it's almost a formulaic ritual faceless congress, where everyone knows the rules. No doubt people do get hurt and some may feel crap about such encounters, but I tend to believe that certain (sub)cultural norms diminish the possible emotional confusion and distress we might otherwise expect to experience in such circumstances. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,cs Date: 27 Nov 10 - 04:37 PM "For gay men I know" By which I mean some gay men that I know, one of whom was a prostitute. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Lox Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:07 PM "'friends' & 'strangers'" There is a wide gap between friends and strangers that is inhabited by acquaintances of all sorts. An honest person knows who their friends are though. Richard, Not sure what is meant by the term "weasel word" but I think you are adding to my point. There are a million types of relationship, including that which I have with my local shopkeeper, that which I have with my daughter, and that which I have with my girlfriend etc ... If a weasel word is one that is misused, then the word "relationship" definitely fits that category as its use nowadays heaps an enormous burden of expectation on those whose communion/intercourse it is meant to describe. Rather than observing and enjoying the nature of their relationship, they feel compelled to impose popular definitions of what a relationship is upon each other and themselves. "Friends with benefits" is how folk avoid this. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Greg F. Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:08 PM Sounds to me like Nathan needs to grow up. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:13 PM Hmmm... sounds to me like Nathan wrote a rather eloquent piece of prose as a writer that elicited emotions on a number of levels. Good writer. Does he espouse/endorse/condone what he writes? Who knows? He does sell copies as evidenced herein. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST, Richard Bridge Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:34 PM Ah, you mean he is a literary prostitute without a literary relationship. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 05:54 PM Ricky... hahahahahaa. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Bill D Date: 27 Nov 10 - 06:43 PM "The surest way to lose a friend is to have sex with one. " Nawwww... it all depends on how solid the friendship is.... and what one takes the sex to be about. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: gnu Date: 27 Nov 10 - 07:05 PM At my age, how solid would play a part. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Art Thieme Date: 27 Nov 10 - 07:15 PM Love it is a killing fit Beauty its a blossom But if you want your fanger bit Just stick it at a possum. as sung by Frank Warner on February 4Th, 1961 at the University of Chicago Folk Festival Art Thieme -- who likes what OldDude said anyway. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: GUEST,jeff Date: 27 Nov 10 - 07:39 PM There was an episode of Seinfeld where the Jerry and Elaine characters tried this...didn't work. Never does. Dylan wrote about it. There doesn't seem to be alot of women commenting on this thread...just an observation. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 27 Nov 10 - 07:42 PM A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the Wife looks over at him and asks the question.... WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?" HUSBAND: "Definitely not!" WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?" HUSBAND: "Of course I do.." WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? " HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again." WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look) HUSBAND: (makes audible groan) WIFE: "Would you live in our house?" HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house.." WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?" HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?" WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?" HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new." WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?" HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do." WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?" HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own." WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you? HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times." WIFE: "Would she use my clubs? HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed." WIFE: Silence -- HUSBAND: "shit." |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: kendall Date: 27 Nov 10 - 07:47 PM Bill D is right. Communication is the key here. Make damn sure you are both singing off the same sheet. After all, it's probably the friendliest thing friends can do. Sex with strangers is lunacy. |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 27 Nov 10 - 08:02 PM A kinda related article: "Junk sex is no better than junk food'' The sexual revolution confronts the SUV |
Subject: RE: BS: Friends with benefits From: Ed T Date: 27 Nov 10 - 08:03 PM "safety, size and performance" |