BS: Astonishing farts

Subject: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 04:28 AM

I was visiting the shopping village at Street in Somerset the other day, near Glastonbury. And (as is my wont after a hour and a half drive) I headed to the public toilet, where I was having a wee.

Anyway, in my peripheral vision I was aware of this guy rushing into the cubicle. One sensed his relef as he flopped down, and got down to his toiletry efforts - I was glad for him. he had found relief and release.

And then the noises started. At first a wild trunpet- ing like an elephant. But then a cool, high timbred note. Pure Roy Eldrige. Long sustained notes in strange harmonic progression.

Heaven knows - we've all done blasted off the odd Chet Baker riff. Maybe even squeaked out a Miles Davis cadenza. But here was an arsehole extraordinaire, whose windy caprice's could enchant a nation.

Shall I hang around and congratulate him when he exits from the toilet. Offer a round of applause....? In the end, English reserve got the better of me and I zipped up and away. Never to be able to recognise this maetro, should I eyes meet across a crowded room. There again - perhaps he would be upset because he suffers from noisy arsehole syndrome, or somesuch. You never can tell, but I feel in retrospect - I took the wiseset course.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Will Fly
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 05:35 AM

Probably an English descendant of Le Pétomane. They do exist. I thought my son was one for a year or two, but blood will out.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Paul Burke
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 05:36 AM

A true heir of Joseph Pujol, le Petomane. Could have been my brother on the other hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 07:55 AM

this gleaned from Bawdy Ballads, edited Ed Cray, from ' A Collection of Epigrams ' published in 1735.

If death must come, as oft as breath departs,
The he must often die, who often farts,
And if to die be but to lose ones breath,
Then deaths a fart; and so a fart for death.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: bobad
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 08:02 AM

Ode Tae A Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A'body's gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It's like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae shit my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it's no ma worry

A'body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I'll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he's just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e'ere ye go let yer wind gan' free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie's party
Ower the sake o one wee farty

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 08:41 AM

There are many kinds of farts:
A high fart, a low fart, a bubble and a squeak,
A soft fart, a loud fart, and one that doesn't speak.
A fart is a wonderful thing, it sets you at your ease,
It warms the bed in wintertime and suffocates the fleas.

A fart is a telephone.
That comes from your belly-bone,
To tell you when a load is coming on.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Greg B
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 10:22 AM

I'm sure most of you have heard this, the 1st International Crepitation Contest, but it's still good for a scatological laugh.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 10:45 AM

CLICK HERE

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Jack Campin
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 11:17 AM

Written on a slip of paper from about 1820 that I found in a book:

A Highlander is like a fart - you can never get him to go back where he came from.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: frogprince
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 01:24 PM

I'm not a musical performer at all, save for one singular performance in a college dorm in Clarksville, Arkansas. It was in 1968 or '69. My roommate from the time, from Brooklyn, can testify to the accomplishment. I rose in the morning, stretched, and tooted 5 notes on a rising scale.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Ed T
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 01:43 PM

Once knew a fella who said his senses were som keen he could differentiate the smell of two farts in a windstorm.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Desert Dancer
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 02:01 PM

Graphic, rather than musical, these Japanese fart scrolls have been buzzing around the interwebs this week. I'm surprised they haven't popped up here yet.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Paul Burke
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 02:15 PM

Who has broken wind?
Neither you nor I,
But when the folks turn round their heads,
Then somebody's let fly.

Who has broken wind?
Neither I nor you,
But judging by the lingering smell,
I think he followed through.

Walter de la Merde.

Subject: The Farting Contest^^^
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 03:33 PM

There's a local (West Clare) version of this
Jim Carroll

THE FARTING CONTEST^^^

I'll tell you a story that is sure to please,
Of a great farting contest at Burton-on-Tease,
Where all the best farters paraded the field,
To compete in a contest for various shields.

