Pam Ayers Poems

Subject: Pam Ayers Poems
From: severed-head
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 09:04 AM

Has anyone here set any of Pam Ayers' poems to music?
I came across this one yesterday and, when reading it, you can almost hear it being sung.

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me dear old knockers,
Not flashed them to boys behind the school lockers,
Or let them get fondled by randy old dockers,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos now I'm much older and gravity's winning.
It's Nature's revenge for all that sinning,
And those dirty memories are rapidly dimming,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

'Cos tits can be such troublesome things
When they no longer bounce, but dangle and swing.
And although they go well with my Bingo wings,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they're both long enough to tie up in a bow,
When it's not the sweet chariot that swings low,
When they're less of a friend and more of a foe,
Then I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was young I got whistles and hoots,
From the men on the site to the men in the suits,
Now me nipples get stuck in the zips on me boots,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When picking them up requires some leverage,
When it's not so much lift as industrial heavage,
When there's more of a parting and less of a cleavage,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When I was younger I rode bikes and scooters,
Cruising around with my favourite suitors.
Now the wheels get entangled with my dangling hooters,
I wish I'd looked after me tits.

When they follow behind and get trapped in the door,
When they're less in the air and more near the floor,
When people see less of them rather than more,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me tits.

For those not familiar with Pam Ayers, here is a clip of the lady on Youtube

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y4oydSZTAns
Garry

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 09:08 AM

Nice parody

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: RTim
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 09:29 AM

Pam is a "Good old" Oxfordshire girl, who used to perform regularly at Witney Folk Club in the early 1970's.
When she was on Desert Island Discs, her final choice was a track from John & Chris Leslie's LP - Ship of Time.

Tim Radford

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: s&r
Date: 22 Dec 10 - 06:06 PM

Pam Ayres

Stu

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: fumblefingers
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 01:09 AM

I first met her when she belonged to the Drama Club at RAF Changi--Singapore 1969. It was located at the opposite end of the building from the Folk Club.

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Mo the caller
Date: 23 Dec 10 - 09:34 AM

Who wrote the one at the top of the thread? I've heard her "I wish I'd looked after me teeth", but not that version.

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: severed-head
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 03:51 AM

Hi Mo.
Yes, I am familiar with "I wish I'd looked after me teeth" but the poem above is also credited to Pam Ayers on various internet sites. Of course, that doesn't mean it's true!
I was just trying to find out if any mudcatters had adapted any of Pam's poems to songs.
Garry

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: GUEST,Jane of 'ull
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 04:21 AM

Hello, I am the author of the above 'tits' poem which is a spoof of Pam Ayres original 'teeth' poem! I know it is on the website www.thisisull.com but I didn't know it was on other sites which ones are they?

Jane Foster (of 'ull, east Yorkshire!)

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: GUEST,Jane of 'ull
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 04:35 AM

Another thing is it's interesting you should say it sounds like a song, as I am also a musician and I write comedy songs as well as poetry! Glad you liked my poem.

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Joe Offer
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 04:36 AM

Well, Jane, the "tits" poem is quite popular. This Google Search (click) will show you all the sites.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 05:34 AM

Pam Ayres also sings.... quite well I reckon!!

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Jane of 'ull
Date: 24 Dec 10 - 11:57 AM

Wow she can sing pretty well! I've learned a few things on this thread!

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: GUEST,Suin S.
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 01:58 AM

I actually did set it to music, and sang it at an open mic night tonight... an old American tune called "The Housewife's Lament". Was told I should put it on YouTube.

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: goatfell
Date: 29 Jan 12 - 02:56 PM

she was also a spy

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Apr 13 - 05:49 PM

I found this posted on facebutt
and thought it might raise a smile on here

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY - (a husband's point of view) -
By Pam Ayres of course..

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 03:15 AM

Here's on of Pam Ayres that I re-worded only slightly to allow me to sing it.

Cheers

Subject: RE: Pam Ayers Poems
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 18 Apr 13 - 04:28 AM

A few years back, it was reported in the Hickey column of the Daily Express that Pam now has a farm on which she keeps various stock, including some rarer breeds, and she had done quite well selling a couple if her prize cows. " Hickey" wondered if she might write a new poem entitled "I wish I'd looked after more cows".
Well I did, and turned it into a song. Will post the words later.

Saw her do a sell-out concert at Sidmouth about 4 or 5 years ago: what a great night that was. She had memorised every one of her poems, apart from one very new one: "We'll you've paid a lot to see me, so I thought it was the least I could do". The humour is further enhanced by her delivery, and facial expression, including that wicked smile!