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Health and Safety Implications

GUEST,Ralphie 12 Dec 11 - 04:12 AM
MGM·Lion 12 Dec 11 - 04:28 AM
GUEST 12 Dec 11 - 05:23 AM
GUEST,The Shambles 12 Dec 11 - 05:24 AM
GUEST,Ralphie 12 Dec 11 - 07:13 AM
MGM·Lion 12 Dec 11 - 07:26 AM
GUEST,surreysinger at work 12 Dec 11 - 10:49 AM
GUEST,surreysinger at work 12 Dec 11 - 11:01 AM
GUEST,surreysinger going back to work 12 Dec 11 - 11:04 AM
GUEST,999 12 Dec 11 - 11:15 AM
Nigel Parsons 12 Dec 11 - 11:24 AM
Howard Jones 12 Dec 11 - 02:58 PM
GUEST,999 12 Dec 11 - 03:12 PM
GUEST,John from Kemsing 12 Dec 11 - 03:22 PM
Surreysinger 12 Dec 11 - 03:29 PM
GUEST,Tootler somewhere in Central London aka t'sm 12 Dec 11 - 05:28 PM
GUEST,The Shambles 12 Dec 11 - 08:28 PM
GUEST,Ralphie 13 Dec 11 - 03:31 AM
GUEST,BobL 13 Dec 11 - 05:44 AM
GUEST,Don Wise 14 Dec 11 - 05:14 AM
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Subject: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 04:12 AM

FROM HER MAJESTIES GOVERNMENT
12th December 2011
Amendment to clause 89, sub section 14

The union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety
regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate
seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and
... orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due
to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should
watch their flocks via cctv cameras from centrally heated shepherd
observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his / her
glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued
with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and
Glory.

Anybody else seen similar regulations? (and it's not BS...'cos it mentions music!)


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 04:28 AM

Requiring a young domestic attendant to follow precisely in the imprints of one's footwear in deep and crisp and even snow may be interpreted as a breach of the Domestic Attendants Welfare Provisions of 930 AD and as subsequently amended and updated.

~M~


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 05:23 AM

Transportation of illegal hazardous substances Act

1.1 Please note that the exemption from this Act for not more than three persons claiming to be either wise of of royal lineage has been lifted

1.2 The claim that substances covered by this Act when transported from East ot West via any form of livestock to be presented as a gift, will no longer be accepted.

NOTE

The following of any star will be considered as stalking.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,The Shambles
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 05:24 AM

Ooops!

Sorry, the last post was from me.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 07:13 AM

It should be remembered that Partridges are ground dwelling birds, and that inserting them into Pear trees could cause extreme distress. Not to mention that to keep them airborne you would have to nail them to a branch. Not a nice thing to do, and would be treated with the greatest severity by the courts.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 07:26 AM

Especially as they would be in danger of acute disturbance from the noise-pollution of their environment caused by the simultaneous playing of a dozen drummers & 22 pipers, the laying-cries of some three-dozen geese, the clucking of about 30 foreign-accented hens...


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,surreysinger at work
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 10:49 AM

Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions. Please note: permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered noise pollution.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,surreysinger at work
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 11:01 AM

It has come to our attention that Mr R Reindeer has been suffering from constant jibes at his expense while at work.

You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities for All policy, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence. A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,surreysinger going back to work
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 11:04 AM

The Rocking Song
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus. Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 11:15 AM

Last benefit I heard of for shepherds was the right to have employer-provided Velcro gloves to facilitate the handling of sheep. I think John MacKenzie told me about that being law up in Scotland.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 11:24 AM

1.2 The claim that substances covered by this Act when transported from East ot West via any form of livestock to be presented as a gift, will no longer be accepted.
Of course, the transport of hazardous substances in other directions may not be covered by this Claus. Do you have any evidence that the substances travelled from East to West?


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: Howard Jones
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 02:58 PM

Dear Sir,

It has come to my attention that the lowly cattle shed attached to your inn has been converted for use as a post-natal ward. This is in clear breach of the Town and Country Planning Acts and the Use Classes Order 1987. You are required to revert to its previous agricultural use forthwith or face enforcement action.

Concern was expressed about the presence of farm animals, and unrestricted access by members of the public to the area provided for children to sleep. The question was also raised whether you have the appropriate licences from the Department of Health to operate a maternity care home. These matters are outside my remit, but I shall be referring these to the appropriate authorities.