Some tighten their bumcheeks and fart up the scale,
To compete for a cup and a barrel of ale,
Whilst others whose arseh0les are biggest and strongest,
Compete in the section for loudest and longest.

Now, this year's event had drawn quite a big crowd,
And the betting was even on Mrs. McDowd,
For it had appeared in the evening edition,
That this lady's arse was in perfect condition.

Now old Mrs. Jones had a perfect backside,
Half a forest of hairs with a wart on each side,
And she fancied her chance of winning with ease,
Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas.

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand,
And thus he addressed this remarkable band:
"The contest is on as is shown on the bills,
We've precluded the use of injections and pills."

Mrs. Bingle arrived amid roars of applause,
And promptly proceeded to pull off her drawers,
For though she'd no chance in the farting display,
She'd the prettiest bottom you'd see on this day.

Now, young Mrs. Porter was backed for a place,
Though she'd often been placed in the deepest disgrace,
By dropping a fart on a Sunday in church,
And disturbing the sermon of Reverend McGurch.

The ladies lined up at the signal to start,
And winning the toss, Mrs. Jones took first fart,
The people around stood in silence and wonder,
While her wireless transmitted gale warnings and thunder.

Now Mrs. McDowd reckoned nothing of this,
She'd had some weak tea and was all wind and piss,
She took up her place with her arse opened wide,
But unluckily sh!t and was disqualified.

Then young Mrs. Porter was called to the front,
And started by doing a wonderful stunt,
She took a deep breath, and clenching her hands,
She blew the whole roof off the popular stands.

That left Mrs. Bingle who shyly appeared,
And smiled at the clergy who lustily cheered,
And though it was reckoned her chances were small,
She ran out a winner, outfarting them all.

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone,
And the crowd stood amazed at the sweetness of tone,
And the clergy agreed without hindrance or pause,
And said, "First to Mrs. Bingle, now pull up your drawers."

But with muscles well-tensed and legs full apart,
She started a final and glorious fart,
Beginning with Chopin, and ending with Wing,
She went right up the scale to God Save the King.

She went to the rostrum with maidenly gait,
And took from the vicar a set of gold plate,
Then she turned to the vicar with sweetness sublime,
And smilingly said, "Come see me sometime."

^^^

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Don Firth
Date: 25 Feb 12 - 03:59 PM

"Houston, we have liftoff!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Big Al Whittle
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 12:40 PM

'Farting is such sweet sorrow.....'

I think Bob Dylan said that....

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 02:58 PM

Greatest Farts of the Century




(National Lampoon- Dec. 1972)

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Bill D
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 03:07 PM

*sigh* found the issue... scanned it...found my Opera page...uploaded it. Then found it was already posted.

http://www.paul-altobelli.com/uploaded_images/sc00d5223a-783194.gif

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 03:24 PM

and from Kevin Bloody Wilson, ' Mick Me Mate, The Master Farter '

It's on youtube but I can't do links.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 04:48 PM

'Farting is such sweet sorrow.....'

I think Bob Dylan said that.... Big Al Whittle

If you don't fart in my car I won't fart in yours...

I said that

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Brian May
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 06:17 PM

What a magnificent thread!

One in the eye for all those that just think we're a bunch of old windbags . . .

However when we were doing the famine relief flying in Ethiopia in the 1980s, happiness was definitely a DRY fart ;o)

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: ossonflags
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 06:19 PM

Mayhap this will work?


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opDxX2TuXOs

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Feb 12 - 07:27 PM

My g-g-g-g-great Uncle Newt Madrid once let loose and changed the course of the Mississippi, made it back up, and generally did a lot of damage. Naturally they got the name wrong, calling it "New Madrid" but my family knows.

Subject: RE: BS: Astonishing farts
From: Michael
Date: 28 Feb 12 - 12:49 PM

As me ould grannie used to say;

Let your wind go free where ere you be, in church or chapel let it rattle.
A fart's a fart and not a crime; it gives the bowels ease. It warms the bed in wintertime and suffocates the fleas.

Mike