Performances by choirs of angels fall to be regulated by the Licensing Act 2003. You will be required to install additional fire doors, soundproofing and CCTV, and provide security staff. The Performing Rights Society will also be carrying out its own investigations.

Your faithfully,

Chief Planning Officer
Bethlehem District Council


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,999
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 03:12 PM

One would expect National Health to get involved, too, because of the close proximity of animals that carry diseases easily transferable to humans, a situation that could affect everyone involved except maybe the baby.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,John from Kemsing
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 03:22 PM

There is also the requirement that any King carrying either gold, frankinsense or myrhh across a desert shall, due to the value of those goods, be accompanied by an armed escort.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: Surreysinger
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 03:29 PM

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold', etc. - gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher.

We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note , the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,Tootler somewhere in Central London aka t'sm
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 05:28 PM

It has come to my attention that a reindeer hauled flying sled is due to enter Terran airspace at the international date line on or about 00.00.01am on the 25th December and to visit numerous locations on Earth during the following 24 hours.

It is pointed out that such flights are not permitted unless a properly certified flight plan is submitted with the relevant authorities at least 14 days prior to said flight and that, to date, no such flight plan has been received.

It has further been pointed out that the load carried by said sled exceeds that permitted by current health and safety regulations and unless the load falls below the permitted safe level, any request for such a flight must be refused.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,The Shambles
Date: 12 Dec 11 - 08:28 PM

Merry and loud ringing from high places by Gloria has been the subject of a noise abatement notice.

The current wherabouts of said Gloria (ex Chelsea)are unknown.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,Ralphie
Date: 13 Dec 11 - 03:31 AM

DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH (warning)

Sound checks must be made on decibel levels produced by the bells in heaven, prior to the commencement of any ringing and, if necessary, ear defenders must be worn. It is probably a good time to check the level of employer liability insurance, as many hearing loss problems are only detected some time after prolonged exposure to high pitched sounds, which may be caused by angels singing. Care should be taken during the overhead activity of flying angels, and signs must be erected warning of the possibility of falling objects. Safety nets must be used at all times to protect bystanders on the ground, and all angels must be trained in the proper use of safety harnesses and other aerial equipment.

Steeple bells must only be swungen by people properly authorised to do so, and only then if they have had proper safety training on manual handling. If the swinging of the steeple bells involves first climbing up the steeple, then non slip soled shoes must be worn, and additional health checks should be made on the fitness of the ringers. Anybody showing early signs of cardiac or respiratory disease should be discouraged from becoming swingers or ringers. Any remarks made to this effect should be kept separate on company medical records which are confidential and private. Clear signs should be displayed at the foot of the steeple, indicating the number of steps to be climbed and a stair lift should be provided for the elderly and infirm. Employers should remember that they have a duty of care to all employees at all times, and that charges for corporate manslaughter may ensue if procedures are not followed correctly.

Private facilities must be made available to any employee that needs to pray, for whatever reason and whatever their religion. Employers are reminded that they have made a commitment to valuing people for their differences as well as embracing and celebrating diversity. Finally, contact details of the Company's Ombudsman must be prominently displayed in case of breaches of the Corporate Code of Conduct.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 13 Dec 11 - 05:44 AM

"Steeple bells must only be swungen by people properly authorised to do so, and only then if they have had proper [...] training"

Quite true, as any bellringer will comfirm. And you left out insurance cover against personal injury.


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Subject: RE: Health and Safety Implications
From: GUEST,Don Wise
Date: 14 Dec 11 - 05:14 AM

Please note that a flying sledge is, for the purposes of air safety and the prevention of terrorism, to be treated as an aircraft. The pilot will be expected to submit a detailed flight plan to Air-Traffic Control and to undergo all necessary pre-flight safety checks and ensure that all necessary safety items-availability of parachutes, blackbox flight recorder etc.- are available and shown to be in working order. Radio contact with Air-Traffic Control is to be maintained at all times.
Furthermore, in accordance with the Prevention of Terrorism(Air Traffic Safety) provisions, liquids, sharp objects and weapons of any description are banned.
Furthermore, in accordance with Prevention of Cruelty to Animals Regulations, all animals (horses,reindeer,pigs....)employed as 'motive power' for the above mentionend flying sledge are to be given adequate rest and recuperation opportunities, to be fed and watered accordingly, and not subjected to unnecessary stress.


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